The Bachelor
by Clarry
Summary: James Diamond has become the first gay Bachelor, thinking it will be fun to watch 30 guys fight over him and not realizing he will meet three men who will change his life forever. James/Carlos, James/Kendall, James/Logan, and possibly more.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Author's Notes: Beware, long-winded notes ahead! We all know I like to ramble.

So this story came to me about a year ago, and I blame **kathrynew30** for encouraging me. My roommate got me hooked on "The Bachelor," which is the only reality show I find myself unable to stay away from, and while watching last season I kept seeing the boys in my head because the romance between Brad and Emily reminded me of the way I imagine James and Logan. The night of the finale I was sitting in a hotel room with Kathryn after having seen BTR in concert for the first time, and she sat there laughing at me getting all worked up and emotional over a T.V. show but when it was over, I said, "What if I wrote James and Logan in that situation?" She said I should, and then we talked about what it would be like if we included Carlos and Kendall. The idea was an interesting one, but nothing ever came of it because on the way home from Austin I started writing "The Permanent One" instead, while still finishing "I Would Scream to the World." Good times.

Fast-forward to this season, and once again roommate and I are caught up in "The Bachelor" so of course the idea comes back to haunt me. I've been working on a Jagan fic since finishing "Heat," or at least trying to, but it wasn't working for me. At all. One night I got frustrated and just started writing this, and it flowed, so I kept going. And now we have this, which I'm having so much fun with. I can honestly say that even at three chapters in, I have no idea who's going to win this thing. My original plan was for James to choose Logan, but once I started writing I realized it could go in any direction, and James loves them all in different ways so who really knows how it will turn out? Seriously, this is too much fun to write.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

So I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

One last thing and then I'll shut up. I still have many reviews to reply to for "If You Can't Stand the Heat" and I intend to get to them. I promise. It's been a crazy few weeks (still recovering from seeing and meeting BTR, OMFG I LOVE THEM MORE THAN EVER), and now it's finally starting to settle back down. I appreciate every single one of you who had such kind words for me and I hope you like this story, too.

Now. On with the show.

* * *

><p>When James Diamond was approached to become the next Bachelor, his immediate reaction was to scoff. He already had everything going for him—money, looks, an active sex life, the adoration of many. Marriage was something far from his mind, and at twenty-five years old he felt he was too young to settle down anyway. He immediately turned it down but the idea floated around in his head like a ghost for days, appearing from behind a door when least expected to jolt him into letting his mind get carried away with visions of a mass of men all vying for his attention. He discussed it with his stylist and best friend, Lana, who encouraged the idea rather than ridicule it, reminding James that it would be more exposure and that he didn't <em>have<em> to marry anyone at the end of it; he could simply enjoy the game, watching the contestants cut each other down while fighting over him and treating him like a god.

He also liked the thought of being the first gay Bachelor; his bisexuality was common knowledge, not something he'd ever felt the need to hide, and because he lived in the world of fashion it was never something to be shunned for. There were more gay models than straight as it was, so he fit right in. When Lana also mentioned he'd forever be remembered as the first man to participate in a gay season of the show, the ghost in his mind became less transparent and more solid, a harder obstacle to simply wave away when he wanted to.

After three days of tossing it around in his head, James knew this was something he wanted to do, but still he held back. He was the male model most in demand around the world, and he'd thrived on that for over a year but lately the excitement wasn't as intense when his manager told him about new shows he'd been booked to do. When he discussed that with Lana, she cut right to the heart of the matter—as she always did.

"You're bored."

"What? I'm not bored," he'd argued. "I have everything I've ever wanted."

"Exactly. Nothing to work toward. You're bored, James."

"I am not." Glaring at Lana, James then turned his back on her to check an incoming text message.

"Whatever. But I think you should do it. You might just fall in love, you know."

Making a scoffing noise, James otherwise ignored her words to reply to the text. "I won't be home tonight. Marc wants to get together."

"Oh, great. Marc. King of the Assholes. Just make sure you use protection."

"What are you, my mother? I do what I want. And _who_ I want." Looking back with a wink, James added, "And I _always_ use protection."

"At least you're smart about that. What are you going to do without me when you have to move into the big Bachelor mansion?"

"I'm not doing the show, Lana."

Lana only shrugged and said, "I'll let the house staff know we won't need them for the next few months."

"You won't be staying here?"

"I do have family, you know. I only live with you because you're lost without me."

"And because you love me."

"You're the brother I never had. Now go fuck Marc's brains out and get it out of your system, because once they sequester you, there won't be any dick for at least six weeks."

"Oh. Wow. That...maybe I shouldn't do it."

Sighing, Lana said, "James. Sit down."

He did, joining her on the lavish sofa. "Are you gonna lecture me?"

"You need someone in your life."

"Oh, here we go again."

"Someone who cares about you."

"_You_ care about me."

"Someone who also makes you happy in bed."

"_Marc_ makes me happy in bed."

"So do the twenty other guys you sleep with on a rotating basis. But there isn't one who does both—who loves you and who cherishes you the way you deserve to be cherished."

"Love is overrated, Lana. I couldn't stand to be tied down to one man."

"You haven't met the right man. Don't you ever want to have kids?"

"I thought we were talking about men, not women."

"James, you can adopt. Or if you'd rather take a wife, you can do that, too. But I think you prefer men. Women bore you."

"Lately everything bores me."

"Ha! See? I knew it. You're bored. Go take some time away, meet some nice guys who genuinely want to fall in love, and see where it takes you."

"But you said I should do this because it's good exposure, not to fall in love. You said I don't have to marry anyone."

"I said what I knew would get through to you. What I really want is to see you happily married to a man who is devoted to you, who brings out that side of you most people rarely see. You have a good heart, James. You just don't use it often."

"I learned a long time ago that having a heart is dangerous in this business. It's easier for you to be cut down."

"Fine. You buried your heart for years, now you're on top. Right where you wanted to be. Take some time for yourself, look around and see what else life has to offer. Imagine a tiny voice calling to you from the next room, saying 'Daddy!'"

James shuddered. "Stop that. You know I hate kids."

"You do not. You're wonderful with my nieces and nephews."

"They're not regular kids. They're like...superkids or something. They're cool."

"James," Lana sighed again. "Do this. If nothing else, enjoy thirty guys fighting over you. Just don't fuck them, I think that's against the rules until the last week or something."

James stood up as a text came in. "I'm not doing this. I gotta go. See you tomorrow."

"Just think about it, James. Waking up to the same man every day, one who smiles at you first thing, whose face lights up when he opens his eyes and sees you staring at him."

"Later, Lana!" James was moving toward the door.

"Little feet running in to jump on the bed and shake you, calling you 'daddy'!"

"Goodbye, Lana!" The door was open and he was stepping out.

"I'll let the staff know you're going!"

"Not happening!" he called back just before slamming it.

Three weeks later James was in a limo on the way to the house he would be living in for the next six weeks, about to become the first gay Bachelor.

* * *

><p>When Carlos Garcia got the call that he'd been selected as a contestant on "The Bachelor," he wasn't overjoyed. He'd done it mostly to shut up his mother, who constantly hounded him to find a boyfriend and settle down.<p>

While it was true Carlos had been feeling loneliness creep up more and more at night, he had enough going on in his life that he was never truly dissatisfied with it. He lived in New York, the city that never stopped going, where excitement was around the corner at any time of the day or night. He owned five dogs who loved him more than enough, sharing his huge bed and keeping the loneliness at bay when he needed someone to cuddle with. His business was a roaring success, having grown from one little hot dog cart that took up residency near a courthouse to expanding into the chain of stands he owned now all over the state, and everyone knew if you wanted the best, you went with Garcia's Dogs.

It wasn't like he needed money, nor did he need anything more to do with his time, so when his mother would call up and ask if he was seeing anyone, he would remind her of this, that he was busy and content with the dogs (of all kinds) that shaped his world.

He had never really expected to be chosen for the show. He'd watched a few episodes of it after his mother urged him to and found it ridiculous but highly entertaining. When she'd called in a flurry of excitement to tell him that the network was doing a gay Bachelor season, he'd laughed it off and swore he would never put himself in that sort of environment. His mother didn't back off, though, and he watched a few more episodes, thinking about what it would be like to have a gorgeous, successful man taking him on adventures and romantic dates. When he argued that he would never be chosen over what was sure to be a group of men more handsome than him, his mother scolded him for thinking so little of himself and assured him he was gorgeous with a heart of gold and if nothing else, he might meet a man on the show that would be worth knowing once it ended. "No one says you have to fall in love with the Bachelor himself, Carlos. I bet there'll be a nice man looking for someone just like you."

It was that thought in his mind as he boarded the plane to Los Angeles. Could there be a man out there who wouldn't mind sharing a house with him and five dogs? Who wouldn't mind the dogs squeezing them out of bed as they made room for themselves and sometimes practically suffocated you in their need to be loved? Carlos thought maybe he could make an exception, though, for a man who would love him the way he dreamed of being loved, who would understand him and accept his eccentricities, a man who would love him through the night but be just as content to lay in bed and talk, too-or play video games for hours, his guilty pleasure.

For a man like that, Carlos left the comfort of his routine and flew into the unknown, his heart soaring in hope for the first time.

For a man like that, he would get the dogs a room of their own.

* * *

><p>Logan hung up the phone with a pit deep in his stomach, wondering now what he'd been thinking applying to be a contestant on "The Bachelor." He had to sit down in a nearby chair, feeling his stomach cramp up as it always did when nerves assaulted him. Was he really going to leave Caroline and fly to Los Angeles for six weeks on the mere chance he would find love and a suitable father for his angel?<p>

Logan had no misconceptions about the show or the circus it would be. He'd watched for years, his wife getting hooked on it first and then slowly dragging Logan into the drama. They'd laughed together at the ridiculousness, questioning the sanity of people who would purposely put themselves in a situation like that, where you were fighting for the attention of a man (or woman, in the case of "The Bachelorette") who had the luxury of dating at least twenty others while making up his mind. While it was true that women did tend to be more dramatic than the men, Logan also knew that gay males could put females to shame in the drama department.

This was why he was currently fighting off a panic attack, a hand rubbing his face as he attempted to calm himself down. He'd read all the rules, knew he could leave at any time once the contest began, but it didn't help the notion that he was an idiot for even considering this, that it was a mistake to spend even one week away from Caroline.

When the panic ratcheted up another notch, Logan stood and walked to his daughter's bedroom, peeking in at her sleeping soundly in her Spongebob bed. She normally fought him on naps, though never in a way that tested his patience really, but today she'd gone without protest and Logan knew that meant she was coming down with the cold that had been going around her school. He worried again about leaving her, telling himself she would be fine in the care of his mother (who had of course been more than willing to help Logan find someone to love) but again the panic set in. What if she fell gravely ill and he wasn't here to take care of her? What if he said goodnight to her on the phone and woke up the next morning to the news she'd passed away?

Most would think him ridiculous to fret over a scenario like that, but those people hadn't watched it happened. Logan had lost his wife overnight, when a blood clot went straight to her brain and just like that, he was alone.

_Well, not alone._ He smiled now, watching Caroline. He'd been terrified after losing his partner, alternately depressed and horrified at the prospect of raising a child on his own. She wasn't old enough to speak much at that point, but her cries for Mommy ripped into his heart and left him a shell of his former self, wondering what in the world made him think he could ever be a proper father.

What had kept him going then was what kept him going now, the need to provide and care for his child, who he loved above anything else in this world. He watched Caroline's chest rise and fall under the bright yellow blanket, and suddenly he was overwhelmed with the need to touch her, to make sure she was real and not about to disappear.

Logan moved to the bed and settled on the edge of it, running a hand over her tangled hair (even at five she hated having her hair brushed) and brushing a thumb over her cheek. Yes, she was starting to feel feverish, and another wave of guilt washed over him. How could he even consider leaving her for six weeks?

Pale blue eyes blinked up at him, the eyes of her mother that still squeezed Logan's heart. "Daddy?" she croaked.

_As if it would be anyone else._ "Hey, sweetheart. How you feeling?"

"I'm hot."

"Yeah, you're getting sick."

"Do I get popsicles?" she asked, waking up quickly at the notion.

"I think we can manage that," Logan chuckled. Caroline loved the electrolyte-heavy freezer pops he plied her with when sick. "You want one now?"

"Yeah." She kicked off the covers, Logan standing to accommodate the movement, then she shivered. "Now I'm cold."

"I know. Come on, pumpkin." Logan scooped her up and carried her to the kitchen, waiting until she was done rubbing at her eyes to pass her the "treat."

"I want a red one."

"We don't have any more red ones. You ate them all."

"Nuh uh, there's red ones."

With an inner exasperated sigh Logan showed her the open box. After she perused it carefully, her bottom lip stuck out. "The store has red ones."

"Yes, but we're not going to the store. Green or purple, take your pick."

Caroline hesitated as if that would make the red ones suddenly appear.

"Caroline, we're letting all the cold air out. Green or purple?"

"Greeeeeeeen," she sighed, obviously preparing herself for the worst kind of torture.

"The green ones are good. They taste like apple. Or is it lime?" Logan returned the rest of the ice pops to the freezer and shut it. "You want to watch some cartoons?"

"Animals."

"Okay, we can do that." He deposited Caroline gently on the couch before flipping the television to the wildlife channel, which never ceased to fascinate her. After joining her, he asked, "If I needed to take a trip for a little while, how would you feel about that?"

"Where you going?"

"To Los Angeles. It's a big city far away."

"Can I go?"

"No. Grandma would stay here with you."

"How come I can't go?"

"Because it's for grown-ups only."

"I want to go."

"I know, but you can't."

Caroline thought it over, her tiny pink lips moving over the green ice, and finally asked, "Will Grandma play Candyland with me?"

"I'm sure she will."

"Okay then."

Logan chuckled, ruffling her hair and leaning down to place a kiss to the top of her head. Children could be so complicated, yet so simple at the same time. While it hadn't been easy raising Caroline alone for the past three years, he'd never once regretted her.

"I'll be back," he said, standing up.

"You're leaving already?"

"No, honey, I just need to call Grandma. You doing okay?"

"I'm cold."

"Right." After propping her up and covering her with a nearby blanket, Logan smiled. She was sick, but she had a "popsicle" and animals; she was in heaven. "I love you, kiddo."

"Uh huh."

Chuckling again and leaving her to the lemurs, Logan stepped into the kitchen and called his mother, staring at the tiles that were peeling up from the floor and the pantry door that kept falling off because he couldn't afford a new one.

Yeah, the little girl in the next room was worth anything he might have to suffer in order to make sure she was taken care of.

* * *

><p>Kendall Knight got the call when he was leaving a meeting with his head coach and general manager. It was with a heavy heart that he stepped out of the office, almost immediately regretting his decision and tempted to go back in and retract it, but the ringing of his phone from a Los Angeles area code distracted him. Having played for the L.A. Kings hockey team for a number of years prior to his current team, the San Jose Sharks, he'd met and made a lot of friends in that area and it could only be someone he'd love talking to.<p>

He was surprised to hear an unfamiliar voice on the line, a woman informing him he'd been selected as a contestant for "The Bachelor." His jaw dropped slightly as he listened to instructions and it became real, and by the time he was behind the wheel of his car and hanging up, his mouth had formed a huge smile.

Kendall's fingers pulled up his mother's number next, and when she picked up he gushed, "Mom! The Bachelor people called! I'm doing it!"

"Are you serious? Honey, that's wonderful! I'm so excited for you!"

"I know, I can't believe it actually worked! I mean, it's probably only because of the hockey, because I'm already a known entity and they figure I'll pull in ratings. But who cares? If I find love, I don't care why they chose me."

"Exactly. But you know it won't be easy. There will be a lot of catty behavior and you might even get your heart broken. That's my only fear for you, Kendall."

"Yeah, I know. But like you said before, even if I don't end up with the Bachelor, I'll meet a lot of other guys looking for love. Hopefully normal guys who are sane. Oh, and can handle my schedule during the season."

"How did your meeting go?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess. They weren't happy that I'm sitting out the rest of the season, and it wasn't an easy decision for me, but I've already missed so much of it with this injury and it's gonna take me time to get back in shape. By the time that's done, the season will be over anyway."

"Unless you get to finals."

"Well...yeah. And now they're gonna think I did this just to do the show, but I do have a doctor's note with a recommendation for me to continue healing before trying to play again."

"I know you fought that at first, and I'm so glad you're taking the time off instead. Now you can try dating."

Kendall sighed, chuckling. "That's what the show is for, Mom. If I can't find a good match in a group of thirty men looking for love, I might as well give up."

"No. Never give up. But I think you have a good chance." She hesitated, then said "I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm glad you got injured."

Eyebrows raised, Kendall responded, "Mom, what the hell?"

"Wait, that came out wrong." His mother sighed and started again. "What I mean is I'm glad you were forced to take time to look around at your life. It showed you what's missing."

Kendall was silent, unable to argue because his mother was right. It wasn't until he was stuck at home with nothing to do that he'd realized there was more to life than hockey, because one day hockey would end. What would he be left with then?

"You're lonely, aren't you?" she asked delicately.

"I wasn't," Kendall argued half-heartedly. "Not until I stopped going long enough to really see things. In the off-season I keep so busy catching up with everyone and staying in shape and I just...never stop."

"But one day you will, sweetheart. I don't want you to be alone when you do."

"I know." Kendall leaned his head back against the seat, eyes closed. "I don't want that either. The past few months have been hell, Mom. I just need...someone."

"Of course you do. I've been there, it was years before I decided to date again after your father left. Once you kids were grown, I realized how lonely I was."

"And look at you now," Kendall grinned, thinking of his stepfather. "Happier than I've ever seen you."

"Exactly. And you deserve that, too."

"What kind of man would understand and be okay with my work schedule, though? And all the traveling?"

"He's out there, honey. Maybe not on 'The Bachelor', but if not there then somewhere. It's a good way for you to break into the dating world again. Just give it a chance, okay?"

"I am. I'm actually excited, those Bachelor guys are usually pretty hot."

"Yes, they are," she laughed. "They didn't tell you anything about him, did they?"

"No, we find out the day we all arrive. They take us through the rules and get us settled in the big mansion, then tell us a little about him. And the first night we get to meet him, do that whole 'exit the limo' greeting thing. I still can't believe you got me watching that stupid show."

"I know, it's addicting. Do I have permission to tell Katie about this?"

Kendall groaned. "She's gonna find out anyway. And she won't let me live it down. She'll tease me mercilessly, Mom."

"Yes, but she'll also be sitting right next to me rooting for you each week. Of course by then we'll know if you won, but...still. It'll be fun."

"I'm sure I'll be sitting right next to you watching it, too."

"Nope. You'll be watching it with your new man."

"Mom, stop," Kendall laughed, blushing slightly. "This may lead to nothing."

"Or it might lead to happiness with the man of your dreams."

And that was the bottom line. The chance for that made it all worth it, even the drama he knew he'd be subjected to. He imagined he'd be the one sitting back and trying to stay out of it, but inevitably he'd be pulled in and forced to break up fights, as he always was; it was his nature, apparently, and his entire life he'd been the peacemaker. "I hope you're right," Kendall said to his mother. "Because it's not going to be a picnic."

"Don't worry about everyone else, honey. Just focus on your future. You're an incredible man, I just know he's going to fall for you. And if he breaks your heart, Katie and I will find out where he lives and break all his bones to get even."

Laughing, Kendall shook his head. "Okay, I've gotta get home. Looks like I have some packing to do. I'll call you later, Mom. Love you."

"I love you, too. Now go get yourself a man."

As Kendall pulled out of the lot a few minutes later, he was smiling again. In Los Angeles, his future husband was waiting for him. There was no guarantee Kendall would even want to marry this man once they met, but if he did, he knew he could win.

One thing Kendall Knight could always do once he set his mind to it was win.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

So I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Two hours in and already the cliques were forming. Kendall wasn't really surprised, as he'd expected that, but he hadn't expected to be shunned simply for existing. One of the contestants had recognized him, and as the rumblings made their way through the clusters of men Kendall finally understood that his semi-celebrity status gave him an unfair advantage over everyone else (or so the consensus seemed to be).<p>

They'd all been shown to their rooms and Kendall considered himself lucky to be sharing with two guys who seemed somewhat normal, or at the very least not prone to drama. The little mixer going on presently was an opportunity for the contestants to get to know each other a bit, but Kendall was sitting in a corner of the room by himself and more than content to be there sipping his beer and watching everyone else mingle.

He chuckled as his roommate Carlos flitted to the next group of men, having inserted himself in each one as if doing a taste test to determine the right flavor for his palate. The shorter, darker-skinned man was friendly and bubbly and currently the only one who hadn't glared at him in any way since he'd been outed as a "celebrity."

_Well, that's not true. Logan hasn't, either._ Kendall's attention was drawn to his other roommate, a seemingly shy and quiet sort who was more interested in staring out the window at the gardens surrounding the massive pool than in his fellow contestants. The vibe he'd received from Logan as they shook hands hadn't been negative, but Kendall hadn't felt any warmth in it, either. He was curious, feeling that familiar pull to someone who didn't fit in and was usually ruled out by all competition as the underdog.

_I don't know why he'd be considered no competition, he's gorgeous._ Brown hair that was combed down carefully but would probably be extremely sexy when tousled by a rough hand, along with piercing chocolate eyes that studied you in a glance, observing everything there was to see and storing it away to be processed later. Kendall had felt like a specimen to be analyzed when they'd shaken hands and nodded at each other in the bedroom, but it hadn't necessarily been a _bad_ feeling.

Making a snap decision, Kendall reached back into the tub of iced drinks behind him and called out, "Logan! Think fast!" When Logan spun around in surprise, hands in pockets and gaze confused, Kendall launched a bottle of beer at him.

Quick reflexes had Logan's hands coming up to catch it automatically as his eyes widened. He relaxed and sent Kendall a tiny but rueful smile. "Thanks."

Ignoring the sudden attention thrown their way, Kendall inclined his head slightly in invitation for Logan to join him. After a brief hesitation Logan did, settling onto the loveseat next to Kendall but keeping a respectable distance.

"If you're not a Corona kind of guy, there are other beers in there," Kendall offered.

"Corona's good, thanks. Haven't had a beer in ages." Logan cracked open the bottle and took a long swallow, Kendall admiring his profile. Like most of the men in the room, Logan truly was gorgeous, if in an understated way.

"Seriously? Not even a few while watching a game on T.V.?"

"I don't watch sports much, and somehow knocking back a brewski while watching 'Dora the Explorer' feels wrong," Logan chuckled.

"Dora the...Logan, do you have kids?" Kendall asked softly in surprise.

He hesitated once again, Kendall learning quickly that this was a standard response with Logan, but finally said, "A daughter. And I don't want that spread around, so can we keep it between us?"

"Sure, but why should it be a secret? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Did you adopt?"

"No, I was married. She died a few years back."

"Logan, I'm so sorry." Without giving even two thoughts to how it might look, Kendall covered Logan's hand and squeezed. "Did you realize after that you were gay or did you always know deep down?"

Taking another sip before leaning back into the loveseat and pulling his hand free from Kendall's, Logan said quietly, "I've been attracted to men all my life, but dated women when I did date. I loved her, though. She's the only woman I've ever loved and I married her without reservation. She was amazing, a wonderful mother and my best friend and I miss her every day. And I can't believe I just told you all that." Logan blinked, shaking his head. "I don't like to talk about it."

"We don't have to, it's fine. But if you need to, I don't mind listening."

"Thanks. I prefer not to. How about you? I hear you play hockey. Does being openly gay make that difficult?"

"Sometimes," Kendall replied, settling back against the cushions. "Mostly it's not a big deal once I get on the ice and show what I can do. Then I become the threat rather than the girly man to be laughed at."

"Nice," Logan chuckled. "But it must be hard having that stigma automatically attached to you. No one in my life knows I'm gay, except my mother. When the show airs it's going to change the way all of my patrons and co-workers see me. I'm worried Caroline will be teased, and I'm totally prepared to move if I have to."

"How old is she?"

"Only five, but she goes to school so she might hear some things."

"Yeah, I'm lucky in that my little sister's old enough to punch anyone who says anything bad about me. Then again, she did that at the age of ten, so really that's not saying much."

"She sounds great," Logan grinned. "My mom says the same thing, she'll make anyone sorry for laughing at my sexuality."

"Where do you work that you have...patrons? Is that what you called it?"

"Yes. I run the local library. Pretty much everyone in town knows me and I think they're going to feel let down when it gets out I'm gay."

"Who cares what they think? I can see that it might make your job a little harder with some people, but it's nobody's business except yours and Caroline's. Where is she staying while this is going on?"

"My mom's living at my house with her. Mom encouraged me to do this, she wants to see me find love and someone to raise Caroline with. I have no idea what to expect in this Bachelor guy or even if he'd be open to dating a man with a kid. The producers almost turned me down because as a father I'm not considered 100% gay, but they decided bringing in someone with a child might be interesting to the viewers."

"Yeah, my notoriety as a pro athlete is what got me in, I'm sure. It's all about the ratings for these people."

"Which is what worries me. But I can leave at any time if I need to."

"Aww, Logan, you're not leaving yet, are you?"

Logan and Kendall glanced up at the man who'd appeared in front of them and was currently frowning at Logan. Carlos had flitted his way over to them.

"I...well, no. I was just saying if I need to, I can."

"Good, because you seem like a nice guy. And after talking to everyone else here, I think those are gonna be hard to find."

"You seemed to fit in with a few people," Kendall reasoned. "They can't all be assholes."

"No," Carlos agreed, "but since we're all in competition, the asshole meter is off the charts. Everyone has to look out for themselves, you know?"

"Yeah, but we're all here with the same goal, right? To find love? Can't be a complete dick if you expect to win over a man." When Kendall noticed Carlos shooting him a curious look, he asked, "What? Aren't you here to find love?"

"I am, but I was wondering how you knew I 'fit in with a few people.' Were you watching me, Kendall?" Carlos teased, one eyebrow cocked as he smirked.

Kendall's cheeks colored. "Maybe," he conceded. "I'm fascinated by the way you hop from group to group, testing everyone out like you're trying on shoes. But I think you've reached the end of the line now, there are no conversations left for you to crash."

"Looks like I saved the best for last, then, didn't I? I think these shoes fit pretty well. You guys aren't assholes." Carlos perched on the arm of the couch next to Logan, not even noticing that Logan looked almost panicked at the proximity as he reached behind them for a beer with one hand and squeezed Logan's shoulder with the other.

With a chuckle Kendall scooted as far to the right as he could, allowing Logan to distance himself some from Carlos.

"So how about you, Logan?" Carlos asked after tipping back his bottle. "You here to find love?"

"Like Kendall said, we all are."

"I'm not so sure. See those two in the corner? The way they're talking, it's all a game to them. They just want to win. And the dude in the hat? He wants to get famous. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to talk to you yet, Kendall."

"He probably thinks I'm an asshole," Kendall quipped.

"Ah, touché." Carlos laughed and clinked bottles with Kendall, Logan shrinking back into the cushions to get out of the way. "Logan, dude, loosen up. Have some fun. Isn't it nice to get away from your life for a while at least? Think of it like a vacation."

Knowing Logan was worried about his daughter, Kendall said, "Doesn't mean we don't miss our lives and people back home."

"No, I know. It wasn't easy to leave my business in the hands of my little brother for six weeks, trust me. But I decided to do this, so I'm gonna have fun with it."

"What's your business?" Logan asked Carlos.

"Hot dogs."

"Hot dogs? Really?"

"Yes. I sell hot dogs. We've expanded to other stuff, too, but the hot dogs are still what everyone loves best. They're the best hot dogs in the world."

"That's a pretty huge claim to make," Logan commented.

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "Because nobody can beat Garcia's Dogs. Have you guys had those? Every time we play in New York I make myself sick eating those damn things. So worth it, though."

Carlos sat up straighter, beaming. "Why thank you, Kendall. Told you they're the best in the world."

Kendall's eyes widened. "No way. You own that place?"

"Started out with one little cart downtown. The secret isn't the hot dogs themselves, but the spices I use."

"Dude, they're addicting. I don't even like hot dogs that much, but when I'm in NYC that's all I eat. You win, they are the best in the world." They clinked bottles again, Logan leaning back.

"I've never had them," he contributed. "This is the first time I've been out of Wisconsin since I was a kid."

"Wisconsin? I'm from Minnesota! We're neighbors," Kendall smiled.

"Aww, I'm jealous. I'm way over in New York, on the other side of the country from you guys. No fair."

"It's not that far. And just think," Logan began, "if you win, you might move out here. Of course it depends on where the Bachelor is from. You might end up in Texas for all we know."

"That's a good point," Kendall agreed. "You ready to leave behind your business, Carlos? He might be the kind of guy who refuses to move."

"He travels all the time anyway, it won't be a big deal. We'll make it work."

Logan frowned, looking up at Carlos. "How do you know he travels?" He glanced over at Kendall, who shrugged.

"Because he's a model. At least that's what everyone's saying. Dave said he heard from Scott that it's James Diamond."

Logan's brows drew together. "James Diamond? Never heard of him."

Kendall's face had turned to stone. "Please tell me you're joking, Carlos. Please. I did not come all this way to meet some stuck-up, full-of-himself playboy who sleeps with a different guy every fucking night."

"Give him a chance, Kendall. You haven't even met him."

"I don't need to meet him, Carlos." Kendall stood up. "If that's who we're dealing with, I might as well leave right now."

Logan grabbed Kendall's sleeve and pulled him back down. "Calm down, it may not even be true. Now who's James Diamond?"

"A gorgeous model who will take your breath away the second he walks into the room," Carlos answered.

"You left out the part about him being a sleazeball who spends more time worrying about his hair than the way he treats people."

"For someone who hates him so much, you seem to know a lot about him, Kendall," Logan teased.

"Yeah, how _do_ you know all this?"

"Don't you guys ever read the magazine covers at the grocery store?" Kendall asked. When both Logan and Carlos laughed, Kendall sighed. "Okay, there's also the fact that I've been stuck at home for two months with nothing to do but watch television. I can't help but see his stupid face everywhere-on the news, on those celebrity shows, even on commercials. Besides that, my mom likes to keep up on celebrity gossip. Oh, she's gonna die when she finds out it's him."

"It might not even be him," Logan soothed again, patting Kendall's arm. "Calm down."

"I'm pretty sure it's him," Carlos argued. "Everyone seems to think so. And if it is, he's freaking hot."

"Looks aren't everything," Kendall reminded him.

"No, but he'll be pretty to stare at if nothing else. At least until he sends me home. You guys, what if I don't even make it past tonight? That would suck."

"It would be his loss, Carlos."

Carlos smiled over at Kendall. "Thanks. He'd be stupid to send you guys home, too."

"If I don't leave first. Seriously, it can't be him. That guy's got too much going on. How can he just leave everything behind for six weeks?"

Logan bit his lip before responding. "Sometimes the risk is worth it, if there's a chance of fulfilling your hopes and dreams."

Kendall's face softened, his hand cupping Logan's as he realized how important it was to Logan to find a good father for Caroline. "I know. I'm the first to tell people not to let opportunities pass them by. But Logan, he's not the kind of guy you want to take home. Trust me."

"Give him a chance," Carlos said again. "Maybe he woke up one day and realized he's lonely. You can only fuck a million guys for so long before it leaves you feeling empty. Not that I've ever had that problem myself, but..."

"Yeah, I know," Kendall chuckled. "Me neither."

"And you can't trust everything you read in magazines," Carlos added. "One guy who did a story about me screwed up and said I had six dogs."

"Wow," Logan said.

"I know! I only have five dogs, thank you very much!"

Kendall and Logan busted up laughing. "Yeah, that's so much better," Kendall shook his head.

"You'd love my babies. They're the best cuddlers in the whole world."

"Thanks, but I'm looking for someone with less fur to cuddle with."

"Yeah," Carlos replied wistfully. "Me, too."

Glancing from Carlos to Logan, who had pulled out his phone and was rubbing a thumb over the background picture of a darling little girl in braids, Kendall was suddenly hit with a sense of impending doom. These two were going to get their hearts broken, he had no doubt; neither had any idea what he was in for with James Diamond. Sighing, he knew what he had to do-if they survived the first rose ceremony tonight, Kendall would have to stay for them, both to protect them from the assholes around them and to help them through the inevitable broken hearts that would result when James sent them home.

"To love," he said, lifting his bottle.

"To love," Carlos nodded, grinning as he clinked with Kendall.

After sliding his phone back into his pocket, Logan raised his own bottle. "To love."

* * *

><p>As the limo rolled up the winding road toward the big mansion, Kendall was surprised to realize he was actually nervous. It wasn't that he cared either way what James Diamond thought of him, really, but at the same time it was necessary to make a good impression because he wanted to stick around for his new friends.<p>

Carlos' intel had indeed been right—they were told it was James they would be meeting and the overall reception had been excited anticipation. Logan and Carlos were currently voicing their musings aloud, wondering if he would be as gorgeous in person as he was in pictures. After Carlos had whipped out his phone and looked up a few pics for Logan to see, Logan was both nervous and excited himself about meeting James.

Kendall had to admit, the man was beautiful. Chestnut hair that shone under the lights and camera flashes usually aimed his way, hazel eyes that seemed somewhat guarded in interviews, and a body that proved James at least took care of himself physically. There had been rumors floating around that James had undergone plastic surgery at a younger age in order to ensure his place in the modeling world, but Kendall didn't buy that. Pictures he'd seen on those celebrity entertainment shows proved James had always been beautiful. It wasn't his looks that turned Kendall off, it was the arrogance and obvious sense of entitlement that was so apparent every time the man opened his mouth.

"I wish I could've brought him a hot dog," Carlos sighed, pulling Kendall out of his thoughts.

While Logan rolled his eyes, Kendall said, "You know, normally I'd laugh at a comment like that, but I know from experience that would win me over. What sort of spices to do you use in those things, anyway?"

"Highly-guarded secret, Kendall."

"I'm sure you'll find a way to get him one, and then we'll all be screwed."

"Kendall, you have nothing to worry about," Logan smiled from his seat across the car. "You're gorgeous. He's not sending you home."

Flattered, Kendall was momentarily speechless but then responded, "Thank you, Logan. I was having similar thoughts about you earlier."

Logan immediately blushed and looked down with a tiny smile.

"Do I need to leave you two alone?" Carlos joked, moving as if about to open the limo door.

"Nah," Kendall laughed. "But it needed to be said, because I get the feeling Logan doesn't think too highly of himself. Nor do you, Carlos. You two are both sexy in your own ways."

"It's just the hair," Logan grinned, running a hand over his new spiky 'do. After staring at himself in the mirror with a forlorn look for five minutes, he'd finally allowed Kendall and Carlos to give him a makeover. There wasn't much they could change except his hair, but Kendall thought the rest was perfect on its own. "Still not used to this," Logan said now. "I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not."

"Just be yourself," Kendall advised. "But talk to him, don't let the shyness overwhelm you. You're actually a very intelligent guy, aren't you?"

"Certified genius," Logan answered. "I was going to be a neurosurgeon until..." After a glance at Carlos, Logan finished, "...things got in the way."

"Wait, so you're a genius? Damn, I can't compete with that. All I got is hot dogs."

Kendall shook his head. "No, Carlos, you've got an infectious smile and a bubbly, charismatic personality that makes everyone instantly like you."

"It's true," Logan nodded.

"Most of those guys weren't very friendly."

"That's because you're competition."

"Exactly," Kendall agreed. "Trust me, I'm the one who needs to worry. I've got nothing going for me except hockey, and while the producers seemed to see the value in that, James certainly won't."

"Are you kidding?" Carlos argued with wide eyes. "That's why the guys all hate you. Because James is obsessed with hockey."

"Obsessed with...what are you talking about?"

"Dude, I heard the guys, they said it's not fair that you're on the show because James loves hockey, goes to every game he can. It's his favorite sport."

"Wow," Logan commented. "Looks like you've got a good chance, then, Kendall."

"You've got to be joking. There's no way that pompous pretty boy likes anything as brutal and manly as hockey."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Now who's stereotyping?" Carlos nodded with a smirk.

"You guys, I'm not...it's..." Kendall fell silent as it sank in. "Damn, you're right. I'm just as bad as the ones who think because I'm gay I don't know how to play hockey. Shit."

"See?" Carlos said as he kicked a foot out to nudge Kendall's. "Don't assume things about him. He might actually be a nice guy."

"Yeah, still not buying that."

"Oh god, there it is." Logan wrung his hands as they all turned to stare out the window at the mansion looming in the dark. "I'm gonna throw up. I can't do this."

"You're gonna be great," Carlos soothed, sliding an arm over Logan's shoulder and hugging him close. "Show him that brain of yours."

"I don't know what to say."'

"Just be yourself," Kendall said again. "Both of you. I know tonight's a big deal, we all have to make an impression that makes him want to keep us around, but no matter what happens with him, you two will find love. I guarantee you that. You're both incredible guys."

Touched, Logan and Carlos smiled up at Kendall and reached out for a hand. He took each of theirs, all of them squeezing tight as the limo rolled to a stop. "To love," they said in unison, their stomachs tight with nerves.

* * *

><p>James was torn between excitement and impatience as he watched the last limo roll to a stop. He couldn't believe how hot most of these guys were and couldn't wait to get inside and mingle with all of them, to start getting his feet wet and see what lay behind the pretty faces. He was trying to take Lana's advice and think of them not only as sex objects but actual people who were here to find love, but so far it had been difficult because he spent less than a minute in each man's company. How could you think of more than someone's looks when you barely got to talk to them?<p>

He smiled as a short, energetic guy bounded out of the limo and made his way forward as if he'd decided to jump in headfirst and not look back. James liked that in a person. "Hey," he greeted, holding out a hand.

"What's up? I'm Carlos, and I'm here to win you over."

James laughed, taken aback by the declaration. "Well that's good, because I'm here to be won over. What should I know about you?"

"I make a mean hot dog."

"Oh? I happen to love hot dogs."

"Then you'll happen to love _me_," Carlos beamed, and James found that he couldn't stop smiling—it was infectious when those bright eyes were sparkling at you.

"Cocky, aren't you?" James asked, but he was amused.

"I'm in it to win it, and I take only one prisoner. That would be you."

Feeling a flirtatious reply at the tip of his tongue, James held it in; he wasn't here to bring someone home for the night, and habit made him want to turn everything into a sexual invitation when he was approached in that manner. Instead he said, "I look forward to hearing more about this plan of yours. Especially if it involves hot dogs."

"Find me inside, handsome."

Carlos winked and headed toward the house, leaving James almost speechless. He was used to being flirted with, and certainly there had been a few who were forward tonight, but something about the sparkle in those dark eyes left him feeling playful rather than simply wanting to drag the guy off to bed. Carlos would be someone he'd have fun with, no doubt.

James was still thinking about Carlos when he realized the next man was walking toward him; he'd been so quiet James hadn't even noticed. "Hi."

"Hello," the guy managed. He held out a hand and James shook it, surprised to find the grip stronger than the man's seemingly small frame hinted at.

"I'm James," he coaxed, unsure whether the guy was nervous or trying to play the mysterious role.

"Logan." Clearing his throat, Logan squeezed James' hand tighter before releasing it.

"Are you...alright?"

"Me? I'm great, I...okay, no, I'm extremely nervous and I'm sure it shows and you're so much more gorgeous in person and I just—wow, can't believe I said that out loud."

James found the flush that crept up Logan's cheeks adorable. He laughed and reached up to lay a hand on Logan's shoulder. "It's okay, I don't bite. Not unless you want me to."

The poor guy's eyes almost bugged out and James laughed again. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. But really, just because I'm beautiful doesn't mean you should be afraid of me. I can be nice."

"I didn't mean to insinuate that you couldn't, I'm sorry. Can I just get back in the limo and start over, we can pretend this never happened?" Logan asked with an embarrassed smile.

"Absolutely not." James loved that even Logan's ears had turned red. "Get in there and have a drink, I'll find you and show you I'm not a scary guy. Don't let my sexy intimidate you." When Logan managed an eye roll, James knew he was relaxing. "I'll catch you later, Logan."

Logan nodded and moved past James, who turned around to watch him go. "Adorable," he said to himself with a chuckle, then spun back around to greet the last contestant. He was tall, he was blond, and when he looked up with intense green eyes James felt his stomach drop. "Oh my god," he whispered.

The guy held a hand out. "Hi, I'm-"

"Kendall Knight. Holy shit, is it really you?"

"Uh..." After glancing around, Kendall said quietly, "I think they're gonna have to bleep that out. You probably shouldn't cuss too much while you're being filmed."

"I can't...oh my god, it_ is_ you! I've wanted to meet you forever, you're the best player I've ever seen and I went to all the games I could when you were on the Kings and I can't believe you're standing right in front of me, Kendall Knight, holy shit!"

"Dude, calm down. It's okay, I'm just a person."

"I know, but you're Kendall Knight! Kendall freaking Knight! Can't believe this!" James forced himself to take a breath, putting his hands up as if pushing away air. "Okay. I'm okay. I can do this. I just...wow. Kendall Knight! I feel like I should be asking for your autograph or something!"

"How about we try shaking hands instead?"

"Right. Yes. Hands." James shoved his out, telling himself to relax, he was making an idiot out of himself but _oh my god, it's Kendall Knight!_ Kendall shook it with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes and James noticed that immediately, his own narrowing. _I just ruined this. Fuck. I'm a fan to him now, not someone he'd want to date. Just calm down and be normal. _ "I'm sorry, they didn't tell me. I'm a huge fan and that's something they should've told me."

"They like surprises, haven't you watched the show?" Kendall grinned and released James' hand.

_That gorgeous smile, there it is. Focus, James. _ "I'll uh...see you inside, then?"

"Wouldn't miss it," Kendall answered, and then he was gone.

James took a long moment to get himself under control, and then he went in to face the crowd of men who would soon be fighting over him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

So I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>"I ruined it," Logan mumbled with a hand over his face.<p>

"Come on, I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Carlos motioned for Kendall to get something for Logan to drink, he didn't care what as long as it would relax him.

"It was. I told him he's more gorgeous in person."

"Logan," Kendall began, passing Carlos a wine cooler, "I'm sure he loved hearing that. The guy's stuck on himself."

"But you don't want to blurt out something like that the first time you meet someone!" Absently screwing open the bottle Carlos had handed him, Logan gulped down half of it before continuing. "I bet he's laughing at me."

"I bet he's not," Kendall argued. He was perched on the arm of the couch next to Carlos, a hand reaching over to squeeze Logan's shoulder. "He probably found you adorable. I know I would've."

"Yeah, but you're you. He's...wow. How is anyone that beautiful?"

"I know!" Carlos hissed. "I don't even know how I got two words out, he was so gorgeous! But I was determined to get out there and make an impression. I think I did, he wants to hear more about my hot dogs."

After exchanging a glance, Logan and Kendall started giggling. "Did you really mention the hot dogs?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

"I did! I mean, I didn't tell him the whole story, you don't have a lot of time, you know? But I told him I make a mean hot dog and he said he likes hot dogs. Does that sound stupid? It sounds stupid, doesn't it?"

Sliding an arm around Carlos, Logan soothed, "Don't worry. At least he didn't tell you he only bites if you want him to."

Carlos almost spit out his drink. "What? He said that to you?"

Kendall shook his head, laughing. "See, Logan? You had nothing to worry about. He was flirting with you. Sounds like with you, too, Carlos."

"I couldn't really tell. It happened so fast. What about you, Kendall? You _were_ nice to him, weren't you?"

"Well, I didn't get much of a chance to talk. He just kept gushing."

"Gushing how?" Logan asked.

"Carlos was right, he's a huge hockey fan, I guess, and he recognized me. It was weird, I felt like I was at a game and meeting a fan instead of my possible future husband."

Carlos shook his head. "Man, you are so lucky. No wonder they all hate you, you already have this in the bag."

"Not even," Kendall disagreed. "Being a fan doesn't mean you know someone. He probably-"

The room fell silent as James appeared, smiling at all of them in greeting. His eyes settled on Kendall and then sort of melted before moving on.

"You were saying?" Carlos joked quietly. "Damn, he's all over you."

"He won't like me once he gets to know me." Kendall stood up as James approached them, already knowing what was coming. When James asked if he could borrow Kendall for a few minutes, Kendall merely nodded and followed James out to the pool area, feeling daggers of hatred from every direction.

Once they were seated in a loveseat on the patio, James took a deep breath. "Okay, so I kind of freaked out earlier. Can we forget about that whole thing?"

"Kind of hard," Kendall smirked, sitting sideways and leaning back some. Carlos and Logan had been right, James was breathtakingly gorgeous. He hadn't noticed it much out front due to his surprise at being gushed over.

"I'm sorry, it really threw me. What are you even doing here, the season's still going on! Were the Sharks stupid enough to let you go for a few months?"

"I've been out with an injury. Pulled a muscle and it sidelined me."

"I've barely been able to see any games lately, been so busy. I didn't know. You're okay, though, right? Still gonna play?"

"Yes, but not this season. I'm still recovering, though I'm pretty much healed."

James shook his head. "I'm trying to figure out what you're doing here. You could have anybody, dude. You're so hot."

"Um. Thanks." Unused to such blatant compliments, Kendall blushed slightly and took a second to sip his beer. "What about you? Don't you have a million guys beating down your door?"

"Doesn't mean I want to open it to any of them."

"But you think you'll find someone special here?"

"It could happen. There are a lot of gorgeous guys in that house."

"There are," Kendall nodded. "Got your eye on any of them yet?"

"Not like I'd tell you if I did," James smirked. "But there is one really hot guy sitting right next to me that I'm dying to kiss."

"Oh." Blushing again, Kendall cleared his throat. "Kissing on the first date's not a good idea, especially with twenty-five other guys watching us."

"Don't forget about the millions of viewers at home that will see it eventually."

"Yeah. Why did I agree to this again?" Kendall asked.

"Because you're lonely, I would guess. Isn't that why all of you are here?"

"Not necessarily. Some have agendas that are nothing to do with you. Be careful who you give your heart to."

"Thanks for the tip. If I-" James stopped speaking, looking up in surprise as they were joined by a guy that Kendall thought was named Peter. "Hi."

"Hi! May I steal you?"

Kendall could see that James wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he smiled as Kendall stood and motioned for Peter to take the vacated seat. "I'll catch you later, Kendall."

Nodding, Kendall made his way back to the house, his heart beating a little harder than he wanted to acknowledge. Part of him had been tempted to let James kiss him, and could anyone blame him really? The man was achingly beautiful.

He found Carlos and Logan where he'd left them, chatting on the loveseat. He ignored the curious glances sent their way as he settled onto the arm next to Logan.

"Well?" Carlos prodded.

"Well, what? We just talked for a few minutes. He was embarrassed about his behavior earlier, wanted to apologize."

"We saw Peter go out there," Logan commented.

"Yeah, he interrupted us. Which was fine, James is supposed to spend time with everyone."

Carlos was nodding. "So he _is_ nice. I told you, Kendall."

"I never said he was nice. I said he was apologetic due to his embarrassment."

"Still. You're so winning this."

"Carlos, I haven't even talked to him for more than ten minutes! This is only the first night."

"I just hope I get a rose," Logan worried. "I'd like to stay long enough to have one real date with him. Well, maybe. Every time I think about being alone with him I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

"You'll be fine." Carlos patted Logan's knee, his attention drawn away by James re-entering the house. When James' eyes swept over them and then back, he gave James a bright grin. James chuckled, motioning for him to approach, and Carlos hopped up. "Yes!"

"Good luck!" Kendall called out. "He's so exuberant," he said to Logan.

"He is. It's kind of cute, isn't it? He's just so excited to be here, wants to find someone so badly."

Sliding down onto the cushion, Kendall asked, "And do you? Or is your main goal to find a father for Caroline?"

Logan shrugged. "Both, I guess. I am lonely."

"Did you consider dating a woman, or did you know after your wife died that you wanted a man?"

"I was sure it was a man I wanted at that point. There was a lot of guilt when she was alive, because even though I loved her and never regretted marrying her, there were times I'd lay in bed and wish I could be with a man. And that was wrong, I never should have had those thoughts."

"You can't help what you're attracted to, Logan."

"I know, but I still felt so guilty. Like I was cheating on her in my mind. She was amazing, Kendall. The best mother in the world."

"And a good wife to you?"

"Yes. She was affectionate, never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Always made a point to tell me I was sexy," Logan smiled.

"Well, you are."

"Stop," he argued, and again his cheeks flushed. "I don't feel that way. And she'd say things like that and then go to sleep while I was laying in bed having impure thoughts about a patron or the guy who works at the grocery store. I shouldn't have ever had those thoughts."

"You couldn't help it. Had you ever been with a man before?"

"Once. There was this guy in high school who always needed my help studying, and it took me forever to realize he actually wanted to make out with me. So we uh...did."

"Yeah?" Kendall grinned. "How was it?"

"Incredible. I met Jane right after that and we started dating, but if I hadn't I probably would've gone for a guy. Sometimes I think I should've, but then I think about Caroline and I know things happened the way they were supposed to."

Kendall nodded slowly. "It must be hard, raising a kid on your own."

"My mom helps a lot. After Jane died I went through a major depression, and she was there for Caroline. And she's the one who finally convinced me it wasn't my fault that Jane died."

"Your fault that...Logan, how could that possibly be your fault? How did she die?" Kendall wished he could take the words back once they were out, because Logan's face shut down and he looked like he wasn't going to answer, but then he did.

"Blood clot in her brain. There was no warning, she just..." He trailed off, looking away and tipping his bottle up to his mouth.

"Logan," Kendall said softly, reaching for his hand. "You don't have to talk about it. But you do know that's not your fault, right? You did nothing to make that happen."

Nodding, Logan blinked rapidly. "I used to think it was because I cheated on her in my mind. That God was punishing me."

"Jesus, come here." Kendall stood and pulled Logan up off the couch, dragging him out to the patio and out of sight of everyone else. Logan didn't fight it when Kendall wrapped his arms around him, sinking into the warmth of someone holding him in a way no one except his mother had since his wife died. "You know better now, right?"

"Yeah," Logan replied softly. "I do now. I was studying to be a doctor, I know how blood clots work and that it's nothing you can predict or prevent, but I was feeling so guilty over everything that I convinced myself of that."

"How did you end up in a library?"

"Caroline happened. We were planning to move so I could get my master's. I got the bachelor degree in half the time most people do, but when Jane got pregnant we decided to stay close to our parents because we knew we'd need the help. I worked more hours at the library and before I knew it, I was basically running the place and my dreams of being a doctor were—wait a minute." Logan stepped back out of Kendall's arms, looking up at him suspiciously. "How do you _do_ that?"

"Do what?" Kendall asked, bewildered.

"I've told you more about myself than most people who have known me all my life know. I don't talk about this stuff, Kendall. How in the world did you get me to spill so much?"

"I...no idea." At a loss, Kendall shrugged. "I just asked about you."

"Yeah, but people ask about me all the time, and I close up. With you it's the opposite. Damn, Carlos is right. You've got this thing won. Nobody could resist you."

The compliment surprised Kendall into a smirk. "Oh really?"

"Oh, see? Now you've got me embarrassing myself. Like this night isn't stressful enough already?"

"Dude, relax," Kendall chuckled. "Look, if you really don't have anyone you can talk to besides your mom, can I give you my number? We don't know what's going to happen tonight and I'd like to keep in touch with you if I could." When Logan hesitated, Kendall added, "I'm not trying to pick up on you. I don't have a lot of friends to talk to, either, okay? I feel like you could be someone who would be a great friend."

That did the trick. Logan nodded. "Okay. Remind me when we get back to the room tonight, we'll exchange number." A loud laugh echoed across the patio to them, and they both smiled. "What do you want to bet they're talking about hot dogs?" Kendall grinned.

"Ah, Carlos. I really like that guy."

"Me, too. We should get his number, too. If nothing else, I can get free hot dogs when I play in New York, right?"

"Definitely. Do you really think they're talking about hot dogs?"

"Honestly? I do," Kendall laughed.

* * *

><p>James had led Carlos to the same loveseat he'd used with the other contestants, but Carlos was distracted by the pool.<p>

"Look at that, is that a waterfall?" He stepped closer to the edge, eyes lit up. "Wow, a jacuzzi with a waterfall. We gotta try that."

"Now?" James asked incredulously.

"Well, okay, maybe not right now, but I'm totally checking that out when I get time."

"If you really want to strip right here and check it out, I certainly won't stop you," James smirked.

"Already trying to get me naked, are you?" Carlos teased, a smile widening across his face. "I'll take that as a compliment."

James laughed. "You are like no one I've ever met. I think we would have a lot of fun together."

"Fun is good. A lot of people don't know how to have fun. How about we just put our feet in the water for now, since we're pressed for time and you still have some more guys to talk to?" Carlos sat on the edge of the pool and started untying his shoes, and James couldn't resist. He did the same, peeling off his socks and rolling his pants up to his knees before dipping his feet in.

"Wow, that's actually not even cold. Maybe we _should_ go for a swim."

"Not enough time," Carlos said sadly. "Guess you'll have to keep me around another week so we can do this."

"I certainly have to make sure I hear about these amazing hot dogs."

"Don't mock the dogs. They're the best in the world."

"According to you and your mom?" James teased.

"According to the entire state of New York."

"Wow, really?"

"Really. I'll find a way to make you one while I'm here. But you have to promise to give me a rose tonight or you'll never know what you're missing."

James couldn't help but laugh at Carlos' persistence. "I could just fly to New York."

"Too much trouble. You've got the master right here, might as well take advantage of him."

"Interesting choice of words," James responded, eyes sparkling.

"Is it working?"

James laughed yet again—it was working a little too well. "Tell me about yourself. What do you do?"

"I just did. I sell hot dogs."

"Wait, that's your business? You actually sell hot dogs?"

"Yes, but it's better than it sounds. I own stands all over the state. My dogs are legendary."

"Seriously?"

"Yep. And it's more than just my mom who thinks so."

"So who's running the place while you're here?"

"My brother. I worry about what he'll do while I'm gone. Not that I'm in a hurry to leave," Carlos added hastily. "Keep me here as long as you want."

"You're definitely the first to make me laugh so much, I'll say that."

"Good! Next time we can go skinny-dipping."

James laughed again, loudly this time as he reached down to splash a little water toward Carlos.

"Dude! These are nice pants!" Carlos whined.

"I know, and for the first time in my life I don't even care." James splashed Carlos again.

"Oh, it's on." Carlos leaned down to scoop water up at James, who tried to duck it because Carlos was using both hands.

"No fair, one hand!"

"You started it!" Carlos yelled as James tried to stop him, and the next thing he knew they were grappling with each other, both of them giggling and kicking at the water, forgetting where they were as most of the men came running out to see what all the yelling was about.

"They're gonna fall in," Logan predicted, shaking his head.

"Guess they're not talking about hot dogs," Kendall chuckled. He heard rumblings from around them about Carlos playing dirty and that he looked ridiculous, but he ignored them because he knew they were coming from a place of jealousy.

"Whoa!" James suddenly called out, losing his balance, and Carlos managed to pull him back just in time before they both went over the edge. They laid on the cement laughing, both of them panting as they grinned at each other with their feet still in the water. "You're crazy," James declared.

"You loved it," Carlos smiled. "At least with me you'll always have fun."

"And have great hot dogs, apparently."

"The best."

Realizing they had an audience, James sat up and smirked. "Looks like you're not making any friends."

"They're just jealous. But I'll let them have you for a little while, I guess." Carlos reached for his shoes and socks as he stood up, offering James a hand.

"Hell no," James uttered, choosing to raise himself. "I know better, you'll have me in the pool in two seconds."

"Already know me well." Turning away with a wink, Carlos called out, "Show's over, folks, nothing to see here!" He grinned as he headed toward Logan and Kendall, well aware that James' eyes were following him.

_Such a little guy but so much energy._ As he watched Carlos join two of the other contestants, James' eyes were drawn to the quiet one, who was laughing as he greeted Carlos. _So you do know how to smile._ Catching Logan's eye, James inclined his head in invitation, watching the smile freeze on Logan's face to be replaced with wide, almost scared eyes. He noticed Kendall lean in and whisper something to Logan, giving him a little push and then Logan was approaching, hands in pockets as everyone else moved back inside to leave them alone.

"How's it going?" James greeted him, taking a seat in one of the lounge chairs. "Having fun?"

"Not as much fun as you, apparently." Logan lowered himself next to James. "Carlos is pretty cool."

"He's definitely a lot of fun, yeah." James lifted a foot up to replace his sock. "You two hitting it off pretty well?"

"He's a nice guy. Someone I'll probably keep in touch with when I leave."

"Well, if nothing else, you have to try his hot dogs, right?"

"Exactly," Logan chuckled, and James was pleased to see him relaxing some. "According to Kendall they really are as good as he claims. You uh...met Kendall?"

"I did." Slipping his foot into a shoe, James continued with the other one. "Where are you from?"

"A suburb in Wisconsin. I run the library."

James couldn't fight the tiny laugh that escaped him. "That is so you."

"You don't even know me!"

"No, but I totally see you in a library. And I don't mean that as an insult."

"Well, I was going to be a doctor. Plans change."

"A doctor? But you're a librarian instead." Shoes in place, James leaned back in the chair to study Logan. "How does that happen?"

"It makes sense if you know the whole story."

"I'd like to hear it sometime." When Logan looked down, obviously uncomfortable, James frowned. "We don't have a lot of time to do this the proper way, you know. If we were actually dating, I wouldn't push this so hard. I can tell you don't like talking about yourself-which completely baffles me."

"Because you _do_ like talking about yourself?" Logan smirked, thinking of Kendall's words.

"That, and because I get the feeling there's a lot going on in that head of yours."

"Maybe," Logan shrugged. "Tell me about yourself."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. I hear you're a model, what's that like?"

"It's...wow. You're the first person to ask about me."

"What do you mean?"

"Like...everyone else has told me all about themselves, which is good because it helps me make a decision, but you're the first to be interested in me as a person. Or is it just that you're steering the conversation away from yourself?"

"A little of both," Logan admitted with a sheepish grin. "How long have you been a model?"

"Since I was sixteen. I was in a singing competition in high school and after it was over, some guy gave me a business card and said I should call him. I did, and the rest is history."

"So you sing, too?"

"I haven't for a long time, no. But I did win that competition."

"Ah, so you're good."

"It's been so long I wouldn't even know anymore."

"You like modeling better, I take it?"

"I love modeling. There's nothing like being up on a stage and having all eyes on you, adoring you and admiring how beautiful you are."

Logan shivered slightly. "No, thanks. I can't stand it when people watch me."

"I bet it happens a lot, though. You're hot in this really quiet kind of way. Oh, there I go, making you blush again," James joked, but it was true—Logan had turned red again. "I mean it! You've got a great smile, you should use it more often."

"So uh..." Clearing his throat, Logan squeezed his hands between his knees as if he didn't know what to do with them. "You've modeled for what...ten years or so?"

"Yeah. It's exciting, I get to fly all over the world."

"I'm the exact opposite, I never leave home."

"But you took a chance and came here. That's something."

"I did," Logan nodded, considering that. "I guess I'm not completely boring."

"I don't find you boring at all."

When Logan's dark eyes fully met his for the first time since their introduction, James' breath stopped. There was an intensity under the surface that James would not have predicted, and it shot straight to his core.

"Thank you, James. I get the feeling there's more to you than a pretty face walking the runway. I hope I get the chance to find out."

A voice rang out across the patio, breaking them out of the moment. "Hey guys, mind if I crash your party? Time's slipping away."

It was one of the contestants Logan hadn't spoken to yet, not that he'd spoken to many of them. He stood up quickly and shot James a smile. "I didn't mean to take up so much of your time, I'm sorry."

"It's fine." James stood up as well, somehow managing to welcome the other guy while at the same time letting Logan know he was sorry to see him go. "I enjoyed talking to you."

After giving a little wave Logan walked toward the house, hands once again sliding into his pockets as he stepped through the door. He wasn't sure how well that had gone, but something in James' eyes told him he might just be staying at least one more week.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later James re-entered the house, again smiling at everyone as all eyes were glued to his every move. He approached the loveseat as he had before, Kendall sighing on the inside when he realized what must be happening—James was going to give him the First Impression Rose.<p>

James surprised everyone, though, by stopping in front of Carlos. "Hey. Join me for a second?"

"Hell yeah!" Carlos stood up, letting James take his arm. He looked back once with his mouth gaping open, leaving Kendall and Logan chuckling.

"That's gotta be the rose," Logan commented when they were gone.

"I'd say so. Carlos really does make a great first impression."

"Does it bother you? I mean, I think everyone assumed it would go to you."

"No, it's fine. I'm not worried about going home, he's too big a fan. Once he spends time alone with me, that's when he'll realize I'm not the guy for him."

"Why are you so sure of that?" Logan asked. "Maybe _he's_ the guy for _you_."

"Not even. But I'll stay as long as I can."

"Why?"

"Why?"

"Why?" Logan repeated. "If you know you don't want him, why would you stay?"

Kendall shrugged. "Because things can change in a moment. You just don't know."

"So you're not completely closed to the idea."

"I'm not really sure what I want."

Logan nodded. "Well, you only have about six weeks to figure it out."

"How about you? Think I was wrong about James?"

"I...don't really know. I think there's a lot more to him than a pretty face."

"We'll see."

Carlos held onto James' arm with both hands as they walked toward the pool again. "You're not gonna throw me in, are you?"

James grinned. "If I did, would you still love me?"

"Probably. But I'd get my revenge, too. When you least expect it. You smile a lot around me. That's a good sign, James. It means you like me and I should stick around."

"Oh, think so?"

"Yep."

"Well...okay. You convinced me. Here." James reached down to pick up a rose that was lying on a table near the loveseat.

"Oh my god, really! I get the rose?"

"You do." James stepped back and fastened it to the front of Carlos' shirt. "You have made an incredible impression on me. Now don't let that go to your head-"

"Too late, dude! I'm on top of the world."

James shook his head as he giggled. "I don't know how you make me laugh so much. But this means you're safe tonight, and we will meet again next week. I expect a hot dog."

"Nope. You don't get the hot dog until our first date. Which means I have to get one."

"Now you're bribing me?"

"Whatever works."

"Carlos..." James licked his lips. "Never mind. I'm not allowed to say a lot, just know that I do plan to spend more time with you."

"Awesome! Make sure our date is in a city that sells hot dogs, though. Don't take me to some weird country where we have to eat in a tent. Oh wait, that might work. Can we go camping?"

James threw his head back as his body shook with laughter. "Go back in the house. You're killing me here."

"Okay, okay. No kiss?"

He leaned forward and planted one on Carlos' cheek. "There. Now you can tell everyone you got the first kiss."

"Not what I was going for, but I'll take it!" Carlos practically bounced back toward the house, calling back, "Don't forget! A city that sells hot dogs! And I expect a campfire, too!"

He left James once again shaking his head, wondering where this guy had come from and why he hadn't come into James' life sooner.

* * *

><p>Before they knew it they were being called together for the first official rose ceremony. All three of them shook hands and wished each other luck, sticking close as they moved with the herd to the large room where they were to hear their fate. The pile of red roses was intimidating as they walked by, most unable to take their eyes off them as they stood on the steps and awaited the man who would decide the next chapter in their lives.<p>

Nervous smiles greeted James from all directions as he was welcomed by the host, who took his leave soon after. After clearing his throat, James said, "First, I'd like to thank all of you for coming out here and taking a chance on me. I know it's scary, and it's kind of scary for me too; to be honest, this was a lot more than I bargained for when I signed on. But you're all great guys and no matter what happens from here on out, you'll find what you're looking for. Maybe with me, maybe with someone else. It was a pleasure meeting every one of you." James gave them a bright smile that did nothing to calm the nerves of those waiting for the final word, and then reached for the first rose.

To no one's surprise, Kendall's name was called first. He slipped between the two men in front of him, nodding as James asked, "Will you accept this rose?" After James pinned it to his shirt he quickly returned to the small crowd, trying to ignore the glares coming his way yet again.

As the next two names were called, Kendall sensed Logan's dread rising. He leaned forward and whispered, "You got this. You're amazing."

Logan reached back to squeeze Kendall's hand briefly, thanking him for the support, and sure enough, it was Logan who was called next. He let out a breath and stepped out of line, the relief palpable as he halted before James.

"Hi, Logan. Will you accept this rose?" James asked softly.

"I will. Thank you." He offered James a tiny smile, heart fluttering when it was returned. From his place off to the side, Carlos gave Logan a high-five when he walked by, causing a few around them to chuckle.

Three minutes later it was done. The three not chosen said quick goodbyes to everyone, leaving James alone with the contestants he'd deemed worthy of his attention for at least another week. Glasses of champagne were passed around, and once it quieted down James addressed them again. "Those of you who are left, it's because I see something in you that makes me want to see more. I know these next few months aren't going to be easy for a lot of you, and they won't be all that easy for me either, but I hope we can have some fun while we're here and remember what we all came for. To love," he said, raising his glass in a toast.

"To love," everyone chorused, Kendall and his new friends smiling at James' choice of words.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Lots to say here. Okay. First, thank you **Malachite** for pointing out errors I made in the previous chapter. Things do slip past me sometimes and I welcome you guys to call it to my attention so I can fix it right away. I tend to mix up names a lot when I write, no idea why. Also, the question of cell phones was brought up. I'm not exactly clear on the rules for these reality shows, but I think **Malachite** is correct in stating the contestants are not allowed to use them. I'm playing with that rule a little bit here, relaxing it to a certain degree. As I said before, I'm taking liberties. That's what's awesome about writing, you can do what you want. ;)

Second, I could not find a schedule listed anywhere that tells the order/frequency of the dates (both one-on-one and group), so I'm making my own up and trying to keep it in line with what I remember. It's probably not correct, but I tried. I'm just going with what works for the story.

Third, **Kurisss** brought up the point that this fic seems to have pieces of all my other ones scattered throughout. I laughed because I noticed that too, though I didn't do it intentionally. So if you notice things that I've used before, don't hold it against me. Think of it as a blast to the past (for those of you who've read my other stuff, of course).

Okay, and lastly. I love hearing your votes on who you want to win and why. Seriously, I love it! Don't assume, however, that it's going to go a certain way. It's much too soon to make that call, and I _still_ don't know who's going to end up winning (even after writing six chapters). Don't count anyone out yet! James is going to go through a roller coaster of emotions as this continues, and as Kendall says in this chapter, hearts will be broken. It's the nature of the game. I don't look forward to breaking anyone's heart, but the bottom line is there can be only one. What I can promise you is that in the end, everyone will find what they're looking for—one way or another.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

So I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Kendall and Logan were playing a game of chess on the patio when the first date card came. They'd been discussing how much they hated having cameras follow them 247 (there were even cameras in the bedrooms), as neither enjoyed being followed constantly; Kendall tended to be in the spotlight often because of his career, but this was a whole new level even for him.

Carlos ran up from inside the house where he'd been playing video games with a few of the other men. "Guys! It's here! Come on, it's here!"

The anticipation was palpable as they joined the group already crowded around the table in the living room, where an envelope sat daring them to open it. This was the first one-on-one date, the first opportunity for someone to spend time completely alone with James, and it would involve a day filled with whatever James chose for them as well as a romantic dinner to top it off. If all went well, the contestant would be given a rose at the end of the evening; if not, he would be going home.

"Come on, open it!" Carlos urged Peter, who was closest to the envelope.

"We all know it's gonna be for Kendall," Scott complained. "Why bother?"

"Dude, you don't know that." Carlos grabbed for it suddenly, staring around at them all before sliding a finger under the flap carefully. "I made a pretty good impression on James, don't forget."

Kendall smirked while Logan only shook his head; Carlos hadn't let anyone forget that for the past few days, and yet somehow he was still liked among the guys. Had Kendall made a comment like that, his ass would've been kicked by now—or someone would've tried, at the very least. It went to show that Carlos had that something special about him that was irresistible to anyone and if Kendall had to guess, he would vote Carlos as the name on that card.

Sliding out the paper inside, Carlos waited until all eyes were on him before reading aloud. "'Kendall. Let's-'" The chorus of groans drowned out Carlos' voice, and he glared at everyone until it was silent again. "'Kendall.'" He smiled at his green-eyed buddy, who was inwardly groaning himself. "'Let's have a ball on top of the world.' Huh. Wonder what that means?"

"Maybe he's taking you dancing," Peter mused. "The hockey player at a ball, that ought to be fun."

"Oh please God, no," Kendall moaned. "I don't dance."

"Those things are usually a play on words," Logan remarked. "I'm sure it's code for something, not an actual ball. Though I'd pay to see you dancing."

"Shut up." Kendall tried to smack Logan, but he ducked it with a grin.

"Come on, Kendall! Let's go get you ready for your date!" Carlos was pulling him up off the couch, Kendall reluctantly following.

"You're coming, too," he called back to Logan. "In this guy's hands I'll probably end up smelling like hot dogs."

"Hey, no mocking the dogs! Say what you want about me, but never mock my dogs."

Chuckling, Logan followed them up the stairs to their room.

"I don't even know what to wear for this thing!" Kendall whined.

"Let us worry about that." Carlos rubbed his hands together, flinging open the closet they shared with glee.

Logan sat on his bed and offered Kendall a smile. "He's way too excited about this."

"I know! You'd think it was _his_ date or something."

Carlos pulled out a purple shirt, then shook his head and returned it to the closet. "Oh, don't worry, it will be soon enough."

"Carlos, weren't you the guy who thought he had no chance against all of us?" Logan wondered.

"Yeah, but that was before I met him. He likes me. _A lot_. So I'm not even worried about it. Mom always says if it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, move on to the next thing. Oh, how about this shirt? I bet you look good in blue."

Kendall sighed, giving in. He had no idea what to expect on this date tonight, and even less what he wanted the outcome to be.

* * *

><p>When James stepped through the door with a big smile for everyone, Kendall's heart stopped for a moment. Truly, how could anyone be so beautiful? He hated that, hated that it came to James so easily while most guys had to work hard to look even half as good as James did.<p>

Every hair was perfectly in place yet somehow still maintained a sexy, wind-blown look. He wore black jeans that managed to give him a classy appearance, which was accented by the dark blazer he wore over a gray button-up. The only thing that seemed at all casual was the pair of clunky leather boots on his feet, and Kendall hated him most for those because James had somehow found his one weakness-a guy in heavy boots did _things_ to him.

He stood up, a bit nervous now as James turned away from one of the other contestants to smile at him. "Hey. Wow, you look great."

"Uh...really?" Kendall asked. "Thanks." Not knowing what sort of date it would be, Carlos had chosen a deep blue button-up for him but Logan had made sure to include a t-shirt underneath in case there was anything adventurous planned. He'd wanted jeans but both Carlos and Logan shot down that idea. "What if he takes me rock climbing?" Kendall had argued. Logan's response had been to toss him a backpack. "There. Take a pair of jeans and sneakers. Now quit arguing with everything we say and let Carlos do your hair."

Carlos hadn't done all that much differently, thank God, but looking at James now Kendall wished they'd worked a miracle to make him worthy of such beauty at his side. Sure, James said he looked great, but James was supposed to say things like that. "So where are we going?"

"I'm not telling you that." James waved at the group clustered around them and stepped outside, Kendall turning back to give panicked eyes to his buddies. Logan patted him on the shoulder, Carlos mouthed "Have fun" at him, and then he was alone with James-or as alone as he could get with a camera crew following their every move.

"You afraid of heights?" James asked, reaching back for Kendall's hand.

Kendall allowed it, more out of nerves than anything else, and shook his head. "Not as far as I know. I might change my mind if we're going to be suspended over a pit of alligators."

"No," James laughed, squeezing Kendall's hand in reassurance. "Not today, anyway. Just a quick ride in the air."

They turned a corner of the house and Kendall's eyes widened. The rotors of a helicopter started turning, making speech impossible as they ran toward it and hopped in. James passed Kendall a headset, instructing him to put it on, and after belting in they were being lifted into the air.

Kendall let out a gasp, instinctively grabbing James' hand.

"First time?" James asked, trying not to laugh.

"Yes. Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not! I think it's cute."

Kendall turned a glare on him and James laughed outright.

"I've been on planes before, just not helicopters."

"Helicopters are cool, dude. It's like being in a plane, only you're in this little bubble. Not much separating you from the sky."

"Really, James? That's supposed to make me feel better?"

"Relax," James chuckled, squeezing Kendall's hand tighter before loosening his grip. "Just look around. Look down at L.A., how beautiful is. At night it'll be even better."

Kendall took a deep breath and managed to follow James' suggestion, distracted from his fluttery stomach immediately. James was wrong, this was nothing like being on a plane. They were closer to the ground and everything was so clear. He felt like they were floating, or maybe flying on a magic carpet, as he recognized landmarks from the few years he'd lived in Los Angeles.

"Look, there's the observatory! And the Hollywood sign!"

"See? Cool, right? Look over here."

Kendall did, leaning across James for a better view. He took in a few more familiar sights before feeling a hand on his back. He said nothing but his heart was pounding hard by the time it started sliding up toward his hair. Turning his face, Kendall was startled to find James' so close, James' lips inches from his own.

"I really want to kiss you," James breathed, fingers tightening in Kendall's hair.

After a long moment, Kendall sat up and back. "I told you. I don't kiss on the first date."

"Technically this is our second."

Kendall tried to ignore the fingers still in his hair and how amazing they felt moving against his scalp. "Technically, that wasn't a date and there were a ton of other guys around."

"You're gonna be a tough one to crack, aren't you?"

Kendall shrugged, staring out his side of the helicopter. James made him more nervous than the helicopter had, and he wasn't sure he liked that.

"I know I came on strong the first night, freaking out, but I was so surprised. I didn't expect you and honestly, you're one of my favorite players. Imagine meeting one of your idols when you least expected it. Wouldn't you have freaked out?"

"It's not that."

"It's not?"

Kendall sighed, wishing James would just shut up for five minutes to let him gain control over his emotions. It didn't help that the fingers were still moving, making Kendall want to lay his head on James' shoulder and kiss him until they couldn't breathe. "Can we just enjoy this and not talk about kissing for a while?"

"Fine. But I'm not giving up. Just give me a chance, okay?"

Kendall knew James had to be confused. He'd come here to win the heart of the Bachelor but instead was pushing him away. How could Kendall explain it was James himself that was the problem? His lifestyle, his persona, his apparent habit of sleeping around? Kendall just couldn't wrap his head around that, nor could he shake the feeling James was going to break everyone's heart by the time this was over. "I am. This is weird for me. I-hey look, it's the Staples Center! Are you taking me to work, James?" he teased.

"_Former_ workplace," James corrected. "L.A. misses you, by the way. You should work out a trade and come back."

"I miss L.A. too, didn't have much say in that trade. My G.M. said he hated to lose me, but he got three defensive players the team sorely needed. So of course now they're a bitch to beat." As the helicopter started dipping toward the Center, Kendall's eyes narrowed. "I was joking. Are you really taking me to a hockey game?"

"No, the Kings aren't playing tonight. But there are other teams who play here, you know."

Kendall saw purple and gold everywhere among the crowds moving toward the stadium and felt a tiny bit better, but not much. A Lakers game wouldn't be as bad as a Kings game would've been, but he still might run into people he knew. "Did we really have to use the helicopter to get to the other side of town?"

"No, but it was fun, wasn't it? Admit it, you enjoyed it."

Surprisingly, Kendall had. He was looking forward to the next ride to take them home. "Maybe a little."

"You loved it," James grinned as the helicopter touched down on the roof. "Come on." After removing their headsets, James grabbed Kendall's hand and they jumped out to rush to the roof entrance, Kendall leaving his backpack in the chopper.

Of course once they got downstairs there was a camera crew waiting, but Kendall tried to ignore that.

"I'm letting you choose. Box or floor seats?"

The question caught Kendall off guard. Floor seats were definitely more fun, but that would mean they'd be visible to the world. Weren't they supposed to be keeping this discreet? Kendall knew some of his former teammates would probably be in attendance as well, and the idea of them thinking he'd date a man like James Diamond made him cringe. "Um...box?"

"Whatever you want."

Thirty minutes later they were ensconced in a luxury box, watching the basketball game from above as they were plied with drinks and fancy foods. It wasn't anything Kendall hadn't done before, but it felt different this time, probably because he had a gorgeous man at his side.

James was a blast to watch a game with. He knew the players, he knew the plays, and he hollered the way Kendall did when he disagreed with a call from the ref. When a shot was made they cheered and high-fived, and cussed up a storm when the opposing team had the nerve to score. In between periods they discussed what they might've done differently and some of the more amazing plays they'd witnessed, downing beers until Kendall had almost forgotten that he was on a date with a man he was trying to discourage but not so much that he wasn't given a rose; it was a fine line.

The Lakers won. The mood was buoyant as they left the box, James holding Kendall's hand to lead him back up to the roof.

"So you had fun?" James asked after the headsets were back on and the chopper was in the air.

"So much fun! Makes me wish I still lived in L.A."

"You could, you know. I could make that happen."

The atmosphere changed in a heartbeat, Kendall glancing over to find James' eyes full of something like hope. "James..."

"I mean, I'm not allowed to tell you what I'm feeling, can't give any real clues, but I _can_ tell you I've never met anyone like you. I haven't figured out yet why you're so closed off, but I need you to give me a chance."

Looking out his side of the helicopter, Kendall sighed. James wasn't making this easy. "Even if you chose me in the end, I wouldn't just magically give up my career, or my team. And you're always traveling anyway, we'd hardly see each other."

"Don't assume things about me."

"How is that an assumption? Your career requires you to travel the world."

"You don't know my plans for the future."

"Oh, so what? You're giving up modeling?"

"I never said that, and would it kill you to look at me when I'm speaking to you?"

_Yes. It just might._ Kendall shifted in the seat enough to give James his attention. "I'm sorry."

"Am I right in assuming you came on the show to fall in love?"

After a hesitation, Kendall bit his lip and nodded, unable to meet James' eyes.

"So the problem is _me_. Which makes no sense, because what have I ever done to you? Have we met before and I forgot? Maybe a long time ago? Oh shit, did I fuck you and leave you?"

Kendall wasn't sure whether to laugh or be offended. "No. We've never met before yesterday."

"Okay, so what's the problem?"

"It's...me. Okay? It's me."

"Then let me fix you. And if it has to do with things you might've read about me, don't believe that shit. None of it's true."

"Oh, so you don't sleep around all the time?"

"No, I totally do that."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall returned to staring down at the mass of lights below them.

"But people change, Kendall. Don't assume you know what I'm feeling or what I want. And most importantly, let me sweep you off your feet."

James' hand slid over to cover Kendall's, fingers intertwining with his. Kendall wasn't sure he liked what it was doing to his heart.

"Please. Let me in."

The whispered words sent shivers down his spine, leaving Kendall breathless. Had James tried to kiss him in that moment, he wouldn't have been able to resist. Instead the sudden dipping of the helicopter distracted them both, Kendall letting out a cry of surprise and squeezing James' hand tight.

"Hope you like stars, because we're eating under them."

The chopper was setting them down near the Griffith Observatory, high on top of a mountain overlooking the city. They stepped out in front of the camera crew, which was of course in place and waiting, then headed into the building.

"This way," James said, pulling Kendall along past the exhibits.

"Where is everybody?"

"It's closed tonight. For us. If you want to after dinner we can check this stuff out, but let's eat first. I'm starving."

Kendall was, too. They'd munched on finger foods at the game, but he was ravenous for an actual meal and prayed it wasn't something he'd hate.

James opened the door to the balcony area, leading Kendall to a table set up amidst flowers of every color and elegantly twinkling lights strung around the place. There were of course candles burning, glorious white ones that stood out brightly in the shadows.

Stopping to simply stare, Kendall breathed, "James. Wow."

"You like it?" James beamed. "Come here. Sit down." He pulled a chair out for Kendall, motioning for him to sink into it.

Kendall did slowly, feeling numb. This was the sort of thing he'd dreamed of but never shared with anyone, fearing he would be mistaken as "girly," but he was a sucker for romance. How was it possible that this man could be a perfect buddy to watch a game with and then shift effortlessly into a romantic date? "Did you do all this or was it the show?"

"Well, the show provided it all." James took a seat across from Kendall and picked up the bottle of wine that was chilling. "But I outlined what I wanted. I hope it's not too uh...you know."

When James blushed, Kendall's heart melted against his will. "Girly?"

"Well...yeah. Is it?"

Even if James' face hadn't looked as if his entire fate rested on the answer (which, in a weird way Kendall supposed it kind of did), Kendall would have reached out for his hand. He rubbed his thumb over the back of James' left hand and said, "It's perfect." And he meant it.

A smile of such boyish charm spread across James's face that Kendall was taken aback as James asked, "Wine?"

"Yes. Thank you." He lifted his glass for James, thinking that this was a side of James Diamond the world never got to see. Had Carlos and Logan been right? Was there more to him than Kendall had assumed? "Tell me about yourself."

"I'm a model. I love to watch hockey in my spare time."

"I knew that. Ever play?"

"Never. I'd be a disaster on skates." After pouring his own glass of wine, James set the bottle down and leaned back, gesturing toward someone behind Kendall. In seconds there were salads before them. "Have you played all your life?"

"Pretty much, yeah. My mom signed me up when I was five and I never stopped. Why don't you play?"

"I wasn't into sports much after junior high. I played basketball for a while, and baseball, too. Then I started getting into drama, did a lot of acting and singing."

"Seriously? How'd you end up modeling?"

"Look at this face. Any other career would be a waste of it."

Kendall spluttered a laugh, grabbing a napkin to wipe his mouth. "You really are as cocky as you seem."

"It's not cocky when it's the truth. Why act modest when we all know I'm right? If you've got the tools, use them. Your tools are for hockey. Mine are to look pretty."

"But modeling is about more than your face, right? You have to have the confidence to pull it off, the ability to present an image."

"Have you met me, Kendall? I've got what it takes, which is why I'm so successful with it."

"You don't ever think there's something else you'd rather do? Something that might be more fun?"

"Modeling _is_ fun for me. It's a lot of pressure, and a lot of work to keep myself looking as good as I do, but once I step out on that runway it's all worth it. And let's not forget the magazine shoots I get to do, the commercials, and all the parties I'm invited to, all the free clothes I get. Why _wouldn't_ anyone want that?"

"Don't you ever just want to be normal?"

James sat back in his seat, setting his fork down. "I don't know that I've ever been normal. From the time I was a kid, people were calling me a fag. I'd date girls and it never made a difference. I was made fun of for the singing, for the musicals I was in, and if I hadn't been talented at sports I would've been laughed off those teams. But I don't see any of that as a problem. It just guided me where I belonged, which is where I am now."

"And you're completely happy with your life."

"Completely."

After setting down his empty wine glass, which James promptly refilled, Kendall asked, "Then why in the world would you go on a show like 'The Bachelor'? Something must be missing."

James didn't answer right away. When he did, it was in a confidential manner. He leaned forward and said quietly, "Would you believe I'm lonely?"

"Even though you sleep with a million guys?"

"And girls. But yes. I didn't realize I was until recently. My stylist got me thinking about my life, made me look around at it and notice what was missing. I kind of hate her for that, but here I am."

Kendall was a bit stunned. James had gone through the exact same thing he had, suddenly taking a look at his life and seeing that there was something missing. "You were too busy to really notice before, right?"

"Exactly. I _kept_ myself busy. And I love sex, okay? I'm not gonna lie. I get it whenever I can, and when it's offered to me as much as it is, hell yeah I'm gonna take it. But I'm always careful and I do have standards."

"And you're ready to just give that up? Because we're all looking for someone who's faithful. I haven't talked to most of the guys in the house, but I'm pretty sure that's a common standard for us."

James chewed his lip, waiting until their salad plates were replaced with prime rib dinners that had Kendall salivating. Finally James replied, "Lana—she's my stylist, and also my best friend—she says I haven't met the right man yet, that once I do I won't want anybody else. I'm looking for that, because I'm not sure it exists. If it does, though?" he said softly. "Then yeah. That's what I want."

_Jesus Christ, do not make me fall in love with you._ Without intending to, Kendall slid his hand across the table and lifted James' to his lips. "It's out there, James. I don't know if it's me you're meant to be with, but it's out there. If you open yourself up to it, you'll find it." The look in James' eyes made him want to fly out of his chair and pull James into a gentle kiss, show him that there was more to physical contact that lust.

"Please let me kiss you tonight," James whispered. "Just one before I let you go again."

His heart dragged him closer to James, but his mind forced him to sit back in the chair and let go of James' hand. "Eat," he urged softly. "We've still got some time."

Disappointment cropped up in James' gaze but he returned to his dinner, and there was a long silence between them while both tried to get a handle on their emotions. The food helped, giving them something to focus on, and when Kendall's eyes spied the rose on a nearby table that he'd missed before, he wasn't worried about it; he knew James would ask him to stay. What he didn't know was whether or not he'd say yes.

_Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not going anywhere._ Carlos and Logan needed him, and he couldn't fool himself into believing that he didn't want to be around James anymore. Every second that passed it was harder and harder to keep his eyes off the man before him, so beautiful and so much deeper than he'd wanted to imagine.

"You don't seem to be hurting in any way. What sort of injury did you suffer?"

The question surprised Kendall, seemingly coming out of nowhere. "My knee. It still hurts sometimes if I walk on it too much, but mostly it's fine. I didn't need surgery or anything, thank God."

"So on our next date I'll have to make sure we don't do a lot of climbing or running. Got it."

Kendall ignored the hint, but his heart fluttered at the idea of being alone with James again.

"So where do you live? In San Jose?"

"For now, yes. I'm originally from Minnesota."

"Is that where your family is?"

"Yeah. My mom and sister. I don't talk to my dad. Long story I'm not getting into."

"That's fine. I don't talk to mine, either."

"Problems with the gay thing?"

"No, he's just an asshole. Mom's supportive, though. A total bitch when she wants to be, but very supportive and loves me very much. I just hope she doesn't scare you away when the time comes."

"Oh? Planning to keep me around to the last round, James?"

James blinked, obviously not aware he'd let that slip. "You never know, right? You might end up one of the last two. If you don't leave on your own first."

"Or if you don't send me home first. As you meet more of these guys, you might find someone you like better, someone you can really fall in love with. There are a few great ones."

"Like Carlos and Logan?" James smiled. "I can tell you get along with them well. They seem like good guys."

"They are. Don't get so fixated on one person that you ignore the rest."

"Trust me, I won't. I don't have any idea what to expect over the next few weeks. I came into this thinking it would be a piece of cake. Now I'm starting to get that it's going to be extremely hard to make these decisions as time goes on. I don't want to hurt anybody."

"It's going to happen. I hate to say that, but hearts will be broken. Just...don't be cruel to anyone, okay? Remember that we all have feelings."

"Why do you think I'm such a monster, Kendall? Because I sleep around?"

"I don't think you're a monster."

"Your opinion of me isn't that great. I wish you'd forget everything you think you know about me and just let me show you that I'm worthy of your attention."

"I do think you're worthy. I just-"

"Then quit fighting me. I know you want to kiss me, I can see it in your eyes. Let it happen, Kendall. Please. We don't have a lot of time here, even if I wanted to just say fuck everyone else and run away with you I couldn't. Our time together is short." James reached over and picked up the rose, holding it out to Kendall. "And I'm not ready to give up on you yet. Will you accept this rose? Please?"

Kendall had every intention of accepting it, but at the moment he couldn't even find words. No one had ever looked at him the way James was, with such devotion and hope and it left him speechless.

"Wait. Kiss me before you answer. Just kiss me first, and if you really don't feel anything, I'll let you go. But do that for me. Please."

"I don't need to kiss you," Kendall said softly. He stood up next to the table, pulling James up with him. "Yes. I'll take it."

James' fingers shook slightly as he fastened it, and once it was in place James tilted Kendall's chin up. Kendall's heart was crashing in his chest when their lips met, and it wasn't aggressive or sleazy at all, it was a sweet, passionate kiss that made him lift his hands up to slide into James' hair to deepen it. His tongue found its way into James' mouth, James letting out a little moan and opening himself to it, and when they finally pulled apart neither could breathe properly. James wrapped his arms around Kendall and hugged him close, the relief evident. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Don't thank me. Just don't make me regret this."

"I won't. I swear."

"You can't promise things. You're going to fall for them, for so many of them. It's not going to be easy, James."

"None of them are you."

"But some of them are more than me."

"But right now I'm with you. Were you finished with your dinner?"

Dinner? What was dinner? Mentally returning to their surroundings, Kendall replied, "Uh...yeah. Was there more planned?"

"Did you want to see the exhibits?"

"Whatever you want."

"I _want_ to just keep kissing you."

Kendall chuckled and stepped back, reaching for James' hand. "Let's walk around."

Their conversation was lighter as they wandered the observatory, neither of them huge astronomy fans but finding it fascinating anyway. They also spent time simply staring out over the city, Kendall reiterating how much he missed Los Angeles and that it had become home to him when he lived there before. James managed to sneak in a few kisses, which Kendall returned, but the more they kissed the less they wanted to stop, until finally Kendall said, "We should go. It's getting late and you have a big date tomorrow."

"Right. The group date. That's definitely going to tire me out."

"Anything exciting planned?"

"I can't tell you. But it'll be fun."

"All those guys fighting to get your attention? Yeah, you'll love it."

"It's not all of them. Only six."

"Still. You'll love it."

"Yeah, I will," James grinned. "I wish you could come, though. I don't even know when I'll have you alone again. That's what sucks about this."

"I'll be around. You can steal me away from the crowd for a few minutes, sneak a few kisses in."

"Definitely on my list of things to do." James leaned in to kiss Kendall just before they stepped into the helicopter again, belting in and then they were on the way back to the mansion.

Two minutes in, James attacked Kendall's lips, Kendall kissing him back eagerly as they both knew their time was limited. Kendall kept wanting to pull James onto his lap but couldn't due to the seat belts and the confined space, and it frustrated him to know that within minutes James would be out of his reach, for weeks possibly. How would he handle watching James date other guys and know he was kissing them, know he was probably falling in love with them? All of the drama-filled moments he'd witnessed while watching the show in the past came back to him and suddenly made sense; it was no wonder the girls cried and raged at each other, Kendall would be tempted to punch anyone who touched James after tonight.

_What was I thinking, coming into something like this? This is what Mom was talking about—I'm going to get my heart broken. Damn you, James Diamond, why couldn't you be the horrible person I thought you were?_

Once the helicopter touched down Kendall pulled back, but James grabbed him and dragged him in again. "Not done with you yet."

They kissed for another five minutes, Kendall getting more heated until he shoved James away, knowing if he didn't now he wasn't going to. "Go. You have to go."

James took a deep, calming breath and stepped out of the helicopter, walking Kendall to the door of the mansion in silence but holding his hand tight. "Thank you," he said when they stopped. "That's probably the best date I've ever been on."

Kendall nodded in agreement. "I'll never forget it, that's for sure." There was so much he wanted to say suddenly-apologies for his initial prejudice, gratitude for the wonderful time they'd had together, and that part of him he wasn't willing to acknowledge that was screaming at him to beg James for another date. Instead he simply said, "Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight."

When James leaned forward for one last kiss, Kendall met it softly, and it was like their first kiss had been—passionate, but almost hesitant in its sweetness. It was over too soon, and Kendall opened the door with one last glance over his shoulder. James waved, and then the door was closed.

* * *

><p>The living room went dead silent when Kendall walked in. He was met with hard stares from almost everyone, and as his emotions were already so jumbled and uncertain it was the last thing he wanted to deal with. Turning toward the stairs that led up to their rooms, Kendall's momentum stopped at Carlos' voice ringing out to him.<p>

"Kendall! We're gonna check out that jacuzzi, come join us!"

He twisted around to find Carlos near the patio door, Logan standing nearby and silently inviting Kendall over with his eyes.

Hefting the backpack higher on his shoulder, Kendall walked through the living room with his back straight and head high, not acknowledging the silent faces watching him. Carlos slid an arm over his shoulder while Logan closed the patio door behind them, and when Kendall noted a few guys in the pool he almost turned back but Logan gripped his elbow and steered him over to the jacuzzi, where he dropped his pack on a table.

Carlos stripped out of his shirt, having already changed into swim trunks, and Logan did the same. Kendall kicked off his shoes and slowly pulled off his pants, leaving himself in boxers and the button-down while the other two slid into the jacuzzi, making noises of contentment.

"Come on, dude, join us. It's amazing in here."

A smile stretched Kendall's lips. It was strange how a few words from Carlos seemed to make everything alright, or at the very least a little better. He shrugged out of both shirts, got rid of his socks, and then was sliding down into the water between them, the waterfall from the neighboring pool loud enough so that they could talk quietly without being overheard.

"Hey," he said to them, finally feeling himself start to relax.

"Long night?" Logan asked in an attempt to get Kendall talking.

"It was...not at all what I expected."

Carlos nodded. "So you like him."

"That's...yeah. I guess I do."

"You know that's okay, right?" When Kendall didn't answer, Logan continued. "You're _supposed_ to like him. That's why we all came here. I can tell you feel guilty about it, and that's ridiculous."

"I don't feel guilty," Kendall sighed. "I just didn't expect to feel this way."

"Uh oh. Someone's falling in love," Carlos sang lightly.

Kendall was quiet again, so Logan asked, "Where did he take you?"

"To a Lakers game. And then we had dinner at the observatory."

Two gaping mouths met those words.

"You got to go to a basketball game?" Carlos whined.

"He took you to see the stars?" Logan said at the same time.

Kendall chuckled. "Yeah, both things were pretty cool."

"Damn. I wonder where my date's gonna be."

"I wonder if I'll even get a date before he sends me home."

"Logan," Kendall began, "you're gonna get a date. And Carlos, I'm sure your date will be amazing, too."

"Did you kiss him?" Carlos asked. Kendall's eyes cut away, and Carlos answered the question for him. "You did. Wow. Is he a good kisser?"

Logan jumped in. "Carlos, what kind of question is that?"

"It's a valid question, Logan. Some hot guys aren't great kissers."

"I wouldn't know."

"You've kissed hot guys before, haven't you?"

"I don't know that you'd call him hot."

"Him? Has there only been one, Logan?"

Kendall rejoined the conversation. "You didn't tell him anything, Logan?"

"I was married," Logan responded, for Carlos' benefit.

"To a girl?"

"Yes, Carlos. To a girl."

"Wow. What happened?"

"She passed away. I decided that if I was going to try again, it might as well be with a man because that's what I'm truly attracted to."

"So you've never been with a man?"

"No."

"Oh damn. Make sure you tell James that on your date, I bet he'd love to break you in."

"Why do you have to make it about sex?"

"Carlos has a point, Logan," Kendall offered. "A lot of guys like being your first one. Then again, some guys don't because it can be really awkward."

"I'm not sure that's helping me feel better, Kendall."

Shrugging, Kendall said, "I was just making a point. And how did you two spend an entire evening together and not talk about yourselves? I figured by now you two would know everything about each other."

"Well, we spent most of the evening defending you," Logan answered with a rueful smile.

"I was right the first night, Kendall. Those guys are assholes."

"Not all of them," Logan corrected. "But yeah. Most of them. They think it's unfair that you're here."

Kendall sighed again. "I understand why they feel that way, but it's not my fault. I didn't know it was going to be him, and I certainly didn't know about his hockey fetish."

"Still," Logan reasoned, "you do have an unfair advantage. He was already enamored with you before you even opened your mouth. It makes things harder for everyone else." At Kendall's surprised look, he added, "I'm not saying I resent you for it. But I get why they're upset."

"They need to get over it," Carlos argued. "Yeah, maybe James liked him right away because of who he is, but that can fade. Once he gets over the excitement of meeting his idol, Kendall will be just another guy like the rest of us and then James will fall in love with someone else."

Kendall kept his face neutral as Carlos spoke, but the words trampled on his heart to leave him feeling suffocated. It was the same thing he'd said to James, basically, what he'd in fact encouraged James to do, but it wasn't what he wanted anymore; Kendall wanted James to love him, and suddenly he understood that the next five weeks were going to be pure hell.

"Carlos, you don't have to be rude about it."

"How is that rude, Logan? It's the truth."

"It's obvious Kendall really cares about James, there's no need to make him feel like he doesn't have a chance."

"I never said he doesn't have a chance."

"You might as well have."

"I'm just saying-"

"Guys, it's fine!" Kendall interrupted, holding up a dripping hand. "I know what Carlos means. And he's right. Tonight was great, but now James is going to spend time with everyone else and find the one he's supposed to be with. It's best he got me out of the way first."

Logan studied Kendall as if searching for clues, Kendall again feeling like he was being analyzed like a lab rat. He lifted himself up out of the jacuzzi and onto the tiled edge. "I'm going to bed. Don't stay up too late, guys, I think the date card comes around nine tomorrow. You get a whole day with him."

"If we get picked," Carlos reminded him. "He only gets six of us tomorrow."

"You'll get picked," Kendall assured Carlos. "Best first impression, right?"

"True." With a grin Carlos splashed water toward Logan. "Lighten up, maybe you'll get picked, too."

Logan splashed water back in Carlos' direction, annoyed. "I'm not worried about it."

"So you don't care if you get picked or not?"

"Of course I care. I'm just not going to worry about it. If it's meant to be, it will be. Isn't that what your mom says?"

Carlos smiled. "You're right! But I still think you're worried about it."

"I'm not worried, Carlos."

"Goodnight, guys." Kendall stood up, reaching for a towel from a nearby pile.

"Wait," Carlos called out. "You didn't tell us about your date."

"Yes, I did. Basketball and the stars. It was a ball on top of the world, just like the card said."

"But...you kissed?"

Kendall expected Logan to tell Carlos to back off at any second, and would have welcomed it. Instead Logan stared up at Kendall, waiting in silence for an answer even though it was obvious he felt it wasn't their business.

"Yes," Kendall finally responded. He picked up his clothes from the table where he'd dropped them.

"A lot?" Carlos pressed.

"A few times," Kendall conceded. He lifted the backpack over his shoulder and grabbed his shoes.

"How many times is a few times?"

Avoiding Carlos' question, Kendall said, "Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight, Kendall," Logan answered.

Grateful that Logan wasn't prodding him, Kendall gave him a tiny smile and walked into the house, once again ignoring the silence that fell as he made his way to the stairs.

"They kissed a lot," Carlos commented when Kendall was gone.

"I think so."

"Something changed. He doesn't hate James anymore."

"No, he seems a bit overwhelmed."

"Did you notice he was wearing the rose?"

"Of course. He wouldn't even be here if he wasn't. Did you really think he wasn't going to get it?"

Carlos shrugged. "If he was rude enough to James, he might've been sent home. Part of me thought that would happen."

"I never thought he wouldn't be offered the rose, but I wasn't sure he'd take it. I guess there's a side to James we haven't seen yet, if he can win Kendall over."

Nodding slowly, Carlos remarked, "We've got some serious competition, dude."

Logan didn't respond, but he knew the contest had just gotten a lot more difficult.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

A few things. First, Chris is mention in this chapter. He's the host-type guy of the show, just so you know, kind of the go-between to the Bachelor and the contestants.

And I've never been skiing in my life. I tried to make the ski thing plausible, but if I failed I'm sorry. **kathrynew30** was able to answer a few of my questions, but I really don't have the first clue about what it's like to go skiing. It's kind of vague for that reason. I have, however, built snowmen. XD

I love hearing your votes on who you want to win and why. Seriously, I love it! Don't assume, however, that it's going to go a certain way. It's much too soon to make that call, and I _still_ don't know who's going to end up winning (even after writing six chapters). Don't count anyone out yet! James is going to go through a roller coaster of emotions as this continues, and as Kendall says in this chapter, hearts will be broken. It's the nature of the game. I don't look forward to breaking anyone's heart, but the bottom line is there can be only one. What I can promise you is that in the end, everyone will find what they're looking for—one way or another.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Once everyone had gathered in the living room the following morning, Kendall opened the envelope. "'Race me to the bottom for a chance to win my heart. Jerry...Peter...Mike...Carlos...'" Kendall stopped to wait for the victory cry he knew was coming, and once it was over he continued with a grin. "'Scott...and Logan.'" Glancing up, Kendall caught Logan's shoulders dropping as the tension was released.<p>

"Race me?" Peter mused. "Are we doing a NASCAR date?"

"It wouldn't be the first time," Logan commented. "They did that in one season I saw, got to drive the cars and everything."

Carlos' face lit up. "That would be so cool! I've always wanted to do that."

Mike tossed out, "What about the bottom thing, though?"

"Maybe it's an innuendo," Scott leered. "He likes to bottom."

Logan rolled his eyes before pulling Carlos off the couch. "Come on, let's go get ready." They were halfway up the stairs, the other guys rushing past them now, when Logan halted. "Kendall, you coming? We might need you."

With a grin Kendall followed them into their room, grateful he hadn't been excluded now that he was the front-runner. Of course he'd always been that, he supposed, but at this point if James had to choose he knew he'd win. All of that could change today.

"You seem better," Logan remarked as Kendall glanced through Logan's shirts, looking for one that would accent his eyes. "A good night's sleep helped?"

"I guess. I bet you look hot in red. Get over here."

A knock on the door had them all looking up in surprise. Carlos opened it and Peter gushed, "Chris just called. He said to be ready in an hour and dress warm."

"Cool! Thanks!"

Logan frowned once the door was closed. "Dress warm? But it's supposed to be seventy-five today. Unless..." He met Carlos' eyes, both of them grinning.

"Snow date!" Carlos yelled. "It has to be!"

"I love the snow! Okay, Kendall, I have a red sweater in there. Let's do this."

Kendall couldn't help feeling a bit of jealousy, but he shared their excitement as they prepared for the date, making sure each of them looked good enough to eat while Logan made sure they had everything they might need. Kendall reminded them that it was important to also ensure they spent time with James today. "There will be those who want to hog him. Don't let that happen, be sure to get your moments with him, too. And if you can't, because Scott seems like the sort to cause drama, make sure you talk with James tomorrow night at the cocktail party."

"You're so lucky, Kendall," Carlos marveled. "You already know you're safe. And do you realize that because we were both picked for the group date, that means neither of us gets the one-on-one tomorrow?"

Logan nodded. "Yeah. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Each time you get a one-on-one, there's a chance he'll send you home."

"There's that chance anyway, Logan," Kendall reasoned. "If you get a one-on-one, you have a better chance of connecting with him. You _want_ the one-on-one."

"I know. Okay, we should head downstairs to wait, it's almost ten."

"Wait." Kendall pulled Carlos into a tight hug, then Logan. "For luck. You guys are gonna be great, and he's gonna love you."

They smiled at him, both surprised, before Carlos said, "To love."

"To love," Logan and Kendall repeated, and then they went down to meet their fate.

* * *

><p>Kendall wasn't sure what to expect when James walked through the door. He knew James wasn't allowed to show him any favor or to give any clue about his feelings in front of the other men, but he hoped to at least be acknowledged. Thinking this might be the last time he was the treasured one in James' eyes, Kendall needed that much-some kind of reassurance that the night before hadn't been a dream.<p>

Meeting everyone's eyes with a bright grin, James' gaze lingered on Kendall's for a few seconds before moving on, and Kendall released an inner breath. It was still there. That of course didn't mean anything, he hadn't spent time with anyone else yet. It helped, though.

"You guys all ready?" James asked, and the six moved out with him, James holding the door for them as they filed past. Before he slipped through the door he glanced back at Kendall again. "Hey," he said softly.

"Hi. Have fun. Be nice to my boys."

James grinned. "I'll be a perfect gentleman." He waved at the remaining guys in the room, and then was gone.

Feeling the atmosphere turn sour once the door was closed and all eyes were on him, Kendall headed out to the pool area and donned his headphones; he'd expected this, and planned to spend the day getting some sun and talking to no one.

* * *

><p>Kendall had been correct—Jerry and Mike immediately made room for James in the limo between them, James settling into place with a smile, and then they proceeded to keep him engaged in conversation. Scott and Peter attempted to join in a few times, and succeeded briefly before James was again distracted by Jerry and Mike. Across the limo from James, Logan and Carlos talked quietly amongst themselves and commented on the passing scenery. Logan kept expecting Carlos to insert himself in the conversation, forcing James to pay attention to him, but Carlos seemed distracted as well.<p>

"What's wrong?" Logan asked in a whisper.

"Nothing."

"Talk to me."

"I think we're going skiing."

"Probably."

"That's bad."

"Why?"

"Because I've never done that before. I'm gonna look like an idiot."

James interrupted them. "Hey hey hey, no whispering over there. I get paranoid and think you're talking about me," he joked. "Does my hair look okay?"

Everyone laughed, the atmosphere warming slightly. "You're beautiful," Carlos answered with a smile, eyes twinkling. "But I think you knew that."

"I've heard it a few times, yes," James responded with a smirk, gaze riveted to Carlos.

The flirtatious vibe was so strong Logan felt as if he should leave for a moment, but of course that was impossible. How was he supposed to compete with that? The other guys were still smiling but it looked forced, and though Logan knew how they felt, he refused to let them tear Carlos down the way they did Kendall.

"Where are we headed?" he asked, trying to defuse the tension.

"It's a surprise," James beamed, gaze swinging over to Logan.

"Aww, no hints?" Jerry pleaded.

"Not a one. Logan, how about you break out that champagne in the compartment next to you? I don't care that it's not even noon, we're here to have fun."

That was met with approval from all sides, and Logan passed around glasses while Carlos popped the cork and poured for everyone. After that the conversation involved the entire group, and Logan had to admire the way James continued that, pulling him and Carlos into the conversation when they started to sink into their little bubble again.

Eventually they started climbing into the mountains and Carlos dropped out of the conversation again. Logan knew better than to hold Carlos' hand, which is probably what Kendall would've done and what he was tempted to do, but he did manage to squeeze Carlos' leg surreptitiously. "It's gonna be fine," he whispered. "I won't leave you alone."

Carlos merely nodded.

"You're not scared, are you?"

"Not of skiing, but of looking like an idiot. He won't want me then."

"Then he doesn't deserve you."

The smile Carlos responded with had Logan's own lips curving up, and James once again commented on their whispering.

"Sorry," Logan apologized. "It's not about you, I promise."

James turned the flirty tone on him. "Maybe it should be."

Logan's breath stopped when James looked at him like that, eyes promising something that Logan could only dream of as his body responded to the words. He swallowed and looked away, unused to such open flirtation, and then the moment was gone as Scott spied the ski lift rising up the mountain. "Are we going skiing?"

James grinned. "We are. Hope you guys can keep up, because I'm pretty damn fast." He looked at Carlos in challenge, waiting for him to make a comeback because it was a Carlos thing to do, and when Carlos remained silent he frowned.

"I've never been skiing," Carlos confessed. "But I can make a great snowman!"

"Oh, that's no big deal. I'll teach you. And then we'll have a snowman contest, because mine happen to be the best."

"Oh, it's on," Carlos laughed, and immediately he was better.

After they stepped out of the limo, Logan squeezed Carlos' shoulder. "See? It'll be fine. He's going to teach you. Now you get extra attention from him."

"Yeah, that worked out well, huh?" Carlos bounded ahead to catch up with James, who already had an arm over Mike's shoulders but welcomed Carlos in with the other.

"And just like that, Carlos steals the date," Peter whined.

"It's not his fault he's never been skiing."

"Yeah, but now James is gonna be all over him, making sure he's okay. Don't act like it doesn't bother you, Logan. Just because he's your buddy, that doesn't mean you can't be jealous of him."

"If he and James are meant to be together, I'll live with it. No reason to hate Carlos for it."

"I don't hate him, but come on. It's obvious James is attracted to him."

"I thought Kendall was the one you were all so worried about."

"We don't know what happened last night. Did Kendall spill anything?"

"He said James was nothing like he expected," was all Logan was willing to share.

"What does that mean?"

"It means it went well, basically."

"And you're not jealous of that?" Scott interrupted, having been eavesdropping.

"Of course I'm jealous. Just like I'm a little jealous that Carlos is probably going to get the rose today. But again—I don't hate him for it, and if they're meant to be...you know? We knew coming into this the competition would be fierce."

"Do you even _want_ to win this, Logan?" Scott asked. "You hardly talk to him, act like you don't care either way. That gives him the wrong idea, you know."

"I'm not worried about it. There's either a connection or there's not. I'll get at least a little time alone with him today, and we'll see how it goes."

The other two looked at each other and shook their heads, unable to understand how Logan could be so calm about it.

Inside, though, he wasn't calm. He was nervous because every time James looked at him his heart flipped over and his stomach fluttered. He didn't know if it was because James was gorgeous or because he was supposed to feel that way about the Bachelor, or if it was because there _was_ a connection. He hoped it was the latter.

As they'd predicted, James gave an inordinate amount of time to Carlos, showing him everything he needed to know and taking him through the motions, even skiing along next to him until he was confident enough to do it on his own. The remaining guys hit the slopes, bitter that Carlos was hogging James for himself. Logan helped where he could, offering to take over for James after an hour. James' kindness toward Carlos impressed Logan, as did his ability to keep Carlos laughing.

"Why don't we do this together?" James suggested after Logan made the offer. "Since the others abandoned us."

Logan wasn't sure how Carlos would feel about that, but when Carlos smiled and waved him over, Logan joined them. The three took easy slopes, Carlos catching on quickly, and after an hour of that James offered them an apologetic smile.

"I should probably go find the other guys, soothe some ruffled feathers."

"It's fine, go," Logan nodded. "I think that's a good idea or it will be hell for Carlos in the house tonight."

"Meet back at the main cabin in an hour?"

"We'll be there," Carlos grinned. "Don't go breaking your leg or anything, I have plans for you."

James chuckled and squeezed his shoulder before heading toward the tougher slopes, one of the camera men informing him where to the find the other guys.

"So. I'd say you did well today, Carlos."

"I didn't mean to steal him from everyone."

"I know."

"I'm not complaining, though," Carlos winked. "And you were here, too, so that was cool."

"Not if you were hoping for time alone with him."

"Are you kidding? You've seen how the group dates work. I'm lucky to only share him with one other person. And a cool person, at that."

Logan's face split into a smile. "Really? You think I'm cool?"

"Hell yeah. I wouldn't have given you my phone number if I didn't think that, dork."

"True. But how can I be both a dork and cool at the same time?"

"You're a cool dork. It happens."

Logan chuckled, leading Carlos back to the slope. "Come on, let's ski some more while we can. I miss it."

"You don't do this a lot at home?"

"No, not since...well, there wasn't a lot of time after I married Jane. We were both pretty busy."

"You still miss her a lot, don't you?"

"Every day. But I know she'd want me to do this. She wouldn't care if..." Hesitating, Logan finally gave in. "You know what? Can we go get some hot chocolate or something? I want to talk to you."

"Sure! My legs are killing me anyway."

They returned to the main cabin early, settling in at the small cafe inside and warming up with hot drinks.

"What's up?"

"I don't know why I feel the need to keep it a secret, it's going to come out anyway and it needs to, it's a big deal. But I um...I have a daughter."

Carlos' mouth opened slowly. "You're a dad?"

Logan nodded. "She's five and I want to find a good father for her. I don't know enough about James to judge that yet, but I'm afraid he's going to run away when he learns that."

"Hmm. He might. And I'm not saying that to discourage you or anything, I swear! I just don't know that he's looking for a family yet."

"Exactly. And I don't really know how to bring it up, either. I mean, what do you say? 'Don't get attached to me, because I have a kid and you'll probably send me home five minutes after learning that.'"

"Nah, I don't think he'll do that. He likes you, dude. But honestly? I don't think you'll win, either. He doesn't seem to be a family kind of guy."

"Right." Logan sat back, letting out a long breath. "I feel like I should just go home now."

"No, don't do that. We don't know for sure what he wants. Maybe he'll surprise us. Or maybe he's not even the kind of guy you'd _want_ as a dad for your kid, you know?" When Logan shrugged, Carlos asked, "Is that why you're afraid to get close to him? Because you're so sure it's not gonna work out?"

"I don't know, maybe. It's also because he makes me nervous."

"Why? Because he's hot?"

"Partly, yes. The way he looks at me...nobody's ever looked at me like that before."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. He's kind of intense, you know?"

"Definitely. And you've got this ability to shoot it right back at him, get him laughing. Kendall...I don't know, I haven't seen Kendall around him. But I think Kendall handles it well. I don't."

"Just relax, Logan. He's a normal guy." Logan lifted an eyebrow in argument, prompting Carlos to correct himself. "Okay, so he's not normal. But he's not a god or anything. He's just a guy looking for love."

"I guess."

"What's her name?"

"Huh? Oh. Caroline." Logan smiled as the word left his lips.

"I bet you miss her."

"I'm going crazy. They let me talk to her for five minutes each night, and they monitor it and stuff to make sure I'm not saying anything I shouldn't. Last night she asked when I'm coming home and I swear, I almost walked out. I don't know if I can do this for five more weeks, Carlos."

"Just think of the long run. If it works out, you'll have a great father for her and a husband for yourself. Or at least a boyfriend."

"I want the whole package. I don't want a fling, I don't want a boyfriend, I want someone who's willing to accept us as a family and devote his life to us the way we will to him. I want a husband."

"Then...I don't know. I'm sorry, I just don't know if James is looking for that."

"I know," Logan said again, looking down at his coffee. "Which is why I think I should just leave."

"How about you give him a chance first? See if he's even open to the idea before running away?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Carlos gulped down some hot cocoa, hesitating before asking, "Kendall knows, doesn't he? You told Kendall about Caroline."

"Strangely, I did. I told him about her within two minutes of talking to him. I don't know how he makes me so comfortable."

"Kendall's just that kind of guy. You trust him automatically, you know? If it doesn't work out with James, there's always Kendall."

"Except that James will probably pick Kendall."

"Oh. Yeah. Well then...there's always me and my five dogs," Carlos joked. "I bet she'd love my babies."

"Oh, I'm sure she would." Logan ignored the rest of that statement and what Carlos was hinting at. As much as he liked Carlos, one guy was enough to worry about right now. "She loves animals. Watches Animal Planet constantly. She wants a tiger. And a llama. Oh, and a koala. Did I mention the lemurs, too?" He chuckled fondly. "She dreams big."

"That's the best way to dream, buddy."

Logan met Carlos' smile with his own, glad he had at least a friend for life in him.

* * *

><p>The Bachelor group was given their own cabin to gather in for a few hours, with food brought in and a large, warm fireplace that everyone crowded around. The mood was better since James had spent time with the other guys, and talk was light as they all ate while settled into cozy couches.<p>

"I see you made good on your promise of a campfire," Carlos teased. "But I still demand a tent."

"We've got weeks, don't lose faith in me yet," James responded.

"Time's running out, buddy. I'd better get a date next week."

Logan stepped on Carlos' foot, letting him know he needed to back off. James only smiled.

"I've so got this," Carlos whispered to Logan, feeling James' eyes on him.

"Cocky bastard," Logan whispered back. "Pass the coffee, I want more."

After the food was done James took turns with each of the men, leading them into a separate room overlooking the city below. When Carlos entered, he gasped. "It's snowing!"

"It is. I bet you're used to that in New York, though."

"Yeah, but that's in the city. This is different, we're up in the mountains. It's so pretty!"

James stepped up behind Carlos at the window, sliding his arms around Carlos' waist. "Gorgeous."

"I know you're talking about me, you don't have to pretend now that we're alone." James laughed, and Carlos added, "And you can give me a real kiss now, too. I know you want to."

"Do you believe the shit that comes out of your mouth, or is it all bravado?"

"Mostly bravado," Carlos conceded. "I'm just kind of hoping it's true."

"Only kind of?" James spun Carlos around, keeping his hands at Carlos' waist. "Because the kissing thing...that's true."

"Oh. Well then." Suddenly nervous, Carlos bit his lip and silently begged James to make the first move, because he was frozen.

"Come here," James chuckled softly, dipping his head down to press his lips to Carlos'.

Carlos tried not to think about the fact that James had kissed Kendall the night before and was probably kissing every man he brought in here. He focused on the way James' mouth opened to his, tasted James' tongue as it dove into his own mouth and James' hands tightened over his hips, pulling him closer. It was definitely the best kiss he'd ever experienced, and when he pulled back it was with wide eyes. "Wow."

"Wow?" James giggled. "I get a 'wow'?"

"You get a 'wow.' Because...wow."

"Better than an 'Ew, gross' I guess."

"Much better."

"So now that we kissed, can we talk about other things for a while?"

"Um...can we talk about kissing some more?"

"Possibly."

"Okay, then, let's go for it."

James laughed and sat down in an overstuffed chair, pulling Carlos sideways onto his lap. "Tell me about yourself. More than just the hot dogs, I want to know about your daily life."

"Well, the hot dogs _are_ my life. As well as my dogs."

"Actual dogs?"

"Yes," Carlos chuckled. "I have five of them. Want to see?"

"Five? Wow, that's a lot of fur. Show me."

Carlos slid out his wallet, scooting around on James' lap to reach it, and they smirked at each other when the movement caused an obvious reaction for James.

"Oh, should I do that some more?" Carlos teased.

"I'm not gonna stop you."

They both laughed, Carlos opening his wallet to show off the pictures. "Okay. These are my babies." He named them all, pointing out each one as he went.

"How did you get all of them to pose like that at the same time?"

"It wasn't easy. Chachi, the tiny one? He kept trying to run off after a squirrel. But we snapped the picture just in time before he took off."

"Wait...Chachi, Richie...what were the other names?"

"Chachi, Richie, Potsie, Fonzie, and-."

"Ralph. As in Ralph Malph."

"Exactly!" Carlos beamed. "Wow, usually only older people get that."

"My babysitter watched the show all the time when I was a kid. I had a crush on Joanie."

"Yeah? Don't tell anyone, but I always wanted to be Fonzie."

"Aww, that's kind of cute," James smiled, cuddling Carlos closer. "You're just kind of cute in general."

"But sexy too, right?"

"Oh, yes," James answered, sobering immediately. "Definitely sexy. If you weren't, I wouldn't be hard right now from you sitting on my lap."

Carlos leaned in for another kiss, James meeting it for a bit before pulling back. "Wait! You're distracting me again! I wanted to hear about your life."

"Oh. Right. Well, I have the dogs. And the hot dogs. And I'm pretty close with my family."

"They all live in New York?"

"Yeah, my brother helps with the business. Which takes up most of my time. My mom's tired of me overworking myself and going home to dogs instead of a husband."

"She pushed you into this?"

"Not really pushed, but...she wouldn't shut up about it," Carlos laughed. "I finally just gave in."

James stared into Carlos' eyes before asking, "Glad you did?"

"Yeah," Carlos replied softly. "You're amazing."

James seemed to melt, but after one more quick kiss he gently pushed Carlos off and stood up. "Sadly, I have others to attend to today. Are we still on for that snowman contest?"

"Of course. You're going down, Diamond."

"Oh, we'll see about that." He hugged Carlos tight before walking him out of the smaller room and into the main one, where he asked Jerry to join him.

When they were gone, Logan studied Carlos. "That went well. I can see it on your face."

"This is the face of a man who's falling in love. God, he's so perfect. He even knows 'Happy Days'!"

"The show?"

"Yes! Ugh, this sucks! Why does he have to be so perfect?"

"Right?" Scott sighed. "I didn't expect to fall so hard this fast. It's gonna suck if I get sent home."

Logan was last to be alone with James, and he wasn't sure how to take that. Did it mean James wasn't interested? Maybe didn't know what to say to him? When James addressed Logan from across the room, Logan stood up nervously and smiled. James spun around and left the room, Carlos squeezing Logan's hand before he followed.

James was seated in a large, comfy chair, of course looking beautiful and intimidating. He gestured toward the loveseat next to him and Logan sat, clasping his hands together.

"Thanks for your help with Carlos today."

"No, thank _you_," Logan replied. "He was so scared you wouldn't like him because he'd never been on skis before. You were very kind to him, and it made his week. You didn't have to be."

James smiled. "Well, Carlos is easy to be kind to. You two seem pretty close."

"Yeah, out of everyone he and Kendall are the ones I'm closest to."

Something flashed in James' eyes when Logan mentioned Kendall's name, and as he'd been watching for exactly that, it told Logan a lot. "Kendall's a great guy."

"He is." James paused, then said, "But I didn't bring you in here to talk about everyone else. I'd like to hear more about you, if that's okay."

"Of course. What do you want to know?"

"See, that's just it. Everyone else volunteers things. You make me work for it."

"I'm sorry," Logan blushed. "I'm typically a private person, so this entire experience is foreign to me."

"I can imagine. Being in the spotlight takes getting used to."

"I had the feeling it's always come naturally to you. The plays in high school, that singing competition..."

"True, I've never shied away from it."

"It can't be easy, being in the media all the time. Are there a lot of lies printed about you?"

James smirked. "Is that your polite way of asking if I sleep around?"

Logan blushed yet again. "I didn't mean—I was just-"

"It's okay, Logan, jeez." With a chuckle James moved from his chair to the loveseat, Logan scooting over to make room for him, but then James wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him closer. "Loosen up, I was teasing you. Why are you so afraid of me?"

James smelled amazing. It was the only coherent thought swimming through his brain. He finally managed, "I'm not afraid."

"Then what is it? I told you, I don't bite. Am I horrible in some way? Is it because you think I do sleep around?"

"No, it's...well, wait. Do you?"

"Honestly?" James let go, scooting away some. "I did. Yes. For a lot of years."

"Oh. And now?"

"Now...I don't really know what I want. I've always been that way, I don't know any different."

"Oh," Logan repeated.

"I can't change my past, Logan. I can only promise to do better in the future."

"I wouldn't ask that of you. You have to do what makes you happy, and if being with a lot of men does, then that's what you should do."

James cocked his head, eyes narrowing. "You haven't dated much, have you?"

"Me? Uh...no. Not a whole lot. I was married, though."

That shocked him. Stunned, James finally asked, "For how long?"

"A few years. We didn't divorce, it just...well. She died."

Blinking and uncertain, James remained silent.

"It's okay. I don't like to talk about it, but you have to know these things to make an informed decision. I was married to a woman and I was very much in love."

"Logan, I'm...so sorry." James pulled one of Logan's hand between both of his own. "I can't even imagine what that must've been like. Was it sudden?"

"Yes. It was three years ago and it's been tough, but I'm ready now to try again. This time with a man, because even when I was married to her I was still attracted to men and I'm pretty sure that's where I belong."

"That's...a lot to live up to."

Logan nodded, feeling his heart crack. He'd tried so hard to keep it from opening, known from the start it was too much to ask of a man like James Diamond, and once James heard about Caroline there would be little-to-no chance. "I know it is. And if you need to send me home, I completely understand. I'm not what you had in mind when you came on this show, I'm sure."

"No, you're not. I won't lie about that. But one thing my best friend urged me to do was to keep an open mind, to not rule out any possibilities before giving them a chance. I keep feeling like you're going to leave, Logan, and I really don't want you to. There's something about you that I can't explain but it keeps me wanting to know more. Trust me. Don't assume things about me or that I don't want the same things you want. The truth is I'm not sure what I want, so I'm open to a lot. Give me a chance to prove myself worthy of you?"

James was asking _him_ for a chance? Logan nodded, licking his lips nervously. "Of course. But if you decide I'm not what you're looking for, do me the courtesy of sending me home instead of keeping me around. Please."

"If that does happen, I will. I promise."

"Thank you."

They stared at each other for a while longer, James holding Logan's hand in his, until James sighed and stood up. "We still have a lot to do before we leave. I never got to race you, either. Up for the challenge?"

"I think I can manage to kick your ass."

"Oh, really?" James laughed, surprised. "Bring it."

It wasn't until they were back in the main room that James let go of his hand, giving it a brief squeeze before loosening his grip. "Okay guys, we're heading back out to the slopes for a while. I need to kick Logan's ass."

"In your dreams, buddy," Logan smirked, moving to stand near Carlos.

"Oh, this is gonna be good!" Carlos exclaimed. "I bet Logan's fast on skis!"

"But I'm faster," James argued as if that was it, end of story.

"It's true," Mike commented. "James is really fast."

Logan made a scoffing noise. "Let's do this."

An hour later Logan was declared the winner after taking three of the five races. "You weren't kidding," he said to James at the bottom of the slope. "You really are fast."

"Yes, but you're apparently faster. Guess you're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

Though the words caused Logan's stomach to drop, he smiled. He knew he needed to tell James about Caroline and felt guilty because he hadn't yet, but he was terrified James would send him home. Part of him wanted that, needed it because he missed her so much and if James wasn't going to choose him, then the sooner he got back the better. It hadn't felt right, though, in that room where their time was limited. He swore then and there that if James gave him a one-on-one date, he would own up and tell James everything; the man deserved that, and if he was conflicted now, it was best to let him eliminate Logan as a possibility to better focus on his remaining options.

As they trekked over to a large open space of snowy ground, Carlos asked quietly, "Did you tell him?"

"About Jane, yes. Not about Caroline. I'll do that next time we're alone."

"How did he react?"

"He was shocked."

"But he seems to like you. I think you have a chance."

"For now, maybe. I'm trying not to get my hopes up."

"True. Because he really likes me a lot."

Logan cracked up. "Why is it you say things like that and I don't hate you for it?"

"Because you love me! Nobody could hate this face, right? That's what Kendall said."

"It's not the face, Carlos. It's what comes out of it."

"But the face is great too, right?"

"Yes, Carlos," Logan soothed. "The face is great."

"Carlos!" James called back. "Get over here, it's time for me to kick _your_ ass now!"

"But you didn't kick Logan's!"

"Shut up, we're never speaking of that again. Logan, you're on my team! Everybody pair up, we're going to build snowmen and then vote on whose is best."

"What does the winner get?" Jerry asked.

"A kiss from me. For both members of the team."

That was met with approval, until Scott questioned, "What if _you_ win?"

"Then Logan gets a kiss."

"Wait, there are seven of us," Logan reasoned. "How does that work?"

"Oh, good point. Mike, you're with me and Logan."

"Hell yeah," Mike called out, moving closer to James.

"How come I can't be with you and Logan?" Carlos complained.

"Because I'm kicking your ass, you little shit. Someone needs to take you down. And they say _I_ have a big ego," he teased. When Carlos pouted, James pulled him in and kissed him on the cheek. "There. Now find a partner and see if you can put your money where your mouth is."

"It's your mouth I'm concerned with. It's gonna be mine when this is over."

"All talk, no action, Carlos! Get to work."

Logan watched the two of them banter, finding it adorable but wishing he could be so relaxed with James. It came easy to most of these guys, the ability to be themselves and open up. Why was he so afraid to do the same?

_Caroline. Because of Caroline. I'm looking for a father and I don't think James is ready for that and he should just send me home now. This is torture. I'm a horrible father for leaving her._

"Hey."

James was suddenly at his side, a gloved hand taking his. He smiled at James, who asked, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Let's build a snowman."

"That's what I'm talking about. Get over here, gorgeous."

Logan's cheeks heated up, but he was grinning as they joined Mike in their chosen spot.

There was much laughter and ribbing for the next hour as everyone worked, packing snow into large spheres and then scouring the area for random tools to use as accessories. Carlos topped his and Peter's with his beanie, Jerry stuck his gloves on twigs shooting out from either side of his and Scott's, and James whipped off his scarf to wrap around theirs.

"No fair!" Carlos called out. "Yours is fashionable."

"Damn right, it is. Gotta leave my mark on it. Okay, are we all done?"

Everyone stood back, taking in the sight of three haphazard snowmen in the clearing.

"Those are horrible," Mike laughed.

"They really are," Logan giggled. "Who decides the winner?'

"Well, we can't really vote," James reasoned. "Since I'm sure every man here wants to win my lips."

No one argued, though Logan's stomach tightened at the idea. What would it be like to kiss James?

"I know." James yelled at a large group of kids passing by on their way to the cabin. "Hey! You guys want to judge our contest? Come vote and tell us who has the best snowman!"

The few adults in the group herded them over, and Logan realized it was a troop of Girl Scouts. He smiled thinking of Caroline, who had already decided she wanted to be a Brownie the following year.

"Stand by the one you like the best," a woman instructed them, and after studying the monstrosities for a while, they moved into place.

"My lucky scarf wins again," James murmured, Logan glancing up from next to him.

"Lucky scarf? Really?"

"Yes. I wore that today hoping for one thing I really wanted."

"Did you get it?"

"Not yet, but I'm about to." Moving away, James announced the snowman he'd built with Logan and Mike the winner. "Thank you, ladies. Your help is appreciated, and you have great taste."

As they trudged back to the cabin, Mike pulled James to the back of the group. Logan could hear them laughing and tried to resist caring, but finally he glanced back over his shoulder in time to witness the kiss and all it did was make him more nervous. Had James been serious about kissing both of them?

"Dude," Carlos whispered.

"What?"

"Did he kiss you in there?"

"Where?" Logan responded. "In the cabin?"

"Yeah. I heard Jerry say James kissed him, and Scott said he got one, too."

"Did you?" Logan asked.

"Of course."

Logan nodded. He'd watched the show enough to know this was how it worked, the Bachelor had to get what he could from each of them to "test it out" but he couldn't help a surge of jealousy along with a feeling of inadequacy.

"So you got kissed, too, right?" Carlos pressed.

"Why are you so concerned with kissing?"

"Because! A kiss says a lot. You know when you kiss someone if it's gonna work or not."

"Really? From one kiss? I disagree. Being a great kisser does not guarantee you'll be a great husband."

"Still, you can tell a lot about your compatibility and whether or not there's any spark."

Knowing that Carlos was dying to spill, Logan asked, "And was there a spark?'

"It was pretty awesome."

Nodding again, Logan stopped to wait for Carlos to enter the cabin before following. He'd figured Carlos and James would hit it off, and from Kendall's reaction the previous night he suspected their kiss (or kisses, rather) had gone well, too. There was definitely more than one, and by the way Kendall didn't want to talk about it, Logan also suspected there had been more than a few.

"So how was it for you guys?"

Not really wanting to admit there had been no kiss, Logan shrugged.

"No spark, huh? Dude, I'm sorry. He seems to like you, though. Just promise me if you get sent home, we'll still keep in touch."

"That's a promise I can keep," Logan answered, sliding an arm over Carlos' shoulders and squeezing.

"So when do we get the rose?" Carlos whispered. It had been sitting on a table before the fireplace earlier and they'd all had to stare at it while they ate and chatted with James. Looking over now, they saw it was missing.

"Logan. Can I borrow you?"

Carlos blinked in surprise, Logan simply nodding at James. Apparently he was going to get that kiss after all, and his mouth went dry as he slipped into the smaller room.

James was standing by the huge picture window, staring out. "Come closer, I'm not-"

"Gonna bite," Logan finished, chuckling. "I know." He stepped up next to James, resting his hands on the sill and hoping his heartbeat wasn't as loud as it sounded inside his head.

"Unless you want me to," James teased. "There is that."

Logan bowed his head as he laughed, grateful to James for trying to put him at ease. "Thank you for bringing me along today. I know there were a lot of guys to choose from, and I'm glad you gave me a chance."

"I'm glad I did, too. I enjoyed talking to you earlier and had a lot of fun racing you down the mountain." He slipped his hand into a pocket and pulled out the rose, Logan's eyes following the movement and widening. James turned to face Logan, holding it up. "I'd like you to have this."

"Me? But Carlos-"

"Carlos knows I want him to stay. You seem to need a little convincing, because I don't think you understand or believe that I want you here. So take this, please, and believe me when I say it. I'd like you to stay."

Heart beating faster, Logan nodded and stepped closer to allow James to fasten the rose to his shirt.

"Thank you, Logan," James said softly. He lowered his hands, letting them slide down Logan's arms and taking Logan's hands briefly in his own before letting go.

The moment grew awkward between them, neither knowing what to say but Logan unsure if he should leave before James dismissed him. He forced his brain to work, latching onto something to say. "So we'll see you tomorrow night, right? After your date tomorrow?'

"Yes. There'll be a little cocktail party before the rose ceremony. I'll make sure to check in with you even though you're safe at this point."

"Make sure you check in with Carlos, too. Once he finds out I got the rose, he's going to start worrying."

"He's so adorable," James commented, then realized it was rude to state that in front of another contestant. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine," Logan grinned. "It's Carlos. He is adorable."

James laughed, nodding his head. "He really is."

"He's a great guy, too. He'd make you happy."

"There you go trying to set me up with someone else again. First Kendall, now Carlos? Are you sure you even want to win this thing?"

The question was put to him in a half-joking manner, but Logan didn't know how to respond. He did, but there was so much more to it than simply winning a contest. The future of his child was at stake here, and any move he made could be the wrong one for her. "If it's meant to be, it'll be," Logan finally responded, falling back on the old motto as he gazed up into James' eyes.

"I guess we'll just have to see, then, won't we?"

"I guess so."

After a moment Logan looked away, the intensity too much to bear. "Thank you for the rose." He managed a smile for James before starting out of the room, only to be stopped when he heard his name.

"Logan. I still owe you a kiss."

Logan's breath caught. He hadn't forgotten, but assumed James had. He spun back around, nervous again. The last person to kiss him had been Jane. "It's been a long time. I'm a little rusty."

"There's been no one since your wife?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I just...haven't found anyone I really wanted to kiss."

"Ah. And uh...has that changed?"

"If you're asking if I'd like to kiss you...the answer is yes."

James seemed to relax a bit, offering Logan a small smile. "I won't bite."

"Unless I want you to."

The smile widened, James holding out a hand. Logan stepped forward and took it, their fingers intertwining as James pulled him closer. "I was starting to think you'd never let me do this."

"We've been alone all of two times, James. How far did you expect to get by now?"

"As far as I can?" When Logan rolled his eyes, James laughed. "Had to pull out the big guns."

"What, a snowman contest to rope me into it?"

"That was Carlos' idea, but it wasn't that. It was the scarf. I always get what I want when I wear this scarf."

"And what you wanted was to kiss me?"

"Among other things." James dipped his face down, not giving Logan time to think enough to be nervous, and cupped the back of Logan's head to keep him there as their lips met.

Logan's breath caught, his mouth opening a tiny bit. James' tongue teased at his lips until they parted, Logan's hands coming up to rest on James' shoulders as he granted access. It might've been because it had been three years, or it might've been because it was a man he was kissing rather than a woman, but Logan found he couldn't get enough. It was as if he was waking from a long sleep, his body remembering what it was like to be touched and teased, screaming at him for making it suffer so long without this. James' tongue went deeper, Logan's mouth opening wider, and James' fingers tightened in his hair in a way that brought a gasp out of him.

The kiss tapered off slowly, James stepping back and letting his hands drop, and Logan realized this was his only chance. He felt it in his gut, knew that James wouldn't want to be a father at this stage of his life, and maybe not ever. The next step would be a one-on-one date, where Logan was going to ruin it by telling James everything, and never again would be have this gorgeous man in his arms and staring at him with such desire. For once in his life not thinking and simply acting on his needs, Logan tightened his grip on James' shoulders and pulled him down again, crashing their lips together until James opened his mouth and returned the kiss eagerly (if a bit surprised), backing Logan up against the loveseat. Logan settled onto the back of it, James stepping between his legs to get closer while Logan met the advance, gasping when they rubbed against each other.

"Jesus," James whispered, doing it again before the kissing recommenced, and Logan's legs came up to wrap around James, pulling him even closer. When James' hips started moving Logan groaned softly, desperate to keep the friction going while his tongue dove harder into James' mouth, and he probably would've let James do anything at that point except James stepped back suddenly, breaking Logan's grip on both his waist and his shoulders. He stared at Logan with wide eyes as if he'd never seen him before. "Fuck," he breathed, panting slightly.

"Sorry," Logan mumbled, unable to meet his eyes. "I...it's been a long time."

"Yeah. We uh...we need to go."

"Right."

James took a moment to adjust himself, running a hand through his hair to regain his composure, and then he walked out of the room without a backward glance.

_Wow. I ruined it before we even got to the part about Caroline. _ Logan took a deep breath and let it out, forcing himself to calm down before joining the rest of the group in the next room. James was laughing with a few of the other guys as if the moment between them had never happened, and when Carlos waved Logan over he pretended for a second he didn't see it, needing a little time to process it all.

He ignored Carlos' persistent whispers in the limo, only acknowledging it when Carlos commented on the rose pinned to his shirt. Logan had almost forgotten that, and reached up to make sure it was really there. He might've ruined his chances by acting like an animal (because James certainly hadn't given him even once glance since leaving the room), but at least he was safe for one more week.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I decided on 25 contestants rather than 30. In case anyone's counting (besides Kendall haha).

This chapter completes what would be the second week of the show, if it was being aired. After this we move on to the next "week" and new dates, new prospects for James and the boys. We all know who the favorite is at this point, but as James spends more time with other guys, anything is possible. The hardest part, I think, of watching the show (and of reading a story like this) is that the Bachelor is not allowed to give too many clues as to what he's feeling. Granted, we all know James is crazy over Kendall, but that doesn't mean he isn't feeling other things as well; Kendall is the most obvious because James can't hide his feelings when it comes to Kendall.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>A thought occurred to Logan as he and the guys entered the mansion. He'd been quiet most of the way home, hardly talking to even Carlos, and as his eyes roamed the room for Kendall he wondered if maybe Kendall's reluctance to talk about his own date stemmed from the same place Logan's did-maybe it hadn't gone so well after all.<p>

But Kendall was still here, that said something. _He got a rose. Then again, so did I. Before things went bad. _

Deciding Kendall must be off by himself near or in the pool, Logan headed toward the patio, Carlos on his heels.

"Guys!"

Heads swinging to the right, they found Kendall in the middle of a card game with a contestant named Ryan that Logan had hardly spoken to. It surprised Logan, who thought he and Carlos were the only friends Kendall had made in the house.

"Ryan, what's up?"

"Not much, Carlos," Ryan smiled. "We were just killing time until you guys all got back. I'd say we're done here, Kendall?"

"Definitely. But I won that round."

"Quit dreaming." To Carlos, Ryan said, "Where's Mike?"

"I think I saw him headed for the bathroom."

"Got it."

Logan watched Ryan exit the dining room, an unfamiliar feeling creeping up in his belly. "I thought they all hated you, Kendall."

"So did I. Ryan found me and apologized for everyone, said it was unfair to be rude just because James likes me and that if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. He's right. Surprised me."

"Ryan's cool," Carlos agreed. "We were playing C.O.D. for a while yesterday, he's really good."

"Yeah, he kicked my ass at cards, too. I'd say if there's anyone we have to watch out for, it's Ryan. He's the whole package. A nice guy who's super hot."

The feeling grew and Logan frowned. Why was he jealous that Kendall found someone else attractive? It didn't bother him that Kendall admired Carlos. Maybe it was because Ryan was an outsider of their little group?

_All these emotions just need to stop. This is hell._ Logan wasn't used to feeling so much.

"You realize you just described yourself and Logan, right?" Carlos smirked. "A nice guy and super hot?"

"Don't sell yourself short, Carlos," Kendall grinned. "I can't wait for a beach date with you. A brief flash while you're changing at night isn't nearly enough."

Still reeling over the fact that someone had referred to him as "super hot," Logan almost missed a sight he didn't think he'd ever see-Carlos blushing. He laughed, and that made Carlos blush harder. "If you could see your face right now..."

"Shut up." Carlos punched Logan's arm, Logan rubbing it as he continued to giggle. "Get me a beer."

"Grab me one, too?" Kendall begged. "Please?"

"At least _you_ say 'please.'" He picked up three from the kitchen, then returned to join Kendall and Carlos, who had taken a seat at the table. After passing them each a bottle, Logan took the chair across from Carlos with Kendall between them at the head of the table.

"Okay, so talk. How'd it go?"

Logan sobered. Carlos answered, "Great for me. But Logan still got the rose."

"I see that."

Logan reached up to remove it, setting it on the table in front of him. "And then things went downhill."

"What happened, dude? He won't talk about it," Carlos said to Kendall.

"He doesn't have to. It's between each of us and James, and if Logan's not comfortable talking about it, don't push him."

"Thank you, Kendall. I'm just...embarrassed." Logan spun the bottle between his fingers, eyes on the table.

Carlos sighed. "But why? What happened? You did get that kiss, right?"

Logan nodded, explaining to Kendall about the snowman contest and that he and Mike had won.

"It went badly?" Kendall pressed, but in a gentle manner.

"It was pretty good until I attacked him. I don't know what happened, I guess it's been too long. I just...lost it."

Carlos' jaw dropped. "Wait, it wasn't that there was no spark? You turned into an animal?"

"Uh...basically. Yeah." Cheeks flaming, Logan gulped down half his beer.

"Damn," Carlos remarked in admiration. "I didn't know you had it in you."

When Kendall remained quiet, Logan asked, "So what do you think? Did I ruin it?"

Kendall shrugged. "Hard to know. How did he react?"

Logan remembered the feel of James' hands insistent on his hips, the way James had backed him up to the couch and pulled him closer. "I...it's...I don't know. He pushed me away."

"Wow, dude. That sounds bad," Carlos sympathized.

"What about before that?" Kendall's voice was quiet.

"Before what? The kiss?"

"Before he pushed you away, Logan. He didn't push you away immediately, did he?"

Logan's eyes narrowed. Kendall sounded as if he was speaking from experience. "No. He didn't."

"Then I don't think you ruined anything."

"Oh, that's why he couldn't even look at me after? He just took off without a word, acted like it had never happened and I didn't exist."

Carlos reached across to squeeze Logan's arm. "He's right, Kendall. James didn't even hug him goodbye, and we all got hugs. He maybe gave Logan a quick smile but like...that's it."

"Oh. Wow."

Logan sighed, sitting back in the chair. "I don't know why I'm letting it bother me. Once he finds out about Caroline I'm gone anyway." When Kendall raised an eyebrow, Logan nodded. "Carlos knows everything now. He agrees that I probably don't have a chance."

"You don't know that," Kendall argued. "I think James is deeper than any of us realize. Though he did admit to being a slut," he chuckled.

"Yeah, he told me that, too. But he told me not to assume I know what he wants."

"Right," Kendall agreed. "I got that much, he hates it when people make assumptions about him. Word to the wise, Carlos."

"Thanks. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a one-on-one next week. That's if I get a rose tomorrow night. What if I don't?"

"You're getting a rose," Logan assured him.

"You can't know that, dude."

"Trust me, Carlos. You're getting a rose."

Giving Logan a suspicious glance, Carlos said, "You know something. What did he say?"

"Just that he wants you to stay."

"You guys talked about me?"

"A little. I don't think we're really supposed to, but he thinks I'm trying to set him up with both of you."

"Are you?" Kendall asked.

"Not really, I do want to win. But I'm not going to, so why not help you two where I can?"

"See?" Carlos jumped in. "Nice guy and super hot. James would be an idiot to pass you up."

"Thanks." Logan smiled, squeezing Carlos' arm in return. "Same with you two. It's gotta be a tough decision. But in my case it's about more than whether or not he's compatible with me. What matters is his willingness and ability to be a father to Caroline. That's a huge step."

Kendall nodded, but added, "Doesn't mean you can't enjoy him as well. You need a man who satisfies both of you-Caroline as a father, you as a husband."

"I didn't realize how lonely I was until he kissed me. You just...don't think about it. And then when it happens, you remember how amazing it can be."

"And you don't even know how awesome it really _can_ be," Carlos smirked. "I've been with women. There's no comparison, Logan. It's so much hotter with a guy."

"I have to agree. Women are okay, but there's nothing like being pounded so hard you can't even breathe. And then when-" Kendall paused, swallowing. "Okay, no more talking about sex. I miss it way too much." He downed some of his beer in an attempt to cool off.

Uncharacteristically quiet, Carlos stared at Kendall.

"What?" Kendall asked.

"I wouldn't have pegged you as a bottom."

Kendall shrugged. "I like both."

"That's really hot."

Logan made a sound of agreement; all this talk was heating him up as well. "Let's get some sleep. It's been a long day."

"But I didn't get to tell Kendall about my time with James!"

"Go ahead, Carlos. I'm going to bed, guys. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Logan." Kendall stood up to hug Logan as he rose. "Did you get a chance to call Caroline tonight?"

"No, it's too late now. I told her I might not be able to, figured I'd get back late if I I got the group date. I'll call her tomorrow night."

"Night, Logan." Carlos walked around the table to hug Logan as well. "Oh hey, don't forget your rose."

Reaching back for it, Logan smiled. "Thanks, Carlos. You'll get one tomorrow, I promise."

"I'd better. The way he kissed me, I deserve it."

Logan changed into his sleep clothes, leaving the rose on his pillow as he moved around the bedroom. It kept catching his eye as if mocking him, reminding him that whatever James had seen in him briefly was now gone. He was tempted to trash it but then remembered he'd need to be wearing it during the ceremony the following night.

Instead he moved it to his nightstand before sliding under the covers, leaving the light on for the other two. Turning over onto his side, Logan stared at it for a long while and appreciated what it symbolized.

For the first time in his life, a stunningly gorgeous man had found him interesting. Logan had always been the nerdy, brainy kid, and he'd grown into an even brainier adult with a sharp wit that made him friends easily when he tried, but he'd never been known as the kind of man to attract men (or women, for that matter) at the James Diamond level.

Jane had told him repeatedly he was sexy. Not once had he truly believed it or felt that way himself. When James had looked at him with such open desire, though, he hadn't doubted what he was seeing-James had wanted him. Maybe it was the shy, quiet side of him that James was attracted to and he'd crushed that image by becoming aggressive. Logan imagined most, if not all, of the other men threw themselves at him (except perhaps for Kendall) and Logan had probably felt like a breath of fresh air to James. He'd stifled that dream, though, by attacking James so thoroughly that James was overwhelmed.

Logan sighed now, knowing it was for the best and that everything happened for a reason, but being desired by James had been an incredible feeling that he would hold onto for the rest of his life, remember it when he was alone in his room at night lonely and aching to be touched.

For a few brief minutes, James Diamond had wanted to own him. He'd been turned on, Logan had felt that much, and when he closed his eyes he was back in that moment-James' hands dragging his hips closer, James' mouth invading his and begging for things Logan had only dreamed of. He shuddered slightly, frustrated by what he wanted but couldn't have, and knowing the memories would have to be enough.

Kendall and Carlos came to bed an hour later, Carlos smiling when he caught sight of Logan's fingers wrapped around the rose resting on his pillow. He only hoped that after tomorrow's rose ceremony, he'd have a new one to sleep with as well.

* * *

><p>The following day was tough on all three of them. Ryan had been chosen for the second one-on-one date, and they all knew he was a definite threat. Spending the day sunning and playing games of all types, the three stuck together and distracted one another from thinking too much about what might be happening on the date.<p>

They dressed carefully for the cocktail party. Even though Kendall and Logan already had roses, it wouldn't hurt to improve their chances for another week. Still they spent more time on Carlos, making sure he looked his best because neither of them wanted him to leave.

No one was surprised when Ryan returned with a rose.

The party began when James entered the room, greeted by smiles on all sides, and Kendall noted how the room lit up with his presence. He had that something special, not because he was the prize but because he somehow glowed. It was no wonder he'd been so successful as a model; Kendall would bet he turned heads everywhere he went. He hated that he was affected as well, knowing it would be easier if he simply didn't care.

James smiled before addressing them. "Okay, guys, I wanted to thank everyone I've had dates with this week. I had fun with each and every one of you, and those who didn't get one, hang tight. You'll get your moment. Tonight I want to touch base with those of you I haven't spent much time with. Jeff, will you join me?"

Jeff took his arm with a grin and they moved out to the patio.

Carlos leaned over to whisper to Logan. "Did he look at you this time?"

"Briefly. His eyes passed over me as he was talking."

"Okay, cool. I got the same thing. He's good at hiding his feelings, I think."

Having heard that, Kendall smirked. James certainly hadn't hid any feelings on _their_ date. Feeling guilty for taking pride in that, Kendall laid an arm over each of their shoulders. "Come on, let's go relax somewhere. We probably won't be needed until the ceremony."

They stayed close enough to be available if by some miracle James wanted to talk to them, finding a corner table to gather around while waiting it out. Thirty minutes in James found them.

"There you guys are! Trying to hide from me?"

"Of course not! Hi!" Carlos stood up and practically tackled James with a hug, James laughing as he stumbled back, and Kendall realized that James seemed to light up around them as well; if nothing else, he enjoyed their company.

"Hey. You guys doing okay? Nobody's making your stay hell?" When Carlos didn't move away, sliding an arm around James' waist and turning back to face Logan and Kendall, James returned the gesture.

"It could be worse," Kendall answered. "I was pretty hated in the beginning, but now that you're spending time with the others it's better."

"Good. And Logan. How are you?"

"Uh, good. Everything's good." Logan could hardly meet James' gaze.

"I'm glad. Um...Kendall. Could I have a minute with you?"

"Yeah, sure." Surprised, Kendall rose from his chair and took the outstretched hand James offered.

"Do you think he'll do that with all of us, or is it just Kendall?" Carlos asked when they were gone.

"I don't know. Probably just Kendall. I think Kendall's still the favorite."

"Yeah, I do, too. It's hard to be mad, cause Kendall's so awesome, you know?" Carlos took his seat again, reaching for his drink.

Logan nodded. "I'd be happy if he picked either of you. Did Kendall ever tell you more about his date?"

"Nah, I thought he might last night after you went to bed, but mostly we just talked about James and how he acted up at the snow. I think Kendall likes him more than he wants to."

"I think so, too," Logan agreed.

James didn't release Kendall's hand once they were settled in the loveseat, and Kendall's grip tightened on his. Now that they were alone the feelings were intense again, and he tried to stop thinking about how badly he was dying to be kissed. "So how are you?" he asked James. "Hanging in there okay?"

"Yeah, it's tough. I know it isn't easy on you guys either, but I feel pulled in so many directions."

"I can imagine. It's hard deciding who to send home, isn't it?"

"Not so much now. And I'm just being honest here. Either you have a connection or you don't, and with some of these guys I really don't. It'll get harder as time goes on, though."

"Yeah."

"You're easy to talk to, you know that?"

Kendall chuckled. "I've heard that before. Logan spilled his life story the day we met, and he says he never does that."

"Really? Logan did?"

Nodding, Kendall said carefully, "There's more to Logan than meets the eye."

"I sense that. I asked you to come out here because I'm going crazy. Can I please kiss you?"

The subject change threw him almost as much as the words themselves, which mirrored Kendall's own thoughts. Relieved that James was still feeling it, Kendall said softly, "You don't have to ask anymore, James. If you want me, I'm yours."

"Of course I want you," James whispered. "Do you think that's changed?" He dragged Kendall close, their lips meeting as if starved for years, and any uncertainty Kendall had been feeling melted away; James definitely still wanted him.

When angry voices erupted from the next room, the always-curious Carlos jumped up to investigate. He poked his head back in a few seconds later. "Logan. You gotta see this."

Frowning, Logan followed Carlos into the main room, where he saw disgusted faces turning away from the windows facing the patio. "Are you guys spying? That's horrible!"

"Just look." Carlos pushed him toward a window, and Logan's heart dropped into his stomach. James was straddling Kendall's lap, the two of them kissing in a way that was almost indecent. "Wow. Guess the date went well after all."

"No kidding," Carlos remarked. "My kiss wasn't anything like that."

"Well, wait until you have a whole date with him. Don't forget, Kendall spent an entire day alone with James. It's natural for them to be closer."

Carlos raised an eyebrow and asked, "You really think that explains a kiss like that? Damn. Kendall's got this. I guess when the spark's there...I'm not giving up, though. I'll just have to show him I can be sexy, too."

Peter suddenly exploded. "Okay, can they just stop already? How long are they gonna make out?"

Logan turned away, the sight hurting him more than he would've imagined. The sooner James sent him home, the better.

* * *

><p>Standing off to the side with Logan and Ryan, Kendall held his breath as he watched James enter the room. There was a tension in Logan that made no sense considering he was guaranteed another week. Kendall knew Logan was having doubts and missing Caroline, and he feared Logan might be planning to leave. Now would be the time to do it, before James started handing out the week's roses, so that someone else could remain and be given another chance.<p>

James gave a little speech again, thanking everyone and reiterating that he looked forward to the coming weeks. When he fell silent Logan moved as if to step forward. Kendall immediately grabbed his wrist, having been ready, and Logan halted.

"Don't," Kendall whispered. He tightened his grip in case Logan was thinking about doing it anyway, and felt Logan relax as he sighed in what sounded like frustration.

James began the ceremony, calling out names and asking each to accept a rose. Kendall started to wonder if Logan had somehow been wrong about Carlos, because there were suddenly only two roses left and Carlos had still not been named.

Glancing over at the group on the steps, Kendall could see that Carlos was sweating it now, trying so hard to keep up a brave face and it made Kendall wish he wasn't so far away. It had been easier when he'd had both his buddies close enough to comfort.

The next rose was given to Jeff, and then even Logan was looking worried. Kendall saw him exchange a glance with Carlos, both of them scared, before James lifted the final rose.

There was a long moment of silence, and then James announced, "Carlos."

Relieved sighs escaped all three of them. Carlos stomped up to James and glared at him. "You did that on purpose."

James only smirked before asking, "Carlos, will you accept this rose?"

"I should say no just to see your face," Carlos hissed, then broke into a bright smile. "But of course I will!" Once James had fastened the rose, giggling as he did so, Carlos snuck in a kiss on the cheek.

Kendall rolled his eyes watching them. _They're like children together. I'm surprised there wasn't a snowball fight yesterday. _

When the three who were dismissed had said their goodbyes, James turned to the ones who were left.

"Okay boys, get to bed early tonight. We have to be up at five for a flight to Arizona."

"Arizona? What the hell's in Arizona?" Scott asked.

"A good time, if you're lucky," James winked.

This was met with laughter, the mood buoyant among those remaining to compete for another week.

Staring at the faces surrounding him and remembering the feel of James straddling him earlier, Kendall couldn't help the words that ran through his mind.

_Six down, nineteen to go._

XXX

As none of them wanted to get up earlier than they had to the next morning, they showered before bed. Logan was almost asleep when Kendall returned from the bathroom and Carlos disappeared into it, still hyper from his rose.

"Maybe now I can sleep," Logan chuckled when the door closed. "He keeps talking about how he's gonna get James back for scaring him earlier."

Kendall shook his head as he tossed his dirty clothes into a hamper. "Those two, I swear." He slid into his own bed, sighing as he relaxed.

"Do you think James really did do it on purpose? Leave him for last just to make him sweat?"

"I do. With anyone else it would seem cruel, but it makes sense for them. They're like big kids, have you noticed?"

Logan nodded. "You should've seen them in competition over a snowman. They were determined to take each other down."

"Or James was determined to kiss you."

Not expecting that reply, Logan blinked. He'd wondered that himself after James' comment about the lucky scarf, but wasn't going to put any stock in it. The point was moot anyway-James had made it clear tonight that whatever he'd been feeling had passed.

Coming from Kendall, though, the idea seemed even more ridiculous. It was obvious that whatever James might've wanted from Logan, it was nothing compared to his desire for Kendall.

Logan's eyes had fallen closed again when Kendall spoke. "Did you get to talk to Caroline?"

"Yeah, for a few minutes. Mom let her stay up late since she we didn't talk last night."

"Is she doing okay?"

"She's good. Finally over the cold she had when I left, so that makes me feel a little better at least. I guess Mom told her I might be going to other countries so she asked me to bring her back a baby kangaroo from Australia."

Laughing, Kendall said, "I need to meet this kid. She sounds precious."

"Never boring, that's for sure." Logan smiled, imagining her asleep right now-or begging Grandma for one more story before bed.

"I know how badly you must miss her, Logan."

"Thanks, but you can't really know. You've never been a parent." Logan hadn't meant for it to sound so bitter, but Kendall's silence was proof it had come out worse than he'd intended. "Why did you stop me, Kendall?" he finally asked.

"Because I think you're giving up too soon."

"How is going home to my daughter giving up?"

"You came here to find a father for her. This place is the best chance you have right now, because once you go home I know you're not gonna date."

"You don't know anything about me."

"Then tell me, Logan. If I'm wrong, tell me."

After a pause, Logan sighed. "You're not wrong."

"Exactly. So don't be so quick to give up. If you feel nothing for James, that's different. And has it occurred to you that it doesn't have to be James? There's a whole houseful of guys here. As much as I hate to encourage it, you should get to know the rest."

Logan frowned, rolling over onto his side. "Why would you hate that?"

"Honestly? I like having you and Carlos to myself. It's selfish, but you two are special to me and I don't like sharing."

"Wow. Really?" Watching Kendall blush, Logan grinned. "I hated that you spent yesterday with Ryan. Made me totally jealous."

"What?" Kendall laughed, eyes widening. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. Because he's not...you know. One of us."

"One of us. I like that."

"Carlos is pretty friendly with the other guys, though. It doesn't bother me as much, probably because it's just his way. He loves people."

"True. Is there anyone else you'd want to consider? I know we're not allowed to fool around amongst ourselves, but you can talk to them for now and see what happens when it's over."

"I'm definitely in this for James. Which is weird, because he's not my type and we have nothing in common, but there's something about him. He makes me feel things I haven't in a long time. Maybe not ever."

"Then why would you want to leave, Logan?"

With a heavy sigh, Logan rolled over onto his back. "Because there's no chance. And knowing that, there's no reason for me to stay when I have a daughter who needs me at home."

"Logan, you don't know that! Anything can happen!"

"Bullshit, Kendall! You saw how he acted with me earlier. Barely even looked at me, okay? He was hanging on Carlos and practically fucked you by the pool. Don't tell me he's feeling something for me when he obviously isn't."

Logan's outburst shocked them both. Kendall sat up in bed, green eyes apologetic. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen like that, with everyone nearby, but I wanted it, I've been dying to kiss him again for two days and I just...I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry," Logan replied, feeling bad now because he knew Kendall felt guilty. "We all would've done the same thing. It was just hard to see, for all of us. We shouldn't have been spying on you anyway."

"I didn't expect to feel these things so fast. Or at the level I do. He makes me...fuck, I don't even know. It's all jumbled and I thought I had it under control but then he kissed me again and I lost it. I can't resist him and I don't know why," Kendall complained. "It pisses me off."

"You can't fight your feelings, Kendall. You came here to fall in love. Let it happen."

Raising an eyebrow, Kendall said, "So did you. Take your own advice."

"You know..." After trailing off Logan shook his head, deciding not to continue.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Logan, will you just talk to me? We need to stick together here, and if we can't talk to each other then who can we talk to?"

Knowing Kendall was right, Logan said, "Look, the truth is I think I might have had a chance. Or at least as much chance as anybody else here...if it wasn't for you."

Kendall waited, silently urging Logan to continue.

"I don't blame you, and I don't like you any less for it, but with you here there's not an even playing field. None of us can compare in his eyes. And before you start arguing, remember that I'm one of the good guys. I'm your friend. This isn't something I would say if it wasn't true."

"I know," Kendall responded softly. "You're right, and I feel horrible about that."

"It's not your fault. Don't you dare leave just to improve our chances, either. I get the feeling you would do that for your friends, and neither Carlos or I want that."

Kendall looked down and Logan knew he was right.

"Obviously you two have something special. You'd be an idiot to willingly give that up, Kendall."

Sucking in a breath, Kendall nodded and then let it out. "Okay. I'll stay, but only if you promise to stay, too. We do this together, stick it out to the end."

"Or until one of us gets sent home."

"Fine. But if you leave, I leave, too. That's the deal. Got it?"

Logan really didn't want to agree to that, because he didn't know how much more he could take of watching James devour other men the way he had Kendall, or how long he could stand to be away from Caroline. And what if by some miracle he did make it to the final four, where he would take James home to meet her; was he really ready to introduce a man like James to his angel?

"_But one thing my best friend urged me to do was to keep an open mind, to not rule out any possibilities before giving them a chance."_

James' voice rang in his head, taking Logan back to that room in the snow where they'd shared something powerful.

_He wanted me. I know he did. I don't know what changed, but he wanted me. Maybe I can get that back._

"Logan? Do we have a deal?"

Meeting Kendall's eyes across the room, Logan nodded firmly as Carlos entered the room. "Deal."

"Deal? What deal?" Carlos closed the door and threw his pile of clothes at Kendall, catching him square in the face.

"Dude! What the fuck?" Kendall shot the clothing back at Carlos, missing when Carlos ducked.

"Missed me. What deals are we making?"

Logan replied smoothly, "I get the bathroom first in the morning." He wasn't sure why he was lying, only knew that he didn't want Carlos to know of their discussion.

"How is that fair? I wasn't here to be part of the deal."

"Shouldn't have taken so long in the shower," Kendall smirked. "Turn off the light?"

"You both suck."

"Mmm," Kendall hummed. "I do it well, too."

Carlos' hand froze on the switch, his tongue coming out to lick at his lips as he stared at Kendall. "Don't joke about that. Do you know how horny I've been for the past week?"

The words and tone had affected Logan as well. He met Kendall's eyes, then Carlos', before they all looked away from each other. "Turn out the light, Carlos. We all need to sleep."

Other than the sounds of them all settling into bed, the room was quiet for ten minutes before Carlos asked, "Don't we get to sleep with him at some point? When does that happen?"

"When it gets down to three of us," Logan answered. "About four weeks, maybe?"

"Damn. Can't come soon enough. Literally."

Kendall and Logan busted up, Kendall throwing a pillow toward Carlos' bed. "Shut up and go to sleep, horndog."

"You started it with your talk about blowjobs."

"I know. I'm sorry."

They quieted down again, but a few minutes later Kendall said, "I bet he gives fantastic blowjobs."

"Kendall!" Logan scolded.

"What? Have you seen those lips? You know I'm right. And that tongue. Damn."

A whine erupted from Carlos, prompting Logan to put an end to the talk. "Enough. We're all horny and we can't touch each other so don't make this worse. Just go to sleep."

Two loud, frustrated sighs answered him, but otherwise there was no more talk. Closing his eyes, Logan willed his body to calm down.

At this rate, they'd all go crazy before it was over.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I'm having to guess at a lot of things regarding the process of how the filming of the show works. Basically, work under the assumption that there are always cameras on them (unless I specifically say otherwise, as I do in this chapter), whether it's a cameraman or stationary cameras set up in cars/rooms/hotels. I don't mention it much, but when I write the characters in some situations I feel like it would be something on their minds, so occasionally I bring it up. It would be easier if I could find a "This is how the Bachelor works" instruction manual haha. Also remember that I've only watched 2 seasons myself, so if I get things wrong I apologize. My goal is to make it so the things I may or may not get wrong don't take away from the plot.

And as for the characters...I'm not going to get into it much except to say that everyone is entitled to their opinions and I understand why people see things a certain way, as well as why other people see it differently. Keep in mind as you read that there are things about the characters that haven't come to light yet (things in their pasts, specifically) that will come out later that explain certain actions that may not seem to fit at the time.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>The Grand Canyon turned out to be "what the hell's in Arizona." Everyone was set up in a hotel near the South Rim, the sleeping arrangements remaining the same for Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.<p>

Logan had been concerned about that and knew that as more contestants were eliminated it would probably change, but for the time being he was grateful to keep Carlos and Kendall near, if in different rooms of the suite they shared.

It was a one-on-one date card that arrived first, Ryan reading it this time as they crowded into a huge suite set up as the gathering place. "'Cast about with me to find shelter from the storm.'" He hesitated, all eyes expectant on him, then announced, "Carlos."

Carlos' mouth dropped before he screamed, "Yes! Yes yes yes!"

"Don't hurt yourself, Carlos," Kendall teased as he watched Carlos jump around and fist-pump the air.

"You're right! He might have plans for this body later. Woo! Wonder what he meant by shelter, though."

"Hopefully he meant that literally," Logan remarked, "because there's supposed to be a huge storm later today. I hope your date isn't outdoors."

"If it is, that just means we have to huddle together for warmth," Carlos said to Logan with a wink. "What the hell do I wear?"

"Come on," Kendall chuckled. "Let's go get you ready."

Stuffing a backpack just in case it did rain, Carlos was ready soon. They'd settled on a t-shirt and shorts, since the temperature was supposed to be warm (if wet), and then went to wait downstairs.

"Think he'll pick me up or will they take me to wherever he is?"

"Considering you're waiting here, I'd guess you're heading out together," Logan reasoned. "He'd be leaving from the hotel, too."

"I'm nervous."

"It'll be fine." Kendall hugged him close with one arm. "You two have a good relationship already."

"I know, but this is my first time really alone with him. This is when it could all go wrong. Look what happened with Logan."

"Dude, really?"

"Sorry, Logan. You get what I mean, though, right? If it doesn't go well, I'm leaving tonight."

They all glanced over at Carlos' luggage, which was ready and waiting by the door in case he didn't return.

"You're not going anywhere." Hugging Carlos again, Kendall said, "Just be yourself. It's impossible to resist you."

"Yeah? Thanks, Kendall." Carlos planted a quick kiss on Kendall's cheek, Logan shaking his head at them as Kendall grinned.

The front door opened and James was there, gorgeous even in a baseball cap and jeans. He waved at the men spread around the room, smiling when his gaze found the three of them seated together on a couch. "Hey Kendall, hands off! This one's mine for the day."

Carlos jumped up, beaming, and hugged James. "All yours, sexy. Where are we going?"

"A few places, but first we're shopping."

"Shopping? Hell yeah. Bye, guys!"

James grabbed Carlos' hand as he passed, keeping him from rushing out. "Logan, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course." Logan stood up immediately.

"Promise I won't be long," James whispered to Carlos, who nodded, and then James led Logan to the small kitchen.

"Uh oh," Carlos grimaced. "Can he send Logan home on the spot like that?"

"No, it has to be during a ceremony. Logan's not going anywhere."

Kendall's stomach turned over, though-James pulling Logan aside couldn't be good, because if it was to fix things, that meant Logan was tougher competition again; if it wasn't, that meant Logan might be going home soon. What if James had found out about Caroline?

James leaned back against the kitchen counter, hands behind him as he restlessly pushed himself forward a few times. When he had Logan's attention, he began, "I wanted to apologize for what happened at the cabin."

Hands in his pockets as usual, Logan replied, "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I lost control. I'm sorry."

"You just surprised me."

"I know. It won't happen again."

"Logan..." James sighed, not knowing how to get across what he wanted to say. "It was fine, I just wasn't expecting it. I didn't mean to make you feel like you'd done anything wrong."

"Well, my moves weren't very classy, that's for sure."

James chuckled, shoving himself away from the counter completely to approach Logan, who stepped back some. James noted it and halted, sliding his own hands into his pockets. "I still feel like you're going to bail on me. I'm terrified I'm going to lose you before I even get a chance to know you."

Thinking back to his conversation with Kendall last night, Logan shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere until you make me."

"Promise?"

Logan finally met his eyes, looking up to see that James really was afraid; it helped a lot, knowing they were both unsure about things. "Unless my feelings toward you change, yes. I promise."

A slow smile spread across James' face. "So. There are..._feelings_ toward me?"

Blushing as his gaze dropped, Logan grinned. "Maybe."

"That's a good start." This time when James stepped forward, almost hesitantly, Logan didn't back away. "May I...can I just test something?"

Logan nodded, his heart crashing again when he realized James was going to kiss him. He freed his hands to allow James' to slide around his waist, letting James pull him closer and lifting his face to meet James' soft lips.

Their second kiss was slower but no less passionate. Logan kept thinking they needed to stop, Carlos was waiting and it wasn't fair of him to use up Carlos' time on himself, but when James' mouth was claiming his it was difficult to be fair. He ran his hands up James' arms, the t-shirt feeling soft under them before his fingers reached James' hair and curled around the silky strands. James' grip tightened on his hips then, fingers digging into them, and for some reason that flipped a switch in Logan, once again waking up feelings he usually managed to keep buried. He tightened his hold on James' hair, James gasping into Logan's mouth before the tongue became demanding, and the next thing Logan knew he was up against the wall, his legs coming up to wrap around James again while James' mouth forced his open wider, and then it was like before—neither could seem to get enough.

It wasn't until James ripped himself away that Logan realized he'd done it again. He banged his head back against the wall, angry as his feet dropped to the ground and James put distance between them. "I'm sorry. I don't know why that keeps happening."

"Because you're fucking hot, that's why. Will you quit apologizing for it? Fuck!" James' hand went up to run through his hair but met fabric, and he ran it over his face instead.

Both trying to calm their breathing, they stared at each other but that wasn't helping—all it did was make Logan want more. He had to look away, licking his lips and closing his eyes, and suddenly it all made sense. He couldn't bear to look at James right now because he didn't think he could control himself. The other day James hadn't even seemed to acknowledge him after their kiss, but maybe he'd been feeling what Logan was now—and it wouldn't have mattered where James was in the room, or whom he was with, Logan would've felt his presence and been going insane to get to him. How had James survived that limo ride back from the snow?

"You need to go," he said now, and had to laugh slightly. It was almost exactly what James had said after their first kiss.

"No kidding. I don't know what it is about you, but you'd better not leave before I figure it out. Got that?"

A finger pointed at him, and Logan smiled. "Deal. Now go make Carlos feel on top of the world again so he can keep me up all night telling me how awesome you are and how badly you want him."

James laughed hard, opening the swinging door and gently pushing Logan through it. "I'll try. Carlos, you ready to go?"

"I've only been ready for an hour, dude. So far you suck as a date."

"I've been told that's a good thing." He winked at Carlos, whose eyes widened before he blushed. "Managed to make you blush! Wonder how many of those I can get out of you before the sun sets." He held out a hand for Carlos.

Taking it, Carlos linked their fingers and picked up his backpack. "Quit bragging. I can make you blush, too."

"Doubt it. Nothing makes me blush, I've seen too much." James waved to everyone else with his free hand, letting Carlos get the door. "See you guys later."

"Bye!" was chorused around the room, Kendall calling out, "See if you can smack some of that arrogance out of him, James. He'll be hell to live with tonight otherwise."

Carlos smiled hugely. "Don't worry, Kendall, I'll tell you _all_ about my date. I'm sure there will be plenty of stories about how I made him blush and how he can't resist me."

Kendall picked up a pillow from the couch and chucked it across the room, Carlos laughing as he ducked it. "Missed me!"

"One of these days I'll get you, Carlos! When you least expect it I'll be there."

"Oh, I'm so scared, Kendall. Come on, James." Carlos dragged James out of the room, the closing of the door being followed by silence. It was always hard when James left, at least for the first few seconds, as they stared at each other and remembered they were all in competition.

This time Peter broke the silence. "Why is it I don't hate that guy?"

"Carlos?" Scott asked.

"Yeah. If any of you said shit like that, I'd want to punch you."

"It's because he's Carlos," Kendall smiled. "There's just something about him, makes it impossible to hate him."

"Come on, let's go for a walk," Logan suggested. "It's too crowded in here."

Kendall didn't argue, following Logan out of the suite. "Anywhere you want to go? We're not allowed to go far."

"No, just around the hotel is fine. I needed to get out of there for a few minutes."

Kendall pressed the button for the elevator, glancing at Logan curiously. "So...how'd it go?"

"With James?"

"Yeah. Are you two okay now?"

The doors slid open and Logan stepped into the elevator, hands back in his pockets as he spun around to lean against the wall while Kendall chose the lobby level. "We're okay. He apologized for the way he acted after our kiss, and I apologized for attacking him. He um...asked me not to leave."

Kendall gave him an "I told you so" look. "See? You didn't ruin anything."

"No, I guess not. I'm not used to all these feelings, Kendall. For so long I didn't allow myself to feel anything other than like a father. Now I'm...wanting things. If nothing else, this experience made me realize that I won't be satisfied alone for the rest of my life. Caroline is my priority, and there's nothing more important in my life than her, but I need someone."

"Preferably a man?"

"Most definitely. I've learned that much, too."

"Good." Kendall nodded, the doors opening for them to walk out into the lobby. "It's good to know that, where you stand and what you need in your life." After they exited, Kendall asked, "Where do you think they're going on their date?"

"Fishing."

"Fishing?"

"I'm assuming that's what 'cast about' meant. There are a lot of lakes around here."

"Oh. Makes sense. I can't imagine James fishing, though."

Logan chuckled. "Yeah, that'll be a sight. Moments like this are why I can't wait to see the show air months from now. I wonder what else we're missing."

"I can't wait to see you guys in the snow. I bet Carlos was adorable trying to beat James."

"Yeah, they're pretty cute together. It's...hard sometimes, you know? To watch that."

"Tell me about it. Even the brief moments upstairs when they were leaving was kind of torture."

"Strangely, that didn't bother me."

"No?"

"No. I wonder why."

Shrugging, Kendall said, "It bothered me. A lot."

"Did it bother you that James took me aside in the kitchen?"

"No, because you two had some things to clear up. It surprised me, but it didn't bother me."

"But it bothers you when Carlos and James spend thirty seconds trying to outdo each other."

"I never said it made sense, Logan," Kendall snapped, suddenly irritated.

"Because honestly?" Logan pressed. "If there's anything that should bother you, it's me and James in the kitchen. We did more than talk."

Kendall stopped walking, feeling like he'd been punched. "Why would you tell me that?"

"I...don't really know." Logan stopped as well, letting out a breath. "I'm sorry. It wasn't to make you feel bad or hurt you. I'm just saying that at this point, Carlos isn't the one you need to worry about. That could all change today, of course. Look how much one date changed your opinion about James. And I have no idea what he's feeling for any of the other guys, because they don't talk to me. But as far as the three of us...Carlos said the way James kissed you is nothing like the way he kissed him. He was scared when he watched you two making out, because apparently they're not at that level."

"And...you are."

"We...yeah. I'm not sure how or why, but yeah. We agreed that we're all going to remain friends when this is over, and I don't want that to change. I think it's important for us all to be open with each other, because if we aren't, there will be a lot of resentment and hurt. Which is typical in a situation like this, feelings are strong and tempers fly and no matter what happens with James, I don't want to lose you two. And if one of us _does_ win, the other two have to be okay with seeing James and the winner together. Otherwise the friendship doesn't stand a chance. Watching James kiss you the way he'd kissed me was really hard. You think you have this amazing chemistry with someone that no one else does and then you see that you're not the only one and it's...it crushes you. But we have to be prepared for that, you know?"

"I keep feeling like I'm going to lose it. The top spot. Every time he goes on a date with someone, I feel like he wants me less. I know that's natural, but I hate it."

"Yeah. It's only going to get tougher, Kendall. Carlos is going to come home tonight bursting to tell us everything. And we're going to listen, because we're his friends, and when he tells us about how they made out for hours we're going to deal with it and pray it's us next time."

"I really don't want to hear about it, Logan."

"I know. But we will."

Kendall nodded, taking a deep breath before wrapping an arm around Logan's shoulders and steering him back toward the room. "Feel like chess?"

"That sounds wonderful." Logan slid an arm around Kendall's waist, taking comfort in the fact that he wasn't alone.

* * *

><p>James held the car door open for Carlos. "Where's our driver?" Carlos asked.<p>

"You're looking at him. They let us have a car for the day." He closed Carlos in with a smile, continuing the conversation once he was in his own seat and belting in. "There are of course cameras in here, though, so no fucking in the backseat."

"Damn."

They giggled, James turning the car on and heading out of the driveway. Before they turned onto the main road, Carlos said, "Can I at least have a kiss before we get going?"

James grinned, leaning over to press his lips to Carlos'. They kissed until a car behind them honked, then broke into giggles again. "Oops."

"They can wait." But Carlos sat back in his seat, letting James drive. "So where are we going?"

"I told you. Shopping."

"And then?"

James hesitated, but finally answered, "I guess there's no reason to keep it a secret. We're going fishing. And I sure as hell hope you know how to fish, because I haven't been since I was a kid."

"Really? Fishing? I love fishing! I'm a pro, don't worry. This time I get to teach you!"

"Awesome! And how are you at reading maps?"

"Uh...yeah, not so good at that."

"Neither am I. So we may get lost on our way to the lake, but at least we'll have fun doing it!"

Talk was light as they drove, James wanting to hear more about Carlos' dogs. They laughed over memories Carlos shared, and James talked a bit about the one dog he'd owned as a child and how much he still missed her. Carlos held his hand when James related the tale of her death when he was nine, choking up even after so many years.

Carlos had been expecting a mall or at least a huge shopping center, but James eventually turned into a grocery store parking lot. "We're buying food?"

"We have to eat something, right? The plan is to eat what we catch, but I'm not a complete idiot; I know I'm going to suck at fishing. This way we won't starve. And," James added with a twinkle in his eye as they parked, "I also get to try to your famous hot dogs."

Carlos' face lit up. "Seriously? You want me to cook for you?"

"It might be our only chance. Can you find everything you need here?"

"Yes! Just normal hot dogs, though I do have a brand I prefer, and I fix 'em up with my own secret ingredients. Wait, is there a camera crew in there?"

"I think so, yeah. I know there's at least one guy who's gonna follow us around all day."

"Damn. I don't want anybody to see this."

"I'll let you go buy your own stuff and he can follow me. I need to pick up supplies for fishing, anyway. Do I get to know your secret ingredients?"

Carlos bit his lip, unsure. No one outside the family knew.

"If not, that's okay. As long as there's nothing gross in there."

"Nah, nothing gross. I can't wait for you to try them. You won't believe how good they are."

"Always bragging," James teased. He leaned over to peck Carlos on the lips before they exited the car. "Go get your stuff and meet me at the front of the store in fifteen minutes. Here." He passed over some cash. "That enough?"

"Plenty. Do I get to keep the change?"

James grinned. "Only if you kiss me again."

Carlos did, backing James up against the car door and letting him have it, all the sexual frustration he'd been feeling for a week.

"Damn," James breathed when Carlos let up. "This is torture, not being able to take it further."

"Better keep me around until the end then, right?"

Thirty minutes later they were back on the road and lost, Carlos trying to make sense of the map but not finding any roads that matched the names on it. "I don't get it. This is where the grocery store is, right?"

"Hang on." James pulled over and they studied it together, eyes narrowing. "Okay, we were on Canyon Drive."

"Right. That's right here."

"And the highway is...wait, how is it...but we're over...so here's South Canyon Drive...wait, there's a North Canyon Drive, too? Well, that's stupid. Why can't they just make different names for all the streets? Is this our hotel?"

"Um...I think so, yeah. Because we passed that street there."

"So we're on North Canyon. What fucking morons mapmakers are. Make it hard, why don't you?" he yelled at the map before flipping the car around to go back the way they came.

"Too bad we don't have a map like Dora's. It would talk to us and we'd sing songs," Carlos joked.

"Dora? Like...that little kid's show?"

"Yeah! You've never seen it?"

"No, I'm never around kids. My best friend has nieces and nephews and I go to their parties, but I don't spend a lot of time with them."

"How do you feel about kids, James?" Carlos asked, watching James' profile as he drove.

"Wow, we suddenly went deep, didn't we?"

"Well, it's something we should talk about. You don't seem like the type to want kids."

"I...kids scare me."

"Really? Why?"

"I just don't understand them. I mean, Lana's nieces and nephews are great. I can play games with them and they say the most hilarious things and they're not whiny and they don't cry all the time and I actually have a lot of fun with them. But most kids aren't cool like that."

"How would you know if you don't spend time with them?"

"I just know. I've been around enough to know."

"So are you saying you don't want kids?"

"I'm saying...I'm intimidated by the idea. Lana thinks having a kid would complete me somehow, make my life whole or something. Is this a dealbreaker for you, Carlos? If I say I don't want kids, are you gonna dump me?"

"No, but I'm curious. So you don't want them? And don't lie, I won't hate you if you say no."

"I don't know. I'm not sure right now, and that's the truth. I don't know what I want, Carlos. Most guys come onto this show knowing exactly what they want, but I'm kind of...keeping an open mind. I figure if it's right, I'll feel it. I won't be able to ignore it."

Carlos nodded slowly. "And have you yet? Felt it?"

"You know I can't answer that."

Carlos did know, but had been hoping James would give him a hint anyway. He was pretty sure James felt it with Kendall, at the very least. "So as far as kids go...maybe someday but not now?"

"You really want kids, don't you?" James asked, avoiding the question.

"My dogs fill the hole pretty well. Plus they don't talk back when I yell at them. Well, except for Chachi. He gives me this little whiny bark thing. Acts all big and tough when he's tiny, like he can take on anyone."

James giggled. "Gee, I don't know anyone like that."

Carlos punched him lightly in the arm. "Shut up, you know you love me. Hey, there's the lake! Wait, is that our lake?"

"It should be." James took the turn off the main road, driving them closer to the water. "There should be a boat waiting. We're going to fish for half the day, then we'll see what we can make of dinner."

"James! You got me a campfire, didn't you?"

"Told you I would," James grinned. "There might even be a tent in your future."

Carlos busted up laughing, bouncing in his seat. "I love it! You're totally the coolest date ever."

"I do my best," James said smugly.

"Can we make out in the tent?"

"As long as no clothes come off. And there's no uh...explosions."

"Oh. So not too much making out, then."

"No. Not too much."

"That's okay, we still have our sex date later to look forward to."

"Carlos!" James spluttered, practically speechless as they parked and the camera crew started heading over.

"What? You know you can't wait to get some of this."

"I...am not allowed to comment on my plans for you. Assuming I have any."

"But you do." Carlos unlatched his seatbelt and leaned over for a kiss, teasing James with his tongue.

"You're gonna kill me," James complained. "Like I'm not sexually frustrated enough?"

"Join the club, buddy. Now let's go catch something to eat for dinner. Besides the hot dogs. Don't forget the cooler!"

Carlos hopped out of the car, James shaking his head as he watched. There was certainly no one else in the world like Carlos Garcia.

* * *

><p>James didn't like the worms. He'd seen people on T.V. use things like cheese so when he shopped for bait, he'd gotten a package of that. Carlos took one look at it and started rowing them back to shore where there was a small bait shop, and when he returned with live worms packed in dirt, James made a squeamish face.<p>

"Dude, trust me. The fish like this better because it's alive and moving, it gets their attention. Cheese is colorful but boring."

"I'm not touching those."

"Yes, you are."

"Uh, no. I'm not."

"Be quiet and row the boat."

James did, grimacing as Carlos pulled worms out of the containers and impaled them on hooks. "Oh my god, they're freaking out, look at them squirm! Do they have to die for us?"

"James, the fish are going to die for us, too. Think about it."

"Oh. Right. So we can eat them. I hadn't thought of that. But the worms...they freak me out."

"Because worms are creepy-crawlies. Look." Carlos held one up to James' face, grinning, and James let out a shriek.

"You're a little shit, you know that? I thought you were trying to win me over."

"Relax, James," Carlos chuckled. "This is good," he commented, referring to their location. "Put the oars down and we can fish from here."

James glanced around the lake, seeing a few other boats scattered around (and ignoring the camera behind them), and took a deep breath. "Okay. Show me what to do."

"I baited your first hook for you, so you don't have to touch the creepy worms, okay?"

"Thank you. Don't you dare call me a sissy."

"I'm not going to. Now here."

James took the pole, jerking when the hook swung closer to him. "It's still moving!"

"It has to be, James! Oh my god, you're hilarious. Okay, watch me. Just like this." Carlos cast his line, both of them watching the weight sink into the water. "Didn't you ever have to do this when you were a kid? You said you went fishing."

"Yeah, but my dad did everything for me. He didn't trust me, always acted like I was too stupid to learn."

"Well, you're not stupid. Now try it."

James' first attempt was an embarrassment, but after a few more tries he got it working better and smiled when his hook disappeared under the water not too far from Carlos'. "There. That's good, right?"

"That's perfect. You get a kiss."

"Oh. Is that my prize every time I do it right?"

"Hell yeah."

They grinned at each other before locking lips, losing themselves in it so that when James' line started tightening and then being tugged, he didn't notice it right away. The pole jerked in his hand and he jumped, almost dropping it in the water before Carlos managed to catch it. "Dude! You got something, reel it in!"

Getting his pole under control, James reeled in a sizable fish, beaming with pride as it flopped around on the hook. "Carlos, look! Look, it's huge!"

It was in no way huge, but Carlos nodded anyway. "It's great! Now let me get it off the hook, hang on." Carlos caught the slippery thing, working to remove the hook as James watched with a frown.

"It's..."

"What?"

"Carlos, it's...look at its mouth."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's just opening and closing and..." Carlos worked it loose and held tight to the fish, James still watching closely. "Now what?"

"Now we put it out of its misery."

James realized right before it happened what Carlos was going to do, and with another shriek he knocked the fish out of Carlos' hands and into the water.

"James, what the hell?"

"We can't kill it! Did you see its eyes? And the way it was trying to breathe? Carlos, we can't kill it! It's a living creature!"

Carlos blinked at James for a long time, thinking at first he was being pranked. "Are you serious? Dude, we have to kill it to eat it."

"I know, I just...I hadn't thought about that. Can we just catch them and throw them back? They'll still live that way, right?"

After another moment of silence, Carlos started laughing. "You bring me out here to go fishing, but you don't want to kill the fish."

"I hadn't thought about it, okay? I'm sorry. I suck as a date. And as a man. But did you see its little eyes? The way it was staring at me? It was so scared." When there was no response from Carlos, James asked, "Did I just ruin this date?"

"No, it's okay, I get why it upset you, I just never imagined you to be that kind of guy."

"Why? Does it make me a sissy?"

"It's not that, I just didn't think you'd care so much for a random fish in a lake."

"It's still life, Carlos. Life is precious. Oh god, do you hunt, too?"

"No. That much I can't handle, even when I was a kid I hated it. My dad and my brother do it sometimes, but I don't go. I can't stand to see the deer bleeding and in pain."

"That's how I feel about the fish, okay? I can't kill it."

"That's fine, James. It's funny, and I'm gonna tease you about it for the rest of your life, but it's fine." They linked hands, Carlos smiling.

"The rest of my life, huh?"

"You know it."

"You're so cocky. I don't know how the other guys don't all kill you in your sleep."

"I'm sure some of them want to," Carlos grinned. "But I got Kendall and Logan to protect me, so I'm good."

James nodded slowly, gaze on the water as he returned to his usual calm state. "I find it interesting that whenever I'm with any of the three of you, we end up talking about the other two. That doesn't happen with the other contestants. You're all pretty close, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess we are. But other guys are close, too. Scott and Peter are always together, and Ryan hangs out with Mike a lot."

"That may be true, but when I'm with those guys it's...you know what? I'm not supposed to talk about it. Subject change!"

Carlos wasn't ready to let it go yet. "Is it a bad thing, though? That we're friends and talk about each other?"

"No, I don't see it as bad," James shrugged. "Just...different. I figured it would be all fighting, all the time."

"Well, you have to have people to lean on, you know? Because there is a lot of fighting and drama and they all really hated Kendall in the beginning. He needed a friend, so I'm glad we were there."

"You seem like the kind of person who makes friends with everyone. Even on our group date, when you were bragging and trying to get my attention, I didn't sense a lot of hostility. Well, not until I spent so much time helping you ski. I really shouldn't have done that, I guess, it wasn't fair to them, but I wanted to. And I had fun."

"That's all that matters then." Carlos squeezed James' hand, James smiling back at him, and they shared a moment of simply enjoying each other's company.

"So you really won't let me kill the fish?"

"I...would really rather you didn't. Because I won't be able to eat them. I'm sorry, I should've thought this through more. It's been years since I fished."

"It's okay, we're still hanging out together and I don't have to share you. What we do isn't important."

"That's true, I'm all yours for the day. Are you having fun, though? I mean, besides the fish thing."

"Yes! And the fish thing gives me ammunition to tease you later, so it's all good."

"Shut up," James laughed. "I can't believe we've been sitting here more than ten minutes without you trying to kiss me."

"Oh damn, I'm slacking. Come here."

James let it happen, giggling until their lips met. Their kiss was slow and lingering, James' tongue lazy against Carlos', and when they finally parted Carlos smiled. "You like me. A lot."

"I never said I didn't."

"You like kissing me, too."

"I do. I won't lie about that."

"Want to go find our tent and make out?"

Laughing, James replied, "We need to do more than that today. Not that sitting here kissing you isn't fun, but it's getting hot and I'm getting cramped."

Carlos put his brain to work. "I saw some signs by the shop when I bought the worms. There are trails around here, we could do some hiking."

"That I can handle. Let's get some water from the shop."

They spent a couple hours hiking, James much more at ease with that than fishing, which had obviously been outside his comfort zone. Carlos appreciated that he'd tried, though, and loved it when James held his hand for most of the hiking, even physically helping him at times when their trail took them through difficult terrain.

Both were starving by the time they returned to the shop, and James led Logan back to the car. "I'm ready for those hot dogs now. I hope you can cook them over an open fire."

"We'll manage. And since there's a campfire, there'd better be s'mores."

"Greedy, aren't you?" James turned on the car. "I get you a campfire _and_ a tent, and you still want more. Are you always this demanding?" he teased.

"Not really. I just like to tease you. You bring out the little shit in me, I guess. And I still have to get you back for the rose ceremony. That was mean!"

James busted up as they drove out to the main road. "Your face. Oh my god, you really thought I was gonna send you home."

"It's not funny! You were messing with my heart, man. That's not cool."

"No, I guess it wasn't, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to scare you. I mean...I _did_, but...oh, who am I kidding? It was so worth it. Your face was priceless."

"Okay, we can mess around about a lot of things, but not that. It was funny once—next time, it'll just be mean. Please don't make me suffer that again."

Reaching for Carlos' hand, James promised, "I won't. But I hope you know there was never a doubt, you were never going home."

"Not this week, anyway. Next week it could be a different story." When James was silent, Carlos bit his lip. "It's scary, James. For all of us."

"I know. And I wish I could say more, could really tell you guys everything I'm feeling, but I'm not allowed to. If the viewers know everything when they watch this, if you guys know everything, the drama level drops and it becomes boring. They drill that into my head, you know."

"I know. It must be hard."

"Probably not as hard as it is for you guys. I know what I'm thinking; you guys don't. Then again, there are a few of you I really don't know what _you're_ thinking, so I guess that's fair."

"Want to know? I could probably tell you," Carlos teased. "I talk to everyone."

"I bet you do." Turning into the campgrounds, James let go of Carlos' hand. He drove through until he found theirs, pulling in with a smile as Carlos got excited over the tent.

"It's huge! And everything's all set up, too! Usually we have to put up the tent ourselves."

"I know, but if we couldn't even figure out a map, can you imagine what a disaster our tent would be? We will have to start our own fire, though." Stepping out of the car, James grabbed the cooler they'd filled while Carlos picked up his backpack and closed the door.

"I got that, no problem. Are there s'mores in that thing?"

"The ingredients for it, yes. But you have to make me hot dogs first, then you get your reward."

"Deal."

There were chairs set up around the fire pit as well as a picnic table. James let Carlos go to work, sitting back in a chair and studying him, chuckling when Carlos would do something silly. "Don't burn yourself."

"I'm not! Just because you've never done this, doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing."

"I've done it. Just not for a long time."

"Did you and your dad used to come camping?"

"When I was little, yeah. But like I said, my dad wouldn't let me do much myself. I kept wanting him to teach me everything but he would say it was too hard for me or that I'd ruin it."

Carlos looked back over his shoulder at James. "That's not something a father should say. Dads should be encouraging, you know? My dad always was."

"You two are pretty close?"

"Yeah. He and my brother tease me sometimes about not wanting to hunt, but my dad's proud of me."

"How did you get started?"

"With the hot dogs?"

"Yeah."

"My dad got laid off for a while when I was a teenager. My mom was working, but she had a job that hardly paid anything, and as the oldest I felt like it was my responsibility to try to provide. I used to buy a hot dog sometimes on the way home from school, and one day I started talking to the guy who owned the cart, asked him how to get into something like that. He was really cool, let me work with him for a while and paid me, and when I saved up enough money I got my own cart. We used to joke around about being in competition, and I'd set up my cart across the courtyard from him. He always made more money than me, because he'd been there for years, but then I started making it fun for the customers. I'd make them laugh and get their attention, and it got better but he was still beating me. So I decided to make the best hot dogs in the world, and tried a bunch of different things, and finally found a combination that worked!"

"And the rest is history?"

"Pretty much. My customers loved the dogs and would tell their friends how good they are, and you know, everyone has to come by the courthouse at some point. For a case, or jury duty, or even to get married. And they'd see me and be like 'Oh hey, you're Carlos! My friend told me you have amazing hot dogs!' and they'd try them and...yeah. Now I own locations all over the state."

"But not just carts, right?"

"No, actual restaurants! Well, more like stands, but still. And we do French fries and corn dogs and even some chicken now, but most people come for the hot dogs."

"I'm hungry now, all this talk about food. And I almost feel sorry for the guy who let you work with him."

"Oh, Steve? Don't feel bad for him, he works for me now. He loves it, too, he manages a few of my restaurants."

"Seriously? How does the guy not resent you?"

"He tasted my hot dogs, that's how. Realized he couldn't compete, so instead he joined me."

Watching Carlos root through the cooler for supplies, James remarked, "I think it had more to do with the fact that you're so...you."

"Me?" Glancing up, Carlos stopped moving.

"Yes. You. So full of life, and you like everybody, and even when you're demanding and greedy I find myself liking you. I'm not sure how you do it, but you're amazing, Carlos."

Carlos licked his lips. "I know that look. You really want to kiss me right now."

"I really really do," James nodded, and when Carlos pulled him up out of the chair he went willingly, hands running up Carlos' arms to cup his face as Carlos' mouth opened to him. Carlos sensed immediately that this kiss was different than any of their previous ones; he'd said or done something that changed James' view of him, and for the first time Carlos felt that he had a real shot against Kendall. James' tongue was demanding, his fingers rougher in Carlos' short hair, and when Carlos lifted up onto his toes to better reach James' hair, their hips brushed together to bring a soft whine out of James.

"Tent," Carlos whispered, and James nodded but then immediately stepped back, shaking his head instead.

"No. Bad idea. Let's just...focus on food for now. I feel like with you we don't talk enough, and I we need to. It can't be all sex between us or it'll never work."

Carlos knew that to be true, but he grinned. "Sex is fun, though."

"We definitely have that in common. But I got you a campfire and a tent. You owe me hot dogs. Get to work, sexy."

"If you can keep your hands off me," Carlos teased, and James moved back into the chair.

"Not moving again until food is ready. Is it alright if I watch you, though? I won't share your secrets with the world."

"Yeah, but will he?" Carlos nodded toward the cameraman, who laughed and offered to turn the camera off but only while Carlos was preparing the hot dogs.

After thanking him, Carlos made quick work of the preparations so that the camera was only off for ten minutes, joking once it was back on that they should've gotten a quickie in while they had the chance. James laughed, standing up to kiss Carlos again but not letting it get quite so heated this time. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Just sit there and look pretty. Which you do very well."

"I do, don't I?"

"And you say I'm the one with the ego?"

"I think we both have that problem," James chuckled.

"So we're perfect for each other."

"I keep wanting to kiss you. Badly."

"That's not a problem, James."

"It is when you're trying to cook." James sat down again, resting his hands in his lap and crossing his legs.

"You can help with that much. Here, roast your own wienie."

Giggling, James joined Carlos near the fire, and together they "roasted wienies."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>James understood Carlos' enthusiasm for his creation after taking one bite, and he knew why Carlos was so successful. He kept raving about how amazing they were and would have eaten an entire package by himself if Carlos didn't stop him.<p>

"Trust me, you'll make yourself sick. I've done it. I think Kendall said he's done it, too."

"Really?" James asked through a mouthful of food. "I don't blame him."

"Here, you've got mustard on you." Carlos grabbed a napkin and wiped below James' lips. "You're really adorable, you know that? The thing with the fish...that surprised me."

James blushed. "Can we never talk about that again?"

"No, because it showed something I wouldn't have guessed about you."

"That I have a heart?"

"That you have a big heart. I didn't know a lot about you before coming here, except that you were famous and gorgeous and a model. I never thought I could ever have a chance with someone like you."

"Why not? You're gorgeous, too."

"Yeah, but I'm not part of your world, James. Guys like you...they don't notice guys like me."

"I'd love to say that's a lie." James wiped his mouth with a napkin and tossed it into the fire. "Sadly, it's the truth. I meet a lot of guys, and I do end up in bed with plenty. But none of them are guys I want to keep around. That's what Lana was trying to get across to me, I think." He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his full belly. "That coming onto a show like this would force me to open my eyes to regular guys."

"Regular guys can be good in bed, too."

James laughed, reaching over to take Carlos' hand in his. "I believe it. So far I've had more fun with you than anyone I've ever met."

"Really?" Carlos asked in excited disbelief. "Your whole life?"

"My whole life," James nodded. "I consider myself lucky to be spending time with you. Everyone likes you, dude. I don't know how you're still single."

"Well...mostly because I work all the time. I've dated and stuff, but nothing serious. I tried a serious boyfriend about a year ago and it didn't work."

"Why not?"

"I was too busy. He always wanted to get together after work and I'd get calls for an emergency. But being my own boss, I don't have set hours. I can do things during the day, and he couldn't."

"Dating a model would be perfect, then," James joked. "I don't have a set schedule either."

"No, but you do travel a lot, right?"

"I do. What about weekends? Couldn't you get together with your boyfriend on the weekends?"

"Our busiest time? No way."

"Ah. So does the travel bother you?"

"Only because I feel like I'd never see you. Where do you actually live?"

"In L.A. I have apartments all over the world, though."

"Is there one in New York, by chance?"

"There is," James grinned. "How have I never had your hot dogs?"

"I'm guessing you don't eat at uh...regular places."

"I do eat at a lot of fancy restaurants. Places to be seen. I bet Lana's had them. She eats 'regular' food."

"You have to keep that body looking good, too, I bet. Too many hot dogs would be bad."

"I suppose." Sighing, James reached out both hands. "Come here. You're too far away."

Carlos curled up in his lap, the folding chair creaking under them. "Are we good?"

"I think so. If it breaks, it breaks. Just lean away from the fire," he commanded with a laugh.

"That's easy, I just lean on you."

They smiled into each others' eyes before leaning in to kiss lazily for a while. A booming clap of thunder made them both jump, hearts thumping loudly as the sky was lit up with lightning. "Shit," Carlos muttered. "I forgot about the storm."

"So did I."

In seconds they were bombarded as the sky opened up, fat drops of water raining down on them. "Tent!" Carlos yelled, then dove for it.

James made sure the cameraman had a safe place to hide and waited for him to disappear into the car before joining Carlos in the tent. "Don't forget there are cameras in here. I know you're gonna try to get me naked."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Carlos joked. "Come kiss me. At least take off your shirt, I bet you're magnificent under those clothes."

"I am pretty amazing to look at," James admitted. "And I know that sounds conceited, but it's the truth. I don't understand why people think it's wrong to admit it when you've got something good going for you."

"As long as you don't make it a habit or make everyone else feel bad because we don't look as good, it's fine." Carlos laid back onto the blanket and pillows that had been set up, watching James toss the hat aside and peel off his shirt; he was grateful for the small lantern that had been set up in here. "Jesus," he whispered. "You're beautiful. How did I end up alone with you in a confined space like this?"

James grinned. "Because you're worth it, silly. You make me laugh, and I love being with you. And you're hot, there's that." He reached down to lift Carlos' shirt over his head, eyes heating up as he took in smooth skin. "So hot."

Carlos dragged James down over him, kissing him hard and relieved when James met it with the same level of passion. He knew they couldn't take this too far, but he was going to do what he could to make sure he got another date with James.

Things were going well, or so Carlos thought, when James lifted his head. "Wait."

"What? No waiting." He attempted to pull James back down but James sat up, shaking his head.

"What did you mean earlier? You said you were surprised I had a big heart. Am I that much of a dick normally?"

_Shit. Shit shit shit._ Now Carlos knew how Logan felt, screwing everything up when it was going so well. "You're not a dick, no. But you give off this vibe sometimes..."

"Go on."

"James, can't we just kiss?"

"No. I want to hear more about this vibe of mine. Why is it so hard to believe I have a big heart? I care about people."

"I know that. I've seen that, the way you treated me in the snow was so sweet. You didn't have to be nice about that, I wasn't expecting that."

"See? That's what I'm talking about. Why wouldn't I be nice?" When Carlos started stumbling over his reply, James squeezed his hand. "It's okay. I'm not mad and you didn't ruin anything. I'm just trying to understand why you...oh. And probably Kendall, too. Is that why he didn't like me at first? He thought I was a dick?"

Incapable of lying, Carlos chose not to answer.

"It all makes sense now," James commented. "But what is it I do that makes people think that of me? I never really cared what anyone thought, but I'm starting to. Because you guys matter to me."

"I think..." Carlos hesitated, looking for a way to say it that wouldn't upset James. "I think maybe that's it. You put off this vibe like you don't care what people think."

"But so do you. If you cared what people said or thought, you wouldn't be so relaxed and fun. Why is it people like that about you but hate it in me?"

"I do care, James. When people don't like me, it hurts. A lot."

"But _everyone_ likes you. You've never really had to deal with being ridiculed, have you?"

Carlos shrugged. "Not since school. I used to be called 'weird' all the time."

"Yeah, but I bet it wasn't in a cruel way. When I was growing up, I was called all kinds of names. None of them were nice."

"People are stupid, James. You're beautiful."

James smiled, touched. "I don't think you have a cruel bone in your body, Carlos. Maybe that's why it's different. I can be cruel. And I've taken pleasure in it. When people cross me, I get even."

Carlos sat up, scooting closer to James and wrapping his arms around James' waist. "It's better to let it go," he said softly, but still loud enough to be heard over the rain pelting the tent. "People who do you wrong aren't even worth your time."

"I don't...let myself care about a lot of people."

"I can tell. But if you want to find a husband, or even a boyfriend, you have to care. You have to open yourself up." He lifted his lips to kiss James' neck, nuzzling his face in the warmth and continuing, "You'll never find love otherwise."

James closed his eyes and dipped his face down to meet Carlos' for a long kiss, Carlos eventually pulling him back down to the pillows. "Just relax and let it happen," Carlos whispered, and it was quiet in the tent as James did.

Slowly the kisses turned into caresses, James' lips traveling over bare skin to follow his hands down Carlos' chest. There was nothing hurried or desperate about it, though since time was short it easily could've been. When James' lips stopped moving, Carlos opened his eyes to a flash of bright red in front of his face, which lit up with a gasp. "Really?"

"Really," James chuckled, trailing the rose down over Carlos' torso and raising goosebumps over his skin. "God, you're beautiful."

"Stop," Carlos blushed, a hand coming up to stroke James' hair.

"If you ever think I don't like you or you're not wanted, just remember this: I hate camping."

"You do?"

"Everything about it. I hate bugs, I hate being away from civilization, I hate what humidity does to my hair. But for you, I did this. You're worth it, Carlos. And you're beautiful." Carlos stared up at James in silence until James said, "You need a shirt on so I can do this properly."

"No fun." But Carlos sat up, reaching for his shirt and tugging it down over his head.

When it was in place, James asked, "Carlos, will you accept this rose?"

"You know I will."

James fastened it and they kissed again, Carlos climbing up to straddle James' hips, and eventually James had to push him off. "I need to get you back, it's late."

"So what?"

"Come on," James chuckled. "Our poor cameraman needs his sleep. And so do I, I have a big day tomorrow."

"Oh, any hints? Where you going? Who you taking?"

"Nope, not happening."

Once James was clothed again, they crawled out of the tent and were pleasantly surprised to find the rain had stopped for a moment. "Wow, look at the stars," Carlos said, head tipped back.

"There must be millions."

"Trillions, even." Carlos leaned back against James, whose arms slid around his waist. "If you see a shooting star, make a wish."

"I've never believed in that, Carlos."

"You don't believe in luck?"

"Well...it's worked for me once or twice."

"It'll work again. Do you see any?"

"No. Come on, let's-wait! I see one!"

"Where?" Carlos looked up in hope, gaze roaming the sky, but when he saw nothing he spun around to find James' eyes closed, his lips moving silently. Once his eyes opened, Carlos smirked, "What did you wish for?"

"Always so curious." James took Carlos' hand in his and pulled him toward the car.

"Come on! Tell me!"

"Nope."

"Are we just gonna leave this stuff here?"

"A crew comes out to clean it up." James hadn't even noticed the cameraman filming them for once and was surprised to find the car empty. He spun around. "Hey, Rich. Can you drive us back? The car cameras will cover everything."

"No problem."

James pulled Carlos into his arms once the car was moving, both of them cuddled up in the backseat.

"I was afraid I ruined it with the fish thing."

"You didn't ruin anything," James said again, kissing the top of Carlos' head. "What you did was get me thinking. I had no idea I put out that bad of a vibe."

"Really? Not even a little bit?"

"Well, maybe a tiny bit. You have to maintain an image, you know?"

"Why?"

"Because it's my job."

"Maybe you're in the wrong business."

"Modeling makes me happy, Carlos."

"There's no reason you can't be a _nice_ model, James."

James laughed, hugging Carlos tight.

"Think I'll get another date with you?"

"I can't answer that, Carlos,"

"I think I will. If you keep me around."

"Just don't ruin my rep and go telling all the guys I'm not man enough to kill a fish."

"Aww. Your secret's safe with me," Carlos whispered.

They giggled before kissing again, the rest of the drive passing in a blur of lips and roaming hands. When the car pulled up at the hotel, James stepped out with Carlos.

"May I walk you to the room?"

"Of course."

James gave him one last kiss at the door. "I'll see you at the cocktail party, okay?"

"What about tomorrow?"

"No, the guys are meeting me at the location. Thank you, Carlos. I had a lot of fun today."

"Me, too. Think how much more fun we can have if you keep me around for the sex dates. And you can come home with me to meet my dogs."

"Not pushy at all, are you?" James teased.

Carlos grinned and went in for one more kiss. "This sucks, having to share you."

"I know. I'm sorry." He stepped back with a smile. "Goodnight, Carlos."

"Goodnight, sissy."

"You're such a little shit!"

"Just making sure you don't forget me." Carlos winked, and then he disappeared through the door.

* * *

><p>Most of the guys were gathered in the large suite's massive living room, huddled around the television in the semi-dark. Carlos heard blood-curdling screams and the sound of a chain saw and kept walking, setting his backpack down on the kitchen table before reaching into the refrigerator for a beer. When he turned around he jumped, both Kendall and Logan standing in the flickering glow from the next room like the creepy twins from <em>The Shining<em>.

"Jesus, you guys! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry." Logan moved to the fridge, Carlos stepping out of the way to allow him to grab a couple sodas.

"No beer?" Carlos questioned.

"We've had enough beer today," Kendall replied, taking the can Logan passed him.

"And plenty of other things as well," Logan added.

At Carlos' raised eyebrow, Kendall supplied, "We got a little buzzed earlier."

"Whoa, I missed Logan drunk?"

"Mostly he just giggled a lot. Dude is a lightweight."

"Leave me alone, I don't drink much." Logan elbowed Kendall, who pretended it hurt. "Oh be quiet, that's nothing compared to the way you get shoved around on the ice."

"I'm injured, remember?"

"Yeah, what about that? You seem perfectly healthy to me."

"Me too," Carlos agreed. "Are you faking?"

"No, my knee really does hurt if I'm on it too long. I just have to be careful. And I smile through the pain."

"You'd better hope you don't get on that group date tomorrow," Carlos smirked. "James said something about it being a 'big day.'"

Kendall and Logan exchanged a glance, Kendall smirking.

"What?" Carlos asked.

"The date card came earlier today," Logan responded. "We're both going."

"Oh. Wow, it came today?"

"Yeah, we were all surprised."

"That's cool, that you both get to go," Carlos commented, but Logan sensed the smile was forced.

"How was fishing?"

"It was—wait, how'd you know?"

"The date card. I figured out that much."

"What was the shelter thing?" Kendall asked.

"Oh! He got me a tent!" Carlos grinned.

Logan blinked. "He really did? You demanded a tent and he got you one?"

"Yep. And a campfire, too. He's so amazing, you guys."

Thinking back to his own date, where James had managed to satisfy quite a bit of his needs, Kendall nodded. "So how was it today? You got a rose, that's something."

"Of course I did. He really likes me, guys. I can tell."

"That's no surprise," Logan commented. "Everyone does. So you fished and...had a campfire?"

"Well, we—you know what? Can we go to our room and talk?" Carlos had noticed the volume of the television drop.

"Yeah, let's do that."

Carlos picked up his backpack and they said goodnight to the men in the living room, making their way down the hall to the room they shared.

"I still need a shower, so let's make this quick."

Kendall and Logan sat on their beds while Carlos unpacked the bag and got out of his clothing, leaving the boxers on as he talked. He was careful with the rose, setting it on his pillow.

"So we went to the store and got stuff for the hot dogs. He finally ate them."

"Well, that explains the rose," Kendall teased.

"Shut up!" Carlos shoved Kendall playfully. "I got the rose because he likes me!"

"Suuuuuure. So you cooked him hot dogs."

"First we went fishing, then hiking, then we had food and it rained so we—wait a minute! We never got the s'mores! Damn him, he owes me."

Logan rolled his eyes. "And I'm sure he'll hear about that first thing in the morning when he shows up for our date."

"No, you guys are meeting him there."

"He told you that?" Logan asked in surprise.

Kendall's eyes narrowed. "What else did he tell you?"

"Nothing. I tried, trust me. He just said it's a big day and that you guys are meeting him there. Wherever 'there' is."

"My guess is the Grand Canyon," Kendall said. "I mean, who comes to the South Rim and doesn't go see it?"

"He might be saving that for the one-on-one date, though. It would be romantic, I bet."

Carlos frowned at Logan's words. "I hadn't thought of that. So you didn't get the one-on-one."

"No." Logan looked down, and Carlos was tempted to go hug him but he continued, "It's fine. I think he's afraid to be alone with me anyway."

"Logan, I'm sure that's not-"

"It is, Kendall. I scare him. I need to work on opening up."

After an awkward silence, Carlos continued, "So we roasted hot dogs and then it started raining, and we spent the rest of the date in the tent. And that's about it."

Kendall finally asked the question they both needed an answer to. "Did you guys...get any closer? Physically?"

Carlos picked up a clean t-shirt he'd had packed in the bag. "Can one of you grab my suitcases while I'm in the shower?"

"Carlos, answer the question."

"Why, so you can both hate me?"

The bitterness behind it surprised both Kendall and Logan. "We're not going to hate you, Carlos," Logan replied. "How could we? You're in the same boat we are."

"Dude, if you ever think I could hate you..." Kendall rose from his bed and moved to Carlos, pulling him in close. Carlos' arms came up to cling tight. "You're so tense. Relax, buddy. I promise, we won't hate you."

"You will if I win. And after today? I think I have a shot. But I don't want to lose you guys."

Logan stood up, sighing as he wrapped his arms around both of them. "Nobody's losing anybody. Kendall and I talked about it earlier, this is going to get harder each day and we have to be prepared to see each other with James. It's going to hurt, but what matters ultimately is happiness. Ours _and_ James'. If James is happiest with you, we'll live with it."

"I don't want to hate you when I lose," Carlos whispered.

"Hey." Kendall tilted Carlos' chin up. "There's no reason for you to think you're gonna lose. It sounds like you two had a great time together. Be perfectly honest, do you think you'll get another date?"

Carlos nodded. "He wouldn't answer when I asked him that, but I could tell he wanted to. And when we were in the tent...yeah. He likes me. A lot."

"Then don't feel guilty about it," Logan said softly. "You're allowed to be happy that he's falling in love with you. Even when it hurts us."

"I love you guys."

Kendall grinned, hugging Carlos tight again. "We love you, too. Logan thinks we need to be open with each other about our time with James. I'm not so sure, but I will tell you both that he seems to be falling for me. And that it's mutual. It's only going to get harder as the feelings intensify."

"He's totally falling for me," Carlos agreed. "At least...I think he is. He acts like he is. Logan?"

Logan stepped out of the group hug, crossing his arms over his chest. "He's attracted to me. As far as falling in love...no. I don't see that. And I'm not feeling a whole lot of that myself, so we're even. There's just this crazy attraction between us."

Carlos smirked. "Wait until you get him alone. That's when your heart doesn't stand a chance."

Kendall laughed. "It's true. I never imagined he'd win me over so fast. But...he did. He was everything I've always wanted in a date. And I hated that he was the one to be that. Now...all I ever think about is being alone with him again."

"Ugh, why is he so perfect?" Carlos complained. "I was feeling so good, like I had it made, and now I'm back to thinking I could never win against you guys."

"Don't," Logan soothed, hugging them both again. "Right now, it sounds like you have a better chance than I do. And remember, when I tell him about Caroline, he's going to run away screaming."

Carlos held his silence about their conversation, feeling guilty that he'd been digging for hints on that.

"Bottom line, guys," Kendall began, "is that we want to be happy. With James, with someone else, it doesn't matter. If he isn't the one for us, we need to find the one who is, and the sooner he sends us home, the quicker that'll happen."

"Unless the one who makes us happy is here in this hotel," Carlos argued.

They all pulled back and stared at each other, none speaking their thoughts but wondering; it was only natural to consider it. Finally Kendall said, "Right now our focus needs to be James."

Logan and Carlos agreed, and as if on cue they chorused, "To love."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Thank you to **Aranelle** for making sure I didn't screw up too badly when talking about horses—I know nothing about them.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Even Logan had been baffled by the date card's clues this time, and as the six men boarded a tiny plane he was nervous because he wasn't able to prepare himself in any way; Logan hated being put in situations he couldn't control.<p>

_Yet you're willing to put your heart out there for a man who will probably break it at some point. You are completely illogical, Logan._

The scenery was breathtaking, though, as they flew over the Grand Canyon and finally touched down near a small town that appeared to exist for the sole purpose of sightseers.

James greeted them all with hugs, Logan feeling special as he was the only one (excluding Kendall, who had been on a one-on-one date) to be included a second time. He hugged James tight, enjoying the feel of being in James' arms, and noted Kendall did the same before they gravitated toward each other again as Logan and Carlos had done on their group date. Kendall may have been Logan's toughest competition, but Logan wouldn't have wanted to do this without him.

James, of course, was almost as breathtaking as the scenery had been. He simply glowed no matter what he was wearing or what the surroundings, and even in an outdoorsy khaki outfit that looked out of place on him, he was beautiful.

"Okay, guys, this is John! He's going to be our guide for the day." James gestured toward an older man standing nearby, and the men waved. "We're going river rafting!"

Logan's eyes widened. It wasn't that he was a scaredy-cat kind of guy, but being tossed around by a raging river wasn't something that sounded fun to him in any way. Kendall seemed excited, though, as did the other guys; one had even done it before. Logan reminded himself that he'd known this coming on the show, known that there would be adventures of the kind he wasn't used to and that he'd decided it was worth the risk—though getting himself killed wasn't good for Caroline's future, either.

"Relax," Kendall said quietly, squeezing Logan's shoulder. Of course Kendall could read his mind. "It'll be fun, and I'll be right next to you."

Logan smiled up at Kendall gratefully, leaning into him.

"Guys, we're moving! Come on!"

They jumped, James' command surprising them, and followed John along with the rest of the group.

They were given life jackets and taken through a quick lesson, Logan listening intently to the instructions and filing them away. John assured them the river wasn't too wild and that he did this sort of thing every day and hadn't lost one passenger—yet. Logan didn't find that funny.

"Relax," Kendall repeated from his spot next to Logan, an arm laying over Logan's shoulders. "It'll be something you can tell Caroline about tonight."

That much was true, and Logan smiled again. Kendall always knew what to say. He felt eyes boring into him and glanced to his right, where on the other side of a few guys James was staring at them intently. Logan would've given a lot to know what was going on inside that head, but tried for a smile aimed at James. James looked away and focused on what John was saying.

Eventually they all climbed into a large raft, Logan hating the way it bounced on the river even before it started moving. Kendall was right behind him, one hand on his shoulder and the other on an oar. "You okay?" he asked in a low voice.

"Fine," Logan replied, grip tightening on his own oar.

"I'm right here, okay?"

"I know." Through his fear, Logan managed to glance back and silently thank Kendall.

"Logan! Up here with me! Kevin, switch places with Logan."

Once again, James was demanding Logan at his side. This time it felt different, though, leaving Logan feeling guilty but for what he couldn't have said.

It was awkward as they moved around the raft, squeezing past bodies until Logan was next to James. Panic was setting in at being so far away from Kendall, who had been managing to make him feel better, or at least safer.

"You okay?" James asked, reaching out for Logan's hand.

"Yeah. I just hate not knowing what to expect."

"Don't worry, it'll be fine. I'm right here."

Logan blinked, the familiar words coming out of that mouth a surprise.

"I won't let anything happen to you, Logan."

Logan swallowed and took the hand James was offering, clutching tight before they had to place both hands on their oars. As the raft started to move, he looked back over his shoulder at Kendall, who smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up.

When it was done they were soaked, exhausted, and laughing. It had been a rush like Logan had never known, and using the tips given to them by John he'd done well, James grinning in encouragement at him through much of the ride. They climbed out of the raft dripping wet, all of them gushing and giggling over the experience, and were met with towels and blankets.

James called them to attention to announce, "Follow that trail, we have a picnic waiting."

He was immediately surrounded on all sides as the group moved, Kendall hanging back some with Logan. "You did fine, see?"

"Yeah, it was fun! I was afraid it would be rougher."

"It can be, I'm sure. They have rafting trips that last days, and I bet those can get wild. This one wasn't too bad."

"No, I'd love to go again. Did you have fun?"

"I did! Even though James stole my buddy from me," Kendall teased.

"Yeah, what was that?"

"He's jealous."

"Think so?"

"Definitely."

"Of who?"

"That much I can't figure out." Kendall steered Logan around a rock in his path, as Logan's attention was on him instead of his surroundings. "I'd kill to know, though."

"You and me both. Maybe he just doesn't like it when the focus isn't on him. He was the same way on the snow date, didn't like it when Carlos and I were talking to each other instead of to him."

"Guys, keep up!"

Kendall smirked when James' voice called back to them. "And now he's jealous again. Maybe it _is_ you, Logan."

"I guess it could be. But it could easily be you, too."

"True. About time he gets a taste of what we're all feeling."

After drying off some more and feasting on the food that had been brought in for their picnic, James spent a little time with each guy as he had on the snow date. A couple he simply sat between and talked, two others he led away for a short walk, and then he crooked a finger at Kendall.

"Guess it's my turn."

"Leave some for me," Logan teased.

"I'll think about it," Kendall grinned, both of them laughing as he stood up to join James, who held out a hand to him. "Hi there, beautiful."

"Hello, gorgeous," James smiled, leading Kendall away from the group. "It's nice to get some time alone with you for a change."

"I could say the same. I hear it went well with Carlos last night."

"Of course he told you everything. Don't judge me, okay? I don't like killing defenseless animals."

Kendall snorted. "Where did that come from? Damn, what did I miss?"

"Shit. He didn't tell you about the fish?"

"He said you guys went fishing. Not much else about it."

"Well, crap." Cheeks coloring, James was silently berating himself.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. We had a wonderful time."

"But you couldn't kill...a fish, I take it?"

"It was staring at me, Kendall! With these _eyes_! And it couldn't breathe!"

"So you didn't catch any fish?" Kendall smirked.

"No. We ate hot dogs instead. Which are phenomenal, by the way."

"Oh my god, I know. I could eat those things every day for the rest of my life."

"They're so good. Do you fish?"

"I have. I never have a problem killing the fish. I'm not saying that makes you any less of a man, I'm just saying I don't think about it too much.'

"How can you not? Its little mouth is gaping at you, like it's accusing you and saying 'What did I ever do to you? How can you hurt me?'"

Kendall giggled. "I'm sorry, but you put way too much thought into it. It's the circle of life, James."

"It's murder. And I won't do it."

"No one's asking you to, calm down." Squeezing James' hand, Kendall said, "You're really kind of adorable, you know that?"

"As opposed to being a dick, you mean?"

"Who says you're a dick?"

"Isn't that what you thought of me when we met? Had this image of what you thought I was supposed to be like?"

"Wow. Where did that come from?"

James didn't answer right away, eyes on the greenery around them. "You did, though, right? That's why you were so hard to crack?"

"Yes." There was no point in lying. "I had an opinion of you that was based on everything I'd seen on television and read in magazines. But you come off as a prick in interviews, dude. That was the James Diamond I expected to meet."

"I have to be careful what I say."

"No, you don't. You'll still be just as beautiful if you show the world you have a heart. Even more beautiful, I'd say."

James smiled. "That's what Carlos said. That I don't have to be a dick all the time in order to be a model."

"Carlos is smart. He comes off like a kid a lot, but he's actually pretty intelligent."

"Yeah. And he doesn't beat around the bush, he just comes out and says things without worrying how it's going to sound. It's refreshing."

"He's quite a guy," Kendall agreed. "Oh wait, should I not say things like that? Are you going to get jealous again?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the raft. You making Logan and Kevin switch places."

"I wasn't jealous."

"Bullshit. What I'd like it know is who you were jealous of—Logan or me."

"I can't talk about that, Kendall. And it wasn't jealousy."

"It so was!"

"I was worried about Logan, okay? He looked scared."

"And I had it handled. Which bothered you. A lot."

James rolled his eyes. "I didn't bring you on this walk so we could argue. We don't get a lot of time, Kendall, let's not waste it fighting."

"Just admit you were jealous."

"I don't have to." James stopped walking, turning to face Kendall while grabbing his other hand as well. "That's the beauty of being the Bachelor, I'm not really allowed to explain my actions."

"Yet you apologized to Logan for treating him as if he didn't exist."

James' jaw dropped slightly. "Jesus, do you guys tell each other _everything?_"

"Not everything. But a lot. We don't want to end up hating each other when this is over."

An emotion rose in James' eyes that Kendall couldn't name, it wasn't hostile but it certainly wasn't happy. He let go of one hand and dragged Kendall back the way they'd come, and Kendall panicked.

"James. Stop. Can we talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad."

"Okay, but you're something. Is it jealousy?"

"Will you stop? You're as bad as Carlos."

"James, just..." Kendall halted, forcing James to do the same. "Stop," he said softly, pulling James close. "Just forget it. I'm sorry I said anything, just...kiss me. I miss you."

Appearing to melt, James leaned in and captured Kendall's lips, both of them sighing into it as their arms wrapped around each other. When they pulled back, James whispered, "Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"Why do you have to be wonderful? Why couldn't you have just stayed the asshole I thought you were instead of making me fall for you?"

"I have to give everyone a chance, Kendall. I can't focus on just one person."

"I'm not asking you to. But give me this, little moments like this so I know I'm still in the running."

James cradled Kendall's face in his hands and whispered, "Trust me. My feelings don't change when I'm not with you. I don't want you any less when we're apart."

"But you want others more. Not more than me, necessarily, but more than you did in the beginning."

"Yes, that's true. I won't lie about that. I'm meeting amazing people who affect me more than I thought possible. But you do that, too. You're still in the running, okay?"

"Okay," Kendall replied softly, then kissed James sweetly. "You are going to take Logan for a walk, right? He needs that."

"Really? In one breath you're asking for reassurance and in the next you're pushing me toward Logan?"

"I can't help it," Kendall shrugged. "He's a great guy."

"You're not used to putting yourself first, are you? Forever the captain at heart."

Kendall blushed and started walking again, James' hand tight in his. "I make sure everyone's taken care of."

"Even if it means you're not?"

"But I am. You just told me I was. So now I can focus on everyone else."

"Or at least Logan. Because you _like_ Logan. A lot."

"Oh, there's that jealousy again." Beaming, Kendall commented, "Guess I know the answer to my question now."

"Shut up, you don't know anything."

"I know enough," Kendall smirked as they neared the picnic. "Logan! Your turn!"

Logan looked up from the orange he'd been peeling, quickly wiping his hands on a napkin before standing.

"Bring that with you!" James called out. "I'm still hungry."

Kendall winked at him as they passed, making Logan chuckle as he broke apart the orange and handed half to James.

"What, you're not gonna feed it to me?"

"Oh, please, you're a grown man." Logan started walking, James laughing as he moved into place next to him.

"Wow, with you I guess I'm on my own."

"I've got enough to worry about without having to feed you, too."

"Yeah?" James popped an orange slice into his mouth. "Like what?"

This would be the perfect time, and yet once again Logan held back. He'd decided earlier that if he didn't get a one-on-one date next week, he'd make sure to tell James no matter what, especially after James had shown him such kindness on the raft; James deserved to know. "Well, I do run the library."

"Totally? I thought you just worked there or were like...an assistant or something."

"No, it's under my command. Being away from it's hard. I don't like leaving it in someone else's hands for so long."

"I'll bet. Feel like you left your little kid at home with a babysitter?" James chuckled.

Logan's head swung around fast. Did James already know? But James wasn't even looking at him, he was biting into another slice of fruit and licking at the juice dripping down his chin. "Here." Logan passed him a wipe, which he'd brought along in his pocket for this express purpose.

"Thanks." He finished the orange, then cleaned his hands before pocketing the wipe. "So how did you end up being a librarian? Just always liked books?"

"No, I was originally going to be a neurosurgeon."

"A brain doctor? Really?"

"Yep. The workings of the mind fascinate me."

"Wouldn't that fall under psychology?"

"Somewhat, but you'd be surprised how much the physical brain affects emotion and thought processes. It isn't just hormones, though again—the physical brain has a lot to do with those, too." Logan finished his pieces of orange, irritated that he didn't have anything to wipe his hands with; sticky fingers annoyed him.

"You have this way of talking to me that doesn't make me feel like an idiot. You're the first smart person I've ever met who can do that, not make me feel stupid."

Touched, Logan said, "Ignorant doesn't necessarily mean stupid. And I'm not calling you ignorant in a bad way, I mean it more as uneducated. Damn, that sounds bad, too. I just mean you haven't learned the information, and that doesn't make you stupid—just uninformed."

James laughed, reaching out for James' hand. "It's okay, I didn't take it in a bad way. And that's my point exactly." When Logan pulled his hand out of reach, James frowned.

"My hands are sticky. You don't want to hold them."

"What, from the orange? Come here." James whisked out the wipe, running it over Logan's hand. "It's used, but it's better than nothing. Give me your other hand."

It had been a long time since someone took care of Logan, rather than the other way around, and Logan allowed James to clean him. "Thanks," he said softly.

"Anytime." James pocketed the soiled wipe again and this time when he held out his hand, Logan took it. "So what happened to the brain doctor thing?"

"Oh, I got married. Ended up having to make money instead of going to school full-time."

"Ever think about going back?"

"Ever think about singing again?"

As an attempt at diversion, it worked. "Not really. It was fun, but I like modeling better."

"What happens when you can't model anymore?"

"Then we'll see what happens. By that time I may be married and ready to settle down. You never know," James winked at him.

"But for now, you want to continue what you're doing?"

"I think so. Don't repeat this to anyone, but I'm getting bored."

"With what?" Logan found it funny that James seemed to forget this would air at some point in time, and possibly his "secrets" would be told to the world. He also figured they should turn back now, but as James didn't mind being away for too long, he certainly wasn't going to say anything.

"Everything. I love modeling but...I don't know. I don't get the rush I used to. I've been turning down more jobs lately, jobs that would be good for my career. Lana...have I mentioned Lana to you?"

"I don't think so?"

"She's my best friend. Also my stylist. She knows me probably better than anyone else in the world, even my own mom. She thinks I need something more in my life. Something to fulfill me, because modeling doesn't always do that anymore."

Logan swallowed, his heart beating faster. "What sort of fulfillment?"

"I'm not sure. Just something that doesn't leave me feeling empty."

"A husband would do that for you. Or even a serious boyfriend."

"Yeah, I'm not so good at those."

"Have you tried a lot?"

"A few. They don't last."

"Why not?" Logan asked. "Can't handle the busy schedule? The fame? The long-distance thing?"

"Uh...no. It's not them who ends it. It's me. I get bored and start to wander. With my body."

"Ah. And that...is something you think you can change?"

"I _know_ it's something I can change. The question is, do I want to?"

"It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't, James. You have to be true to yourself."

"See? This is why I like talking to you. I couldn't say this to the other guys, they'd judge me."

"Kendall wouldn't."

The reply didn't sit well with James, that much Logan could sense immediately. James' grip tightened and his mouth appeared to harden.

"I just mean that Kendall's open-minded."

"He'd demand faithfulness."

"So would I. So would most people. If you're looking to find a man in this group who won't, I think you'll be disappointed."

"I'm not looking for that. I just don't really know what I want, and jealousy is a new emotion for me. It never bothered me to sleep around before because it never bothered me to think of the guys I was with sleeping around. Does that make sense?"

"It does, actually. And now you're meeting people that make you feel differently? Like you'd have a problem if they were with someone else?"

"Yes! I'm not used to it! It's driving me crazy!"

Logan chuckled, squeezing James' hand. "Welcome to love, James. It's scary and frustrating and can drive you mad, but it's so worth it when it works out. And we should really get back."

"Shit. You're right."

They turned around to head back to the picnic area, walking in a comfortable silence for a while until James said, "If you're wondering why I haven't kissed you yet, it's because I don't trust myself."

"I wasn't, but it's um...nice to know."

"It's not that I don't want to."

"You don't owe me anything, James."

"And you don't pressure me, either. I like that."

Logan smiled up at James. "I'm glad. I figure if you want to kiss me, you will."

"But I do want to."

"Obviously not badly enough," Logan responded in a flirty tone, surprising even himself.

James halted, his gaze darkening as he stared down at Logan. "Don't ever think that."

_There_ was the intensity that rocked Logan every time, that broke open the part of him he tried to keep closed. Breath catching in his throat, he opened his mouth to meet James' when it crashed down over his, James' hands tugging hard on his hair to bend his head further back. Never had he lost the ability to reason like this, never had someone so completely assaulted his senses that he forgot his surroundings and could think of nothing but _more_ and _need_. "James," he whispered desperately, hands clutching at James' shirt and fisting into it for something to hold onto as his mouth was devoured.

When James stepped back he was breathing heavy, their exhales in time with each other as they both looked away; James turned completely away, focusing on the small group in the distance while Logan stared down at his feet.

"Go on," James commanded hoarsely. "I'll be there in a minute."

Logan nodded, heading back toward the picnic without a backward glance at James. He was mostly calm by the time he arrived, Kendall standing to greet him.

"I see the passion's still there," was all he said.

Logan went for a cold bottle of water, swallowing it down before responding. "Well, if nothing else, the sex would probably be great between us."

"That's something." Logan was quiet, and Kendall continued, "Hey. Don't feel guilty. This is what we all came here for."

Nodding, Logan watched James approach and once again, it was as if it had never happened even though he imagined more than just Kendall had witnessed their kiss.

"You guys all ready to go? We're riding horses back up to the plane."

Kendall frowned. "Horses? I don't do horses."

Logan chuckled. "You do now. Come on, Kendall. This time I'll hold _your_ hand."

As they walked up a trail toward their destination, James caught Logan's eye. He smiled, and Logan's lips widened into an answering one.

He missed that mouth already.

* * *

><p>Logan assisted Kendall getting on his horse, giggling at Kendall's lack of coordination. Kendall told him to shut up, that he'd never been on a horse before and "that's the last time I help you when you're scared."<p>

"Okay, okay. Sorry. It's just...that was a life-threatening experience. This is a horse."

"You were never in any danger, Logan."

"And neither are you. Relax."

"This is a living, breathing creature that can throw me off if it decides it doesn't like me. I do have a career to worry about."

"And I have a child," Logan responded quietly. "You wouldn't have let me die, and I won't let you. You're fine. Try talking to him, get to know him. This is Knight."

"Of course it is. I bet James did that on purpose."

With a chuckle Logan mounted his own horse. "And mine is Stud. What does that say about me?" Logan giggled.

"That you're a whore who's fathered a lot of children."

They both cracked up, but it died quickly for Logan. "I think he might know. He made a comment earlier...and now this. I think he's messing with my head."

"Or giving you the courage to tell him. Maybe you should."

"If I get a one-on-one. Or the next time I'm alone with him, maybe. It hasn't felt right."

"Logan, he deserves to know."

"I know, okay?"

They looked up as John called them all to attention, explaining simple commands and that the horses were used to inept riders but it would help to relax and "get to know your horse."

Kendall grinned at Logan. "You know your stuff."

"I used to ride a lot as a kid. And Caroline loves them, I take her riding when I can. Someday I'd like to buy her one."

The group set off on the long ride back, Kendall and Logan at the rear. Logan kept an eye on Kendall and his horse when his gaze wasn't glued to James, who looked better than any human should on a horse.

"He seems to know what he's doing," Kendall commented.

"He does. He's no stranger to horses. I think that's the happiest I've seen him since we met him."

"I've...actually seen him happy like that before."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. On our date. Not to be a dick about it."

"No, it's fine. So he loves sports and horses. Who knew?"

"Damn, he looks good on a horse," Kendall remarked in admiration.

Logan chuckled. "I was thinking the same thing. You can ride up further if you want, go shove Will out of the way."

"No, I'm good right here. Let them fight for his attention, I think you and I are set for a while."

"In what way?"

"With James, I mean. He keeps reminding me that his feelings don't change when we're apart. I'm sure it's the same with you."

Logan nodded, thinking of their kiss; the magic had definitely still been there.

About two miles from town, Logan's horse jolted him when its foot sank into a hole, resulting in what John said looked like a sprained ankle. Logan agreed, and it was decided that he would walk the horse back to town. James instructed everyone else to follow John ahead, and at the irritated expressions that greeted that he said, "I'd do the same for any of my boys. Go on, I'll be there soon."

Nervous beyond belief at the prospect of being alone with James for that long, Logan gave Kendall a panicked look.

"I'm not leaving him, James."

"Excuse me?" James glared in disbelief at Kendall.

"Kendall, it's fine," Logan said. "Go ahead."

"I'm not riding this thing without you there. What if it throws me?"

"It's not going to throw you."

"You don't know that."

"You can stay, it's fine," James interrupted.

Neither of them knew how to take that. He'd seemed annoyed at first but now welcomed it?

Kendall climbed down from his horse and took the reins, and the three started walking their horses in the wake of the others, Logan in the middle.

"It's not far, just a couple of miles," James reassured them, but truthfully neither minded-time spent with James was hard to come by.

"So you ride horses?" Logan asked after an awkward silence had fallen.

"When I can. One of my favorite things to do. I have a horse that I hardly ever get to ride."

"Where?" Kendall asked.

"In L.A. There's a stable on my property, and I have a woman who looks after him. He's my baby. I feel bad because he's alone a lot, though Michelle takes good care of him." James smirked at the expressions on their faces. "Surprised you, didn't I? You guys need to quit assuming things about me."

"Tell us more, then," Kendall suggested. "We need to make an informed decision, too."

"What do you want to know?"

"What's a day in the life of James Diamond like?"

"Depends on whether I'm working or home or out of town. If I'm working...well, you can imagine. High pressure, everything's rushed and crazy and there's no time to even breathe."

"And do you like that?" Logan asked curiously.

"Most of the time. Lately it's seemed like a lot to deal with."

Kendall chimed in with, "And when you're home?"

"When I'm home I spend a lot of time with Fame. That's my horse. But there are parties here and there, and there's also Lana, who lives with me and keeps me sane. And there are dates that turn into more. Actually, I'm lying; usually there isn't much dating involved, it's an excuse to get laid."

Logan blinked at James' candor, Kendall shaking his head. "You do realize all this is going to be aired at some point, right?"

"I have nothing to hide, and I'm not ashamed. I don't do anything illegal, no drugs and actually not a lot of drinking, either. That's one area of fame I fail miserably at," he grinned ruefully.

Logan smiled and reached out to pat James' back. "I don't see that as a failure. I admire it."

"Yeah? Even though I'm a slut?" When Logan and Kendall both laughed, James shrugged. "That's a sticking point for you two, isn't it? You demand a faithful partner?"

"I do," Logan answered immediately.

"I'm afraid I agree," Kendall said. "We've talked about that."

James nodded, staring ahead as he said, "It's become something I insist on as well. Never thought I'd say that. I've discovered there's a part of me that doesn't like to share."

Neither replied to that, but it certainly got their hearts racing.

As the little town appeared over a rise, James ventured, "So Kendall. How about a day in your life?"

"Me? Well, there's hockey of course, and when the season's on that's pretty much my life. Every waking moment is hockey."

"What about when it's off-season?" Logan asked.

"I'm home with my family. In Minnesota. I have a house there and spend the time with them and with my friends. Mostly my little sister and my mom, though Mom's married now so I try not to bother her too much. He's a good guy, though, makes my mom really happy."

"Are you and your sister close?"

Kendall nodded in answer to James' question. "Very. When Dad took off, my mom had to work so I raised her a lot of the time. She's six years younger than me. Beware when you come home with me, James. She'll put you through the wringer to make sure you're good enough for me."

James only smiled, not addressing Kendall's assumption, before asking, "And you, Logan? What do you do besides the library? Or is that pretty much it?"

It was the perfect opportunity. Logan glanced to his right, Kendall nodding minutely in encouragement and Logan knew that if James wasn't there Kendall would have grabbed his hand. He glanced to his left and met deep hazel eyes that were honestly curious, and felt a moment of terror like he hadn't known since realizing Jane was gone forever. How had James managed to get under his skin so completely and so quickly? The thought of James sending him home scared Logan more than he'd imagined it would now that the moment was upon him.

He chose to focus on Caroline, on the beautiful face that smiled up at him every day, the bright blue eyes that favored him with such worship and made him feel like a hero with a simple Band-Aid placed on her knee (of course the kiss to her boo-boo helped, too). She was waiting for him at home, and the ache had been stifled because Logan had needed it to be, but this was when fate would decide her future-and his as well.

He opened his mouth to let the words fall where they may. "I work during the week, pick my daughter up from daycare in the evening and then we go home and have dinner, watch some T.V. or play some games. My mom comes over on the weekends and we go out after I put in a few hours at the library on Saturday morning."

One glance to his left was enough to show Logan that James hadn't known, hadn't even had an inkling, because James wasn't there; he'd stopped walking at some point, probably right after the word "daughter" was uttered.

Logan drew to a halt as well, Kendall stopping next to him to watch James carefully. Looking back over his shoulder, Logan waited as his heart tried to beat out of his chest.

"You...have a child?"

What Logan saw and heard from James was shock, and probably complete bafflement as to how he should handle this. "I do. She's five. Her name is Caroline."

James studied Logan, who waited it out. "Where is she right now?"

"At home. My mom's living there until I get back, taking care of her." Logan sensed Kendall behind him, a solid wall of support if he needed it, and was glad he'd done this while Kendall was present; it helped a little bit, at least, to know that if James rejected him, Kendall would be waiting with strong arms to comfort him and remind him it was for the best.

James started walking again, slowly, leading his horse as he moved. "Do they let you talk to her at all? While you're here?"

"For a few minutes every night." Once Logan was moving forward again, Kendall kept pace. With a chuckle Logan said, "Last night when I called she was kicking Mom's ass at Candyland."

James laughed, surprising them both. "Lana's niece always kills me on that one. You wouldn't think it'd be so hard to win."

"It's all about how the cards are stacked."

"True. But it still pisses me off that a four-year-old can beat me at anything. What else does she like?"

"Caroline? She loves to ride horses and go to the zoo and her favorite things to watch on T.V. are Animal Planet and 'Diego.' She intends to be a veterinarian when she grows up."

"What the heck is 'Diego'?" Kendall asked.

"It's a show on Nickelodeon. He's Dora the Explorer's cousin."

"Dora," James muttered. "Of course. No wonder Carlos was asking me all those questions about kids! He knows about her, right?"

"Yes, he does," Logan frowned. "He was asking you about kids?"

"Yesterday. He wouldn't let up."

Exchanging a glance with Kendall, Logan opened his mouth but then closed it; James looked entirely overwhelmed.

The awkward silence was back, the three entering town when James suddenly broke it. "I bet you miss her a lot, don't you?"

"More than you can imagine."

James nodded, and then they were hailed by the small group of contestants waiting near the outpost. He led the three horses to John and joined the other guys, and once again it was as if the entire conversation had never happened.

"It doesn't matter what he thinks," Kendall said softly from behind Logan. "If he sends you home, it's for the best and was never meant to be."

Nodding, Logan nonetheless wished that just once, what he wanted was meant to be.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I love that you guys have all picked your favorite to win, but I'm going to say it again—do not assume it's going to end up a certain way. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I now know who's going to win. The story is written in my head. At any one point it may seem that there's a clear winner, but as we'll see more and more, James changes his mind depending on his emotions, and none of these guys are perfect. Obviously not everyone will be happy with the outcome, as there can be only one winner, but that's exactly what the show is like. This last season I was raging at the outcome; I hated the chick he chose and wondered if he was insane. You get so involved and want to see your favorite win, but that doesn't always happen. Then again, sometimes it does! You won't know for sure who James chooses until almost the last chapter of this story, no matter what happens in the meantime. Just please don't give up at any point because you think your guy isn't going to win—the ending may surprise you. ;)

Also, it's interesting that there's the jealousy aspect in this story. Since they're all the same sex and gay, there are bonds being formed among the contestants that you don't see on the T.V. show. With the exception of one chick from the last season (who I swear wanted to make out with all the other women), you don't have that problem. In this story, though, you do—there's a lot of jealousy floating around from all directions. It makes things more fun haha.

This chapter wraps up week 3. It feels like so much has happened already, but really it's only three weeks in. Crazy.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>The final part of the group date was a partybarbecue thrown in the pool area of the hotel. They had the place to themselves other than the staff catering and supplying them with necessities, and James managed to get all of the men in the pool with him for a game of volleyball.

The problem was that most of the guys, Logan included, had a hard time focusing on anything other than James in a speedo. He couldn't help feeling that James knew this and used it to his advantage, sinking Logan's team of Kendall and Max while he jumped around with water dripping off his rippling muscles and glorious abs. Logan hadn't doubted his homosexuality before coming here, but James certainly had a way of cementing it with every move.

What both Logan and Kendall really hated was the way James' teammates found reasons to touch him as often as they could.

After the sun set they changed into warmer clothing and met up again at the pool area for dinner and drinks. James flitted from man to man, much like Carlos had that first night, and neither of them knew what to expect from James in regards to Logan. He hadn't excluded Logan from anything, but he hadn't done anything to make Logan feel like he was wanted, either. Then again, James never did around the other guys.

Inevitably James started taking them off one by one for a little private time, and each of them was glad James and whatever man he happened to be with was out of eyesight; no one wanted to witness another make-out session as they had the previous week with Kendall.

After returning with the second man, James nodded his head at Kendall, who stood quickly to follow James to a bench on of the other side of the pool.

"Hi," Kendall began hesitantly, not sure what James wanted from him, though he was tempted to simply sit on James' lap and go for it.

"Hey," James smiled, his face lighting up as he pulled Kendall down next to him. "You doing okay?"

"I'm great."

"Have fun today?"

"Yeah. I was a little nervous about the horse, but I'm sure it was nothing compared to your freakout over the fish," Kendall teased, trying to kill some of the awkwardness that seemed to be cropping up; Kendall hated any kind of awkward with James, especially after they'd come so far.

"Be quiet, you." He reached for Kendall's hand, clasping it tight. "I can't believe you've never been on a horse."

"I can't believe you've never been fishing."

"I have, just not for a lot of years. Besides, Carlos loved being able to teach me something. It made him feel good about himself."

"I'll bet it did. I'm still surprised he didn't come home bragging about it last night."

And here they were talking about Carlos again. What had changed in the time since the picnic? James had assured Kendall that his feelings wouldn't change and yet somehow something had. He knew he'd done nothing wrong and wondered if it had to do with the discovery of Caroline.

"Yeah, that surprises me, too," James said now. "I assumed he would."

"Now who's making assumptions?" Kendall joked.

"Good point."

What scared Kendall most was the fact that James wasn't looking him in the eye much. Before he hadn't been able to take his eyes off Kendall. "Did...something change, James?" He silently berated himself for asking, hating that he sounded like a whiny girlfriend.

"In what way?"

Now he had James' attention. "I don't know. You said your feelings don't change when we're apart, but something sure did. I feel it."

James sighed, squeezing Kendall's hand tighter. "I'm doing a horrible job of keeping my feelings a secret tonight, apparently."

"What is it? You can talk to me."

"I know." James smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss. "That's one of the things I love about you. I feel comfortable talking to you, opening up to you."

When James offered nothing more, Kendall ventured, "Is it Logan?" There was flash in James' eyes that was gone in a second, but it was enough. "It hit you hard that he has a kid, didn't it?"

"I'm not discussing it with you, Kendall."

"I know you can't, but...James, it's okay to be in shock. It's a big deal. And a big step."

"I just wasn't expecting it. It seems like I say that a lot about Logan." James immediately regretted the words, shutting down once they were out. "Look, I don't want to talk about him. Or Carlos. I'm almost out of time with you for the night and what I'd love more than anything is for you to just..."

He couldn't finish it, but Kendall knew what he needed. "Make you forget," he said softly, seeing the relief in James' eyes right before they kissed and James' hands came up to roughly pull him closer until Kendall was on his lap. The awkwardness disappeared and it was the two of them alone, losing themselves in each other as the passion took over to leave them breathless and wanting.

"I get the feeling sex with you would be incredible," James murmured against Kendall's lips.

"Hope we get the chance to find out," Kendall replied in a whisper, sensing James was trying to pull himself together and that their time was almost over. "I never thought I could feel this way about you. It would be easier if I didn't."

"Don't fight your feelings, Kendall. If you do, you'll never be happy. Let yourself be happy for a change, take what you want and don't let anything stop you."

"I usually do go after what I want."

"Do you usually get it?" James asked with a smirk.

"Always."

"Fuck, that's hot." Blowing out a breath, James pushed Kendall off his lap. "Get back there, let me cool down before I talk to Logan."

"Good luck with that," Kendall teased. "You're pretty damn hot right about now."

"Shut up and go send him over here. But give me a few minutes."

Laughing, Kendall made his way back to the table where he'd left Logan.

"I take it that went well."

Kendall shrugged, not wanting to brag. "We definitely have great chemistry."

"Yeah, I saw enough of that last week, thank you very much. At least this time you guys were hidden."

Kendall sat back in his chair, stretching out his legs. "You're up next."

"I am?" Logan was immediately tense.

"You are. He asked me to send you over. Just around the pool, there's a bench."

"Oh shit. Okay." Wiping his palms on his pants, Logan asked, "How did he seem? Did he give any clues at all?"

"I know he took it hard. I got that much out of him. Sort of."

"Right." Inhaling a deep breath before letting it out, Logan said, "So. Give it to me. Is he sending me home tomorrow night?"

"I don't honestly know, Logan. I hope not. He didn't freak out completely earlier."

"No, but he's good at hiding his feelings."

"Not from me, he isn't. I knew right away something was on his mind tonight. It really is heavy on his mind, Logan. I think you were probably right up there with me as a contender, and this hit him hard."

The use of the word "were" didn't slip past Logan. He sighed again, wondering if he should just give up now.

"Don't even think about it. We made a deal."

"You don't even know what I was thinking."

"Yes, I do. Go over there and talk to him. See what he has to say."

"Fine." Resigning himself to the worst, Logan slid his hands into the pockets of his pants and followed Kendall's directions, coming upon James staring up at the sky. "Hey," he said softly.

James jumped. "Jesus, you're so quiet all the time. Why don't I ever hear you coming?"

"You learn to be quiet when you have a kid. The last thing you want is to wake them up from a nap or be up all night." Logan tried for a smile, relieved when James met it with one of his own.

James stood up and gestured for Logan to sit, and once he did James sat back down. As usual, they kept their distance, and after a few moments of silence James stood up again, restless.

"I'm sorry," Logan tried, figuring he'd better meet this head on.

James shook his head, hands finding their way into his pockets as he turned to face Logan. "When were you gonna tell me?"

"I didn't know how. I kept trying to find the right moment."

"How about the night we met? Or even in the cabin when you told me about your wife?"

Logan's fingers fidgeted with his pants after he dropped his gaze. "I know. I should have. I just didn't know how and..."

"It's a big deal, alright? Getting involved with a man who has a child is a big deal."

"I know that." Logan stood up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I can't change it now. If you're not ready for something like this I completely understand and-"

"And there you go again, assuming things about me. What is it with you guys? Carlos with the fish, Kendall with the prejudice before he even got to know me, and now you with this? Are you so ready to believe I'm a horrible person?"

"Not wanting to raise a child doesn't make you a horrible person, James. It's not for everyone."

"Who says I don't want to?"

"So you do?"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that you never even considered I might be open to it. You've already decided how this is going to end and resigned yourself to going home. Don't argue that, I see it in your eyes." Pacing around the small area, James' hands came out of his pockets but stayed fisted, and Logan knew he was containing a level of anger none of them had witnessed before. "Do you know that out of everyone here, Ryan is the only guy who hasn't made any assumptions about me or acted like he can predict my every move? Don't ever assume anything about me, Logan, because that shit will get you sent home faster than even ten kids would."

Stunned, Logan stared up at James with wide eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "If you brought me over here to teach me a lesson-"

"I brought you over here for a completely different reason," James interrupted in a low voice. Logan's eyes caught a glimpse of crimson before James' right hand disappeared into his pocket; his stomach dropped when he realized it was the rose, and that James had been intending to give it to him. "But that doesn't matter now. Just know that I had no intention of sending you home just because you have a kid. If you think I'm that selfish, then you really don't know me."

Feeling as if he'd ruined it anyway, Logan let go. "It wouldn't make you selfish, James! It's not an insult! Not everybody's meant to be a parent! And if you're so worried about people making assumptions about you, maybe you should tell us how you feel once in a while!"

"You know I can't do that, Logan!"

"Find a way! You don't have to say it out loud to get a thought across! We seem to communicate better without words anyway! I'm a genius, I'll figure it out!"

Suddenly Kendall was there, Logan felt it without even turning around, and he realized everyone must have heard their raised voices. "I'm fine," he spit out through clenched teeth, unsurprised when Kendall laid a hand on his shoulder anyway. It had been years since Logan was so angry, Jane's death the last thing he could remember driving him to this point where he was shaking and upset. It made little sense considering he was the one in the wrong, but something about James stripped away his logic.

James glared at them both before calling out, "Max! Over here!"

Summarily dismissed, Kendall pulled Logan away. He turned back before they went into the hotel, catching sight of James laughing with Max before pulling the rose out of his pocket, and managed to keep the tears at bay until the elevator door closed behind them. Then he collapsed into Kendall, who held him tight and let him cry.

* * *

><p>Rather than return to the main suite, Kendall led Logan straight to their room. He'd expected Carlos to be hanging out with the other guys and was surprised to instead find him snuggled up in bed playing a hand-held video game. Carlos sat up immediately with a smile that died when he caught sight of Logan, and his game dropped to the blanket forgotten. "What happened?"<p>

Without answering Kendall pushed Logan into the bathroom, instructing him to get into the shower. "Don't worry about it, I'll grab you some clothes. Just get in there and let it out." He closed the door and leaned back against it, letting out a sigh as his eyes fell closed.

"Kendall, what's wrong?"

"Hang on." Waiting until he heard water beating on the tiles, Kendall stepped away and said, "He told James about Caroline."

"Oh shit."

"Yeah. I didn't think it was that bad, but they got into a fight and now I don't know what's going to happen."

"James and Logan got into a fight?"

Kendall nodded.

"About what? Was he mad that Logan didn't tell him sooner?"

"I don't know, maybe. All I heard was James yelling 'I can't do that' and Logan saying 'Figure it out.' Or something like that."

"Damn. Is he okay?"

"No. Find him some clothes?"

They got Logan's suitcase onto the bed and dug through it, pulling out a t-shirt and boxers. Kendall came across a tiny framed picture of a smiling blonde woman holding a baby and all the air left his lungs as he realized how terrifying it must be for Logan to open himself up to love again.

"Is that Jane?"

"I think so," Kendall replied. "I can't imagine how hard this must be for him."

"Yeah. He's probably really lonely. It's different for us, we never had that with someone, you know?"

"Well...I had someone special."

"You did? Something serious?" When Kendall's face threatened to shut down, Carlos pounced. "Oh no no no, tell me. Were you married?"

"No. Never married. We couldn't even tell anyone we were together at the time."

"Oh my god. You had a secret lover?"

"It sounds so cheesy when you say it like that," Kendall chuckled, falling back onto his bed. "I had a boyfriend, I guess you'd call it, for three years."

"No way. That's longer than I've even kept an employee. Well, except Steve."

Having no idea who Steve was, Kendall responded, "I'll tell you about it sometime. Right now I'm concerned for Logan."

"So what happened when Logan told him about Caroline?"

"He seemed to take it fine. I mean, he was shocked. _Really_ shocked. But then he asked about her. It wasn't until tonight that I realized how much it bothered him."

"You were there?"

"Yeah, Logan's horse got injured so the three of us walked back to town together. It was nice, James told us a little about himself. Did you know he loves horses?"

"Really? No." Carlos settled himself next to Kendall on the bed, crossing his legs to sit facing the headboard while Kendall scooted over to make room. "What else did he say?"

"Um...that he lives in L.A. with his best friend. That he's getting tired of the modeling life."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm. He also jumped down my throat for assuming he was a dick before meeting him."

"See?" Carlos smacked Kendall on the chest. "I kept telling you to give him a chance."

When Carlos went to move his hand away Kendall kept it there, settling his own over it lightly. Feeling Kendall's heartbeat speed up under his palm, Carlos stared down at him in silence for a long moment.

"Kendall!"

They both jumped, Carlos standing while Kendall rolled off the bed and grabbed Logan's clothes. He opened the bathroom door and passed them in to Logan, who thanked him.

"Are you better?"

"Yes."

"Good." The door closed again but Kendall didn't move, his heart still racing.

"So you didn't get the rose?" Carlos asked from behind him.

"Uh, no. I don't know who did." Kendall stepped back suddenly as the bathroom door was flung open and Logan stormed past him, apparently having dressed in record time.

"Max did."

"Max?" Carlos exclaimed. "That guy? That guy's a douche."

"What are you doing?" Kendall questioned, watching Logan move his dirty clothes from a hamper into his suitcase.

"I'm leaving."

"No, you're not."

"Kendall, let me go."

"No. We had a deal."

"The deal's off. I fucked up, and he's sending me home tomorrow night anyway." Continuing to pack up stray belongings, Logan kept his back to them.

"You don't know that."

"I do." He spun around finally. "I was going to get that rose tonight. He had it ready to give me and then I fucked up and he gave it to Max instead."

"All because you have a kid?" Carlos asked.

"No. But as long as we're on the subject, Carlos, I hear you got his opinion on kids yesterday. It might've been nice to get a little heads up, a little insight on his feelings before I went into this today."

Cheeks coloring, Carlos dropped his gaze.

"What was that about, huh? You trying to feel him out, see how much better your chances were?"

"Logan, I-"

Kendall stepped in front of Carlos. "Back off, Logan. Don't start attacking Carlos because you're hurt."

"Why the hell would he do that and not mention it?"

"I'm sure he had his reasons and that they weren't meant to harm you in any way."

Shoving Kendall out of his path, Carlos said, "I was curious, okay? I'm sorry. Yeah, I wanted to know how good your chances were. It was before we really started talking, before I knew I had a chance with him. You don't know how hard it is to go up against the two of you in a competition, you're both gorgeous and funny and smart and I'm just...me."

"Carlos," Logan sighed, "You're more than you think you are."

"I know that now. James made me feel like I was. But he hadn't at that point and I was scared. I'm sorry, I needed to know if you stood a chance with him."

"Then why didn't you tell me what you found out?"

"Because I didn't find out anything! I couldn't get an answer out of him. If I'd known it was going to end up like this, I would've said something. I promise! I don't want you to leave, man! You guys are like the best friends I've ever had and I don't want to lose either of you!"

"Jesus, come here." Kendall pulled them both into a hug, Carlos clinging tight and Logan finally relaxing. "Logan, if it wasn't about Caroline, then what did you two fight about?"

"We fought about me assuming he'd send me home. And he mentioned you two as well, so you guys need to watch yourselves, too."

"In what way?" Kendall stepped back with a frown.

"He was pissed because I never considered that he might be okay with me having a kid. And he said something about Carlos with a fish and you being prejudiced before meeting him."

Carlos' eyes widened. "He told you about the fish?"

"No, I have no idea what the fish is about."

"I do," Kendall supplied. "I guess he couldn't bring himself to kill the fish he caught and was embarrassed about it."

"Wow," Carlos marveled. "You really do get people to tell you anything."

"Not really, he assumed you would have told us."

"See? So he's assuming things, too."

"That's not the point," Logan argued. "It doesn't matter what _he_ does, what matters is that when we assume he's going to behave a certain way or expect him to have certain opinions, we piss him off. Royally. He said Ryan's the only one who hasn't done that to him yet."

Frustrated sounds from both Carlos and Kendall were the response. "Damn Ryan, I hate that guy!" Carlos exclaimed.

"I thought you liked him," Logan commented in surprise.

"Yeah, but I hate him _because_ I like him. He's probably gonna win this thing because we're all too busy assuming James is gonna pick us," Carlos complained.

"Or send us home," Logan added.

"Okay, status report." Kendall sat down on his bed, Carlos joining him but then scooting away some. Logan lowered himself to his own bed and then Kendall spoke again. "Other than me having that original prejudice, I'm still in good with James. Today went well. Carlos?"

"I haven't seen him since yesterday and we were great. A lot of kissing on the way back, and I got a few kisses at the door, too. Plus I have a rose."

"True. You're not going anywhere. Honestly, I'm not going anywhere either, at least not this week."

When Carlos and Kendall turned their attention to Logan, he shrugged. "I'm going home. I'm pretty sure, guys. And this isn't just me putting myself down, I know he wanted me until this whole thing blew up tonight. I was still good even after telling him about Caroline, but I didn't know that and messed it up and when we left the party, he was pissed. Kendall, you have to admit that."

Kendall nodded reluctantly. "He was angry at you."

"And that's why I want to leave. Because I think there's a good chance he's going to send me home tomorrow night, and if that's the case I might as well leave now. It's better than being humiliated in front of all the other guys."

"You do realize if you leave you have to say goodbye to him, right?" Kendall asked. "You can't just walk out, they make you talk to him."

"Oh. Right. Well...that's fine. I can go talk to him, I'm pretty sure he's not going to stop me. And that way he can focus on the ones who are left, make his decision better tomorrow."

"How many are being eliminated tomorrow anyway?"

"Three," Kendall said in response to Carlos. "Three of us are going home."

"But not you, and not Carlos."

"No, we're good."

Nodding, Logan stood up and started tossing things into his suitcase again.

"Don't go," Carlos begged. "Please. You don't know he's sending you home, and if you go to him now because you think he is, then you're proving him right; you're showing him that you predict what he's gonna do. You were so sure before and you were wrong. Maybe you're wrong this time, too."

"Carlos, you didn't hear him down there. You didn't see his eyes. Whatever he felt for me is gone."

"But you thought that once before, too," Kendall reasoned. "Give him a chance to cool off. I saw the kiss you two shared today. There was something there, so much so that it killed me to watch."

"You saw them kiss?" Carlos said in a hushed voice.

"It was intense, Carlos. James definitely has serious feelings for Logan."

"He _did_," Logan argued. "I don't think he does now."

"See how he acts tomorrow night at the rose ceremony. Remember, we have that little party before and I'm sure he'll talk to you, probably apologize for yelling. You know how he is with you, he feels bad and makes it better."

"He did that _once_, Kendall."

"Maybe he'll do it again. But you won't know if you leave now." When Logan still looked unconvinced, Kendall added, "I know you miss Caroline. I know there's a part of you that's dying to get on a plane right now and run home to her, to the safety and familiarity of what you've built. But if there's a chance that one day James Diamond can be part of that family waiting for you at home, isn't that worth hanging around one more night?"

"Please, Logan," Carlos said again. "Stay. Do it for me if nothing else."

"You? Why do you need me?"

"Because. You're my friend. You stayed with me when I was scared to ski. You make me feel like I'm cool enough to hang out with a genius. I don't meet many of those, you know."

Rolling his eyes, Logan said, "You're cool enough to hang with a genius, okay? A hot hockey player, too."

Kendall beamed. "Thank you, Logan. You're pretty hot yourself."

"Haven't we already been through this?" Logan giggled.

"Yeah, what about me? I'm hot too, right?"

Kendall shoved Carlos off the bed, laughing as he fell onto the floor. "How many times do I have to tell you you're gorgeous before you believe it?"

"I think I've only heard it once. Say it again."

"Go to bed." Kendall kicked Carlos lightly before sobering and returning his focus to Logan. "Stay. Please. Save me from this guy."

"I hate you guys." Logan moved his suitcase onto the floor and climbed into bed.

"Which means he loves us," Carlos clarified.

"And that he's staying." After helping Carlos up from the floor, Kendall flipped off the light switch, not even caring that he was still dressed. "Goodnight, guys," he called out as he slid under the covers.

From his left Carlos said the same, and when Logan was silent Kendall tried again. "Goodnight, Logan. Four more weeks. You can do this."

Logan seriously doubted it would be more than twenty-four hours, but he answered them with a goodnight of his own and closed his eyes. The last thing he saw every night before dropping off to sleep was a vision of Caroline in her bed, her Spongebob nightlight casting a yellow glow over her tiny face as she slept peacefully. Tonight there was an addition to that vision, a tall brunette bent over to kiss her cheek before pulling the covers up higher, then smiling up at Logan.

"She's beautiful," James would say and then take his hand, leading him to their own room.

Tears stained Logan's cheeks as he silently yelled at his brain for giving him that scene to play in his mind. As a genius, he knew the probability of that vision ever coming to life was too small to even fathom; his heart, however, held on to the hope that even geniuses could be wrong sometimes.

* * *

><p>Having nothing to do the following day, the guys distracted themselves with games, food, and the pool. Carlos teased the other two that by the time it was over they'd be as dark as him instead of pasty white boys, to which Kendall shoved him in the pool.<p>

Looking for vengeance Carlos challenged Kendall to a video game in the main suite, but Kendall showed off impressive skills that left Carlos in awe. "Dude, since when do you kick ass at video games?"

"I have a little sister, remember? That was our favorite way to decide who got stuck cleaning up the kitchen after dinner."

Both kept Logan within eyesight, still fearful he'd take off, but their worries were unfounded; he couldn't leave while James was off on a date with Scott anyway, and he was content to spend the time playing cards with Ryan while the other two battled it out in front of the massive television.

Late in the afternoon the men were all discussing that it was about time to go pack and prepare for the ceremony when a man entered the suite and then left with Scott's luggage. Shocked silence hovered over the room, everyone gaping at each other. They all knew a one-on-one date meant it could be over in a flash, but this was solid proof that if James didn't see a future with you, he wouldn't hesitate to send you home.

"Oh my god," Peter finally whispered. "Scott."

Knowing that Peter had been closest to Scott, Kendall went over to him and squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man."

Carlos joined them, sitting on Peter's other side while Kendall stood above. He didn't say anything, just offered his presence, and Kendall knew that for him it was difficult to keep his silence when he probably had so many things he wanted to say.

"So does this mean he's only eliminating two tonight?"

No one had to ask who Jerry was referring to. "Yes," Logan answered. "Scott took the place of one."

The mood was somber as the group dispersed, heading back to their rooms to pack and prepare for the rose ceremony. Carlos didn't bother to gather his belongings, knowing he would have time after the party, and instead spent most of his time aiding the other two in looking irresistible. Logan took a few minutes to call Caroline and that calmed him down a bit, forcing him to focus on what was waiting for him at home should he be sent home tonight.

James of course gave no hint as to what had gone wrong with Scott, greeting the group with smiles and hugs as he mingled and then took men away for private time. He seemed to spend a much longer time with Ryan than he had anyone else, which worried everyone since he'd been seeming to focus more on those he hadn't spent any time alone with.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos staked out a little corner table like the one they'd "owned" in L.A., knowing James would find them if he chose to and making small talk to pass the time. They were giggling over something Kendall had said when Carlos suddenly blurted out, "Logan! Oh my god, I just realized! He didn't hug you!"

Logan had of course noticed that, and it was obvious Kendall had as well when he chastised Carlos. "Dude, he already feels bad enough about it. Thanks for bringing it up."

"It's fine," Logan commented, squeezing Kendall's hand once before returning it to his lap. "Other than the fact that I'll miss you guys like crazy, it's almost a relief to know I'm going home. Every time I talk to Caroline I miss her more."

"You don't know that, Logan. Just because he didn't even look at you-"

"Carlos! Stop! Jesus, remind me to never let you cheer me up." Kendall shook his head, feeling bad when Carlos looked guilty. He laid a hand over Carlos', adding, "It's okay. We know you're trying to help."

A shadow fell over them and they all glanced up to see James' gaze focused on their clasped hands. Kendall pulled his away almost guiltily before James said, "Carlos. A few moments?"

"Of course!"

They watched James lead him away after making a point of holding Carlos' hand tight as if to claim his territory.

"Wow," Logan remarked. "He wasn't kidding. He does not like to share. Good luck dealing with his insane jealousy once this is over."

"Like you wouldn't give anything to deal with that 'hardship.'"

Logan offered a wan smile before standing up to grab another beer.

* * *

><p>"God, I missed you," was the first thing out of James' mouth once they were alone, and after that there wasn't a whole lot of talking. Carlos had missed James, too, and needed the reassurance that James still wanted him. James left him with no doubt, the two panting when they finally pulled apart.<p>

Carlos couldn't stop smiling, James chuckling before saying, "Hi. Should we try a normal conversation now?"

"I guess, now that we got the good stuff out of the way. Hi, James. How are you?"

"Not too bad, thanks. Much better after a few minutes alone with you."

Beaming, Carlos joked, "You should make that happen more often, then."

"So demanding." James let out a sigh and sat down on the bench, pulling Carlos down onto his lap.

"I relax you. You let things go when I'm with you."

"Somewhat. You have a way of getting me to loosen up."

"It's a gift. One you should keep around to open whenever you need it."

"Hush, you're not going anywhere tonight. You don't need to plead your case." James hugged Carlos to him, kissing his neck and threading his fingers through Carlos' short locks.

"God, James, I'd better get a sex date out of you. You're driving me crazy."

"Just be quiet and kiss me."

Carlos was more than happy to oblige until the sound of a throat clearing interrupted them. He pulled back and bit his lip to keep from yelling at whoever had forced his way into their moment, turning to see Peter standing there.

"Guys, I'm sorry, but I really needed to talk to James before the ceremony."

Hopping off of James' lap, Carlos managed a smile. "It's cool. See you later, James."

"Bye, Carlos. What's up, Peter?"

Carlos left them to it, returning to his buddies at the small table.

"How'd it go?" Kendall asked.

"Great, until Peter showed up. We were having such a nice make-out session, too."

As usual, Logan couldn't find it in him to resent Carlos. Instead he chuckled and said, "Poor baby. You'll get your chance next time, I'm sure."

"I hope so. He seems pretty tense tonight."

"Really?" Kendall commented with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah. Said I always help him loosen up."

"I'm sure that whatever he's decided about Logan, it's hard. He really cares about you, you know."

"I know," Logan answered quietly, eyes on his beer bottle. "But that's not enough in a situation like this. What matters is the long run, who he can see himself happy with in ten years. He definitely wants to settle down, even if he's only hinted at it so far. I wish you both the best of luck."

They smiled and clinked bottles, Peter suddenly there. "Kendall, he's asking for you."

"Damn, that was fast!" Carlos exclaimed. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Peter nodded. "I just...screwed up with him earlier and needed to fix it if I could. Before it was too late, you know?"

They all did know. Kendall left with Peter and Carlos said, "You know, maybe you should try to fix it. It's not too late, Logan. Just talk to him, like Peter did."

"At this point anything I say is only going to make it worse. He's made up his mind, Carlos. I can apologize, but I can't take back what I said or did."

"So you're ready to just give up? Be one of those that doesn't even get walked out to the limo, just let him dismiss you without a word?"

"I'll have a quick moment to say goodbye. And I will apologize and wish him the best of luck. He deserves to be happy."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"It's not stubborn, it's accepting what fate has in store for you. If James isn't the one for me and Caroline, then someone else is. Better to move on and find him than prolong the inevitable."

"Whatever, man. I just know I wouldn't give up that easily."

Logan smiled, reaching up to hold Carlos' hand briefly. "And that's one of the reasons I like you so much."

* * *

><p>Kendall approached with a sense of déjà vu, the scene feeling like a repeat of the previous night—James waiting near the same bench, him going into it unsure of what James was thinking. He hadn't missed the way James glared at him the night before when he came to Logan's rescue, though he'd kept his fears to himself; Logan wasn't the only one on slippery ground, he thought.<p>

"You uh...wanted me?"

James spun around, hands in pockets as he faced Kendall. "Hey."

"Hi."

There was the dreaded silence following, Kendall's heart thundering as it drew out. James was searching for words, and Kendall found he suddenly didn't want to hear them. It was no wonder Logan was ready to run rather than face this.

"I'm not discussing Logan," James finally stated.

"I'm not asking you to."

"What happens between him and me stays between us."

"He's my friend."

"He was my possible future husband. I'd say that gives me more right to him than it does you."

_He was. Oh shit, James, no. Don't send him home. _ Kendall's face fell as he blinked back tears at the prospect of losing Logan. "I take care of my friends," Kendall said slowly, fighting to control his emotions.

"I understand that, and I admire it, but you need to remember why you came here in the first place."

"I came here to find love."

"With _me_, Kendall. With _me_."

"You're jealous of Logan? You think this is easy for any of us, having to watch you fall for other guys? What right do you have to be jealous of anyone?"

"You're assuming things again. I'm getting really fucking fed up with that."

"You know what? You want to send me home? Fine. Do it."

James swallowed, gaze intense as he asked, "Is that really what you want, Kendall? You're done with me already?"

"James...fuck. No, of course not. Come here." When he pulled James into his arms, James didn't fight it, sinking into the embrace. "Why does it seem like we're always fighting anymore? We have something special and I don't want to lose that."

"I don't either," James whispered, and now his arms slid around Kendall to cling tight. "I'm not used to this, feelings these things. I don't know how to handle it."

"Just relax," Kendall murmured into James' ear. "Don't take it all so seriously." He trailed his lips down James' neck, feeling James fall against him in surrender. "However it works out is how it's meant to be. Either one of us with you or you with someone else, as long as we're happy that's what matters."

"I don't know what I want, and it scares me."

"I know." Kendall leaned away to run a thumb over James' lips, then kissed them softly. "I'm not going anywhere unless you make me. If you ever need to talk, or just to be held in silence for a while, I'm here. I can be your friend too, you know."

James took a deep, steadying breath before standing up straight. "Thank you. It helps knowing that there's someone here who can be that for me, a person to lean on."

"I'll be whatever you need me to be. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm pretty far gone on you already. Whatever you need, James."

James kissed him then, not hungry or desperate but as if savoring it. "It's almost time for the ceremony. I'll see you in there."

"I'll be there." Kendall offered James a smile. "But can we stop fighting? It's such a waste of the short time we do have together."

"Deal," James grinned. "From now on, we spend all our time kissing. Or...whatever I need."

"Exactly." Kendall lifted James' hand and kissed it, James melting as he had the first night they were alone. "Do what you have to do tonight, and I'll be waiting for you when we hit the next town. If you keep me tonight, that is."

"Go on," was all James said, and Kendall did.

He was torn between hope regarding James and sadness for what he now knew was to be his last moments with Logan. Stepping up to the table at which his two new best friends were seated, he held out his arms. "Guys, tonight could change everything. I've never felt so uncertain as I do going into this, and I just want to tell you both how incredible you are and that I'm richer for knowing you. Promise me, swear it, that when this is over we can still be friends."

"Aww." Carlos shot up out of his chair, hugging Kendall tight. "If you guys both leave I'm going to be so lonely. I need you guys!"

"You'll be okay," Logan soothed, standing up to be included in the embrace. "Everyone likes you, just continue being yourself. It's going to be fine. And when this is all over, I expect a phone call from you both. We'll find a way to get together for a weekend somewhere, without all the pressure and competition, and we can just be normal friends."

No one mentioned that by that time one of them might belong to James, but it wasn't necessary.

"Promise that," Carlos begged. "No matter what happens, we'll still have each other."

"I promise," Logan said. "You can come ride horses with Caroline and me."

"That would be awesome! And I can cook you guys hot dogs!"

They all laughed, hugging each other tight.

Chris' voice rang out across the suite, calling them all together and instructing them to a large patio area where the ceremony had been set up.

"This is it," Carlos commented, squeezing each hand before following the group.

"I'm going, aren't I?" Logan asked Kendall, who couldn't bring himself to answer. All he could do was keep Logan at his side as they moved out to the patio, both of them near tears but taking comfort in the slight touches they allowed themselves to give.

* * *

><p>Carlos stood next to Max off to the side, looking somehow vulnerable and proud all at the same time. Kendall caught his eye and winked, Carlos beaming in response, and Kendall realized once again that he hated being away from his buddies. He was glad Logan was next to him, at least, because Logan would need him more tonight, but he absolutely hated that in a few short minutes Logan would be out of his life, at least until this ordeal was over and done with. And if he did end up winning, would James even want him to keep in touch with Logan?<p>

_It doesn't matter. If he can't handle my two best friends in my life, then he's not the one for me._

Chris greeted everyone and reminded them that Carlos and Max were here to stay, and that since Scott had already been sent home that meant only two men would be eliminated at the ceremony. Logan's hand immediately found Kendall's at the words, Kendall giving it a squeeze before dropping it as James entered the room.

They waited for James to address them but he instead stopped Chris from leaving, explaining that he needed a moment to clear something up before beginning the ceremony. Fear shot through the men, all of them wondering if they'd done something wrong, but it was Logan the hazel eyes settled on.

"Logan, can I have a word with you before we do this?"

"Uh...sure."

The group parted to make room for Logan to squeeze through, and he followed James back into the hotel with his heart galloping. James led him to a small room off the main hall and closed the door, gathering his thoughts before spinning to face Logan with hands in his pockets; Logan knew by now this was what James did when he was nervous or uncomfortable. "I know how much you must miss Caroline, and how hard that must make it for you in addition to the pressure everyone else is feeling. I understand now why there's a part of you that's ready to jump ship every five minutes, I get that she must be pulling you in that direction."

Logan only nodded, hands clasped in front of his waist.

"I have to send two people home tonight. What I need to know is, do you want to go home?"

Conflicted, Logan didn't know how to answer. He raised his eyes to meet James' stare and knew in that moment that he didn't; what he wanted was to have that gaze smiling on him as it had a few times before, hear James' laugh so carefree the way it had been when they were racing each other down a mountain. "No," he whispered, feeling sick to his stomach as it clenched.

"No? Are you sure?"

"Do you want me to?"

"No," James replied with a shake of his head.

"I miss her. So much more than I can begin to tell you. And I feel like a horrible father for wanting to stay longer, but...I do. I want to stay."

"Okay," James said softly. "That's all I needed to know."

They stared at each other for a while, unsure how to continue, until Logan said, "I am sorry. For keeping it from you. I was scared."

"I know. I told you once that I was keeping an open mind and you need to believe that, believe everything I tell you. Because I don't lie. And when I say that I want you to stay, I say it because it's true."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Remember what you said to me the night we met? You asked if you could go back to the limo and start over?"

Logan chuckled. "You remember that?"

"I remember every moment with you. That's what I'm asking now. Can we start over, with no secrets between us, and try to make this thing work?"

"I'd...really like that."

"Good," James said again, a slow smile spreading over his face. "We need to get back in there."

"Yeah."

"Can I..."

Logan had been moving toward the door when James' unfinished question stopped him. "A kiss?" Logan asked.

"Actually, no," James laughed. "But it's not a bad idea. Well, wait, it is; we may never leave this room if I kiss you. But I wondered if you had a picture of her. That you wouldn't mind showing me."

Logan blinked, heart once again racing. "Of course." With shaking fingers he lifted his wallet out of his back pocket, opening it to his favorite picture of Caroline. "This is her on her fifth birthday, we took her to the stables so she could ride." He felt James step up behind him, his breath catching when arms slid around his waist and James' chin rested on his shoulder.

"I love her little hat," James said with a smile.

"It was her birthday, of course she had to have a party hat."

"It's quite fashionable. And is that...your wife?"

Logan's gaze shifted to the picture in the next compartment, one of himself and Jane on their wedding day. "Yes. Her name was Jane."

"She's beautiful, Logan. I see where Caroline gets those big blue eyes."

Tears crowded in, Logan's heart yearning for something he would never have again.

"You look so happy. None of the weight I see in your eyes now."

"I was happy. I loved her very much. I always will, James."

The quaver in Logan's voice had James spinning him around, holding him tight. "That's okay. I would expect no less of you."

"You need to understand that. You might be the one I'm meant to be with, but you'll never replace her. Nobody will."

"Yeah. I know."

James said nothing else, and Logan knew how intimidating that must be for him. He only hoped James was willing to take that step anyway.

* * *

><p>When Logan returned with red eyes, Carlos and Kendall exchanged a worried glance. James apologized for keeping the group waiting, and Chris once again left the room so he could begin.<p>

The first name called was Kendall, and even through his concern for Logan Kendall was relieved beyond measure. James gave him a bright smile before asking, "Kendall, will you accept this rose?"

"Yes." His smile was just as huge as James pinned the rose to his shirt, and then he moved back into position.

A few more names were called, Kendall wanting so badly to ask Logan what had been said but he knew now wasn't the time; he also knew that there wouldn't _be_ time after, that Logan would be whisked away and unable to contact him for at least a month. A panic set in, Kendall wondering how these two had affected him so deeply that he couldn't stand the thought of living without them in his life, not even for a month.

Somewhere in the middle Logan's name was announced, both Carlos' and Kendall's mouths dropping. Logan released the breath he'd been holding, then approached James at the front of the room.

"Logan. Please accept this rose."

"I will," Logan nodded, the two smiling at each other.

"Thank you."

"Thank _you_."

His rose in place, Logan returned to stand next to Kendall, who appeared more relieved than even Logan felt. Glancing to the left, Logan saw a similar expression on Carlos' face. He grinned at Carlos and then at Kendall, his heart lighter than it had been since stepping off the plane in L.A. a few weeks before. It was good to have friends like these.

Kendall's mental tally now put it at nine down, sixteen to go.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I love that you guys have all picked your favorite to win, but I'm going to say it again—do not assume it's going to end up a certain way. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I now know who's going to win. The story is written in my head. At any one point it may seem that there's a clear winner, but as we'll see more and more, James changes his mind depending on his emotions, and none of these guys are perfect. Obviously not everyone will be happy with the outcome, as there can be only one winner, but that's exactly what the show is like. This last season I was raging at the outcome; I hated the chick he chose and wondered if he was insane. You get so involved and want to see your favorite win, but that doesn't always happen. Then again, sometimes it does! You won't know for sure who James chooses until almost the last chapter of this story, no matter what happens in the meantime. Just please don't give up at any point because you think your guy isn't going to win—the ending may surprise you. ;)

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Their next flight took them to San Francisco. Having been there before, Kendall's reception to the news was lukewarm, but Carlos couldn't contain his excitement. "It's like...the gay capitol of the world!"<p>

"Actually, the city is known for far more than that, Carlos," Logan pointed out. "It's a major hub of the banking and finance world."

"You know what I mean," was Carlos' response; he was unwilling to allow anything to bring him down, secure for the first time in the knowledge that he was a top contender for James' heart.

When he mentioned this once (or five times) Kendall brought up the point that none of them really knew how James acted around the other contestants and that truly they couldn't possibly know where they stood in relation to the group. Carlos argued that he could "just tell" by the way James looked at everybody, and reiterated that along with Logan and Kendall, he had a damn good chance. "James doesn't look at anyone else the way he does us."

"Except Ryan," Logan said quietly from the window seat on his right. He'd expected Carlos to put up a fight for it, but Carlos seemed content to sit between him and Kendall. "If anyone has a chance at squeezing us out, it's that guy."

Three pairs of eyes swung to their left, where Ryan was chatting with Mike while Peter hovered over from the seat in front of them. Mike laughed at something Ryan said, Peter grinning as well, and Carlos sighed. "Man. He's so cool. And you can't hate him, he's so nice. Friendly with everyone."

"Kind of like you," Kendall said, turning his head to the right to smile at Carlos. "But I still think you're more fun."

"And we know James likes to have fun."

"Lucky for you," Logan smirked, "or your ass would've been sent home ages ago."

Carlos frowned and tilted his head to study Logan. "You're different. Ever since the rose ceremony, you're more..."

"What?"

"I don't know. You're more relaxed. You smile more. You even laugh at my stupid jokes now. Before, Kendall was the only one who did."

"Not true," Kendall countered. "Most of the other guys did, too. And didn't James?"

"He hasn't heard a lot of them. Yet."

"Well," Logan suggested, "make sure he hears them from now on, that way he'll send you home soon. One less guy to knock down."

"Logan, shut up!" Carlos exclaimed. "I liked the quiet, shy version of you better."

Both Logan and Kendall laughed, Kendall saying, "I think the difference is that now he knows he's got a shot. Right, Logan?"

"That, and the fact that I'm not hiding anything from James anymore. It feels good."

"And the truth shall set you free," Carlos quipped.

Logan nodded. "Or at least keep you around one more week."

"Think you'll get a one-on-one date this time?" Carlos asked.

Biting his lip, Logan shrugged.

"He will," Kendall assured them. "I bet James can't wait to get you alone. The way he kissed you? He's probably dying for it."

"Then why haven't I gotten one yet? Even Scott got one, and nobody liked him. Except Peter, I suppose."

"You know what I think?" Carlos began, "I think he took Scott out on purpose so he could send him home. He knew it wasn't gonna work."

"He could've just sent him home at a ceremony," Kendall argued. "Why would he pass up a whole day with someone he liked just for that?"

"I've seen other Bachelors do that," Logan stated. "It's kind of like a last-chance thing, he wants to give it one last try before taking that drastic step. The only way he'll know for sure if there's something there is to get the guy alone and spend real time with him."

Kendall and Carlos pondered that for moment before Carlos asked, "But with me and Kendall, it's the opposite, right? He felt a connection and wanted to...explore it?"

"I would assume so. He definitely likes you guys."

"Then why haven't _you_ had a one-on-one date yet?"

"That's what I'm saying."

"Don't worry," Kendall soothed, reaching across Carlos to pat Logan's knee. "You'll get it this time. Carlos and I will sit in the hotel and mope together about how he's totally falling in love with you. Maybe we can find some ice cream, dude."

"Can it be rocky road?" Carlos asked in a wistful tone.

"As long as I get chocolate, I'm good with whatever else is thrown in."

Logan grinned at them, suppressing an eye roll.

"So..." Carlos began hesitantly.

"What?" Logan pressed.

"Are you ever gonna tell us what happened at the ceremony? When James took you away? Because I gotta tell you, dude, I really thought you were going home that night."

One corner of Logan's mouth curved up. "Yeah. I did, too."

"He was." They both turned to stare at Kendall, who continued, "When we were alone he said something to that effect. He was planning to send you home, Logan."

Logan was silent, absorbing that.

"So what did he say?" Carlos tried again.

"He asked me if I wanted to go home."

"And you said...?" Kendall urged.

"I realized then that I didn't. That no matter how much I miss Caroline, I need to see this through. Because he's worth it. So I said no, I didn't want to go, and asked him if he wanted me to go."

"Dude, you _asked_ him that?"

"Yes," Logan chuckled, amused by Carlos' wide eyes. "If he doesn't want me here, there's no sense in staying."

"And?" Kendall pressed.

"And he said no. That he wants me to stay. And I apologized again for keeping it from him for so long, and we...he saw a picture of her. She was real to him then." When neither of them commented, Logan said, "And he asked me to stay anyway. So if he sends me home without a one-on-one date this week, I'm going to be pissed."

Carlos nodded. "No kidding."

"Don't give up on him, Logan. Let him get used to the idea."

Logan sighed at Kendall's words, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the seat. His brain turned to James again and he prayed for time alone with the man who had come to captivate his dreams.

* * *

><p>But when the next date card came, it had Peter's name on it. Logan tried not to let it bother him, spending the day exploring the hotel with his buddies, and they returned in the afternoon in time for the next date card to arrive.<p>

Peter was still on his date, which left twelve other men gathered in the main suite with them. Carlos snatched the envelope up, excited. "Okay, this one's for all the marbles. Well, not really, it's just a group date."

"You're such a dork," Kendall giggled. "Just read the card!"

"Okay, okay!" Clearing his throat, Carlos began to read. "'Let me amuse you. Mike, Kendall, Jeff, Dave...and Carlos!'" The last word was of course screamed out in joy, Carlos fist-pumping the air again.

Kendall raised an eyebrow at Logan, knowing this could be good or bad. Not getting a date now meant that he might get a one-on-one the following day. It was between him and nine other men, but one of them was Ryan. Would Ryan get a second one-on-one before Logan even got his first? He closed his eyes for a moment and told himself to trust James. He had to put faith in the fact that James wouldn't have kept him here for no reason, that James understood how difficult it was to be away from Caroline and wouldn't put him through that unless there was a chance for something between them.

"Amuse you...so we're gonna laugh a lot?" Carlos asked.

"Maybe it's a comedy club," Logan responded. "That fits in with what I've seen in the past. Maybe you guys get to practice your stand-up. Oh hey, the quicker to get rid of you, dude," he teased. "Tell him your jokes."

"Logan, I swear to God, you're gonna get punched before this week is over."

With a laugh Logan hugged Carlos to him. "You know I don't mean it. Going through this without you would be torture."

Kendall smiled at them, Logan giving him one in return over Carlos' shoulder. He saw it in Kendall's eyes, the encouragement to believe in James, and he nodded.

But if he didn't get a date this week, he and James were going to have a long talk before the rose ceremony. There was only so much a heart could take.

* * *

><p>Peter didn't return after his date with James. Once again the pressure seemed to double as their numbers dwindled and their chances increased by one. The dates were fun, but there was always a fear of it ending badly.<p>

The following day a van took them to their location, Kendall and Carlos sitting in the very back and discussing the shops as they passed. Carlos mourned the fact that they weren't given any real time to see the sights in the cities they visited, and Kendall suggested that when it was all over, maybe the three of them could plan a trip to San Francisco. Carlos replied, "You mean the four of us. Because one of us will be with James."

There was a lot implied in that statement, and Kendall wasn't willing to consider any of it in that moment. A whoop from Carlos called him out of his thoughts. "Look! I see a Ferris wheel! And a roller coaster! Dude, it's an amusement park!"

"Of course," Kendall chuckled. "'Let me amuse you.'"

It was more of a large carnival than an actual park, but it felt a bit like Disneyland to Kendall. The park was closed to everyone but the five of them and James, who met them at the entrance along with the ever-present cameras. Everyone received warm hugs, James looking relaxed and ready for a day of fun—and of course gorgeous, but that was a given.

"Okay, here's the deal, guys. First and foremost, I want this to be a fun day. I know everyone wants a turn with me, but for the most part I'm keeping this a group thing. Just pretend we're all buddies hanging out at an amusement park, going on all the rides together and having a good time. I'll rotate who I ride with, and of course there will be moments I take you each of you off alone as well. We have the whole place to ourselves, and everything's free. Let's have some fun."

Jeff and Dave took the hands James held out, and talk turned to what they should ride first. It was discovered that Dave had a fear of roller coasters, but James managed to talk him into it with the promise he'd sit next to Dave and hold his hand. Carlos started to roll his eyes, but Kendall reminded him that he too had needed extra attention from James and was given it without hesitation, and Carlos sighed.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess he's a nice guy. That's...a good thing."

"A very good thing. And let's be honest here," Kendall whispered, leaning in. "Do you really think James is going to end up with a guy who's afraid of roller coasters?"

That got Carlos laughing, Kendall reaching out a hand for his out of habit before dropping it. The last thing he wanted was to give James a reason to be jealous again.

Other than the few turns each of them got to ride with James, Kendall and Carlos stuck together throughout the morning as Carlos and Logan had on their shared group date, and as Logan and Kendall had on theirs. Because it was a situation that required them all to hang together, though, it was more of a group feel than pairs, and nobody really felt left out for once.

They stopped for lunch around one, everyone branching out to try different stands and Kendall impressed the place had staffed it fully even though it was only the six of them running around. He figured the show's production had more to do with that than the carnival itself, having put out plenty of money to make this possible, but it wasn't his concern.

Carlos started giggling when James spit out the bite of hot dog he'd taken then said, "Dude, that happens every time!"

"This is gross! You've ruined me, Carlos! I can't eat this crap!"

"I forgot to warn you about that. Once you've tasted my dogs, nothing else compares. Look, you've got the mustard thing going on again." He leaned across the table with a napkin, wiping at James' mouth, and the two grinned at each other as they remembered their previous date. Suddenly Carlos was desperate to be alone with James.

James, however, seemed content to chat with everyone while eating his food (though not touching the remains of his hot dog), and it wasn't until they were all complaining of overfull bellies that he stood up. "I need to walk this off. Join me, Carlos?"

Beaming, Carlos hopped up and slipped his hand into James'. "What are we doing?"

"Anything but a roller coaster, I'd probably puke right now."

"I saw some spinning cups on the other side of the midway..."

"Stop, I'm about to lose it. How about I win you something?"

"Yeah? Like what, a teddy bear?"

"We'll figure something out."

James spent about twenty minutes with him, the two of them competing at carnival games with James being the victor, but Carlos didn't complain because he ended up with two stuffed animals and an inflated toy in the shape of a dog. "I feel bad I didn't win you anything, though."

"How about you kiss me for a while and we call it even?"

Carlos smiled. "I can live with that."

James pulled him behind a stand and kissed him deeply, relief pouring through Carlos as he felt the same attraction in James that had been there before; it was always good to know James' feelings hadn't changed. "This still sucks, having to share you."

"I know. Just remember moments like this, and know that I miss you."

"I keep doing that, but it's...hard. Seeing you with the other guys...it hurts."

James nodded, hugging Carlos close to him. "I invite you on these dates because even a little time with you is better than nothing. Remember that, okay? I can't include you in everything, it wouldn't be fair, but you're still the most fun person I've ever known. That hasn't changed, Carlos."

"And you still love kissing me?"

"More than ever."

They shared a grin before kissing again, James allowing it for another few minutes before stepping back. "Okay, time to share me again."

"My least favorite part of the day."

James laughed before dragging Carlos away and leading him back to the group. He took Dave next, and Kendall scooted over for Carlos to join him. "So, I see you have some new toys."

"Look! I got a cheetah and a monkey! Oh, and this dog. I think I'll name him Arnold."

"Arnold?"

"Yeah, like the guy from 'Happy Days.' All my dogs have 'Happy Days' names."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope. Chachi, Richie, Fonzie, Potsie, and Ralph."

"That's...very you."

"Thanks! So now we have Arnold, too. Or I could make it a girl and name it Joanie. What do you think, does this look like a girl or what?"

Kendall leaned back as Carlos shoved the toy in his face. "I think you're silly, that's what," he laughed.

"Yeah, but besides that. Is it a girl?"

"Sure, whatever. Just don't sleep with it, I don't want to wake up with a heart attack when it pops in the middle of the night."

"Do_ you_ want to sleep with her? I'd let you."

"No, I'm good, thanks. Did he kiss you?"

The subject change threw Carlos for a second. "Yeah. And he said some nice things. He makes me feel...good, you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

When it was Kendall's time he smiled at James and allowed him to lead, content to go where James chose. He hated that their time was short and gave voice to his feelings as they climbed onto the Ferris wheel.

"I know you have to be fair and all, but when can I have a second date with you?" Kendall moved in to cuddle up to James, who raised a hand to stop him.

Eyes suddenly serious, James said, "I need to talk to you about something."

The ride started moving, lifting them high into the air, and Kendall's body went cold. Whatever it was, James wasn't happy about it. "What's wrong?"

They got to the top and James called down for the operator to stop the ride, leaving them suspended in midair.

"You have to trap me for us to talk?"

"No, but we're away from everyone and you can't walk away from me. I want to know about Logan."

Kendall blinked, his heart dropping into his stomach. "I thought we weren't discussing Logan. You refuse to."

"Kendall, I need to know what I'm getting myself into. If the two of you would be happier together than with me, then this is the time to-"

"Wait, what? You think he and I...James." Rubbing his face, Kendall said, "We're just friends."

"But do you want to be more? Because if you do, that's fine, I just need to know now so that you two can start your life together."

"What life? We're both here for you, not for each other."

"You two are very close and-"

"No. I promise. We're just friends and we have no interest in each other that way."

"Are you sure that's mutual?"

"What do you mean?"

James looked away before answering. "He looks up to you. I can see that much. And he's always laughing and smiling around you and-"

"Because he's comfortable around me. He trusts me somehow to take care of him but I swear, that's all it is."

"And you don't want anything more?"

"No! Where is this coming from?"

"I spent an entire day with you two, watched you around each other. When he and I got into an argument, you were suddenly right there to make sure he was okay."

"Because I'm his friend."

James continued as if Kendall hadn't spoken. "I need to know for sure because if you really would rather be with him than me, I have to send you home. Both of you."

"James. Please." Kendall wanted to pull his hair out, but he took a deep breath and squeezed James' arm. "Look at me. When I kiss you...how to explain it? Remember the night you first kissed me? How much I wanted to hate you?"

James nodded slowly.

"I couldn't. I tried. What I feel for you is romantic, it's sexual, it's exciting. With Logan...he's wonderful. A great guy, an incredible friend. But that's all. I couldn't resist you then, and I can't resist you now. That hasn't changed, either."

"Promise?" James asked in a tiny voice.

"Yes," Kendall answered softly. "Can I tell you about my last boyfriend? Not the dates I've had here and there, but my last serious boyfriend?"

"If you feel the need to." James didn't look as if he particularly wanted to hear it, though.

"His name is Michael Chandler."

The reaction was immediate and exactly what Kendall had expected it to be. James' mouth dropped, his eyes widened, and he looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "That guy? You fucked that guy? Oh my god, he's so hot!"

"Of course you get hung up on the fucking aspect," Kendall chuckled. "We went through our first few years in the NHL together. Became best friends, and eventually more."

"I never heard anything about that. What happened?"

"We were on the same farm team for a long time, and then I advanced to the official team."

"The Kings?"

"Yeah. He ended up getting traded to a different team-"

"The Flyers, that's where he started."

"Right. So you follow the hot hockey guys, is that it?"

James rolled his eyes. "I follow the really good hockey guys. But if they're hot, that helps, too," he grinned.

"Sure. So we decided to let it go because of the distance, it got harder every day and we were both lonely so we said goodbye. But for three years, he was my partner in every sense of the word."

"I didn't even know he was gay."

"Did you know I was?"

"I'd heard rumors, but you can't trust what you read in magazines. I know that better than anyone. Do you still love him?"

"There's always going to be a small piece of my heart that belongs to him, but..." Shrugging, Kendall said, "We moved on. And I've grown a lot since leaving him, being alone has shown me what I really want in a man."

"And he wasn't it?"

"He...sometimes he was. For example, our date? That's exactly the sort of thing he would've done for me. The romantic dinner. And the game. Though he never combined the two into one date," Kendall smiled. "That was a lot to take in at once."

"It worked, though." James' grin widened.

"Hell yeah, it did. And that's my point. You knew what I needed without me having to ask. I really had no choice but to fall for you."

James went quiet then, letting it all digest. Kendall held his silence, looking at the park from above and seeing rides they hadn't yet visited, practically bouncing in his seat when he spied a merry-go-round. As childish as it seemed, he knew Carlos would want to ride it.

"What are you smiling about?"

"There's a merry-go-round."

"This excites you, I take it?"

"Can we ride it, James?"

"As a group, I suppose. Though the guys will probably find it silly."

"Carlos won't."

"True," James laughed. "Okay, let's do it for Carlos." Motioning for the operator to get them moving again, James laid an arm over Kendall's shoulder and pulled him close.

"So do you feel better now? You know I'm not going to run away with Logan?"

"Shut up."

"Are you blushing?"

"Shut up, Kendall."

"You are! Ha! Did I get you blushing before Carlos? I think this is significant."

"Who says I didn't blush for Carlos?"

"I'm sure I would've heard about it. Or did you blush over the fish?"

"Can we stop talking about the fish?"

"Maybe if you kiss me..."

James did, their tongues happy to make contact again as the wheel went around and around. Finally he motioned for the ride to stop, and as they walked back toward the group James held his hand. "It was important to me to let you know that if you two honestly want to be together, I won't stand in your way. Because if that's the case, obviously I'm not the one for you. I'd hate to marry you and watch you pine over some other guy for the rest of your life."

"That's not gonna happen, James. It's you I want, okay?"

"Okay." James smiled, hugging Kendall to him as they walked, and when they arrived, he let go reluctantly to take one of the other guys away.

Carlos immediately pulled Kendall down to a table. "Okay, what happened?" he hissed.

"What, you're gonna grill me? I didn't grill you."

"Yes, you did. You asked if we kissed."

"Oh. I guess I did. Yes, we kissed."

"I know that much, we could see you on the Ferris wheel. But you were up there talking for a long time first. What'd he say?"

"Carlos..."

"Come on. We agreed, open books. And I don't want to get yelled at again, so I'm telling you guys everything. I expect the same from you."

After glancing around, Kendall stood up. "Walk with me to the restroom."

Carlos left his new friends in the care of Mike, who swore to protect them with his life. When they were far enough away, Kendall said, "He thought I had a thing for Logan."

Carlos' momentum stopped. "Logan?"

"Yeah. Come on, keep moving. He thought Logan and I were in love."

"Oh. Wow." After a few moments, Carlos asked hesitantly, "And...are you?"

"What?" Now Kendall stopped, causing Carlos to halt this time. "No! Why does everybody think that?"

"Because you guys are so close. I mean, I never really thought it was true, but I can see how other people do."

"Then why would you ask me that?"

"Hey, you never know. Did you tell him it's not true, that it's him you want?"

"Of course. He's better now. But damn, he's got a jealous streak."

"I've never understood jealousy."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah! Like...what good does it do? All it does is make you fight and see things that aren't there and you spend more time wondering about stuff that isn't happening than noticing what's right in front of you. My brother's wife is like that, she gets jealous all the time. Has to call and check up on him. It's stupid. If someone's going to cheat on you, let them. You're better off without them anyway."

Kendall studied Carlos, impressed. "I never thought of it that way."

"Why, are you a jealous guy?"

"I...have had instances of jealousy," he hedged.

"Oh, that means yes. Seriously, dude, it's not worth it. All you do is make yourself sick and make your boyfriend resent you."

"What if you're both jealous? Doesn't that even it out?"

"I don't know, I guess it could. But the thing with jealousy is, you're more worried for yourself than the other person. Because it's rooted in fear. You're afraid to be alone or that someone's going to leave you. And it ruins the good stuff you do have."

"Carlos..." Shaking his head, Kendall started walking again.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just...you continually surprise me."

"Is that good?"

"I guess. But I have a surprise for you later, so that makes _us_ even."

"A surprise? For me?"

"Yep. You can thank me later."

"What is it?"

"Not telling. You'll see."

"Kendall! You're killing me!"

"I know, and it's so much fun."

Carlos punched him in the arm, the two of them laughing as they entered the restroom.

An hour later Kendall watched his face light up at the sight of the merry-go-round, though Carlos held it inside, not wanting the guys to laugh at him. When James steered the group toward the stationary horses, he could hold it in no more. "We're going on this? For real?"

James shared a wink with Kendall before answering. "Only if you ride with me."

"Of course!" Carlos hopped up onto it, ignoring the groans from the other guys. "Come on, we can sit on this bench-y thing. Oh, but I kind of want the black horse."

"Take the black horse," James laughed. He reached out to pull Kendall onto the platform. "You can share the uh...bench-y thing with me." Kendall slid onto it, dragging James in next to him and hugging him close while James called out, "We're riding this thing with or without you guys! Get on so we can do this."

The other three hopped on, Carlos climbing onto a large black steed while carefully holding his prizes.

"Isn't he adorable?" James whispered, eyes on Carlos.

"Yes," Kendall answered with a smile. "He's like no one I've ever met."

* * *

><p>Dave received the rose for that date, Kendall assumed for having overcome his fears. He liked that about James, that he didn't necessarily give it to his favorites but to those who needed it most for various reasons. Of course the previous group date had been an exception, but James had fully intended to give the rose to Logan in order to show he wasn't outcast for being a father; Logan himself had ruined that.<p>

They returned to the hotel to find Logan playing chess with Ryan, and Kendall felt a moment's jealousy before laughing at himself. Maybe this was what James had been talking about, but it wasn't anything romantic on his part. True, he found Logan sexy and thought he'd make a wonderful boyfriend, but the spark wasn't there between them—not in that sense, anyway. He didn't find himself daydreaming about Logan or thinking back on things Logan had said. He cared for Logan, wanted to make sure Logan was taken care of, but in that sense it was more of a brotherly love, and he assumed it was the same for Logan.

"_You guys need to quit assuming things about me."_

They were James' words, but could they apply to Logan as well? Suddenly Kendall wasn't sure, and what if James had seen something he hadn't? What if Logan's feelings for him were more than brotherly? They had certainly flirted a bit in the first few days of meeting.

Kendall stepped up behind Carlos, who was showing off his toys, and waited for him to finish speaking. "Carlos, can you take over for Logan? I need to talk to him."

"I don't know how to play chess, dude!"

"That's okay," Ryan jumped in. "I can teach you. Or we can do checkers if you'd rather?"

"Sure! That game I know. And kick ass at. Let me just go put away Joanie and the guys."

"I got it, Carlos. Let me take them to the room." Kendall took the stuffed toys from Carlos and waited for Logan to stand before heading out of the suite.

"Kick his ass for me, Carlos!" Logan called back. "He kept beating me at chess, and nobody beats me at chess."

"Sore loser!" Ryan yelled with a laugh.

"What's going on?" Logan asked when they were in the hallway.

"I need to talk to you. James brought up something today that got me thinking, and...well, open the door."

Logan did, Kendall entering and dropping the toys on Carlos' bed. Unsure how to approach this, he finally just spun around and asked, "Are you in love with me?"

Logan's eyes bugged out, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he sat on his bed. "Um...no. Are you..."

"No. But James thought we were, thought he saw something between us, and that's why he was so jealous. Are you sure?"

"Yes! Positive. I mean, you're a great guy, and I'm sure you'd be an amazing boyfriend, probably husband as well, but James is what I want, he's so much more than I could ever have imagined I'd have a chance at and-"

"Okay. I get it. I just had to make sure, because he said we acted like it. Or something like that."

Logan sighed. "He thinks I'm in love with you? You told him I wasn't, right?"

"Well, I could only speak for myself, but I didn't think you were so I told him we're just friends and that's all we want. It is, right?"

"Yes! Why do you keep asking, is there something you want to tell me?"

"No! I feel the same way, you're an incredible guy and probably an amazing father but I don't feel for you what I feel for James. And I sure as hell don't want a kid right now. No offense."

"None taken," Logan chuckled, pulling Kendall down next to him. "So he really thought that? Damn. If I'd know that I would've done things to show him that's not the case."

"Like what? Thrown yourself at him?"

"I don't know, maybe," Logan snickered. "Can you see me doing that? It would be a disaster. I can't pull it off like Carlos."

"Well, then you just have to make sure he knows how you feel tomorrow. On your date."

"My date." Logan let out a "pfft" sound. "I'm not even getting my hopes up anymore."

"Yes you are, don't lie." Kendall nudged Logan. "It's gonna happen. He likes you."

"I still think he's afraid of me. More than ever now, because it's not just me he's dating. It's my family."

"You have to trust him. He's had time to think it over, and he did ask you to stay. Even knowing about Caroline. Do you trust him, Logan?"

Looking down at his lap, Logan shrugged. "It's hard. I barely know him."

"Do you know enough, though?"

When Logan remembered the feel of James' lips on his, of James' arms around him and the sound of his voice when he'd asked about Caroline in that little room, the look in his eyes when he'd presented Logan with a rose and said "Please take this rose"...Logan nodded. "I do."

"Then don't worry about the rest. It's going to happen. And maybe when it does, when you spend more time alone with him, you'll realize he's not the guy for you. I'm not saying that'll be the case, I'm just saying it's a possibility. You might even be the one to leave because you're not feeling it. And in that case, I will allow you to leave."

"Gee, thanks, Kendall," Logan joked.

"I'm just saying. Anything's possible."

"Guys!"

It was muffled, but it was Carlos, who sounded excited as he yelled through the door. "Where's my key? Damn, did I lose it on the rides? Guys, open up!" This was followed by pounding, and Kendall finally stood to open the door.

"What?" he asked with an indulgent smile. Truly, Carlos was like no other.

"Logan! Come on, the date card came! We haven't opened it, I made them wait for you, but come on! This could be it!"

Logan's heartbeat tripled, his stomach feeling nauseous. If he didn't get this date, he was going to seriously think about going home. And if he did...

"Come on!" Kendall dragged him out of the room, the two of them following Carlos back to the main suite, and his palms were clammy as they settled onto a couch. Kendall grabbed his hand, holding it tight, before Dave opened the envelope and began to read.

"'Surprise me...Logan.'"

There were whoops on either side of him and sighs from the other men who'd been hoping for a date, but all Logan really heard over the sound of his own heartbeat were the words in James' voice.

"_Surprise me."_


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I love that you guys have all picked your favorite to win, but I'm going to say it again—do not assume it's going to end up a certain way. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I now know who's going to win. The story is written in my head. At any one point it may seem that there's a clear winner, but as we'll see more and more, James changes his mind depending on his emotions, and none of these guys are perfect. Obviously not everyone will be happy with the outcome, as there can be only one winner, but that's exactly what the show is like. This last season I was raging at the outcome; I hated the chick he chose and wondered if he was insane. You get so involved and want to see your favorite win, but that doesn't always happen. Then again, sometimes it does! You won't know for sure who James chooses until almost the last chapter of this story, no matter what happens in the meantime. Just please don't give up at any point because you think your guy isn't going to win—the ending may surprise you. ;)

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Logan was in and out of sleep all night. At times he was able to relax and tell himself that it would work out either way. If James sent him home after the date, he could return to his angel; if he was kept longer, all the better. Other times he was so nervous he could hardly stand it, tossing and turning and sighing loudly.<p>

It was this that proved to him how badly he did want James for himself. He'd been able to distance himself for the most part, not allowing himself to believe he'd actually have a chance, and now that he had what was a very good chance he was terrified to lose it. Was this what Kendall and Carlos felt before each date? A night of sleepless torture?

_Wait. They never found out the day before. Everyone else got their date card on the day of the actual date. At least the one-on-one dates did_.

Was that significant? Did it mean he was somehow different than everyone else? And if so, was it good or bad?

_You're going to drive yourself crazy, Logan. What will be will be. Either he loves you or he doesn't. Whatever happens, you still have the most beautiful daughter in the world, and that's really all you need._

After that he slept peacefully, Caroline's sweet face in his dreams, and when her big blue eyes looked up into laughing hazel ones, Logan's lips curved into a smile.

* * *

><p>Carlos and Kendall helped him prepare for the date, but again-as Logan had no idea where they were going (and even less of a hint than ever before)-they could only do so much. Carlos suggested they take the clue literally and try to shock James by giving Logan a mohawk; both Kendall and Logan smacked him.<p>

They went with jeans and a button-down shirt, packing swim trunks and a tie just in case, and his hair was styled in the newer spiky look they'd given him a few weeks prior.

Sensing that Logan was nervous, Kendall pulled him aside as they made their way to the main suite. "Just remember, if it doesn't work out it's for the best."

"I know."

Carlos hugged him, patting his back and stating, "If you don't come back, I'll kick his ass."

"You will not. But I appreciate the sentiment. And I find it interesting that I'm the only one we've really feared that happening to."

"Well, you _are_ the only guy to piss him off so far," Carlos reasons. "We've never seen him fight with anybody else."

"That doesn't mean it hasn't happened, Carlos. Just that in my case there were others nearby."

"Right, that's what I'm saying. He lost it with you in front of everyone else. That's bad."

"Or good," Kendall interjected.

"Explain how that would be good," Logan urged.

"It means you affect him deeply enough for him to lose it."

"So you've never argued with him?"

"I didn't say that. I only said it means he must actually care a great deal if he got that angry. You know how he is, if you don't matter to him, he doesn't care. Like the guys he was sleeping with-he didn't care if they slept with anyone else. You matter, so you get a reaction out of him."

"Yeah, but that can backfire, too. If I piss him off badly enough, he might _over_react and send me home."

"I never said it was easy," Kendall shrugged.

They all hugged again and said their goodbyes in case it ended poorly, promising to get in touch as soon as possible.

"You look great," Carlos assured Logan as they entered the suite.

Kendall agreed, even Ryan whistling when Logan stepped into the room, and then they sat down to wait.

It wasn't even two minutes later when James entered the large room, full of smiles for everyone but not meeting Logan's eyes just yet. After he'd said a quick hello to the others, he turned his attention to Logan. "Hi there."

"Hey."

"You look great."

As Logan blushed, Carlos blurted out, "See, Logan? I told you. I told him that, James."

Kendall pulled Carlos back against him with one arm, using the other to place a hand over his mouth. "Really need to get a muzzle for this guy."

James laughed, though, winking at Carlos before slipping his hand into Logan's and moving toward the door. "Bye, guys."

"Bye!"

James opened the door, gesturing for Logan to go first, and then followed. The awkward silence fell again and Carlos leaned back into Kendall. "Do you think he'll come back?" he whispered.

"I really don't know. As long as he doesn't do anything stupid like think he's not good enough or assume he knows what James is thinking, he'll be fine."

"Yeah," Carlos sighed. "He's screwed. Want to go swimming?"

"Why not? But if you try to drown me again, I won't save you when the guys keep shoving you in the pool for saying stupid shit."

"Yes, you will. You love me."

Kendall rolled his eyes, dragging Carlos along with an arm around his neck. "Come on, let's change."

Carlos was unnaturally quiet as they donned swim gear, prompting Kendall to ask what was wrong.

"How do you know anything is?"

"Because I know you. You're too quiet, there's something on your mind."

Carlos sat down on his bed with a sigh, reaching for the stuffed monkey and pulling it into his lap. "I'm just feeling a lot of things and I'm kind of confused about what I want and I don't know how to handle it all. I've never really put myself all into a relationship like I have this one."

"With James?"

"Yeah. Even with my boyfriend it wasn't like this. I had the business and it was more important to me than my boyfriend. That's not right, is it?"

Kendall took a seat next to Carlos on the bed, hugging him close with one arm. "I think it just means you hadn't met the right guy yet. When you do, that won't be a problem. I'm not saying you have to give up the business, but maybe you can find a guy who has his own thing going and is busy like you, and you just meet up when you can."

"James would be like that." Carlos relaxed against Kendall, leaning into him.

Nodding, Kendall said, "Yes, I suppose he would."

"But I miss it. I mean, when I was able to spend time with my boyfriend, it was awesome to have someone to go home to. To relax, watch some T.V., have some great sex, and then sleep with him all night. God, I miss that."

"I miss it, too," Kendall offered softly. "I lived with my boyfriend and we were part of the same team, so we were together constantly. And it actually worked, we never got tired of each other or fought too much."

"This would be your secret lover?" Carlos pressed with a grin.

"Yes," Kendall laughed. "We were together for three years and then we went to different teams. It was for the best, it wasn't going to work with us only seeing each other when our teams played against each other, but I still miss that. Having someone to...well, everything you said. Relax with, sleep with. I miss sex more than I thought I would."

"Especially right now, when we're around all these hot guys and can't do anything about it."

"Exactly. But when I leave here, if it's not with James then I'm right back where I was. Alone. My career is pretty much everything to me, but one day that will end. And what will I have then?"

"Two really awesome friends."

Kendall's mouth slid into a smile. "You're right. At least I'll have you guys." Carlos seemed to shut down again suddenly and Kendall squeezed his arm. "What now? Talk to me."

Reluctantly Carlos admitted, "I feel guilty. Because there's a part of me that wants their date to not go well. But at the same time, I don't want Logan to leave! This sucks!"

"Don't feel guilty about that, it's natural."

"So you feel the same way?"

"I...don't let myself think that way. I will say that I'm jealous, of Logan and of you and anybody who gets along well with James. Watching the two of them kiss was like having my guts ripped out."

"Pretty intense, huh?"

"It was the first time I realized I might not have this. Like...I knew that, mentally, knew it could change at any time and he'd find someone he likes more. I even told him that on our first date. But seeing it, knowing he's feeling things for Logan that he felt for me...that's hard. And I haven't seen the two of you together much, at least not alone, but I imagine it's the same—when you two kiss, sparks fly."

Carlos nodded. "They do. I like kissing James, he makes me feel special."

"Did your boyfriend not?"

"I don't know, he did, but...you know, the truth is I don't even know why he dated me. We had nothing in common, he complained about my dogs, and sometimes he'd tease me for being like a kid."

"Even I do that, Carlos," Kendall joked, his hand tightening on Carlos' shoulder.

"Yeah, but when you do it...I don't get the feeling you're actually annoyed. You just like to tease me."

"True. I _love_ to tease you. But you bring it on yourself with your constant bragging."

Laughing, Carlos said, "You know I don't believe half the shit I say, right?"

"Yes," Kendall chuckled. "If you did, it would just be arrogance. Instead, it's...adorable."

Carlos smiled up at Kendall, whose fingers caressed his shoulder gently. "I'm glad I ended up rooming with you guys. I never imagined I'd come out of this with friends."

"I didn't either. The first night we were all together, I was happy to sit in a corner and stay out of everyone's way. Instead you bulldozed your way into my life," he teased.

"Logan did first! When I came over, you two were sitting together."

"Yeah, I made him come sit with me. He looked lost. Now I know why."

"Kendall, do you really think when it comes down to it James would go for a guy with a kid?"

"I honestly don't know, Carlos. You talked to him about it more than I did."

"He never really gave me an answer."

"I think the fact that Logan's still here is an answer in itself."

"Yeah," Carlos sighed. "We've got stiff competition, buddy. A genius."

"A sexy one at that."

"And yet we're still here."

"We are."

Carlos tossed the monkey up onto his pillow. "Race you to the pool!" He jumped up and was gone, the door open before Kendall truly realized what was going on.

Rolling his eyes, Kendall grabbed them a few towels and sunscreen, and was almost out the door before he went back for the monkey. If Carlos got out of hand, the monkey was going down.

* * *

><p>Hands clasped, James and Logan rode down the elevator in near silence. He didn't think he'd ever been this nervous, and the lack of conversation was making it worse. What the hell was James thinking?<p>

Logan glanced up as the elevator settled onto the main floor, and James met his gaze with a smile. He leaned down to press a quick kiss to Logan's lips, Logan's stomach fluttering even from that simple touch, and then led Logan to a plush couch in the lobby, where there was of course a cameraman waiting.

"Sit with me?"

"Sure." He did, dropping the backpack on the floor before lowering himself next to James but keeping some distance between them, though James' grip on his hand remained tight.

"Okay, Logan, this is how today works. There is a limo outside waiting to take us wherever you want to go. There's also a plane and a helicopter on standby in case you choose someplace not too close. The only rule is we have to be back tonight and we can't leave the country. So today is your day. Tell me where you want to go."

Stunned for a moment, Logan couldn't speak. James smiled wider, rubbing his thumb over the back of Logan's hand, and said, "Take your time. We've got all day."

"You...we're going wherever I say?"

"As long as it's within those guidelines, yes. I'm at your mercy."

"Wow. Okay, um...wow. Give me a minute." Logan's mind immediately went to Caroline, and of course the one place he would go if he could choose (and technically he could) was right back home to her, if even for a few hours. That would be against the rules, though; he was supposed to have no contact (outside of the few minutes each night on the phone) with family or friends until the hometown date, should he make it that far.

"Anywhere but there," James said quietly, reading his thoughts. "I'm sorry, if I could take you there I would."

"I know," Logan smiled. "Thank you."

They stared at each other, Logan wondering what James was thinking yet again, but then James leaned in for another kiss and conscious thought disappeared. His lips were soft and warm, his tongue not demanding but gentle, and a calm settled over Logan as James pulled back.

"Better?"

"Than what?" Logan asked with a chuckle.

"You looked nervous. I don't want you to be nervous with me."

"It's kind of hard not to. I really want this to work."

A slow smile answered Logan's words, James' hand squeezing his briefly. "Where are we going today?"

"Gosh, um...this is going to sound so boring to you, I'm sure, but..."

"Anywhere, Logan. Whatever you want. Museum? Some weird medical thing? I'm there."

Logan giggled, smacking James' arm lightly with his free hand. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not! I was totally serious, whatever you want."

"What I want...and I hope it's okay...is just to spend some time at the beach. I haven't been since I was a kid."

"The beach? Really?" James' face lit up. "I love the beach!"

"Yeah, but it's probably boring to you, you get to go all the time."

"Not nearly as much as I'd like to. I'm so busy, there's never time to just...sit at the beach. I love to surf, too."

"You want to do that? We can surf. You'd have to teach me, though."

"We'll see. Mostly I just want to..." James trailed off, biting his lip.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter what we do, Logan. I just want to spend time with you."

This time it was Logan who went in for the kiss, and it was sweet with an underlying passion that Logan knew would get out of hand if unleashed. He ended it sooner than either of them wanted to, grabbing the backpack and standing. "Let's hit the beach."

"In that case, we don't even need a car, it's about two blocks away. Unless you want to ride, we can totally do that."

"No, let's walk. See some of the city."

"Whatever you want. I'll call to let them know we won't need transportation for now. Can I take that for you?"

Logan glanced down at the pack on his shoulder and smirked. "I can handle it, I'm a lot stronger than I look."

"I know, I just...wanted to do something nice. You're not used to that, are you? Someone else taking care of you?"

"Not at all. Jane used to sometimes, but I'm more the caretaker than she was. I was the one always looking out for her."

"Let someone else take care of you for a few hours." James hefted the pack onto his own shoulder as they started walking. "Is there even anything in here?"

"Not much. I wasn't sure what to expect so I packed swim trunks and a tie."

James laughed. "That's perfect! Maybe tonight we can have a dinner that requires a tie."

"Or maybe we can just make out on the beach instead."

James stopped walking, eyes wide as if he couldn't believe his ears, and Logan laughed. "Your face..."

"Shut up, don't tease me like that! Damn, get my hopes up just to send them crashing to the ground?"

"Who said I was teasing?"

James threw his head back and laughed, taking Logan's hand in his again. "Get over here, you animal. Full of surprises, aren't you?"

"Isn't that what the card said? To surprise you?"

"Yes, I guess it did. Come on, let's go stare out at the ocean for a while."

"Do you need to get anything before we go? In case we go into the water?"

"I'm always prepared." He reached into the light jacket he was wearing and showed Logan a flash of brightly-colored material.

"Is that...did you bring along a speedo?"

"I didn't know what to expect from you. See? Perfect date." James slid a pair of shades over his eyes as they stepped out into the sun, still holding tightly to Logan's hand.

Talk was light as they walked the few blocks to the beach, the two stopping here and there along the way to look in shops. Logan attempted to buy Caroline a few little things but both times was shoved aside as James whipped out a credit card, and after that Logan stopped picking things out for her. He did allow James to buy him a t-shirt, though, a red one to match the one James bought for himself. James also picked up supplies for an impromptu beach picnic, throwing everything into a cooler that he carried after Logan insisted on taking his pack back.

They found a spot close to the water, Logan glad it wasn't too crowded. He helped James set up a blanket and unpack their lunch, James tossing back a towel for the cameraman to sit on as well. "Don't worry, we'll share the food, Rich," he grinned.

"You'd better. That chicken looks pretty damn good."

It occurred to Logan then that he'd grown used to having the cameras follow him around over the past few weeks. In the hotels and the mansion much had been captured on stationary cameras, but even on the group dates he'd hardly noticed them there. James was obviously aware of them and used to being filmed everywhere he went, and Logan wondered what it would be like to live a life like that—or to date a man who did. It wasn't something he particularly wanted for his daughter.

Thoughts heavy as he stared out over the ocean, Logan jumped slightly when James squeezed his shoulder. "Hey. Talk to me."

"It's...nothing, really."

"If it's upsetting you, it's something." After propping his shades on top of his head, James once again squeezed his shoulder.

"I'm not upset, I just...I'm thinking about Caroline and the life I want for her. I'm..."

"What?"

James had a way of staring into his soul with just a look. Logan lowered his eyes. "I don't want to ruin this date."

"If something's on your mind, we should talk about it. We don't get a lot of time to do that, and if we're planning to make a life together we need to be open with each other. If it's not going to work between us, it's better we know that now. Are you worried I'm not the kind of guy you want raising your kid?"

"No! God, no, nothing like that." Reaching out to pull James' hand between both of his, Logan said, "It's more...the lifestyle. The cameras and the fame and I don't like the idea of her being in the spotlight so much."

"Right." James nodded, eyes once again guarded, and Logan hated that, hated when he hid behind a mask. "I'd do whatever I could to keep her out of it. Both of you, if that's what you want. My private life isn't very private, but that's because I don't try to make it that way. If I wanted to, and with you I would, I could do things in a way that shields you both from the media."

"Well, when all this comes out, she's going to be in the media anyway. I'm not naïve about that, it's one of the things that held me back from doing this sooner."

"The show, you mean?"

"Yes. My mother wanted me to do it for the previous season, but I said no because of Caroline. Plus, it was too soon, I think. I wasn't ready to open myself up to someone."

"And now you are?"

James' fingers were soothing over his, somehow relaxing Logan as he tried to find words to express his thoughts. "I'm feeling some pretty intense things, and I think if I wasn't ready to open myself up, I wouldn't be."

James nodded, taking that in. "I didn't expect to feel so many things myself. I think I thought it would be more fun. The idea of a bunch of men fighting over me amused me."

"That's horrible, James."

"I know." Chagrined, James hung his head. "But it turns out I was lonely. Meeting people like you, like the other guys here, it made me realize that I need more in my life. I think I've done more talking in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. _Real_ talking, not just schmoozing it up with the end goal being to fuck someone. It's..." James let out a breath, shaking his head. "Weird. But not in a bad way. Just unexpected."

"So you do have a heart," Logan teased.

"Apparently so. Who knew?" They laughed together, James freeing his hand to pass Logan a plate. "I mean that, though, Logan. I'll do whatever I can to shield you guys."

"You keep talking about how you're not sure modeling's what you want to do anymore. Is that really something you'd give up?"

"Give up entirely? No. I'd still take jobs. Just not as many, or as far away."

"Would that negatively affect your career, though? Passing up too many jobs? I'm sure it would cut your level of fame down over time, if you're not in the public eye as much. Does that bother you?"

James frowned, looking as if he was weighing that over. "Yes, it might kill the fame eventually, but fame...it's not all it's cracked up to be. For a few years it was. It was fun, exciting, everything I'd ever dreamed. Now...I don't know. I spend more time alone, or with Lana. I've actually been hanging out with her when we're at home, when she goes to do family stuff. Her nieces and nephews think we're dating," he laughed.

"They don't know the truth about you?"

"They're a little young for that. We never told them we were dating, they just assume because I'm with her a lot. And we live together."

"Give me some of that chicken? Oh, and the potato salad. Thanks." After fixing up a plate for himself and then one for Rich, Logan asked, "And how is it for you? With the kids? Do you get tired of it pretty quickly and want to go home?"

"No, but those kids are...how to put this? They're not whiny little brats. I don't know Caroline, so I'm not judging her as one of the 'bad' kids, but Lana's sister raises them right so they're good kids. And so fucking smart, oh my god!"

"Yeah, kids are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for," Logan chuckled. "Caroline amazes me every day."

"They make me feel stupid sometimes. I've never been the brightest guy mentally, I won't lie, but these kids...damn. I was never that smart as a kid."

"You wouldn't feel stupid with Caroline. She'd teach you, she loves to teach people things. I've been properly educated on every animal in existence, I think. But don't interrupt her once she gets going. That child will have her say."

"Thanks for the tip," James smiled. "Anything else I need to know about her? You know, in case I meet her at some point?"

It was said in an offhand manner, James seemingly focused on his potato salad, but Logan knew him well enough by now to sense that James wouldn't ask that question if he wasn't planning on putting the knowledge to use later. It made Logan feel better, knowing that James intended to keep him around that long. Of course that could change at any time, but in this moment James wanted to come home with him and that spoke volumes to Logan.

"She loves animals, which I'm sure you've gathered by now. She also loves me. I'm her hero."

"Of course you are. She's got good taste."

Logan giggled through the bite of chicken he'd just taken, washing it down with soda before continuing. "Let's see...her favorite color is green, her favorite-"

"Mine, too! I love green!"

"Oh? You look amazing in it. It brings out your eyes."

Impressed, James said, "I've been told that. I'm surprised you noticed."

"I notice everything. I'm extremely observant."

"Good to know. Now tell me more about Caroline."

"Okay, um...she laughs a lot. It's my favorite sound in the world."

James blinked, finishing up his bite of food slowly before setting his plate down on the blanket. He leaned forward slightly, elbows on his knees, and urged, "Go on. Tell me more."

The intensity of James' gaze took Logan's breath away. It was both intimidating and reassuring at the same time, which made no sense but Logan was past trying to reason his way through emotion; emotion was entirely illogical. "She's in school. Well, daycare, but it's school, too. I haven't enrolled her in regular school yet, though she's smart enough that she could've probably done it two years ago. I just don't have the capability to pick her up until the evenings, so daycare works for now, but really she needs to be in school."

"Your mom works?"

"Yeah. And I know what you're thinking, if I'm in charge of the library I should be able to leave whenever I want to pick her up, but it's not just that. I'd have to bring her back to work with me and I won't do that, to her or to me. It's easier for now to let her stay in a place where she's around other kids and learning, and I know she's taken care of."

"Have you considered hiring someone? A nanny-type thing or even a babysitter?"

"I would if I could afford it. Libraries don't make a lot of money, the revenue comes from the state and county budgets. Seems like every time I turn around budgets are getting cut and I make sure to provide for my employees, so..."

"That doesn't leave a lot for you."

"I get by. I make sure Caroline's got what she needs, there just isn't any extra. It's not a bad life, I'm not complaining about it. For the most part, I'm happy. Caroline is my happiness."

"But she can't be your everything, Logan. If she was, you wouldn't be here."

Logan looked away, cheeks coloring.

"You get lonely, right? Lie in bed at night wishing there was someone to talk to? Someone to hold you and love you and tell you how amazing you are?"

"I...yeah. Sometimes."

"There's nothing wrong with that. You're allowed to have your own happiness, have someone to love."

"I feel like my entire focus needs to be Caroline."

"But if you had someone to share that with, to take some of that burden from you, wouldn't that be easier?"

"And you're ready to take on something like that? To be the other parent that Caroline needs?"

"We're not talking about me right now," James evaded. "I want you to realize that what you want isn't a bad thing, that you're allowed to be happy."

"I am happy. Caroline makes me happy."

"I know that, Logan, but you're lonely, too. Don't tell me you never lay in bed and jack off."

"James, Jesus! I'm eating here."

"I'm making a point, Logan. Your child is your world, but your child can't fulfill every one of your needs. You need a man in your life."

"Which is why I'm here, right? We've already covered this. I admit it, I'm lonely and I get horny and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. Life goes on, and you just focus on what you have rather than what you don't. And I have a hell of a lot."

When it had gotten to the point where he was practically yelling at James, Logan had no idea. They stared at each other in challenge, their food forgotten, until James finally said, "Tell me about Jane."

"Why?" Logan questioned, still irritated.

"Because I'd like to know, okay? Fuck," James muttered suddenly, rubbing his hands over his face. "Just talk to me. Please. Open up to me."

Sighing, Logan said, "She was my best friend. Losing her is the hardest thing I've ever lived through. I loved her and she made me laugh and I still miss her every day."

The mask was back, James' eyes shielded as he asked, "What did you love about her?"

"I don't know, everything? She was great with Caroline. Way better than me. She had the ability to feel rather than think, and I'm the opposite. She taught me how to not take life so seriously, to laugh at things rather than get upset or angry over them, to understand that I can't control everything. I just...I miss her," he finished lamely, the tears coming from out of nowhere but before he could even acknowledge them he was in James' lap, cuddled between long arms and with warm lips at his hair as James plucked his plate from his hands and set it aside.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Logan, that you have to live with that pain. It's okay to live again, you have to let yourself. For Caroline, too. You don't have to forget about Jane to move on."

"I know that." The tears threatened to spill, Logan unable to stop them suddenly, and James held him tighter, rocking them. Logan's arms came up to wrap around James, clinging as he buried his face in James' chest. "I'll never forget her."

"I wouldn't expect you to. That's why I want to hear about her, I want to see your face light up the way it does when you talk about her. I'm so fucking jealous of this woman who can make you look like that and—fuck. _Fuck_."

Logan knew exactly what that obscenity was about. That was the type of thing James wasn't supposed to say, not to any contestant, because it gave away too much of what he was feeling. Rather than let the moment pass, though, which was probably what Logan should have done, he lifted his face to James and asked, "You're jealous of my dead wife?"

Instead of answering with words, James expressed his frustration through touch, claiming Logan's mouth in that way that left both of them breathless. Logan shoved James onto his back and kissed him passionately as he stretched out over James' body before James' lips found his neck, sucking hard enough to rip a gasp from Logan as his hands tightened in James' hair. James seemed to like that because the suction increased, causing Logan to hiss and pull harder, and the cycle continued until James flipped Logan onto his back, barely missing his unfinished plate of food, and then Logan's shirt was being unbuttoned and lips were traveling down his chest and it had been so long, _so long_. They needed to stop, they couldn't let this go too far, both because of the show's rules and because they were on a public beach, but Logan was unable to voice that idea because every touch felt so good.

"How are you so amazing?" he whispered, fingers once again in James' hair as the lips made their way back up to his, James devouring him so that he couldn't have spoken again had he wanted to. When Logan's legs lifted up to wrap around James and pull him closer, the groan that left James made him shudder, Logan having never heard such a desperate sound from anyone in relation to him. He knew exactly what James was feeling, though, like he'd be consumed by the fire spreading inside him, the need for more.

"Brooke."

"Fuck," James muttered, rolling off of Logan and attempting to calm down.

Confused, Logan sat up and looked back at Rich. "Brook? Did you just say brook?"

"Inside joke," Rich replied. "It's his mother's name."

Completely lost, Logan rubbed his face. Thoughts were coming slowly at the moment. "I don't get it."

"Don't worry about it," James said. "Just...fuck. Okay. Want to go for a walk?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Logan stood, reaching down to help James up, and with Rich in tow they headed down to walk along the water, hands clasped tight again.

"Did you want to change into your trunks first or anything?" James asked.

"No, I'll just roll up my jeans in case the water comes up high enough to get us. Oh, and get rid of my shoes."

James did the same and then they were holding hands again, in a comfortable silence until James suddenly said "You're too far away, get over here." He laid an arm over Logan's shoulders, Logan sliding his around James' waist before resting his head on James' chest as they walked.

"Why do you always turn into an animal when we kiss?" James smirked.

"Me? You started that. One second we're talking about Jane and the next you're on top of me."

"Um, excuse me, I think you pushed me down first. Climbed on me like some kind of horny beast?" James teased.

Blushing, Logan hid his face in James' shirt.

"I'm not complaining, Logan," James laughed. "I'm curious, though, is it just me or are you always like that with a guy?" When Logan mumbled something unintelligible, James tilted his face up. "Try that again?"

Logan sighed, his face even more red now. "I said I wouldn't know. You're the first guy I've ever really made out with."

James stopped walking in disbelief. "You've never kissed a guy before?"

"I did once, in high school. It wasn't like what we do, though. It was more...a curiosity thing. We kissed for a few minutes."

"And?" James pressed. "Were you an animal?"

"I was too nervous to do much of anything. It was my first kiss at all. Jane was my second."

"Logan, are you kidding me? You've only kissed two people in your life?"

"Three now," Logan grinned, and with an effort he got James walking again.

"Wow. I feel...honored."

"You should," Logan joked. "I don't let just anyone maul me."

"But that's my point. Were you an animal with Jane, too?"

Shrugging, Logan hedged, "I had my moments."

"When you were drunk and actually lost control?"

"Um...no. Usually after..."

"What? You can tell me anything. Of course the entire world might hear it eventually, I suppose, but..."

"I feel like a horrible person about it."

"You could whisper it to me. I won't repeat it."

After thinking it over, Logan halted and lifted up onto his toes to whisper, "It was after I'd see a hot guy. I'd get turned on and attack her."

"Ah." With a grin James said, "Well, I'm a _really_ hot guy. Makes sense you're always an animal around me."

"Not conceited or anything, are you?" Logan quipped.

"If it wasn't true, I wouldn't say it." He leaned down to capture Logan's lips again, letting it go on until they had to step away or drag each other down to the sand. "See? That's what I'm talking about. I love that I can do that to you."

"I kind of hate it."

"Don't hate it," James whispered. "Embrace it." He kissed Logan again, keeping it slow this time and drawing it out, Logan sinking into it and allowing James to hold him up. A rough wave crashed against them, knocking them slightly off balance, and they giggled before setting off again, Logan's head back on James' chest.

"So besides Lana, who's important in your life?"

"My mom. I had a bodyguard for a while but he was an ass and never let me greet my fans. I do have those, you know."

"Yeah? Do they approach you on the street and stuff?"

"Occasionally. It's not at the stalker level but it's pretty cool to be recognized."

"Tell me about your mom."

"She's a bitch."

It was said so resolutely and without hesitation that Logan laughed.

"No, she really is. She loves me and supports all of my decisions, but she can be a royal bitch. She owns a cosmetic company. Ever heard of Brooke Diamond?"

"Uh...yeah, actually. I see the commercials on T.V. and the ads in magazines sometimes. She's pretty popular in my area."

"I know. But she's a ruthless businesswoman and always gets what she wants."

"So you've never rebelled?"

"A few times. I do stand up to her when I have to. I wasn't always able to do that, though."

"I bet. She's your mom."

"Yeah. She's helped me a lot with my career. I worked for her company after high school, helped her develop a men's line. And I tested a lot of make-up," he chuckled.

"You...wore make-up?" Logan asked in a hushed voice.

"I still do sometimes, for certain photo shoots and modeling gigs." When Logan was quiet, James said, "It's part of the business, Logan. Don't judge me."

"Oh, I'm not judging."

"No?"

"Hell no."

James halted again, staring down into Logan's eyes. "Holy shit, that turns you on."

"I...might have a small eyeliner fetish."

"Jesus Christ, I need to get you out to a club. I bet all those guys in make-up would have you attacking me in five seconds. I could wear make-up, too. Want to do that tonight? Get dressed up and go dancing?"

"Stop," Logan whispered, hiding his face in James' shoulder. "I'm not quite ready for that yet. And we have to get back before too long."

"Damn. Why did your date have to be the one we end early?"

"You chose it."

"Clearly I wasn't using my head."

They walked on a little further, James pointing out a hot air balloon above them. "I've always wanted to do that."

"Me, too. Wonder where they take off from?"

James lifted an eyebrow. "Yeah? You want to?"

The sheer joy in James' face would've made Logan say yes even if he hadn't wanted to. "Let's do it."

James called back to Rich with instructions for him to get in touch with someone to set it up. "You can come, too!"

"It's not like you have a choice!" Rich replied. He shut off the camera long enough to make a phone call, James and Logan sitting together in the sand and staring at the water.

"It's so peaceful here. Someday I want to live near a beach."

"So...if I did propose. If in the end this thing worked out for us...would you expect me to move there?"

"No."

"I'm not saying I wouldn't, I just-"

"I've been thinking more and more that when this show airs, I'll need to move anyway."

"No, you won't. Are you worried the people in your town won't accept you? Do they even know you're gay?"

"Only my mom knows that. But yeah, everyone will in a few months. I've got a little money saved up, and a couple of friends I'm pretty sure would help me if I needed it. They've got money. I'd feel awkward asking, but I know they'd do it if I did."

"And they know you're gay?"

Logan laughed, nodding. "Considering I met them here, I'd say so."

"Oh. You mean Kendall and Carlos."

"Yeah." James' silence, as well as the wall coming up again, prompted Logan to ask, "You know we're just friends, right? All of us? There's no reason to be jealous."

"I know you're friends."

"But that's all we are."

"I know, Logan. I'm aware that the three of you have formed a close bond and that it's going to continue when this is all over."

"Does that bother you? The idea that if you choose one of us, you might still have to see the other two?"

"Not in the way you're thinking."

"Then how?"

Rich yelled to them that a car was on its way and would meet them at the pier. "You guys have about twenty minutes to get back and pack up."

"Come on." James stood, pulling Logan with him, and they rushed back toward their belongings.

Pondering over James' words, Logan resolved to get an answer by the time they returned to the hotel that night.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

YES, IT'S ANOTHER CHAPTER ALREADY. I never do this, not in the same day, but I don't know when I'll have time to post the next chapter and since it's already written and everyone wants to read the rest of the date, I figure why not? I'll be working a lot the next few days, so here. Have the rest of the Jagan date now, and make it last.

I researched hot air balloons, and there are some that have baskets big enough to hold 15 people. While James and Logan's isn't that big, there is enough room for them to move comfortably. In case you read this and think they might be squished. They're not.

Um...what else? Thanks for reading! And guys, I'm sorry. Kogan is not happening in this fic. In the beginning it was a possibility, as there was flirting, but the more I wrote the less they felt romantically. Those of you who think it's still a possibility, let me crush your dreams now. That pairing has been eliminated. That doesn't necessarily mean Jarlos is out the window, but Kogan is. I'm sorry. **Gabsikle**, love me anyway! haha

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>The view from above was almost as breathtaking as James. Miles above the coast, Logan stood at the edge of the balloon's basket with James' cheek resting against his hair and James' arms around his waist. It was a moment he knew he would treasure always, the presence of both Rich and the balloon's operator barely registering in his mind.<p>

"Does Caroline know about all this? That you're trying to...find a daddy for her?"

The question came out of nowhere but Logan had suspected James' mind was constantly working on the Caroline aspect. "No. I told her I was taking a trip and would be back as soon as I could. Mom told her I'm getting to travel the world. Which remains to be seen."

"True, so far it's just the U.S."

"No hints on where we're going next?"

As soon as the words left Logan's mouth he wanted to take them back, panicked that James would be angry over his assumption that he'd still be there after tonight's ceremony. James only shook his head, though, saying, "Nope. You'll just have to wait and see."

Logan immediately relaxed, his fears put to rest on two levels; he was getting a rose tonight. Then again, James had been known to change his mind at the last minute. He'd done it twice so far regarding Logan, and who knew how many times with others. "Will it at least be outside the U.S.?" he tried.

"You're starting to sound like Carlos," James chuckled, kissing Logan's temple.

"Caroline wants a souvenir from Australia. Just putting that out there."

"Cute, but the locations are already chosen. It would take a lot to get them changed."

"Worth a try." Logan sighed and leaned into James, content. "It almost feels like we're flying. It's different than a plane, you can touch the sky."

"I know. I'd say I'm pretty close to Heaven right about now."

Logan nodded, glancing up before musing, "I wonder if Jane is looking down at us."

"Maybe." After a pause James asked, "What would she be saying if she was?"

"That she's proud of me," Logan answered with hesitation.

"For?"

"Taking a risk. Moving on."

James spun Logan around in his arms. "You're not a big risk-taker, are you?"

"Not really, no," Logan said with a tiny smile. "I tend to calculate the rate of success before going into anything, and of course figure out how it can all go wrong and then decide it's not worth the risk."

"But this was?"

Shrugging, Logan replied, "Something had to change. Whether it's here I find my next step or somewhere else, this brought about the change I needed in my life. I have a lot more confidence now, after meeting you and the other guys. Jane would be _extremely_ proud of me."

James nodded, then commented, "I can't even imagine living through that, Logan, the death of your wife. And with a kid to raise by yourself...weren't you scared at all?"

"I was terrified. Kept wondering how I'd do it, and I had these horrible panic attacks that would hit when I thought about it too much, worried about the future and my ability as a parent. I used to be so scared that I'd steer her in the wrong direction or not be able to give her what she needs."

"How did you get past that?"

"Well...my mom helped a lot. I was scared, and I was angry. The anger got out of control, especially when she kept talking to me about God and things happening for a reason. I'd never had a good relationship with God, being more logical and science-minded."

James smirked, "I don't think God is popular in a lot of the gay community."

"You'd be surprised."

"You know a lot of them?"

"No, but I read a lot," Logan smiled.

"Big surprise there," James teased.

"Hush." Logan smacked James' chest lightly. "Reading's good for you, you learn things."

"Why read myself when I have you and Caroline to just teach me everything? It's more fun that way, and you'd probably do something like kiss me when I get something right."

After getting over the shock of James' comment, Logan said, "If you're lucky. But back to the topic, religion is prevalent in the lives of many gays. It's just harder for a lot of them because so many churches teach that homosexuality is a sin."

"That's my point. Why would you go to a church where you're told you're a monster?"

"I could go on for hours about this, it's a subject I'm very passionate about, but we don't have that kind of time. As for me, I was never much into God but my mom was."

"And she still accepts that you're gay without trying to change you?"

"She never once tried to change me. I came out to her after Jane died, when the guilt was eating me alive. I was angry all the time and had kind of pushed Caroline away. Both because she was a reminder of Caroline and because I was so afraid I'd be a horrible father."

"And probably also because you were afraid to get close to someone again." When Logan looked surprised, James laughed. "I'm smarter than I look, you know. When it comes to emotions I'm pretty good at reading people. You frustrate me a lot because I never know what you're thinking."

"Join the club," Logan replied. "The only time I really know what you're thinking is when you're kissing me."

"Oh, really?" James giggled. "And what am I thinking when I kiss you?"

"That you never want to stop."

The laughter died abruptly, James' expression turning to stone.

"You don't like that, do you? That I can read you so easily, at least when it comes to your attraction to me."

"There are a lot of things I don't like about you, Logan."

"Ouch. I'll try to not take that personally."

"It wasn't meant as an insult. I promise."

They stared at each other again, the wonder of the view and the city below forgotten as Logan tried to figure out the meaning of James' non-insulting insult. James' arms had been around Logan's waist since they'd faced each other, Logan resting comfortably against him, and now Logan stepped back slightly, needing space between them and a moment to think; James overwhelmed him sometimes.

James let him go, face neutral as Logan spun around to place his hands on the basket's edge. "So we were talking about God."

"Right. Mom kept saying Jane's death happened for a reason, that God wanted her home, and it pissed me off. What kind of God rips a mother away from her child, you know?"

"Exactly."

"But she suggested I go to church with her, which I was ambivalent about, and she got me to do it by telling me all about the children's program they had there. By then Caroline was three but smarter than most four-year-olds and she didn't have a lot of friends."

"Did Jane work?" James asked suddenly.

"Not after Caroline was born. I worked more hours at the library, made myself indispensable to them so they'd keep me around and pay me more, and she was happy to stay at home and be a full-time mother. I preferred that anyway."

James nodded. "Go on."

"So we went with Mom once and Caroline had a blast. She talked all the way home about Jesus and how he lives in Heaven with Mommy and she's got wings now and...just a lot of stuff that made her happy. Happier than I'd seen her since Jane died."

James' arms slid around Logan's waist, his cheek back in place against Logan's hair, and with his eyes closed Logan continued. "So we kept going back, and eventually some of what the pastor said started to sink in. And I started to heal."

"How did you ever come to terms with her death, though? What made that okay?"

"It's not okay, James. It never will be. But it's now...acceptable. I don't like it, but I don't have to; that's not how God operates. He doesn't give us what we want, He gives us what we need."

"And what you needed was for your wife to die? Somehow I don't believe that, I'm sorry."

Logan shrugged. "It brought me here, didn't it? Gave me the push to find what I needed to truly be happy for the first time in my life. I'm not saying that's why it happened. The hardest thing is I may never know why it happened. But it's not for me to know. I just have to trust that it was for the best."

"Logan, how in the world could that possibly be for the best? I'm having a hard time buying that."

Logan bit his lip, putting his thoughts in order and wondering how much he should say. "There was this guy. He worked at the grocery store, and every time Jane went shopping she'd take Caroline. He was always giving Caroline things, and she said it was cute at first. Then the toys got bigger and eventually he told her he was buying them outside of work, just for Caroline. She wasn't sure how to take that, but it creeped her out a little. Then he started asking a lot of questions, about Jane and her life and she tried to go when he wasn't working but apparently the guy was the manager and worked a lot, like me. So I went in with them one time, a few weeks before she died, and the guy kept glaring at me. I got a really bad vibe. I told her to start shopping somewhere else and she did, but one day right before she died she stopped in for something she needed for dinner, said she didn't have time to go anywhere else and it was a quick thing. The guy pulled her aside and raged at her, accused her of flaunting me in front of him."

"Jesus, what a psycho." James shivered slightly.

"I know. She was shaken when she got home, and I called to complain about the guy but it turned out he was the main manager and what could I say? Two days later she was dead and I forgot all about him until I heard some of my co-workers talking about him getting arrested a few months later. Turns out he kidnapped women and tortured them for weeks before killing them."

"Jesus Christ, Logan!" James stepped away, rubbing his arms over himself as if he was freezing.

"I know!" Logan spun around again to watch James. "So once I started to believe in God and that whole 'everything happens for a reason' thing, I wondered if maybe that was the reason. Maybe God saved her from that and took her quickly rather than putting her through all that. It helped me get past her death. A lot."

"No shit. That's scary."

Logan nodded. "It's what you have to tell yourself when you're ready to scream, when you can't stand that bad things happen in this world. I have to trust that the Lord has a reason for everything, even when I don't understand it."

The intensity of James' gaze was again almost enough to knock Logan over. He reached behind himself to grip the edge of the basket, wondering if James was about to attack him and sort of hoping that was the case, but in the end all James said was, "I'm sorry you had to lose her, Logan."

"So am I."

"But..."

Logan glanced up, one eyebrow raised.

"But I'm really glad you're here."

This time it was Logan who dragged James close, their lips meeting desperately before their bodies did, and in less than a minute Logan's legs were off the floor of the basket and wrapped around James' waist. He couldn't breathe and he didn't even want to, just wanted to be owned like this for the rest of his life, wanted James to kiss him as if he was the air James needed to survive because when they gave in to each other, that's exactly what it felt like—Logan couldn't fathom _not_ being attached to James, how did he manage to live when they weren't kissing?

James lowered his body slowly to the floor, Logan settling in over his lap and then James was moving against him, the two of them panting and it wasn't enough, he needed more, always more, and before he knew it his hands were scrabbling at the buckle of James' belt, desperate to get it off him. James let out a sound of surprise that turned into a low moan, his own hands mimicking Logan's and finding Logan's belt, and when the word "Brooke" was called out once again Logan barely heard it but apparently James did; he shoved Logan off of him roughly and yelled out, "Fuck!"

Logan fell back onto the floor, chest heaving, and finally got it. "Your mother's name," he gasped. "It's the only thing that breaks through and makes you stop, isn't it?"

James nodded. "I told Rich to do that for me, because I had a feeling this would happen. How the fuck do you _do_ that, Logan?"

"Me? Why is it my fault?"

"Because you're fucking hotter than the sun! Jesus!" James stood up, holding onto the basket for a minute before reaching down to help Logan up. "Come stand with me and enjoy this view. That's why we did this, right?"

"Right. I'm in a hot air balloon and haven't even properly enjoyed it." He stepped up to the edge and James moved into place behind him, Logan automatically leaning back into him but then James was gone.

"Nope. Not a good idea yet." Instead James slid his arm around Logan's waist, Logan doing the same, and together they watched the city pass them by miles below.

* * *

><p>"We have about an hour before we have to be back." James reached out for Logan's hand, gripping it tightly as they headed toward the limo.<p>

"Only an hour? What happened to the day?"

"It flew by. Literally."

Logan giggled. "Clever."

"Told you. I'm smarter than I look."

"No comment. What do you want to do for the next hour?"

"No way. I told you, this is your day."

"We've done what I want to do all day, though! Isn't there something you wanted to do?"

"I did it. I spent time with you. And now it's almost over and I feel like a prince, having to give you up before midnight."

"Or..." Logan glanced at his watch. "Five, anyway. Why so early?"

"Because of the ceremony tonight."

"Oh. Right. I totally forgot about that."

"Did you? You're not stressing out over whether or not you'll get a rose?"

"Strangely, no." Logan smiled, then frowned suddenly. "Why? Do I need to?"

James laughed, reaching into his pocket. "Here. Let's put your fears to rest right now."

They stopped at the limo, James turning Logan to face him while still holding one hand. He pulled out the rose and smiled. "Logan, will you accept this rose?"

"Yes," Logan grinned. "I would be honored."

James started to fasten it into place but then stepped back. "So if I pick you, does that mean I have to go to church with you guys? Because seriously, that's not my thing."

Logan blinked, stuttering, "W-well...no, I'd never force anyone to do something like that if they don't believe in it, I don't push my beliefs on other people. I mean, you're welcome to come if you want, but-"

James snickered. "You're so adorable. I was kidding, Logan. You're getting the rose either way."

"You're such a dick."

"Whoa! Harsh words from such a pretty face. I think I deserve a kiss to make up for that."

"Oh, do you?"

"Mmm. Definitely."

"Not until I get that rose, buddy."

It was fastened in a flash, James leaning down to kiss Logan deeply, and his voice was soft when he said, "Thank you. I had a lot of fun today."

"So did I. We should do this again."

Laughing, James hugged Logan tight to him. "We'll see. And I'll tell you what I've already had to tell some of the guys. I want you to remember that I have to be fair and give everyone a chance. I could be passing up my soulmate by focusing on one or two people instead of the whole group, so it's important that I date you all. But the feelings I have are real, and they don't change when I'm away from you. Remember that when you see me with other guys, and know that I cherish every second we spend together."

"Wow. Okay."

"It's going to get harder, Logan, as the days go by. Have you seen the show before?"

"Yes. Jane was addicted to it. I know how bad it can get in the end, and how emotions get more intense and...I'm not looking forward to that."

"Neither am I. I've formed close bonds with a lot of you and having to say goodbye isn't going to be easy. When I think of sending any of you home it kills me."

"Even Scott and Peter?"

"We're not talking about Scott and Peter," James smirked. "Or anyone else, for that matter. But even sending them home was hard. My point is that as I weed out the ones I'm not meant to be with, that's leaving me with people I might be. People I like a lot. And eventually everyone is going to be sent home, except the one I decide is my future. That means you, Kendall, or Carlos will leave at some point."

"I know," Logan said softly. "I don't like to think about that."

"I don't either. But it's gonna happen. And when it does, don't hate me for it. I have to do it."

"Yeah." Sighing, Logan asked, "So why does it bother you that we're so close?"

James' gaze slid over Logan's head, his expression closing up.

"Talk to me. Is it a jealousy thing?"

"I'm not discussing it, Logan. You guys have done nothing wrong."

"Is it because of after the fact? You're afraid of what it'll be like when it's over and you've chosen one of us and feel guilty about the other two?"

"Can we talk about something else? We don't have a lot of time."

"Fine," Logan growled, frustrated. "You hungry?"

"Starved, actually. We didn't eat much of our lunch."

"Let's get some dinner."

The driver held the door open for them and they climbed into the limo, and for the last hour they talked of lighter things, enjoying simply being alone together.

* * *

><p>James gave him one last kiss before they stepped out of the limo, both of them smiling when they leaned away from each other. "I'd walk you to your room but I don't think I'd let you go."<p>

"I'll be fine. Thank you again, James. It was worth the wait for a one-on-one with you."

"Glad to hear it. See you at the party in a bit."

Logan nodded, then reached into the car for his backpack before making his way into the hotel, feeling as if he'd been on some vacation away from the world and now had to return to reality. He went straight to the main suite, relieved that Carlos and Kendall were nowhere in sight for the moment, and asked if he could have his few minutes to call his daughter.

Her greeting was music to his ears. "Daddy! I went to the zoo today!"

"You did? Grandma took you?"

"Uh huh! We went with Tyler. He got in trouble for trying to touch the tigers."

"Uh oh, is he okay?"

"Yeah. The monkeys were loud! Did you get me a kangaroo?"

Logan laughed, at the same time overcome with the need to hug her. "Not yet, sweetheart. I'm still hoping."

"I miss you, Daddy. You should come home tomorrow."

Heart squeezing, Logan fought back tears. "I miss you, too, pumpkin. I'll be home as soon as I can, I promise."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in a big city called San Francisco. Do you remember seeing the big bridge on that show we watched?"

"The red one?"

"Yes! I got to see that today. And I went in a big balloon, up into the sky."

"Daddy, I want to go in a big balloon!"

"We will, sweetie. I promise. I miss you," he said again, the urge to leave all of this craziness behind and jump on a plane hitting him so hard he couldn't stand it. As he reached up to run a hand through his hair it brushed against the rose, jolting him. He stared down at the rose and a calm settled over him. He had to stay, had to see it through with James. It was harder now, knowing he might end up losing this thing because now it was about more than finding a father for Caroline, it was about keeping the man he'd fallen in love with.

"Tonight we're gonna watch the 'Diego' movie. Oh, and I beat Grandma at Candyland again. She says we have to find a new game cause I always win."

Laughing, Logan said, "Try Chutes and Ladders. She's pretty good at that one, from what I remember. I have to go now, Caroline, but I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Be good and don't forget to brush your teeth tonight."

"I won't! I love you, Daddy."

Bare feet slapping on tile caught his attention and Logan looked up to see Kendall and Carlos dripping onto the floor, anxiously awaiting his report. "I love you, too, baby. So much. Goodnight."

"Night, Daddy!"

He hung up, the other two giving him a moment, but then said, "Grab me a beer?"

"On it." Carlos disappeared into the refrigerator and came up with three of them, passing them around. "So you're back! That's a good thing."

"Yes, I'm back. It went well, I think."

"No surprise there," Kendall grinned. "Come on, let's go talk in the room. We have to get ready for the party anyway."

Logan thanked the show's "monitor" who'd allowed him to call Caroline, then followed the other two down the hall to their suite.

"So did you two spend the day in the pool?"

"Pretty much," Carlos replied. "Kendall tried to drown my new monkey."

"You deserved it! I warned you before we even started the races that if you cheated, the monkey would suffer."

"I didn't cheat! It's not my fault I kept kicking you, you were too close to me."

"Oh, whatever. Shut up and go shower."

"No, I want to hear about Logan's date." Carlos settled onto his bed, not caring that he was getting the blanket wet with his trunks. "Come on, what was the surprise?"

"Well, he left it up to me. He said I got to choose where I wanted to go, and that I should surprise him."

Kendall sat down on his own bed after slipping into a fresh pair of boxers. "He let you pick?"

"Yeah. So we went to the beach and then in a hot air balloon. And had dinner at this little place right on the pier, I had the best clam chowder."

"What did you do at the beach?" Carlos asked.

"Had a picnic and talked. We talked a lot, actually. I didn't expect that."

"About what?"

Logan shrugged, turning to open his suitcase before answering Kendall's question. "About Caroline. He wanted to know about her and what it was like when Jane died."

"Wow." Carlos exchanged a glance with Kendall. "You guys went deep."

"We did. I think he's trying to figure out if this is something he'd really want to do, get involved with a guy who has a kid. And not just that, but a single dad, which means he'd take on half the burden of being a parent. It's not like dating someone who's divorced."

"How much did you two make out?"

"Carlos!" Kendall yelled.

"What? You know you're dying to ask."

Logan chuckled as he grabbed a nice shirt from the closet. "There was some. He's an amazing kisser."

"That he is," Carlos agreed.

"But it's good that you talked, too," Kendall commented. "Those are the kinds of questions he should be asking."

"Exactly. I don't want to end up with a guy who doesn't take it seriously. It's a big deal."

Kendall nodded. "And how did he seem to take it?"

Logan hesitated, thinking that over. "It's hard to know. He didn't show much as far as what he was thinking, but he did seem interested in knowing more. I mean, we seem to have a good thing together, and if it was just about the two of us I think it would work. But there's more to it, you know?"

Carlos frowned. "Did you two argue at all?"

"Um...we came pretty close a few times. I don't know what it is about him, normally I don't let people get to me. He does, though. Manages to piss me off."

Kendall smiled. "He does the same to me. Did I tell you guys I yelled at him that he should just send me home?"

Carlos' jaw dropped. "Dude, are you crazy?"

"No, I'm honest. At the last party we had, when we thought he was sending Logan home, I got pissed and told him he should just send me home if that's what he wanted to do."

Studying Kendall, Logan asked, "Because he was sending me home? Were you mad about that?"

"No, I was mad over whatever we were arguing about."

Nodding, Logan said, "Because...guys, he told me we all have to be prepared. That at some point one or all of us will be sent home as it gets closer to the end and we have to deal with it, not hate him for it. He's aware that we're so close. And I got the sense it pisses him off."

"It does," Kendall confirmed. "I get that, too."

"But why?" Carlos wondered. "Is he jealous?"

"He was, remember how he thought me and Logan had something going?"

"But you told him that's not true, right?" Carlos reasoned.

"I did, but...he's still jealous. We've talked about this, he's a jealous guy."

"But he's got nothing to be jealous of!" Carlos complained. "We're the ones who should be jealous, knowing he's making out with a bunch of other guys!"

"And I told him that, too," Kendall stated. "Which is why we started arguing. This whole concept is kind of fucked-up. We were crazy to even get involved in this."

"Just try going home now." Logan fingered his rose again, speaking quietly. "I think we're all in too deep."

Carlos frowned. "It's scary. Knowing you might not be the one he loves most."

Kendall nodded. "I think that's the key thing right there, Carlos. The word 'most.' Because he loves us all, but that's not enough. You have to be the one he loves _most_."

"It's going to be hard if he chooses one of us," Logan agreed. "Imagine having to see him after this is over, happy with one of us. Maybe we shouldn't get in touch right away after the show."

Logan's words had Carlos shaking his head. "No. I'm not letting him get in the way of my friends."

"Are we even allowed to talk to each other before the show airs?" Kendall mused.

"I'm not sure," Logan responded. "We may be forced to keep it a secret even from each other once it's over."

"But we'll all know," Carlos reasoned. "One of us will go home first, then the last week will be the last two. So we'll know who won."

"That's assuming the three of us make it that far. Don't forget about Ryan. And honestly, the more time James spends with the other guys, the more he falls. It's natural."

"Logan, when you say things like that I want to punch you."

"Carlos, you know it's true. He even said that to me, that he has to spend more time with everyone else. But he also said it doesn't mean he loves us any less."

Both nodded in response, having been told that before. "Well, at least you know you're safe," Carlos sighed.

"What about you guys? Still feeling like you'll get a rose tonight?"

"I will," Kendall answered. "The talk we had on the Ferris wheel...I'm not sure what it is, but he seems almost clingy at times. Maybe it's the fan thing, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere tonight. Carlos?"

"I think I'm good. Kendall, you were there. Am I good?"

"Yeah, I'd say so. He adores you. The only reason we went on that merry-go-round was because we knew you'd enjoy it."

"Seriously?"

"Yep. We talked about it on the Ferris wheel, decided to do it for you."

"Aww, that's so sweet! I love you guys!"

Carlos jumped up to tackle Kendall with a hug, Kendall managing to stay upright and not fall on the bed. Logan grinned. "I call the shower first! And it's good to know we're all still here for the next round. This is the first rose ceremony I haven't stressed over."

"You had a rose going into it before, though."

"True, Carlos, but there was the chance I'd lose you. You hadn't gotten one yet. And he made you sweat, remember? That was torture."

"You guys are awesome. You'd totally miss me if I got sent home, wouldn't you?"

"Of course we would," Kendall replied with a smile. "Whose monkey would I drown then?"

"Don't you dare touch Alex P. Keaton!" Carlos backed up, pointing a threatening finger at Kendall as he reached back to make sure his monkey was safe, if a bit water-logged.

"Alex P. Keaton? Oh my god, Carlos, are you serious?"

"Shut up, Logan, I love old T.V. shows! I named the cheetah Elyse."

"Of course you did. Will there be a Mallory and Jennifer joining the party soon?"

"If someone wins me animals again, yes. I hope we do another carnival."

Kendall shook his head watching Carlos, but he couldn't fight the smile that cropped up. "Maybe if we get another group date, I'll do it this time."

"You can try, but are you as good as James? He's wicked at those games."

"I _am_ a big brother, don't forget. I've won a few stuffed animals in my time."

"Maybe you should make James jealous! That would be awesome, then he'd want to hang on to me tighter."

"And get rid of me. No, thanks."

"We could do it to each other. Make him jealous of both of us."

"Carlos, you were the one who lectured me about jealousy and how damaging it is in a relationship."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. It would backfire and we'd both get sent home."

"By all means, then, do it," Logan smirked. "The sooner I get rid of you two the better."

"Logan, that is not very nice."

"See?" Carlos hissed. "I told you, Kendall, he's mean now! Let's punch him!"

Logan shrieked before rushing into the bathroom and locking the door behind him. "I was kidding!" he yelled.

"Meanie!"

Kendall laughed, thinking of Carlos' earlier words about a tiny part of him hoping Logan's date ended badly. He didn't think any less of Carlos for it, because truly they all felt that way to an extent.

It was how the game worked.

* * *

><p>For the first time, James did not request any private time with them at the party. It was a tad unnerving, but rather than take it in a bad way, they all put faith in the fact that James had meant every word he'd spoken to them and that they were safe.<p>

Logan, of course, had no fears on that score. When he took his place next to Dave off to the side, he smiled at Carlos and Kendall, who were nervous now that the moment was upon them. Logan hoped the smile was reassuring and though he couldn't see it, he knew that Kendall was holding Carlos' hand, as Kendall had held his the week before. He also knew when James stepped into the room that Kendall had let go, and he mouthed a "good luck" to them.

Three more were sent home that night, Kendall and Carlos safe. Kendall watched the three say their goodbyes to James and to the other guys, and he noted the sadness in James' eyes as he hugged each one. It couldn't be easy for him, and Kendall felt a moment's guilt for yelling at James that they had more of a right to be jealous than he did.

Looking around the room, he did a mental count. Of course Logan and Carlos were there, along with Dave, Jerry, Mike, Ryan, Austin, Jacob, Kevin, Max, Rob, and Jared.

_Thirteen of us left. We're halfway there._


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Claiming ignorance in this chapter if anything proves to be unbelievable. I've never been to Hawaii and though I read up on some things mentioned in this chapter, I'm guessing at a lot of it. As always, hoping I didn't screw anything up too badly and that if I did, it doesn't affect the plot of the story.

We're getting so close! Just a few more weeks until the hometown dates, when James gets to visit the families of the final four contestants. I remind you again that things continue to change and that no pairing is set in stone (well, in my mind it is, because I know what's going to happen, but as far as the story at this point, it can change).

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Everyone was excited to hear their next stop was Hawaii. It was a new place for both Logan and Carlos (Kendall had of course visited before, taking his family there on vacation one year), and they'd always wanted to visit.<p>

Chris came to visit once they were all settled in their new hotel, explaining that this week there would be one group date and a two-on-one date, and that this week only two people would be eliminated. Carlos asked what a two-on-one date consisted of and Chris informed them that James would take two men out at once, with only one receiving a rose; this meant one would go home at the end of the date.

The pressure was definitely on, tempers short as everyone waited in the main suite for the first date card. Rob and Austin were known to bicker constantly, with Ryan calming them down when necessary, and today it was worse than usual.

Kendall rolled his eyes as they started up again. "I hope James takes both of them on a date. Even a group one, I don't care as long as they're out of my hair for a while."

Carlos agreed. "Maybe they'll get that two-on-one date and one will be sent home. I wonder how they act around James. I bet they don't fight."

"I don't think either has been on a group date, so we wouldn't know. Actually, they haven't been on any dates. No wonder they're pissy. I hope they get something this time, at least."

That much they could all agree on, Carlos and Kendall nodding when Logan finished speaking. The door opened and everyone jumped up, rushing to gather around the envelope placed on a table.

"This is for the group date," Rob said as he picked it up. "Come on, James, don't let me down!" He opened it and started to read. "'Deep below the surface you can explore the way to my heart. Ryan, Carlos, Kendall, Logan.' Damn! That's so unfair, some of us haven't even been on a group date yet, and you guys have all had one-on-one dates!"

It was true, and as the four guys looked around at each other there was guilt on their faces. Relief won out, though, as they all realized this meant more time with James—and for the first time, the three of them would be with James at the same time.

"Does one of us have to go home at the end of this date?" Carlos asked in fear.

"No," Logan replied. "One will get the rose, but the others will stick around until the ceremony."

"At least we know we're safe from the two-on-one, though." As soon as Ryan said it, he cringed.

"Gee, lucky you!" Austin yelled. "Like he'd send you home anyway, he fucking loves you!"

"Hey," Kendall interrupted. "Back off, he has no control over what James does. It's not his fault."

Logan decided it was time to leave. "Guys, let's go get ready for our date." The other two followed him out the door, Ryan bringing up the rear.

"Thanks, Kendall. You didn't have to do that."

"Well, I understand why they're upset, Ryan, but it's not your fault."

"See you guys soon."

They waved at Ryan before heading into their own room, Carlos bouncing back onto his bed. "This is gonna be so cool! I get to hang out with you guys _and_ James!"

"Don't forget Ryan," Logan reminded him.

"Yeah, but Ryan's okay. I can't believe we all got another date so soon! He must really like us."

"I do feel bad for the rest, though," Kendall frowned. "Logan, didn't you say James said he needed to spend more time with the other guys?"

"He did. I'm kind of surprised we got dates at all this week. I expected us not to."

"It's because he loves us, guys. He can't get enough." Carlos jumped up to find his suitcase. "What do we wear? Logan?"

"Uh...let me think. Deep under the surface...so we're going underground."

"Hmm," Carlos mused. "Underground. So we should wear...pants?"

Kendall nodded. "I remember reading about some caverns last time I was here. We're probably doing something like that, exploring caves."

"That would be neat, I've always wanted to do that," Logan grinned, excited now. "Definitely jeans. Let's go with t-shirts, too. Maybe some button-downs we can tie around our waists."

Two hours later the four men were climbing out of a van in front of a sign that read Kazamura Cave. James rushed over to hug them all, and Kendall noted that he was more relaxed than they'd ever seen him on a group date. James was smiling, almost bouncing on his feet in excitement, arms around his and Carlos' shoulders to drag them inside a nearby building. "Come on, this is gonna be fun! We're exploring a huge cavern! Keep up, guys!" he called back to Ryan and Logan.

"This must be the side of him that Carlos sees," Logan smirked. "The little kid all grown up."

"It's cute, isn't it?" Ryan asked. "He's usually more serious with me."

"Me, too. Though that's probably because we tend to be more serious."

"Is it true you have a daughter, Logan? It's not my business but some of the guys were talking."

"It's true. She's back home in Wisconsin."

"And James...knows that?"

Logan nodded as they approached the other three and a man who had been waiting for them. "He does. So far he seems okay with it, which surprised me."

"I think there are layers to him that no one sees. It kind of scares me."

Shrugging, Logan replied, "I think what matters is that genuinely he has a good heart. I sense that much or I would've left a long time ago."

James craned his head around at them. "Guys, will you get over here? This is important stuff, you have to listen." He reached out an arm to grab Logan's, pulling him closer so that he was standing behind Carlos.

Brian, their guide, explained that they would be underground for the next three hours, exploring what was known as a lava tube. They were given lights and helmets to aid them below, instructed not to take anything they might see no matter how tempting, and even had to wear gloves. The guide asked if any of them was claustrophobic, to which they all shook their heads, and after a few more instructions they set off down a crazily-built ladder to the cavern below.

Carlos wondered if there were bats to worry about, and the guide laughed but informed him that no, they were safe from that. He led them through the caves, Logan joining him at the front of the little group after a few minutes in order to discuss everything they were seeing. As the history of the cavern was relayed, Logan threw out bits and pieces of his own knowledge, impressing Brian. Carlos was still a bit on edge, glancing around nervously as if a swarm of bats was going to descend at any minute, and Kendall absently grabbed his hand to reassure him as they walked. James and Ryan stayed between the two pairs of men, listening to Brian and Logan talk and asking questions occasionally.

As they went deeper, the temperature cooled and the air became more dense, making it harder to breathe. Carlos shivered, prompting Kendall to hug him close as they walked.

"You're fine," Kendall whispered. "He said there aren't any bats in here."

"Yeah, but did you hear what he just said about the old times? They used to throw people in here in the dark, to punish them. Leave them here to die. I bet there are ghosts."

"Carlos, there's no such thing as ghosts."

"You don't know that."

"Fine. If there are, I'll protect you, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Swear."

Carlos sighed, trying to relax, and looked ahead in the gloom to see James watching them carefully. He said nothing, just spun around and returned his attention to Brian, but Kendall's heart sank.

"Fuck. He's jealous again."

"But why? We're just talking."

"And cuddled up like a couple."

"Oh." Carlos stepped away, Kendall letting him before sighing. Why was it everything he did seemed to push James further away?

Then again, when he next looked up James' fingers were intertwined with Logan's, so really James had no room to talk.

Ryan wanted to hear more about those left for dead, so Brian indulged him. Carlos was now starting to get extremely creeped out and at that point Kendall didn't care—let James be jealous. He slid his arm around Carlos' waist, Carlos resisting at first because he was worried of what James might think, but the more Brian talked the more Carlos' resistance faded and he clung to Kendall, face buried in Kendall's chest by the time Brian instructed them to turn off their lights.

Carlos' head came up immediately. "Are you crazy?"

"Shh, I'm right here," Kendall whispered, and after snapping off his own light, he reached out to extinguish Carlos' as well.

The absolute darkness was meant to convey what it must have been like for those criminals who were left in the cave to die. With the sense of sight completely stolen away, the other senses heightened. James' grip on Logan's hand became stronger, and Logan felt another hand on his face as if searching before warm lips smothered his, setting his body on fire as he reached out to pull James closer. He felt like they were free-falling, no sense of direction or time or anything except the sensation of touch, and nothing existed other than the two of them seemingly floating in space.

Kendall was trapped in a death grip, Carlos' face buried in his chest once again and fingers digging into his back as Carlos clung to him. He wrapped his arms tight around Carlos and tried to reassure him through touch that everything was fine, they were perfectly safe and as long as he was there, Carlos had nothing to worry about. When Carlos' body began to tremble violently, Kendall pressed his lips to Carlos' hair, making shushing noises and whispering that Carlos was safe, that he'd never let anything happen.

It was only about a minute of darkness but it seemed to stretch on forever, Ryan finally flipping his light on and finding a nearby rock to sit on. James stepped away from Logan, both of them needing a moment to breathe, and Carlos slowly relaxed his grip on Kendall.

"It's okay, open your eyes. We're safe."

"You okay?" James called over.

Carlos nodded, not ready to let go of Kendall yet, but he found his voice. "Just freaked out."

"Let's get moving, we've got about a half hour of the tour left."

They all followed Brian, Logan purposely keeping his distance in an effort not to attack James, and as they finished up the tour he spouted off knowledge of their surroundings. Carlos remained under Kendall's arm, not letting him out of his grip, and eventually they reached the surface once again.

"That was certainly intense," Ryan commented.

The remaining four all stared at each other; they couldn't agree more.

* * *

><p>The evening was taken up by an authentic luau, the men joined by locals whose job it was to provide the true Hawaiian customs. There was music and so much food they felt as if they could be rolled home, the five of them sitting around a fire and laughing over nothing as they let their food settle.<p>

"Who's gonna dance with me?" James asked, eyes sparkling as he gazed on each one in turn. "Carlos?"

"Are you kidding? I can't even move. Ryan, go for it."

"No way. My sides are about to split. Kendall. You're up."

"Uh...I don't dance. Ever."

"Oh, really?" James stood and dragged Kendall to his feet. "You do now."

They all watched James lead Kendall over closer to the little band, Kendall shaking his head and looking scared.

"Man, this is awesome!" Carlos exclaimed. "Never thought I'd see Kendall scared."

"You should see him on horse," Logan giggled. "Poor guy, I thought he was gonna have a heart attack."

"Maybe someday I will," Carlos smiled. "Can we really come ride horses with you and Caroline?"

"Of course. One day when this is over and we have normal lives again, we'll do fun things like that."

"Kendall says we can all go back to San Fran, too. I wanted to do some shopping."

"That would be fun," Logan agreed, then realized how awkward this must be for Ryan. He glanced over but Ryan's eyes were glued to Kendall and James. Following his gaze, Logan took in James attempting to get Kendall to dance, both of them giggling but James trying to be serious.

"Look at them, they're so silly," Carlos said fondly.

Logan busted up laughing, the other two turning wide eyes on him. "I'm sorry, but coming from you...and I don't mean it as an insult. You're silly. And it works for you. It's why we love you so much."

Ryan nodded. "I have to agree, it makes everyone love you. There's not one person in that house who's said a bad word about you. Or hotel. Whatever. My point is everyone likes you."

"I keep hearing that."

"Maybe it's true, dummy." Logan shoved Carlos, who shoved him back, and then they were giggling as if they'd been drinking for hours, the mood buoyant. It lasted until James' hands were on Kendall, then his arms as well, and he was practically hanging on Kendall as they moved. Silence reigned at the campfire as all three watched, the carefree mood sinking when it became real again that only one would end up with James.

"Wow, that hurts," Carlos finally said softly. "Way more than it did when they were making out before."

"They're not even making out right now, just dancing," Ryan pointed out. "And it still hurts."

They looked up when Logan stood, then turned on his heel and walked away down the beach.

"You gonna go after him?" Ryan asked.

"No. He wants to be alone right now, I can tell."

They watched Kendall and James laugh again as Kendall almost fell, James catching him and holding on tight. "I think I've seen enough," Carlos remarked.

"What are you gonna do?" Ryan asked.

"Make it stop." After standing up and dusting off his pants, Carlos stomped over and pulled them apart. "Excuse me, I think it's my turn."

"Wow, Carlos, really? You're gonna cut in on me like that?"

"I'm gonna show you how to dance, Kendall. Stand back."

James' eyes widened in surprise, a smirk on his face. "Please. Show us how to dance."

Carlos did, the two of them mesmerized by his small but powerful frame. He danced around James, who eventually started dancing with him, Kendall finally returning to the campfire and dropping down next to Ryan.

"Where's Logan?"

"He went for a walk."

"Shit. Which way?"

"That way?" Ryan pointed down the beach, where darkness swallowed the shore.

"Fuck. I'll be back." After kicking off his shoes, Kendall took off running in the sand, overtaking Logan about half a mile down. "Hey. You okay?"

"Fine. I just needed some air."

"Logan, you're at the beach. There's air everywhere."

"I'm aware of that, Kendall."

"Then why did you-"

"I couldn't handle it, okay? It was fine when I didn't care, when I thought I was going home, but now it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm sorry. I can't...I don't want...I don't want to hate you," Logan finished, remembering Carlos saying the same thing a few weeks before. Now he understood.

"Ah, Logan, come here. Stop walking."

"No. I'll be fine, just give me a few minutes."

"Don't make me tackle you. I will."

"Kendall, just go back. I'm fine."

"Stop."

"I'm fine."

Kendall took a flying leap and tackled Logan to the sand, the water washing up to the shore and soaking them quickly.

"Oh great, now I'm wet. Thanks, Kendall."

"I told you to stop." Kendall stood, helping Logan up.

"You're lucky we left our belongings in the car. I'd be pissed if my wallet got ruined."

"You're pissed anyway. Knock it off, we knew how this was gonna be. Would it make you feel better to go make out with James in front of me? Go for it, I won't stop you."

Logan sighed, fighting for calm. "I'm sorry. You're right. I know you're right, it's just...really hard."

"You think I don't know that? I walked away from Carlos seducing him, and I bet right now they're mauling each other on the sand."

"Is that why you left?"

"No, I left because I was worried about you. And poor Ryan, sitting there by himself having to watch that."

"Yeah, let's go back. I do feel bad for Ryan. Carlos and I were just talking about what we're gonna do after the show and I felt horrible."

"He's not a bad guy, he's just not..." Kendall trailed off, not sure how to express it.

"He's not one of us. That's the best I can come up with."

"Exactly! He's not one of us. I got jealous when we came back from the carnival and you two were playing chess. Like you did after your first group date."

"We're ridiculous. How can we be jealous if we're just friends and want nothing more?"

Kendall shrugged. "It's just that kind of friendship. It's our little coven, and nobody else is invited into it."

"Except James."

"Except James," Kendall agreed. "He kind of fits, don't you think?"

"Yes, and I think that's the only reason it might work after the show, this friendship between the four of us. Because he fits. I'm still not sure he's okay with that, though, having to see us all after saying goodbye to two of us. Or maybe even all three."

"He'll have to live with it. I'm not giving up you or Carlos."

"Good to know."

When they returned, it was to find Ryan with James, and Carlos by himself at the fire. Kendall immediately felt guilty for leaving him alone. "Everything okay?" he asked, settling down next to Carlos and slinging an arm over his shoulders.

"Yeah. I felt bad for Ryan, so I told James to dance with him."

"Seriously?" Logan asked.

"Well, he was all alone over here. I feel kind of bad for the guy, he's kind of left out."

Kendall and Logan smiled at each other, then relayed the conversation they'd just had about the same thing. Carlos agreed with everything, adding, "I wonder if James will be able to handle it, though. Because he won't just stop loving the other two. And wouldn't we always be worried about that? Whoever wins him?"

"That's...a very good point," Logan responded, catching Kendall's eye.

"Let's not worry about it right now. For all we know, Ryan's going to win."

"He got the rose," Carlos said in a monotone.

"What?" Both Kendall and Logan squinted in their direction, and sure enough there was a rose fastened to Ryan's shirt.

"Well, fuck," Kendall whined. "What the hell did he do that we didn't?"

"Right?" Carlos complained. "They hardly talked all day."

"Maybe that's why he did it," Logan pondered. "Because he felt bad for leaving Ryan out. James would do that."

They all stared over at James and Ryan, who were laughing and dancing, though somewhat awkwardly.

"You know what I noticed?" Carlos tossed out. "About Ryan?" The other two waited, eyes on the couple near the musicians, and he continued, "James doesn't touch him."

"What?" Logan lifted an eyebrow at Kendall, who shrugged.

"I'm serious. I noticed it earlier today, when Kendall and I were walking behind them in the cave. Like...with all of us, there's always some kind of touching. He holds our hand or puts his arm around us or whatever. He even did that with Jerry and Dave on our group date last week, and in the limo on the first one with Jerry and Mike. But I've never seen him actually touch Ryan."

Kendall frowned, thinking that over and calling to mind the few times he'd seen the two of them together. He realized then that he hadn't actually witnessed them together much.

Logan's mind seemed to be running the same track. "We haven't seen them together a lot, Carlos. How are we to know what happens when they're alone?"

"But that's my point. How much can really be happening when they're alone if nothing's happening when they're around other people? I mean, not even hand-holding? James _loves_ to hold hands. Look at them right now, they're dancing but there's all that space between them. He was hanging all over Kendall."

"You too," Kendall threw in. "He was hanging on you, too."

"Exactly. Logan, go cut in. See if he touches you while you dance."

"I'm not interrupting them! That's rude!"

"Just do it!"

"Carlos, no!"

Kendall nudged Logan. "I think he's got a point. Go dance with him, see what happens. In the beginning he didn't touch you much, right?"

"No, but that's because he always felt like I didn't want to be touched. The first time he kissed me, he said he thought I was never going to let him do it. Not that I'd ever stopped him."

"I'm telling you," Carlos pressed. "I've been watching them, they don't touch. That's got to mean something."

"Go, Logan." Kendall pushed him harder. "Go break them up, see if James touches you."

"You guys are insane." Logan stood up anyway, rolling his eyes before making his way over hesitantly.

James' gaze caught him over Ryan's shoulder, his lips splitting into a grin. "Logan! Last dance of the night, get in here."

Ryan graciously moved away, smiling at Logan before heading back toward the campfire, and the second his back was turned Logan was in James' arms, pulled up close against his body.

"Hey, I was afraid you weren't gonna let me dance with you."

"I hate dancing."

"Not really a surprise." James' hands slid up Logan's arms, settling behind his neck. "You can touch me, I won't bite."

"Unless I want you to," Logan grinned, sharing the old joke, but his arms wrapped around James' waist. "I'm not sure how we can dance to this type of island music in quite this position."

"We'll make it work." James leaned in for a kiss, Logan sighing in relief because every time their lips touched it felt like coming home. He didn't allow it to go on too long, knowing they were being watched and how deeply it hurt to witness, having been on the other end. "Thank you for inviting me on this date. The caverns were amazing."

"Yeah, I remember watching something in school when I was kid, these guys went exploring and I always wanted to try it. That's what's cool about doing this show, I'm getting to try things I've always wanted to."

"You were so cute, all excited about it. Ryan and I thought it was adorable."

"Oh, did you? Is that what you two were whispering about behind us?"

"Damn, this time I actually _was_ whispering about you and got caught."

James laughed, kissing Logan's forehead before hugging him close again. "How's Caroline?"

"She's good! Pissy because my mom finally found a game that she can win."

"Oh, yeah? Which one, I'll try it on Lana's niece."

"Chutes and Ladders. It's about counting more than colors, but it's still anybody's game. I'm not sure why Caroline has worse luck with it."

"Does she still want you to go to Australia?"

"Of course. She asks every time I call. 'Did you get me a kangaroo yet?'"

"Is that why she wants you to go there?" James giggled. "She thinks you're gonna bring her back a kangaroo?"

"A baby one, to be exact. And when I made the mistake of calling it that last night, I was harshly reminded that it's called a joey."

"It is?"

"Yes, James. A baby kangaroo is called a joey."

"Huh. See? This is why I need you around. I learn things. And then I drop these random bits of knowledge into a conversation and I sound smart."

"Right, because there's no other reason to keep me around." Another giggle escaped James, prompting Logan to comment, "You're happy tonight. I haven't seen you this relaxed before today. What changed?"

"A lot of things, Logan. A lot of things. And no, I can't talk to you about them. But as I get closer to my goal, I let go of things that drag me down. And we'll leave it at that."

Thinking of the three who had gone home in San Francisco, Logan wondered again what had happened between James and Peter. He knew better than to ask, though, and wondered who would be sent home this week. Only two were leaving. Would any of their group be sent home? Or Ryan, perhaps?

"By the way," James murmured, leaning down to speak into Logan's ear. "I've discovered something about myself that I never would've guessed."

"What's that?" The tone of James' voice sent shivers down Logan's spine and it was only then he realized just how closely they were standing and that their "dancing" wasn't more than swaying in time to the music. His breath caught when James spoke again.

"I'm apparently turned on by smart guys. Watching you in that cave today, using all those big words and knowing so much about everything, every time you mentioned the name of a rock or started talking about how lava cools and turns to magma, whatever the hell that is, I wanted to jump you."

Logan's head dropped onto James' chest, his breathing stilted. "Is that why you attacked me in the dark?"

"I couldn't help myself. The opportunity was there and I took it."

"I wasn't complaining. And I think if Rich was here, he'd yell 'Brooke' right about now."

Surprised, James laughed hard, hugging Logan tight before putting distance between them. "Rich has the day off today, we're stuck with Larry. He's a nice guy."

"He's really quiet, too. I kept forgetting he was even there inside the caves earlier."

"Yeah, they're good at their jobs. Really good."

"James, I'm completely monopolizing you. It's not fair to the other guys, we should get back to the fire."

"Fine," James sighed. "It's about time for dessert anyway."

James held Logan's hand until they were back to the other three, then squeezed it before letting go and sitting down between Carlos and Ryan. Carlos shot Logan a look that said "I told you so" and Logan smirked. It was true, the moment Logan was near James' hands were on him. Now as he watched, James laid a hand on Carlos' knee, absently twining his fingers with Carlos' when Carlos reached down to touch it.

Logan had no idea what it meant, but it was absolutely the case—James did not touch Ryan. He'd hugged them all at the cave when they first met up, and he hugged them all again when they said goodnight (Carlos even got a kiss on the cheek), but otherwise James' hands were nowhere near Ryan for the rest of the evening.

It gave them all hope.

* * *

><p>The two-on-one date was given to Austin and Rob, and once they were gone the general consensus was that no matter who went home, at least there would be peace in the house. The group was allowed out to enjoy the beach for most of the day, all of them reveling in the freedom and alternately sunning themselves and playing in the water until it was time to return for the rose ceremony. They found that Austin had returned, Rob had not, and that left them with only one to be eliminated that night.<p>

At the cocktail party, James made a point to take each of their group aside, if only briefly, and each was left knowing they'd be getting a rose—not from anything James said, but the fact that he assured them with kisses that his feelings hadn't changed. With Logan there was an extra step, one that shocked him, and when James mentioned it, Logan asked him to repeat the words.

"I asked if maybe we could call Caroline. If you're not comfortable with that, it's totally fine."

Looking at James more closely, Logan saw that he was terrified. Whether of Logan saying no or saying yes, he wasn't sure, but he forced his heart to stop thundering and said, "She's probably in bed. It's later there. Like the middle of the night."

"Right. I wasn't thinking."

Sensing that James was mentally backtracking in a hurry, Logan suggested, "Maybe we can do that next time we're alone together. I don't know when that'll be, or even if we'll get that chance, considering I might be going home tonight, but if there's an opportunity, we'll do that."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Logan smiled. "I'm not sure how I'll introduce you, I guess as my friend, but if you tell her you might take me to Australia, she'll be your best buddy. Mention you might bring her a koala, and she's yours for life."

James laughed, pulling Logan in tight and kissing him lightly. "I'll keep that in mind, should the opportunity arise."

When they all gathered for the ceremony, Kendall and Logan stood with Carlos between them, the three holding hands. Logan mused that eventually they wouldn't be able to do that, because there wouldn't be enough men left standing in front of them to block the view, but for now he was happy to have his safety blankets there with him. Jacob was the only one to not receive a rose, and Kendall let out a breath of relief when it was over.

They were down to eleven now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Some things about this chapter. I wrote it based on my own memories of Las Vegas the way it was when I lived there. Afterward I did some research and discovered that the Luxor Hotel has been remodeled and they took out some of the attractions I mentioned, but I left it anyway. Also, as far as the IMAX theater, I'm aware that there was a bar that came down to keep you from leaving once the movie started—I'm ignoring that. Just go with it.

Long chapter here, but I wanted to get it all in one post so that dates aren't broken up into two chapters (like the Logan one was before). It's just easier to think of it all in one sitting.

A reminder that things can and will change as the story progresses. Don't assume James has made his decision yet, but of course you can hope for whatever ending you want. :) Also remember that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>This time Carlos did insist on the window seat, dragging Kendall down next to him as they got settled in for the long flight to Las Vegas, Nevada. Logan was only slightly disappointed they weren't bound for Australia, but knew chances of that were slim.<p>

As they neared the city, Carlos gasped. "Look! That big pyramid thing! I hope we get to go in there, I heard the elevators are funky."

"They are," Kendall confirmed. "They're called inclinators and they go at an angle."

"Of course you've been here," Carlos sighed. "Is there any place you haven't been?"

"Lots of places. Why don't you ever travel? You've got the money, right?"

"The business, remember? Since I was a kid, that's been my whole life."

"That and the gang from 'Happy Days'," Kendall teased.

"Yeah, I miss my boys."

"Why don't you have any female dogs?" Logan asked.

"I don't know, I just picked the ones that stood out to me at the shelter. Except for Chachi, I got him when he was almost hit by a car. That little shit stood in the middle of a busy-ass street and barked at the car like 'How dare you?' Ah, Chachi." Carlos shook his head as the other two laughed. "What about you, Logan? You ever been here?"

"No. I don't travel much anyway, but especially since Jane died."

"That's all gonna change if you end up with James," Carlos reminded him. "He'll fly you around the world."

Logan frowned, and Kendall said, "Not necessarily, Carlos. He's got to know that if he chooses Logan, he'll be expected to be home more. I mean, that is what you want, right?" he asked.

"Yeah," Logan sighed, "but it's not really fair to ask him to give all that up, either. If he wants to, fine. But I'm not sure he's thought all that through. It's a huge adjustment."

"True," Kendall agreed. "Have you guys talked about that aspect at all?"

"A little. He said fame isn't everything it's cracked up to be and that he'd do what he could to protect me and Caroline, but...I'm not sure that's enough. Right now, I really don't know if what he's offering is what Caroline needs."

"Do you love him?" Carlos asked simply.

"Yes," Logan answered without hesitation.

"Then everything else will work out."

Both Logan and Kendall stared in wonder at this man who had such absolute faith in love to overcome all obstacles.

"Hey, guys!" Ryan called over from his side of the plane. "Did I hear you talking about the Luxor earlier?"

"Yes!" Logan answered, shaken out of his thoughts. At Carlos' look of confusion, he explained, "That's the big pyramid."

"Oh!"

"Chris told me we're staying there!" Ryan smiled.

"No way! How cool is that?"

Carlos' excitement was infectious, and by the time everyone left the plane, they were ready for a good time.

* * *

><p>The group date came first. Everyone knew there were to be two single dates and one group, and they all prayed for a one-on-one even though Logan, Kendall, Carlos, and Ryan felt it would be unfair for any of them to get it. Still, their fingers were crossed to be excluded from the group date.<p>

Austin read the card this time. "Okay, here we go. 'Together we'll learn how to not ruin the ancient art of love. Jared, Kevin, Mike, Logan, Dave.'"

Logan's heart went wild. While it wasn't time alone with James, it was still time spent with him, and Logan knew James would find a way to make him feel special. He also knew what a bad idea it was for the two of them to be alone, and giggled softly before clearing his throat at the glares received from those who still hadn't received a one-on-one date.

That left two single dates, and as the three returned to their room Carlos said, "Okay, Kendall. We still have a chance here."

"What are the odds we'll get a second one-on-one before those guys even get a first?"

"Pretty good, I'd say," Carlos grinned. "He really likes us."

"Yes, but he tries to be fair."

"That's true," Logan agreed. "He also said once that he doesn't want to focus too much on one guy and pass up what might prove to be his soulmate."

"Well, he has no worries, because I'm right here and he's not passing me up."

Kendall immediately shoved Carlos off the bed they'd settled on, Logan laughing as he rooted through his suitcase. "Okay...ruin and ancient and learn. I'm assuming we're going to ancient ruins of some kind."

"Are there any of those around here?" Kendall questioned, scooting over to make room for Carlos again.

"Not that I know of. There are a few Indian reservations, though. Maybe he means that?"

"Who knows?" Carlos waved a dismissive hand. "You'll just drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. All I know is it's hot out there, so don't wear anything heavy."

That was sound advice, so Logan dressed in his usual jeans and a t-shirt, taking along a light jacket just in case.

James picked them up this time, strolling into the main suite with a smile for everyone. Jared and Dave swarmed him, Mike gravitating toward Logan while Kevin stood aloof.

"You guys ready to learn today?" James asked with a grin.

Dave's eyes narrowed. "You're not gonna quiz us at the end of the date, are you?"

"Maybe," James smirked. "Make sure you're listening. Kevin, get over here." He lifted an arm in invitation, Dave moving out of the way while James pulled Kevin aside and out onto the balcony.

"What's that about?" Jared asked suspiciously.

Everyone shrugged, none of them knowing too much about Kevin; Jacob had been closest to him, and Jacob was now gone.

Remembering the time James had pulled him aside before a date, Logan suggested, "Something probably happened that they need to clear up."

"When?" Austin argued. "He hasn't been on any dates."

"That's not true, he was on ours," Kendall stated, referring to himself and Logan. "In Arizona."

Max nodded. "He was. When you guys had to walk the horses, he was pissed. Kept saying Logan must've done it on purpose."

"Give me a fucking break." Rolling his eyes, Kendall continued, "You can't fake a horse's sprained foot. He was just jealous."

Thinking back to the reactions from all the guys when James had instructed them to go on, Logan agreed; there had been a lot of jealousy that day.

Once they returned, James' arm was firmly around Kevin's shoulders and he seemed appeased for the moment. Logan could foresee that James was going to dote on Kevin for the span of today's date and tried not to get jealous, but anytime James touched one of the other guys it was difficult to watch.

"Carlos. You haven't badgered me yet, what's wrong?"

Logan looked up, James' words surprising him as Kendall snickered.

"Told you, Carlos. Even James knows something's on your mind when you're quiet."

Carlos shoved Kendall, who giggled and barely kept his balance, before addressing James. "I'm just making a list of all the things I want to say to you on our next one-on-one date."

"Uh oh," Kendall teased. "Look out, James, you'll never shut him up. Ever heard of Chachi, the little dog who's all bark and no bite?" Kendall pointed at Carlos, nodding.

Both Logan and James laughed while Carlos glared at Kendall. "Dude, I know where you sleep. Remember that."

"But only I know where I hid Joanie."

Carlos' face paled. "Joanie? Where's Joanie?"

"Be nice to me today and you'll find out."

"Shit. Joanie!" Carlos rushed out of the room, then ran back quickly to give James a smack on the lips. "Bye, James!" Then he was gone again, leaving the group shaking their heads.

"He's like a hurricane," James smiled. "Come on guys, we're not going far but we have a lot to cover today." Keeping Kevin close, James led his dates out the door.

At the rear of the group, Logan glanced back to wave at Kendall.

"Good luck," Kendall mouthed.

Logan nodded, but he'd noted the same thing Kendall had-as the pressure heated up, Carlos' antics weren't as adorable to those who were jealous as they once had been. "Keep an eye on him," Logan instructed.

Kendall smiled. "Already planned."

* * *

><p>As the inclinator descended, James informed the small group that their entire date would consist of activities inside the hotel.<p>

Surprised, as Logan had expected to visit ruins of some kind, he commented, "How does our date card make sense then?"

"You'll see," James winked.

Logan noted that Mike was still gravitating toward him as they moved through the hotel's lobby level. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just..." He leaned closer and said quietly, "I never know who to trust, I feel like everyone wants to take each other down. Ryan said you're someone I can trust."

"Oh. Really? Thanks. I don't play dirty, I figure if I'm not meant to be with James, someone else is and why should I stand in their way?"

"Exactly! Why can't everybody else think that way?"

"Because most people only think of themselves."

"In the beginning I was kind of like that. On our last group date together I was working hard to gain James' attention."

"What changed that?"

"A couple things. Ryan, for one. He told me James wouldn't go for that, and he was right. But you guys, too. None of you except Carlos throw yourselves at him, and yet he still seems to like you best. I figured Ryan must be right."

"You and Ryan are pretty close?"

"Yeah, we're gonna keep in touch when this is over. Even if he wins. Which would be hard, I guess, to see him with James, but like you said-if they're meant to be together...you know?"

"I do." Logan noticed James turn back as if searching and sped up. "Come on, he hates it when we lag."

"Guys!"

"We know, we know!" Logan called out over the sound of slot machines from every direction. "Coming, James!"

James grinned at him. "Got caught again, didn't you?"

"Paranoid, James?" Logan grinned back.

Satisfied now that everyone was together, James winked and faced forward again to lead them toward an escalator. Logan's heart fluttered, and he wondered what it was about James that a simple wink could affect him so deeply.

The upper level of the hotel was dedicated to tours and attractions relating to ancient Egypt, and Logan began to understand. It wouldn't be an actual ruin they were exploring, but most likely facsimiles of them with possibly a few actual artifacts here and there. Either way, he was excited, the prospect of spending a few hours studying mummies and pharaohs a welcome one.

They stepped up to King Tut's tomb, a member of the staff waiting for them and explaining that it would be a self-guided tour with the aid of wands that held pre-recorded information they could play at each station.

"Oh, we won't need those," James said with a wave of his hand. "We've got Logan."

Eyes widening, Logan spluttered. "Excuse me?"

"Come on up here," James smirked. "You're our guide for the day. I'm sure you know more than these little wands anyway, right?"

"Uh...maybe?" Blushing, Logan stepped up next to James. "You want me to be the guide?"

"Absolutely. Use all your big words and impress us."

Feeling that the other guys were not happy about this, Logan nevertheless did what James asked, reading the plaques quickly at each station before explaining it in his own words and adding his own knowledge. A few of the guys actually seemed interested, asking questions that Logan answered as well as he was able, but it wasn't until about halfway through when he felt James' gaze piercing him that Logan finally got it.

"_I'm apparently turned on by smart guys."_

One glance at James was all it took for Logan to know that James did indeed want to "jump him" right then and there, though he was doing an admirable job of keeping his feelings masked. Logan, however, had come to know that look in James' eyes, and his body responded immediately, so powerfully that he had to turn away and rest a hand on the glass enclosure of the current station they were gathered in front of.

"What are we doing after this?" Kevin asked suddenly.

"There's another attraction like this one, as well as an IMAX presentation about mummies," James replied. "And then we'll have a little fun in the casino."

Kevin huffed, "Is Logan going to be our tour guide for that stuff, too?"

"I think he's way more entertaining than those little recorded things would be," Mike commented. "He can answer all my questions."

"Or at least guess," Logan smiled, turning back to face them. James winked at him and Logan blushed before shuffling to the next station and continuing the "lesson," again feeling James' hazel eyes on him.

The next attraction went in a similar fashion, Logan spouting his "big words" while the other guys listened and learned-all except Kevin, who Logan was getting increasingly hostile vibes from. Perhaps Kevin was aware of the undercurrent between them as well. Remembering the feelings he got before leaving the hotel that morning, Logan thought Carlos wasn't the only one who needed to watch his back.

As the group made its way to the IMAX theater Logan purposely hung back at the rear, letting the other guys fawn over James. This time when he and Mike talked quietly amongst themselves James allowed it, so maybe he was picking up on the hostility as well and was content to let Logan slide under his radar.

Or maybe he was enjoying the adoration of many, as James was wont to do.

Logan was disabused of that notion when everyone was being seated for the movie. The place had been reserved for their group, empty when they entered the large room, and James stood at the edge of the front row allowing everyone else to be seated first. When Logan passed, James stepped on his foot hard, Logan halting in surprise and a little bit of pain as a gasp left his mouth.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Are you okay?" James motioned for Mike to take a seat while staring at Logan in concern.

"Yeah. Ow, though," he chuckled.

"Sorry, dude. Sit down, rest your foot."

Logan did, moving toward the center and taking a seat next to Mike before James settled in next to him. "You gonna make it or should I go get some ice from the snack bar?" James teased.

"There isn't even a snack bar here, James. I'm fine, it just smarts." The word set off a light bulb in Logan's brain, and he understood that just as James had planned their date so that Logan could "teach," he'd sneakily maneuvered Logan into the seat next to him. "You're a dick," he grinned, keeping his voice low.

"I get what I want," James whispered, nuzzling his lips against Logan's earlobe in a way that had him fighting to suppress a shudder.

Logan glanced to his right to find both Kevin and Dave watching closely. He closed his eyes, sighing inwardly, and hoped James wouldn't make this worse by putting an arm around him at some point. Truly it wasn't fair, James should have sat himself in the middle of the contestants. A greedy, jealous part of Logan was glad he hadn't, though.

About halfway through the movie, which normally would have had Logan's attention glued to it because not only was it informative but in 3D, James stepped on his foot again. He bit his lip to keep from crying out in surprise, though really he shouldn't have been; he'd been attuned to James' every movement and knew James was feeling what he was, the need to touch or go insane. It still blew Logan's mind that James could feel such intense desire for him.

James stood up without a word and was about to exit when Kevin started to rise. Something in James' eyes had Kevin sitting right back down, James saying he'd return shortly, it was just a trip to the bathroom. Before leaving he kicked lightly at Logan's ankle, Logan ignoring it because if he stood up now and followed James, all hell would break loose.

Logan lasted all of five minutes before the pull was too strong. "Fuck," he muttered to himself, rising after whispering to Mike that he'd be right back.

"Where are you going?" Kevin glared, not caring how loud he was.

"Chill, Kevin. James should be back any minute. And if you're so worried about it, come take my seat." Without another word, Logan turned his back and headed up the aisle, wondering if James was waiting for him in the bathroom.

As he passed a closet the door suddenly opened and he was yanked into it, the door slamming behind him before James kissed him hard. There was no time to react, Logan simply sank into it, letting the lust rise as it always did when James' lips were on him. When James pressed him up against a wall, Logan's legs as usual found their way around James' hips as his tongue dove deeper into James' mouth.

It occurred to Logan that there was no cameraman around. He seriously doubted any cameras had been installed in this closet and wondered if that was why James chose it, and then wondered why Rich hadn't followed James in the first place. Further thought was erased as James' hand slid between them to cup him, Logan's legs lowering to allow him to thrust into the grip with a groan.

A loud knock on the door caused them to freeze, panting as they stared at each other with wide eyes as if not sure how they'd arrived at this place. "Fuck," James hissed, backing away and running a hand through his hair.

A second knock was followed by "James? You in there?"

James let out a ragged sigh and peeked out. "Yeah. We're good. We'll be right out." He closed the door, licked his lips, and started giggling.

"Rich?" Logan asked.

"Yep. He's like my personal watchdog. I need to stop being alone with you."

"This was your fault. My feet will not thank you for the abuse."

"I barely touched you. And it's not like this was torture for you, animal."

Logan couldn't argue that, smiling slowly before dragging James back down for a long kiss. He knew it wasn't fair to keep James to himself but their time was so limited anyway that he couldn't help it.

"Listen," Logan said when they pulled apart. "Kevin's about to go ballistic. Show him some attention when we get back in there?"

"Always trying to push me toward someone else," James smirked. "You and Kendall are masters of that."

"Really? Kendall does that?"

"For you and Carlos, yes. He looks after you two."

"I know. We look after each other." When a sliver of something unreadable crept into James' eyes, Logan pounced. "Okay, talk to me. Tell me why you hate it that we're so close."

"I don't hate it," James argued, immediately annoyed. "Why do you keep bringing it up?"

"Because it obviously bothers you and we deserve to know why."

"You don't get to know why. I can't talk about a lot of things and you have to deal with it."

"I love how you use that excuse whenever it's convenient for you. We're not on camera right now, James, so talk."

"We need to get back in there."

"Oh, so now you're in a hurry. You need to learn how to talk about your feelings."

"_You_ need to learn how to accept that there are some things in life you won't ever understand."

Logan blinked, feeling like he'd been slapped across the face. "Seriously? You're telling _me_ that? You think I haven't accepted that, after the talk we had in San Francisco?"

James shook his head, turning away. "Just let it be, okay? This isn't something you'd understand."

"Then explain it! Help me understand! You're always telling me to open up, why not try that yourself?"

"I can't!" James exploded. "I have to keep everything bottled up, I don't have buddies to talk to like you do! I don't even have Lana, and I'm going crazy without her because she always knows what to say. She always knows what I want even when I don't and right now I'm going insane, there's so much, just so much I'm feeling and I don't know what to do and-"

Logan kissed him, calming him down in the one way he knew would work. James didn't respond at first, so worked up, but then he let Logan soothe him, opening his mouth and heart to take what Logan offered until they were kissing deeply, though not in their usual desperate fashion. "I'm sorry," James whispered, arms closing around Logan to hug him close. "It's just so hard. I didn't know it would be this hard."

"I know. I'm sorry, too. This is hell on everyone involved. Just trust your heart, James. Let it tell you what's right for you and when you need to cry, we're here. I can promise you that much, Kendall and Carlos and I are here for you if you need a friend."

"Until I send you home. What then?"

Logan's heart cracked at the prospect, but he smiled and said, "Then you'd better make sure we stay until the final round."

James chuckled, kissing Logan's hair. "You're all so wonderful. How am I possibly supposed to choose between all of you?"

Logan wasn't sure if James was referring to everyone or the three of them, but he answered, "I don't know. I don't envy you, James."

James closed his eyes. "It's not all fun and games, you know. Yeah, making out with a bunch of guys is nice, but hearts are gonna get broken." After a pause he mused, "Do you think World War III has broken out in there yet?"

"Are you seriously amused by that? I have to live with these people, you know."

James smirked. "Sorry. I don't mean to make it harder on you. Just stop being so sexy."

"Stop putting me in positions you _find_ sexy."

"Oh, there are a number of sexy positions I'd like to try with you."

"James!" Logan gaped, face red.

James laughed, hugging Logan to him again. "You're so cute when you blush. And we'll have to talk about sex at some point, right?"

"If I make it that far."

"Oh. Right. Exactly. Let's just get back in there."

Smirking at James' slip and wondering if James did that with everyone or just him, Logan stopped him. "Wait. I was wondering something. You said the locations are already picked, but I have no doubt you set up this date specifically to watch me be a tour guide. How does that work?"

"The cities are chosen. I work with the producers, though, and get to plan the dates."

"Ah. Very nice."

"I thought so."

"So...no chance for Australia?"

James laughed, dipping down for one more kiss. "I'm sorry, no. It's not one of the chosen countries."

"Okay," Logan sighed. "Let go face the lynch mob."

With a smile James opened the door and led Logan back to the theater.

* * *

><p>Logan realized too late they should have gone back to the theater separately. Had he been thinking, he would have insisted on that, but of course as usual James scrambled his brain.<p>

The movie had apparently ended, leaving him to wonder how long they had actually been in that closet. Surely not more than fifteen minutes? He was distracted by a loud voice coming from the front of the theater, though, as Kevin yelled, "You're stupid if you think Logan didn't follow him out there on purpose! They're probably making out somewhere right now!"

James halted at the back of the theater, putting out a hand to keep Logan there as well. No one, except perhaps Rich, had seen them come back in.

"Logan's not that kind of guy," Mike argued. "You just get jealous of anyone who gets near James."

"Oh, like you don't? Like none of you do?"

Dave tossed out, "Kevin's right, Mike. Logan's been all over him today."

"What are you talking about? He's been with me most of the day. You two are the ones all over James."

"We've had to be! You weren't on that date in Arizona, Mike. Logan somehow managed to get James alone, I know that was no accident. Except of course Kendall had to be there, too. They're sneaky, just like Carlos on your date. Didn't you say he got over an hour alone with James?"

"No," Mike replied. "Logan was with them."

"Exactly!" Dave yelled.

"They do this on purpose," Kevin said in exasperation. "They're probably all sleeping together as it is."

Logan felt James stiffen beside him and closed his eyes in frustration. They had just gotten James past that and now Kevin was bringing it back? Logan could have happily punched Kevin in that moment, but judging from the silence from Dave and Jared they too thought it was the case.

Mike rolled his eyes. "If that was happening, they wouldn't still be here. The producers would know it and kick them out."

"You're so naïve," Dave sneered. "That would just kick up ratings, the producers love that shit. You can't tell me those three don't make out at all. They're all over each other."

_Shit. Shit shit shit. _ "James-" Logan started, but James lifted a hand to silence him.

Nodding, Kevin added, "And James falls for their little acts every time. They keep it low-key around him and he gets wrapped around their little fingers, having no idea they're playing him so well."

James stepped forward then, the movement catching Mike's eye. He blinked at them in surprise, the other three falling silent as they too realized James and Logan had returned.

"Oh, don't stop on my account," James urged as he walked, Logan following more slowly. "I'd like to hear more about what an idiot I am, Kevin."

Immediately backtracking, Kevin tried, "James, I never said you're an idiot. I would never-"

"But you obviously believe I am, if you think I wouldn't see through something like that. You need to quit worrying about my relationships with everyone else and think about yours with me."

"I'm just trying to protect you, James. You don't see what we do, the way they're always together, the way Kendall is always all over Carlos-"

"That's just how Kendall is," Logan argued, unable to keep quiet any longer. "He cares about everybody, he even defended Ryan the other day. If you were being unfairly attacked, he would do the same for you."

"Logan-" James started, intending to shut him up.

"I'm not going to stand here and let him insult my best friends!"

James' eyes cut over to Logan and he realized what a mistake he'd made-that stony expression was back on James' face, making Logan huff out a breath and walk toward the exit. He didn't know where he was going, only that he wanted to scream. And maybe punch Kevin and Dave, too.

James' next words stopped him. "We're ending this early today. Kevin and Dave, with me. Everyone else, I'll call and have a car sent for you guys. Thank you for the fun we did have."

He spun on his heel and approached Logan, who offered him apologetic eyes, but he only shot Logan one of his unreadable expressions and kept going, Dave and Kevin on his heels.

When they were gone, Logan sighed. "I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean to ruin this date."

Mike shrugged. "It wasn't you, it was them. But...what Kevin said. A lot of the guys think that, you know. That you all..."

"Yeah. But we don't. We're all here for James, there's no question of that."

Mike nodded. "Ryan and I know that. I just hope James does, too."

With another sigh, Logan hoped for the same thing.

* * *

><p>Huddled around the huge television (which of course had its signal disabled to keep the guys isolated) in the main suite, Carlos, Kendall, and Ryan looked up in surprise when Logan, Mike, and Jared entered. They wore matching frowns as Kendall asked, "What's going on?" No date ever ended before dark.<p>

"It didn't end well," Mike answered, joining Ryan on the couch as Jared headed into the kitchen to find the other guys. Ryan scooted over to make room and Logan took the vacated spot, Kendall and Carlos smashed into the loveseat together and the game they'd been playing forgotten.

"I'm shocked Kevin didn't come in and start raging at you two, saying it was somehow your fault," Logan commented, leaning back and closing his eyes.

"Our fault?" Carlos questioned. "How would it be our fault, we weren't even there!"

"Oh, but you were in spirit," Mike countered, bringing a resigned chuckle out of Logan. The damage was done, it would be up to James to decide who to believe at this point.

Kendall shook his head in confusion. "Kevin's not even here. He was with you guys."

"They're not here yet?" Mike asked. "They left way before us, there's no way we beat them here."

Logan's stomach turned over as he guessed what must have happened. "I bet he spent more time with them because they were feeling ignored. He does that. And they're probably filling his head with more lies about us."

"What the hell happened?" Carlos asked in exasperation.

Mike fielded that question. "Dave and Kevin got upset when Logan and James left the theater together."

"We didn't leave together," Logan argued.

"Look," Mike said, holding up a hand. "I didn't say it in front of those guys, but they were right. There's no way that was a coincidence."

Cheeks flushing, Logan shrugged. "We didn't plan it."

"Either way, he left and then _you_ left and you were both gone for like fifteen minutes. I don't blame them for getting jealous, I was a little bit, too."

"But you still defended me?"

"Yes, because while I'm not naïve enough to believe you two weren't kissing somewhere, I don't think you're sleeping with these guys."

"What?" Kendall exploded, shooting up off the loveseat. "He's not, we're not, I told James that, there's nothing between any of us!"

Ryan groaned, letting his head fall back onto the couch. "I keep telling Kevin he's wrong about that. Did he say something like that to James?"

"He said it to me," Mike answered, "but James and Logan heard it."

"I'm gonna kill that guy!" Carlos yelled. "Where is he?" He stood up as if Kevin had somehow slipped past him, eyes roaming the room.

"He's not here, chill." Kendall shook his head, though, livid. "I spent all that time making sure James knew better and that little shit undoes it all in one afternoon?"

"I tried to tell him," Ryan sighed. "He's been saying that since Arizona, since the rafting trip."

"Of course," Kendall spat. "Because he was pissed when James made him switch places with Logan. I could tell he was mad."

"So what actually happened?" Carlos queried. "You guys overheard what?"

"Well," Logan explained, "we went back to the theater and they were arguing. James stopped me because he wanted to hear what they were saying. And Kevin was going off, Dave too. Jared didn't really say anything, but I think he believes what they do. Mike defended us."

"Thanks, buddy!" Carlos patted Mike's shoulder with a grin.

"I may be jealous of you guys, but I'm not stupid. The stuff he was saying was ludicrous. And he made the mistake of saying that James was...what was it, Logan? Being taken in?"

"Wrapped around our little fingers, I believe it was. And that we're playing him. James got pissed, you know how he gets."

Carlos and Kendall nodded, Ryan only frowning; apparently Ryan _didn't _know that yet.

"He ended the date," Logan continued. "Took Dave and Kevin with him, sent the three of us home in a separate car."

"Except they apparently didn't come straight back like we did."

"Which could mean a lot of different things," Kendall commented.

They all spun around as the hotel door clicked open, expecting Dave and Kevin but instead it was the man who randomly showed up to remove the luggage of those contestants who didn't survive the date. Their faces froze in shock when the man picked up two sets of luggage after checking the tags on them, and then he left with them.

"Holy shit," Mike breathed.

Everyone glanced around at each other, realizing that Dave and Kevin had been sent home. Nobody else could find words as they processed it, their minds working to figure out what that would mean at the rose ceremony. Would there only be one going home now?

The door opened yet again, surprising them, and this time it was James who stepped through with a smile for the small group. "Hey, guys."

"Hey," they chorused, still in shock and understanding more deeply than ever before that if James didn't want you here, he wouldn't hesitate to eliminate you.

"I'm sorry about the date getting cut short," he said to Logan and Mike.

Neither knew what to say, both nervous now. Kendall, however, found his voice. "James, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

"Sorry, Kendall, I came to see Mike. Join me for a bit?" James held out an arm to Mike, who took it and followed him out of the suite.

Looking as if he'd been slapped in the face, Kendall sat down hard on the loveseat. "Wow."

"I'm gonna kill those guys. They-oh. Wait. They're gone." Carlos grinned. "Ha! That's what you get for spreading lies!"

Logan reached out to lay a hand on Ryan's shoulder. "He'll come back. James didn't seem pissed."

Neither Kendall nor Carlos had even noticed the terror in Ryan's eyes. Now he said, "What if he doesn't?"

"Then you have us," Carlos replied. "You're pretty awesome, you can hang with us. Just don't go around saying shit behind our backs, that's not cool."

Ryan surrendered a tiny smile. "If you guys only knew how many times I've defended you. Everyone's jealous, we all think you guys will end up as the final three."

Logan smirked. "And we're afraid you'll win. James really likes you."

Ryan shrugged. "We get along well. Talk a lot. It's nice, you know? The other guys are always worried about kissing him and using sex, but any kind of relationship that's going to last has to have more than sex."

That shut all of them up, and they were lost in their own thoughts until Mike returned a few minutes later bearing a rose on his shirt.

"Wow," Kendall repeated.

Ryan jumped up and hugged Mike tight, Mike laughing as he patted Ryan's back. "Careful, don't crush the rose."

Carlos' eyes narrowed. "What's that you're holding, Mike?"

"Oh, this?" After Ryan backed off, Mike grinned. "Nothing special. Just the date card for tomorrow."

Everyone was up then, scrambling for it, but Mike held it high above his head. "Not until everyone's here. Guys!" he yelled. "The date card's here!"

The four remaining men rushed into the room, excited. Before Mike could open the envelope, though, Ryan said, "Guys. Dave and Kevin are gone."

"Gone?" Jared echoed. "What do you mean, gone?"

"He means," Kendall replied, "that James sent them home. So whatever shit they stirred up today on your date pissed James off enough to get rid of them. And can I just take this opportunity to tell you guys that there is _nothing_ going on with the three of us?" No one answered, a few of them unable to meet Kendall's eyes. "I know you all think that. Why is it so hard to believe we're just friends?"

"Because you guys act like more than friends," Austin said.

"How?" Carlos questioned. "What do we do that's so...more than friends?"

Again no one answered, and Kendall threw his hands up. "Fine. But I'm telling you right now, if I hear of anyone else spreading lies to James, it's on. You're fucking with my future here. Or theirs. Or even yours, because look what happened to Dave and Kevin. Remember that next time you want to spout your mouths off."

"Kendall," Logan interrupted quietly, "they didn't say anything to him. Calm down."

"I don't want it to get to that point, Logan. We're all here for the same reason, to win James as a husband. Let's keep that in mind."

"Okay, Kendall, we get it! Read the card, Mike!" Carlos pushed.

Austin glared. "If one of you three or Ryan gets a second date before I even get a first one, I'm gonna be pissed."

There were nods around the room, but Logan didn't feel the others had anything to worry about. Even if James hadn't said he needed to spend more time with other guys, Logan thought damage had been done today, and he was excluded anyway since he'd been on the group date.

Mike whipped out the card inside the envelope and his face fell slightly. "'See if you can keep track of my heart before it races away. Kendall.'"

The room exploded with anger, Kendall's face showing shock after the way James had brushed him off earlier. Logan sighed and grabbed Kendall's hand, pulling him out after a look at Carlos, who of course followed. They returned to their room, hiding away from the backlash they knew would be coming.

Logan laid back on his bed, throwing an arm over his face.

"Man, those guys are pissed." Carlos shook his head, settling onto Kendall's bed and scooting over for Kendall to join him. Once Kendall had, Carlos said, "So. Kendall's got a date."

"Yeah. Really wasn't expecting that."

"You don't sound happy about it."

"I'm...a little scared. Not sure what he's thinking. You saw him earlier, he didn't even want to talk to me. I've never seen him turn down anyone who asked to speak to him."

"I haven't either," Logan agreed.

"That doesn't mean he's pissed," Carlos reasoned. "You did get a date."

"Sure, but why? Is he going to eliminate me, too?"

Logan bit his lip. "He's probably going to grill you about us. I'm sure that before he sent them packing, he grilled Dave and Kevin plenty about what goes on."

"'See if you can keep track of my heart before it races away,'" Kendall mused. "That sounds bad, like I'm losing whatever ground I had with him."

"Don't take that too literally," Logan argued, sitting up and rubbing his face. "Or...actually, _do_ take it literally. Remember that the cards have clues. I'd guess it's a race track."

"What? No way! I wanted the race car date!" Carlos whined.

"Sorry, buddy." Kendall hugged Carlos against him, Carlos' arms sliding around his waist and his head resting on Kendall's chest.

"That's probably what they keep seeing," Logan commented. "You two do kind of act like a couple. I guess because I know better, I never really noticed."

"What, this?" Carlos asked. "He's my buddy. Is it wrong to cuddle with a buddy?"

"Well...I don't know, I haven't had any buddies like you guys before."

Kendall nodded in agreement. "I guess I can see why the guys would think that, but I've never had buddies like you, either. I don't even think about it, I just...when you're near I like to...I don't know."

"Cuddle," Carlos supplied. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"James might not see it that way," Logan smirked. "He'd probably rage if he saw the two of you right now."

Carlos held Kendall tighter. "Let him. I already told you, he's not making me give you guys up."

"It's not like we do this in front of him," Kendall said. "We're not stupid."

"I wonder if he saw you two in the cave."

Carlos blinked a few times. "The cave?"

"Yes, Carlos," Logan chuckled. "Remember Hawaii? In the dark when you were so scared? Wait, I _know_ he saw you, because you didn't let go of Kendall for a while."

"I was scared! What was I supposed to do, suck it up and take it like a man?"

The other two giggled, Kendall hugging Carlos close. "You're so adorable."

"I'm serious! I would've held onto James like that if he'd been next to me, but he was up front with you, Logan! Kendall was there, so he got the honor of dealing with me."

"Nice to know I'm second best," Kendall teased.

"Oh be quiet, you know I love you. Now, Logan. Tell us what exactly happened today."

"Ugh," Logan groaned. "It was a disaster. I mean, it started out great, but...well, maybe not for everyone else."

"Where'd you go?" Kendall asked.

"We stayed in the hotel. There are some self-guided tours about ancient Egypt, and he made me play tour guide for everyone. Luckily I know a lot about that stuff, so it wasn't hard."

"But you were the center of attention," Kendall nodded, beginning to understand.

"Exactly. For two tours he had me stand up there and spout off my knowledge, and Mike and Jared seemed to actually enjoy it. Kevin wasn't too thrilled."

"I'm sure he wasn't. When did you two make out?"

"Carlos, why do you assume we made out?"

"Because Mike said so, and also Kendall said James likes to kiss you."

"James likes to kiss everyone."

"Logan," Kendall interrupted. "Open books. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed by the fact that James is attracted to you. It's what we all want."

"Fine," Logan sighed. "We did the little tours, then we went into the IMAX theater. James arranged it so I would sit next to him."

"Whoa," Carlos muttered. "No wonder the other guys were jealous."

"That part wasn't obvious, at least not to anyone else. What _was_ obvious is when he got up and left and I went after him. He kept hinting at it, wanted me to follow him, but I knew it would piss everyone off so I didn't go. At least not right away. I couldn't resist him, though. He makes me crazy."

Kendall chuckled. "What happened then?"

"I got up and Kevin was pissed, asked me where I was going. I told him to take my seat if he was so worried about James' attention, and I left. James um...was in some sort of closet thing and when I walked by he pulled me in."

"Dude! You made out in a closet? That's so weird!"

"It wasn't weird, Carlos, it was..." Logan sighed, not finding words to describe it. "Okay, maybe it was a little weird. But we made out for a few minutes and then we got into another fight."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "You guys argued _again_?"

"Yep. Seems like we can't ever be alone without it coming to that eventually."

"What the hell do you guys fight about, Logan?" Carlos asked in disbelief. "I never fight with him."

"Today it was about...well, I'm not sure, really. Partly about the three of us, he still won't tell me why it bothers him so much that we're close. It might be jealousy, or it might have to do with having to see us all when this is over. But he won't tell me. And then he exploded, said he has no one to talk to and that he has to keep everything bottled up and he misses Lana."

Once again, Kendall nodded. "He really doesn't have anyone to talk to. We've got each other, and even the rest of the guys have someone they're close to. But James has no one, and on our date in San Francisco I told him if he needed someone to talk to, I'm here."

Carlos' gaze met Logan's. "He needs someone to talk to."

"Yes," Logan agreed, though it hurt realizing James couldn't talk to him but could apparently talk to Kendall. "I'm not saying that's the only reason you got the date, Kendall, but I'm sure he needs that from you. Especially after today."

"But he can't say much to me. He can tell me how hard this is for him and all the stuff he must have said to you, Logan, but really there's not a lot he can vent about."

"Still," Carlos argued, "you're someone he can lean on. You're very good at being that."

Glancing down at Carlos' body wrapped around him, Kendall grinned. "Obviously."

Carlos smiled up at Kendall, and Logan's eyes narrowed. "You know...I really do see it. What the other guys do. I'd never noticed it much before, but the two of you..."

"What?" Carlos questioned, gaze returning to Logan.

"You honestly do act like a couple. I know better, but no one else does, so of course they're going to assume. Just watch yourselves around James."

"I always do," Kendall replied. "He's jealous enough as it is."

"Do you think he's jealous of us?" Carlos asked suddenly.

"That's what I just said," Logan answered.

"No, I don't mean Kendall and me. I mean the three of us. Because we're so close and he has nobody. Do you think that makes him...I don't know. Feel left out or something?"

Kendall and Logan stared at each other as it clicked into place. "Of course," Logan replied. "How did I miss that?"

"And once again, Carlos surprises us by going deep. Nice job, buddy."

They bumped fists before Carlos' arms returned to cuddle around Kendall's waist. "It only makes sense, right?"

"It absolutely does," Logan nodded. "So he sees how close we all are and...what? Wants to be a a part of it?"

"He kind of was in Hawaii. When we were sitting around the fire at the luau, he looked so happy."

Kendall agreed. "Ryan was there, too, but still. I kind of got the feeling that was like...a dream date for him. His favorite people all together."

"That may be, but he still doesn't touch Ryan," Carlos argued.

"He's hardly seen Ryan since the date."

"I know, Logan, but if you think about it, Ryan has no problem touching other people," Carlos reasoned. "Look at him with Mike today. So that means it's James who has the problem."

"Except James can't keep his hands off us," Kendall grinned. "I love that about him."

"Did you hear what Ryan said earlier, though? They talk. A lot. Sounds like that's pretty much all they do."

"Sucks for Ryan," Carlos laughed. "He's missing out on some steamy stuff. James is...wow."

"Yes," Logan smiled. "Wow."

"And you get a whole date with him tomorrow!" Carlos exclaimed, referring to Kendall. "Lucky dog!"

"We'll see. He could easily send me home when it's done."

"You're not going anywhere," Carlos said in dismissal. "He loves you too much."

"It _will_ be nice to have him to myself again. It's been a long time."

"Okay, I'm gonna go call Caroline before it gets too late." Logan stood up. "You two just keep cuddling over there. You know, this will air eventually. James will see this at some point."

"I've got nothing to hide," Carlos shrugged. "You hear that, James?" He looked up and around, searching for the camera they knew had been put in for their stay. "We're just friends who like to cuddle! Nothing wrong with that!"

"As long as you don't try to kiss me or anything," Kendall teased. "Don't you sabotage me, I still have Joanie hidden somewhere."

"I'm gonna find her, Kendall! She'd better be safe when I do! If you popped her-"

"Relax. She's perfectly safe. But she misses you, so you'd better behave if you want her back."

Shaking his head over their silliness, Logan let the door close behind him to shut off their conversation. He hadn't mentioned it to either of them, of course, but he was now terrified again.

If anyone had a chance at stealing James' focus away, it was Kendall.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Okay, so first—I screwed up royally in the last chapter. **veryjaneeyre** caught it, and I feel like such an idiot, and I don't know how that mistake got past me. I wondered how it got past my betas, then realized I'd never sent them that part. Let this be a lesson—always make sure your betas read something before you post it! In order to fix the mistake I'd have to redo a whole section of the story, and I've decided to just leave it. So forgive any confusion that may have resulted from the last chapter.

I researched for this chapter and again hope I did alright with things I'm not too familiar with. Damn this story for making me have to keep coming up with new things for them. But it's fun, so I'm really not complaining. :)

Probably won't be another update for a few days, I'll be working and not writing as much. But I'm so anxious to get this whole thing written, we're so close and I keep getting these ideas for later chapters and wishing I could just stop the world and write it all down and it's driving me crazy, I just want to get it all out! Ideas come from the weirdest places, you know. Sometimes even my customers at work say things that trigger a vision in my head and I have to fight hard not to squeal in front of them. I'm totally rambling and I don't even know why. Yeah.

Oh, and for those wondering if you'll ever get to hear James' side of the story...after the final episode of each season airs, there's a special called "After the Final Rose" that is shown, and in it Chris sits down with the Bachelor and talks to him, gets his side of the story. I do plan to do a chapter of that in this, and Chris will ask questions about different things James said or did throughout the story that you may be wondering about. I hope I answer all your questions when we get to that point, but feel free to let me know what questions you want answered and I'll try to work that in there when I write it.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Kendall was awoken by someone shaking his shoulder. He blinked up in the dark and tried to shield his eyes from the flashlight's beam. "Get up," James' voice whispered down to him, and for a moment he thought he was dreaming, but then the voice added, "You have fifteen minutes. Meet you in the lobby."<p>

As if it really had been a dream, the light was suddenly gone and Kendall was alone in the dark, rising to sit up in his bed. He rubbed his eyes and once they were adjusted he could make out Logan sleeping soundly to his right, Carlos' arms wrapped around Alex P. Keaton to his left. How had they not heard anything?

James was sneaky when he wanted to be. It would be a good idea for Kendall to remember that.

Without waking the other two, Kendall rose and got dressed, throwing on a t-shirt and jeans along with his sneakers. He did a quick face wash, grabbed his jacket, and set his luggage in the main suite before taking the elevator down to the lobby, which was surprisingly crowded considering it wasn't even 4 A.M. Then again, this was Vegas.

James waited in one of the lobby's plush chairs, standing to stretch when he saw Kendall. As he'd dressed casually as well, Kendall was relieved he hadn't bothered to don fancier clothing.

"Coffee?" James asked, passing over a ready-made cup that Kendall took gladly.

"Thanks. Why are we up so early?"

"This is our date."

"I figured that much, James. Where are we going?"

"You'll see." James grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the entrance, Rich in tow as always.

They were squeezed into the backseat of a waiting car, Kendall using it as an excuse to scoot closer to James. How did he look and smell so amazing in the middle of the night?

When James smiled and lifted an arm to pull Kendall closer, Kendall relaxed. He didn't seem angry or hostile, so maybe the previous day's disaster hadn't ruined anything. Kendall snuggled in against James' side, having missed the opportunity to do this, to simply have James to himself.

"Sleep well?" James asked.

"Not really. I was worried about today."

"No need to worry. Just relax and enjoy the time we have."

Sipping his coffee, Kendall said, "You pissed off a lot of guys by choosing me again."

"I know. I'm sorry about that, but I missed you. And I have to focus on my future. I'm not sure of it completely, but I do know some things. Now is the time to cement my decisions, make sure I'm on the right track."

Kendall's breath caught. Was James saying he was the "right track"?

"I wasn't sure where we stood after yesterday," Kendall said hesitantly. "I know some things were said and-"

"Kendall, I know it's not true. I've talked to you and Logan enough to know better, and based on things you've both said I'm aware there's nothing physical between you."

"Thank god," Kendall sighed. He set his cup in a holder before him and cuddled in closer, enjoying the feel of James' arm around him.

"Rest, we've got a bit of a drive."

Before closing his eyes, Kendall lifted his face to James, needing to know they were still the same. James smiled and dipped his lips down for a soft kiss, nipping at Kendall's before pulling back, and Kendall somehow managed to calm the burn that simple kiss had brought about in his body.

* * *

><p>When he next opened his eyes it was to see James dozing, arms around him as the car climbed a windy road taking them high up onto a mountain. His watch told him it was only about an hour later, and at 5 A.M. the sun had still not risen. James shifted at Kendall's movement, smiling down at him.<p>

"Where are we?" Kendall asked.

"Mount Charleston. I thought it would be nice to watch the sunrise with you as we had breakfast."

_Oh my god, why do you have to do this? Why do you have to give me what I've always wanted in a man?_

"Is that okay?" James asked when Kendall didn't reply.

"It's...perfect. Sounds perfect."

"Good." James kissed the side of Kendall's head before moving away some to stretch as well as he could in the car.

A picnic was set up and waiting for them, Kendall smiling a thank you to the few staff members who had gotten up so early to accommodate them, but of course it was their jobs. Kendall and James took seats on the blanket, digging for food now that they'd been awake long enough to be hungry.

It was a good ten minutes before either of them spoke, shoving their faces while smiling at each other occasionally, and Kendall broke the silence by saying, "This is awesome. Thank you, James."

"It is pretty amazing. Look at the sky, all the colors. I feel close to the sun up here."

"Even more than in the helicopter?"

"Yeah, actually. Because here I feel like I can just reach out and touch it. You can't in a helicopter."

"I bet you can in a hot air balloon."

James tilted his head, an eyebrow raised at Kendall. "Am I sensing some jealousy, Kendall?"

"No. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."

"I know it's not easy sharing me. We've had this discussion."

"I know. It's just..."

"Hard," James finished.

"Yeah."

"Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be. Tell me about your family. Your sister and your mom."

"Really? Uh...okay. My mom is just...Mom. She's kind, accepting of everyone, and does whatever she has to in order for us to live our dreams. She's funny, treats my friends like her own kids. If you get to meet her, that's how I'll introduce you to her, I'll just say 'This is Mom.' In school I would have friends for a while, and they'd move or for whatever reason we didn't keep in touch anymore, and like a year later Mom would ask, 'How's so-and-so, have you heard from him lately?' She gets attached."

James grinned. "That's great. My mom's the opposite. Then again, I never really had any guy friends."

"Did you have female friends?"

"Here and there, but mostly I just had girlfriends. Lana's the first real friend I ever had in life. How about your sister?"

"Katie? She's..." Kendall could only laugh. "How to describe Katie? She's the opposite of my mom, suspects everyone's up to no good. You have to prove yourself to her before she'll let you into the family. I felt bad for my stepdad in the beginning, she was so sneaky! She followed him around everywhere and wanted to make sure he was really as nice as he seemed to be. Because she kept saying 'Nobody can be that nice.' But he is, he's a great guy, and my mom's really happy with him."

"How old is Katie?"

"She's uh...nineteen? Twenty? I'm horrible with that. It doesn't really matter, though, because she's always acted at least five years older than her actual age."

"Should I be afraid of this girl?" James smirked, only half-joking.

"Probably, yes," Kendall laughed. "Mom's going to freak out, she thinks you're hot."

"Well, I am. Katie doesn't think so?"

"Um...I think the only time I've ever heard her really say anything about you was when I was home for Christmas last year. Mom had on one of those entertainment shows and there was a feature about you, and Mom just kept saying, 'He's so handsome.' Katie was like 'Nobody's that handsome, Mom. It's all the T.V., I bet in person he's really not that hot.'"

James giggled before asking, "And now that you've seen me in person? Am I really that hot?"

"Yes," Kendall answered. "Even hotter than you look on T.V."

"Good to know."

They smiled at each other as the tension rose between them, Kendall wondering how he wasn't jumping James at this point, but James distracted him with the sunrise. "There are so many colors all at once. How is it so amazing?"

Kendall shook his head, at a loss to describe it. He refilled his coffee, which he'd drained while eating, and then scooted closer to James when James lifted an arm in invitation. Settling in next to him, Kendall said, "Tell me about Lana. How did you meet her?"

"She worked for my mom when I went to work there after high school. She did the make-up and hair for the models who sat for photo shoots. Like when a new product came out, we'd have to do magazine spots and commercials? She worked on that end of it. She's really good at her job."

"Obviously, since you always look amazing. Is it hard, not having her here to prep you every day?"

"I don't get prepped when I'm not working, Kendall. The way you see me now is how I usually am."

"Come on, when you leave your house she doesn't even touch you up at all?"

"Nope. Not unless we're going to a job. You get tired of all the make-up and stuff after a while. And if you're wondering why my hair always looks so good, it's because I taught myself how to do it years ago. I know everything there is to know about hair care products and how to use them. We could do some fun things with you if you'd let me."

"No, that's okay," Kendall laughed, holding up his hands. "My hair's inside a helmet most of the time anyway."

"True. Do you miss it? How's your injury?"

"Much better. It bothered me a little in Hawaii, when we were climbing through that cave, but mostly it's fine."

"You should've said something, we could have stopped to rest."

"It was fine, James. I would have if I'd needed to stop."

"Liar."

Kendall didn't reply to that, instead saying, "So how did you and Lana become friends? Just seeing each other at work every day?"

"Yeah, pretty much. She's a few years older than me, and she's like a big sister. Took me under her wing, taught me all kinds of stuff about make-up and how to create certain looks. We worked together on the men's line of hair stuff, even impressed Mom. And when I started getting more and more modeling jobs, because I'd been doing some here and there but when it got to the point where I couldn't work anymore because I was doing so many gigs, I kept calling Lana for advice. Eventually she quit to travel with me and I shared the money I'd get, and together we'd kind of travel the world. It was fun, she's a wonderful person."

"And you two never had romantic feelings for each other?"

"No, and I'm not sure if that's weird or not. We're close, I'm closer to her than I ever was to any guy or girl I dated, but we kind of...somehow skipped that flirtatious dating stage. Went right from acquaintances to best pals. She always knows what I'm thinking, even before I do."

Kendall smirked.

"What?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking that you pretty much described me and Logan right there. In a very short time, we've become best pals and I can usually tell what he's thinking."

"That's saying something, considering he's a genius."

Kendall nodded, grinning, but then he said softly, "It must be hard, being away from Lana and having no one to talk to."

Rather than agreeing, James' face turned to stone, and Kendall knew he'd said the wrong thing. _Shit._

"Of course Logan told you everything we talked about. That's the problem with you guys, I can't say something to one of you without it becoming a group discussion."

"James, he was just explaining what happened on the date-"

"Bullshit. He didn't have to tell you everything. I'm sure you know all about the fight we had, right?"

Unable to lie, Kendall sighed and looked away.

"When I say something to you or to Carlos or to Logan, it's something I'm comfortable sharing with you and maybe not with the others. With most of the guys, I feel like maybe once this contest is over and we get away from it all, things would be different and with the pressure off, we can focus on each other and not the damn prize at the end. With you three, though, that's not the case—if I choose one of you, I get all of you."

"Is that a problem? I thought you liked all of us."

"I do! You guys are fucking amazing, all three of you, and it's hard enough having to choose! But it would never be just me and one of you. I'd have to see the other two and know I turned them down, know I broke their hearts. And it would cause problems between all you guys, and that's the last thing I ever want to do. You've found this perfect friendship and I don't want to ruin that, I don't want to come between you guys."

"Did it ever occur to you, James, that you might end up being part of this 'perfect friendship' we have? That you might just fit right in? We're all fully aware that only one of us can win. We've made our peace with that and agreed not to let it ruin us. We support each other, boost each other up before dates, we cheer for each other."

"How the fuck is that even possible? Don't you get that if they win, you lose? Doesn't that even matter to you, that you might not get me?"

"Of course it matters to us! Look, I won't lie, James. There were some random feelings in the beginning between the three of us. There was flirting, and one night in particular it was really hard to keep our hands off each other. But nothing happened, and it's because all of us want _you_. We've moved past that, our focus is on you and not each other, and any feelings there might have been between the three of us are nothing in comparison to what each of us feels for you. It's you we want, James, you we came here for and _you_ that we talk about. Because we're all head over heels for you and it's so damn hard, if we didn't have each other to talk to we would've gone crazy by now. I guarantee Logan wouldn't still be here. We've talked him out of leaving on more than one occasion. Carlos would be okay, but now that things are getting more intense I worry for him and his big mouth. And if it wasn't for them, I would've been gone the first night. I only stayed because I didn't want them to suffer alone. My reasons for staying have changed, I'm here for you now, and even though we all lean on each other and keep each other sane, it's you we're still here for. Not each other."

James allowed the words to sink in, thinking them over before saying, "Yesterday, Logan was more concerned for your feelings than mine. I wanted him to stay out of the argument but he said he wouldn't stand by and let others insult you guys. That bothered me."

Kendall sighed. "We probably all would've said that, James. But it doesn't mean we don't care about your feelings or love you. It's just...I don't know. We're like brothers now, I guess. Defend each other to the death."

"And where does that leave me?"

"As one of us, if you're willing to be. Yeah, it might be tough in the beginning to see you with Logan or Carlos and know what I'm missing, but I'll get over it eventually. So would they. Our friendship is worth that. And we all agreed, you fit right in. Think about it that way, James. If you choose one of us, you get us all. You just...only get to marry one. The other two have to move on and find new guys to love, but I think we all feel that if those guys don't fit in with the group, it's not gonna happen. And we won't live together or anything, we'd only get together when our jobs allowed us to. Probably wherever Logan is, because he'll be settled somewhere with Caroline."

James stood up suddenly. "We need to get going, we have a date with a race track."

"James, don't. Talk to me."

"We've said what there is to say. I need time to process it, but in the meantime I'm going to kick your ass on the race track. Ever driven a Nascar?"

Kendall forced a smile, knowing the discussion was over. "No, but Carlos really wanted to do that. He's very jealous of my date. One day we'll all go back and do it together."

Unsure how James would take that, Kendall was relieved to see him grin. "Deal. How did he know that's where we were going?"

"Logan. He's figured out almost all the date cards for us. Genius, you know."

James chuckled. "Damn him. I wonder what he made of his?"

"The 'surprise me' one? Yeah, I think that scared him. For the first time, he had no idea what to expect. It was pretty awesome."

"It's great when you can stump a genius. Come on." James helped Kendall up, pulling him into a sudden kiss that had him clinging to James and left him dizzy when it was over. "Save some of that aggression for the track. I'm so gonna kick your ass."

"Money where your mouth is, James."

James winked before pulling Kendall toward the car, and neither noticed much scenery on the drive back to town because they were too focused on each other.

* * *

><p>By the time they arrived at the track, their bodies were humming with the adrenaline that had built as they lost themselves in each other yet were forced to hold back. Both were more than ready to let out the pent-up aggression on a race track, but unfortunately had to sit through a class detailing the basics of safety and explaining how driving a Nascar differed from driving a normal car.<p>

Afterward they were suited up in racing gear, the two of them appraising each other and liking what they saw. "You look hot," James smirked, then dragged Kendall out to the track where two cars and a team waited for them.

"You ready to lose?" James challenged, settling a helmet over his head.

"Eat my dust," Kendall replied, then snickered at how cheesy they were. James giggled as well, Kendall hearing it through the headset built into the helmet. "Can anyone else hear us?"

A chorus of "yes" echoed through their helmets and then Kendall remembered the instructor mentioning they would be in constant contact with not only each other but a few crew members who would talk them through the race.

"Damn," Kendall smirked. "I wanted to talk dirty to you, try to throw off your concentration."

"Not gonna work, Knight. Strap in and shut up."

Rather than insult Kendall it only turned him on more, heat passing between them before they got settled in their designated cars.

It certainly wasn't a full-blown race, but it was close enough for them as they maneuvered around each other, calling out insults every time one managed to pass the other. Neither had ever driven anything so fast, and the rush was intense.

It was Kendall who was declared the winner, but only barely, as they crossed the finish line on their final lap. He climbed out of the car grinning hugely, ready to gloat about it but when James stepped out of his own and quickly removed the helmet before tossing it on the seat, Kendall feared he'd royally pissed James off. Had James truly expected Kendall to let him win?

James' eyes were so dark they were almost green as they met Kendall's, his fingers working to unfasten Kendall's helmet and toss it aside, and when Kendall opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, he never got a chance to speak; James' tongue was down his throat and he was shoved up against his car before the words could even leave his mouth.

Taken aback only momentarily, Kendall returned the kiss just as hungrily, their hands attempting to rip at the suits because there simply wasn't enough skin. James' fingers dug into him, his hips pinning Kendall to the car while he whined in frustration, unable to find his way into Kendall's suit.

"Guys! Hey! Break it up!"

A few loud claps from a staff worker managed to get through James' brain, Kendall practically growling when he felt James backing off. Why couldn't they just _do_ this already? Who really cared? "No," he whispered, trying to keep James there with his fingers latching onto James' clothing.

"We have to," James rasped, finally pushing himself back and away but obviously unhappy about it as they stood there panting. "I lost control, I won't let that happen again."

"Don't apologize, please. I felt it, too."

"I'm aware of that. I felt enough of you to know that," he smirked. "I'm so hot, Kendall." When Kendall rolled his eyes, James clarified, "No, I don't mean it that way. I mean physically, I'm burning up. These suits are hot and I'm so turned on that...we need to get out of here."

Kendall smiled, agreeing. "But just so you know, if we do end up married, we're buying cars and building our own track so we can do this whenever we want. And not have to worry about stopping when we get carried away."

"God, yes," James nodded, taking Kendall's hand as they went back toward the main building.

"How did that guy know we're not supposed to have sex?" Kendall wanted to know. "The one who stopped us."

"I doubt he did," James laughed. "I think he just didn't really want to witness us going at it on the race track in front of everyone."

"Oh." Blushing, Kendall slid up against James' side and wrapped his arms around James, who pulled him in close.

"If anyone here is hot to look at, it's you," James whispered, his fingers moving up into Kendall's hair.

Face flushing a deeper red, Kendall said, "Thank you. I think we're even on that." When he glanced up into James' eyes, he saw a multitude of things James wanted to say but couldn't. He nodded anyway, letting James know that he understood.

He wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

* * *

><p>"Better now?" Kendall asked as they were herded back into their car.<p>

"Much. That suit really was like an oven."

"Yeah, it was. But that was so intense! We gotta bring the guys out to do this. Though I'm not sure Logan would do it."

"Oh, I think he would," James smiled.

"Really? He was so scared on the raft."

"I think there's a side to Logan you have yet to see. Or...well, no, you probably never will. My point is that he has an aggressive side. Trust me."

Assaulted with visions of James and Logan kissing on that trail in Arizona, Kendall merely nodded.

"I'm sorry." James reached out to link fingers with Kendall. "I was just saying that he'd probably do it."

"I know."

They were quiet for a few miles until Kendall stated, "You know, James, there's something I want to make sure you understand. About all of us."

"What's that?"

"If none of us win, if you were to choose Ryan or Mike or anyone else, you'd still be welcome as our friend. We all really enjoy being with you, and not just in a romantic sense."

James' eyelids fluttered rapidly as he was overcome with emotion and had to look away. Kendall squeezed his hand. "I mean it. We didn't come here expecting to make friends, but it happened. None of us want to lose that."

"Sometimes," James said softly, "I think it would be easiest if I did choose one of them. It wouldn't cause problems for you guys, then."

"We're mature people, James. Even Carlos," he grinned. "We can handle it. It'll be hard seeing you with someone else, but we're all prepared for that. And we are all of the belief that if it's meant to be, it will. Not all of us are meant to be with you; maybe none of us are. But if it's meant to be..."

"It will," James finished.

"Exactly. Having said that, I'd love you forever if you chose me." Kendall winked, and James laughed.

"Got it." He kissed Kendall's cheek, then pulled Kendall's head down to rest on his shoulder.

"So what's next on our date?"

"I thought we'd walk the Strip a little bit, check out the hotels. Or have you done that a million times?"

"No, not really."

"We were supposed to play a charity poker game yesterday, but that didn't work out when everything went to hell."

"I wouldn't mind that. Except that I suck at poker."

"Do you?" James mused.

"I do. I can't hide my emotions to save my life."

"I can see that about you. I'm a master."

"And I can see _that_ about _you_. How about we stick to some slots for a while, just have some fun with it?"

"I'm good with that. And then we're having dinner in Paris."

"Seriously?" Kendall sat up fast, eyes wide. "You're flying me to Paris?"

"No plane necessary." James pointed out the window of the car, where the Eiffel Tower could be seen in the distance. "It's just a replica, but we get to ride up in it and have dinner."

"Oh. That's just as good."

They grinned at each other again, Kendall unable to resist leaning in for a kiss that James met eagerly. When the car rolled to a stop they parted reluctantly, though James kept Kendall's hand in his as they exited. "Let's go be tourists for a while."

It sounded like heaven to Kendall, and for a few hours they lost themselves among the crowd as well as they could with a camera crew trailing them.

* * *

><p>The view from the top of the tower took Kendall's breath away, so many colorful lights on all sides that he didn't know where to look first. James hugged him from behind, chin on his shoulder, and for a long time they stared out over the city in contented silence.<p>

"I'm not going to get another date with you before you come home to meet my family, am I?"

"Can't answer that, Kendall," James replied.

"I know," Kendall sighed.

"But I can do this for you." He reached into his pocket and came out with the rose, Kendall's face brightening when he caught sight of it. "Will you accept this rose?"

"You know I will." Kendall spun around to allow James to fasten it on him, then smiled when James kissed him lightly. "Can't we make this date an overnighter?"

"You and Carlos, I swear," James smirked. "Such horndogs."

"You're the one assuming it's about sex. Maybe I just want to hold you all night."

James lifted an eyebrow. "You and I both know that would last about five minutes. If that."

Shrugging, Kendall replied, "It's not my fault you're so hot.'

"Ah, Kendall." James hugged him tight, Kendall sensing in the touch that James wanted it as badly as he did. "All in good time."

"So you're saying that's definitely going to happen for us?"

"I'm not saying anything. If it's meant to be, it will be, right?"

"Yeah. I just wish it was meant to be _now_ instead of weeks later."

"It helps, you know. What you said."

Kendall frowned and stepped back. "I've said a lot of things today, James. Which thing are you referring to?"

"You letting me know that no matter what, I wouldn't lose you guys. It's been weighing heavy on my mind, the idea that by choosing one of you I alienate the others. Of course coming into this there was never a problem with that, I had no idea I'd end up meeting more than one person I'd want to keep in touch with. And until the show airs, we're not going to be able to see each other anyway. That's going to be the longest few months of my life, no matter who I choose."

"They don't allow you to see your chosen one?"

"They do, but we have to be extremely discreet. Do everything in private and sneak around, and you can't take a chance that someone will see you together. It's hard. I've talked to a few other Bachelors, gotten some insight about all of that. The few months between this and when the show airs is the toughest part of the whole thing. You've found someone you love, you want to show the world, and you can't. You have to treat it like some dirty secret. I hate that. I'm not the kind of person who's ashamed of my friends or my choices."

"Neither am I. But we agreed to it when we signed on for the show."

"I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"There are a lot of things about this experience I don't like," Kendall agreed. "But...finding the man who makes me happy, who gives me what I need...that makes it all worth it."

James nodded slowly. "I completely agree. And I hate that I'm breaking hearts to find that."

"It's the way the game is played, James. Don't hate the player-"

James cracked up suddenly, ending the phrase. "-hate the game. Yeah, this is not a fun game at all."

"I don't know, I think some moments are fun." Kendall linked their fingers, forcing James to close the distance with a hard tug. "I think we can have a lot of fun together."

"Don't I wish," James whispered, and then they were off again, ignoring the view in favor of discovering each other instead, Kendall grateful the tower had been closed to the public for the night. They took advantage of the time alone, spending minutes that turned into what seemed an eternity of kisses and caresses, James finally shoving Kendall away roughly with a groan of frustration. "Fuck. I hate this. Let's go have dinner."

Kendall nodded, attempting to catch his breath. "It's a damn good thing you have willpower, because I sure as well wouldn't have stopped."

"I have to. I always know when to stop."

"Too bad."

James chuckled, and as they headed down a few flights to the restaurant, Kendall wished the night would never end.

* * *

><p>It was a romantic dinner like before—gorgeous view, incredible food, and James an attentive date. This time, however, Kendall was a more active participant, hardly able to look away from James and receptive to each advance. They held hands whenever they were able, staring at each other with infatuated grins in between conversation, and talked of their common interests while enjoying a fantastic meal. After making their way through an entire bottle of wine, James requested a second one and Kendall smirked.<p>

"Trying to make me drunk enough to sleep with you, James? Guess what? I don't have to be drunk for that."

"I think you're already drunk, you lush," James teased.

"Not even close. Just...relaxed. And happy."

James nodded, communicating silently that he was the same. "Tell me what our life would be like together. Let's say you win, I choose you and ask you to marry me and we decide that this is it, this is everything we've ever wanted."

"I imagine our life together would be amazing."

"Give me specifics. Where would we live, what would we do?"

"Uh...well, I could live anywhere really, but I'd spend most of my time in San Jose as long as I'm a Shark. And if I get traded, I'll go where they send me. You'll be traveling a lot, right?"

"I'm not so sure about that. I'll travel occasionally, but I'm ready to settle down somewhere, I think. I like the house I live in now, but I'd be willing to move. As long as I can bring Fame with me."

"So we could get a big house with a stable and live there, and I'd just be there whenever I could. Which would be often if we live in San Jose. If it's in L.A. somewhere, we probably wouldn't see much of each other during the hockey season."

"And how do you feel about that? Would it bother you?"

Kendall shrugged, watching James refill their wine glasses and wondering what he was thinking; James was back in "unreadable" mode. "Not really, I'm used to it. Any time I got to spend with you would be something to cherish."

"We'd get you a horse, too. Just so you know."

"Dude, I really don't like horses."

"You'd probably learn to eventually."

"Probably. If it's important to you that I have a horse and ride it, I'd do my best."

"You'd enjoy it after a while. It's peaceful, just getting out on a horse and riding away from the world for a few hours."

Kendall sipped his wine, wondering again what James was thinking. Was this something that could decide his fate with James, his dislike of horses?

"I don't expect you to change for me, Kendall."

The words surprised him, almost as if James had been able to read his thoughts. "I didn't think you did."

"I just want you to understand that while I'm looking for someone to spend my life with, I wouldn't expect you to give up your own. I would never take hockey from you."

"I know you wouldn't. And if you tried, you'd fail. It's what I do."

"I get that. I have the same passion for my career. Just because I'll be doing less modeling, that doesn't mean I won't love it when do it. And I'll miss it when I don't."

"Then why not keep doing it? Why cut back on the modeling if it makes you so happy?"

"Because it's not enough anymore. It's my passion, but my passion is...I don't know. It's just different now. I want more. How do you feel about kids?"

Kendall sat back in his chair, breath leaving him in a rush. "Kids?" he asked weakly.

"Yeah. I'm not saying I want them, I'm just asking what you think of them. Is that something you could see yourself doing someday? Being a father?"

"I..." Remembering his conversation with Logan, Kendall had to be honest. "Not right now, no. I'd be a horrible father, always away from home. I don't know how I'll feel ten years from now, or even five. I only know that right now it's not something I want."

James absorbed that, eyes on the table as he drank his wine.

"What about you? Think you're ready for kids, James?"

"We're not talking about me."

"We need to. How am I supposed to know if you're what I'm looking for if you won't even tell me that much?"

"I've already told you, Kendall, I don't know what I want right now. I'm weighing my options, trying to find the right fit for me."

"And you haven't yet?" James' eyes cut away once again, frustrating Kendall into a sigh. "Look, I get that you can't give me any hints about who you're leaning toward, but I have the right to ask questions about your future and what you want. That affects me, too."

"I know it does. But I'm being honest when I tell you that I don't know what I want. That's the difference between you and me. And me and Carlos, and me and Logan, and me and everyone else. You guys all know what you want, have your futures planned out. I did until recently, when I realized that what I had wasn't enough anymore."

"I went through the same thing, James. I have my career for now, but when that's over I'm going to be lost. I don't want to end up alone."

"Neither do I. I never cared before, but now the idea scares the shit out of me."

"Me, too. With me you won't ever be alone, I can promise you that."

"Except when hockey season is on."

"Who says you can't travel with me? We've got the money for that."

"And then what of Fame? I'd still never see him."

Kendall shrugged, not having an answer for that.

"I guess what I'm learning more than anything else from this experience is that no matter who I choose, compromises will have to be made."

"But that's not just this experience, James. That's the way love and relationships work—compromise is what keeps it working."

"I guess. I've also learned that when you work hard to maintain an image, people assume things about you that might not be true."

Kendall nodded, hoping James wasn't about to go off again regarding the way they'd made assumptions about him. Instead James stood and said, "Will you dance with me?"

"What? Dance?"

A small band had somehow appeared on a tiny stage Kendall hadn't even noticed until James gestured toward it, and when James gave a signal they started playing. "I know you don't dance, but...for me? That whole compromise thing?"

It was music with no words, something slow and wistful that had Kendall envisioning every romance movie he'd ever seen, and when James swept him up into his arms Kendall was in awe. He was a horrible dancer, had always embarrassed himself at school dances and shied away from it at the weddings he'd attended, but James had a way of swinging him around as if he was lighter than air, communicating silently when he should move and how. They didn't do much more than sway with a few random turns that James would surprise him with, chuckling each time Kendall clung to him in fear, but it was more dancing than Kendall had ever willingly participated in.

"Relax, Kendall. I got you. Let me sweep you off your feet."

He wanted to, he tried to relax and let James distract him, and for about five seconds at a time James was able to. Otherwise, he couldn't seem to give up control, and after two songs James lowered his arms and sighed at Kendall. "You're so afraid of dancing. Why?"

"I'm not afraid, I just don't do it well."

"You're a master on skates, why can't you move gracefully without them?"

"I don't know, I'm just not comfortable. I've always been like this. I'm sorry."

"Aww, don't be sorry. I'm not upset, I just wonder how anyone can resist music like that. You need to learn to let it take you away, lose yourself in it so that all that exists is you and the man you're dancing with. Let go, Kendall."

"I'm trying."

"One more song? Just close your eyes and give in?"

"Okay. I can do this."

"I know you can. Close your eyes."

Kendall did after taking a deep breath, and when a new song started he allowed James to move him across the floor, or at least a few steps away. He tried to relax, James' lips finding his and helping a bit as he focused on that and allowed James to move him, but halfway through James shook his head with a resigned smile. "This isn't working. Dancing is just one of those things you don't do."

"I tried to tell you."

"It's okay," James laughed, hugging Kendall to him. "I still love you."

The words were said without the intensity Kendall had imagined hearing them with, more like something one friend would say to another, but still his heart skipped a beat. He tilted his face up for a deep kiss, able to lose himself in this as he wasn't a dance, and after a few minutes James stepped back. "It's time to get you back. But we can finish this in the car, if you'd like."

"I would."

The ride back to the Luxor passed in a blur just as their helicopter ride had weeks before. James left him breathless, always wanting more, and when the car stopped in front of the massive pyramid he sighed in frustration. "I hate having to give you up at the end of the date. I don't want to share you anymore, James."

James only smiled, kissing Kendall once more before reaching across him to open the door. "Go. I don't want to get anywhere near your room because I might decide to stay all night."

"That's fine. We can kick Logan and Carlos out."

James giggled, shoving Kendall. "Go. I'll see you tomorrow night at the party, okay?"

"Is Carlos getting the date tomorrow?"

"Goodnight, Kendall. Sweet dreams."

"Night." He kissed James once again, then closed the door with another sigh.

Maybe one day he wouldn't have to do this, and they'd fall into bed together to finish what they seemed to start each time they were alone. Just once he wanted to know what it felt like to fall asleep in James' arms.

* * *

><p>Their room was empty, but Kendall knew Logan and Carlos would be waiting for a report. He entered the main suite, finding some of the guys gathered around the television and making his way to the kitchen area, where he found Carlos, Logan, Ryan, and Mike playing a game of cards. "Hey guys," he smiled, then almost fell over when he was tackled by Carlos.<p>

"Kendall! Oh my god, you're back! You came back!"

"Of course I came back," Kendall laughed, hugging Carlos to him. "Where would I go?"

"How about home?" Logan replied. "After the way James treated you yesterday, we were half afraid you two would end up arguing and you'd do that stupid 'Just send me home' crap again."

Ryan and Mike gaped. "You actually said that to him, Kendall?" Mike asked.

"I did once, yeah. He was being a dick."

"How are you still here?" Ryan wanted to know.

Kendall shrugged as well as he could with Carlos attached to him. "Maybe he likes being challenged, I don't know. We certainly argued plenty this morning."

"Thank God it's not just me," Logan sighed. "I wonder how many of us he argues with?"

"Not us," Ryan answered.

"And not me either," Carlos added. "Kendall, we woke up and you were gone and we panicked, we were so scared you went home! And then we ran over here and saw your luggage, so we knew it was okay, but man! Don't ever do that to me again!"

"Carlos, it's fine," Kendall chuckled, petting his hair. "I'm right here, but I can't breathe."

"Oh. Right." Carlos let go and stepped back. "And you haven't given me back Joanie, that's what I was mainly worried about."

"Sure, Carlos. Whatever you say."

"So, how'd it go?" Logan asked.

"We talked about a lot of things. And I'm really tired, I'm heading to bed. Do we know yet who's got tomorrow's date?"

"Yeah," Mike replied. "It's Max."

"Max. Okay. He seems to like Max, right?"

"Yes," Ryan confirmed. "But Max isn't...I don't know. He's just not who I'd want to see with James."

Everyone could agree on that.

"Goodnight, guys." Kendall waved, hoping Carlos and Logan would follow and glad when he heard them enter the hallway behind him.

Once in the room, Carlos and Logan settled on their beds while Kendall started undressing.

"Okay, spill," Logan commanded.

"Well, he woke me up before sunrise. We had a picnic on a mountain and watched the sun come up."

"Ohhhhh man, that's romantic," Carlos swooned. "I want a sunrise date!"

"I thought you wanted a Nascar date," Kendall grinned.

"I want it all, okay? Did you guys kiss while the sun was coming up? That would've been perfect."

"Um..." Trying to remember, Kendall shook his head. "I think we just ate and talked. And argued. I was still a little scared at that point, thinking he was pissed at us after Logan's date."

"And he wasn't?" Logan wondered.

"No, he said he knows from things you've said and things I've said that we're not...you know. Doing things."

"I did tell him he's only the third person I've kissed in my life."

"What?" Carlos gaped. "That's it? Dude, you need to kiss more people."

"It's quite alright, Carlos, I'm perfectly content to only kiss James for the rest of my life."

"Yeah, in your dreams. Though I will say he's the best kisser I've ever had."

"I love the way he kisses me," Logan sighed. "I feel like...I don't ever want it to end. Is that how you guys feel, too?"

Neither replied, Kendall focusing on changing into his comfy clothes.

"So it's okay for us to share, but not that much, apparently?"

"Logan, it's fine," Kendall answered. "It's just...hard to hear it, you know? It's like you said once, you think you have this amazing chemistry with someone and then see that he has it with someone else, too. It hurts."

Carlos nodded. "It's been way too long since I kissed him. I mean, he kissed me in Hawaii, but that was like...brief. I want another date with him, so bad."

Settling in next to Carlos, Kendall wrapped an arm around him. "I think you'll get one. Though there aren't too many dates left before hometown and he has to try everything out. He told me that he's 'cementing his decisions' now and making sure he's on the right track. So I think that means another round of dates for you guys, too. And probably Ryan."

"Wow, I feel bad for the other guys, the ones who haven't even had one date with him." Logan got under the covers and stretched out. "What happened after the sunrise? Was I right about the race track?"

"Yes, it was so intense! We drove actual Nascars. And I won the race. Then we spent some time on the Strip, playing some slots, and we ended with dinner at that Paris hotel."

"You got to go up in the Eiffel Tower, didn't you?" Carlos pouted.

"Yeah, sorry. It was cool, we went to the top for a while. And then we had dinner at the restaurant there, the food was so good. And we talked more about the future, about what we want. He really doesn't know what he wants, it's anybody's game at this point."

"But he definitely has his favorites," Logan commented. "You can't deny that."

"No, I agree with that. And we're definitely favorites."

"Along with Ryan," Carlos sighed.

Kendall squeezed him closer. "Don't worry about it too much. One of the things we talked about today is what happens after the show. I made sure he knows that no matter what happens we'll still be his friend. I mean, I'm not wrong about that, am I?"

Carlos shook his head adamantly. "No way! He's cool, and it would suck if I lost him to somebody else, but I'd still be his friend if he wanted. Did he say he wanted that?"

"He said it was something that's been weighing heavy on his mind, that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. I think it scares him, the idea that by choosing one of us, the other two might get mad."

"We won't get mad," Logan sighed. "Did you make sure he knows that?"

"Yes, I did. But he also got pissed because we talk so much, that we tell each other everything. And then we started arguing about that, about how we're all so close, and he went off about how when he tells us something he hates that we all get together and talk about it."

Guilt hit Logan hard. He'd sensed that James said things to him that he wasn't comfortable saying to others. "We probably should respect that. I'm sure he tells you things he doesn't want us knowing, Kendall."

Kendall shrugged. "Probably, but he seemed better after I informed him that even if he doesn't pick one of us, we still would like to hang out with him. And I noticed you never answered my question on that."

Letting out a long breath, Logan admitted, "I think it would take time."

"What would?" Carlos asked.

"For me to handle watching him with someone else. He's not even mine right now and I can barely tolerate it. Imagine us all hanging out and him bringing along a boyfriend. Even if it was someone like Ryan, who I like, it would be really hard. You can't just stop feeling things, not when your feelings are this strong."

"Yeah, it would be hard," Carlos agreed, "but it's better than never seeing him again, right?"

"When seeing him rips your heart open every time? I'm not so sure."

"Logan. Look at me."

Logan resisted Kendall's command.

"Logan."

"What?" He sat up, irritated. "I know what you're gonna say. I know I'm selfish and that I came into this knowing I probably wouldn't win but that doesn't make it easier, okay? You guys are so laid-back about it, like 'Yeah, he'll probably end up with Ryan and we'll still be cool' but I don't know how to be cool about that. I love him. So much that seeing him touch anyone else makes me want to rage. And if that's wrong, if you're going to tell me that's not love, then fine. But don't tell me everything's going to work out and I should be happy for him. Maybe one day I can be, but not right away."

"Ah, Logan. All I was going to say is that it's natural to feel that way. I never said it wouldn't be hard for me and Carlos, just that we can live with it. If you can't...well. That changes things."

"I'm sorry. I love you guys, and if he ends up with one of you I think I'll be okay. It'll hurt sometimes, but I'll accept that God has a plan for me that doesn't include James. I'll be able to see that you're happy, whichever of you James chooses, and that he's happy, but..." Tears suddenly came out of nowhere and Logan couldn't breathe. "Fuck!"

Carlos was there in a flash, hugging Logan tight while Kendall stood over them. "Breathe, Logan."

"I haven't let myself think about it, I won't let myself, but when I do I panic, and I can't breathe, because he's so amazing and he's everything I never knew I wanted and I need him, I need him, you guys."

"You've got us," Carlos soothed. "We're not going anywhere, okay? Even if you win James, we're right here. Always."

"I know. Thank you for that." Logan buried his face in Carlos' chest, calm returning. "I'm sorry. Usually I'm able to control myself better. And Kendall, don't even think about it. We had a deal."

Kendall turned away in frustration.

"I know you, I know you're thinking of just taking yourself out of this competition for me, but that's not fair to James. He cares for you a lot, and it wouldn't be fair to him to suddenly disappear because you can't stand to see your friends unhappy."

"This fucking sucks!" Kendall yelled. "I want him, but if I get him, it kills you. How am I supposed to be happy with him when I know you're suffering because of it?"

"I told you, as long as he ends up with one of you, I'm fine. Because I know you love him and you'll treat him right. And when I see him smile, when I see that he's happy, that'll be enough."

"Even though it's slicing you in two knowing it's not you who's making him smile?"

Logan nodded. "Even though. I promise, Kendall, that I will survive. I've survived worse. And if he chooses you and you don't make me your best man at the wedding, we'll have a serious problem."

"I agree," Carlos interjected, looking up at Kendall. "But since I want to be your best man, too, Logan and I will have to fight to the death for the honor."

"Shut up," Logan chuckled, shoving Carlos away. Carlos' bright grin made him laugh. "I don't know how I lived without you guys."

"Doesn't matter, because you always have us. We're here for life, dude."

"I can't wait for Caroline to meet you guys. She's going to love you, Carlos."

"Yeah, kids usually do. I can't wait, either."

"You okay?" Kendall asked seriously, watching Logan in concern.

"Yeah. Promise. Just had a moment."

"It's okay to love him. That's what we're here for."

"I know. I'm more afraid of what happens after. I can't lose you guys, too."

"Who says you're losing James?" Carlos countered. "You could still win this thing."

"And so could you. And so could Kendall. I just wish it was over already, this waiting is killing me. If I don't get him, let me move on now, you know?"

"That's not how the game is played," Kendall reminded them. "But we're getting closer. For all we know, Max could go home tomorrow."

"No, Max isn't going anywhere," Logan shook his head.

"You can't know that."

"He's right, Kendall. Chris told us today that only two were going to be eliminated this week. That was Dave and Kevin."

"Wait, what? You mean I was safe the whole time today?"

"Yep," Logan smirked. "Bet he didn't bother to tell you that, did he?"

"That asshole! He knew when he sent them home that anyone else he chose to date would be safe. I'm gonna kill him."

"Were you really all that worried, Kendall? Honestly?"

At Logan's question, one corner of Kendall's mouth lifted. "No. Not really. Not once he told me he knew we weren't sleeping together." Kendall slid into his bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. "So we're all safe. Tomorrow's rose ceremony is a joke."

"It's still a chance to spend time with him," Carlos grinned. "And I'm gonna make full use of my time. I miss those lips." When a pillow was chucked at him, Carlos frowned. "What was that for, Kendall?"

"I don't know, you're just annoying me."

"Aww, is Kendall jealous? You don't like the thought of me kissing James, do you? Afraid I might steal your thunder? I am pretty irresistible."

"Aggravating. Ridiculous. Those are words I'd use to describe you. 'Irresistible' is not one of them."

"Don't forget 'adorable.' You've used that one a few times."

"Go to sleep, Carlos. And give me back my pillow."

"Give me back Joanie."

"No way."

"Then suffer." Carlos turned off the light and climbed into his own bed, he and Logan having been already dressed in sweats and tees.

"You know, I was thinking," Logan said suddenly.

Carlos frowned. "That's always scary."

"Hush. The closer we get to the final weeks, the smaller our group gets."

"Yeah? And?" Kendall prodded.

"There won't be a need for three of us to share a room. They'll put us two to a room."

Silence greeted that statement as it sank in that they wouldn't always have each other close.

"And when we get to the final four, none of us will share rooms. That's how it works."

"Explain that," Kendall demanded.

"Well, he goes home with us and then one is eliminated at the end. That leaves three. Then we each have our fantasy dates, where he has the option to spend the night with us. I don't even think they allow us to talk to each other at that point."

"No," Carlos whispered.

"Seriously. None of us has any idea what's going on until we meet up again for the rose ceremony. We won't know who slept with him and who didn't."

"Is there any one of us who would say no if James asked?" Kendall reasoned. "Let's be honest."

"That's just it," Logan answered. "He has the option of not asking."

For once even Carlos didn't brag, proving how terrified he was.

"What happens then?" Kendall pressed.

"He sends one of us home after the sleepovers. That leaves two. Those two go home to meet his family, but each meets with them separately. Again, there's no contact between the contestants. From what I can tell."

"And then the last week?" Carlos asked.

"The last week there's a date with each of them. His last chance to make a decision, to compare them and decide what he really wants."

"Can we sleep with him on that one?"

"I think so, Carlos. By that time it's usually already happened."

"And then?"

"And then...well, have you guys seen the final episode of any season? The actual proposal?"

"No," they replied in unison.

"Neither contestant knows going into it if the other has already been eliminated. They do it in a way that you show up and you don't know if you're the first one or the last one. If you're the first, it means you lost. That he didn't choose you. But you don't know that until you're there and he has to tell you. If you win, you don't know that, either. Not until he actually proposes."

Carlos shivered as if listening to a ghost story. "That's just wrong. I could show up there thinking I have a chance and then get slapped in the face? Man. Harsh."

"It is," Logan nodded, his cheek rubbing against the pillow. "The stress at that point would be enough to drive anyone crazy. It's almost better to be eliminated before you get to that round."

"Almost," Kendall added. "But not quite."

"No," Logan sighed. "Not quite. Because at that point it's not about winning. It's about holding on to the man you love, and realizing that the future you want with him may not be what he wants. It's...really hard, even watching it on T.V. I always feel bad for the one who gets turned down, because you know they really love him. And you know that he loves them, too, just...not as much as he loves the winner."

"We all know he has feelings for us, right?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, he does," Carlos replied. "But who does he love most?"

No one could answer that question, and so none of them attempted to. Instead they thought back over the previous weeks, remembering each smile and touch from James and analyzing every word he'd said. By the time they fell into a troubled sleep, each of them was frustrated.

They were going into another rose ceremony knowing each one of them was safe, but their futures were more uncertain than ever.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

This story has hit almost 300 pages, and I still have at least 5 chapters to write. What the hell did I get myself into? I'm happy you guys are still enjoying it. The pressure is now starting to get to the boys, so here comes the drama, and it's only going to get worse as the contest winds to a close. Stick with me, okay? Even when it seems things are at their bleakest, remember that everything happens for a reason. :)

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Max was gone all the next day, the remaining guys thrilled to hear they would be given money and allowed to enjoy the Luxor's casino for a few hours. Carlos, Logan, and Kendall stuck together, realizing their time was short now.<p>

Max of course returned from his date with a rose, not that James had had any choice after sending Dave and Kevin home, and Chris gathered everyone in the main suite to pass on the message that their party tonight would be just that—a party. As there was no pressure and no need for anyone to sweat over their fate, James requested that all of them simply get together for a night of fun and enjoy themselves out at the pool area and promised to spend time with each and every one of them.

James was all smiles as usual, in a festive mood and not giving away any hints as to how his date with Max had gone. For the first half hour Austin, Jared, Jerry, and Max demanded James' attention, the other five happy to let them act like fools and playing a game of volleyball in the pool. Eventually James dragged everyone else over to join in, and the game became cutthroat once Kendall and James were pitted against each other, their natural competitiveness coming out to shine. When it looked like James' team was going to lose, he offered an extra ten minutes of alone time later to whichever member of his team made the winning pass. It worked, Mike coming through for the win, and Kendall and Logan scowled across the net. Carlos was happy enough, having been on James' team, and suddenly jumped him in the pool, wrapping his legs around him and saying, "I think the rest of us should get an extra five minutes. Since we helped."

James laughed and agreed, kissing Carlos while the rest groaned and Kendall chucked the ball at them. It almost knocked them over, both of them giggling as Carlos gave Kendall the finger.

"Oh, it's on." Kendall swam under the net to take them both down, James letting out a shriek and backing away so that Carlos suffered the attack when Kendall dragged him under the water.

"How about some drinks?" James called out suddenly, anxious to get away from the antics of the other two before being tackled underwater himself. Everyone laughed and joined him, making their way to the bar and leaving Kendall and Carlos to play. Logan caught Jared whispering to Austin and knew it was about Kendall and Carlos, but remembered that James didn't approve of speculation of that sort and refrained from calling them out.

At a particularly loud shriek from Carlos, Logan rolled his eyes and trudged back to the pool, hissing at them. "Will you two get out of there and start acting like adults? Don't make James jealous."

"Oh. Right." Kendall scooped Carlos up and then tossed him away, snickering when Carlos came up spluttering.

"I'll get you, Knight. Hey Logan, is James really jealous?"

"He doesn't seem like it, but you know he's not going to show it in front of the other guys if he is. Just get out, come hang with the rest of us."

Music was suddenly piped across the pool area, everyone looking around and cheering. "Yeah, let's go dance!" Carlos yelled. He rushed out of the pool and over to the group, immediately dragging James away from the bar while James tried to hold onto his drink.

"Shit, he's going to piss everyone off at this rate," Logan worried. "He's all over James."

"So is everyone else, he might as well." Kendall plucked a towel off a nearby pile and rubbed it over his face, then dried his hair somewhat.

"We're not. And neither are Mike and Ryan. Notice that? His favorites are the ones who don't throw themselves at him?"

"Yeah, but why is Carlos immune to that? He seems to like it when Carlos does it."

"Because he's Carlos. If anyone else had jumped him like that and kissed him in the pool, James wouldn't have let it happen."

"I'm not so sure about that. Look over there."

Logan did, where the other guys were dancing to the music and Jerry had cut in on Carlos and James, Jerry quite aggressively grinding against James.

"Wow," Logan commented.

"Yeah, James doesn't seem to be fighting that at all."

"He's horny. You can't really blame him."

"Aren't we all?" Kendall complained. "I love how Carlos doesn't let it bother him, he just dances around anyway and has a good time."

"Want to dance?" Logan invited, half-joking.

"No. Not at all. I don't dance."

"I don't either, not much. It's not that I don't like it, I'm just not very good at it. Jane got me dancing at our wedding and that was fun, but I still felt self-conscious about it, you know? Everyone staring and me not knowing what I was doing."

Kendall nodded in complete understanding. "James got me dancing last night. Poorly."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. Some slow song, and I felt like an idiot because I tried, but I just couldn't make my body get into it. He kept telling me to just relax, to let the music take me away, but...I don't know. I couldn't lose myself the way he can."

"Fuck, he's hot," Logan suddenly said in a low voice. "Look at him move."

"I know. We should probably look away now. Wait, doesn't it bother you? Like at the luau, when you were getting jealous watching us all dance with him?"

"It does, but I can't seem to stop watching him. His hips, how does he just...mmm." Shaking his head, Logan turned away. "I need a drink."

"Let's go do that."

Kendall and Logan took seats at the bar, their backs to the craziness behind them, and talked while trying not to think about the fact that James was practically fucking the other guys across the patio. Occasionally their eyes drifted back and they were forced to stare as the dancing got more heated, lips and hands involved eventually, Logan and Kendall both fighting their own bodies that were responding to the sight of James not only aggressive but sexually so.

"I really wish I knew how to dance," Kendall muttered at one point, watching James and Carlos move to the beat wrapped up in each other. "I bet it's amazing to feel James like—oh fuck, it's getting intense."

Logan spun around in spite of his wishes to not see more, witnessing James now dancing with Jerry while Austin moved in behind him, James letting his head fall back on Austin's shoulder while Jerry attacked his neck. "Holy fuck," Logan whispered. "He's gonna lose it. Where the hell is Rich?"

"Rich?"

"Yeah, he...never mind. But someone needs to-" His words cut off when Jerry's lips traveled down James' chest, Jared then moving in to suck at his neck, and James could barely stand with the lust coursing through him. "Shit."

In two seconds Logan was up, cutting through the bodies and grabbing James' wrist to tug hard. It woke him up, James blinking in surprise at Logan, then allowing Logan to pull him away toward the pool. "I need five minutes with you," Logan said softly. "Please?"

"Yeah, of course." Out of breath, James slid into the pool after Logan did, dunking his body for a moment before standing and rubbing water out of his face. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, James. Are you?"

"Yeah, just...wow. Fuck. So hot right now."

"I know. That's why I pulled you away. I think you were about to snap."

"Fuck, it felt so good. I'm going crazy not able to do anything."

Logan nodded, again saying, "I know. I didn't see Rich around, so..."

James suddenly laughed, hugging Logan to him. "So that was your version of yelling 'Brooke'?"

"Well, somebody had to," Logan blushed.

"You could've joined in, you know," James said slyly. "I wouldn't have minded."

"Yeah, and our pants would have disappeared in five seconds."

"We're not wearing pants."

"Even worse, then. Two seconds."

Laughing again, James pressed a kiss to Logan's lips. "I love the way you know me so well, even though it's only been a few weeks. You saw me and knew."

"I did. I know exactly what it looks like when you're turned on. Though I've never seen you quite that...heated."

"I usually keep it better contained. Though with you, I admit I don't have a lot of control."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should."

They grinned at each other. "I bet everyone thinks I pulled you over here because I was jealous."

"Were you?" James asked.

Logan shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

"You can tell me."

"I can't really be jealous in a situation like this, when you're allowed to freely touch everyone. It's part of the game."

"Answer my question."

James' eyes were intense on Logan's when he glanced up, Logan's body feeling the pull as it always did when James looked at him like that. "Yes," he finally answered in a low voice. "Every time you touch someone else, I want to rip their heads off."

When James' mouth smothered his, Logan gasped and buried his fingers in James' wet hair, tugging as his legs wrapped around James' waist. James spun them so that Logan was up against the pool wall, his hips thrusting and the whirlwind taking them away again, both lost to everything around them and aware only of the sensations rushing through them as they tried to get closer, it seemed they could never get close enough. Logan kept trying to somehow climb up James' body as if that would help, frustrated groans escaping into James' mouth and James' hands squeezing from behind to grind them together. Logan moaned then, desperate for something he'd never known but instinctively craved, and for the first time James didn't seem like he had any intention of stopping, there wasn't even an ounce of restraint in his touch.

A loud cry of "Cannonball!" from behind had them jolting, two bodies crashing the water and sending waves closer to wash over them, and finally Logan dropped his legs and backed off. Of course it was Kendall and Carlos, and while they acted as if they were simply being their silly selves, Logan knew they'd done it to break through the trance that had fallen over him and James. "Thanks," he mouthed to Kendall, who nodded but didn't seem all that happy, and Logan knew it must have hurt to witness that.

James sucked in a breath. "I think it's time to start my private time with each of you. Carlos, you're up."

"Woohoo!"

When James turned away, Carlos hopped up onto his back, forcing James to catch him, and the two giggled as James carried him out of the pool and into the hotel, not even caring that they were dripping everywhere.

"I'm sorry about that," Logan apologized. "I brought him over here for the exact opposite reason, because I know he gets turned on and sometimes can't control it. He's used to sex all the time."

"I'm aware of that," Kendall replied in a slightly acidic tone.

"Kendall, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. We were just talking and the next thing I knew he was on me. I lose my head around him, it's crazy, I can't seem to control-"

"Logan, you don't have to explain. I keep telling you, it's not wrong to feel that way about him, that's why we're here."

"But you're pissed."

"No, I'm jealous. And a little hurt. If you can get hurt over it, so can I."

"I never said you couldn't. Dammit, Kendall, I can't lose you. I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again."

"Quit apologizing! It's gonna happen, and if it's not you it's somebody else. Next time it might even be me, and you'll be the one standing there having to see it. It's just how things are, there's no need to be sorry."

"Fine, but then don't make me feel guilty about it, either."

"I didn't! I told you, it's no big deal."

"But it is. It's a huge deal, to both of us. It's not going to get easier."

"I know that. Why do you keep saying things I already know? Let's just stop talking about it."

"Okay."

"Fine."

After taking a deep breath, Logan shook his head and pulled Kendall into a hug. "I don't want to fight with you."

"I don't either. It's so hard, though."

"I know."

They held onto each other until they were calm, Kendall finally suggesting, "Let's go get some food. There's a whole buffet set up we haven't even tried."

Logan glanced over near the bar, where the rest of the guys were filling plates and laughing, trying to enjoy themselves and not let the pressure of it all ruin the fun—which was exactly what James had requested. "Sounds good. And you'll have time alone with James yourself later, don't forget."

"Yeah. Can't wait."

"I figure I used up my time just now. I won't be upset if he passes over me later."

"I bet he doesn't. I bet he still takes you away for a few minutes."

Logan shrugged. "Either way, I enjoyed my time with him tonight."

"I'll just bet you did."

For a second Logan thought Kendall was pissed, but then he realized Kendall was smirking and he punched Kendall in the arm, both of them laughing as they joined the other guys.

* * *

><p>There was a small room that had been set up for "alone time," reminding Carlos very much of their first kiss in the cabin. This one had a fireplace as well, and a big cozy chair that Carlos chose over the couch, shoving James back into it once James had released him.<p>

"Uh oh, Carlos is on the prowl," James smirked.

He climbed onto James' lap, settling in close with a smirk of his own. "I get horny James tonight. It's my lucky day."

"Yes," James grinned, "but I have to behave. So be nice."

"You weren't behaving with Logan."

The smile faded. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"But it did. So you owe me." Carlos attacked James' lips, James groaning before giving in, allowing Carlos to grind over him with only two thin layers of fabric between them.

"Carlos, fuck. I need to get you dancing with me again."

"That _was_ pretty hot, at least until everyone else joined in."

"Yes, but...okay, you need to stop moving."

"But why?" Carlos whined, rocking harder. "We're all alone, nobody has to know."

"But_ I_ know. And I can't. I'm sorry." James lifted Carlos up and off him, setting him gently on his knees. "You don't know how sorry I am."

"I can see it." Carlos slid his palm over James' erection, James hissing before standing and lifting a leg over Carlos' head to put distance between them, approaching the fire with his back to Carlos.

"This is hard enough, don't make it harder."

Carlos sighed and twisted to settle back into the chair. "Okay. How long do I have with you?"

"Well, you get an extra five minutes, remember?"

"Oh yeah! So when do I get another date?"

James shook his head, unable to fight the grin that split his lips as he faced Carlos. "You don't ever give up, do you?"

"Not when it's something I want."

"I can't promise anything. But I can tell you that I want to. I had a lot of fun on our last date."

"I know you did. I did, too."

"Where would you like to go, Carlos?"

"On a date? You're letting me pick?"

"Again, I'm not promising anything. And it can't be something we've already done, so no Nascar for you."

"Man, that's so unfair. Kendall gets all the cool stuff. He got a Lakers game, the Eiffel Tower, Nascar..."

"And all you got was camping and making out in a tent."

"Aww, I'm not complaining." When Carlos held out his arms, James went, kneeling between his legs. "Our date was awesome."

"Which we've agreed on. Now where would you like to go?"

"What city are we going to next? Is it in the U.S.?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Come on, you're just gonna tell us all in a few hours anyway."

James sighed. "Carlos, you are so aggravating sometimes."

"But you love me, right?"

Rolling his eyes, James nevertheless grinned and said, "Yes. And I guess it won't kill you to know where we're going next. It's nothing exciting, we're going back to L.A. The mansion."

"Oh, really? That's exciting to me, I haven't seen any of L.A. Do I get to see the city this time?"

"No comment."

"James," Carlos whined. "You can't tease me like that!"

"You're so adorable," James chuckled, arms around Carlos.

"That's what Kendall always says." Carlos let out an overly dramatic sigh and said, "I guess I'll go back out there now, since I'm not getting anything else out of you."

"Kiss first?"

Carlos grinned. "Of course!"

As Carlos was about to exit the room, James called out, "Send someone else in!"

"Who?"

"I don't care, surprise me. But not Kendall."

Carlos spun around, eyes wide. "You don't want to see Kendall?"

"I didn't say that, I only said I don't want Kendall right now."

"...okay."

"Just go, Carlos."

"If you don't want Kendall, can I have his time? Double your pleasure."

"Get out!" James yelled, laughing, and Carlos winked before he was gone.

"Oh, Carlos. How did I ever survive without you in my life?"

* * *

><p>About halfway through the parade of men, Logan quirked an eyebrow at Carlos. "What does he do, tell you when you leave to send the next guy in?"<p>

"Exactly," Carlos replied, stuffing his face with a cupcake. "He said anybody but Kendall."

"Excuse me?" Kendall interrupted, sitting up straighter in his seat at the table they'd taken over.

"He did. But not that he didn't want you at all, just not right then."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Calm down, Kendall," Logan soothed, leaning over to lay a hand on Kendall's wrist. "Maybe he's saving the best for last."

"Nope, I was first."

"Carlos, not now." Logan settled back into his chair only when Kendall had done the same.

"We should dance," Carlos suggested, eyes on the other guys, most of which were doing just that.

"We don't dance," Kendall argued, still pissy about James not wanting him.

"If it bothers you that much, Kendall, go bust your way in. Everyone else does it."

"Yes, Logan, but we're not everyone else. We're not rude."

"Actually, I'm going to." Logan stood up, the other two gaping at him in shock. "Not like that, don't get your panties in a bunch. But we've all pigged out and he's had nothing to eat, so I'm going to make him a plate. I'm sure he's starving."

Carlos snickered. "Always the mom."

"Father, Carlos, father. Or at least call me a parent." Logan spun on his heel and went to the buffet, filling a plate with things he thought James would like. He knew Kendall and Carlos assumed he was jealous and wanted to see James, but the truth was he had been thinking about it for a while and felt bad that James hadn't had anything to eat yet. After picking up a beer from the bar, he took both the plate and bottle into the hotel, finding the room quickly.

He peeked in, knowing it was Ryan who was holed up with James at the moment, and knocked lightly at the door to get their attention. They'd been sitting on the couch laughing together, and Logan almost felt bad until James' eyes lit up at the sight of him; that made it all worth it.

"Logan! Hey."

"Hey. Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I thought James might be hungry."

"I am, thanks!" James stood and met Logan halfway, Logan trying to get a sense of Ryan's feelings but picking up nothing hostile. "And you brought me potato salad. I love you."

Logan grinned. "I remembered that much about your eating habits, anyway." He passed over the food and beer, James careful not to drop the silverware as he received it.

"Thanks." James dropped a quick kiss on Logan's cheek, Logan flushing before clearing his throat.

"Catch you guys later."

"Bye, Logan," Ryan waved.

"Bye, Ryan." Grateful that Ryan didn't seem angry, Logan backed out of the room and returned to the pool area with a smile on his face. Their table was empty, causing Logan to frown as his gaze roamed the patio, then his eyes widened. Kendall was..._dancing?_

Or at least attempting to. It was almost comical, the way it had been in Hawaii, but Carlos was doing well in getting him to loosen up. Logan joined them with a grin. "Having fun?"

"We're trying, but Kendall doesn't know how to relax."

"I know how to relax," Kendall argued.

"Not when you dance, you don't. Come on, like this." Carlos did a simple move, making his body flow effortlessly, and Logan fought to keep a straight face when Kendall tried to replicate it.

"What's wrong?" Carlos asked. "You were doing good."

"I don't know, I hate dancing. I told you."

"Come on," Carlos said again. "You can do this."

"Yeah, Kendall, you can do this," Logan snickered.

"You be quiet. How'd it go with James?"

"Fine. I just took him a plate of food, it was nothing special."

"Was Ryan pissed?" Carlos wanted to know.

"Didn't seem like it. I was only in there for maybe two minutes, tops."

"What were they doing when you walked in?"

"Carlos," Kendall scolded. "That's rude."

"Yeah, and you want to know the answer." When Kendall didn't reply, Carlos gave him a smug smile.

"They were just talking, guys. Or laughing, I guess."

"But were they cuddled up together?"

"No, Carlos, they were just...I don't know. Talking."

"But how were they sitting?"

"Just next to each other on the couch. James got up to take the food and then I left."

"You should've stayed longer."

"Carlos, if you want to know so bad-" Logan shut up abruptly at a look of warning from Carlos, and he knew Ryan was approaching.

"Logan, it's your turn."

"Me? But I had my time in the pool with him."

"Don't argue," Kendall said, shoving Logan in the direction of the hotel. "Just take what you can get."

"I'm sorry for interrupting, Ryan."

"It's fine, Logan. He ended up sharing with me, so it worked out for both of us," Ryan smiled.

"Okay, cool. See you guys in a few, I guess."

The smile James greeted him with had Logan's heart flipping over in his chest, and he knew that no matter how much making out James and Kendall had done on their date, nothing had changed between James and himself. It was a relief when James stood and pulled Logan into his arms, Logan sinking into the embrace and resting there, feeling James' strong heartbeat under his cheek.

"Hi again," James said softly, kissing Logan's temple.

"Hi."

Neither moved for a long time, Logan wishing they never had to again, except of course for the fact that Caroline was too far away.

"Thanks for the food, that was thoughtful."

"I figured you must be hungry. As Carlos said, it's the parent in me, making sure you're taken care of."

"Yeah, you're always worried about everyone else. You don't see that a lot around here."

Kendall popped into Logan's brain at that point, and he wondered if James was thinking the same thing. "I would apologize for what happened in the pool, but I think you'd probably tell me not to be sorry."

"That's exactly what I would say. You were just trying to help."

"Help myself, apparently," Logan chuckled.

James laughed before pressing his lips to Logan's forehead again.

"You really shouldn't have called me in here. I've had plenty of you tonight."

"It's never enough, Logan. It'll probably be days before I can do this again. Weeks, even."

"What, touch me?"

"Be this close to you, yeah. Seeing you across a room isn't enough anymore."

Heart melting, Logan's arms tightened around James' waist. They were still standing in the middle of the room just holding each other, Logan's face against James' bare chest and feeling the tight muscles shift every time James did, and for five long minutes they did nothing more. Logan's eyes closed as he felt himself relaxing completely so that when James did speak, he jumped slightly.

"How late is it in Wisconsin?"

"Uh...I don't know. What time is it here?"

"I took off my watch, I have no idea. But it can't be that late, right?"

"No, probably not."

"Have you called her today?"

"I did earlier, while you were out with Max."

"Oh."

The disappointment in James' voice tugged at Logan's heart. "But if you said you wanted to, I bet they'd let us call her. Just for a few minutes."

"Yeah?"

"I think so, don't you?"

James stepped back, fear in his eyes that was mixed with anticipation. He was nervous and it made Logan want to kiss him until he was calm again. "Is that okay? Your mom won't mind?"

"Of course not, she knows we miss each other. And it won't be a long phone call anyway."

"Come on." James took Logan's hand, knowing exactly where to find the right people to make it happen.

Logan was nervous, too, having no idea what this would do. What would James even say to her? Caroline did have a mouth on her, and if she didn't like what James had to say, she would make it known. "James, maybe we shouldn't-"

It was too late, though. James had a phone in his hand and passed it to Logan, who swallowed before dialing. There was of course someone standing near and listening, which Logan always found ridiculous. What was he possibly going to say to his five-year-old daughter that could give away clues about the show?

His mother picked up, surprised, and Logan quickly explained that he needed to talk to Caroline. When she asked he reassured her that everything was fine and their time was short, and in less than thirty seconds his angel's sleepy voice resonated over the airwaves. "Daddy?"

Immediately his lips curved up, his face brightening. "Hey, pumpkin. You asleep?"

"I was. Grandma woke me up. Where are you?"

"I'm still in Las Vegas, honey. At the big pyramid."

"With the light shooting into the sky?"

"Yes," Logan chuckled, aware of James' gaze on him. "It's shooting up there right now."

"Take a picture!"

"I'll try, but I don't know how well it will come out."

"Are you coming home tomorrow, Daddy?"

"No, sweetie, I told you earlier. A few more weeks, okay?" He hoped, at least. James did nothing to give him a hint, only smiled when he caught Logan's eye. "I miss you, though."

"I know. What kind of animals are in the big pyramid? Lions and tigers?"

"Well...you know what? Hang on, my friend James is here-" James' eyes grow round as saucers "-and he can tell you. Want to talk to him?" James was shaking his head emphatically, panic screaming from every pore.

"Is he nice?"

"He's very nice, Caroline. Hold on." With a grin Logan passed James the phone. "She wants to know what kinds of animals we have here at the hotel."

"What should I say?"

"You'll figure it out. Just pretend you're talking to Lana's niece." When James still looked terrified, Logan grabbed the phone and set it on speaker. "You there, pumpkin?"

"Yeah, Daddy. Where's James?"

"I'm uh...I'm right here. Hi."

"Hi. Daddy says you know about the animals."

"Well, um...we saw some cats the other day. In the exhibit."

"Cats? Were they black? Those are bad luck."

"No, they're not, Caroline," Logan interrupted. "I told you, that's a myth. It's not true." James lifted an eyebrow in disagreement, and Logan rolled his eyes. "Not you, too."

James only shrugged. "They were black," he said to Caroline. "And we didn't see any, but there's a hotel here that has lions and tigers."

"Really? What color?"

"The tigers are white. I'd guess the lions are the normal color."

"Simba is a lion."

"Who?"

"Simba. His daddy died."

James blinked suddenly, panic returning.

Logan smiled. "It's a movie, James. _The Lion King._ How have you not seen that?"

"I saw that, Logan. I just didn't know what she was talking about right away."

"You watched the movie?" Caroline asked in excitement. "I like Pumbaa."

"I like Timon," James grinned.

"Timon's a meerkat! They live in the ground and talk to each other. And eat bugs. Ew."

"Yeah, I don't like bugs either. What about Mufasa, he was pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah! Do you like _Toy Story_?"

"Of course! Who's your favorite in that?"

"I like Buzz. He can do flips!"

They were bonding over Disney movies. Logan felt tears rise in his eyes and had to turn away. He knew it wasn't a sign that they'd all live happily ever after, nor was it even a guarantee that James would want to be part of their family, but it was a step.

"He can, that's right. You know what, Caroline? I can do flips, too."

"Nuh uh!"

"It's true."

Logan spun around, wondering why in the world James would say something like that. "Can you really?"

James nodded, a smug smile on his face.

"Can you teach me, James?"

Logan's heart swelled impossibly at the excitement in her voice. He begged James with his eyes, pleaded for James not to make promises he couldn't keep.

"We'll see. If I ever get the chance to meet you, I will. How does that sound?"

"Yay! Grandma, I'm gonna learn flips!"

"Shit," Logan sighed. He took the phone back and turned it off speaker. "Caroline, honey, we have to go now. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy! Bye, James!"

Warring with himself, Logan ended up passing the phone back to James. "She wants to say goodbye."

"Oh." Pressing the phone to his ear, James said, "Goodnight, Caroline. Sweet dreams. Uh huh. I will. Promise. Oh, Spongebob? Yeah, I've seen a little bit of that. He'll keep you safe. Okay. Goodnight."

When James handed the phone over, the call had been disconnected. Logan frowned, returning the phone to the man who had given it to them.

"What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, it's just now she's all excited about something that might never happen. She's had enough disappointment in her life, James, don't make promises to her that you can't keep."

"I didn't promise her anything."

"You might as well have. Kids are like that, you say 'maybe' and they hear 'definitely.'"

"I'm sorry. If I do get to meet her, I'll teach her how to do a backflip. I wasn't lying."

"Really? You can do that?"

With a smirk, James commanded, "Stand back."

"What, you're gonna do it right here?"

"I don't need much." James looked around to be sure he had room, and then crouched before flipping his legs into the air and turning over to land flawlessly, arms out.

"Holy shit. Where did you learn that?"

"I took dance as a kid. That was something we learned. I still do it when I work out in the mornings, just to keep myself in shape. The day I can't backflip anymore is the day I give up on life."

"You are so..."

"What? Ridiculous?"

"Precious," Logan replied, sliding his arms around James' waist. "I don't like that you're so amazing. It scares me because I might lose this without ever really knowing what it's like to have it."

James sighed. "I know. I wish there was something I could say to calm your fears about that, but..."

"Don't. Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I'm not going to."

That brought the reality of their situation crashing down on Logan again, and he moved away suddenly. "How long have we been in here?"

"Uh...way too long. Let's get back out there."

Logan didn't even bother to kiss James before leaving him, thoughts a jumbled mess as he returned to the pool area alone. Was he supposed to send someone else in to James?

Kendall didn't give him a chance to decide. He passed Logan on his way into the hotel. "Done now?"

"Yes. Sorry."

"I told you. Don't be."

And then Kendall was gone, Logan wanting to scream in frustration. This entire situation was so fucked up, everything about it. He wanted it to be over, wanted to be home with his daughter and awaiting a phone call from either Kendall or Carlos, one where they'd laugh and catch up on life and not all be fighting over the same perfect man.

But he also wanted to be waiting for that perfect man to walk through the door with dinner he'd picked up on the way home from the airport, planning to surprise them with Caroline's favorite pizza and the ice cream he'd also stopped for as a treat. He held on to that vision, James greeting him with a hug and that bright smile that lit up his face as he swung Logan around before doing the same to Caroline.

_I've got to stop torturing myself like this. It's only going to kill me more when he chooses someone else._

Carlos waved him over and Logan shoved the visions aside. Dwelling on dreams that might never come true would only make this harder.

* * *

><p>Kendall had crossed the room and was almost upon him when James finally turned away from the fireplace he'd been staring into; having been lost in the flames, James hadn't even heard him approach. He smiled, pleasantly surprised. "Kendall! Hi!"<p>

"Hey. Hope you don't mind, I decided to be next."

"Of course not! Having a good time out there?"

"It's alright. It's nice not having to worry about who's getting a rose and who's not, since you already sent home the ones who aren't."

"Yeah, I'm not sitting here terrified I might send the wrong person home, either. It's nice on both sides."

"Do you worry about that? Really? I figured you made your decisions and never looked back."

"That's partly true, I mean once the decision is made I can't allow myself to doubt it or regret it. I'd go crazy. But until I make the decision, there's a lot of wondering and second-guessing myself. It's a lot harder than it was in the beginning to say goodbye to someone you really like and know you'll never see him again."

"I can imagine." Trying to steer James away from the heavy topic, Kendall said, "Speaking of which, it would've been nice to know on our date that I wasn't going home at the end of the night."

James frowned. "Why would you think I'd send you home? Did you really fear that?"

"Not too much, I guess, but there's always that chance. Dates with you are awesome, but if they go badly I get sent home. I wish I'd known I was safe the whole time."

"You mean you didn't? I'd already sent home the two for the week."

"Yes, but none of us realized only two would go home. We're used to three."

"Oh my god, I'm sorry! I would've said something. Aww, Kendall, I'm sorry. Come here." James pulled Kendall into a hug, laughing softly. "I bet Max was terrified all day. I didn't even realize. Would you have done anything differently if you'd known?"

"No, I'm just me. Take me or leave me."

"I love that about you. Most of the time."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Because I'm the same way. I'm not going to change for anyone."

"Not even Logan?"

James tensed in Kendall's arms, then stepped back to glare at him. "I'm not discussing Logan with you. I don't care that he's your best buddy, it's not your business. Except of course that he'll just tell you everything anyway."

"I never said it was my business."

"Then why ask?"

"Because, James! I need to know if I even have a chance here! I was sure I did, for a while I felt like I had nothing to worry about, and then I see you and Logan going at it in the pool-"

"I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to-"

"But it did. And it undoes everything we built on our date, I feel like the time I spent with you meant nothing and I'm losing you and-"

"Kendall. Look at me. The time we spend together is more special to me than you can ever know. There's so much I can't say, and to be honest I've said way more than I should have to all of you but trust me when I say there's more, a_ lot _more. You can't think that way, you can't doubt everything just because I kiss someone else. For God's sake, that was you at one point! I made out with you like that because I couldn't help myself! Why is it wrong when I do it with Logan?"

Kendall bit his lip, unable to meet James' eyes. "Because it's not me."

The fight went out of James, him pulling Kendall close again and kissing his hair. "I'm sorry. This situation sucks, Kendall. I can't say the things I want to any of you and it leaves you having to guess at everything and that's how it works, that's how it's supposed to be, but we suffer for it. All of us. Just know that no matter what happens with anyone else, my feelings for you don't change. Haven't we been through this? What does it take for you to believe it?"

"I don't know. Most of the time I'm fine. Moments like that, though...I feel like I'm driving both you and Logan away, and I don't want to lose either of you."

"If I end up with Logan, you're going to have to live with that. You know that, right? Kendall, will you look at me? I'm not saying I'm going to end up with him. But you were the one who said you could handle it. Has that changed?"

"No," Kendall sighed. "If I knew for sure you were going to choose Logan or Carlos or anyone else, for that matter, I wouldn't be like this. It's because I still have a chance that I'm fighting so hard for it. I'll do what it takes to keep you."

James smiled. "That's good to know. It's what I would expect in a future husband."

Finally Kendall's lips curved up. "I'm sorry. I've never been insecure like this. It's what you do to me."

"I think it's more the situation. If we were away from here, would you still fear losing me so much?"

"No, because you wouldn't be out kissing other guys. Right?"

"Exactly. Your lips would be the only ones I'd ever touch."

"So I just have to make it through this."

James didn't reply right away. "I can't make any promises, Kendall. But I can tell you that my feelings for you are intense and I can see a life with you."

"But that doesn't mean I'm the only one you feel that way about."

"I can't promise anything," James repeated. "Just trust that I mean what I do say and that doesn't change."

Kendall nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Can I..." Kendall lifted his lips to James, who met the kiss eagerly and in a way that assuaged Kendall's doubts. No matter what Logan or anyone else had with James, there was still magic when they kissed, Kendall sinking into it the way he always did.

"Did you know," James murmured after nibbling at Kendall's lips, "that kissing you is one of my favorite things to do?"

Blushing slightly, Kendall smiled. "I didn't know that, no."

"It's true. I think we should spend more time doing that and less arguing."

"I'm good with that plan."

"Glad to hear it." James kissed him again, and it didn't matter that Kendall hadn't been on the winning team earlier; he got five extra minutes anyway.

* * *

><p>James got the group together when he'd seen everyone, thanking them for a fun night and informing them their next stop was once again Los Angeles and that they'd be leaving early in the morning for their short flight.<p>

That didn't keep the guys from staying up once they'd returned to their room, each of them on their own bed and Logan anxious to fix things between Kendall and himself. Hands in his lap, he said, "Kendall, can we talk about this?"

Kendall sighed, but it wasn't as if he was upset. Instead he scooted off his bed and went to Logan's, hugging Logan close. "I'm sorry about earlier. I was jealous and I overreacted and I was just an idiot."

"I understand, I've had my moments too, remember?"

When Kendall laid back on Logan's bed, Logan let Kendall pull him down, needing the reassurance of being close as well.

"How was your time with James, Carlos?" Kendall asked.

"It was great. He was horny. He's got way too much willpower, though. Impossible to break."

The other two were quiet, remembering times James had lost control with them. Did that mean he hadn't ever done that with Carlos?

"How about you, Kendall?" Carlos wondered. "How was your time?"

Kendall snorted. "We argued again."

Logan sat up, surprised. "You fought with him again?"

"Yes. But we agreed that in the future we'll kiss instead."

"Sounds like something Carlos would say," Logan smirked.

"Well, it's true. Kissing is way better than arguing. That's why James and I do it so much."

"At least we don't brag about it," Kendall pointed out, pulling Logan down again. "So are we good? I don't know why my jealousy is getting out of control."

Logan relaxed against Kendall, mind on the fact that James would possibly see this moment one day and wondering if he should worry. He and Kendall weren't the only ones with a jealous streak. "It's because it's so hard to see the man you love with someone else. No matter how cool we keep saying we are with it, we can only take so much."

Kendall nodded. "And we already know you have problems with it."

"I do. I'm trying really hard to not let it get to me, to keep in mind that I have no claim on James."

Carlos shook his head. "But that's not the way to think of it, either. You can't give him half of you because you're afraid you might not get him. Then you'll leave here and think you could've done more to keep him. Just be honest with him and with yourself, tell him what you're feeling. Don't be so scared to fall in love, Logan."

Logan sighed, knowing Carlos was right. "I'm already in love. When I leave here, it's going to be a long time before I can even look at somebody else again."

Kendall agreed. "He's like no one I've ever met."

"Okay, enough depressing talk." Logan sat up. "I'm gonna go ahead and shower now, you two can fight over it in the morning."

"No need to fight," Carlos shrugged, laying down and sliding under his blankets. "Kendall will let me go first."

"What makes you so sure of that?" Kendall asked.

"Because I always get my way with you. You can't stand to see me sad."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall sat up. "You don't always get your way. I still have Joanie."

Carlos' eyes narrowed. "I'm gonna find her."

"Not when I change her hiding place every day."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't," Kendall smiled. "You love me."

"I still hate you."

Repacking his belongings, Logan came across a tiny t-shirt James had paid for in San Francisco. He lifted it from the suitcase with a smile, remembering the way James had shoved him aside and tossed his credit card on the counter, ignoring Logan's arguments that he had money and could afford it himself.

"What's that?" Carlos questioned, the Joanie debate momentarily forgotten.

"A shirt we picked up in San Francisco for Caroline. It's got fish on it, see? She'll love it."

"We? As in...you and James?"

"Well, I picked it out," Logan said to Kendall.

"So uh...how was your time with James tonight? You were in there for quite a while."

Logan folded the shirt and set it in his suitcase, keeping his back to them. "It was good."

Carlos' eyes narrowed, shifting over to meet Kendall's before straying to Logan again. "What did you do? Did you guys spend the whole time making out?"

"No, Carlos, we actually didn't even kiss. We just...talked."

"About what?" Kendall wanted to know.

"Caroline mostly. And I apologized for attacking him in the pool."

"I'm sure he didn't mind that," Kendall commented, bringing a shrug out of Logan.

"No, but we still didn't mean for it to happen. It just kind of...does." Zipping his suitcase closed, Logan picked up the sweats he'd grabbed to sleep in and headed toward the bathroom. "See you guys in the morning, if you're not still awake when I'm done."

"Goodnight," Kendall called out, still on Logan's bed. When the door was closed, he turned to Carlos. "James asked me if I want kids."

"Yeah? What did you say?"

"I told him the truth, that I don't right now, but I might someday. Do you?"

"Want kids?" Carlos considered that, quiet for a minute before saying, "You know, I've never really thought about it. I mean, with the business and the dogs and all, I'm busy enough as it is. I wouldn't even have time for kids. Did James give you the same answer he gave me about kids? That he doesn't know?"

"He didn't talk about his own feelings. Just wanted to know mine. But he maintained that he doesn't really know what he wants when I asked."

"Do you think that's true, or does he just say that so he doesn't have to answer?"

Kendall blinked, sitting up. "I never thought of that. He would do that, wouldn't he?"

Shrugging, Carlos replied, "I'm not too sure anymore what to think. I just go with the moment."

"I kind of envy you that. You just do what feels right and don't worry about the consequences."

"Most of the time, yeah. If you can do something about it, do it. If you can't, it's not worth worrying about. You never know when life's gonna surprise you, totally slap you across the face and say 'Hey, guess what? You were wrong all along.' So why worry about it?"

"Carlos," Kendall smiled, "I have never known anyone like you. Promise me that no matter what happens, I'll still have you in my life."

Carlos returned Kendall's smile, staring at him for a few seconds before hinting, "I'm cold."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. These blankets are worthless."

Kendall chuckled and moved off of Logan's bed, turning off the light before cuddling up behind Carlos and pulling him close. "Better?"

"Much."

When Logan stepped out of the bathroom, the light pouring from behind him was just bright enough for him to make out two bodies asleep in Carlos' bed. He slid into his own bed as quietly as he could, sighing as his mind replayed the moments he'd shared with James tonight and wondering if he really would get any more alone time with him.

"He was cold."

The voice startled Logan. "I'm sorry?"

"Carlos. He was cold."

Logan chuckled. "Sure he was. He's grown really attached to you, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Kendall cuddled Carlos closer. "I'm going to miss him when we have to say goodbye."

"I remind you again that one day James will see this and it might look...you know."

"I know," Kendall repeated. "But it's nothing more than two friends who adore each other. If James can't handle that, then he's not the guy for me or Carlos."

"Are you saying it wouldn't bother you? To see James cuddled up with a guy like that? Even one who's just a friend?"

"James...yes. It would probably bother me. But only because I know he's not the kind of guy to cuddle with a friend. He's not nearly as open and touchy-feely as Carlos is. And since he knows Carlos is like that, he shouldn't have a problem with it."

"Shouldn't, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't. If I was him, it would bother me."

"Yes, but you're you."

"Which means?"

"I don't know, you're just you. And James is James. And Carlos? He's..."

"What?"

"He's just...Carlos. You know?"

Logan wasn't sure he did, but he nodded anyway. "When they split us up into two rooms, I imagine you'll want to room with him?"

"I...wow. I don't know, I hadn't thought about it."

"It's okay if you do," Logan assured Kendall. "I'll understand. Carlos needs someone."

"And you don't?"

"Not the way he does. I'm used to being alone."

"So is Carlos."

"Not really, he's got the dogs."

"And you've got Caroline."

"It's different, Kendall. I'm just saying that if you choose to room with him, I'll understand. Something tells me he'd find a way to sneak into your room anyway."

Kendall laughed softly. "He's so adorable."

"That's one word for it."

They were quiet for a while, Logan almost asleep when Kendall asked, "What did you and James talk about tonight?"

"Caroline. We um...we called her."

Dead silence, and then, "James talked to her?"

"On the phone, yes."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"And uh...how was that?"

"It was nice. They talked about Disney movies and meerkats."

"What's a meerkat?"

"It's an animal. Like Timon from _The Lion King_?"

"Ah. Okay."

More silence, and then Logan asked, "What did you and James argue about?"

Kendall hesitated before saying, "My jealousy. It got out of hand tonight."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"And he liked that? The fact that you were jealous?"

"No," Kendall replied. "I don't think he liked that at all."

"Oh," Logan said again, his heart racing as he remembered James' reaction to his own jealousy.

"Well. Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight, Kendall."

They laid awake for a long time, each of them turning over the conversation in their heads and wondering what it all meant as Carlos slept peacefully in Kendall's arms.


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. My other two betas **Aranelle** and **PromiseMeTheStars** also have informed me who they think should win, and while I love how each of them are rooting for different guys, in the end it's up to James. God help him, because the poor guy is going to go through so much emotional upheaval before he's forced to make a final decision. How is he supposed to choose between these three incredible men?

* * *

><p>Their first day back in Los Angeles was uneventful for everyone except Mike, who snagged the first one-on-one date. There would be one more of those, plus a group date, and three were to be eliminated this week. That would leave only six, and while Carlos, Kendall, and Logan, were happy for Mike finally getting his moment with James, the fear of being eliminated was more intense than ever.<p>

The three were allowed to keep their original sleeping arrangements, all of them relieved because they knew that wouldn't last much longer, even if they _were_ kept for another week. They spent the day around the pool, none of them minding Ryan's presence among their group because they knew he was terrified Mike wasn't going to return, and they did what they could to distract him. It was true they didn't want to see Mike go, either, but someone had to, and the truth was if it wasn't him, it might be one of them.

The only eventful occurrence on that day was the arrival of the group date card, which was given to Jerry, Ryan, Max, Austin, and Jared. This meant either Carlos, Logan, or Kendall would be receiving the other one-on-one date, and they were pretty sure it wouldn't be Kendall. Carlos seemed a bit smug about the whole thing and finally admitted that James had hinted he would be getting a date this week, the other two unable to be angry with him.

"Don't worry, buddy," Kendall said to Logan, sliding an arm over his shoulders. "Chris said there are still two more one-on-one dates next week. He'll probably pick you for one of those."

Logan could only hope.

Mike returned late that night with both a rose and a huge grin, excited about the amazing time he'd had with James. Ryan took Mike off to their room and the three headed for bed, Logan falling asleep quickly while Carlos and Kendall stayed awake playing a game on Carlos' hand-held system. Logan's last vision was of the two of them cuddled up in Carlos' bed, Kendall shushing Carlos for being too loud when he scored something big.

The following day was more of the same, this time Mike being the one to hang out with them. Carlos did indeed receive the next date card, the clue confusing even Logan when Mike read it out loud. "Let me entertain you with the happiest place to race to the sky. Carlos."

"What the hell does that mean?" Logan asked.

Rather than his usual excitement over being named for a date, Carlos fretted, "Guys, what if I'm one of those he's taking out for a final chance with? To see if there's any reason to keep me?"

Logan shook his head. "I doubt it, Carlos. He likes you. A lot."

"Yeah, but he likes all the other guys, too, or they wouldn't still be here."

"You got this, buddy." Kendall dragged Carlos in with one arm, ruffling his hair. "Just show him a good time."

Everyone returned from the group date, Ryan bearing the rose. This meant that both Ryan and Mike were safe from elimination, which left only four others besides themselves as candidates to be sent home at the next rose ceremony. Kendall and Logan were pretty confident they'd get a rose, especially since neither would have a chance to screw things up this week since there was no opportunity to inflame James into an argument.

When Logan voiced this out loud, Carlos laughed. "Don't sell yourselves short. You've still got the cocktail party, you could say something stupid there."

Knowing better than to chuck his pillow at Carlos this time, Kendall simply shoved him down onto the bed. "Just for that, you get to cuddle with Alex P. Keaton tonight. I'm sleeping in my own bed."

"No, you're not."

"I am. If you get lonely, grab Elyse, too."

"Dude, I can't make Alex cuddle with his mom. That's just gross."

"Whatever. You should think before you speak, this was probably your last opportunity to share a bed with me. Ever."

Carlos shrugged as if it was no big deal. "I'm getting some sleep now, guys. Chris said I'll probably get an early start in the morning."

"Goodnight," they both chorused, and when Logan next glanced over Carlos was still standing there staring at them, but he looked devastated. "Carlos, what's wrong?"

Kendall frowned and was there in a flash, tilting Carlos' chin up with a finger. "What?"

"It's just...I might be gone tomorrow. What if James comes to get me like he did Kendall and we didn't even really say goodbye and then I don't come back and-"

"Hey," Kendall soothed, hugging Carlos tight. "This is hard for us, too, okay? It's not that we don't care, we're just not very good at goodbyes. It's easier to not think about it."

"But you _have_ to think about it," Carlos stated, voice thickening with tears. "We might never see each other again."

"Carlos, you know better." Logan stepped up to them, Kendall opening his arms to include Logan in the embrace. "We promise, we're gonna talk when this is all over. I already told Caroline about you, and she can't wait to show you her favorite horse at the stables we visit."

"Really?"

"Really." Logan smiled and kissed Carlos on the cheek. "It won't be right away, Kendall said they'll probably make us stay out of contact with each other until the winner is known to the public, but we're certainly not going to forget each other, are we?"

"But what if James decides he doesn't want us to be friends, after all?"

Kendall shook his head. "That's not gonna happen. He's more likely to eliminate all of us and choose someone else so that we don't lose this friendship. Trust me, Carlos, the one thing we can count on after this is all said and done is the three of us. I'm gonna be going crazy worrying about you."

"Aww. You do love me."

Kendall chuckled. "As if there was any doubt." He kissed Carlos' temple, then squeezed tighter. "And if for some weird reason James did choose me and told me he didn't want me speaking to you, it's him that would go—not you. Because I don't let my lovers dictate who I talk to and hang out with. That shit doesn't fly with me."

"So just go out there tomorrow and have fun with James," Logan instructed. "Enjoy your time with him and know that no matter what happens afterward, you have our numbers and we both swear not to change them. And don't forget, we know where to find you. Caroline loves hot dogs."

"I would've pegged her as a vegetarian," Kendall mused. "I'm surprised she eats animals."

"She hasn't made that connection yet, Kendall. Don't rush it."

They all laughed before breaking apart and sliding into their own beds, Carlos cuddling his monkey close and falling into a troubled sleep. Logan heard him tossing and turning over the next hour, and sure enough, when he awoke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, Carlos was once again sleeping peacefully in Kendall's arms.

* * *

><p>This time it was Carlos who was awakened by a flashlight to the face, James shaking him with a bright grin. "Come on, get up! We have an adventure to go on!" he whispered.<p>

Carlos was awake immediately, his own smile challenging James' in size. "Where are we going?" he squealed.

"Shh. Don't wake them up. Just get dressed and meet me out front as soon as you can."

Carlos rushed through the motions, wondering if he'd dreamed Kendall climbing into bed with him. He'd noticed Alex on the floor when he rose, which led him to believe it hadn't been a dream, but then why did Kendall go back to his own bed? Either way, he was grateful because no matter how much he said otherwise, there was a tiny part of him that feared James wouldn't understand.

James waited for him in a limo, Carlos excited as he hadn't ridden in one since the first date in the snow, which seemed like forever ago. "Do I need to wear anything special?"

"Nah, you're good. Just get in, we have a lot to do today!"

Carlos obeyed, bouncing in his seat once the car pulled away. "I'm so excited! Thank you for picking me!"

"It's not a hardship, Carlos," James chuckled. "I love spending time with you."

"That's a good thing. Where are we going?"

"You mean Logan didn't figure out the clues this time?"

"No, he was confused for once. Nice job!"

"I try," James laughed. "Okay, first stop is breakfast. My favorite burger place, open all night. Prepare to give your taste buds an orgasm."

Carlos lifted an eyebrow. "Better than my dogs?"

"Hmm. That's debatable."

Carlos declared the burgers a close second to his dogs, James agreeing after eating one. "You've ruined me. I'm going to be craving your hot dogs all the time now."

"Guess you'll just have to marry me so that I can cook them for you every day."

"Yeah, yeah. You've never been to Hollywood, right?"

"Never! Do I get to see famous people?"

"Um, excuse me. You're looking at one."

"Yeah, but you're just James. And I like you that way."

James smiled, hugging Carlos close as they walked to the limo. "I like that you don't think of me as a celebrity. I'm just a normal guy to you, aren't I?"

"I didn't say that. You're the hottest guy I've ever seen."

"That's always nice to hear. I can't promise any famous people, it's only six A.M. But we'll see what we can find."

Together they walked Hollywood Boulevard, Carlos in awe as they traversed the Walk of Fame and stopped to take pictures of famous hand prints and footprints at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

"This is so cool!" Carlos exclaimed, literally stepping into Harry Potter's shoes.

"Wait until you see this."

James took Carlos' hand and led him back to the sidewalk, dragging him along and reading the names on the stars. He finally stopped, putting his hands over Carlos' eyes. "Okay, you ready for this?"

"Yes!"

"You sure?"

"Dude, yes! What is it?"

Beaming, James lowered his hands and waited for Carlos to see it. Carlos glanced around, finding nothing of importance, then his eyes traveled down. James knew the moment Carlos spotted it; his mouth gaped wide open, his eyes threatened to bug out of his head, and rather than scream in excitement, he dropped to his knees, his voice hushed as he ran his hand over the name. "No way," he whispered.

"Way."

"Oh my god."

James grinned down at Carlos, pleased with himself. "Turn around, kneel next to it. Let me take your picture."

Carlos did, James whipping out a camera to capture Carlos kneeling over the name "Henry Winkler." When he was done, Carlos passed over his camera for a picture as well.

"You gonna be okay?" James chuckled.

"I can't believe it. The Fonz. James, this is the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me."

"Aww. Come here." James pulled Carlos up off his knees and hugged him close. "I'm glad I can make you smile."

"You do. You always do. This was a dream come true. The only thing better would be meeting him."

"I actually tried to set that up," James said softly. "But with the short notice, it didn't happen."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"James, how are you so cool?"

"It's just a matter of knowing what you like. I couldn't give you everything I wanted to today, but I tried. Speaking of which, we don't have a lot of time. Just enough to find Mrs. Cunningham and Richie, if you want."

Gaping again, Carlos stood away from James. "Are you serious?"

"Yep, they're both here somewhere. And I have a handy dandy map to their stars."

"Let's go!"

Once back in the limo, Carlos snuggled up to James. "I can't believe it! That was the coolest thing ever!"

"I'm happy you had fun. And it's only seven, we've still got the whole day ahead of us."

"What's next?"

"More fun."

Their next stop was go-karting. The place had opened up early just for the two of them, and James commented that while it wasn't Nascar, it was the best he could do at the moment. Carlos was happy enough with that, the two acting like children as they sped around each other and called out insults, much like James and Kendall had but giggling the entire time. James took two races, Carlos three, and when they once again returned to the limo, Carlos was on top of the world.

"I totally let you win that last one," James stated.

"You did not, you're such a liar! I'm just better than you. Eat it and weep, James."

"Eat it and weep? That's a new one."

"Yeah, I kind of made that up years ago. I tell my brother that all the time. What's next?"

"We're not going far. Ever been skydiving?"

Carlos' jaw dropped. "Are you fucking kidding me? We're going skydiving?"

"Again, I couldn't give you the full experience, but I did the best I could. It's indoor skydiving."

"Oh my god, that is so cool! How are you so awesome?"

"Keep in mind that every day with me wouldn't be like this, Carlos. You'd be working a lot, right?"

"Yeah," Carlos replied, pouting. "I do miss it. It's chaos, but...it's my kind of chaos. What if I win? Would you move to New York?"

"Yes."

Carlos blinked at the lack of hesitation in the response. "Seriously?"

"Yes. I'd miss L.A. but I've already decided that no matter who wins, I'm moving where they are. I have the kind of job where I can live anywhere I want. Most of you guys don't."

"And you're willing to do that? Just pick and move to live with us?"

"As long as I get to bring my horse along, absolutely."

"What about your friend? Wouldn't you miss her?"

"I would, a lot. But she can't give me what I need, and she'd understand. In fact, she'd push me out the door."

"I hope I get to meet her, James. She sounds pretty amazing."

"She is," James smiled, but gave no hints as to the likelihood of that happening.

Indoor skydiving was a blast, and afterward they strolled the Universal CityWalk for an hour, James buying Carlos a few souvenirs as well as matching hats for both of them. They stopped for lunch before James led Carlos to an unmarked building, riding the elevator to the roof level where Carlos was once again blown away—a helicopter waited for them at the top.

"I get a helicopter, too?" Bouncing in excitement, Carlos dragged James down for a kiss, James laughing through most of it.

"It's the best way to beat traffic around here."

"You did it because you knew I wanted it."

"Maybe."

It was Carlos' first helicopter ride, James simply sitting back and watching him as they flew through the air. Carlos pointed out random landmarks as they passed over, James smiling at his exuberance, and when Carlos gasped suddenly, James looked down to see a huge white mountain below.

"I know that mountain! That's the Matterhorn! James, look! Look! It's Disneyland!"

"You don't say."

"Yes! Look, there's the castle! And that big Ferris wheel, that's at the California park, right? Dude, it's got Mickey Mouse on it!"

"So it does."

When Carlos turned to look at James, spying the smirk on his face, he whispered, "You're taking me to Disneyland."

James busted up, hugging Carlos close. "Only if you want to go. We can do something else if you'd rather," he teased.

"Hell no! I've always wanted to go to Disneyland!" The helicopter lowered to the ground, Carlos frowning when they stepped out. "It looks...deserted."

"That's because it's closed. I could only get us half the day, they lose too much money otherwise, but we have the rest of the afternoon and evening at our disposal. No lines for the rides, the best seats for the parade if you want to see it, and a fireworks show just for us." When Carlos looked as if he was going to cry, James became concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, you're just...so amazing. I don't ever want this to end."

James melted, pulling Carlos close after they stepped out of the helicopter. "Stay close to me. I like having you near."

Other than running off when he saw something he couldn't help rushing toward, Carlos did keep close. They rode every ride Carlos had ever wanted to, pigged out on food, and let it settle while walking around the California park and seeing the attractions. "Can we go on the Ferris wheel?" Carlos begged.

"Of course."

Dark had fallen by that time, the two admiring the view from above. For once Carlos was quiet, content to simply enjoy the moment while snuggled up to James.

"You having fun?" James asked.

"Duh. You?"

"Absolutely. So if I asked you to stay another week, think we might make that happen?"

Carlos glanced up with a smile, James chuckling as he pulled a rose out of his pocket. "Will you accept this rose?"

Burying his face in James' chest, Carlos clung to him.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes," he whispered. "Yes."

"Why are you shaking?"

"I was so afraid I wouldn't make it back tonight."

"Carlos, haven't you figured out yet how much you mean to me? I can't go around saying it all the time, but you know, right? You get it? How special you are?"

"Not really, no. But the rose helps. So does a kiss."

"Of course," James laughed, rolling his eyes. He fastened the rose to Carlos' shirt, then kissed him softly as the Ferris wheel started to move again, lowering them to the ground. When they'd stepped out, James asked, "Is there anything else you'd really like to do while we're here?"

"Can we stay for fireworks?"

"Sure, we'll see them no matter where we are in the parks." James started walking with no specific destination in mind, Carlos' hand in his.

"Cool. I did see some carnival games when we were on the Ferris wheel, and I still need Jennifer and Mallory. Think you could win me a few more prizes?"

"I know I can," James grinned. "Who are Jennifer and Mallory?"

"Oh, from 'Family Ties.' I named the cheetah and the monkey after that show."

"Did you really?"

"Yeah. And the dog you won me is Joanie. Because she's a dog and fits in with my other clan."

"Carlos, you are like no one I've ever met."

Carlos raised an eyebrow, suspicious. "That's not an insult, is it?"

"Of course not." James hugged Carlos to him as they continued toward the midway.

"Because Kendall says that, too, and sometimes I wonder."

"Kendall adores you, I'm sure you must know that."

"He stole Joanie."

"The dog? Is that why you ran out of the room screaming in Las Vegas?"

"Yep. I can't find her, not anywhere, and it's crazy because there are only so many places she could be. He keeps moving her."

"Smart."

By the time James and Carlos reboarded the helicopter, Carlos had two new friends to keep Alex and Elyse company. Surprisingly he fell asleep on the ride back to the mansion, James' arm around him to keep him close, and only stirred when James' lips pressed against his hair while the chopper was landing.

"Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Only you could sleep during a helicopter ride."

Carlos rubbed his eyes. "Aww, you really think I'm beautiful?"

"Absolutely. Thank you for the funnest date I've had yet."

"Really? Even more fun than Nascar?"

"Yes, Carlos. Because you make everything more fun just by being there. And don't you dare go telling Kendall I said my date with you was better, because that's not what I'm saying. One of you isn't better or worse, you're just different."

"It's okay, James, I know you're not allowed to admit I'm better. I'll just pretend you did."

For the millionth time that day, James shook his head and laughed. "I do love hanging out with you, I will say that."

"So uh...this is it? No more one-on-one dates for me, right?"

"I can't promise anything, Carlos. I'm sorry."

"I know. But today was magical. One of the best days of my life, James. No matter what happens when this is over, I want to make sure you know that to me, you're the perfect guy. Today was the perfect date and I'll remember it forever." Leaning in, Carlos met James' lips with his own, James returning the kiss with a hand on Carlos' cheek. "Goodnight, James. Thank you for today."

"You're very welcome. Did you grab Jennifer and Mallory?"

"Oh! Thanks!"

"And don't forget your hat. It's in the bag with the other stuff."

"Got it! Night, James!"

"Goodnight, Carlos. I'll see you tomorrow at the party, okay? Save a dance for me."

"You know it." Carlos leaned in one more time after stepping out of the helicopter, planting another kiss on James' lips. "See you tomorrow!"

"Definitely," James grinned. "Goodnight."

* * *

><p>Carlos picked up his luggage just inside the front door and rolled it to their room, using his foot to bang on the door because his hands were full. He had no doubt Kendall and Logan would be awake even though it was late.<p>

The door was opened in three seconds by Kendall, who greeted Carlos with a huge smile and an even bigger hug. "Hey, buddy!"

"Hey! Here, take this."

Kendall accepted the proffered bags while Carlos entered and parked his luggage, Logan standing to close the door behind him. "Welcome back. Told you he wouldn't send you home."

"Nah, I guess you guys were right. I told him that I was afraid he would and he said I'm really special to him and I should have figured that out by now."

Logan smiled. "You are special. I mean that in a multitude of ways."

"Yeah, from you it's an insult."

"Only partly," Logan teased.

Kendall was going through the bags as he stood by the door. "You got more animals?"

"I did! Meet Jennifer and Mallory. Jennifer's the owl."

"I told you I'd win you some when I get a chance."

"Well, James got the chance first. Who cares who wins them for me? Except for the fact that it's James and he's _awesome._" Carlos sighed happily and crashed onto his bed, kicking off his shoes. "I had so much fun, you guys! James is freaking amazing!"

"So what all did you do?" Logan settled onto his bed, Kendall dropping the bags next to Carlos before sitting on his own bed up against the headboard and pulling the covers up to his shoulders.

"Gosh, what _didn't_ we do? Seriously, it was like the best day ever! We had breakfast at this place he loves, super yummy burgers. Then we went to Hollywood! Oh my god, you guys, look!" Carlos jumped up again and found his camera, scrolling through the pictures he'd taken until he came across his favorite. He rushed over to Logan, who squinted and then laughed.

"Henry Winkler. That's pretty cool, Carlos."

"Isn't it? Kendall, look!"

Carlos ran around his own bed to Kendall's, showing him the picture. "It's The Fonz, dude! And James said he actually tried to help me meet him! How is he so cool?"

"Wow, he was gonna do that? What happened?"

"He couldn't set it up on such short notice, but he tried. That's what matters to me, he totally knows how to make me happy and tried to do it. Dude, isn't the picture awesome?"

"Sure is, Carlos. What else did you do?" Kendall snagged the camera and started scrolling through the pictures while Carlos settled on the edge of his bed and continued his story.

"So we did the Hollywood tourist thing, and then we raced go-karts. I won, by the way. And if he tries to tell you he let me win the last race, he's full of shit. I won that fair and square."

Logan chuckled. "Whatever you say."

"And then we went to Universal Studios! Well, not the park itself, but the CityWalk. He bought me some stuff, look at my hat!" Carlos was up again, rooting through the bags and pulling out his souvenirs. "James has a matching one."

Kendall glanced over for a moment before returning his attention to camera. "You sure got a lot of pictures of the two of you together."

"Duh! We had to pose in front of all the cool stuff. Did you see the one of us with Goofy? He's my favorite character, you know."

"Of course he is," Logan smiled, but then he frowned. "Where did you meet Goofy?"

"Well, after the indoor skydiving, we-"

"Indoor what? Carlos, how did you guys have time for all this?"

"That's why he came to get me so early, Logan! So we could do it all. He said there were a lot of things he wished he could do for me but he couldn't, like actual skydiving and the Nascar thing, but we had to make do with what we had time for. So we did indoor skydiving, which is _amazing_, by the way. And then? He took me to Disneyland. Just like on our date with him, Kendall, they closed the park and it was only the two of us for half the day. And it was romantic, we rode the Ferris wheel and he gave me the rose at the top, and we saw fireworks, and he won me Jennifer and Mallory, and I don't even know how to contain all these feelings, I just love him so much! I think I might actually have a chance at winning this, guys!"

"I keep telling you, Carlos," Kendall said softly as he handed the camera over to Carlos. "You're amazing. He would be lucky to have you."

"Can you imagine our life together? We'd laugh all the time, and it would be hard with me working a lot but he's got his own thing going, right? Just like you said, Kendall, he's everything I need. Just everything. And when we did get together it would be so much fun, my boys would love him, and I can't wait for my mom to meet him, and my brother will be a jerk to him but that's how my brother is, he's just a dick sometimes, but his wife will smack him and I can't even wait! Why can't it already be over so I have him all to myself?" Carlos fell back onto Kendall's bed, a long sigh of contentment leaving him, and neither Kendall nor Logan had the heart to remind him that he might not win.

"It's late, we should get some sleep."

"Logan, how can I sleep right now? I just had the best day of my life!"

"Well, I need sleep. If you want to go kill some of that energy, there's always the pool. I bet the other guys are still out there."

"Nah, I don't want to go anywhere. I do need a shower, though. You guys need to use the bathroom first?"

Both shook their heads, and after picking out a change of clothes, Carlos disappeared into the bathroom. The sudden quiet seemed deafening once his exuberance was gone.

"Let me see those pictures," Logan said.

Kendall tossed him the camera, then picked up each souvenir in turn and looked at it. "Did he say matching hats?"

"Yeah, probably like the shirts James and I got in San Francisco. We probably all have matching something with him."

"I don't."

Glancing to his left, Logan bit his lip. "Doesn't mean you're any less special, Kendall. There's no doubt he's into you."

"I know." Kendall picked up Jennifer and Mallory, studying them but not really seeing them as his mind worked.

"What did they do, stop and take a picture every five seconds? They're so cheesy."

"Yeah." After tossing the animals and bags over to Carlos' bed, Kendall said, "Tell me something. Just between me and you, and I want an honest answer."

"Okay, go for it." Logan was still flipping through pictures, smiling occasionally.

"Would you say I have a good chance at winning? The way things stand now?"

"Yes. I mean, I can't know what all goes on between you guys, but yeah. I'd say you're a top contender."

"And what about you? Think you're up there, too?"

"Honestly? Yes. If you want the truth, the feeling I get is you and I are the favorites. Of course, we have no idea what he and Ryan have together, so maybe it's the three of us."

Kendall nodded. "Exactly. Do you really see Carlos winning?"

Logan set the camera down, speaking only after looking toward the bathroom door and hearing the shower running. "I really don't know. When those two are together, it's more like...I don't know. Two big kids."

"Right? And I don't get the feeling James is looking for a buddy. I think he needs more than than, and he knows it."

Logan frowned. "What's your point?"

"My point," Kendall answered, voice rising, "is that he's going to break Carlos' heart. You and I both know Carlos isn't going to win this thing, and James has to know that, too, but he's got Carlos all excited and in love and when he sends Carlos home, who's there to pick up the pieces? Nobody. Because we'll still be here and it's going to be torture."

"Kendall, his mom will be there for him. He's got family. He'll be okay."

"Not necessarily. You know what I heard? Ryan was telling me that we don't actually get to go home right away if we're eliminated. I think in your case that might be different, I don't know, but when we signed the contract there was that part about us willingly giving up six to eight weeks of our time, and I think they keep us here until it's over. Which means Carlos would be stuck with all the other guys who were eliminated and not have us near to watch out for him."

"That doesn't make sense. If that was the case, the other guys would all be here."

"I don't know, maybe they put them somewhere else. All I'm saying is, he'd have no one."

"Okay, there are two things I want you to remember, Kendall. Are you listening?"

Kendall sighed, sensing a lecture coming on. He laid down on his side, not wanting to hear it, but of course listening anyway. "Yes, go on."

"Okay, first. We all came into this knowing our chances of winning were slim. Even Carlos. Once he comes down from his high, he'll remember that again. Sure, right now he's excited and positive he's going to win, but once he sees James around everyone else tomorrow night at the ceremony, it'll all come crashing down."

"I know, and I hate that. It makes me want to kill James for getting his hopes up like that."

"Dude, for all we know, Carlos could still win. He's a great guy."

"I'm aware of that, Logan. Did you not hear what I said to him earlier?"

"I heard, but we can't ever assume either of us is going to be the one James chooses. I still feel pretty good about my chances, but now Mike's closer to him than before, and after the group date he knows those guys better, and of course Ryan was there, too. And got the rose. Each time there's another date, things shift. Carlos might've won him over completely today. We just don't know."

"But can you really see James making him happy?"

"Yes, I can. I think James would spend the rest of his life making Carlos happy. That's the kind of person James is. He comes off full of himself, but once you get inside his heart you find a generous, compassionate man who would do anything for the love of his life. That's rare."

"It's not as rare as you think, Logan. There are other guys out there who would do that for Carlos."

"Look, you asked me a question, and that's my answer. Yes, James would make him happy. I honestly don't know that Carlos would make James happy, but again—we don't know what he's thinking. Now, my second point is that Carlos is a grown man. He's built an entire business from the ground up, runs it well enough that it's expanded into restaurants all over the state of New York, and when he wants to, he can be a mature guy. We've seen that side of him occasionally. We haven't seen a lot of it, because he has no responsibilities here, but we know it's there and we know he's used to being alone. Of course it'll hurt if James doesn't choose him, but he won't let it ruin him. He'll bounce back pretty quick, I think. He's apparently been that way his whole life, and he's lived this many years without us holding his hand. If he gets sent home, Kendall, he'll survive. That's what you need to remember. You're always so worried about everyone else, and that's admirable, but don't let your feelings for Carlos influence your feelings for James. Remember that whoever James ends up with is hopefully the one he's meant to be with, leaving the rest of us open for the right guy when he does come along. Carlos will find the man he's meant to be with, even if it's not James."

"But he'll be devastated in the meantime, Logan. I can't handle that."

"You have to. I'm not judging you guys or anything, but I think you've let yourself get too attached to him. When you're more worried about his feelings than James', that's a problem."

Kendall rolled over onto his back with a sigh. "I didn't say I care more about him than James."

"I know, but you said you'd want to kill James for hurting Carlos. Knowing full well that everyone here will get hurt eventually, except of course the winner, that's the risk we take. Carlos has put his heart into this completely, which is scary but just how he is, and he knows he might not win. He _knows_ it, Kendall. You can't save him from that pain. And I think maybe you need to work on distancing yourself from him a little. It's only going to drive you insane once we're all separated if you keep torturing yourself with worry about him. And whatever you do, don't give James attitude for getting Carlos' hopes up. That'll just piss him off and get you sent home sooner."

The bathroom door flew open and Carlos bounded out, obviously still on his high. "You guys are still awake? I thought you were tired, Logan."

"I am, we were just talking. Going to sleep now, though. I'm glad you had so much fun today, Carlos."

"I did, it was just so incredible. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow night. We hardly kissed today, I was thinking about that in the shower. He owes me." After tossing his dirty clothes onto the floor, Carlos stretched out on his bed. "He's so amazing, guys."

Logan got up to turn off the lights, sliding into bed with his mind on the following night and the chance to see James again. Caroline had been asking about him every day since their phone call, and he wondered if James would be willing to talk to her for just a few minutes. It scared him a little, that she was already excited about someone she might never get to meet, but he knew he had to allow James in at some point if this was going to work.

"Kendall, did you cuddle with me last night?"

Carlos' question came out of nowhere, Kendall remaining silent for five seconds before replying, "No."

"Weird. Guess I dreamed it."

Logan sighed, not too sure why Kendall was lying but staying out of it. Maybe this was Kendall's way of distancing himself. "Goodnight, guys."

"Night, Logan," Carlos called out. "Night, Kendall."

"Goodnight, Carlos."

Carlos fell asleep almost immediately, but Logan heard Kendall tossing and turning deep into the night and hoped that when the sun came up, Kendall's head would be in the right place.


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I have to take a moment here to say something, because I was thinking about it today and it just needs to be said. I always thank/dedicate my betas because they are awesome and encourage me and steer me in the right direction (hopefully!) when I need it. But there is someone else who has been with me for almost two years now, who has faithfully read everything I write and always knows exactly what to say and when I need to hear it most, and there are honestly times I've felt like I need to stop writing but each time, she appears out of the woodwork as if she knows what I'm thinking and says just the right thing to keep me going. We don't talk a whole lot, but I feel extremely close to her in a way I can't describe because she understands a part of me that no one else does. I can tell her anything, and when we do talk we say so much without a lot of words. So I want to thank **jdmazz** for being amazing and for kicking my butt when it needs to be kicked, and you guys can thank her for the fact that I'm still writing (though I will admit **kathrynew30 **and** Aranelle** deserve some of that thanks, too) and if I write anything more after this story, it will be because of her encouragement. Did I mention she writes incredible Kames? Seriously. GO READ HER KAMES. She writes James in a way I can only dream of and makes him come alive on the screen. I flail when I read her stories.

Short chapter here, just wrapping up L.A., and then we move to the next location where things really start to heat up. One more week, then it's on to the hometown dates where James meets the families of the final four. GAH THIS STORY, I ACTUALLY MADE MYSELF CRY TODAY ON THE BUS. I should not write in public. Seriously. But I will, because when I work it's the only time I have to write, and WHY AM I STILL RAMBLING?

Okay, moving on.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time, and I thank both her and **Aranelle** for reading all this stuff I dump on them constantly.

* * *

><p>For once James seemed a bit subdued at the cocktail party, and Logan imagined it must be weighing heavy on him, knowing he had to say goodbye to three more contestants tonight. He was tempted to steal James away and get him talking, but each time their eyes met James would smile at him with the silent promise that he'd get his moment, and Logan had to be content with that.<p>

Kendall's apparent resolve to distance himself from Carlos had lasted all of two hours that morning, Kendall seeming to crumble after repeated comments like "Kendall, what's wrong with you? You're not yourself. Did I do something wrong?" Logan saw it when Kendall caved, unable to withstand Carlos' constant attacks of affection. He picked Carlos up off his feet and threw him into the pool, laughing as Carlos spluttered to the surface.

"What the hell was that for?"

"Because I can," Kendall grinned, toes gripping the lip of the pool as he smiled down at Carlos.

"Oh yeah? Look what I can do." Carlos jumped up out of the water and wrapped his legs around Kendall's knees, pulling Kendall down as he sank back under the surface.

Now Logan shook his head as Carlos ran past him, Kendall on his heels and wanting revenge for who knew what. Logan knew exactly what Carlos was doing, knew Kendall was a little nervous tonight about being eliminated and that Carlos was purposely keeping his mind off it, and when he looked around at the other guys and counted only four others besides himself and Kendall who were on the chopping block (as Carlos, Ryan, and Mike were safe), his own nerves creeped up. What if things had changed so much between James and the other guys that Logan now paled in comparison? Why didn't he have a buddy to distract him the way Kendall did?

Suddenly James was there, an arm sliding around Logan from behind as he stood staring out the patio door. "May I steal you for a bit?"

Relief washed over Logan both at the touch and the voice, which held so much affection and warmth. He leaned back into James' strength, eyes closed and simply enjoying the feel of James near. "Please."

Not removing his arm, James steered Logan into a small room and closed the door, gently spinning Logan to face him before their lips met, and it was as if no time had passed at all since their last kiss. They savored each touch, drawing it out as a slow burn flared in Logan's body, the familiar ache pulling him to James as always. "Missed you," Logan whispered between kisses.

James nodded, not ready to bring the moment to an end just yet as he licked his way into Logan's mouth. Logan's hands ran up James' shirt, fingers tangling in his hair, and James whined softly as he pressed closer to Logan, palms flat to the wall over Logan's shoulders. The kiss became wet fire, Logan feeling like he was about to combust, and when he slowly slid down the wall James went with him, falling to his knees and pulling Logan onto his lap so they were lined up just right.

"Oh god, James," Logan whispered, barely able to catch his breath and not caring if he ever did again. All fears of elimination were erased with each touch, every shift of James' body against his own one more promise that Logan was here to stay. "Promise me," he begged, "promise me I'll get at least one night with you, just one night to remember forever, to hold in my heart as the perfect night with the perfect man."

Rather than answer, James trailed his lips down Logan's neck, sucking lightly at spots that drove Logan even more wild, and he was almost in tears from the frustration of not being able to do anything more. James was so perfect, why did he have to be so perfect? Logan's arms slid around James' neck and held him close as the fire continued to spread, James' mouth alone bringing him to the edge of orgasm. "James, you have to stop or follow through, I can't stand this."

Then James' lips were covering his again, the kiss slow and sensual and fanning the flames so high Logan's hips moved without his command, a moan escaping into James' mouth. Rough hands slid Logan off and onto the floor, Logan silently thanking God because he'd been about to burst, but then his zipper was being lowered and he gasped when a warm hand slipped into his boxers and wrapped him in the heat he always seemed to crave so badly in James' presence. "Please," he begged again, not caring about cameras that might be watching them, not caring about rules or any kind of contest, just needing release and knowing James could quench the fire. He slipped his arms around James' shoulders, holding on tight as James' hand moved slowly in a perfect rhythm, and when he came James buried the cries with his mouth, taking in each sound and swallowing it down until it mingled with his own breaths, which meshed with Logan's until they were breathing into each other as if giving life.

Logan's head fell back against the wall as he panted, licking his lips and attempting to slow his heart rate. James' eyes had gone deep green again in that way Logan knew meant he was smoldering inside, but what he said was, "You're so beautiful."

All Logan could do was kiss him, because there were so many emotions rushing to the surface and bringing declarations of love to the tip of his tongue, but he didn't allow himself to say any of it. Instead he stifled it against James' mouth, letting his lips say what he didn't dare to out loud, and when James finally did sit back onto his heels, Logan managed, "It's you who's beautiful. On the inside as well. I don't know who's going to be lucky enough to win your heart, but I pray he realizes every day how blessed he is to have you."

After a few seconds James stood up suddenly, turning away to find a box of tissues before kneeling again to clean up what he could of the mess Logan had made. "Might need to change your pants. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not."

James grinned, laughing softly as he ran a thumb over Logan's lips. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"I know."

"I brought you in here to talk."

"Suuuuuure."

James laughed again, head thrown back before he pulled Logan into his arms for a tight hug. "I really did want to talk. Tonight's been hard on me and I knew you'd calm me down."

"I certainly managed to distract you for five minutes."

"You always do," James smiled. He stood once again and tossed the tissues into a trash can, then helped Logan up off the floor, waiting for Logan to zip up. "I actually wanted to call Caroline, but I don't think we have time now."

"It's okay. But she has been asking about you."

"Really?"

Logan grinned at the way James' face had lit up. "Yeah. I told her you'd call if you had time, but that you're very busy. She understands busy."

"I have a surprise for her."

Stunned, Logan blinked at James. "A what?"

"A surprise. I'll have to make sure you get it, in case I don't get to meet her. But don't forget to tell her it's from me, okay?"

"Of course not. What is it?"

"I told you. It's a surprise." James reached out to open the door, then hesitated, pulling Logan close enough to untuck his shirt from his pants. "There. That covers the little bit of mess I couldn't get."

"I have another pair of pants, James."

"Yes, in the hall where everyone can see you get into your suitcase. Do you really want to explain why you need a fresh pair of pants?"

"Oh. No, I'd prefer not to. Wait, are we gonna get in trouble for this?"

"For what?"

"You know...what just happened in there. Did we break any rules or anything?"

James shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about that. It's not like we had sex."

"I know, but...James, tell me something. How far we can actually go without getting in trouble?"

Smirking, James dipped his face down to nuzzle Logan's ear. "Want to find out?"

"Not right now, jeez!" Logan stepped away after smacking James' chest, his cheeks hurting from the smile that wouldn't die.

"It's not like they're gonna air that on T.V."

"They could, James. They could censor it."

"Nope, that's crossing the line into pornography. No sex on broadcast television."

"You just said it wasn't sex."

"Close enough. But if you want, we can close the door and make that happen."

"James, enough! You're such a horndog!"

"You want it, though, don't you?" James whispered suddenly into Logan's ear, leaving Logan a mass of shuddering limbs in his arms. "Want me inside you, owning you like no one ever has before?"

"James," Logan whined, hiding his face in James' neck. "Fuck."

"Exactly." Sensing that Logan was overwhelmed, James switched tactics. "You're probably going to get glared at when we walk out there."

"So worth it."

James grinned again and tilted Logan's chin up for a light kiss. "Glad you think so."

"I hope I get to return the favor sometime."

"I hope so, too," James winked, then pulled Logan out of the room.

Logan knew James well enough by then to know that was as good as a promise.

* * *

><p>"Do you think they're calling Caroline again?"<p>

Kendall shrugged, sipping at the strong drink Carlos had forced on him after commenting that Kendall was entirely too wound up. He leaned back into the loveseat, Carlos instinctively sagging against him, and replied, "Probably. If he keeps Logan around, he'll be meeting her in a few weeks. It's a good idea to get to know her a little first, I guess."

"I can't wait to meet her, dude. I bet she has Logan's eyes."

"I saw a picture of her once, or at least a flash of it. She's got blonde hair, and we know that didn't come from Logan."

"So what's going on with you tonight?"

Kendall ignored the subject change, downing more liquor.

"Kendall, come on. You've been acting weird all day. Is it because of my date last night? You didn't say a lot, and you didn't even cuddle with me. Are you afraid James loves me more now?"

"I'm just nervous. I could be sent home, you know."

"Yeah, right. You're not going anywhere. Just relax, you know James loves you. Or did you two have another fight?"

"No, I haven't even said two words to him since the party in Vegas."

"Oh, is that what it is? Don't worry, he'll talk to you tonight. Look, there he is right now with Logan. Go grab him before someone else does."

"If he wants to talk to me, he will."

"Really, dude? Since when do you sit back and let something just happen? Get over there and _make_ it happen."

Kendall shrugged again, seemingly content to do just that—sit back and let events unfold around him.

Logan made his way to them, smiling as he approached. "Hey, guys. Done running amok?"

"For the moment," Carlos replied haughtily. "Did you have a nice talk with your little girl?"

Logan flushed bright red, completely inappropriate to the question, and said, "We didn't call her. We just talked."

"Oh, really? That's why you're redder than a tomato? Because you two just...talked?"

"There might've been a kiss or two," Logan admitted. He dropped into a chair near them and said quietly, "He's got a lot on his mind tonight. I think it's hard, sending three home. Whoever he's saying goodbye to is someone he doesn't want to see go."

"Or three someones," Carlos commented. "Man, I am so glad I'm safe. I'd be freaking out right now."

"Imagine next week, when it'll only be six of us left. That's going to be hell."

Kendall's eyes narrowed. "You don't seem worried anymore. Did he say something to make you think you're not going home tonight?"

"Not exactly. I just feel reassured after spending a little time with him. It's always nice to know the feelings are still there, you know? He may not talk to you much tonight, Carlos. I think he's talking more to the people who don't have roses, making his final decisions."

"That sucks. But I'd want that if it was me. Kendall, will you lighten up? You're not going anywhere!"

Suddenly plunking down on the arm of the loveseat, James smirked and said, "Actually, I think that's up to me, Carlos."

They all looked up, Logan smiling at James and happy when James gave him a quick smile before addressing the other two. "And please don't take it as an insult, Carlos, but I won't be taking you aside tonight. You know you're safe."

"That's cool, even though I feel like you owe me kisses. We didn't do much making out yesterday."

"A travesty I will correct as soon as I get the chance, I assure you. Kendall? Can we talk for a few minutes?"

"Of course." Keeping his drink with him, Kendall followed James out onto the patio, Carlos and Logan watching them go.

"I'm worried about Kendall. He's been weird all day, like he's really scared he's leaving or something."

"Kendall's got a lot on his mind, Carlos. Give him some space to think, okay?"

"If he has a lot on his mind, he should talk to me about it. Or at least you. It doesn't do him any good to keep it bottled up inside."

"I know, but let him work through things on his own. Just keep being the supportive friend you have been. It's helped him today."

"I hope so. You don't think he's leaving tonight, do you?"

"No, but we really won't know until the moment's here. I hate these ceremonies, they make us all crazy."

"I heard Mike and Ryan talking earlier, and they were saying the same thing as me. They're really glad they have roses because they can feel it, that James is still making up his mind. It's so scary. But you think you're safe, too?"

Remembering the look in James' eyes when he'd said Logan was beautiful, Logan smiled. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. We had some good bonding time in there."

"You mean you made out a lot."

Logan smirked. "Think whatever you want, Carlos. But not everything is about sex."

"I still think you made out. You're glowing."

Logan turned away, unable to fight the smile that kept creeping up on his face.

* * *

><p>James settled onto a loveseat near the pool, patting his lap. After a moment, Kendall sat down and set his drink on a table, facing sideways with his feet on the padded bench and leaning against James.<p>

"Long time no see," James joked, hugging Kendall.

"No kidding. You had a lot of dates this week."

"I did. The group date was pretty stressful."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, everyone was jealous of Ryan even though I purposely didn't pay him extra attention. He was a good sport about it, though."

"Which is why he got the rose."

"That's one of the reasons, yes. It's also because I happen to like him a lot."

Kendall nodded. "He's a great guy. Just kind of...normal, you know?"

"Yeah. He reminds me a little of you in that way. Just a nice, normal guy who's fun to talk to."

"Is that all I am to you, James?" Kendall teased, kissing his cheek.

"Shut up, you know you're so much more. I can barely keep my hands off you."

"As opposed to Carlos, who you hardly kissed at all."

"Of course he told you that."

"James, he just said that in the house. Like two minutes ago."

"Oh."

Kendall decided not to mention the fact that Carlos had also told them that the night before. "But he came back gushing about you and how amazing you are, so I think you impressed him anyway."

James chuckled. "We did have a lot of fun. He's such a joy to entertain, you know? He gets so excited over everything, makes you feel like a king just for doing something simple like walking him down Hollywood Boulevard. I laugh so much when I'm with him."

"Same here. He makes me feel like a hero most of the time."

"Kendall, why do we always end up talking about everyone else when we get together, instead of about each other?"

Biting his lip, Kendall looked over out over the pool rather than at James. "I don't know. Maybe I care too much about everyone else and not enough about my own happiness."

"That's my point. I think we need to work on that. You deserve to be happy too, you know?"

"I know I do. But my happiness is in seeing my loved ones happy. If that's a fault, sue me."

"I didn't say it was a fault, Kendall. I just think you need to allow yourself to experience things without constantly worrying about how it affects everyone else. If I kissed you right now, you'd feel bad for hurting the other contestants who might see, wouldn't you?"

Kendall shrugged. "Not all of them."

"But enough. What happened to the Kendall who sat in this very spot and made out with me the second week, who didn't even think about anyone else when I kissed him? Is he still in there somewhere?"

"Yes, James, of course."

"Prove it."

"Everyone's stressed out enough as it is, they don't need to see it."

"It shouldn't matter. What should matter to you is what you want, and more importantly, what I want. And what I want right now is to kiss you, to feel that passion I fell in love with the first night we kissed. Show me it's still there, Kendall."

"Of course it's still here."

"Shut up and show me."

"Jesus, fine!" Kendall kissed him then, hard, the anger and frustration he'd been bottling up coming out in a tidal wave of lust that had him practically ripping James' hair out as he bent James' head to his will. James made no move to stop him, opening his mouth to receive the assault and giving it right back, not satisfied until Kendall was gasping for breath and shaking with need.

James smiled as he gently pushed Kendall back. "That's what I'm talking about. I knew you were still in there somewhere."

"I kiss you like that plenty when we're alone."

"But I like the side of you that loses yourself no matter where you are. I want you to be able to let go, to just focus on me. Stop worrying about saving everyone and focus on saving yourself."

Kendall sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Jesus Christ, James. After a kiss like that, I'd damn well better get an overnight date with you."

James only smirked, standing and setting Kendall on his feet. "I've got a few more people to talk to, and then it's time for the ceremony. Just remember what I said, okay? Make it all about me."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall laughed nevertheless. "_There's_ the side of James Diamond I knew before I came here."

"Never said I was perfect." With a wink, James headed back to the house, leaving Kendall to feel the hostility now aimed at him from the few who had witnessed them going at it.

_Thanks a lot, James._

* * *

><p>This time there was no hand-holding, not even between Logan and Kendall, who stood next to each other. With Ryan, Carlos, and Mike all off to the side, that left only six of them standing in a semi-circle on the steps to receive their fate. The pile of roses was tiny this time, and as James entered the room they were all thinking about how their numbers had dwindled—and would do so even more in a few brief minutes.<p>

James smiled at each one in turn, though it was a hesitant smile. "Guys, this is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The longer this goes on, the more I get to know you, and the more it kills me to say goodbye. I'm sorry I can't keep all of you, I think there's a part of me that would if I could, but that wouldn't be fair to any of you. Let me say that I've enjoyed meeting each and every one of you, and I know that when you leave here, you'll make someone else very happy. It isn't that you're not the right kind of person, you're just not the right kind of person for _me_. And that's what I have to focus on, who is the person that will fit into what I want and what I need in a husband. But I love all of you dearly, and I'll miss those of you I'm saying goodbye to."

After taking a deep breath, James picked up the first of only three roses. "Logan."

Not at all surprised but flooded with relief anyway, Logan stepped forward to stand before James.

"Hi again," James whispered.

"Hello," Logan smiled.

"May I?"

"Of course."

His lips wouldn't relax as James fastened the rose, the smile fixed in place because he couldn't take his eyes off James. "Thank you," he said when it was done, fighting the urge to take James down to the ground and kiss him senseless and instead moving back into place among the other men.

James took a moment to compose himself, then picked up the second rose. He looked at each man in turn, finally saying, "Jerry."

Jerry grinned hugely, shuffling up to James, who smiled as he attached the rose to Jerry's lapel.

Now Logan was terrified. There was one rose left, and four guys who remained. Surely Kendall hadn't screwed up again with James, had he? There hadn't been much time to ask, Carlos had pounced on Kendall when he'd returned from his talk with James. Glancing over at Carlos, Logan saw that he too was petrified with fear, though in Carlos' eyes it was more panic. They'd discussed what Kendall would do if Carlos was eliminated, but it had never really occurred to them that the opposite might happen instead—what would Carlos do without Kendall? Was this why James was so preoccupied tonight, because he knew he'd be breaking up the trio of best buddies?

The silence wreaked havoc on all of them, James seeming to be struggling with the last rose, and Logan reached out a hand for Kendall's. Kendall felt like a block of wood next to him, unmoving, but at the touch he clawed at Logan's hand, gripping it tight, and Logan at least knew he wasn't resigned. The movement caught James' eye, a brow lifting, and Logan wanted to kick himself—but he didn't let go.

"Kendall."

Even Ryan and Mike let out huge sighs of relief when the word was spoken, and it was proof to Logan how much they had come to appreciate him as well. Kendall didn't move right away, in shock, and when he did Logan dropped his hand.

"Kendall, will you accept this rose?"

"Yes."

James fastened it, reaching out to stop Kendall when he moved away. He pulled Kendall close and kissed him, Kendall allowing it because he knew James was testing him. When James stepped back, Kendall spun on his heel and returned to the line, ignoring the glares from those who hadn't been chosen.

Chris appeared to instruct everyone to say their goodbyes, and after hugs all around Jared, Austin, and Max said goodbye to James as well, him making sure to hug each one tight and thank them for the pleasure of knowing them.

The mood lifted once they were gone, Chris calling the small group to order. "Congratulations, all of you. Next week you can prepare for two one-on-one dates—the group dates are done for the season-and two of you will go home at the end, leaving the final four who will of course bring James home to meet your families. The pressure intensifies at this point, so keep your heads and remember why you're here, but above all, get ready to have fun because we're finally heading out of the U.S."

Everyone cheered, Logan asking hopefully, "Are we going to Australia?"

"Enough with your Australia already!" James laughed, hugging him in with one arm. "I told you, it's not happening!"

"A guy can still dream. And so can an adorable little girl. If she was here, she'd turn her puppy dog eyes on you and then you'd be in trouble."

James grinned, Logan seeing in his eyes how badly James wanted to kiss him, and he hoped that one day James would no longer have to hold back.

"We're going to Rio," Chris informed them, and the room exploded with excitement.

"Oh, did we finally find a place Kendall hasn't been to?" Carlos joked, an arm around Kendall's waist.

"Yes, Carlos. We finally did." The fear no longer tearing apart his features, Kendall grinned and slid an arm over Carlos' shoulders.

"Next week will be a new adventure for all of us."


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Okay, the final six! We're in Rio now, and I'm counting on **BrRusherGirl** to let me know if I've failed horribly when describing the city. I researched a bit, but we all know that's not as good as living there. Hoping it's believable when you read it!

So much angst now, this story is getting to that point where they all want to pull their hair out. It happens on the show, too, when they dwindle down to the final numbers and the competition gets fierce. What makes this even harder for our boys is that they've developed such a close friendship and they're struggling to hold on to that while all fighting for the same man. And they know this is their last "week" together before being split up for good, outside of the rose ceremonies. So much angst! It's ripping my heart out when I write this story.

I may have mentioned this before, but as far as the production of the show and the filming and whatnot, I'm sure there's more involved than what I mention in this story. The thing is, I really don't know how that all works, so I'm guessing a lot, but some of it is simply because it works better for the story. Most likely they have more than one cameraman along for the dates, but in this story we're going with one (usually Rich haha) and the idea that the producers/staff/whatever review the material at a later point in time, say the next day. For the final week, though, when the proposal takes place, there will be production staff present because I need it that way for my plot. :P Just go with it.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Upon being shown to their hotel rooms in Rio de Janeiro, the group discovered that the time had finally come—there were only two to a room. Ryan and Jerry were put in one room, Carlos and Mike another, and Logan and Kendall the third. Standing in the hallway outside the rooms, Carlos threw a panicked glance Kendall's way and Logan opened his mouth to offer a trade with him, but before he could get the words out Kendall shook his head minutely. For whatever reason, Kendall didn't want to room with Carlos, and Logan knew it was probably for the best anyway—if it was ever going to work between Kendall and James, Carlos needed to be less of a concern to Kendall.<p>

As they arrived in the city mid-afternoon, there were no activities planned for the first day. Everyone was hot and tired, anxious to get a shower and simply relax, and since there were so few of them they were allowed a bit more freedom and informed that after meeting up for dinner in one of the hotel's restaurants they would be allowed to see a bit of the city if they wanted to. No one turned that invitation down, though they all wished James could've joined them.

Kendall got his shower first, and when Logan emerged from his own it was to see Kendall pulling on his shoes while sitting on his bed.

"You okay?" Logan asked. "You've been restless ever since leaving L.A."

"No, I'm really not. I screwed up with James and I need to fix it."

"Did you two fight again? I really thought he was going to send you home at the ceremony."

"I think he almost did. Made me realize just how far I've fallen in his eyes. We didn't fight, but I've handled things badly and if I have any hope of surviving this week, I need to fix it now."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I talked to Chris while you were in the shower. He's taking me to see James in a few minutes."

Logan sat down hard on the bed. "What for?"

"Just to talk for a few minutes. I'm not going to get another date out of him and I need to make sure we're okay before the next rose ceremony. I don't want to take a chance of losing him when I'm so close. I love him, Logan. I really do."

"I know you do. And I'm pretty sure he has intense feelings for you, too."

"I know he _did_. I let myself lose focus for a while, and I can't do that anymore."

"Is that why you didn't want to share a room with Carlos?"

"Carlos and I are fine. But you're right, I've gotten too attached to him and I need to worry about James, not Carlos."

"That doesn't mean you and Carlos can't be friends, Kendall."

"Of course it doesn't. We'll always be friends. And right now things feel weird between me and Carlos, and it's because things are weird between me and James. So I'm going to fix that, and then things will go back to normal."

Logan nodded, a knock on the door distracting them.

"That'll be Chris. Wish me luck?"

Logan hugged him tight. "Good luck, buddy. You've got this."

Kendall grinned through his nerves. "Thanks."

As Chris led Kendall down the hall to James' room, he said, "James isn't expecting you. Just so you know."

"You didn't tell him?"

"Of course not, there's more drama if he's surprised. That's how the producers work, anything to ratchet up the drama."

"Does it ever bother you, Chris? The way they care more about ratings than the people involved?"

"Usually it's not too bad. I try to be here for those, like you, who need help occasionally."

"I really thought I was going home last week."

Chris smiled. "You know, I can usually read the Bachelors pretty well. I can't always predict what they're going to do, but they talk to me here and there because they don't have anyone else to talk to. James...doesn't open up much. He's very good at masking his feelings when he needs to, though I get the feeling some of you break through that wall once in a while."

"Yeah, he's opened up to me a few times. I think Logan, too."

Stopping before a door, Chris squeezed Kendall's elbow. "Good luck. Don't forget Rich is here, so let him in the door before you close it."

"I'd appreciate that," Rich stated.

Both Kendall and Chris laughed, Kendall taking a deep breath before knocking on the door. He couldn't remember ever being this nervous to simply speak to someone.

When James opened the door he was once again breathtaking, fresh from a shower and face glowing while his hair dripped onto bare shoulders. Barefoot and in cut-off jeans, James Diamond was beautiful. His eyes widened and he stepped back in surprise. "Oh shit. There's only one reason you could be here. Don't, Kendall. Don't do this."

"I'm just here to talk." He entered the room with Chris when James moved aside, Rich following them in. "I need to talk to you and I know I won't get another chance before the next rose ceremony. I don't want to wait, I want to clear this up right now."

James lowered himself to a couch, taking Kendall's hand and pulling him down. "You're not just up and leaving, right?"

"No. My goal here is to prevent that."

"Okay, good." James nodded, obviously a bit shaken. "What's going on?"

Chris had moved away to give them a bit of privacy, though the fact that there was a camera on them of course negated that anyway. Still, Kendall had come to ignore the cameras for the most part now, so when he opened his mouth it was as if he and James were alone. "I felt like you were considering sending me home at the last ceremony. It scared me. A lot."

Biting his lip, James blinked and looked away.

"You were, weren't you?"

"I'm not allowed to discuss my decisions."

"But you were, I could feel the hesitation. And it made me realize how badly I screwed up with you. I spent that entire night thinking back over my time with you—our first date at the observatory, our time in Arizona, the talk we had on the Ferris wheel, Vegas...I realized how much has changed since the beginning, and—can you maybe put a shirt on? Your body is extremely distracting."

Surprised into a laugh, James stood and went into another room, giving Kendall a second to breathe. At least James didn't seem nonchalant about all this, he seemed instead to genuinely want Kendall to stay. That gave Kendall hope.

Once he'd returned with a t-shirt on, James smirked. "Better, horndog?"

"Shut up, you know you've got a killer body. Nothing is sexier than a gorgeous man fresh out of the shower."

"Not even a gorgeous man naked in bed with you?"

"Stop, this is serious!" Kendall laughed, belying his own words. "I'm really scared I messed up with you."

"Kendall," James sighed. "Just because I can't always express myself, it doesn't mean I don't care or that my feelings for you have changed."

"I know. But they have, because you can't tell me I imagined your hesitation to give me a rose."

"It's not because I want you to leave."

"It doesn't matter why. I mean, it does, but the bottom line is if we even came that close to it, there's something wrong. And I know what it is, I know my focus hasn't been where it should be. You were right, I need to think of my own future more and worry about everyone else less. It's just not in my nature to do that, and the three of us formed a tight bond so quickly because we were thrown together and in constant contact, but that shouldn't make their feelings more important than yours. I'm sorry. I let myself get distracted but I told you once that I'd fight for you, and I am. That's why I'm here now, because I'm not ready to give up or let you go, and I think we have a chance for something amazing together. I know it's late in the game, but can we start fresh?"

Appearing to think that over, James took his time answering. "No."

"No?" Kendall's heart sank.

"I don't want to start over, we've shared too much. We can move on from this, but we're not forgetting everything that's already happened. I've had too many great moments with you to just sweep them all under the rug as if they never existed."

Kendall melted, and when he wrapped a hand around James' neck to pull him close for a kiss, he was relieved that James met the advance, their lips touching briefly. "I'm sorry," Kendall whispered. "You're what I've always wanted. I lost sight of that."

"Don't do it again," James said softly. "I need a man who's going to make me his world. Because that's what I have to offer, but I expect the same in return."

Swallowing hard, Kendall nodded. "I understand."

"I don't expect you to change for me, Kendall. I told you that once. If what you need isn't what I have to offer, now's the time to decide that."

"It is. It always has been."

"Okay. Then we're good."

Kendall stood. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_. I was concerned, but I'm glad you're still here."

"So am I."

James rose for another kiss, this one longer and more intense, Kendall giving himself to it. When James stepped back he was smiling. "One of my favorite things," he whispered.

Kendall grinned. "Then let's make sure you get plenty more of that."

"I'll do what I can."

Stepping out into the hallway, Kendall felt a huge weight off his shoulders. Finally his head was on straight again, and James was his focus—as it should be.

* * *

><p>Carlos noticed the difference in him within ten minutes. The six remaining contestants met up for dinner, Carlos ecstatic to have Logan and Kendall in his midst again, and after he'd been seated between them at the table he leaned closer to Kendall. "You're happy again."<p>

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You haven't been. You were stressed and worried and dude, I really thought James was gonna send you home. Did you two fight again?"

Rolling his eyes, Kendall said, "Why does everyone assume we fought?"

"Because James used to be so into you," Logan replied. "For him to almost send you home was shocking. What else could've caused that except a fight?"

"We didn't fight. We had a discussion at the party and came to an understanding, but I didn't realize how bad things were until the ceremony. But we're fine now."

"Good," Carlos smiled. "I wasn't ready for you to go home anyway."

"That's just because I still have Joanie," Kendall smirked.

"I need her back, especially now that we're not sharing a room."

"Don't worry, I'll give her back before we leave here."

"Just do it before the next ceremony, in case one of us gets kicked off."

"It's going to be so weird being away from you guys," Logan mused. "Even if we come back after the hometown dates, that's still a week or so away. After being shut in together 24/7 for the past month and more, not having you two there is going to feel strange."

"I feel the same way," Ryan commented, having overheard that part of the conversation. "It's weird enough not rooming with Mike."

"Totally," Mike agreed. "Not that I don't love you, Carlos."

"Dude, I get it. I miss Logan and Kendall like crazy already."

After dinner Chris whipped out the first date card, chuckling as every eye was glued to it. "So here's how Rio works. The card is for the first date, which will be tomorrow. The second will arrive tomorrow night, and that date will occur the following day. Those of you not on that second date will get a night out together. It's not a date, James won't be there, but we're aware you'll all be going stir crazy by that point."

"That's always the case," Jerry commented. "Why is Rio any different?"

"Because there are less of you, and none of you are the types to get into trouble. We're trusting you to go out and have a good time, but to not do anything stupid. You will be chaperoned, of course."

"Of course," Mike echoed.

Carlos let out a frustrated noise. "Come on, just read the card, dude!"

"You're not getting another date," Kendall pointed out.

"You don't know that. We didn't think you were, either, and look what happened."

"I swear to God," Jerry bit out, "if Kendall gets another date, I will hurt someone."

"No need for that," Chris soothed, patting Jerry's shoulder. "Who wants to read it?"

"Me!" Carlos yelled.

"Let's let Jerry read it," Kendall smirked. "Since he's so ready to hurt me."

"Thank you, I think I will." Jerry opened it, but rather than read it out loud he skimmed it quickly before letting out a whoop of joy. "Ha! It's about fucking time!"

"Aww man," Carlos pouted. "I was really hoping."

"That's okay, buddy," Kendall consoled, "you can hang out with me and Logan instead. We'll find some way to keep you entertained."

"Don't expect much, Carlos. We're hotel-bound."

"So what, Logan? I always have fun with you guys." Carlos laid his arms over their shoulders, hugging them close, and Logan and Kendall treasured it, not wanting to waste the precious time they all had left together.

* * *

><p>The small group was able to spend the evening touring the area around their hotel, getting a taste of the Rio nightlife. There were street performers, random live music spread over the blocks, and plenty of shopping. Carlos went a little crazy, Logan finally having to remind him he only had so much room in his suitcase. To solve that problem, Carlos bought another suitcase.<p>

"That'll teach you to open your mouth," Kendall teased.

Logan sighed. "I thought I was helping."

They passed a nightclub and Carlos begged to go in, but their chaperone killed the idea quickly, stating there wasn't enough time.

"But I'm dying to go dancing! Why won't anybody take me dancing?"

"You danced plenty with James in Vegas," Kendall pointed out.

"That was nothing. I want the real thing, out on a dance floor with bodies moving everywhere, letting the music take me over. It's so amazing, Kendall, and it's been forever since I went. You've probably never been to a club, have you?"

"Not a dance club, no. I've been to bars before, though. Plenty."

"Not even the same. Logan, tell him."

"Me? I've never been to one myself. We're not big on dancing, Carlos."

"You guys suck. I bet Ryan and Mike would go with me."

"Have a blast," Kendall invited. "Trust me, we won't be jealous."

Once back at the hotel they all stayed up late with the exception of Jerry, who had an early wake-up call for his date. They hung out in the main suite and talked about how nice it would be to go home the following week, even if just for a few days. Ryan lamented the fact that he couldn't contact work while he was there, and Logan frowned.

"I hadn't thought of that. They can't know we're home, can they?"

"Nope. Chris already warned me about that. I wanted to check in and make sure things are running smoothly, but he said we're not allowed to."

"What do you do, Ryan?" Kendall questioned curiously. "We've never asked."

"I'm a magazine editor. Spend so much time working that I never date."

"And where do you live?"

"Boston. Before you say it, I'm not from there, which is why I don't have the accent. I'm originally from Los Angeles."

"Really?" Logan mused. "Grew up there?"

"Yeah. Turns out James and I grew up in the same neighborhood and never even knew each other. We went to rival high schools. Probably played each other a few times in sports. Crazy, isn't it?"

"Dude, what are the odds?" Carlos goggled.

Logan met Kendall's eyes, the two coming to the same realization. Ryan and James clicked immediately for that reason, because they shared the exact same background, or at least the same memories of childhood. It was no wonder James felt so comfortable with Ryan, probably as if they'd known each other forever.

"It was funny, when I told James where I grew up he got so excited, started naming all these places I used to hang out. We can talk for hours about that stuff."

"You're so lucky to share that with him." Carlos sighed, leaning into Kendall on the loveseat. Kendall's hand automatically came up to smooth over Carlos' hair, his cheek resting against Carlos' head.

"I think it's time for bed." Mike stood up and stretched, the others joining him and shuffling off to their rooms.

Carlos hugged both Logan and Kendall, Mike doing the same to Ryan, and they said their goodnights, Carlos tackling Kendall for one more hug before Mike dragged him off to bed.

"This is hard for him," Logan commented once the door was closed. "He's going crazy without you."

"I know. But it's better this way, I'm not always worried about him."

"Yes, you are. You can't help it."

Kendall shrugged, shedding his clothing. "Still, my focus is now where it needs to be."

"So things went well with James?"

"Very. We're on the same page again, and when I first showed up he thought it was because I was leaving. The panic in his eyes...it told me a lot. I still think he was about to send me home, but he never actually wanted to."

"He's falling for you, Kendall. Anyone can see that."

"And for you, too. But you know what? I'm not so jealous anymore. Today reassured me a lot, I know he has feelings for me. Strong feelings. And what it'll come down to is the life he wants. Either it's what I can give him, or what you can give him."

"Or reliving the past that Ryan can give him."

"Dude, I know!" Kendall flopped down onto his bed. "It all makes sense now!"

"Completely. That's why they just can sit there and talk, because they have so much to talk about. That's not enough to build a life together on, though. I hope James realizes that."

"I hope so, too."

After changing, Logan turned off the light and climbed into bed. "I miss Carlos."

Kendall chuckled. "You and me both. I got used to sharing a bed with someone again, even if it was only a couple of nights."

"Why did you lie to him about cuddling in L.A.?"

"What do you mean?"

"I woke up and saw you in his bed. But when he asked, you denied it."

Sighing, Kendall rolled onto his side to face Logan in the dark. "I'm not sure why I lied. I guess because he was so high on James, I just didn't want to draw him away from that. He was having trouble sleeping, I could hear him for an hour so I finally climbed into bed with him. I remember him looking up at me and smiling, and in two minutes he was snoring. But you're right, I won't always be there to do that. Someone else will, possibly James, and it's best we get used to that now."

"Why did you go back to your own bed?"

"Because I realized James might show up for him like he did with me. Damn good thing I thought of that."

"Yeah, I don't think James would've taken too kindly to seeing you two snuggled up together in bed."

"Doesn't matter. It's not going to happen again, and if months from now we're sitting together watching that on T.V., I'll tell him exactly why I did it."

"They won't show that, it was in the dark."

"Still."

Logan pursed his lips. "So, this is it. After Rio, we're pretty much isolated."

"If we make it back after the hometown dates."

"I think we will. James is dying to sleep with both of us. And don't even try to deny it, I know that's true."

"I wasn't going to, he can barely keeps his hands off either one of us. But it's about more than that, Logan. He has to see if he fits into our lives. Carlos told me James said he's willing to move wherever the winner lives. So he'll be going there with the knowledge he might live there one day, and if he can't see himself fitting into your life..."

Logan fretted, biting his lip. "I know. It could all fall apart once he meets Caroline and realizes what a huge responsibility she is. It doesn't matter how much he loves me, he's got to be willing to love her that much, too. So much that he'll take on being a parent. I honestly think he's going to be scared away."

"Logan, don't think that way. You don't know that, he already loves her, right?"

"One phone call is not enough to judge whether or not he'll want to raise her. He has no idea what he's getting into."

"So show him. Take him home and show him what daily life is like for you. Either he'll want it or he won't."

"That's the problem. If he doesn't want it, I'm going to be devastated."

"No, you're not. You're already preparing yourself for it, I can tell."

"I just...fuck, Kendall. I never knew I could feel like this, so much and so intensely. Jane was incredible, but she never made me feel the things James does. All he has to do is look at me and I want him."

Kendall grinned. "I know that feeling."

"It's like...he's in the room and that's all I can think about, getting near him. I crave his touch, even just a hand on my arm. Just having him there next to me, that's enough, it's insane. I'm way too attached to him."

"But you also know it might not happen, so you're holding back."

"Except when he touches me. I can't hold back then. I've tried. I just want one night with him, want him to teach me everything, show me what I'm missing. Just one night, Kendall. That would be enough to last me a lifetime."

"So if it doesn't work out with James, you're never dating again?"

"No, I'm sure I will someday, but I don't think I'd ever forget him. He's the perfect man. How do you forget someone like that?"

"He's not perfect, Logan. He has his faults just like everyone else."

"I'm aware of that, but he's the perfect man for _me_."

"But is he the perfect father for Caroline?"

That was the million dollar question, and as they both fell silent, Logan turned over that idea in his mind. What would James be like as a father?

* * *

><p>The next date card arrived the following afternoon, Chris delivering it himself down in the pool area where the five were enjoying the sun even though it was humid enough to make it sticky. Carlos and Kendall hopped out of the water and rushed over to where Logan, Ryan, and Mike were sunning themselves, and Ryan opened the envelope with shaking fingers. This would be the last date before the final four, the last chance for someone to cement their place in James' heart.<p>

Logan prayed James would give him that opportunity, though he still felt confident he would at least make it to the next round. Still, the chance to spend more time alone with James before that reality set in was a welcome one.

Ryan's brow furrowed when he saw the card. "Logan."

For the first time even Kendall and Carlos were disappointed that one of their own got a date, though they knew it was fair. Carlos patted Logan's back anyway. "Good job, buddy. You deserve it."

Butterflies in his stomach at the prospect of another entire day with James, Logan asked, "What else does the card say?"

"Nothing." Ryan turned it over, frowning. "Just that. Logan."

Logan reached out for the card, turning it over himself a few times. "What the hell does that mean?"

Kendall cracked up. "It pisses him off that you can figure out the clues. He told me once he likes to stump you. That's genius, Logan. He didn't even _give_ you a clue. He's probably laughing his ass off right now, imagining you getting pissy over it."

"That asshole." Logan smiled, though, at the idea that James knew him so well.

Dinner was once again a group affair, the five getting out of the hotel for a few hours with Chris, and when they passed the nightclub Carlos called out, "Hey, Chris! Can we go dancing tomorrow while Logan's on his date? You said we could get out for a while."

"That would be fun," Mike agreed.

"I'll see what I can do," was the answer.

"Woo! We get to go dancing! Kendall, I'm gonna turn you into a dancing fool by the time we're done."

"Yeah, have fun trying. I'll hang out at the hotel."

"Bullshit. You're coming with us."

"Not if we're dancing."

"What, you'd leave me all alone with Ryan and Mike? I'd be the fifth wheel, dude! Not cool."

"Jerry will be there, you can dance with him."

"He definitely knows how to dance," Logan nodded, remembering the way he'd been grinding on James in Vegas.

"Kendall, come on! It's our last night together! You're seriously gonna spend it alone in a hotel room when you could be hanging out with me?"

"Yep."

"You suck."

Kendall suddenly smirked over at Carlos, dragging him close to whisper, "And I do it well, remember?"

Having forgotten about that conversation, which now seemed like years ago, it took Carlos a moment, but when he got it, he laughed. "Quit bragging. Some of us don't get much of that."

Continuing the walk back to the hotel but dropping to the rear of the group, Kendall said, "I haven't in ages myself, Carlos. Don't feel bad."

"Man, I sure hope I get a sleepover date with James. I'm so horny, this is torture. Even if I don't, I've decided to find someone when I get back home. Anyone will do at this rate, just to get it out of my system."

"So if James doesn't pick you, you're gonna be okay, right?"

"Yeah, eventually. It'll hurt at first. A lot. He is the perfect guy, you know."

"Logan said the same thing. What makes him so perfect?"

Carlos stopped walking. "You don't think he's perfect?"

"I think he's amazing, I wasn't arguing the point. I'm curious what makes a perfect guy in your eyes." He got Carlos moving again, arms around each others' waists as they walked along.

"I don't know, he just...he makes me happy. He knows me well and accepts me the way I am, he's gorgeous, I always have fun with him, and he makes sure I'm happy. What more could I want?"

"Nothing, really. James pretty much has it all."

"Exactly. It's gonna be hard to find anyone as awesome as him if I don't end up winning. He's ruined me."

"You'll be fine, Carlos. Even if you don't find someone to replace him, you've got me and Logan."

"Yeah, but one of you would probably have James then."

"And the other wouldn't. Either way, we're not leaving you alone. You can go back to work and your dogs, and when I can visit, I will. Promise."

"Yeah?"

"Swear."

With a grin Carlos lifted up to kiss Kendall on the cheek. "You know, you're pretty amazing yourself. Don't ever forget that."

Kendall smiled down at Carlos, dropping a kiss on his hair. "I think we're all pretty amazing."

"Totally."

When they got back to the hotel, Logan went straight to bed after hugging each of them and saying goodnight. Five minutes later Carlos was banging on his door.

"Dude! Open up!"

Logan did, eyes wide with concern. "What's wrong? Is Kendall okay?"

"Logan, Jerry's gone!"

"Still on the date, you mean?"

"No! His luggage was gone so we assumed it was back in the room, but Ryan went in there and Jerry's gone! He didn't come back from the date!"

Kendall was there then, pushing Carlos into the room and closing the door. "It's true. I just talked to Chris, James sent him home."

"Holy shit." Logan sat on his bed, numb. "Just like that. He'll eliminate you if you screw up."

"No," Carlos argued, "because you guys have both screwed up. You fight with him and he still doesn't send you home. If he doesn't see a future with you, he figures it's a waste of time to keep you here any longer."

Nodding, Kendall said, "Exactly. Kevin and Dave were exceptions to that, he sent them home because they screwed up and pissed him off. The rest, though, I think it's more he knows it's not going to work. We're all supposed to get back together for a ceremony after the hometown dates but I bet one of us won't return. He'll probably just tell you right then and there it's not going to work and spare you the humiliation of going through the ceremony."

"Unless he's still making up his mind." Slipping under the covers, Logan said, "If that's the case, he'll get us all together and decide at the last minute."

"Oh my god, we're dropping like flies!" Carlos exclaimed suddenly, eyes fearful as he stared at Kendall and Logan. Despite what he'd said to Kendall earlier, the idea of being eliminated scared him.

"Hey, calm down." Just like that, Carlos was wrapped up in Kendall's long arms from behind, Carlos spinning to cling to him. "It's gotta happen at some point. And you said you'd be fine, you know you will be."

"I know, but...Kendall, I don't want to lose him! He's too amazing!"

"Shh. Come here." Kendall pulled Carlos down onto his bed, Carlos snuggling in tight. "Relax. I'm right here."

Amazingly, Carlos did, Kendall petting his hair and rubbing his back. "I hate this," Carlos finally admitted, tears falling slowly though he was calmer. "I hate being away from you guys and I hate that I might lose James and I hate this stupid show for doing this to us. Why did I have to fall in love?"

Carlos in tears was almost enough to bring them out in Logan, who finally gave in and climbed into bed with the other two. Kendall scooted back, not releasing his hold on Carlos, and the bed was big enough that they fit, though snugly. Logan laid on his side and slid an arm over Carlos, letting his hand rest on Kendall's waist, and with a silent look Kendall communicated that Carlos wasn't leaving his side for the rest of the night.

Logan nodded, kissing the back of Carlos' head as well. He'd bet good money that Ryan wasn't alone in his room tonight, either.

"I love you guys," Carlos whispered.

Neither spoke, but they showed him through reassuring touches that their feelings were mutual.


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Yes, I'm already updating again. There's really only one thing I need to say about this chapter, and that's...I'm sorry. Since I know you're all gonna scream at me for ending it where I did, let me tell you now that I most likely will not be updating again until Friday. It's possible I'll do it tomorrow night after work, but it would be pretty late. I have my reasons for ending it where I did, and that's because there's so much more to cover in the next section that I don't want to overwhelm everyone with too much at once. Just don't hate me for this one, okay? I LOVE YOU GUYS.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Having been told to be prepared at seven A.M., Logan was up at six. He showered, packed, and woke up the other two to say goodbye. Carlos clung to him, sleepy-eyed but his grip no less desperate for it, and Logan promised that no matter what happened, they'd see each other again. Kendall also sat up for a hug, Logan whispering for him to look after Carlos. Kendall only nodded before wishing Logan luck, and then Logan picked up his luggage and was gone. His last vision of the two of them was Carlos snuggled up against Kendall, both of them smiling as they waved goodbye, and his heart broke thinking that soon enough he wouldn't see this anymore.<p>

The main suite was deserted. Logan made himself a cup of coffee, wondering if he should call Caroline quickly before the date got started but then deciding to wait and see if James wanted to join him for that. He prepared a second cup of coffee for James, mind turning over the day ahead and realizing this could be his last real time with James. He was determined to make it count, to rack up enough memories to get him through the lonely nights and leave him smiling as he drifted off to sleep.

James stumbled in at 7:15, Rich behind him, and Logan frowned. James was dressed immaculately, his hair in perfect place, yet Logan sensed something missing behind the smile James greeted him with. He held up the coffee and the smile widened and became genuine, and while James sipped it Logan made one for Rich as well.

"I'm sorry I'm late, it was a long night."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, met with the producers and planned some things, and Jerry...let's just say he didn't make things easy on me last night."

Logan stepped around the kitchen's counter and pulled James into his arms, loving the way James sank into his embrace. "It's fine, we've got all day, right?"

"Yes."

"So there's no rush. Relax, drink some coffee, and I don't know what you have planned but I'm sure we can fit some breakfast in there. Maybe even a nap if that's what you need."

James fought the smile that stole over his features but finally gave in, chuckling. "You really are such a mom."

"Complaining?"

Stepping back, James ran a hand over Logan's hair. "Never," he answered softly, then leaned in for a kiss. It lasted longer than it needed to, but neither let it flare into the passion that would carry them away. Instead it smoldered in them so that James sighed in contentment when he lifted his face. "I'm so excited to spend time with you again."

"That's definitely mutual. Finish your coffee and tell me where we're going."

"You tell me." James settled on a stool at the breakfast bar, one hand sliding down to link fingers with Logan and drag him closer.

"Oh, no. We did what I wanted last time. This time it's all about you."

"I don't care what we do, as long as I'm with you we can go wherever you want."

"But that's not fair to you, we can't always do what I want. You deserve to have fun, too."

"But I _do_ have fun with you." When Logan didn't back down, James raised a hand. "Okay, how's this? Why don't we do what _we_ want to do? We'll go get some breakfast, talk to someone and find out what all there is to do around here, and decide together?"

Satisfied, Logan nodded. "I can live with that. Oh, but I do need to call Caroline at some point."

James' face brightened immediately, eyes sparkling. "Want to do that now? Before we get lost somewhere?"

"Or maybe run away together and never come back?"

"That works, too," James grinned, lifting Logan's hand to kiss his palm. "But we'd have to take Caroline with us."

"Already planned."

They found the place where Logan could make his phone call, Logan relieved it wouldn't be a problem from outside the country. "Is it too early there?" James asked.

"According to my watch, it's two hours earlier. She might still be asleep, but at least we'll catch her before school."

"Awesome."

This time James held the phone, Logan not even asking for it but his heart warm seeing James' excitement over talking to Caroline again. The phone was answered and James blanched, suddenly at a loss for words, Logan realizing what the problem was and taking the phone. "Hi, Mom. Sorry about that, I know it's early but is Caroline awake?"

"Not yet, let me go get her. Can you tell me where you are?"

"Probably shouldn't. But we're not in the U.S."

"Oh, that's exciting! Hold on, sweetie, let me get her for you."

Logan passed the phone back to James, who now looked nervous again. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know what to say!"

"Just talk," Logan commanded. "When you can, that is. She'll carry most of the conversation, I'm sure."

"Good point," James laughed, then his face changed. "Hello? Caroline? Hi, good morning. This is James, your daddy's friend?" After a pause James laughed again. "Yes, the one who likes Timon. Oh, you did? That's so cool!'

Logan motioned for James to put it on speaker, and when he did Caroline's voice emanated from the phone. "-and then he gets big and strong and he's the king at the end is daddy there?"

Her words ran together so that it took them a second to catch up. "I'm right here, baby," Logan replied. "How did you sleep?"

"Hi, Daddy! Grandma took me to Pizza Castle last night and I ate two pieces!"

"Wow, two? How did you fit all that into your tiny little body?"

"I was hungry 'cause I didn't eat lunch."

"Why not?"

"I got sick. Grandma picked me up from school but I went to sleep and was all better!"

James watched the concern take over Logan's face, and he reached out for Logan's hand. "How are you feeling right now, pumpkin?" Logan asked.

"Good! We have a parade at school today! I get to be the tiger!"

"Oh, that'll be fun. Make sure Grandma takes pictures."

"Kay. Grandma! Daddy says to take pictures of me! Is James still there?"

James seemed to melt next to Logan. "I'm right here, princess."

Caroline gasped. "How did you know I'm a princess? I have a castle and everything!"

"Do you? Where did you get that?"

"Daddy got me it! For my birthday. Wanna come play in the castle with me, James? You can be my prince!"

When James was speechless, Logan smirked and said, "You get to rule over all her stuffed animals, James. She's got a ton, so you'd be pretty powerful."

"I uh...if I get to meet you, okay?"

"When will you meet me?" Caroline asked.

"Hopefully soon." He ignored the glare from Logan. "And yes, if I get to meet you, I will be your prince for the day."

"Okay! Daddy, are you coming home soon with James?"

"I am, sweetheart. I'll be home in a few days. I don't know about James."

"James, are you still there?"

"Right here."

"Will you come to see me?"

"I'll try, princess. I can't promise anything, but I'll try."

"We have to go, pumpkin, but I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Logan squeezed James' hand, letting him know he wasn't angry.

"Okay. I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you, too, sweetheart. Have fun in the parade today."

"It's gonna be so much fun! Bye, James!"

"Goodbye, Caroline. I'm glad I got to talk to you."

"Me too. Spongebob kept me safe, just like you said."

James grinned. "Told you. He will every night, okay?"

"Okay."

"Goodbye, pumpkin." Logan disconnected the call and moved into James' embrace, James hugging him close.

"She's...wow."

"Something else, isn't she?"

"It's no wonder you kept wanting to leave in the beginning. How the hell do you keep yourself here now? She has me wanting to catch a flight every time she asks if she'll get to meet me."

"I'm here now because I don't want to leave without you. I know that's a very real possibility so I enjoy the moments I do have with you and make more memories and I know that whatever happens, I'll go back to her. Whether today or in a few weeks, I'll have her again. You...I've got so little precious time with. I cherish every single second."

James shook his head slowly as he stared down at Logan, and though Logan sensed there were things he wanted to say, instead he stepped away and plucked the phone out of Logan's hand to pass back to the man who'd given it to them.

"Ready for breakfast?"

"Yes." Logan slid up against James' side, head on his chest as they made their way through the hotel and out to the street. "We ate at this really good restaurant last night, want to try that?"

"Sure. Lead the way."

An hour later they were staring at a map of the city, all the landmarks listed on a back page as they stood on a street corner with full bellies. "See anything you really want to do?" James asked.

"What would it take to get us up to that Christ the Redeemer statue? I've always wanted to see that."

"Then we'll see it. We just have to find someone who speaks English and can-"

James stopped talking when Logan hailed a local man and started asking him questions in Portuguese. A minute later he turned back to James and said, "Okay, we take a railway up the mountain, and then a bunch of steps to the statue itself. The train leaves about every twenty minutes, so we can take a cab or—what's wrong? Why are you looking at me that way?"

"You just busted out with some foreign language."

"Oh, I did. Portuguese. I don't know a lot, but enough to get us around the city."

"Logan, Jesus Christ, that's like the hottest thing I've ever seen."

Logan's eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. "Me speaking another language? You find that hot?"

"God, I find everything about you hot. You keep surprising me."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It's...damn. Okay. So let's go see this big statue of Christ."

"What about you, what do you want to do? And don't say whatever I want, find something on that map to check out."

"I already did. There's an old theater I want to visit, and if you're up for it we can hit the beach later. Unless that's boring because we've done it before?"

"Absolutely not, that's perfect. I loved our beach date, let's do it again."

"Awesome." James folded up the map, leading Logan out to the street so they could catch a cab.

They talked about Caroline for most of the ride, James asking her interests besides animals (not that there were a lot of other things to catch her fancy, Logan explaining that she had a sort of tunnel vision when it came to them), and James was ecstatic to hear she had a love of horses. He'd seen the picture from her birthday but hadn't realized it was a frequent occurrence (or maybe didn't remember from Logan mentioning it in Arizona), though Logan cautioned that she didn't get to do it often, both because he was busy a lot and because each time they went it cost money. James was quiet, Logan sensing immediately where his thoughts were.

"Don't even think about it, we have no room for a horse where I live."

"I didn't say anything."

"So you're not sitting there trying to figure out a way to buy Caroline her own horse?"

"Oh, Logan, look at that view of the water!"

Logan shook his head, not falling for the distraction but going along with it anyway. "You're taking a nap on the beach."

"I don't need a nap, I'm not a child."

"But you do. You're not sleeping well, are you?"

James shrugged. "This is hard."

"I know." Logan snuggled up under James' arm, James continuing to stare out the window but welcoming Logan's proximity. "We can find some shade, maybe pick up an umbrella somewhere."

"How boring would that be for you?"

"I could nap with you. Maybe know what it's like to fall asleep in your arms."

That had James' head swiveling over to smile at Logan. "That does sound nice."

"Do it for me, then. Because it's something I want to do. Though we might get some funny looks."

"I've heard about a beach that's gay-friendly here."

"Yeah?"

"And I found it on the map, it's not too far from where we're going."

"Sounds like a perfect place for a nap, then. Maybe a little making out, a lot of cuddling."

"Or a little cuddling, a lot of making out," James winked.

"Horndog."

"More memories for you to make..."

Logan laughed and snuggled up closer, content to watch the scenery pass with his head resting on James' chest.

"Oh, there is one more place I want to go today, if we have time."

"Where's that?" Logan asked.

"They have a really cool zoo here. I heard some of the staff talking about it last night."

"You want to go to the zoo? Really?"

"Hey, I gotta brush up so I can impress Caroline. I don't want her thinking I'm stupid."

Logan's eyes narrowed, his heart thundering against his ribcage. "Do you realize what you just said?"

James looked everywhere but at Logan, murmuring, "You heard nothing."

Logan let it go, but inside he was screaming with joy; to him, James' slip was more than "nothing"-it meant everything.

* * *

><p>As they stood at a railing staring out over the city below, Logan leaned back against James, the strong arms coming around him in a way he'd come to know well.<p>

"It seems like I'm always on top of the world somehow when I'm with you and Kendall."

Logan smiled. "Literally?"

"Yes. We always end up high above the ground. I wonder if that should mean something."

"We have a way of lifting you above the clouds?"

"Mmm. Something like that. Or just making me feel like I'm on the top of the world."

"Is that how you feel right now? So high you never want to come back down?"

"That's exactly how I feel."

"It's mutual."

James dipped his face down to kiss Logan's neck, Logan tilting his head to the side for better access.

"Your lips are like fire on my skin. Every time you kiss me."

"That's mutual, too," James whispered, sucking on those spots he now knew made Logan crazy.

"James, there are people here, we can't go at it like—oh fuck, right there." Logan's legs went weak, James holding him up as his teeth claimed the spot, bringing a whine out of Logan when he sucked hard enough to bruise. "James! Jesus, just..." Fingers digging into James' arms around his waist, Logan pressed back against the strong body and hissed when he felt James' erection digging into him from behind. "Oh my god," he whispered, the heat rising to fog his brain as he went limp in James' embrace, forgetting about everything but the feel of the wet tongue licking at his skin while teeth dug into it.

He vaguely felt James' hand sliding down toward his belt and rose up to meet it, desperate for friction of any kind, and it wasn't until after James tore his mouth away and put distance between them, arms still close enough to catch Logan should he not be expecting it, that Logan realized he'd heard the word "Brooke" through the haze rolling through his head. _Thank God for Rich._

Logan took a few moments to compose himself, leaning against the railing and away from James. He glanced around but nobody really seemed to have noticed, or if they did they certainly didn't care.

"Hey. Logan."

Attention drawn back to James, Logan looked back to find James running his hand over a plaque at the base of the statue. "What's that?"

"Come read it. What does it say?"

Logan approached, letting James slide an arm around his waist. "This statue was built to honor the idea of an all-encompassing Jesus. It says 'Christ loves all.'"

"Is that true?" James asked quietly. "Does he love everyone?"

"He sure does in my book."

James spun Logan around and smiled at him. "I think you're right. How could anyone know you and not love you?"

Logan didn't answer, knowing it was James' way of saying things he couldn't really say, and instead he hugged James tight. "If that's the case, I'd say he loves you, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Logan replied softly, and for a while they held each other, happy to know they were in love.

* * *

><p>The zoo proved to be fun, James once again enjoying Logan in lecture mode and commenting that Logan was definitely the sexiest teacher he'd ever had. Logan blushed but accepted the compliment, reminding James that he'd already known some of the facts Logan had spewed, and James' answer was that it didn't matter-he could listen to Logan talk about something as complex as rocket science for hours and never get bored.<p>

"Yes, but did you actually hear anything I said?"

"I heard every word. Quiz me, I'll pass. I may not remember anything a week from now, but I definitely listened."

After a quick tour of the theater, Logan learning that James still had a passion for acting and singing even though he maintained those days were behind him, they stopped to pick up a late lunch that they ate on the beach, cuddling under an umbrella after while Logan urged James to sleep. He fought the idea, stating again he didn't want to miss a moment of his time with Logan, so Logan closed his eyes and pretended to sleep, his cheek to James' heartbeat, which soothed him into an actual nap.

When he woke it was to feel James' gaze on him, James' lips pressed to his hair and a hand rubbing his back. Lifting his head, he smiled at James. "Did you sleep at all?"

"I did, actually. Just woke up a few minutes ago. The sun's going down so it's not as hot now, want to go for a walk?"

"Yes, I'd love that."

It was peaceful, both of them at ease rather than suffering the nerves they'd been plagued with on their last beach date, and they talked of their interests. Neither was surprised to find they didn't seem to have a lot in common, and while it made Logan a little nervous because he was sure Kendall (and probably Carlos as well) had a lot more going for him in that area, James' willingness to experience the things Logan enjoyed reassured him a bit. He met James' excitement about his own interests with the same open mind, wanting to know more and hoping one day they'd have the opportunity to share their own brand of fun with each other.

James also asked more about Caroline, hungry for clues as to how best to win her over, and Logan reiterated that James needed to relax and be himself with her. "She'll see through you in ten minutes if you're fake. She's smart."

"I know, but what if she doesn't like me?"

"She already likes you."

"You know what I mean. This could make or break us, Logan. I don't expect you to marry a man your daughter can't stand."

"Just be genuine. Either you'll click or you won't."

"And if we don't?"

Logan lifted his face to James', giving James his own favorite answer. "I can't promise anything."

James nodded, the fear in his eyes tearing at Logan's heart because he knew it so well himself, knew next week could change everything for them. James looked around suddenly, his gaze resting on a nearby restaurant, and then Logan was being dragged toward it while James held up a hand warning Rich to stay back.

Without bothering to note Rich's reaction, Logan followed James into a bathroom stall and barely noticed his surroundings, focused entirely on the feel of James' rough hands pulling him down until he was straddling James' hips, James' lips finding his and suffocating him in a way that he never tired of. He moaned when a hand slid inside pants again, bucking into it, but after a few thrusts he stood and fell to his knees, wanting to treat James this time.

"Logan, get off your knees, you don't have to-"

"Shut up, let me do this."

James groaned when he was free, and then Logan's mouth was on him and he gasped, eyes wide as his head fell back and his fingers twisted in Logan's hair. "Fuck, Jesus fuck, Logan, what are you...oh God, yes, just...you're so amazing!"

Logan had watched enough porn on his computer to have a pretty good idea what he should be doing, and though he was clumsy with it and he sensed James holding back and was grateful for that, he could tell he was doing something right by the sounds James was making. They drove Logan insane, making him crave more, and he pulled off to whisper, "Let's do this. Now. No more waiting."

"Jesus, Logan. No."

When James shook his head, dark eyes smoldering into Logan's, Logan let out a whine. "Please, this might be our only chance, please James, give me this, one time with you."

"No! Not here. Your first time is not going to be in a fucking bathroom, you deserve better than that."

"I don't care, just give me this, please!"

"Logan, no. I want you, you don't even know how badly I want you, but not like this."

Logan's reply was to swallow James down again, surprising him into a loud moan as his hands clawed at Logan's hair. "Fuck! Stop, just stop, just...fuck!"

James tore Logan's mouth away, both of them panting as they stared at each other. "Stop, Logan. Please."

Logan gave in, seeing that even though James didn't want that, he did. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose what might be my one opportunity to have you."

James kissed him softly. "Have a little faith in me."

It was hard, though, when Logan knew the reality of raising a child and all that came with it hadn't fully hit James yet. Once it did, he wouldn't blame James for running.

James pushed Logan back gently before standing to fix his pants, helping Logan up to do the same. "We need to get out of here."

Logan nodded, relieved as they left the bathroom that no one had come in (or maybe they had, it's not like Logan would've even noticed), and once they stepped out into the air James waved Rich over. "We need the car. We're going back now."

Logan's heart sank, prompting him to clutch James' hand tighter. It was still early, and he could only assume James wasn't able to bear being near him at this point in time. He remembered the way James had shunned him after their first kiss in the cabin, and knew this was on a scale much grander than anything they might've suffered after that first encounter.

"I'm sorry I ruined it," Logan said, burrowing into James' embrace.

"You didn't ruin anything." James held him tight. "Promise."

They were quiet on the ride back to the hotel, Logan sensing James' mind turning and not wanting to intrude on his thoughts. He felt in James' touch that he was still treasured, and that was enough because it had to be.

James kissed him once after they exited the limo, then again before leaving Logan at his door.

"Thank you," Logan whispered, hands framing James' face. "Today was magical. Whatever happens after this, know that I love you."

Logan wasn't sure what to make of the tortured expression that resulted from that, but the kiss he received was passionate, if brief. Without another word, James walked away, Rich lowering the camera as he followed James down the hall.

As it was still early, their room was deserted and Logan could only assume Carlos had somehow cajoled Kendall into going out dancing. He smiled, hoping Kendall was at least letting himself have fun, and curled up on his bed, the tears falling silently when he realized James had never given him a rose. Didn't that mean he was going home?

_"Have a little faith in me."_

After everything they'd been through, Logan refused to believe James would send him home before even meeting Caroline. Surely he still intended to do that, right?

An hour later he was still awake, mind replaying every moment of the glorious day spent with James, when there was a knock at the door.

Logan's stomach dropped, brain imagining someone from the show coming to tell him it was time to go, and with leaden feet he approached the door. He opened it with dread, unsure what it meant that Rich was standing before him.

"Oh, good, you're still dressed. I need to talk to you."

"Is everything okay? Nothing wrong with Caroline?"

"No no, she's fine. Come on."

Rich took off down the hall, Logan making sure he had his room key before following. "Do I need to get my luggage? It's in the main suite."

"No, just hurry."

Rich led him to the stairwell, taking him down three flights of stairs and shushing him when he asked questions. Moves furtive when they entered a hallway, Rich approached a door and slid a room key into the lock, pushing it open and waving Logan through.

He stepped into semi-darkness, it relieved by the flickering of what appeared to be a mountain of candles spread around the room. Logan's heart stopped when James stepped out of the bathroom, clad in a robe and most likely nothing else.

"Hi," he said softly. "I forgot to give you a rose."


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Got home earlier than planned, so...here you go.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>"Hi," he said softly. "I forgot to give you a rose."<p>

Logan didn't believe for a second James would forget anything that monumental and suddenly understood he'd been planning this the entire ride back from the beach. "I was afraid you were mad at me," Logan said anyway.

"For wanting me? I could never be upset with you for that. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I had to be sneaky."

"Is this your room?"

"No. I mean, yes, but not the room they assigned me. Rich is covering for me, told them I needed a night to myself and that I took off."

"So there aren't any cameras in here?"

James shook his head. "Your first time should be private. All of them should, really."

Logan swallowed, mouth drying when he realized it was going to happen. "Are you naked under that robe?"

A hand reached up to tug on the tie, loosening it enough that James shrugged out of the robe and stood bare before Logan, the fabric pooled at his feet. He waited while Logan's gaze roamed everywhere, let Logan's eyes feast before stepping closer to start on Logan's shirt. He unbuttoned it slowly, his own eyes trailing over each new inch of skin that appeared as his fingers worked, Logan's breath catching every time James' fingers brushed his chest or stomach.

"So beautiful," James whispered, running his hands up to push Logan's shirt back and off, and after it dropped to the floor James knelt before him and worked his pants down, taking the boxers with them until Logan too was naked other than the shoes and socks on his feet.

"I'm sandy," Logan warned, fingers gliding through James' hair as lips pressed against his thigh. "I haven't showered yet."

"I've got that covered." James lifted an ankle gently and pulled off one shoe, then the sock, and repeated his movements on Logan's other foot. Staring up Logan's body to his face, James said, "I can't get over how beautiful you are."

Blushing on cue, Logan pulled James to his feet. "So are we showering together?"

"Close."

Literally sweeping Logan off his feet, James carried him into the bathroom, where more candles awaited them and surrounded a steaming bath.

Logan choked on a laugh when he spied it. "You're giving me a bubble bath?"

"I happen to love bubble baths."

"That's great, so does Caroline. You two already have something in common."

"Are you mocking me, Logan?"

"Maybe," Logan grinned. "But I still love you. For this and for every perfect moment you've given me since we met."

Once again melting, James carefully deposited Logan into the oversized tub, joining him a second later and then lifting Logan onto his lap before twisting him around so they were facing each other.

"We're not supposed to do this yet, you know," Logan whispered, smirking because he knew neither of them could turn back now.

"I wasn't supposed to do any of it with you. I don't always think clearly in your presence."

"I seem to have the same problem. You kiss me and I forget everything, there's nothing else that exists but you. I've never felt that before."

"Not even with...?"

"Not even with her." Logan proved it by kissing James then, hoping to erase any doubts he might have, and soon enough they were panting into each others' mouths, hands moving over slippery skin while Logan rocked in just the right way to get James making those sounds he couldn't get enough of. James finally pinned Logan to the other wall of the tub, flipping him to slide between his thighs while Logan pulled him closer, using his legs to keep James there.

James hummed against Logan's mouth. "We'll take this slow, okay? We've got all night if you want it, I'll take the heat if they say anything about us both disappearing."

"If I stay the night, Kendall will know. Though part of me wants to say fuck it and just stay anyway."

"Mmm, don't tease me like that. And say that again, it's hot when you cuss."

Logan dissolved into laughter, hugging James to him. "I know you can't say anything to it, and I know there's still the chance you'll choose someone else over me and if you do, I'll understand, but it's not going to stop me from saying it. I love you, James Diamond. I love you like no one I've ever loved before and I want to share my life with you. Do with that knowledge what you will."

"Logan," James whispered, overcome, and the way he expressed it was once again through touch, lips breathing Logan in while his hands slid over Logan's body, bringing it to a shudder with each movement.

"Please," Logan begged softly, "don't make me wait anymore. I need you."

Logan's begging seemed to have a profound effect on James, as his earlier pleas had brought them to this room. Now James responded by standing in the water and reaching for a nearby towel, waiting until Logan had joined him to run it over Logan's body gently. Impatient, Logan took it from him and quickly dried himself, stepping out and waiting for James to do the same while he drank in the sight of so much golden skin. Logan stepped up behind James and kissed the spot between his shoulderblades, James shivering from the brush of lips while his breath caught, and Logan was glad he wasn't the only one so sensitive to each touch.

Sliding his hands up James' arms to settle on his shoulders, Logan grazed his teeth down James' left shoulderblade, James trembling as his head fell back and his breathing shallowed. "Logan, for the love of God..."

"Too much?"

"No, it's...perfect. You're perfect." Dropping his towel, James spun around to capture Logan's lips, teasing his mouth open until Logan was hungrily kissing him back.

"Please," Logan said again, and James acquiesced. He lifted Logan off the floor, waiting until Logan's legs were around his waist, and took Logan to the bed, laying him down and climbing over him to continue the kiss that seemed endless. When Logan's hand snaked down to stroke James, he gasped and pulled back, needing a moment.

"Fuck. I have no control with you."

Logan only smiled, liking that it sounded as if James did with everyone else. "You don't need it right now. Let go, James. Everything you've wanted to do with me, let go and do it."

James licked his lips and moved to the edge of the bed, twisting around to sit on it while reaching into a nightstand he'd apparently dropped some supplies into. "We're taking this slow, Logan."

"I don't need slow, I just need—"

"I'm doing this right." He glanced back, tenderly caressing Logan's cheek and adding, "I want to make this the best night of your life. I won't hurt you."

"I know you won't."

"Let me do this right."

"Okay."

After leaning down for a brief kiss, James settled his legs onto the bed again, facing Logan, and ripped open a condom. Logan's heart was racing, the anticipation killing him now, but he held his silence and allowed James to roll it over him slowly, hissing at the squeeze both from the latex and James' hand. Biting his lip to keep from bucking up into it, Logan's fingers dug into the mattress. James drizzled a thick oil over the condom, Logan whining as James stroked to spread it around, and then he groaned in frustration. "Please," he begged again, this time moving his hips in time to the rhythm of James' hand.

"Relax," James whispered, giving in to stroke Logan as he leaned down to speak against Logan's lips. "It's gonna happen this time. I promise."

When Logan's teeth caught his bottom lip and tugged, James groaned, his grip tightening and the rhythm faster and it was then Logan realized how much James was holding back and how difficult it must be for him to take it this slow when it had been over a month (or so Logan hoped) since James had done this.

"Okay, you're ready," James grated, voice rough, and then finally he moved into position over Logan, straddling his hips. "You won't believe how good this feels."

"Show me," Logan commanded, and then after one hard push Logan was in, James sliding down slowly with a harsh sigh.

"Fuck, so good," he breathed.

It was tight, so much tighter than anything Logan had experienced with Jane, James' body molding around him to leave him barely able to catch his breath. "So long, it's been so long."

"I know. God, I know. You doing okay?"

"Better than I've ever been," Logan whispered, wondering if he could move yet. The feeling of being swallowed was intense on its own, but he knew it would be even better once he started moving. "You?"

"Same. You good if I...?"

Logan's answer was to thrust his hips upward, James groaning again before lifting himself up and then down again, harder this time, and Logan thought he could die from it, so many sensations running through him. His brain was on overload, not knowing what to focus on first, so many words at the tip of his tongue that finally he dragged James down for a hot kiss, letting the feelings escape that way.

When he gripped James' hips and pulled him down roughly to meet each thrust, James shuddered. "Don't want this to end yet, please Logan, don't rush this, make it-"

"We'll fucking do it again when we're done, quit holding back!"

That was all it took. The dam broke, James' wall crumbling until his hips were pumping fast over Logan's body.

"Yes," Logan hissed. James had been right, he couldn't believe how amazing this was. He bucked up to meet each downthrust from James, it of course not lasting too long once they let go, and within minutes Logan found his release, body frozen as it emptied and James gasping before stroking himself a few times and following suit.

James let his body fall forward but balanced himself on his elbows, kissing Logan with abandon as Logan panted into his mouth.

When it tapered off some, the two of them coming down slowly, Logan smiled. "About fucking time."

James laughed, burrowing his face into Logan's neck and raining kisses over it. "Yet we still managed to do it ahead of schedule."

"Oh well. That just means we got an extra night out of it. Don't even try to tell me you weren't planning to get me in bed before this is over."

James just shook his head, not committing to an answer of any kind.

"I still don't have that rose."

James' body shook as he laughed, lifting his lips to Logan's briefly. "You're definitely getting one. Trust me."

Logan's face brightened into a smile. "The candles are a nice touch. I can't believe you did all this so quickly."

"I had help."

Logan nodded. "Rich."

"He's a pretty good guy. The only real friend I have in all this mess."

Hugging James to him, Logan sighed, "It is a mess, isn't it?"

"I feel pulled in so many different directions."

"I know." After kissing James' hair, Logan said, "Thank you for making sure I got my perfect night."

"Right, because this was all for you. I didn't enjoy it at all."

They grinned at each other before Logan hinted, "I believe you promised me something else."

James raised an eyebrow. "I don't make promises, Logan. Not with you guys."

"You mentioned something about uh..." Leaning up, Logan whispered into James' ear, "...being inside me? Like no one ever has before?"

The strength left James' body for a second, the sound escaping him so delicious that Logan licked his lips.

"Isn't that why you brought me here, James? To be my first?"

"It hurts, Logan. It really does."

"You didn't seem to be in any pain."

"Yes, but I'm a slut, remember?" James laughed. "I'm way past the early stages now."

"Not tonight, you're not. Tonight you're mine. There's no one else in this room, not even a camera. You can do what you want with me. I'm yours."

James' eyes darkened, but he said, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Somebody has to, James. I want it to be you. Stop holding back. I know you won't hurt me any more than you have to, I trust you. You have me, this could be our only night, I want it all. Give me this, please." Sensing that James was crumbling, Logan said what he knew would get through. "Just fuck me already!"

It worked, James letting out a frustrated cry before giving in completely and letting go of any lingering restraint. He was gentle, so gentle, but finally gave Logan all of himself, and while James had been right about the pain, Logan loved every second of it.

"Just this, for the rest of my life," he whispered as James moved inside him. "I know you can't promise me anything, just promise you'll never forget this night. Promise that no matter who you choose, a part of you will always remember that for one night, you were my everything, and I was yours."

James responded with the most tortured expression Logan had witnessed yet, the pain in his eyes surpassing anything Logan was currently experiencing, but rather than speak he lost himself in Logan's lips, desperation poured into every movement. It hadn't been fair of Logan to ask that, but when James' fingers were digging into his skin and James was owning him so completely, he couldn't bring himself to care.

For one night, James Diamond was his, and it was enough.

* * *

><p>As Jerry had been sent home, Kendall could no longer use the "You can dance with Jerry" argument when Carlos begged him to go dancing. They spent the day with Ryan and Mike, finding harmless trouble to get into, and when Chris showed up to inform them the club visit was a go, Carlos whooped before shoving Kendall toward the room he shared with Logan.<p>

"Go change. I'm getting you on that dance floor."

"Not happening."

"Kendall, you have to! Don't leave me alone with Mike and Ryan! Oh, hey guys," Carlos said as they passed by on their way to their own rooms. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Both laughed, Ryan responding, "Don't worry about it. Come on, Kendall, we'll have fun."

"Guys, I really don't dance."

"At least come to the club with us," Mike invited. "If you don't want to dance, fine, but don't spend your last night in Rio alone in a hotel."

"So instead I'll sit alone in a club and be hit on by desperate guys looking for a fuck? No thanks."

"Aww, I'll protect you," Carlos grinned, reaching up to pat Kendall's shoulder. "But please, just come with us."

Kendall stared down at Carlos, fighting with himself, and finally shook his head. "I can't. I'm sorry, Carlos."

Shoulders slumping, Carlos' mouth curved down. "It's okay, buddy. I understand." As Kendall opened the door to his room, Carlos called out, "You guys have fun!"

Kendall spun around fast. "What? No. You're going."

"Nope. Not without you." He pushed Kendall into the room, letting the door close behind them. "I won't have any fun if I know you're sitting here all alone, getting sad because Logan's out with James. So instead we'll sit here moping together. I bet the hotel delivers ice cream."

The prospect of being alone in a hotel room with Carlos draped over him all night ran through Kendall's mind, and he decided a nightclub wasn't so scary after all. "Fine, I'll go," he sighed.

Carlos' face made the decision worth it. "Really?" Gaping, he hugged Kendall tight and picked him up, spinning him around. "You're the best! I'm so excited, this is gonna be so much fun!" He set Kendall down and asked, "As long as I'm here, can I have Joanie? I don't want to forget later."

"No way. Not until I make it back safe. I'll give her back tonight, promise."

"Okay. So just dress casual, wear something comfortable. I'll have you dancing in no time."

"I'm not dancing. I'll go, but I'm not dancing."

"We'll see about that," Carlos grinned. "Meet me in the suite in fifteen minutes! This is gonna be so much fun!"

Kendall seriously doubted that. Watching Carlos bound out of the room, he wondered what in the world he'd gotten himself into.

* * *

><p>Carlos of course got Kendall on the floor within ten minutes of arriving, physically dragging him away from the bar and his beer. Self-conscious and turning in on himself, Kendall stood motionless and awkward among the mass of bodies, hating the music that was so loud it beat through every pore of his body and made it near impossible to hear Carlos.<p>

"Relax!" Carlos mouthed at him, then pulled him down to speak into his ear. "I'm right here. You're safe. Let yourself have fun."

"I know how to have fun!" Kendall yelled.

"Prove it!" With an impish grin, Carlos hopped up and down to the music, arms raised to the sky and head thrown back as he moved. Kendall could only chuckle while shaking his own head, because Carlos was absolutely adorable. "Come on, move!"

Kendall looked around, again hating that he felt so self-conscious. He was used to being the confident one, not doubting his abilities, but when it came to moving his body in any way that didn't involve a stick and a puck, he lost every shred of confidence.

Mike and Ryan were dancing, Mike laughing as he moved, and Kendall spied their chaperone at the bar talking up a girl who seemed out of place in this club that was predominantly male. Nobody was paying them any attention, though Ryan did smile when Kendall caught his eye.

Hands were suddenly on Kendall's hips, forcing them to move, and Kendall glared down at Carlos.

"Come on!" Carlos repeated. "Like at the pool in Vegas, you were having fun!"

That was true enough, he'd actually been enjoying himself until Logan joined them; then he got embarrassed again and stopped. Kendall reluctantly started moving, wishing his limbs would loosen up some.

"Okay, let's try this." Carlos yelled, "Close your eyes!"

Kendall shook his head. "James tried that, it doesn't work!"

Rolling his eyes, Carlos yanked Kendall closer by the hips and stood on his toes to speak into Kendall's ear. "Close your eyes," he repeated in a low voice.

Kendall did, licking his lips as his breath caught. Damn Carlos and his lack of personal space.

"Listen to the music."

"I am."

"No, you're hearing it. You're not listening. Just...listen." When Kendall's eyes opened, Carlos shook his head. "I'm right here. Nobody's staring at you. Close your eyes and listen."

Letting his lids fall closed, Kendall listened. It was a fast-paced beat with a Latin flair, and the bass was so loud he felt his body vibrate with each pounding of the drums.

"Feel it," Carlos commanded. "Feel it in your bones, take it in and breathe it out."

Kendall's movements became less jerky, more fluid as the music flowed into him. He opened his eyes once, a little panicked at feeling himself lose control, and Carlos was nodding.

He leaned in again and said, "Just like that. Don't tell your body what to do, let it rule you instead." When Kendall looked lost for a moment, Carlos reminded him, "I'm right here."

Kendall let the music take him over again, feeling Carlos' hands on his hips. He ran his own hands up Carlos' arms, the friction like electricity shooting into his palms as his skin became more sensitive.

"Better, but you're still too stiff." Carlos stepped back, gaze traveling down and then back up again, before he called out, "Pretend you're having sex!"

That got Kendall's eyes flying open, his body once again motionless. "What?"

"I'm serious!" Carlos closed the distance between them. "Dancing is like sex, you do what you feel. Close your eyes and listen to the music, pretend you're fucking to the beat."

Blinking down at Carlos, Kendall started to shake his head.

"I mean it!" Once again gripping Kendall's hips, Carlos got them moving, this time Kendall falling into the beat easily though he looked like he wanted to bolt. When Carlos pulled Kendall down to speak into his ear, he said, "Pretend I'm James. You're fucking him, keeping that rhythm going, letting it flow from you into him. I know you can fuck."

Breath hitching, Kendall groaned softly when Carlos moved against him, their bodies creating the kind of friction Kendall had been without for far too long. He remembered watching James between Jerry and Austin, how it had almost looked like fucking with clothes on, and then in his mind's eye he saw Carlos grinding against James, his vision focusing on Carlos' hips and his face when he was lost to the music, a form of ecstasy that expressed what Kendall imagined Carlos would look like during sex.

"That's it," Carlos whispered, his fingers sliding up into Kendall's hair. "Just see him, feel him moving against you like this."

The problem with that was that it _wasn't_ James moving against him, it was Carlos, and every time he opened his eyes it was Carlos he saw, Carlos' hips he was now gripping while grinding harder, Carlos who was rubbing against him in a way that left him breathless and wanting more. "Carlos," he whined as Carlos' fingers teased his hair just right, trailing down to skim over his neck, and each thrust of his hips was like fire when they rubbed together.

"Yes, fuck yes, just like that," Carlos managed, giving himself over to it now that Kendall had, both of them closing their eyes and feeling the beat while their hands roamed and Kendall's fingers twisted into Carlos' short strands, bringing a moan out of him that reverberated throughout Kendall's body.

Carlos' hands somehow ended up on Kendall's ass to keep their hips flush and moving together, Kendall's head falling back as a sheen of sweat broke out over his face. The beat was pumping in his veins, so many bodies pressing them in from all sides, and when he opened his eyes the lights were flashing around them, leaving him almost dizzy but never wanting to stop. Carlos' lips were at his neck, not kissing but being in a perfect position for them to do so, and when Kendall suddenly craved it, needed a wet mouth on him, he pressed Carlos' face to his skin, Carlos' mouth automatically opening to graze his teeth roughly down to the collar of Kendall's shirt.

Hot, he was so fucking _hot_, he couldn't find any air and it was suffocating the way Carlos' hips were suffocating him and giving him no respite, Kendall growing harder by the second and wanting more, bucking his own hips into Carlos because it wasn't enough, it just wasn't _enough_, and fuck Carlos for doing this to him, for winding him up so tightly he thought he might just explode right here on a fucking dance floor in the middle of all these strangers.

Wrenching himself out of Carlos' grasp and shoving Carlos away, Kendall ignored the shocked expression on Carlos' face that turned to hurt quickly. He broke through the dancers, making his way to a nearby restroom until he could breathe again, collapsing back against a wall and taking in huge gulps of air. All he could see was Carlos, all he could feel under his hands was that skin that was so hot even through the fabric of a shirt, his hips screaming for that delicious friction again.

And then Carlos was there, dark eyes full of concern and that face just so fucking perfect it made Kendall ache inside with its beauty. His hands reached out without his command, dragging Carlos to him for a kiss that was hotter than the sun, Carlos freezing in shock for only a second before returning it, his own hands fisted in Kendall's hair as his tongue dove into Kendall's mouth hungrily. Kendall twisted them so that Carlos was up against the wall, pinned there by Kendall's hips as they bucked in time to the music that was now muted but still loud enough for them feel the beat. Carlos groaned and returned the gesture as well as he was able, desperate to get closer even though there was nothing between them but clothing.

"Kendall," Carlos whispered, and somehow that broke through the spell. It was wrong, Carlos should not be whispering his name in a tone that screamed of sex, and Kendall stepped back suddenly, gasping and looking away to regain his sanity. Carlos stared at Kendall for a few seconds before it hit him, the terror ripping into Kendall's heart and bringing him right back into place against Carlos' body, but this time hugging him close and shushing him.

"It's okay, it's okay, shh," he whispered, petting Carlos' hair while Carlos clung to him.

"No, it's not, I can't lose him, I can't lose James, he can't find out, oh God Kendall I ruined it, I ruined everything, now he'll never—"

"It's okay," Kendall repeated. "Nobody saw. There's nobody here, no cameras, nobody has to know. It was a mistake and it won't happen again."

"No, I did this, I shouldn't have danced with you, I should've known better, it didn't mean anything and I fucked up so bad-"

"It's not you, it's this stupid contest!" Kendall yelled, suddenly raging as he stepped back. "What the fuck is wrong with them, throwing us all in together and leaving us frustrated and unable to do anything about it? It's torture, we get teased by James and it can't go anywhere, so we're constantly on edge and this is what happens! We end up almost fucking in a bathroom because there's nothing else we can do! I'm so fucking done with this, so glad we're going home tomorrow because I can't take this anymore, can't stand being trapped with you and not able to do anything!"

Carlos hugged him then, his terror now drawing from a place of panic at the idea of being alone again, of having no one but his beloved dogs to greet him at night, of not having long arms wrapped around him to soothe him into sleep. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin anything."

"You didn't, Carlos. But the sooner we're all away from each other, the better. I can't take much more of this."

Carlos nodded, his grip relaxing slowly. "I can't go back out there. I can't dance with you again."

"I know." Pressing a chaste kiss to Carlos' forehead, Kendall hugged him tighter before letting go. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel."

"But Ryan and Mike are-"

"I don't care. For once, I'm doing what I need to do and not caring about what anyone else needs."

Carlos followed him out into the club, standing nearby while Kendall explained to the chaperone that Carlos was feeling sick and they needed to return to the hotel. As Carlos' complexion had indeed turned pasty, there was no argument. They collected Ryan and Mike, who told Carlos not to worry about it when he apologized, and upon returning to the hotel Kendall walked Carlos to his room.

"I'm sorry," Carlos said again, having not said a word on the walk back from the club. "I just hope we didn't ruin anything with James."

Kendall leaned against the door after it closed. "We didn't. I told you, nobody saw anything. It was a mistake and never meant to happen. I promise, we're fine. This stays between us, okay? Not even Logan can know."

Nodding, Carlos hugged Kendall again. "I'm gonna miss you."

Heart cracking, Kendall kissed Carlos' temple. "It's only temporary. When this is all over, we can get together and hang out."

"Promise? This didn't make things weird between us?"

"Like anything could be weird between us? Come on, we're still best buddies. We always will be."

"Promise?" Carlos asked again, needing to hear it.

"Promise," Kendall replied. He leaned away and tilted Carlos' chin up, rubbing a thumb over his lips. "I told you. Not even James can keep me away from you. That hasn't changed."

"Okay."

As Kendall was reaching for the door, Carlos laughed softly. "What?" Kendall asked.

"I was just thinking, at least I know now."

"Know what?"

"What it's like to kiss you." When Kendall said nothing, Carlos grinned. "Come on, like you haven't thought it yourself about me and Logan?"

"So you've wondered about Logan, too?"

Carlos shrugged. "That one night you were talking about blowjobs, it was kind of hard not to."

Kendall chuckled. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"It's okay. That was a rough night, but we made it through. Just like we'll make it through tonight."

"And the next few months before we can see each other again."

"We'll see each other at the ceremonies, at least. Until one of us goes."

"Yeah."

They stared at each other, turning that prospect over in their minds, and then they were hugging again, both of them clinging this time as their hearts broke. "I'm gonna miss you, too," Kendall whispered.

"I know. I just want to say, good luck with James once we leave here."

"You, too."

"If I make it that far."

"You will. You got this, Carlos." And suddenly Kendall knew it to be true, because now he'd seen the side of Carlos that James must see, and who in their right mind could resist that?

Carlos gave him a bright grin, lifting up for one last brief kiss on the lips. "Thanks, buddy. Goodnight."

Relieved that Carlos wasn't asking him to stay the night or to come back into his room, Kendall smiled. "Night."

When Kendall returned to the room he shared with Logan, it was still empty, and he was grateful. Thoughts spinning on tracks they shouldn't be, he shoved those visions away and resolved to see no one but James in his mind anymore. Once he got away from Carlos it would be easier, he could focus on James again.

And that was how it should be.

* * *

><p>When Logan eventually returned to the room, Kendall was asleep in his bed and there was no Carlos in sight. More relieved than anything else, as he'd not wanted to be interrogated about his date just yet, Logan thought it best that Kendall was still attempting to distance himself from Carlos.<p>

He showered quickly before climbing into bed, still on cloud nine from his perfect night with James. Closing his eyes, Logan relived every moment, from his first words to James that morning to the last kiss he'd received before stepping out of James' temporary room and into the hallway.

He'd lifted a hand to James' cheek, once again overcome with emotions so intense he couldn't contain them, and said softly, "I love you."

James' eyes became a storm, full of torment and agony.

"I'm sorry if that makes things harder for you, to hear that. But I needed you to know."

James nodded, whispering, "I do know."

He'd kissed Logan then, almost sweetly, and when they broke apart James was smiling. "See you tomorrow night." He pressed a rose into Logan's hand, which immediately curled around it.

"Definitely." With one last smile, Logan had turned away, walking on air.

Now he remembered his own words to Kendall after Carlos' last date, that though Carlos had been on a high it would come crashing down the next day as reality set in. He knew it to be true in his case as well, so once again ran the date over in his mind, not ready yet to let go of this feeling of being loved and only vaguely aware of Kendall shifting restlessly in the bed across from him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Super long chapter here, but I wanted to wrap up Rio so we can move on. And yes, I did use a line the _The Fox and the Hound_. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. :)

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>When Logan woke the next morning he stretched in his bed, not wanting to rise and face the questions he knew would be fired at him. He was sore in a way that only made him smile, and it hit him suddenly that James was going to meet Caroline. It wasn't a question anymore, he had a rose; James would absolutely be coming to his home to meet with his family.<p>

He sat up fast, excitement flooding him, thinking to check his watch to see if it was too early to call his daughter. A vision of James telling her himself that he was coming to visit had Logan melting, and he wondered if that would somehow be possible to arrange. Would James even want to?

"I can tell it went well. You're glowing. And you've got a massive hickey on your neck."

Logan jumped slightly, the voice startling him out of his thoughts as his hand flew to the bruise he'd noticed the night before. His head swung to the left, where Kendall was fully dressed and sitting on his bed, apparently doing nothing but that. "Hey. Morning."

"Almost afternoon, you mean."

"Shit, is it?" Logan picked up his watch while rubbing his eyes. "I never sleep this late. Where's Carlos?"

"He probably slept in, too. We got back pretty late last night."

"Did you? I take it Carlos dragged you out to the club?" Logan grinned.

Kendall nodded slowly. "He got me dancing, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. How was the date?"

"It was perfect," Logan answered honestly.

Gesturing toward the rose on the nightstand between them, Kendall said, "I see that James felt the same way."

Flushing slightly, Logan nodded. "He's officially going to meet Caroline. I'm excited and scared all at the same time."

"I know, buddy. Just remember, if it's meant to be, it will be."

"I know. I just want so badly for it to _be_ meant to be. If that makes any sense."

"It does. So where'd he take you?"

Logan stretched again, sighing before standing up. "Why don't we go find Carlos so I only have to go through this once? It's our last day together anyway, I don't want to miss any time we have left with him. I'm surprised he hasn't busted down our door yet as it is," he said fondly. "Go get him and I'll meet you guys in the main suite in a few minutes?"

"Nah, I'll wait. Let him sleep a while longer."

Logan shrugged and went about getting dressed and ready for the day, mind on the phone call and how he might get in touch with James. He supposed he could wait until the ceremony later that evening, but he usually called her earlier and didn't want to keep her waiting; in addition, he was too excited himself to wait.

Grabbing his room key and wallet while Kendall headed for the door, Logan asked, "When you went to James the other day, how did you get there? Through Chris?"

"Yeah, I asked him to take me to James."

"And he did?"

"Yep. I said I really needed to talk to him, that it couldn't wait. Why?"

"I was hoping James could be with me when I tell Caroline he's coming. She's gonna be so excited."

"Aww, that's kind of cute." Kendall smiled, and Logan frowned when he realized it was the first time he'd seen Kendall smile since waking.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. This whole thing is starting to get to me. I can't wait to get home tomorrow, get back to my life again."

"For a little bit. You'll be right back in this after your hometown date."

"If James decides to keep me. We'll see."

Sliding his arm around Kendall's waist, Logan opened the door and steered him through it. "Don't worry about it. Just enjoy our last day together and whatever happens, happens."

Kendall sighed as they made their way to the room Carlos shared with Mike, an arm resting over Logan's shoulders and hugging him close.

* * *

><p>They finally found Carlos in the main suite, not alone but laughing while involved in a game of cards with Ryan and Mike. Logan didn't welcome the twinge of jealousy he felt, a little hurt that Carlos would rather spend the time with the other two than come find them and force them awake. Telling himself he was being ridiculous, he stepped up to the table and slid an arm over Carlos' shoulders.<p>

"Logan! Hey!"

The huge smile made everything better. "What's up, buddy?"

"Kicking Ryan's ass at cards, nothing new."

"I beg to differ," Ryan interrupted.

Mike chuckled. "Carlos, you're down a hundred points."

"Maybe right now, but we still have a few more hands to play." To Logan, he said, "Where's Kendall?"

"Right here, buddy."

Kendall had seated himself in a chair near the television. Carlos shot him a smile and Kendall returned it while Logan lowered his body into a nearby loveseat.

"So how was your date, Logan?"

"Pretty good, Carlos. I got a rose."

"Obviously, since you're still here," Mike pointed out.

"True. But it was good. We went all over the place."

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Details, Logan, details! Don't hold out on us!"

Ryan stood from his chair. "Mike and I are starving, we're gonna head down to the pool and grab some lunch."

Knowing that Ryan was purposely giving them time alone, Logan nodded gratefully. "See you guys later."

"Have fun!" Carlos called out as they exited the suite, then he was up and rushing over to Logan. "Okay, spill," he urged from his perch on the arm of the sofa.

Logan let out a long sigh, wondering where to begin. "We had breakfast first, at the restaurant we all went to the other night."

Carlos nodded excitedly. "What was his plan for you? The card didn't have any clues."

"There wasn't one. Just like before, he left it up to me."

"Really," Kendall mused. "So whenever you two get together, he does whatever you want?"

"I didn't allow that, I said we would plan the day together."

Considering that, Carlos said, "When he takes us out, he knows exactly what we want. He plans the date with stuff we want to do. I wonder if it's because he knows what we like but not what you like."

Logan hadn't thought of it that way; he'd always assumed that like James said, it didn't matter what they did as long as they were together. What if Carlos was right and James had no idea where to take him because James didn't know him as well as he knew everyone else? Fighting to hold on to that feeling of being treasured and adored, Logan replied, "That may be. I don't know."

"So what was next?" Kendall asked.

"I wanted to see the statue of Christ the Redeemer. We took a train up the mountain and spent some time there. It was really cool."

"And then?" Carlos wanted to know.

"We went to an old historic theater. Did you guys know James used to be in drama when he was a kid? Singing and acting?"

Kendall nodded, remembering James mention it in passing on their first date, but Carlos' mouth dropped. "No way! Why did he stop? Did he suck?"

"I have no idea. I just know he went into modeling instead."

"I think he was pretty good," Kendall supplied. "He told me once that he turned to modeling because anything else would be a waste of his face."

Unable to help himself, Logan chuckled. "He's definitely aware of his assets."

"So did you see a play or something?"

"No, we just toured it. Took a lot of pictures, the place is beautiful. And then we went to the zoo."

"Aww man!" Carlos exclaimed. "I love the zoo! You get all the cool dates."

"You be quiet, Mr. Skydiving and Disneyland."

"Oh. Well, yeah, okay. I take it back."

"Who chose the zoo?" Kendall questioned.

"Uh, he did. Said he heard some of the staff talking about it. And it's gorgeous, the animals are surrounded by these gardens that are breathtaking."

Carlos smirked. "I bet he made you play tour guide again, didn't he?"

Blushing a tad, Logan's lips curved up. "Not really. I mean a little, I guess, but he genuinely wanted to learn everything he could."

"For Caroline."

Logan met Kendall's eyes, staring back defiantly at the churlish tone. "Yes. For Caroline."

"So he really gets to meet her?" Carlos questioned. "It's gonna happen?"

"It really is, Carlos. I'm nervous."

"I bet. But you shouldn't be, she sounds like fun."

"Raising a child is about more than fun. I don't think James understands that yet."

"Nah, it'll be fine."

Touched that Carlos was still supportive even though it had to be killing him to think James would want to take on that role, Logan reached up to squeeze his hand. "I hope so."

"So then what?"

"Uh...we had lunch. At the beach. Ate it there, then I made him take a nap because he was exhausted."

Carlos busted up, even Kendall unable to hold in the laughter. "You _made_ him take a nap?"

"I did, Kendall. You should've seen him, he's wrecked. This whole thing is taking a toll on him, I've never seen him look so beaten down."

"Is he okay, though?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah, he's just...you can tell it's killing him. I wanted to sit there and hold him all day, let him sleep and tell him it's all going to work out. Of course instead I ended up pressuring him later in the evening, but that's another story."

Carlos sighed. "You guys fought _again?_"

"No, we didn't, we actually didn't...wow. We didn't fight at all. Not once. Not even an argument, other than me telling him he couldn't buy Caroline a horse. I don't think that really counts."

Kendall's eyebrows raised almost to his hairline, Carlos speaking their shared thought. "Holy shit, he wants to buy her a horse? Dude, you so have this thing won."

"I'd love to believe that, but it's not going to last. Once it hits him how hard it is and how much he'd have to sacrifice..." Logan shook his head. "I just want to enjoy the time I have with him before he does realize that. And as long as he ends up with one of you, I'm happy."

Kendall pursed his lips. "How did you pressure him?"

"Oh, um...I just kept telling him things he probably didn't want to hear. Like...that I love him. And that I wanted things to go further with us."

"Damn," Carlos sighed. "I know you're getting a sex date. He hasn't even said a word to me or Kendall the whole time we've been in Rio."

"He hasn't had a chance to," Kendall argued. "We haven't even seen him. Other than me going to talk to him the first day."

"You went to talk to him? About what?"

Logan glanced at Kendall, surprised he hadn't told Carlos about it.

"After he almost got rid of me in L.A., I felt we needed to be on the same page. He told me that night he had doubts about my dedication to him, so I wanted to make sure he understood that it's still him I want."

Carlos was silent as he stared at Kendall, but Kendall didn't meet his eyes.

"And it went well, right?" Logan wanted to know.

"Yeah, I told you. He was scared when he thought I was walking out."

"You were gonna walk out?" Carlos practically yelled. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I wasn't! I never was, Carlos, calm down. But when I showed up out of the blue, that's what he thought. And he didn't want me to leave."

"You'd better tell me if you think about leaving again."

"Carlos, Jesus Christ! I never thought about leaving!"

"Not even last night?"

That brought Kendall up short, and he glared at Carlos before answering. "We're leaving tonight, so it really doesn't matter."

The conversation about Kendall going to James had Logan thinking about his own idea to do the same, and as Carlos and Kendall were distracted anyway, he stood up. This would be his opportunity to escape before they asked any more questions about the date. "Guys, I'm gonna go find Chris. I'll be back in a little while. Wait for me to grab lunch?"

"Fine," Kendall replied, eyes still on Carlos, whose gaze was locked on him.

It wasn't Logan's imagination—Kendall wasn't okay. Something had changed, or maybe Kendall was just at his breaking point, but Logan made a mental note to ask about it when he returned.

Once they were alone, Kendall and Carlos continued to stare at each other, Kendall being the first to break eye contact and say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's okay. I just thought you had planned on leaving without telling me."

"I wouldn't do that. You should know that by now, Carlos."

"I might have yesterday, but then things changed."

Looking away, Kendall said, "Nothing changed. It was a moment in time that shouldn't have happened and was brought about by the atmosphere and the tension we've been under. Things will be easier once we go home."

"Except that I'll miss you."

Kendall's eyes fell closed, and then Carlos was on him, hugging him tight. "I don't want to say goodbye," he whispered, Kendall's heart breaking.

"I keep telling you. It's not goodbye. When this is all over-"

"Things will be different. One of us will be with James. It might be Logan."

"Or even Ryan. Or even _you_. Which is how it's supposed to be, if that's what happens. But it doesn't matter who ends up with James, okay? I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you."

"Promise?"

"Yes, Carlos." Kendall kissed his hair, eyes closed as he breathed in the scent that haunted him. "We'll always be friends, forever."

"I just don't want it be ruined after last night. I was so scared about losing James, and today I was scared about losing you. I don't want to lose either one of you."

"Well, you're not losing me. I'll miss you over the next week, and if we don't come back after the dates I'll miss you until we can get in touch again. But we _will _get in touch."

"Okay. It sucks that even if we do come back, we'll hardly see each other."

"I know. But it's probably for the best. This way we can focus on James more, which is what he wants. He told me that, you know. He doesn't like it when we're caught up in other people. He wants us to be caught up in him."

"When I'm with him, he's all I think about. I don't have a problem with that."

Kendall bit his lip, unable to say the same. "I know. I'm the one with the problem, I'm always worried about everybody else."

"Well, knock it off. Don't lose James because you're too worried about me and Logan. We'll be fine."

Nodding, Kendall tried to settle Carlos more comfortably on his lap, then changed his mind. "This isn't gonna work. Stand up."

"But I'm comfy," Carlos whined.

"I'm not. Move."

Carlos sighed, obeying the command, but then Kendall laid down on the sofa and reached out for Carlos. "I hardly slept last night, and I'm tired. You?"

"Same."

"So come nap with me."

Chuckling, Carlos went to Kendall and stretched out over him, shifting until they worked into a comfortable position. "Logan would be proud of us."

"I'm not so sure about that, but he would approve of the nap."

Letting out a long breath, Carlos said, "I'm just glad we're okay. I was scared I pushed you away last night."

"You couldn't possibly do that, Carlos. If you ever need me, I'll be here."

Carlos raised his head and kissed the corner of Kendall's mouth. "I'm always gonna need you."

"Then I'll always be here. As your friend."

Carlos nodded before settling down again, closing his eyes when Kendall's arms wrapped around him. They knew their time was short, and they knew that no matter how James felt about their friendship, he wouldn't go for cuddling of this nature, so they treasured it while they still could.

* * *

><p>It was easy to find Chris, and when Logan asked if there was any way he could see James, Chris was surprised. He said that yes, it could be arranged, but asked why. Logan simply stated that he needed to talk to James, and Chris said, "Logan, if you're planning to leave, I need to know."<p>

"No, nothing like that. I promise."

Chris nodded and got a cameraman down there, Logan smiling when he saw Rich but Rich not smiling back. He hoped they hadn't been discovered and that Rich hadn't gotten into any kind of trouble for his part in the night's activities.

When the door opened, James' entire face lit up, a bright smile greeting Logan before his brain made the connection. In an instant the smile was gone, replaced by a terror so deep James was frozen.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you but-"

"No," James whispered.

Speech faltering, Logan laid a hand on James' arm. "What's wrong?" Shit, was he getting James in trouble just by being here?

"Why are you here?"

"I just...I..." Now terrified himself, Logan had one intense moment where he doubted it, doubted everything James had ever said to him and every touch and knew that last night had happened because James intended to send him home tonight.

"Are you leaving?" James whispered.

"What, no! No! Oh my god, James, no." Logan pulled James into his embrace, only now remembering Kendall mentioning this, that James had been panicked at the idea he was leaving. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-no, I'm here because I was going to call Caroline and tell her you're coming to visit and I thought maybe...if you had a minute...Jesus, you're shaking, are you okay?"

It was true, James had a death clutch on him, Logan could hardly breathe he was being squeezed so tight, and while it reassured him it also brought home the fact that Kendall was at least as important to James, since he'd had the same reaction to the fear Kendall was leaving.

"Yeah, I just...fuck. I thought you were leaving me."

Logan's heart melted, and he nuzzled his face into James' neck. "After last night? Are you kidding me?"

James grinned and released Logan, stepping back to ask, "You uh...doing okay?"

Mindful of their company as James was, Logan nodded. "I'm great. Did you want to talk to her, then? About the visit?"

"Yes! Yeah, just let me grab my wallet and my key, where's my room key, she's gonna be so excited, I wish I could be there to see her face, where the fuck is my room key!" James yelled.

"Calm down," Logan chuckled. "She's not going anywhere. Take your time."

James suddenly spun around and stormed to the door again, collecting Logan to him for a kiss that reached all the way to Logan's toes. "Don't ever scare me like that again!"

"I'm sorry! Kendall told me how scared you were when he showed up here, I should've realized. I'm sorry."

That was the wrong thing to say, and Logan sighed, frustrated with himself. James only shook his head and said, "I'll be right out. Give me a minute."

"Of course." He stepped back and the door closed, running a hand over his face.

"You alright?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, I just...I'm an idiot."

"No, the idiot thing to do would be leaving," Rich told him. "You really scared me, Logan, I thought you were taking off."

"You guys, I'm not going anywhere. Not until James sends me away."

Chris and Rich shared a look, Rich making a "pfft" sound but Chris shushing him with another look.

When the door opened once again, James was smiling. "Okay, let's do this." He took Logan's hand and greeted Chris, Logan getting the feeling he and Rich had been hanging out before Rich had been called away. Logan saw Rich reach out to squeeze James' shoulder once before hanging back with his camera, James nodding at him in silent communication, and after a short trek down the hall they were let into a large suite where some of the show's production team were gathered together.

"Will she be awake this time? She's not at school, is she?"

"No, it's Saturday." Logan couldn't stop grinning at the excitement emanating from James, who waited for Logan to put the call through and made sure it was on speaker.

"Hello?"

"Hi, mom."

"Hi, honey. Things going okay?"

"Not bad. I'll be coming home tomorrow."

"Does that mean he's coming here?"

"Yes," Logan smiled, squeezing James' hand. "He'll be there one day next week."

"Oh my goodness, Logan! I get to meet him, right?"

"Definitely," James answered, before Logan could. "I look forward to meeting you and your adorable granddaughter."

"Oh! Hello!"

"Hi," James chuckled.

"Can I talk to her, Mom?"

"Sure, but she's going to talk your ear off about the parade."

James grinned. "I can't wait to hear about it. Did you get pictures?"

"Of course I did. Hold on, let me-oh, Caroline! Yes, it's your daddy, here."

James squeezed Logan's hand again, doing this little bouncy thing on his toes, and Logan chuckled. He was almost as adorable as Caroline.

"Daddy Daddy Daddy!"

"Hey, sweetpea! How was the parade?"

"I got a award!"

"You what?"

"I had the best costume! They said so."

"Caroline, that's wonderful!"

"I was scared 'cause I couldn't be the kangaroo but I won anyway!"

"Aww, I'm so proud of you! Why couldn't you be the kangaroo?"

"Grandma said the costume was too hard. But I still won! Is James there?"

Face shining like the sun, James replied, "Right here. Congratulations, Caroline! I can't wait to see the pictures."

"Are you coming to see me?"

"I am, actually. Next week."

Logan witnessed James holding his breath, and then Caroline exploded into squeals. "I'm gonna learn flips! Grandma, I told you! Can we watch a movie together? My favorite is the Beast one!"

"_Beauty and the Beast?_" James asked. "I haven't seen that one, we can definitely watch it."

"You have to meet Sunshine! She's my pony!"

"Caroline, she's not your pony," Logan lectured. "I keep telling you."

"We can totally meet Sunshine. Anything you want, Caroline."

Logan sighed, shaking his head at James. "Quit promising her things," he hissed.

Ignoring Logan for the moment, James added, "We get one day together. Figure out what you want to do."

"Okay! Flips and Sunshine and the Beast! Daddy, when are you coming?"

"Tomorrow, pumpkin. Not with James, he'll come see us next week."

"Hurry!"

"I'll try, princess," James inserted.

"We need to go, sweetie, but I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Can't wait, I miss you so much!"

"I miss you too, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you, too. Be good for Grandma."

"Okay! Bye, James!"

"Bye, princess."

The call disconnected, James grinning hugely. "Thank you, Logan. For doing this with me."

"I knew you wouldn't want to miss it. But James, stop promising her things. You can't do that."

"I didn't promise her anything I won't follow through on."

"Anything you want?" Logan repeated. "Don't ever say that to a child! They want the world."

"Then I'll give her the world. Anything within my grasp, it's hers."

"James," Logan sighed, yet again. "I love that you want to do that for her, but you have to stop and think. What if the stable's closed that day? Here she is all excited about riding Sunshine with you, and it might not happen. Then she's devastated. You have to think before you speak."

"I'm sorry, I hear her voice and I want to give her the moon."

"It's even worse when you can see her face. Trust me, it's hard to tell a child no, but sometimes you have to. Are you ready for that?"

"I'm ready for anything, Logan. Have a little faith in me."

There it was again, that line about faith. Was Logan being unfair? "I do, it's just...you don't really understand what you're getting into."

"Then show me. Next week, show me. Let me decide if I want this, okay? Don't assume things."

"I'm not, I just really hope you get to meet Sunshine now."

Lips twisted into a smile, James said, "I met sunshine the first time I saw your face."

Logan completely crumpled, falling into James' embrace while James hugged him close. "That was so cheesy. Beautiful, but cheesy."

"I try," James grinned, pressing a kiss to Logan's hair. "And I can't wait to meet your daughter."

"I can't wait for that, either." Even though a part of Logan was terrified about the upcoming visit, the idea of seeing James in the same room with Caroline would literally be a dream come true. "Hey, what's this surprise you have for her? It's not a horse, is it?"

"No," James laughed. "And it's just that. A surprise."

"You can tell me."

"I don't need to. I'll get to deliver it in person, so you'll just have to wait."

"You're evil."

With a smile, James kissed Logan softly. "I'm not evil. I'm just a guy who hopes to win the heart of a little girl."

"By bribing her?"

James shrugged. "Whatever it takes."

"I'm warning you right now, if you're gonna be the kind of father who spoils her rotten, we're going to have a problem."

"We'll work through it. Lana always says love can work through any problem. I never believed that before, but..."

He trailed off, Logan not really needing him to continue the thought. He wouldn't have been able to anyway, though, because Logan's mouth covered his and made further speech impossible.

* * *

><p>Logan couldn't fight the smile that graced his face when he returned to the suite to find Carlos and Kendall cuddled up asleep on the sofa. Rather than wake them he went to the lobby and ordered food, taking it back up to the suite and setting the table.<p>

For a moment he stared down at the two, heart wanting to burst with the love he had come to feel for these men who loved him so much in return and had somehow managed to even while jealousy raged in their hearts. He knelt before them, taking in their tangled limbs and thinking about the fact that neither slept peacefully without the other there. What if they'd met under different circumstances? Logan didn't doubt their love for James, but if he wasn't in the picture, would their friendship have deepened into something more?

_Maybe it will. Maybe I'll end up with James and they'll allow themselves to consider the idea._

It was a wonderful vision, one that had him smiling as he leaned down to kiss Carlos' cheek, and then Kendall's. They stirred, Carlos smacking at his cheek and almost hitting Logan in the process.

"Dude, watch it!" Logan laughed, leaning away.

"Whoa, sorry." Realizing he was still on Kendall, who was now stretching under him, Carlos grinned. "Hey, sexy."

Kendall's lips widened. "I think that's you. You should see this guy dance, Logan."

"I have. I want to hear more about _you_ dancing."

"He's hot, Logan," Carlos commented, sitting up. "Once he lets his guard down, those hips are insane."

"Whatever." Kendall sat up, too, lifting his nose to the sky. "I smell food."

"Yeah, I got us lunch." Gesturing toward the table, Logan asked, "So are you two okay now? I was sensing some weird vibes earlier."

"We're great," Carlos replied, sliding onto a chair at the table and digging in. "We're both going kind of crazy here, though. We need to get home for a while and clear our heads."

"Agreed." From his seat next to Carlos, Kendall snagged one of his fries, earning a slap on the wrist. "Ow!"

"Don't touch my fries, then."

"Mine are cold."

"You're such a baby," Carlos remarked fondly, lifting his plate to scoop some French fries onto Kendall's.

At least the weirdness was gone, from what Logan could see. He joined them, nodding when Kendall asked if he'd been successful on his mission. "Caroline is ecstatic. And of course James promised her the world. I'm gonna kill him."

"Aww." Kendall took a bite of his burger, wiping his mouth before saying, "Listen, I'm sorry about my attitude earlier. I'm at my breaking point and when I saw your hickey, my jealousy got the better of me."

Completely lost, Carlos held up a hand. "Okay, back up. James talked to Caroline again? And you have a hickey? From James?"

"Who else, Carlos? You think I'm sneaking around smooching Ryan?"

"No, I just...wow."

Logan felt a sliver of guilt, knowing Carlos was thinking about his lack of make-out time with James. Hoping to divert Carlos, he said, "I went to see if James wanted to tell Caroline himself that he was coming to visit."

"And he did?"

"Yes. He was excited about it once he understood I wasn't there to say goodbye. You weren't kidding, Kendall; he freaked out when I showed up."

"Yeah, I should've warned you. I wonder if we should send Carlos to him and see how he reacts. Get a feel for his intentions toward Carlos."

"Absolutely not!" Logan argued. "James is going through enough without us making it harder!"

Kendall only shrugged, continuing to eat.

"Can I see it? The hickey?"

Rolling his eyes, Logan pulled his collar away from his neck.

"Damn," Carlos marveled. "Where did he do that? The beach?"

"No, the statue."

"Were you guys all alone?"

"Uh, no," Logan blushed. "I can't seem to fight him, not even when there are people around. I just kind of...lose myself."

Kendall chewed slowly as he studied Logan, then rejoined the conversation. "He likes that."

"I know."

"No, I mean, that's one of the problems he had with me. I'm always worried about hurting everyone's feelings. Especially you guys."

"I worry about it, too, but the second he touches me...I don't know. Something happens to my brain. I lose it."

They turned to Carlos, silently questioning. He shrugged. "I never had that problem, if anything he's the one telling me to slow down and talk more."

"That's because you're always all over him," Logan teased.

"Hey, I might not win this thing. Gotta get it while you can, man."

Though Logan chuckled, he grew serious after a moment. "That's exactly how I feel. I wanted to get whatever I could out of yesterday, because I truly do feel like what we have is going to end next week."

Kendall shook his head. "Dude, you have to stop thinking like that or you'll ruin it yourself. He hates it when we assume about him, remember? He seems to be willing to give this a try."

"I'm telling you, he has no idea what he's getting into."

"Maybe that's true," Carlos pointed out, "but who says once he does know that he's not gonna want it?"

"I just...can't see it happening that way."

"Open mind, Logan," Kendall lectured. "_He's_ keeping one, give him that same courtesy."

Logan sighed, pushing away his mostly empty plate. "Caroline's going to get attached to him. The only reason I'm okay with that is because I know he'll still see her when this is over. No matter who he ends up with, he's still going to be my friend."

"Once you get over the hurt you talked about," Carlos reminded him. "Won't that be hard, watching the show and seeing it all again?"

Logan felt a little sick to his stomach at the thought of watching his dates with James and being flooded with feelings and memories of a time that was amazing to him but he'd never have back. "I'll manage. For Caroline, if nothing else."

Kendall leaned back in his chair, studying Logan. "Just how far did you two go last night?"

"Kendall, you said we were done with the jealousy."

"No, that's not exactly what I said, but I'm not asking out of jealousy. I'm curious. He always manages to stop before we go too far. Is it the same with you?"

Uncomfortable now, Logan shrugged.

"Come on, Logan," Carlos urged. "We agreed, open books."

"Look, I'll say this. We went further than we should have. You don't need specifics."

Carlos blinked, mouth dropping slowly. "Holy shit, you got fucked. No wonder you're glowing."

Kendall crossed his arms over his chest. "Unbelievable," he said in a low voice.

"Guys, I didn't say-"

"Oh, cut the bullshit, Logan." Kendall stood up, mouth a grim line. "We're not stupid."

Logan wanted to scream in frustration. Did they not understand there was a camera recording their every word and this could get him kicked off? He hated lying to them, but was there really any choice? "Guys! We didn't have sex! Calm down!"

"Then what did you do?" Carlos wanted to know.

"Just fooled around a little. I'm sorry, I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by. I just wanted one night to know what it's like with a guy, I've never had that! I'm sorry!"

"Logan..." Kendall sighed, sinking into the chair next to Carlos again. "Don't be sorry. We're just jealous, because we both want that so badly. If he didn't stop with me every time, we probably would've fucked by now."

"Exactly," Carlos agreed. "We don't blame you for fooling around. I'm kind of surprised that out of all of us, you're the aggressive one."

"Yeah, well...I never have been before."

"Funny what love can bring out in a person, isn't it?" Kendall mused.

"So he stops with you, too, Kendall?" Carlos questioned.

Nodding, Kendall remarked, "I guess Logan's special."

While it wasn't said with heat, Logan sensed that Kendall wasn't exactly happy about it, either. "It might not just be me, guys. Who knows what happens with Ryan and Mike."

"He still doesn't touch Ryan."

"How do you know, Carlos? We haven't seen them together lately."

"I just don't think he does."

"I think Carlos is right," Kendall remarked. "I don't think he loses it with anyone else."

"If you're trying to make me feel guilty-"

"I'm not." Reaching out to squeeze Logan's hand, Kendall continued, "You shouldn't feel guilty. But understand that we're going to be jealous. You would be, too, in our position."

"I know. I still wish this was over already so we could move on with our lives—with or without James. And yet I never want it to end because I'm so sure I won't end up with him."

Kendall sighed. "Alright, Logan, I'm gonna be honest here. Since this is our last day together, I think we should all be honest." He pulled his arm back from where it had been draped over Carlos' shoulders and leaned onto the table, shoving his plate away and resting his elbows in its place. "Carlos. How do you feel about your chances?"

"Well, I was feeling pretty damn good until hearing that Logan got fucked."

"Carlos, I did not get fucked! Will you shut up?"

"Might as well have. My point is that I thought James and I had something powerful, even if it's not as...whatever it is you guys have going. After my date, I would've sworn I had it won."

The other two nodded, remembering Carlos stating something of that nature.

"But now...I think Logan's got this. Kendall?"

"I'm feeling what you are. I thought I still had a shot, and a good one, until hearing that James fooled around with you, Logan. Because we have our moments where neither of us wants to stop, but we always do in the end. I think it's significant that you two don't."

Logan bit his lip, torn between wishing he could tell them everything and praying they never found out; surely they'd hate him.

"But here's the truth," Kendall continued. "I still think I have a chance. I know where I screwed up with him, and I've already started fixing it. I'm going to spend the next few weeks playing catch-up, and I know what he likes. We definitely have a connection, and I think what's hurt us most is the lack of time we've had together. That's going to change next week, we'll have another day where he thinks of only me and I intend to take advantage of that. I may not win this thing, but it won't be for lack of trying. I'm sorry, Logan, but I'm not giving up."

"I wouldn't expect you to," Logan replied, heart sinking a little. He knew Kendall had it in him to win James back, especially without Carlos around as a distraction.

"How much time is really left?" Carlos asked quietly. "I can't remember how this works from here on out."

"We have the date next week," Logan answered. "At home. Then he eliminates one. That leaves three of us, and we have the overnight dates."

"If he chooses to take us to bed," Kendall inserted.

"Right. Then one more goes home. And...that's it. The final week is when he proposes."

Carlos pursed his lips. "But how many dates does that leave?"

"Including the hometown, three. That's three more chances to make him feel like he can't live without you."

"And one of those isn't even alone time, it's time with the family," Kendall reminded them.

"And don't forget, that can change everything, too."

"What do you mean, Logan?" Carlos wondered.

"If he hates your family, there goes your chance. I saw it happen once before, there was this girl who was totally his favorite, and everybody thought she'd win, but then he went to meet her family and realized he couldn't live with her because her parents were overbearing and demanding that they not move in together before marriage. And the dad had a long talk with the bachelor guy and basically scared him away."

"I doubt any of us have to worry about that," Kendall argued. "All our families are supportive, right?"

"Yes," Logan replied, "but in my case it could be Caroline that scares him away. In yours it could be the sister you told us about. For Carlos, who knows? The dogs? His brother?"

"Shit, I bet Chachi barks at him the whole time he's there. If that little bitch ruins my chances with James, he's gone."

"Yeah, right." Kendall pulled Carlos against him with a chuckle. "You wouldn't send Chachi away any more than I'd send you away."

"Are you saying I'm a little bitch to you, Kendall?"

"I'm saying not even James can keep me away from you."

Something changed in Carlos' eyes, quickening Kendall's heartbeat as his fingers dug into Carlos' shoulder, but then Carlos was up and lifting their empty plates and the moment was gone. Logan had that thought again, wondering if things would be different if James wasn't in the picture, but decided it wasn't his business. It didn't matter, because James _was_ in the picture, and that changed everything.

"I think you should do the same as Kendall, Carlos. Spend the next few weeks doing what you do best, throwing yourself at him and showing him that he's what matters to you. That seems to be what he wants most."

Agreeing with Logan's words, Carlos nodded. "That's my plan. So you two need to watch out, because I'm kicking it up a notch. Or twenty. Balls to the wall, baby." Setting their plates in the sink, Carlos said, "James is mine, and you all need to get used to it."

It was a mark of how much they loved him that both Logan and Kendall smiled at the words. That was the Carlos they remembered from the first weeks, before everyone had been beaten down by the stress and pressure brought on by this torturous game.

Kendall turned to Logan with an eyebrow raised. "You haven't given up, have you?"

"Of course not. I love him."

"And we all still agree we want our friendship to last once this is over?"

"Hell yeah!" Carlos exclaimed on his way out of the kitchen. "I'm not losing you two."

"I agree. I'll deal with the pain because I love you guys and because Caroline will benefit from having you both in her life."

"Seriously?" Kendall asked in surprise.

"Yes. She can't wait to meet Carlos, and all I was able to tell her about you is that you play hockey. Mom told me last week she asked to watch a hockey game. She's not used to me having friends, doesn't meet anyone outside of school, and that's probably a mistake on my part. I've been sheltering her a bit too much. So definitely, it's worth the immediate pain of seeing James with someone else to keep you guys in my life."

"Because that pain will pass," Carlos reasoned.

Logan wasn't too sure about that, but he knew it would at least dull over time. "So yes, I want this friendship to last."

Kendall nodded. "Okay, we're all in agreement, then. Each man for himself, and may the best man win. And no hard feelings. Right?"

"Right." Carlos put out a hand, Kendall smiling before laying his on top of it. They looked at Logan expectantly.

After a brief hesitation, he laid his hand on top of Kendall's and said, "To love."

Carlos echoed the sentiment, Kendall doing the same but adding, "And friendship."

"And friendship," Carlos and Logan said in unison, and then they were in a three-man group hug, holding each other tight and fearing what the future would bring.

* * *

><p>Everyone met up in the main suite in the evening, having packed their bags in order to be prepared for their next destination—whether it be home or some strange place of exile the show sent them to until the game was over. All but Logan were nervous, though Logan was in fear himself of saying goodbye to one of his buddies. Then again, at this point it was basically goodbye no matter who remained for the final weeks.<p>

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were squeezed onto a sofa all holding hands, beyond caring at this point what anyone else might think, though Kendall smiled when he noted Ryan and Mike were clasping hands on the loveseat across from them. The five tried to keep up a conversation that was light, downing liquor to calm their nerves, but still when Chris entered the room they all froze, their stomachs clenching. James was near.

"Hi, guys, how you feeling tonight?"

Everybody mumbled something but nobody smiled, hoping they'd get at least a few minutes with James to seal their fate.

"Alright, I can see you're all nervous, and that actually makes this a little easier. Normally we have the cocktail party before the ceremony, but James has requested we skip that tonight in order to spare you guys the torture of waiting. He's made his decision and says that no amount of talking is going to change it, so he'd rather put you all out of your misery and send you home to your families as soon as possible. Except of course the one who isn't chosen; that person will return to the mansion in L.A. for the duration of this contest."

Well, at least they had an answer to that question. "Is that where everyone is?" Carlos asked. "The ones who already left?"

"With the exception of Jerry, yes."

Remembering that Jerry hadn't "made things easy" on James, Logan wondered what had happened between them. "So that's what happens when we're eliminated? We'll be sent back to L.A.?"

"Yes."

"You can't send Logan home to his daughter?" Kendall questioned.

"No, I'm sorry. You all signed a contract that covered this."

Yes, they had, but none of them had thought it through as they should have. It had been worth the price for the chance to find love.

"So if you'll follow me, James is waiting."

Chris headed out of the room, the three standing with their hands still clasped, and suddenly Mike's hand was in Carlos'. Ryan reached out to Logan, and they stood in a circle staring at each other in fear.

"Good luck, guys," Ryan said.

Arms slid around shoulders and waists until they were hugging tight, and then they broke apart to find Chris watching them with a smile. "Come on. It's time. I wish you all luck."

This time when they stood together in a semi-circle, there wasn't even an attempt to hide the hand-holding. Carlos joined hands with Mike to complete their bond, and when James entered the room and caught sight of all of them he simply stared at their hands, taking in the sight before inhaling a deep breath and moving to the podium that held the three roses. There was absolutely no reason for Logan to be in their midst rather than off to the side, being safe from elimination, but James said nothing to address it.

"Each week this seems to get harder, and I can only imagine it's going to continue to kill me more as time goes on. All of you are so special to me. I don't want to say goodbye to any of you, especially if it means I'll never see you again, but I don't have a choice. I'm here to find the man I belong with, and only one of you can be that in my life. I'm sorry. I've become a better person for knowing each of you."

He took a moment to breathe, panning his eyes over them before lifting the first rose. "Kendall."

A loud sigh of relief left him, Carlos and Logan releasing their grips to allow Kendall to step forward. He smiled at James, silently thanking him and showing with his eyes how much it meant that James was willing to give him another chance, and James leaned in to press his lips to Kendall's briefly. "Will you accept this rose?"

"Yes," Kendall whispered, heart thundering as James fastened the rose to his lapel.

Logan felt his stomach turn over, shocked by the violent jealousy that rocked him from that simple touching of lips between James and Kendall. Carlos' hand reached across the space and gripped his, squeezing hard to get his attention. "I'm fine," Logan whispered, and then as Kendall started to step away James pulled him back and kissed him harder, Kendall once again going with it even though it made him feel like an ass.

There was no thought, only reaction, as Logan stepped out of line, wrenching his hand out of Carlos' when Carlos tried to keep him there. He walked right past Kendall and James and kept going until he was out of the room, not stopping until he'd made it through the lobby and into open air where he could breathe again.

When Kendall stepped away his first instinct was to go after Logan, but he resisted it. Logan was a big boy, and more importantly this was exactly what James spoke of when he questioned Kendall's loyalty. Even though his heart was screaming to run to Logan and provide consolation and an apology, he returned to the line and took Carlos' hand in his.

One corner of James' lip was turned up into a smirk as he picked up the next rose. "Ryan."

The blood constricted in Kendall's hand as Carlos squeezed it to death, cutting off the circulation. Kendall didn't mind at all, feeling the trepidation that Carlos was. When Ryan stepped forward and accepted the rose, Kendall leaned over to whisper, "You're sexy and amazing and perfect. You got this."

Carlos smiled up at Kendall as Ryan returned to the line, Kendall winking in return before their attention was once again on James. Looking as if it pained him to say it, James' final word was, "Carlos."

"Yes! Yes yes yes thank you, James, thank you!" In two seconds Carlos had tackled James, James laughing as Carlos wrapped his arms and legs around him and struggling to remain standing.

"Calm down, dude, I almost hit the floor."

"That's okay, it makes the next step easier."

James rolled his eyes and set Carlos on the ground. "Stand still so I can do this."

Kendall looked to his right, his heart squeezing at the sight of Mike enfolded in Ryan's arms and Ryan whispering to him. Mike nodded at something Ryan said and then Carlos was back in line.

Chris entered the room to address the small group. "Mike, say your goodbyes to everyone and when you're ready, there's a limo waiting for you out front."

Ryan hugged him tighter, apologizing, but when Mike stepped back he was smiling. "I kept telling you the cuter one of us would win, didn't I?"

Ryan chuckled and let his arms drop. "Get out of here, you dork."

Mike hugged both Carlos and Kendall. "Tell Logan I said goodbye and it was great to meet him?"

"You got it," Kendall answered. "Take care, buddy."

James was waiting with an outstretched hand. "Can I walk you out?"

"Sure," Mike smiled, and it was a sad smile but Kendall had to admire his poise.

"You okay?" Carlos asked Ryan once they had stepped out.

"No, I'm really not. But I'm going home, and moving forward, and no offense to you guys, but I'm ready to win this thing."

Kendall and Carlos nodded, understanding his feelings completely.

* * *

><p>Logan sensed James before he saw him, feeling that pull as he stared out at the passing cars on the street. Looking to his left he saw James approaching with Mike and realized they were heading toward the limo he hadn't even noticed until this moment.<p>

_Ah, Mike. I'm so sorry._

But that meant Carlos was still here, and as horrible as Logan felt thinking it, he was relieved. Carlos deserved a chance to win James over, and that petty, jealous part of him he'd never known existed before was aware that as long as Carlos was in the game, Kendall's head wouldn't be completely focused.

_Stop that. These are your best friends. No hard feelings._

James hadn't given any indication that he'd noticed Logan at all, but the moment Mike's limo pulled away Logan felt those eyes piercing him. Even through his raging jealousy and hurt, Logan was drawn to James, who held out a hand waiting for him.

Feeling a fool Logan went anyway, James' touch calming the storm that swirled inside him. "I'm sorry."

"Can we talk about it?" James asked as he led Logan back toward the hotel.

"I'd rather not. Can we just forget it happened?"

"Absolutely not." James' voice was soft, as tender as his touch had been the night before and Logan couldn't believe only a day had passed since his perfect evening. "Was it me kissing Kendall? Is that what did it?"

"I don't think it mattered that it was Kendall, to be honest."

"So...me kissing anyone who isn't you?"

Logan shrugged, not wanting to admit he felt such intense possessiveness in a situation where jealousy was pointless.

"Would it help if I kissed you?"

"James, you don't have to-"

"But I want to."

They stopped just outside the lobby doors, James' lips gentle on Logan's and his hand cupping Logan's cheek. Logan sank into the kiss, needing it like he needed air, and kissed James deeper before whispering, "I can't stand the thought of you belonging to anyone else. Not after last night."

"Shh." James kissed him again, cutting off any further words, and when Logan was dizzy with it James pulled back. "We need to get back in there."

"Yeah."

"I won't see you again until next week. Promise me you won't convince yourself to give up on me."

"I'm not going to-"

"Promise me."

Those hazel eyes pierced him again, pinning him in place. "I promise. Caroline has to get her surprise, right?"

"Yes. She does. Don't forget that. And don't forget that while there are a lot of things I can't say, I mean what I do."

"Okay."

James allowed himself one more kiss, his grip on Logan's arms as desperate as Logan's on his hips, and Logan managed three words before James moved away. "I love you."

"I know."

Very aware of the ever-present Rich tailing them, Logan let James lead him into the hotel.

* * *

><p>Kendall's smile died when Logan and James entered the room together, Logan's hand secure in James'. He and Carlos had been laughing together, trying to cheer Ryan up somewhat, but something in the way they looked at each other struck a chord and he wondered again if Logan had been lying about how far they'd gone.<p>

Remembering that he and Carlos had kept an enormous secret from Logan, though, Kendall didn't allow himself to dwell on it. What had happened up to this point didn't matter—it was all about what would happen from now on.

Carlos grabbed James' hand as he joined them, James not releasing Logan's.

"You guys all ready for me to invade your homes?"

"I can't wait. I'll warn Chachi to be on his best behavior."

Kendall chuckled. "I can't wait to meet this dog. I really do imagine he's just like you."

"He's annoying."

"You just proved my point."

Carlos smacked Kendall's arm, Kendall rubbing it but laughing.

Chris informed them that their luggage was already loaded into a van that waited for them, and after James hugged each of them he disappeared to find his own transportation.

Carlos cuddled into Kendall the entire ride to the airport, neither of them speaking much at all but Kendall's hand keeping Carlos' head pressed to his shoulder. Logan and Ryan sat in the seats in front of them, both lost in their own thoughts as well.

After going through the nightmare of customs, the four were shuffled onto a plane headed for the United States. They all slept for much of the flight, Carlos once again wrapped up in Kendall as well as he was able in their current positions, and each time Kendall awoke to see that Carlos was still there, he sighed with relief. As badly as he wanted to get away from Carlos, the thought of it sent him into a panic that he wasn't willing to acknowledge. It wasn't that he couldn't live without Carlos, it was more that he would worry. He kept running Logan's words through his head, reminding himself that Carlos had survived just fine before knowing them and would do the same now, but it wasn't helping. If only they would allow him to call Carlos, check on him each day, then he wouldn't be so ridiculous about all of this.

_He's fine. He's got his family, he's got his dogs, and he's got James. He's going to be focused on nothing but James the moment we say goodbye, and that's how it should be. He's James' concern now—not mine._

Still, when Kendall realized they'd be arriving in the U.S. soon, he tilted Carlos' chin up and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. It was dark, Logan and Ryan were asleep, and there were blessedly no cameras following them.

Having only been dozing, Carlos opened his eyes, his lips curving up. "What was that for?"

"Because I'll never get to do it again."

Carlos reached up to pull Kendall's face back to his, Kendall not fighting the kiss that was longer than it should've been and really shouldn't have existed at all. "Once I step off this plane it's all about James."

"I know." Kendall kissed him again, deepening it, and though he kept telling himself it needed to stop, that it was only going to to make things more difficult, he couldn't seem to control the hunger that kept him glued to Carlos.

The cabin lights flipped on suddenly, the two of them breaking apart as if burned, and they managed to compose themselves as Logan and Ryan woke to hear the announcement of their final descent.

There was another round of hugs before they each had to split up for their separate flights. They stood in the crowded airport, all of them feeling separation anxiety at the idea of returning to their lives after being away for so long, though in Logan's case he was more anxious to return to his pumpkin.

Ryan left first, Logan smiling at the other two. "See you in a week for the next ceremony."

"We'll be there," Carlos grinned.

"I love you guys," Kendall said suddenly. "I don't think I've ever said it, but...I love you both."

Logan hugged Kendall tight, whispering, "He'll be fine. I promise."

"I know. I keep telling myself that."

"As much as it kills me to say it...good luck with James."

"You too, Logan. Whoever's meant to be with him, right?"

"Right."

"Guys, do I get a hug or are you gonna hog each other?"

Logan rolled his eyes but pulled Carlos into their hug, kissing his cheek. "I'm gonna miss you."

"Yeah, same here." He lifted up onto his toes and kissed Kendall's cheek. "Bye, sexy."

Kendall laughed. "Goodbye, you little shit. Take care of yourself."

"I always do."

Having said all there really was to say and knowing they were only prolonging the inevitable, they finally all broke apart.

"To James," Logan said.

Carlos nodded. "To James."

"Definitely," Kendall added. "It's on, boys. May the best man win."

"Don't worry, I plan to."

Both Logan and Kendall smacked Carlos, the three laughing as they headed off into different directions with a last wave at each other.

All of them were thinking of James as they boarded their final flights, more determined than ever to win his heart.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Two things I keep getting asked:

1) Am I going to finish "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"? Yes. When this story is done.

2) How many more chapters is this story? When I counted the other day, I came up with at least ten. So while we're definitely getting down to the wire, each date with James is going to take up an entire chapter. Plus the final proposal and the aftermath of all that. So there's still plenty to go.

Here's the first of the hometown dates. While I won't tell you what James is thinking, I will say that getting away from everyone (namely Logan) has helped clear his head some. It's done the same for all of them, and they're putting it all in perspective now that they're outside the competition and away from each other. A lot of thinking going on between the last chapter and this one.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Doing her best to ignore the small camera crew that was setting up around the house, Carlos' mom reached out to grab his arm as he passed. "Carlitos. Relax. The place looks great."<p>

"Chachi keeps dragging out his toys, how does he find them every time? Chachi!" he yelled suddenly, rushing from the kitchen to the dining room, where Chachi was currently laying on his stomach and chewing on a mangled Ken doll. "Give me that!"

Chachi growled when Carlos attempted to pull it away, Carlos snagging it anyway. "No! No more Kendall!" He blinked, it being the first time he'd uttered the word out loud in days. "_Doll_. I mean _doll_. Fuck."

"Honey, you have to calm down. Either he'll love us or he won't."

"I just hope Paul doesn't ruin this. Please Mom, tell him to behave. Beg him, this is so important to me. James is so amazing. I have stiff competition and this has to be perfect. Please."

"Your brother has already been warned, and I guarantee Sandra will keep him in line. Where is she, anyway? She promised to help me cook dinner."

Picking up Chachi, Carlos tilted his chin up and looked him in the eyes. "Listen, buddy. If I have to choose, James will win. Don't make me send you over to Paul's for the rest of your life. He doesn't like you."

Chachi whined as if he understood, squirming in Carlos' arms.

"I'm going to put you guys in the room for a while. But don't worry, you'll get to meet him."

"I'm not sure that's wise, Carlos. You know they'll just whine to be let out, and honestly James needs to know what he's getting into. If he lives with you, the dogs will bombard him every time he walks through the door. He should know what it's really like."

"What's wrong with easing him into it?"

Sylvia wiped her hands on a dishtowel, raising an eyebrow at her son. "Nothing with you is 'easing in.' You're like a freight train, honey. And that's not a dig, it's the truth. If he doesn't know that about you by now, then I don't think it's going to work anyway."

Carlos smiled, dropping Chachi to let him play. "I guess you're right. I'm not going to change for him, then I'd never be happy. Can I help you with the enchiladas? I need something to focus on."

"Sure. Chop up those onions, I'll get started grating the cheese." Once Carlos was busy at the task, she said, "Now. Tell me about James. What makes him so amazing?"

"God, Mom, what doesn't? I have so much fun with him, our dates were perfect. I told you about them, the camping, the skydiving, Disneyland, The Fonz. _The Fonz_, Mom! Did I show you the picture?"

"Only about a hundred times," she chuckled. "How does he make you feel?"

"Good. Really good. He makes me laugh and he doesn't make fun of me for acting like a kid. Did I mention he's gorgeous?"

"I saw the pictures, yes. Very handsome. And he treats you well?"

"Like a king. He knows what I like and exactly where to take me and he likes the same things and we just have so much fun together!"

"That's good, that's important in a husband. And without getting too personal, does he satisfy you in other areas?"

Carlos grinned, only slightly embarrassed. "We haven't gone too far yet. If I make it through this round, I'll get a sex date. Really want that."

"I'll bet," she laughed. "But when you kiss, there's that spark?"

"Yeah, I mean, when he kisses me I don't want it to end. He's got magic lips. And he knows how to dance, which is awesome. I love dancing."

"I know. What matters most to your father and me is that he loves you and treats you right. You deserve to be treated like a king, taken care of for once. Does he understand the demands of your business?"

"Yes, he's got a high pressure job, too. That's what's cool, it would work. He'd probably travel a lot and that would be hard, but I'm used to it. And he said he's cutting back on the modeling anyway."

"Give me those, you're a blubbering mess." Sylvia picked up the pile of onions Carlos had chopped and dropped the pieces into a bowl.

"What the hell is this, is that asshole making you cry already?"

Carlos rolled his eyes before addressing his brother, who had entered the house without anyone hearing him. "I was chopping onions. He's not here yet. Chachi, you didn't even warn me someone came in. What kind of guard dog are you?"

Chachi's ears perked up and he stared at his owner for a few seconds before returning his attention to the doll, which was trapped under his paws.

"Weird," Sandra commented, "he usually bites Paul's head off when we walk in. What is he...Carlos, is that Gabriela's Barbie?"

"Yeah, about that..."

"I've been looking for that for weeks! When did Chachi get it?"

Paul kissed his mother on the cheek before reaching past her to grab a beer from the fridge. "I told you, Sandra, you can't let the kids bring their toys over here. Chachi probably stole that when we were here to check on the dogs one day."

"You're welcome to take it back," Carlos offered, "but it's pretty chewed up. It's his new favorite toy, I can't get him to leave it alone."

"Throw it in the trash," his mother suggested.

"He just digs it out. Where's Papi, I'm getting nervous. James will be here soon."

"He's coming, sweetie. He called while you were doing another check of the house, he got caught up on a call but he's about to leave. Using his flashing lights and everything so he's not late."

"Okay, good. Paul...dude, James means a lot to me. More than any guy ever has. I love him, okay? Please give him a chance and don't scare him away. Please."

Paul sighed and placed his hands on his hips, ignoring it when his wife swatted him as she passed on her way into the kitchen. "Carlitos, I'm an asshole to your boyfriends because I care. If this guy isn't right for you, I'm gonna let you know."

"Fine, but wait until he leaves? He's perfect, I want it to work out so badly. The other guys he's visiting, they're amazing and he cares about them a lot and if it comes down to him having to choose based on family, I don't want to be the one who gets shafted. I want this to work."

"Honey, I keep telling you. If it's meant to be-"

"It will be. I know, Mom. But let's make it easier for that to happen, okay? What are _you_ looking at, Chachi? Everyone else is behaving, playing out back like I told them to, but you have to be in here raising hell. You just don't know how to be ignored, do you?"

Chachi barked once, ran over to his water dish (because of course he had his very own and refused to drink out of the huge community bowl), then ran back to get the doll before returning to the water. He'd seen Carlos make a move toward the Ken doll and killed that idea in a flash. He lapped up the water, one paw resting on the belly of the toy in case Carlos got any funny ideas, then laid down on the floor with his chin over the doll's torso.

"Sorry, Sandra. You're never getting that toy back."

"It's okay. I bought her a new, shinier version. She'll get used to it eventually, but right now she keeps crying for the familiar one. Kids are so weird."

Staring down at Chachi, who seemed content for the time being, Carlos couldn't agree more.

* * *

><p>When a limo rolled up to the curb, Paul whistled. "Dude's got money," he remarked as he peeked around the curtain.<p>

"Paul, I'm sure the show provides everything," their mother commented as she joined them in the living room, having just put the enchiladas in the oven. "Sandra, will you help me with the rest of dinner while Carlos and James are out at the restaurant?"

"Of course! We would've been here sooner but my husband had to respond to an emergency at the downtown location. I can't wait until Carlos can take that stuff over again."

"Uh oh, an emergency?" Carlos had overheard the last part after letting the dogs in, following them all into the room as they scampered toward the front windows. "Guys, off the couch! What's going on out there?"

"Oh, nothing," Paul answered nonchalantly. "Just your future husband arriving."

"What? Oh my god!" Carlos rushed to the door, flinging it open before running down the sidewalk to tackle James as he stepped out of the limo. Having his hands full, James returned the hug awkwardly but laughed when Carlos' body surrounded him.

"James! I missed you so much! Hi!"

"Hey, you. Missed you, too." Carlos was pelting his face and neck with kisses, making "muah" sounds each time his lips made contact. He hugged Carlos tight, though, before setting him down gently.

"You brought me flowers and wine?"

"No, dork, the flowers are for your mom. The wine's for...whatever."

"Oh. That's cool, I guess."

"Look at you, trying not to pout. You're so adorable."

"I'm just happy to see you. You look so damn good, James." Carlos drank him in, golden highlights shining in the sun as his eyes sparkled with joy at seeing Carlos again. He wore black jeans and a white t-shirt underneath a leather jacket, thick black boots completing the look. Carlos was reminded of someone but couldn't put his finger on it. "I think you got hotter."

James grinned, stowing the bottle under one arm so he could reach into an inner pocket of his jacket. "I did manage to bring you _something_, though. If you don't like it, I'll give you the wine instead and give this to your family."

"What is it?"

"It's a tiny bit bent after being in my pocket, but hopefully it's still-"

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, JAMES! OH MY GOD!" Carlos took the autographed photo and ran with it to the house, screaming for his mother. James chuckled as he watched Carlos go, taking his time to reach the door.

"Mom! Mom, look! It's Fonzie! I got Fonzie's autograph!" Carlos shoved it in her face, doing a happy dance while she studied it.

"Oh my goodness, this is even better than the one I tried to forge for you when you were a kid."

Standing just inside the door, James smirked. "Probably because that one's real."

Everyone looked up, Carlos rushing to James again to tackle him while four large dogs surrounded them and vied for attention.

"Hello, James. I'm Sylvia, Carlos' mother." She had risen from her seat, stepping forward to shake his hand, and finally Carlos stepped back to allow James time to meet his family.

"Very nice to meet you," James replied, holding out the colorful bouquet after their hands dropped. "These are for you."

"Aww, you didn't have to. But they're gorgeous. Thank you."

Paul stood up, holding out his own hand. "Hey, I'm Paul. I'm the asshole brother you probably heard about."

"Actually, what I heard about you is that you were handling the business for Carlos while he's been away. He's grateful for that."

Paul's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Seriously? Why doesn't _he_ ever tell me that?"

"Okay, so maybe I've never _officially_ thanked you," Carlos admitted, "but I do appreciate it." He went back to studying the photo, face filled with happiness.

"And this is my wife, Sandra," Paul said with an arm around his wife's waist.

"A pleasure to meet you, Sandra. Had I known you'd be here, I would have brought you flowers as well."

"Oh, it's fine. I'll take the wine, though, and get that chilled in time for dinner. I suppose it'll go with enchiladas."

"Enchiladas? Homemade?"

Sylvia nodded. "We pulled out all the stops for dinner tonight."

"So I'm already in love with your family, Carlos."

They all laughed, Sandra taking the bottle from James while Sylvia went to find a vase for the flowers. Up until this point, James had been doing a remarkable job of ignoring the four dogs jumping at him, but now he bent down to give them proper attention.

"Okay, who all do we have here? Which one of you is the infamous Chachi?"

"None of them," Paul answered. "I don't know where he went. Carlos, what is up with that dog today? He's usually pissy with all of us."

"I don't even know. I think he's still in the kitchen glued to that Kendall."

James' head whipped up suddenly, eyes piercing Carlos.

"I mean _Ken doll_. Jesus, I can't even think straight right now, I'm so nervous."

"Hey," James said softly, rising to place a soft kiss on Carlos' lips. "Don't be. It's just me. You've got me all day, nobody glaring at us or hating you for throwing yourself at me, so just relax and enjoy it. I've missed you like crazy."

Carlos smiled, sliding his arms around James to hug him tight. "I missed you, too. You always smell so good, how do you do that?"

"Highly coveted secret, like your hot dog recipe," James joked. "Do you want to put that picture somewhere so it doesn't get ruined?"

"Yes!" Carlos pulled back, staring at it again before glancing up at James. "That's who you remind me of! You're dressed just like The Fonz! Was that on purpose?"

James looked down at his clothing. "No, actually. I didn't even realize. See? I'm your hero without even trying."

"Yeah, you are," Carlos grinned, rising up to kiss him once more before stating, "I'll be right back. I'm gonna put this in my room."

"Can I get you a beer or something?" Paul asked when Carlos was gone.

"Uh...are we gonna be here long or does he have something planned for me?"

"I think he's taking you to see the restaurant. Mom said they want you to have an idea what his life is like. He's just not allowed to work, or to really talk to anyone there. So don't let him, make sure he doesn't get pulled away from you because when they see him, they'll try to."

"Got it. I'll pass on the beer, then. Been dying for those hot dogs, he made me some on our first date and I get these insane cravings."

"Yeah, that's how it usually works. I've been eating them for years and I'm still not sick of them. People offer me big money for the recipe."

"Surely you don't cave."

"Not once. It's Carlos' business, but we all benefit from it and help him out when we can. He really said he was grateful to me?"

"Well, he said he was nervous about leaving you in charge, but I didn't get the feeling it was anything about you, more that he'd never left it for any length of time."

"Yeah, the hot dogs and his real dogs, that's basically all there is to Carlos. He needs someone who can help him enjoy life, take a break from it once in a while. And now that he knows I'm capable, maybe he'll let me help out more so he can have a life."

Carlos returned, still smiling but this time holding Chachi. "_This_ is the little shit. Chachi, meet James."

James couldn't help but snicker over the tiny thing in Carlos' arms. After the little bit he'd heard, he imagined Chachi a bigger dog, or at least more aggressive. The animal was basking in Carlos' touch, tongue hanging out and happy. "Well, hello there. I hear you cause a lot of trouble for your master." When James reached out to take Chachi, Carlos allowed it, Chachi squirming slightly but not exactly fighting the hold. "He's so calm."

"That's what I was talking about," Paul inserted. "Usually he's a little fireball, bitching at everyone. Why is he so happy, Carlos? That dog is never happy."

"Probably because I'm home. He missed me, even though he likes to act like he doesn't care. Come here, you little shit." Chachi snuggled into Carlos, definitely content. "So, James. You ready to go see what I do every day?"

"I am. Do I get hot dogs out of it?"

"If you're lucky. I can't believe Papi's not here yet. Mom! Where's Papi?"

"On his way, honey! He's coming from a fatality, so he probably didn't get to leave right away like he wanted."

James blanched. "A...fatality?"

"He's a cop. Sees a lot of death, unfortunately. But that just makes him love life more."

"Sounds like someone else I know." Smiling, James kissed Carlos' cheek, jumping back when Chachi growled. "Really? You've got a problem with me kissing him?" James leaned in again, this time going for the lips, and Chachi snapped at him. "Damn!"

"Chachi, no!" Carlos set him down, the dog sticking by his side. "He gets jealous. Doesn't like me paying attention to anyone else. Even the other dogs. I'm sorry. He'll get used to you."

"It's okay, as long as I don't have to worry about him attacking me in the night."

"Oh, I like the sound of that," Carlos purred, tugging James down by the collar for a deeper kiss and ignoring the eye roll he sensed from Paul. Chachi growled again but what got James jumping back in fear was a booming voice from the doorway.

"Hands off my son before I kill you!"

Eyes wide with fear, James backed away fast with his hands off. "I'm sorry, it was just a kiss, I swear we didn't-"

"Papi, don't scare him away! Knock it off!"

Carlos' father broke into laughter, pointing at James. "You should've seen your face! Oh man, I'm so glad there's a camera crew here for that. I'll be glued to the T.V. the night they air this episode."

Paul stood there cracking up as well. "That was awesome, Papi. Man, I have tears in my eyes."

Hand over his racing heart, James shook his head. "Wow. Now _that's_ a way to welcome me to the family."

"Alright, alright, I'll do the traditional way now. How you doing, James?"

James was pulled into a massive bear hug, Carlos nervous again because his father could be overbearing at times; he was never threatening (unless he was trying to be), but sometimes a bit enthusiastic.

"I'm good, once my heart slows down. Nice to meet you, sir."

"Sir? Enough of that already, let's go with Papi. Did you meet everyone else?"

"Yes." Stepping back, James bent down to pick up Chachi, needing something to hold on to. Chachi was calm, snuggling into James' arms, and that made Carlos smile.

"You're really cute with a puppy. Just so you know."

"You mean I'm not all the time?"

"Shut up, you know I'm dying to get you alone."

For a second there was fear in James' eyes, but when Carlos' father only laughed, he relaxed.

"Let's get going, we can talk more to the family when we get back. I want to show you my pride and joy."

"Besides Chachi?"

"Don't give him a big head, he already thinks he's the favorite. My other poor babies feel neglected when he's around. He won't let anyone else sit on my lap."

When James raised an eyebrow, tempted to test that theory, Carlos' dad cleared his throat. "You two need to go before the lunch rush hits."

"Yeah, come on." Carlos grabbed Chachi and set him down again, then took James' hand in his. "Mom, we're going now! We'll be back in a few hours!"

"Have fun, boys!" was the answer from the kitchen. "Don't eat too much or you won't have room for dinner!"

"Oh, we'll have plenty of room for that, trust me," James replied. He turned to Rich, who had followed him into the house originally but remained unobtrusive, and gestured toward the door. "We do have to take the limo, Carlos."

"Not complaining. Except when we pull up, it's gonna call attention to us."

"Yeah, well...we're supposed to be discreet, but at this point they know you're doing the show, probably, and it's not going to really kill anyone to know you're still in the game."

"See you boys later," Carlos' father waved.

"Bye, Papi."

On the ride to Carlos' largest food stand, James asked more questions about his daily life and family, learning that his mother worked full-time and his father was a dedicated policeman who devoted most of his time to responding to fatality calls. When James asked why that was, Carlos explained that he was the one who seemed to handle it best without it bringing him down the way it eventually did everyone else.

"Of course it bothers him," Carlos added, "but he's good with the families and the ones who witness it. He's such an amazing dad, always supportive of everything we do, and when he was laid off for a while he was lost. It's his life calling, to be there for others when they're suffering. I think he could've been a priest and been just as happy, except sometimes he's able to save lives, too. That's what he lives for."

James' lips twisted. "In some ways, he could do that as a priest, I suppose. Just not quite as literally."

"Yeah, Papi's really religious. He doesn't talk about it a lot, doesn't want to push it on people, but he believes deeply."

"I know someone else like that," James smiled. "It's nice when they can talk about it and let you give your opinions, but not make you feel like they're judging you at the same time."

"Exactly. That's how Papi is."

"Would you make me go to church, Carlos? If we were together?"

"No. I don't even go except for Easter and Christmas. My mom's always on me to, but I'm too busy anyway. Though to be honest, Sunday mornings are the only days I ever get to sleep in. What about you? You big on God?"

"Never really been my thing. I do believe in fate, though. Things happening for a reason and working out the way they're supposed to."

"Same. Mom keeps telling me not to worry about what happens between us, that if it's meant to be, it will be. But I kind of want to help that along, you know?"

"Yes, I know," James chuckled, leaning in to kiss Carlos. When Carlos held his face there, deepening it, James went with it, letting his tongue explore Carlos' mouth in a way it hadn't since their first date so long ago. "I really did miss you," he said softly as they broke apart.

"I feel that in your kiss. Why didn't we kiss more on our last date?"

"I guess because we were too busy trying to cram everything into one day and there was no time to just enjoy each other. We had fun, though."

"Always. I always have fun with you. And I like you best when I have you alone, when I don't have to share you or worry about the other guys getting jealous."

"Well, if we do end up together, it'll be like this all the time. Think you could handle that?"

"I _know_ I can," Carlos reassured him, their fingers twined together and Carlos laying his head on James' shoulder. "Be honest with me, what are the odds that'll happen?"

"You know I can't talk about that."

"But there has to be _something_ you can say."

"I can say that you made it this far, and that should tell you a lot. Think of all the other great guys I sent home, and remember that you're still here. I can't promise you'll still be here on the final day, or that if you are you'll be the one I propose to, but right now in this moment I'd say you definitely have a very special place in my heart."

Nodding, Carlos snuggled into James. "I guess that'll have to do."

James got the full tour of the restaurant, Rich staying back when they entered the kitchen because Carlos still would not allow anyone to film the preparation of his beloved hot dogs. Though Carlos informed his staff members he was not there to work but to show James this side of his life, he was still called upon time and time again to answer a question or approve an invoice or even taste-test a new flavor of fries his kitchen manager was trying out. James participated in that one, too, stating that they should definitely market them because "Who wouldn't want hot and spicy fries?" It was a crash course in the the type of life Carlos led on a daily basis, James seeing a much more mature side of him and one that handled stress well even though he appeared at times to be unsure—that would last about five seconds before he went with a decision, showing no hesitation once it was made and going full force with it.

At one point, James asked, "Are you sure that's a good idea? What if it backfires?"

"Then I've learned a lesson. Nothing is set in stone, James. Ever. There's always a chance to fix a mistake."

"I'm not sure I believe that. What happened to 'things happen for a reason'?"

"Sometimes that reason is just to teach you a lesson. In fact, a lot of times it is, so that you know what you did wrong and how to do it better next time."

Carlos allowed James to eat two hot dogs but stopped him after that, knowing his mother would kill them for returning too full to eat a proper dinner. James asked if there was anything else Carlos wanted to show him of New York and his life, but Carlos replied that really James was seeing everything there was to his life.

"Work and family, that's about all I do, James."

"What if you allowed Paul to take over more responsibility? Would you be able to free yourself up more and spend time doing other things?"

"I suppose I would, but...I don't know if I'd be happy. I'd be worrying the whole time. I like to have my hands on everything." When James smirked, Carlos grinned. "There goes your mind in the gutter."

"You said it, not me."

"I wasn't complaining. You all done? Ready to go back home and get the third degree from mom and dad?"

"Not really, but I guess I have to. Just take your dad's gun away from him before leaving him alone with me."

Carlos laughed as they returned to the limo. "He was joking, he's actually pretty easygoing. As you can see, we laugh a lot."

"I like that. And I like that Chachi doesn't hate me. I feel like that would be a deal-breaker for you."

"I would totally choose you over Chachi, I hope you know that."

"Easier said than done, Carlos. But I'm glad you don't have to make that choice, since he seems to like me. You know, you bitch a lot about him, but I think your other dogs are jealous because he really is your favorite."

"He drives me crazy."

"But I think you love that."

Shrugging, Carlos slid up against James in the limo. "Maybe. Kind of a love/hate thing?"

"Something like that, yeah." James kissed the top of Carlos' head, letting Carlos fall silent for a few minutes.

"Am I the first one you've seen?"

"Can't talk about it."

"Not even to tell me that?"

"Nope."

Carlos sighed. "Well, considering it's early in the week, I'm gonna assume I'm either the first or second. Have you seen Kendall yet?"

"Carlos, you know I can't-"

"Okay, fine, let's try this. If I give you a message for Kendall, will you pass it on _if_ you haven't seen him yet?"

After a hesitation, James said, "If I'm able to, yes."

"He never gave me back Joanie. I think he forgot. Would you just tell him that if he doesn't want to give her back, that's fine?"

One of James' eyebrows shot up. "You want him to keep Joanie?"

"No, but if for whatever reason he doesn't want to, I understand."

James frowned. "Why wouldn't he want to? You'll see him at the next rose ceremony yourself."

"If we both make it to that."

"Carlos, no matter what happens this week, you'll all be at the ceremony. He can give Joanie to you then."

"Unless he forgets her and leaves her at home. Or maybe popped her by accident. Or even on purpose."

James' eyes narrowed. "Did you two have a fight or something?"

"No, of course not. But you know he gets annoyed with me sometimes. I'm just saying, will you tell him that for me? That if he doesn't want to see me when this is over, he doesn't have to. He can keep Joanie."

"I thought you guys were determined to stay friends when this is all over. Did that change?"

"No, but...you just never know. Please, James? Tell him that?"

"I'm gonna let you tell him that yourself when you meet up again. And you will, unless for some crazy reason he backs out of the contest."

Carlos' eyes cut away, James studying him but not asking any further questions.

* * *

><p>Conversation at dinner centered around James' career and his plans for the future, James letting them know that if he chose Carlos he would indeed be moving to New York and that he in fact already had an apartment here that he could stay in until the news broke to the public. He also mentioned that he wouldn't be doing as much modeling and that he was interested in a lifestyle that was more rewarding on a daily basis.<p>

"How would you feel about helping out at the restaurants?" Sylvia asked. "Because I guarantee that if you live with Carlos, that's going to happen."

"Mom, he doesn't have to do that. James, I wouldn't expect that of you."'

"Honey, you know it's going to be that way," Sylvia continued. "All of us put in time here and there to help you out when you need it, and I'm not complaining but that's the way it is. Even your father has filled in on an occasional day off."

"But that's you guys, that's not my boyfriend. I didn't expect Ruben to help out when we were dating."

"No, but he wasn't living with you," Paul pointed out. "James would be your husband, or at least your fiancé, and that makes him family. Family helps out when we need it."

When Carlos opened his mouth to argue again, James laid a hand on his knee. "If I'm in town and available, I would help out. I'd do pretty much anything for the man I love. Except kill a fish," he smiled, winking at Carlos.

"Oh my god, you guys, we went fishing and James couldn't kill the fish! He made me throw it back!"

"What?" Paul cracked up, shaking his head. "Dude, really?"

Sandra smacked him. "Not everyone likes to murder poor defenseless animals, you heathen."

"Come on, they're stupid enough to fall for it. Nobody forces them to eat the bait."

Carlos' father was fighting to keep a straight face, shoving food in his mouth, and James sighed. "Go ahead, laugh. I know it's ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, son, it's just...it's fishing. One of the oldest ways to survive."

"I know, but those big eyes look at you, and the mouth does this thing..." James imitated it, Sylvia immediately complaining.

"No no no, none of that. Do not do the fish face at the dinner table, I can't eat if I'm picturing an animal fearing for its life."

"I don't approve of actual hunting either, but James," Carlos reasoned, "you just ate beef and chicken. Those animals had to die, too."

"Yes, but I didn't _see_ them die. And it wasn't at my hands. If it's already dead, and there's nothing I can do to save it, I don't feel as guilty."

"It still died so you can eat it," Paul argued.

"I know, I never said it made sense."

Sandra pushed her plate away. "And now I can't eat this. I keep seeing some poor chicken on the chopping block. Why do you men always have to ruin my appetite?"

"Sorry," they all chorused, most of them finished with their meal anyway.

Sylvia stood up. "Sandra, would you mind cleaning up so James and I can talk?"

"Of course not, Paul and I will handle it. Carlos, you can help, too, because you're going to be nervous the whole time wondering what they're saying."

"Mom, go easy on him. I'd like him to come back."

Smiling, Sylvia squeezed her son's hand. "Don't worry, I won't bite."

James kissed Carlos' cheek before standing to follow her into the den, Rich following but keeping out of the way.

After Sylvia was seated in a chair, James took a nearby loveseat and waited, hands rubbing over each other nervously.

"Well, Carlos certainly seems to be smitten with you."

James couldn't fight a smile. "He's like no one I've ever met."

"Yes, he's one of a kind. Strong in some ways, fragile in others."

Nodding, James said, "I've seen both sides of him. My favorite thing to do with Carlos is to make him smile."

"You seem to know exactly how to do that," Sylvia commented, her own lips curving up. "I know Carlos was quick to argue, he's terrified of scaring you away, but I meant what I said. If you live with him, you'll get pulled into the business. We all do it without complaint, and of course Paul works with him full-time anyway, but each one of us is called upon for help when it's needed, and you'd be no different."

"I understand that."

"And when Carlos comes home at night, he'll need someone who can help him relax, get his mind off the stresses of the day. Make him feel taken care of, because he spends most of his time taking care of things for others. And then he comes home and takes care of the dogs."

"Who I'm sure help a lot in getting him to unwind."

"Except for Chachi, yes," she chuckled. "I'll be on the phone with him and every five minutes it's 'Chachi, leave that alone!' 'Chachi, you be nice to Richie!' 'Chachi, don't even think about it!'"

James laughed, and then even harder when the subject of their conversation trotted in with that chewed-up doll in his mouth. "I think he heard his name. Come here, buddy. Come talk to me." When he patted his knee, Chachi jumped up and settled onto James' lap, keeping the toy close.

"Well, at least he likes you. He hated Carlos' last boyfriend."

"Ruben, I think he mentioned?"

"Yes. He was okay, but I never felt he was devoted enough to my boy. I expect one hundred percent devotion in the man Carlos will marry. I understand a career and being away at times, but my son won't be happy with anyone who doesn't give him all of his heart. Are you prepared to do that?"

"I wouldn't propose to him if I didn't feel I could."

"And how many are there now? Four?"

"Yes, Carlos and three others."

"Can you give me an idea where Carlos stands?"

"Not really, no. I'm sorry. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm not allowed to."

Sylvia sat back, nodding as she considered that. James rubbed Chachi's belly, smiling when Chachi yawned and stretched.

"I guess my main concern is that you don't break my son's heart. I know that might happen and that you have three other potential men to propose to, and if you end up sending him home, know that he will survive. We'll take care of him. But I've never seen him so excited about a boyfriend before, and I worry about him getting his heart broken."

"I can't promise anything. I'm sorry. What I can tell you is that I love your son very much. Even in the short time we've known each other, I can't imagine living without him in my life. He brings me so much joy, Sylvia."

"That's what he does best. Brings joy to people. And I see that, how much you do love being with him."

"He's very special to me."

"I suppose that will have to be enough, then."

* * *

><p>When they returned to the dining room, Carlos and Paul were talking quietly. "I thought you boys were going to help Sandra clean up!" Sylvia exclaimed.<p>

"We did, but she kicked us out."

"Paul, why wouldn't she want your help?"

A shout from the next room answered Sylvia. "Because they got into a water fight with the faucet and ended up soaking me instead!"

"Honestly, you two..." Shaking her head, Sylvia left the boys alone to go and assist her daughter-in-law.

"So, how'd it go?" Carlos stood and wrapped his arms around James' waist, hugging him close.

"Fine. Where's your dad?"

"Out on the back porch. He's waiting for you."

"Did you keep his gun?" James asked, only half-joking.

Paul smirked. "He wouldn't give it up."

Face paling, James swallowed hard.

"It'll be fine. Go on, James. I'm right here when you're done." He gave James a reassuring kiss for luck, then shoved James lightly toward the patio door. "Chachi, stay here." When Chachi paid him no mind and followed James out into the backyard, the toy still firmly clutched in his teeth, Carlos rolled his eyes. "I don't know why I think that dog's gonna listen to me."

Extremely nervous, James took a seat in the chair next to Carlos' father.

"Hi, son."

"Hey. You uh...thought you might need that gun?"

"Nah, I just wanted to see Carlos' face when I refused to let him hold on to it. He's so easy."

"Ah." James leaned back, relaxing slightly while Chachi hopped up into his lap. "What kind of dog is Chachi, anyway?"

"I have no idea. A mutt, I suppose. Definitely got some chihuahua in there."

"I think there's some terrier, too," James mused, once again scratching the dog's belly. "It's good that he likes me, right?"

"It's excellent. Dogs are wonderful judges of character. Chachi hated his last boyfriend on sight."

"Well, he did growl at me when I tried to kiss Carlos."

"That's because he doesn't like sharing Carlos. But he likes you, so that makes me feel better about you."

James licked his lips before commenting, "I can't help but notice you haven't met my eyes once since I sat down, Papi. Is there something on your mind?"

"No, I'm just thinking things over. Carlos is my pride and joy. Of course Paul is too, but Carlos...he's special."

"I agree completely."

"I know you think I'm going to interrogate you now that I have you alone, but the truth is I only have one real question, James." Turning to face him, Papi added, "And I want an honest answer."

"I don't lie."

"Good. What I need to know is...do you love him?"

Without hesitation, James smiled softly and answered, "Yes."

After a pause, Papi asked, "Do you love him enough?" This time there wasn't an immediate answer. "I see that you're unsure."

"What I'm not sure of is whether or not that's a fair question. Enough for what?"

"Enough for everything."

"I'm sorry, I still don't know what you mean. Is there something more I should know about him?"

"Not necessarily. But when I ask a question like that, the answer should be 'yes.'"

"Not if I don't understand the question, sir."

Smirking, Papi said, "And now we've gone back to 'sir.' James, I'm not trying to scare you or make you nervous. If my son is happy and in love with you, I welcome you to this family. As long as you love him enough."

"Enough for _what?_" James asked again, frustrated.

"Enough for everything."

Shaking his head, James stood up, holding Chachi to his chest. "I'm sorry. I do love your son. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. And that should be enough for _you_."

"It doesn't matter if it's enough for me, it has to be enough for Carlos."

"He's never said anything to make me feel like I'm not enough."

"Time will tell."

Angry now, James stormed back into the house, Rich right behind him. Carlos was waiting anxiously, and after setting down the dog James pulled him into an embrace. "Don't ever doubt how special you are to me," he whispered, kissing Carlos' hair and holding him tight.

Carlos clutched at him, desperate to hold on because he knew it was almost time for James to leave. "I try not to, but sometimes it's hard when I see you with Logan and Kendall and-"

"If I choose you, they won't be around."

"But they will be."

"If I choose you," James repeated, leaning away enough to frame Carlos' face in his hands, "I will only be with you. We can all be friends, but my focus will be on you and only you. I expect the same in return. Are we clear on that?"

Ice shooting through Carlos' heart, he was terrified thinking that somehow James had found out about the kiss with Kendall. "Yes," he whispered. "There's no one else, just you for the rest of my life."

Nodding slowly first, James kissed Carlos hard, not stopping when there was a growl from below. He kissed Carlos in the way Carlos had witnessed him kissing Kendall and Logan, and his heart soared as he understood that James did in fact value him as much as he did the other two.

"I don't want you to go. I want to keep you here just like this and not give them a chance to win you back."

"My feelings for you are not dependent on my feelings for them. I love you all differently, and spending time with them doesn't change how much I love you, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Yes, Carlos. I promise." He hugged Carlos tight again, backing away only when he heard Carlos' mother enter the room.

After saying his goodbyes to Paul, Sandra, and Sylvia, as well as apologizing to the other dogs for paying them little attention, James moved toward the front door. When Carlos asked if he could walk James to the car, James smiled and held out a hand. "Of course you can."

Chachi followed them out, James glancing down and laughing. "Your dog really does love me."

"He's got good taste. Except for that doll; it's gross but he won't let me get rid of it."

"How is it gross?"

"Look at it, it's all mangled and falling apart. When it does, I'm burning it."

"Yeah, do that _before _I move in, okay? I'm not a fan of burnt rubber," James joked, hugging Carlos again as they leaned against the limo.

"Was my dad horrible?"

"No, he just...confused me."

"How?"

"Asked me weird questions, I don't know. But don't worry, we're fine."

"So I'm not the one who ruined my chances by letting you meet my family?"

"Not at all," James laughed. "Who said you would be?"

"Logan told me about how that can ruin things, meeting the family. You can love someone but then the family turns out to be something you can't deal with."

"Well, Logan doesn't know everything. Genius or no."

Carlos smiled. "I'm glad you kept me for this. No matter what happens, seeing you with my family...it was amazing."

"I'm glad I kept you, too." After one more kiss, James climbed into the limo and waited for Rich to do the same before leaning out to grab Carlos' hand. "Bye, Chachi. I'll be seeing you again one day, I'm sure."

Chachi barked once, lifting up to place his front paws on James' knee while letting the doll fall to the ground. James scratched behind his ears and smiled, kissing his nose.

"See you at the end of the week, Carlos."

"I'll be there. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Carlos lifted Chachi off the ground, Chachi fighting to get free and pick up the toy before allowing Carlos to hold him again.

"Guess I'm still not better than the damn doll, am I?" James chuckled.

"You're perfect," Carlos grinned, "and I love you."

James' answer was a beautiful smile, and then the door closed and he was gone.


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

For those who ask, no—you won't get to read about Ryan's hometown date, though you will learn more about Ryan in the final chapter.

Also, the story of how Kendall's mother and Glenn got together...I might have borrowed a teensy bit from** jdmazz** on that. You really should go read "Golden Slumbers" if you're a Kames fan. She writes them beautifully. :)

One last reminder, if I haven't mentioned it yet. These dates do not include roses at the end, no one will be eliminated until they all get back together at the end of the week. So there's no fear of anyone being sent home (well, they're already home, but you know what I mean), so relax and enjoy these chapters without worrying things might go badly. Once they're back in L.A. you can worry again. :P

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Kendall was in the kitchen with his mother when Katie's voice rang out.<p>

"Hey, bro, your boyfriend's already cheating on you! Told you he was no good!"

"What?" Heart hammering, Kendall set down the pan of cookies he'd just taken from the oven. As Kendall spent most of his time in Minnesota with his family anyway, it had been decided that James would meet them at their house rather than at Kendall's.

"Come look!"

Kendall pulled off the oven mitt and rushed to the living room, his mother calling out, "Kendall! You're not supposed to watch any T.V.!"

"It's not T.V., Mom, it's my phone!" Katie yelled.

"Like that's any better," Jennifer said in exasperation.

Kendall stared at the tiny screen, which showed James walking down a sidewalk with a gorgeous blonde before they ducked into a coffee shop.

"Who's that?" Kendall asked.

"Some hot blonde, that's who. Hang on, let me turn up the volume."

Katie did so, restarting the video that was featured on a celebrity website.

_"Supermodel James Diamond was seen out and about today for the first time after over a month of obscurity. Rumor has it he's been filming a television show, though no one's talking. Monday morning he visited an L.A. coffee shop with his stylist and best friend Lana Houseman, but refused to answer any questions when approached. He seemed to be in good spirits, though, joking with our cameraman as they left the cafe."_

"So _that's_ Lana. Wow, she's pretty. It's so weird to see him on T.V. again after spending all that time with him," Kendall remarked. "And he's so much more beautiful in person."

"I'll be the judge of that. So Lana's his friend?"

"Yes, he lives with her. For now."

"And if he picks you? Then what?"

"He said he'll move wherever the winner lives. He can do that."

"Must be nice."

Kendall perched on the arm of the couch. "So you _are_ going to be nice to him, right? I really want this to happen."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll try not to scare him too bad." At the ringing of a doorbell, Katie jumped up to answer it. "Oh, it's just you guys. Come on in."

She stepped back to allow the camera crew into the house, Kendall greeting the familiar faces before returning to the kitchen and his mother.

"He wasn't actually cheating on you, was he?"

"No, he was caught getting coffee with his roommate. Who is a girl. I guess he went home for a few days, too. Probably did him some good, like being here does for me."

Jennifer smiled. "I'm glad you're home too, sweetie. Wish you could stay longer."

"I may end up home for good if Katie ruins this."

"Don't worry about her, I reminded her that one day you'll meet her boyfriend and have a chance for vengeance."

Kendall laughed. "Good point. So you like him?"

"Yes, he doesn't let Katie push him around. He stands up to her, which is probably why she likes him so much. But he loves her and treats her well. Grab me the pasta salad?"

Reaching into the fridge, Kendall passed her a large bowl while grabbing a bottle of water for himself.

"Thanks. So you two aren't going anywhere?" she asked.

"No, I thought about it but where is there to go? I'm always here anyway."

"But if he moves here, you'll spend more time at home, I'm sure. You'll want alone time."

"I know, but if he doesn't accept you guys, it won't work anyway. He's not very close to his parents and I'm kind of hoping he'll like that he'd have a set of real parents for a change."

"We'll do our best. What if we don't like him? Will that affect your decision at all?"

"Of course. As long as your reasons are good ones, and not Katie deciding 'nobody could be that amazing.' Because trust me-he is."

"He's so handsome, Kendall. I couldn't believe it when you told me it's him. And see? I told you he'd fall for you."

"Yeah, he likes me a lot but there's this other guy...I think he's leaning toward him."

Katie entered the kitchen in time to hear that. "Want me to go bomb the guy's house?"

"No, he's a great guy. And he deserves a little happiness, his wife died a few years ago. He's raising a little girl by himself."

"Aww." Sitting down at the table with Kendall and Katie, Jennifer asked, "Is James ready for that? He's never struck me as the type to settle down with a family."

"Logan says he seems to be onboard with it. And he definitely likes Logan. A lot. But again, Logan's a great guy. He and this other guy Carlos were my roommates for most of it, and no matter what happens with James, we're all still going to be friends. So you guys will meet Carlos and Logan someday, and probably Logan's daughter, too."

"Won't that be difficult, honey? To see James with someone else if you don't win?"

"Yeah, but we talked it all out. No hard feelings. It's important to us to keep the friendship, because I've never had friends like them and I don't want to lose it now that I have it. They feel the same way."

"So who's left?" Katie asked. "What's your competition like?"

"Well, there are three other guys. Ryan, Logan, and Carlos. Logan seems to be in the lead right now, but that could change. I mean, I was the favorite in the beginning, because James is a fan. Apparently a huge fan."

"Kendall," Jennifer argued, "I'm sure it wasn't just because of that. If you're still there, it's because he likes you for you."

"I know, but it sucks knowing I had that edge and lost it."

"How'd you screw up?" Katie wanted to know.

"I just let myself get distracted, took my eyes off the prize. But I'm good now, James and I cleared that up and I still have a chance."

"Do you feel like the other guys are a threat, too, or just Logan?" Jennifer asked.

"At this point I guess everyone is. Ryan's a super cool guy, totally hot, and he and James grew up in the same neighborhood. They have a lot in common. Or at least common childhoods to bond over."

"And Carlos?"

Kendall smiled before addressing his mother's question. "Carlos is amazing. He's fun and sweet and sexy and like a big kid sometimes, but then when you least expect it he says things that shock you. Shows a deeper side of him. I'm not sure James realizes what he'd be passing up if he sent Carlos home."

The phone rang and Jennifer jumped up to grab it, maneuvering around a cameraman that was set up in the dining room. When she was gone, Katie pressed, "So you really love this guy, huh?"

"Who, James?"

"No, Carlos. Of course I mean James."

"Oh. Yeah. We have a lot in common, we like the same things, and we have great chemistry. I can see myself living with him. And he's not stuck-up like we thought. He's actually a generous person, you should see the stuff he does for Carlos. Made all his dreams come true in one day."

"Tell me more about Carlos."

Kendall's face became a bit guarded. "Like what?"

"What does he do? Where does he live?"

"He lives in New York. Remember those hot dogs I always rave about? The ones I stuff myself with whenever I go there?"

"The ones you keep swearing you'll take me to try one day?"

"Yes," Kendall chuckled. "Carlos actually owns the company. He started it all when he was a teenager."

"No way."

"Yep. And he's got a bunch of dogs and named them all after characters from 'Happy Days.' And when James won him stuffed animals, he named them after another T.V. show. He's always talking about this little dog named Chachi that I can't wait to meet. And he almost kicked my ass at _Call of Duty._"

"Dude, nobody can beat you at that!"

"I know!" Kendall grinned. "But he came close a few times. He's so full of himself, too, like he's God's gift to the world, but deep down he's really insecure. Which is ridiculous, anyone would be lucky to have him."

Katie sat back, arms over her chest. "What do you like about James?"

"Well, he's romantic. He's a total gentleman with me, except when we get uh...carried away. And he's great with Carlos. Um...he's sexy. He's a lot smarter than you'd think, though it's not book-smart. It's more...hmm. Worldly? He'd make a good husband."

Nodding slowly, Katie stood up to look out the kitchen window. "He's here."

"Okay. Promise you'll behave?"

"No. But you should know that you light up like the sun when you talk about Carlos. You don't when you talk about James. Just something to think about." Katie clapped him on the back as Jennifer called them to the living room.

"He's here! And it was Glenn on the phone, he can't get out of work, honey. He tried. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Kendall replied, mind still on Katie's comment and hating her a little for it. Shoving Carlos out of his mind, he opened the front door to greet James.

* * *

><p>James approached with a huge smile, clad in faded blue jeans and a long-sleeved green t-shirt that made his eyes stand out. Kendall had come to love his hair (though he swore he wasn't superficial) and the way he carried himself, loving even more the way one long arm pulled him into a hug.<p>

"Hey, gorgeous."

"Hello, beautiful," Kendall replied, and when James kissed his lips lightly and pulled back, the affection in James' eyes warmed his heart. "You look great. I love you in green."

"Yeah? I've always loved you in black and white. That's a hint that you should come back to the Kings."

"Or that you should marry me so you can see me in a tux again," Kendall joked, hugging James to him again before stepping back and nodding at Rich, but otherwise ignoring that he was there. "What did you do, bring Mom flowers?"

"I wanted to do more, but I had no idea what she'd like. I considered apple pie, though. Then I realized she'd probably be insulted because she makes it better."

"Actually, she only did cookies today. But I helped," Kendall added.

"Then I'm sure they'll be delicious." They grinned at each other, James dipping in for another kiss. "So level with me. What am I up against here?"

Leading James toward the house, Kendall said, "Well, Katie said she would try to be nice. For her, that's a lot. And my stepdad couldn't make it, though he tried. So it's just Katie and Mom. But all you really need to know about Glenn is that he's a super nice guy who goes out of his way to make my mom happy and that he supports me and Katie in everything we do."

James nodded. "Good enough. You look different. Relaxed."

"I am. Being home for a few days has done wonders for me."

"Me, too. I was only there for a day and a half but it helped me focus. I kind of took a step back from everything and talked it over with Lana, and her advice helped me a lot."

"I imagine. Just being back in my hometown for a bit really grounded me."

"You ready to move forward with me, Kendall?"

Feeling like he was right back in that room in Rio where James had kissed him in front of everyone as a test, Kendall nodded. "I am. May the best man win."

"That's what I like to hear."

They stopped just inside the door for another kiss, Kendall suddenly hungry for it in a way he hadn't been since Vegas. He was surprised at the ferocity that came from him, as well as from James, and it wasn't until Katie addressed them that he remembered they weren't alone.

"Haven't even been introduced and you're already making out with my brother? Shame."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall stepped back but slid his hand into James'. "Katie, this is James. As you know."

"Hello, Katie." James pulled his hand free, then held it out to shake.

Arms not dropping from around over her chest, she said, "I hope those aren't for me. I hate flowers."

James lowered his hand, which had been hanging in mid-air. "I figured nothing would make you happy, so that's what I brought you. Nothing."

Katie blinked a few times, James smirking at her while Kendall choked on a laugh.

"Well then. I guess I'll be happy with that."

"Hi, I'm so sorry, had to check on dinner, I'm Jennifer, it's so nice to meet you, James!" Rushing toward them as she rambled, Jennifer reached out to shake James' hand.

"Thank you, it's a pleasure to meet you, as well. These are for you."

"You brought me flowers? Oh, you shouldn't have!" But of course she was preening, lips curved into a pleased smile.

Kendall was impressed so far at how easily James was winning his family over, or at least in Katie's case not bowing to her. "Are you thirsty, James? We can grab something, or if you're hungry there are snacks in the kitchen," he offered.

"Not too many snacks, boys. You'll ruin your appetites."

"Always the mom," Kendall complained, suddenly reminded of Logan and wondering if James had met Caroline yet. Would he be allowed to ask that? "Come on, James."

"Here, Kendall, do something with these." Passing over the bouquet of flowers, Jennifer added, "Katie, come help me set the table for lunch. We're eating in the backyard."

"Mom, there are flying things out there. Namely flies, which puke on your food every time they land."

"Katie, just do it. Boys, take your time in the kitchen, you've got a while still before the food's ready. Get reacquainted." She winked at Kendall before picking up a few grocery bags off the dining room table and heading out into the backyard, Katie on her tail.

"That wasn't so bad."

"Oh, James, she hasn't even gotten started. She'll interrogate you during lunch, I'm sure."

"I've got nothing to hide."

Kendall pulled him into the kitchen, Rich following them but Kendall once again falling into the ease of forgetting a camera was around, and after reaching into the refrigerator for a couple of beers he passed one back to James.

James responded with a smile of thanks and then sank onto a stool at the breakfast bar, pulling Kendall onto his lap with an arm around his waist. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't keep my hands off you today. It's been weeks since we've been alone."

"That's not wrong," Kendall grinned, twisting around enough to kiss James. "I'm feeling the same way. It's kind of like I'm rediscovering you."

"Yeah. Something like that." One hand on Kendall's thigh, the other in Kendall's hair, James tilted Kendall's head back for a deeper kiss, Kendall opening his mouth to it and once again surprised by the rush of lust that assaulted him.

"Feels like forever since I kissed you like this," Kendall whispered.

"I know. Amazing how things change when we're alone, isn't it?"

Of course they weren't completely alone, but Kendall knew what James meant. There was no Logan, no Carlos, no one else to make them feel guilty for what they were doing. James' hand slid up Kendall's thigh and he hissed, the brushing of fingers right where he needed it making him crazy. It had definitely been way too long since he'd had sex.

Remembering again that James liked to feel desired, Kendall pressed James' hand more firmly to him, thrusting up into the touch and satisfied when James groaned into his mouth. "We've got time. Follow me."

He stood up and pulled James along by the hand, glancing back once to see that James' eyes were dark as need swirled through him, and smirked. Logan wasn't the only one who could make James insane.

The guest room was down a hall and to the right, Kendall dragging James into the room before shoving him up against the now-closed door and kissing the hell out of him, not holding back at all and determined to make James lose control. He tugged on James' hair, remembering that James seemed to like that as well, and shuddered when James' hands slid up under his t-shirt to run over his chest.

There was no camera in this room, Kendall had effectively closed the door on Rich, and when he started unbuckling James' belt, James didn't stop him but encouraged him with a whine of need.

Kendall sank to his knees, James' fingers like talons in his hair, and in one move had James' pants down, yanking his boxers with them.

James was panting above him, eyes closed as he waited for whatever Kendall had in mind, and when Kendall's hand wrapped around him he thrusted into it, then apparently decided that wasn't enough because Kendall's head was suddenly being steered into place, his lips forced open to stretch around James' girth.

Kendall didn't fight the assault, opening wider as James took initiative and started moving, but after less than a minute of suction on Kendall's part it was gone, his face ripped away by James, who banged his head back against the door and muttered, "Fuck."

"It's okay, there's no camera in here, nobody's going to-"

"No. We can't." Still breathing heavy, James sidestepped Kendall's body and turned away, one hand pressed to the door as he struggled to calm down.

"Why not?"

"I just...not here. It's wrong with your mother and sister out there, and knowing one of them might knock on the door at any second...I can't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, James," Kendall soothed, standing up to rub a hand over his back. "We got carried away, it's been a while. It's good to know we still have the magic, though, isn't it?"

James nodded, straightening to zip up and adjust himself. "We do have that."

"So as long as you keep me around another week, we can take it as far as we want. Or we can leave here and find a place, I don't care."

"No," James argued, but he was smiling. "I came here to spend time with your family, not fuck you in a random hotel room. We'll save that."

"So...that means I'm safe?"

"I never said that."

Kendall dragged James around and smirked, leaning in to nibble on his lip. "You don't have to. I can feel it."

James' answering smirk was a mirror of Kendall's, and his tongue slipped out to tease Kendall's lips. "I swear, I'm so damn horny all the time anymore. It's worse than it's ever been."

"I'm going to assume it's me."

"Right," James smirked, "it has nothing to do with the fact that I was around twenty gorgeous guys who were all over me constantly but I couldn't do anything about it."

"Well, now you can. I'm right here."

James rolled his eyes. "It's scary how much you're starting to sound like Carlos."

The smirk died, Kendall stepping back and running a hand through his hair. "Surely I'm not that full of myself."

"You're getting there."

Kendall reached past James for the doorknob, James halting him with a grip on his wrist. "I didn't say it was a bad thing. You're sexy when you're cocky."

"The same goes for you. Want to go spend some time talking to Mom? She's actually a fan of yours, thinks you're handsome."

"You mentioned that once. It's always nice to hear." James dropped a kiss to Kendall's cheek, slipping a hand into his before opening the door.

"The truth usually is," Kendall replied, and they smiled at each other as they made their way to the backyard.

* * *

><p>They arrived just in time to sample the cookies Jennifer set down on the picnic table. Kendall gestured for James to take a seat, then rushed back into the house for the beers they'd left forgotten in the kitchen. Katie settled in across from James while Jennifer returned to the kitchen to finish getting lunch together.<p>

James smiled at Katie, who said, "Well, I'll say this for you, you _are_ hotter in person. Kendall was right about that."

The smile widened. "Thank you. I know you love him very much and I understand your protectiveness. He deserves someone who treats him right."

"Yes, but are you that guy?"

"I'd like to think so."

"But there are other guys you want, too. How is that fair?"

Speechless for a second, James licked his lips. "I guess it's not. But your brother knew going in it would be like this."

"I know. He's an idiot for doing this at all, I tried to tell him that."

"But if he finds love, doesn't that make it worth it?"

"As long as he finds it with the right guy. I'm pretty sure you're gonna break his heart before this is over."

"Katie, how is that even fair? You don't know me. I hate it when people assume things about me."

"Then put my mind at ease. Tell me right now he's the one you want."

"I can't do that. Whether it's true or not."

"Come on, he's not even here right now."

"But Rich is, with his camera. As well as the two over there. I'm not allowed to state either way which of them I've settled on, if in fact I've done that at all."

Katie sat back, eyes narrowed and arms crossed over her chest. "Tell me about Logan."

James' face flashed with shock as he jolted slightly. "He has nothing to do with my feelings for Kendall."

"Kendall says he's the one you're leaning toward. Is he right?"

"Kendall said that?"

"Yep. So if you thought you were doing a good job of appearing neutral, you weren't."

"What else did Kendall say about Logan?"

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that."

Rolling his eyes, James reached for a cookie.

"Fine, if you won't talk about Logan, tell me about Carlos."

Breaking into another smile, James asked, "What do you want to know?"

"Just tell me about him. He sounds like fun."

Kendall joined them then. "Sorry, James, Mom wanted to talk for a minute. Is Katie being nice?"

"No, but I can handle it. We were just talking about Carlos."

"Oh. Carlos. What about him?"

Taking a bite of a chocolate chip cookie, Katie replied, "I asked what he's like. Wanted to hear James' version."

"Carlos is awesome," James answered. "He makes me laugh and is a blast to hang out with. I hope you get to meet him someday, he's so unique."

"Kendall says I will, that no matter who you pick Carlos is never leaving his life."

"That isn't exactly what I said," Kendall argued.

"So you're okay with never seeing him again?"

"Katie, back off. Carlos is wonderful but it's James I'm in love with."

Jennifer's voice reached them from the patio door. "Katie! Come help me carry the food out!"

Looking toward the house, Katie sighed. "Fine."

Kendall cracked open his beer and took a long swallow once she was gone. James opened his more slowly, musing over the conversation before asking, "What else did you say about Carlos?"

"James, please don't let her get to you. She's testing you. It's you I'm in this for. I thought I made that clear."

"She asked about Logan, too."

"Logan? What did she want to know about Logan?"

"Apparently you've decided he's going to win."

Kendall's mouth set, frustration flashing in his eyes. "That's not true. If I'd decided that already, I would've bowed out. You're worth fighting for."

That brought a smile out of James. "Good to hear. Sometimes I wonder with you."

"I know, and it's partly my fault for thinking of everyone else before myself, but that's done. I'm in this to win. I don't know that I've said it yet, but I do love you, James. I don't want you to doubt that."

"Come here." James scooted around so that he was straddling the bench, Kendall going willingly when he was pulled close and wrapping his legs around James' waist to meet the kiss. James' tongue possessed his mouth as if taking up residency, Kendall's breathing quickening as he returned the kiss with equal fervor.

"Okay, I'm all for Kendall finding love, but we're about to eat. Honey, take this so I can go back for more?"

"Sorry, Mom." Disentangling himself from James, Kendall stood to help set the food down. Jennifer smiled at James before heading back into the house, James rising from the bench to follow.

"I'm gonna go help your mom."

"You don't have to."

"It's fine."

Without another word, James approached the house, passing Katie on the way.

Jennifer spun away from the oven with a plate of food. "Here, Kendall, take-oh. James. Hi!"

Taking the plate, James smiled. "Didn't mean to startle you. I wanted to ask some questions about Kendall."

"Now? We'll have time for that later."

"I know, I just...his last boyfriend."

"Michael? What about him?"

"He says they broke up because of the distance. Because they ended up on different teams."

"Right. It was too hard on them, though they tried to keep it going for a while."

"Does Kendall still love him?"

Jennifer looked at him in confusion for a second, then she sighed. "James, they've been apart for a long time."

"Kendall seems like the type to hold on. Like if you're in his life, he doesn't let go."

"I think these are questions you should be asking Kendall, not me. But I will say that they still talk occasionally. I don't think it's anything to worry about, though. He's moved on."

"You're sure?"

"Again, you'll have to ask him, but I think so. Where is this coming from, James?"

James shrugged, juggling the plate to grab another from her. "I always feel like he's holding back with me. Like he isn't giving all of himself."

"I imagine he's scared, honey. There's a chance he won't end up with you and it's hard to devote yourself one hundred percent when you know you might get your heart broken. Kendall...he's careful. The happiest I ever saw him was with Michael, and when they broke up he took it very hard. It was a mutual decision, but that didn't make it an easy one."

Nodding, James considered her words. "Do you think he's ready now? To put his heart on the line?"

"For the right person, yes. I haven't seen the two of you together enough to know yet if that's you. I do know he really wants to win because he cares a lot about you." When James was silent, she patted his shoulder. "Come on. Let's eat and then we'll talk some more. I have questions for you, too."

"Is Katie getting alone time with me? I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

"We'll see. Just don't let her walk all over you. Stand up for yourself; it's the best way to gain her respect."

"I'll keep that in mind, thanks."

* * *

><p>After an enormous meal in which Katie demanded answers about Lana and the fact that James was known to sleep around, Kendall reached over to squeeze James' hand. "I'm sorry. Thanks for being a good sport about this."<p>

"It's cool, she's just looking out for you. She doesn't have to be rude about it, though." James aimed the last bit at Katie, who shrugged without regret.

"You know what they say, buddy-you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family."

"Yeah, that would be enough to scare me away," Kendall joked. "I'd run screaming if I was James."

James chuckled. "You haven't met my mother yet. Katie's a breeze."

Kendall paled slightly and James laughed. "It'll be fine. She'll love you."

Katie pounced on the words immediately. "So you're keeping him around! Don't try to deny it now, you already said it!"

Smirking at Katie, James replied, "I can still change my mind, you know. Keep it up, see what happens."

"Katie, please don't. It's not a dare."

James smiled at Kendall. "I think we'll be fine. And I was speaking hypothetically anyway." Turning to Jennifer, he said, "Lunch was incredible, thank you."

"You're welcome to stay for dinner. I can't guarantee it'll be all this, but it'll still be good. And you could meet Glenn."

"Glenn's awesome," Katie tossed out.

Remembering Kendall telling him about how long it had taken Glenn to win Katie over, James responded with, "Wonder if you'll say that about me someday."

"I make no promises."

"I'd love to meet Glenn," James said, getting back to the topic, "but I'm flying out tonight for my next...location."

"Going far?" Kendall asked, searching for clues.

"Maybe," James evaded. "I need to leave here by five."

"That early?" Kendall pouted, causing James to lean over and kiss him.

"You're adorable when you pout."

"I don't do it often."

"I know, that's more Carlos' thing. I hope you guys meant what you said, because I want to keep in touch with all of you if I can."

"We did," Kendall nodded. "Of course that could change at any time, if one of them decides they don't want to, but I hope they don't."

"I get the feeling you wouldn't let them."

Kendall bit his lip, wondering if this was another test. It honestly didn't matter, because this wasn't something he was bending on. "You're right. I won't let them."

"That reminds me," James mentioned casually, "Carlos asked me to pass on a message to you."

Sitting up straighter, Kendall's eyes widened. "Carlos? You saw him already? How is he?"

"He's good. I saw a different side of him, other than the big kid I'm used to seeing. He's actually got a lot of responsibility."

"Well, he has to, if he owns all those restaurants. But he's good?"

"He's great," James smiled. "I got to meet Chachi."

"Oh my god, what was that like?" Kendall grinned.

"He's precious, just like Carlos. Obsessed with a toy that he won't let go of. Always demands to be the center of attention."

"Yeah, that sounds like Carlos." At an amused look from Katie, Kendall cleared his throat. Had his face "lit up" like Katie said it did? "So what else did you do with him?"

"I'm not supposed to talk about it. I shouldn't even have told you I saw him already, but he asked me to pass on the message, so..."

"Right. What's the message?"

James licked his lips before answering. "I'm trying to remember exactly how he said it. Something about you can keep Joanie when this is all over if you want."

Kendall blinked, his mouth opening slightly. "Joanie. Shit. I never gave her back."

"He said you'd probably forgotten."

"I did. She's...she must be in my suitcase. I've hardly unpacked anything since I've been home, just lived out of my closet. Oh man, I feel so bad. I promised I'd give Joanie back before we left Rio."

"Well, just take her with you when we meet up at the end of the week."

"Okay, hold on," Katie interrupted. "Who's Joanie and why is she in your suitcase?"

Kendall laughed, only now realizing how weird it must sound to someone who didn't know the story. "Joanie is a stuffed animal James won Carlos on one of our dates. Along with Elyse and Alex P. Keaton."

"Ohhhhhh. You mentioned that, him naming stuffed animals after T.V. shows."

"Yeah, Joanie's a dog so she fit in with the 'Happy Days' gang. It makes sense if you know Carlos."

Jennifer smiled. "He sounds adorable."

"He really is, Mom. I've never known anyone like him."

Once again Katie raised an eyebrow, giving Kendall an "I told you so" look, and Kendall frowned. "So uh...what was it he said? That I can keep Joanie?"

"Basically he said if you don't want to see him again when this is over, he's fine with that."

Kendall felt as if he'd been kicked in the gut. "Oh."

"But you're not going to let that happen, are you?"

"I...well. If he doesn't want to see me, I can't...I mean..."

"No," Katie interrupted. "He's not letting that happen. He needs friends and he's not ruining this. You're not ruining this, Kendall."

"Katie, if he decides he doesn't want to see me-"

"He's not going to," James inserted. "This is Carlos we're talking about, the guy who had you in a death grip because he was afraid of the dark."

Kendall smiled slightly, remembering the cave in Hawaii. Apparently James _had_ noticed that. "He was terrified. Shaking."

"I know he was. And you got him through it because that's what you do. That's the kind of guy you are. He's not going anywhere. I got the feeling he was more worried _you_ were going to."

"I'm not, as long as he still wants me in his life. Both him and Logan."

James nodded. "Good. Because you said you thought maybe we could all be friends when this is over, and I have to be honest. I've never had real friends before, other than Lana. I think I told you that?"

"Yeah. In Vegas."

"Right. I understand if it's too hard for you guys once I propose to one of you, but if you can handle it I'd really like to keep in touch with all of you."

"I can. I think Carlos can, too."

When Kendall didn't add more to that, James narrowed his eyes. "But Logan can't?"

"He's..." Kendall sighed, not wanting to get into it.

"What?"

"He tends to get jealous. More than the rest of us. As I'm sure you noticed the last night we were all together."

There was that smirk again, and Kendall suddenly wondered if it had been a test for Logan as well. "Yes, I've noticed his jealousy."

"It would probably be difficult for him at first, to see you with someone else. Though he did say that as long as you choose either me or Carlos, he'd be happy."

"Really."

"Yep. So...you know. I'm right here."

James' head fell back as he laughed. "And once again I'm in the presence of a Carlos clone."

Kendall grinned. "He tends to rub off on you. Get under your skin."

"That he does." Standing up, James stretched. "Jennifer, can we-"

"Oh, James, just call me Mom. All of Kendall's friends do. His boyfriends, too," she winked.

"You got it. Mom, may we have that talk now?"

Katie rose. "I'm totally in on this."

"Katie, give the poor guy a rest."

"It's okay, Jen—I mean, Mom," James corrected himself. "It's okay, she can come. She has a right to ask me questions, too."

"It's probably best she does it with you there, Mom," Kendall agreed. "She'll go easier on James."

"I really won't, but whatever makes you feel better." Katie grabbed James' hand and pulled him toward the house.

"Remember how much you love me!" Kendall called out to James.

"Yeah, yeah." Looking back to make sure Jennifer was following, James trailed Katie into the living room, where a camera was already set up.

"Who's this guy, your own personal cameraman?" Katie asked, gesturing to Rich, who had come in behind them.

"Pretty much. This is Rich, he goes everywhere with me when we're filming."

"I see. So you know everything, don't you, Rich? You see him with all the guys?"

Rich only smiled, training the camera on her.

"I bet you've got some stories to tell."

"I'm only here to film," Rich replied. "I don't interfere at all."

"Well, that's boring. Mom, come on! Forget the dishes, I know you're trying to clean up in there! You can do that after James leaves, he's only got another hour or so!"

"Alright, alright, I'm coming!"

James took a seat in an old, beat-up chair while Katie settled on the sofa across from him, Jennifer rushing in to sit next to Katie.

"Oh, James, you don't have to sit in that chair. It's Glenn's and he refuses to let me get rid of it."

"I don't mind, it's actually pretty damn comfy. Unless he has a thing about other people sitting in his chair...?"

"No, it's fine. Okay, so...let me get my thoughts in order. I actually have a few things I wanted to say."

"Take your time."

Katie jumped in. "I'll start, then. Why will you talk about Carlos but not Logan? What do you have to hide about Logan?"

When there was a snickering sound from Rich, James gave him a warning glance before addressing the question. "I have nothing to hide. I just didn't think there was any reason to talk about Logan. Or Ryan, who is the other guy still in the running. Or Carlos, for that matter, but Carlos...I don't know. You find yourself wanting to talk about him, he's just so precious. I can't imagine living without him in my life now that I know him. And don't take that as me playing favorites, either, Katie. I'm sure Kendall would agree with that one hundred percent, as would Logan. Carlos is just that kind of person."

Jennifer leaned back, a smile tugging at her lips. "I really hope I get to meet this Carlos one day. He sounds like such a fun person to know."

"He really is. You feel so...I don't know. _ Free_ with him. Which is crazy, because he's got so much responsibility and—wait. I'm sitting here talking about Carlos. This always happens around Kendall. He's not even in the room, and I'm talking about everyone but him. How does he do that?"

"Fine. Let's talk about you, then," Katie pounced, resting her elbows on her knees. "You're a supermodel."

"I am."

"You don't act like one."

"Is there a certain way I'm supposed to act?"

"I've seen you on T.V. You're not like this. Which is the _real _James Diamond?"

James chuckled. "Both, I guess. When I'm working, I admit there's an image I try to uphold. I've been told by a few people lately that I don't need to do that in order to do my job. I'm thinking maybe they're right. But the person you're talking to today, this is me."

"Hmph."

Rolling her eyes at Katie, Jennifer took over. "Kendall mentioned you would be moving wherever the winner lives."

"Yes."

"Why? Wouldn't that uproot your life?"

"My life is one that can be easily uprooted. That's not the case with Kendall, he's stuck wherever his team is. And I'd go with him, because I've come to realize that I'm tired of living alone. I want a husband I can be near as often as possible."

"He's very close to us, James. Is that a problem?"

"Absolutely not. I admit, I'm not close to my parents at all. I never speak to my father, and my mom...well. She loves me but we don't get into deep discussions. She calls me once a week and it's like 'Hi, son, you doing okay? Yes? Okay, talk to you next week.' I have no siblings. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome a new family to be part of."

Jennifer smiled, pleased with that answer. "We are always welcoming of new friends." After a brief silence from Katie, Jennifer elbowed her.

"Yeah, sure. Break his heart and I break your face. That's the bottom line here, Diamond."

"Katie!"

"Oh come on, Mom, you said the same thing this morning!"

Clearing her throat, Jennifer pushed on Katie until she was standing. "Go help your brother clean up the mess out back."

"Fine. But I mean it, James. You're famous, it's not hard to find you."

"Katie. Go. Now."

James watched her go with an unreadable expression.

"Don't listen to her, honey. It's true that we won't take kindly to anyone who hurts Kendall, but we're aware of the situation you're in and that only one man can be chosen. I don't expect you to propose to Kendall if you're in love with someone else."

"That's the problem," James sighed. "I'm kind of in love with all of them."

"I can imagine it isn't easy."

"They're all so wonderful. I didn't know it would be like this, that I'd fall so hard for even one, let alone three."

"Three? Aren't there four left?"

James blinked, realizing what he'd said only after the fact. "Rich, kill that in editing?"

"Done."

Jennifer patted James' hand across the coffee table. "So one of them isn't even an option at this point?"

"I didn't say that. I wouldn't, because-"

"James, it's okay. If you don't love Kendall, it's better to realize that now."

"But I do love Kendall. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man."

"Really?"

"Yes," James nodded. "I used to imagine what the perfect guy would be like. Kendall's pretty much what I always pictured."

"Aww. That's so sweet. But that makes it hard on you, knowing you have to turn away other incredible men who care so much about you."

"It does. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I realized too late that it's going to happen no matter what I do. Someone's going to get hurt. More than one someone, actually. I hate myself for that. If I'd known that coming into it...and maybe I was an idiot not to, but if I'd known that, I don't think I would've done this."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

Choosing her words carefully, Jennifer asked, "Do you know yet who you're going to propose to?"

"I can't answer that."

"Have you run it through your head yet, the ones you'll have to say goodbye to? I've watched the show, I know how it works. That last person you eliminate goes into it thinking he might be the one who wins. And that's probably the hardest part of all of this, having to tell that person he isn't the one."

James closed his eyes and leaned back into the chair, expression pained. "I don't want to hurt anyone," he whispered.

"Oh, honey, I know. But you have to go with your heart. In the end, your heart will tell you what to do, even if you don't know now."

"How do you know, Mom?"

"Know what?"

Opening his eyes, James leaned forward with an intense gaze and asked, "How do you know when it's love?"

She smiled, thinking of her husband. "The answer everyone gives is 'You just know.' And that's probably the most frustrating thing you'll ever hear in your life, because until you've experienced it, you _don't _know."

"What if you think you are, but are afraid to believe you're right? What if you're wrong and end up with the wrong person but lose the right one in the process?"

"Then I guess you learn a lesson."

"That's not how I want to learn that particular lesson."

"I know, sweetie. Love isn't easy, except...when it's right, it just works. It's not perfect and you will have your difficult moments but the bottom line is you love someone enough to make it work anyway. You have to love enough, both of you do, or it won't last."

"Enough. You have to love enough," James repeated.

"Exactly."

"How did you know? Kendall said you were alone for a long time before you remarried, how did you know he was the one? And please don't tell me you just knew, I need specifics."

"Well, I didn't just know, if you want the truth. Not in the beginning. It was a gradual thing with Glenn. I saw him almost every day and it just became part of my day, running into him when I stopped for a cup of coffee."

"He would just randomly be there?"

"No, he worked there. At the coffee shop. That's where he still works. Each day we'd talk a little more and a little more, and he was so sweet. About a month in, I started looking forward to that part of my day. I didn't even realize it at the time, but I would take extra care with what I wore and with my hair and I did all those girly things I swore I was done doing."

Laughing, James nodded. "I know how that is. Not the girly part, but taking pains to make yourself look good."

"Katie started picking up on it, and one day she went with me and told me he had a crush on me. I didn't believe her, figured Katie was just being Katie, and it wasn't until another month passed that I started to think she might be right."

"What tipped you off?"

"The fact that one day I went in after spending hours cleaning, I had no make-up on and my hair was a mess and I was in my grungy old sweats but it was in the afternoon and I figured Glenn had already left for the day anyway. I was wrong."

"And?" James leaned back, settling in to enjoy the story.

"And that was the day he first told me I was beautiful. I thought I'd heard wrong, but he said it again, that I was beautiful. I wasn't sure what to make of that."

"Sometimes the simplest things are the most beautiful," James murmured.

"He didn't ask me out or anything, but I started having my coffee in the shop instead of getting it to go, and he'd find reasons to come talk to me. Eventually I asked him out, just a simple dinner, and it went so well that we made a weekly date of it. He never tried to kiss me or pressure me, he just enjoyed my company and made me laugh a lot."

"But when did you know?" James asked.

"I don't know. It got to the point where he was always in the back of my mind, no matter what I did or where I was he was with me, and I'd find myself wishing I was with him at the oddest times. Katie received an award and I couldn't wait to tell him. When the Sharks won the cup, he was the first person I called and screamed to, shared my excitement with. And when my mother died...I think that's what finally opened my eyes. He was there for me. Of course Kendall and Katie were too, but Glenn stayed up with me all night while I reminisced and cried, and when he left the next morning I didn't want him to go. It had been so wonderful to have someone at my side again, to lean on. But I told myself it was just because I was upset, because I was feeling needy. And then the next time I saw him, something snapped in me. I realized suddenly that while we'd become best friends, I wanted more, never wanted him to leave my life. It took me a few days to get up the courage but finally I went to tell him, to see if there was any way he might possibly feel the same, and arrived at the coffee shop to see him hugging another woman."

"Oh, Mom. That had to kill you."

"It did, but mostly because I felt I'd let my chance pass me by. All that time I'd had him right there and been too stupid to realize what I was feeling was love, and it was too late. I almost left but he saw me as I was walking out, called me over, and said how happy he was I was there because his sister had been dying to meet me."

"His...sister." James grinned.

"Exactly. So I met the sister, she was very sweet and made it obvious he talked about me often, and when she left I didn't waste another moment. I took him into the backroom and kissed him. Shocked the crap of out of him, but it worked. He said he'd been wanting to do that forever but had been afraid to come on too strong and chase me away. And I have to admit he might've if he'd tried that in the beginning."

"But how did you know you weren't just holding on to him because you didn't want to be alone? How did you know he was the one?"

"I'd been alone for years, James, and planned to stay that way for the rest of my life. Trust me, being alone wasn't a problem for me. But I knew for sure when I kissed him. It woke up feelings in me I hadn't had probably since Katie was a baby. I always shoved them down but with Glenn I suddenly couldn't. I think I almost got him fired that day because I wouldn't stop kissing him," she laughed. "But it all worked out. He said he'd known the first time I smiled at him he couldn't live without me, or at least without that smile. I can't live without his kiss. He's always there, in everything I do, and of course I'm fine when he's gone. It's not a crazy kind of 'I have to see him every second or I'll die' kind of thing. It's more than I don't feel whole until he's by my side again. I don't know how else to explain it. But that's just me, James. Everyone experiences love differently. What I feel for Glenn may not be what you'll feel for the man you're meant to be with."

James' gaze was on his feet, thoughts obviously spinning in his head.

"Have I helped you at all?"

"Yeah. More than you know." He looked up with a soft smile, standing suddenly to cross the space between them and hug her. "It's so hard, all of this. There are times when I think it'll all work out, and other times I'm terrified it won't. What if I make the wrong decision?"

"Follow your heart, honey. If you do that, you'll never make the wrong decision. Even if it means Kendall isn't the one you choose. He'll survive, and that will leave him free to find the one who lights up his world the way Glenn lights up mine. I have to say, though, that I hope you are that person, and if you're not, I want you to know you're welcome here anyway. Anytime you need to talk, you know where to find me, okay?"

"Thanks, Mom." James squeezed her tight. "I don't have a lot of those kind of people in my life."

"I know, sweetie. And even though Katie comes on strong, she's got a good heart. If you break Kendall's, it will take her a long time to forgive you, but that doesn't mean she won't eventually. Just to be safe, though, you should choose Kendall."

Laughing, James stepped back and shook his head. "No pressure, though, right?"

"None at all," Jennifer grinned. "I'm glad we got to meet you. I hope you know that whatever happens, things _will_ work out. Sometimes how you least expect them to."

"Thanks."

"Are you sure you can't stay longer? Glenn really did want to meet you."

"I'm so sorry, I wish I could. The show set up all the arrangements and I have to catch that flight."

"Alright. I think you've got just enough time for another make-out session with Kendall, if you hurry."

James laughed again and headed toward the kitchen, mind still spinning.

* * *

><p>"Well, I've definitely fallen in love with your family, Kendall."<p>

Kendall smiled, grabbing James' hand as they walked out toward the limo. "Really? Even Katie?"

"Yes, because once she learns to trust me, she'll be a valuable friend to have in my corner. She's ferocious about people she cares about."

"That she is."

"I wonder where she gets it," James teased.

"Yeah, maybe," Kendall conceded. "I do my best to make sure my loved ones are taken care of and happy. I feel like rather than an asset, that's a liability with you."

"It's not, Kendall. I respect it a lot. I haven't had many people in my life I feel really close to, but I get where the feeling comes from. I've only known you guys a short time and already I know I'd be willing to fight to the death for you."

"Really?" Kendall stopped walking. "You mean...me and Logan and Carlos?"

"Yes. I'm honestly scared this isn't going to end well, especially if Logan can't control his jealousy once I make that final decision, but I don't want to lose the opportunity to get to know you guys better as friends."

"Whatever you do, don't choose Logan just so we can all remain friends. That isn't going to make anyone happy."

"Kendall, have a little faith in me. I'm not stupid."

"Okay, just making sure. I know how tempting it can be to put others before yourself."

"I know you do."

They smiled at each other, Kendall leaning in for a kiss that James allowed before sighing. "You sure you can't stay longer? It feels like I barely got any time with you."

"I know. I'm sorry, it just worked out that you got shafted. I wanted to see your house while I was here, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they live."

"True, but you have to remember that I spend most of my time here anyway when I'm off-season. This is basically my home, much more than my house is."

"Would that change if we lived together?"

"To an extent, yes. I'd definitely want to go home with you at night." Kendall lifted James' hand to his and kissed it, James seeming to melt slightly. "And don't forget, if you wanted to, you could travel with me during the season. You'd fit right in with the team wives," Kendall teased.

"Shut up," James chuckled, and this time he was the one who initiated the kiss, drawing it out for much longer than necessary until Rich cleared his throat and reminded James they were pressed for time. "Damn, okay. I do need to go. Thank you, Kendall. For opening your home to me and your family. Katie actually shook my hand when I said goodbye."

"I saw that. It's a step."

"So I'll see you in a few days?"

"I'll be there, James."

"Promise? You're not going to decide I've already chosen Logan and why should you even bother?"

"No, I never thought that! I just felt you were leaning in that direction."

"What have I ever done to give you that impression?"

Not wanting to admit that it was more the things Logan said that gave him that impression, Kendall shrugged. "It's more a feeling. You act differently around him."

"You've hardly seen me with him."

"Enough to notice that much, James. You're different with all of us, though, not just Logan."

"Each of you brings out a different side of me. I can't help that."

"I know, but with Logan...you know what? You need to go. All this is gonna do is have us fighting in two minutes and I don't want to end this on a bad note."

"No, finish that. With Logan I'm what?"

Kendall sighed, wishing he'd never mentioned it. "I don't know. Just...I don't know."

"Fine. But don't ever assume you know what I'm thinking or feeling, Kendall."

"I'm not. If I did, I wouldn't still be here."

"Okay." There was one more brusque kiss from James, and then he climbed into the limo. "I'll see you Friday."

"I'll be there."

As the car disappeared into the distance, Kendall wondered why it was that he and James always seemed to end up arguing. His only consolation was that Logan had the same problem, too.


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

So...this is where the non-Jagan shippers start to hate me. Logan's date is turning into a monster. I feel horrible because it's already longer than the other guys' and it's not even half done yet. I blame this on Caroline and the fact that she has a lot to say, but also because it's important to show the interaction between her and James, and her/James/Logan. Logan's hometown date will be broken up into 2 or 3 chapters, mostly because this is as far as I've written and I don't want to make everyone wait until I get the whole thing done—that could be a week at the rate it's going, since I only have time to write while riding to and from work right now.

For those who ask, no—you won't get to read about Ryan's hometown date, though you will learn more about Ryan in the final chapter.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>The smile hadn't died since 6 A.M when Logan woke. He'd checked on Caroline, showered, dressed, checked on her again, and then went to the kitchen to put on coffee and start breakfast, all of it done with the smile that would not die.<p>

Today his dreams would come true.

Whether or not it would last past today was another story; fully aware that this could be the beginning of the end for him and James, Logan didn't delude himself into believing without a doubt it would work. James would get a glimpse of daily life with him and Caroline today, and would hopefully begin to understand just what he was getting himself into, but there was a part of Logan that wanted to believe it would all be okay, that James would fall in love with Caroline as he had Logan and would want to become part of their family.

Either way, his dream of having them in the same room and interacting together was going to happen. That would be enough to last him a lifetime.

Only slightly nervous, Logan piled the ingredients for breakfast on the kitchen counter. He wished there'd been something he could do about the fact that the house was old and falling apart, but as there wasn't, he had to live with it. The camera crew arrived shortly thereafter and Logan tried to act as if he wasn't being filmed; it was different without James or the guys around.

Logan wasn't comfortable with the fact that Caroline would be on camera, but he knew it was a necessity and had warned her the night before that the house would be filled with strange men but encouraged her to pretend they weren't there as much as she could. He explained it as if they were filming a video the way he and Grandma sometimes did when she was riding her horse or having a birthday party. She had no problem with this, especially if at some point she would get to ride Sunshine.

A pan was put on the stove, eggs cracked and beaten, vegetables chopped up. The closer it got the more his stomach twisted, not from nerves but from anticipation. He hadn't gone this long without seeing James since meeting him; even when he wasn't involved in a date, James had always found a way to talk to him, to reassure him for two minutes with a kiss or even just a look. Since Logan wasn't in the early part of the week, he had to assume James would have already visited two if not all three of the other guys, and who knew what could happen in that time? James could've fallen more in love with Carlos or Kendall or even Ryan, and if any of them had wonderful families, it would be difficult for James to pass that up.

_Don't worry about it. He loves you. You know he loves you._

Yes, Logan knew that. But was it enough?

The ringing of the doorbell jolted him, his heart suddenly racing. James was on the other side of that door.

Logan literally ran to the living room, hopping over a couch and just missing the table in his haste to get there. He flung open the door, his smile growing into a huge grin that almost hurt, and then he was in James' arms, or at least the one that wasn't holding a gift bag.

Lips found his hair, his forehead, and then finally the place he wanted them most, his mouth, as James kissed him with the same eagerness. The familiar taste made his knees weak, his hands gripping James' leather jacket to keep him near as if he had ideas about leaving, and it was a good five minutes before either of them came up for air.

Logan finally stepped back, feeling like he could breathe again, only then noticing Rich behind James. "Hey, Rich. Good to see you."

"Same, Logan. How you doing?"

"Much better now, thanks." Logan let out a breath and then allowed himself to look at James, who was smiling at him. "You look so damn good."

James grinned wider. "Thank you. Same goes for you. I'm not sure if that's because it's true or because we haven't seen each other in days, but-"

"Maybe it's both. Hi. I missed you."

"I missed you, too." James tilted his chin up, kissing him more softly this time, and then he sighed in contentment. "Okay. I'm good. Extremely nervous, but good. Where is she?"

"Still asleep, unless the doorbell woke her up. Though she probably would've come out here by now if that was the case. All she could talk about last night was how James is coming and he's going to take her to see Sunshine and teach her flips and watch movies with her and God, I don't know which one of us is more excited to see you at this point."

James laughed. "We'll call it even. Can I come in?"

"Oh! Yes! I'm sorry!" Logan backed into the house, waiting until both James and Rich had entered to close the door. "I was working on breakfast, come on into the kitchen."

"When are we waking up Caroline?"

"Soon, James. Soon." Logan grinned, reaching back to squeeze James' hand. "So you're nervous?"

"Of course I am. Kids can be tough. If she doesn't like me, she'll let me know."

"True, but I doubt that'll be a problem. Just talk to her like you do on the phone. What is all that?"

"Oh, this?" James set the bag on the kitchen counter and extracted two boxes from it. "You can open yours now, if you want. Caroline gets hers when she wakes up."

"What is it?"

"Not telling you. You'll just have to be surprised."

"You're so aggravating."

"But you love me anyway?"

Logan dragged James closer, lifting up slightly to kiss him. "I suppose."

"Mmm, you'd better." Another kiss that was brief this time, then James asked, "Is all that for us? What are you making, omelets?"

"And toast. Here, let me get you some coffee. You look tired."

"I got in late last night."

"Long date with someone else?"

"Are you fishing for clues?"

"Maybe."

"The truth is I had a lot on my mind and couldn't fall asleep right away."

After pouring a mug for James and passing it to him, Logan asked, "So who all have you seen so far?"

"I can't tell you." James took a sip and hummed. "Damn, that's good. Hot, but good."

"Is there anything you can't eat? I should've asked that first."

"I'm allergic to vegetables," James joked.

Logan rolled his eyes. "You sound like Caroline. She actually told me that one night. 'Daddy, I'm 'lergic to broccoli.' I didn't even know she knew what that word meant."

James grinned. "Okay, so I'm not actually allergic, but I—oh, fuck this."

Logan gave him a questioning look when he set his mug down, but then Logan understood when James pulled him close for another kiss, his tongue set on rediscovering Logan's mouth while his hands roamed everywhere. Logan didn't have it in him to stop James, feeling the same need to make up for lost time.

"I missed you," Logan said again, his voice hushed as James backed him up against the counter.

"There's never enough time."

"Maybe someday there will be. If everything goes well today...we can have that."

James nodded, hazel eyes staring into Logan's chocolate ones. "Can we wake her up now?"

"Not yet. We've got a little time still, and I want to open my present."

"It's really nothing much, don't get too excited."

"Let me be the judge of that." Logan sat down at the kitchen table, holding out a hand for his gift.

James passed a box to him and took the chair next to Logan, scooting it closer and laying an arm on the back of Logan's chair.

"You look nervous. What did you get me?"

"Just...something. Like I said, it's nothing big, and I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will, relax." To prove his point, Logan pressed a kiss to James' lips, then lifted the top off the box. He peeled back tissue paper to reveal a book, the cover distressed but artfully so. There was no title that appeared immediately. "What is it?"

"Open it and see."

Logan did, and found that it wasn't actually a book at all but rather a photo album, or perhaps the technical term would be a scrapbook. Each page contained pictures taken from their moments together, with the dates and locations listed at the bottom. Some were of the scenery and landmarks they'd visited, others the two of them doing simple things like walking on the beach or standing high above Rio gazing out at the city below. There was even a picture of them on the hot air balloon, Logan standing with James behind him and holding him near. "Where did these come from?" Logan whispered, in awe.

"A few are from my camera, but most of them are screenshots Rich took for me from the video he's gotten of us. I wanted you to have something to remember. I have a matching one at home."

When Logan finally tore his gaze away from the book there were tears in his eyes. "This is...you did this?"

"Well, with Rich's help, yes. It was my idea, though."

"Do you even know how much I love you, James? Can you even fathom what I'm feeling right now?"

James swallowed, unable to meet Logan's eyes, but he said, "I think I have some idea."

"I don't care what happens after today, leave here knowing that you are the love of my life and that's never going to change. Marry whoever you want, but know that, and know that what we have in this moment is the most perfect thing I have ever known."

James' eyes hardened slightly. "I hate it when you say things like that."

"I know, it makes it harder on you, but-"

"No, it's because you make it sound like this isn't going to last. Like you've already made up your mind on that."

"It's not me who's going to ruin this, James."

"Well, quit thinking I am."

"Look at the situation we're in. There's no guarantee you'll end up with me, I'm just trying to prepare myself for that if it doesn't happen."

"Fine, but don't convince yourself it's over before it's even begun."

"I'm not."

"You _are_. I know how hard this is, okay? I know it's not easy and you're scared that what I say to you or do with you might be nothing compared to what I do with everyone else, but I'm asking you right now, Logan. Trust me. Have faith in me."

"I want to."

"Then make it happen. Quit spending each day with me as if it's your last. Enjoy our time together as just that—time together." He leaned in, pressing his lips close to Logan's ear to whisper, "I love you. Please believe that."

Logan's head fell onto James' shoulder, his body slumping in relief. He'd sensed it, felt it in James' touches and his kisses, but hearing it was what he'd needed most. He knew James couldn't say it out loud, had known he probably would never hear those words unless he made it to the proposal, but now James had said it and the relief was overwhelming. That didn't mean they were in the clear, because there was still the Caroline issue to get past and Logan had no way of knowing if James loved the other guys as well, but it was enough for now.

"Okay?" James asked, running a hand over Logan's hair.

"Okay." They kissed again with the intent of it being brief, but it took an alarm going off on Logan's phone for him to pull away. "Time to wake her up. You ready for this, James?" He silenced the alarm before slipping the phone back into his pocket.

"No, not really. But yeah, go ahead."

"You don't want to come with me?"

"I...would she freak out?"

"I don't know. I'll tell you what-throw some toast in for me, and I'll handle the wake-up to make sure she's awake enough to greet you properly."

"Deal."

James' nervousness was cute, Logan squeezing James' shoulder as he stood. "I love the album."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. It's perfect."

"Cool." James rose to get started on toast, Logan looking back once before heading into Caroline's room.

The little princess was sleeping soundly, cheeks plump and rosy against the bright yellow pillow her head rested on. He sat on the edge of her bed, running a hand down her back. "Wake up, pumpkin. It's time for breakfast." She shifted, fighting to stay asleep, and Logan tried again. "I'm making you an omelet. With lots of cheese."

"Cheese," she echoed, half-awake now.

"And toast, we even have strawberry jelly this time."

"Sunshine."

"Yes, you get Sunshine, too, but not until after school. And James has a present for you, but you have to get up and get dressed first."

"James. Take me to ride Sunshine."

"We both will, yes. Come on, open your eyes."

They fluttered, then squinted against the sun pouring in even through the curtains. "Tired."

"You shouldn't have stayed up so late last night. I told you this would happen."

"Can James come now?"

Logan smiled. "I'll see what I can do. Don't fall asleep again, okay?"

"Kay."

Logan returned to the kitchen to find James speaking to Rich in a hushed voice, Rich reaching up to squeeze his shoulder. The moment they realized Logan was there the camera was raised again, Rich stepping back, and Logan wondered what that was about but let it go. "She's asking for you."

"For me? Really?"

"Mm-hm. She said, 'Can James come now?'"

"Oh. Wow. Okay." James smoothed down his hair and adjusted his jacket, which had Logan laughing.

"James, you're fine. It's just Caroline, she isn't going to care what you look like."

"I know, I just...I'm so nervous."

"Don't be. She loves you already." Logan held out a hand, James taking it in a death grip, and led James down the hall to Caroline's room, where he flipped on the light.

Caroline blinked a few times, letting her eyes adjust, and then Logan watched James enter the room, stiff as a board. "Relax," he whispered. "Be yourself."

"James? Did you come to be my prince today?"

James froze, Logan witnessing the wonder come over his face as he stared at the living, breathing version of the little girl he'd spoken to on the phone. Her tangled blonde hair was a mess, her eyes still full of sleep, and there was a pattern of paw prints all over her favorite pajama shirt. She lifted wide blue eyes up to James, who approached the bed slowly and sank to his knees next to it.

"I did."

"I made you a crown."

"I...have a crown?"

"Uh huh. You're big."

A laugh was choked out of him. "Yeah, I guess I am. Or maybe you're just little."

"Daddy says I'm just right."

Logan smiled, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the doorjamb and watched them.

"Well, your daddy doesn't lie."

"Nope. He says I get to have jelly, too."

"If I ever finish the toast, sure. Are you gonna get up and—oh no. The toast!"

James was up in a flash, running out of the room. Logan chuckled and returned to the bed. "Come on, let's go help James before he burns the house down. And we'll put on your special dress, okay?"

"Okay."

Logan got Caroline up and ready for her day, all except the hair which of course she fought him on. He gave up for the moment, frustrated, and followed her into the kitchen, where James was finishing up beautifully browned toast. "I see you saved it."

"Not the first batch. You can't smell that?"

"I smell it." Caroline's nose wrinkled. "Stinks."

"At least we know your nose works properly," James smiled, pressing a finger to it. "Ready for some toast with jelly?"

"Yeah!"

James set the plate on the table, Logan pulling butter and jelly out of the fridge before reaching back in for orange juice. He passed James that and glasses, then turned to the stove to resume the omelets he'd been about to start when James arrived. "You're not really allergic to vegetables, are you?"

"Nah. But I avoid them when I can."

"Vegetables are yucky," Caroline pointed out.

"The worst," James agreed.

Logan whipped his head over a shoulder to shoot James a warning glance. "Vegetables are good for you. And they're necessary to grow up big and strong."

"Right," James corrected himself. "Some of them don't taste good, but we have to eat them because they're good for us."

Logan nodded, letting James know that was a sufficient thing to say, and James relaxed some. "May I fix up your toast for you, Caroline?"

"Uh huh. I like it with jelly."

"So I gathered." James grinned, buttering a slice before slathering it with strawberry jelly while Logan finished up Caroline's omelet. "Here you go, princess."

"You didn't cut it."

"Oh. Uh...how do you like it cut?"

"Quarter it, James," Logan supplied. "Diagonally."

"Okay..." Grabbing a knife, James did that. "Is that right?"

"Yep!" Happy now, Caroline picked up a piece and bit into it, her lips smeared red as she chewed. Logan slid a small omelet onto her plate, cheese oozing from between the perfectly golden halves.

"Damn, that looks good, Logan."

"One thing I do well is cook," he beamed.

"That's not the only thing," James purred, causing Logan to blush but give James another warning glance.

"You eat ham?"

"I'll eat almost anything. Except-" Remembering his current company, James amended that. "Almost anything."

"Good. Caroline, eat your eggs, too."

"I will."

"Not when your toast is done, you'll be too full then. Do it now. Take a few bites of omelet."

Sighing, Caroline picked up her fork and obeyed.

Logan couldn't get over the way James was glued to her every move, fascinated. "James."

"Hmm?"

"Go ahead and make yourself some toast. And there's more coffee if you want it."

"That would be great, thanks." He stood up from the table, smiling at Caroline before joining Logan at the stove. "She's amazing," he whispered.

"I know. I'm a lucky guy."

"Yeah, you are." James planted a kiss on Logan's cheek, Logan allowing it but ready to fight off any other show of affection in front of Caroline. He had nothing to worry about, though, as James turned his attention to coffee. "So what's the plan for today, guys? I take it we're riding Sunshine?"

"Yeah! And Daddy said I get a whole hour today!"

"How much time do you usually get?"

"She usually only gets a half hour," Logan answered for her. "But with the full hour, she'll get to brush and feed him, get to learn some things about his care, and ride him for a little bit."

"Sounds good," James replied. "What time do they open?"

"She can't go until after school."

"School? She has to go to school today?" James' face fell, a serious pout on its way when Logan clarified the statement.

"She's only going a half-day. I was going to keep her home, but it's picture day and she can't miss that."

"Picture day? Oh my god, is that why she's in that adorable dress?"

Caroline hopped out of her seat. "Look, James! It has ruffles! When I do this, they dance!" She wiggled her body, twisting it back and forth like a washing machine spindle. The ruffles did indeed dance around her knees.

The look on James' face was one Logan would never forget. He was melting on the inside, falling more in love with Caroline each second. Logan slid an arm around James' waist, his own heart so happy.

"She's beautiful," James whispered.

"I know," Logan answered softly, laying his head on James' chest.

"I'm gonna dance when they take my picture."

"Oh no, you're not. You're going to give me a nice, big smile." Straightening up, Logan pointed to her chair. "Eat some more of your omelet, we don't have a lot of time and we still have to do your hair."

Caroline returned to her chair, taking another bite of her eggs even though she obviously wasn't pleased about it. Logan flipped the concoction in the frying pan and then turned off the stove, letting it settle before halving it. "Pass me a plate, love?"

James reached for one and then froze at the same time Logan did, their eyes locking onto each other.

"Did you just-" James started.

"Did I-"

"Yeah, you did."

"I'm sorry, I didn't even think, I just-"

"It's okay. No one's ever called me that before, it surprised me."

"I...it just..."

"Logan." James set the plate down on the counter and leaned in, kissing him gently. "It's fine."

"Ooooooooooh, I'm telling! Daddy and Ja-ames sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-"

"Caroline! Enough."

James snickered. "Sorry."

"I swore I wasn't going to kiss you in front of her."

"Oops?"

Sighing, Logan picked up the plate and slid half the omelet onto it. "Here. Go eat your vegetables."

"Fine." Hanging his head, James took his coffee and breakfast to the table. "Can I snag one of your little toast squares?"

"Sure! Are you gonna marry my daddy?"

Coffee spewed everywhere, droplets spraying all over their plates and the table.

"Ew, gross! You spit on me, James!"

Rich couldn't hold it in, James glaring at him until he stopped laughing. "I'm sorry, Caroline, I'm sorry, hang on, let me...Logan, can we get a towel over here?"

"On it, calm down." Logan wiped Caroline's face with a dish towel. "Honey, why would you ask that?"

"Cause he kissed you. When you kiss, you get married."

"Sometimes, Caroline, but not always."

"I saw it on T.V., Daddy. They kissed and the man said, 'Man and wife.'"

James raised an eyebrow. "So you didn't say anything about-"

"No! I wouldn't, not until I knew for sure and then maybe not even for a long time, it's not going to be easy for her. Caroline, you're done. Go get me the brush."

"No."

Logan gave her a threatening look and she scampered off.

"Jesus." Still wide-eyed, James said, "That was the last thing I expected out of her mouth."

"Well, if you hadn't kissed me-"

"I couldn't help myself, you called me 'love,' what was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, control yourself better?"

"You know I have no control around you, we've been through this, I get near you and I can't even think straight, you make me crazy and I-"

"Here, Daddy!" Caroline whizzed into the room, waving a brush around.

"What is that thing?" James asked, distracted for the moment.

"It's my brush. But it hurts. I don't like it."

"Well, no wonder, look at those stiff bristles. Logan, are you trying to scalp her with that?"

"There's nothing wrong with that brush, it works fine."

"On your hair, maybe; yours is short. Longer hair takes a gentler hand. Come here, Caroline."

She approached almost fearfully, holding the brush out to him.

"Get rid of that thing." James plucked it out of her hand and tossed it onto the table, then reached into a back pocket and whipped out a black comb. "Now, only super special people get to use this, okay? This is my Lucky Comb."

"Can princesses use it?"

"Yes. You and me, we get to use it because we're royalty. Is there a spray bottle somewhere, Logan?"

"No, she's has a detangler that works."

"That stuff dries out your hair. We can do without it. Turn around, princess."

Logan watched with narrowed eyes, torn between awe and resentment that James was able to do with Caroline what he had to fight for. Hands more gentle than Logan had ever witnessed, James started at the bottom and combed out the snarls, using his left hand to hold the tresses in place so they didn't tug on her scalp when he ran the comb through them.

"How are you wearing your hair today?"

"Daddy got me a bow."

"We can work with a bow. Logan?"

"Sure. Be right back."

He returned quickly with the headband he'd purchased the day before, one that matched her dress in color and had a big floppy bow attached to it. James grimaced but took it. "Thanks, love," he said with a smirk, an answering smile tugging at Logan's lips.

"That didn't hurt, Daddy! Do I look pretty?"

Logan knelt before her, one hand resting on James' knee. "You look beautiful, pumpkin, just like you always do. Now let's get this headband settled on you...there. Perfect. James?"

Spinning her around for a better look, James cocked his head. "She needs a little body."

"But I have a body. I have feet, and hands, and a head and arms and-"

"No, honey, I meant your hair could be a little more poofy."

"It's fine, James," Logan bickered. "It's a school picture, not a photo shoot."

"Which is basically the same thing. But okay, you're the dad."

Spying the microwave, Logan said, "Crap, is it that late? We need to get going."

"Logan, did you eat anything?"

He shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I'll grab something later."

"No, you need to eat."

"I'm fine, love. Let's get her shoes on and get moving, I don't want her to be late."

"You sure?"

"Positive." Logan offered James a smile, feeling that pull to kiss him again and seeing in James' eyes he was feeling the same, but Logan curbed that temptation and rose to his feet. "Honey, go get your pretty black shoes."

"My ballet slippers? James, come look at my shoes!"

A second later James was being tugged out of his chair and dragged down the hall, Logan watching them go with a smile. He knew that even if James did marry him it wouldn't always be this easy; James was new and exciting to Caroline, and soon enough he would become an evil parent just like Logan, but for the moment it was precious to watch and Logan wished this day would never end.

* * *

><p>Logan would have preferred to drive his own car, but there was no camera installed and Rich would have a poor view from the backseat; Caroline's excitement over riding in the "big car" made up for it anyway.<p>

After Logan took a minute to relay their itinerary to the driver and make sure he knew where he was going they piled in, Logan keeping his distance for all of thirty seconds before sliding up against James, who hugged him close while encouraging Caroline to be seated. She immediately settled in next to him, frowning when Rich joined them.

"How come you get to come?"

"He's special," Logan replied. "He goes everywhere with James."

"Hi, I'm Rich." He held out a hand but Caroline gasped, eyes wide.

"You are? Do you live in a fancy house? Daddy says if we were rich we could buy one but we're poor."

"Caroline, we are not poor. We are very blessed to have what we do."

"I want a real castle."

James studied her. "Where, in the backyard?"

"That would be neat!"

"James," Logan warned.

"What? I said nothing."

Logan shook his head, his heart wanting to burst for this man who was most likely plotting to build a castle for Caroline. "You will not spoil her."

James shrugged.

Caroline was staring at Rich. "How does that work?"

Rich smiled at Caroline. "Want to look in? I'll show you what I see."

Once Caroline had hopped to the seat across from them, James turned to Logan. "So do I get to meet your mom?"

"Yeah, she's coming over for dinner. And probably to give you the third degree."

"I would expect nothing less. What's she cooking?"

"I can see Daddy and James! Look, they're right there!"

Grinning while waving at the camera, Logan answered, "Mom's not cooking anything. I figured you all could watch a movie or do crazy flips while I'm working on dinner."

James blinked, then his mouth curved up into a smile. "You're cooking for me?"

"Of course. You didn't eat any of your breakfast either, did you?"

"No, I had planned to, it looked really good. But then Caroline asked if I was going to marry you."

"Mmm, you should've given her an answer," Logan teased. "She's horrible at keeping secrets."

James' eyes twinkled when he leaned in for a light kiss, Caroline immediately breaking into song again.

"Daddy and Ja-ames sitting in a tree!"

"Okay, okay, Caroline." Logan pulled away, angry at himself for not having more control.

When Caroline whispered something to Rich, he cracked up, sobering quickly at the curious glances from Logan and James.

"What did she say?" Logan wanted to know.

"Oh, she just said James is going to marry her daddy because married people kiss a lot like you guys."

James smiled but Logan did not, determined now to keep his hands and lips off James when Caroline was present.

"How would you feel about that, Caroline?" James asked. "If I wanted to marry your daddy?"

Logan gaped, immediately wanting to smack James. What was he thinking? "Caroline, don't-"

"Do you love my daddy?"

James was speechless for a few seconds, then he met Caroline's unwavering gaze. "Yes, I do," he answered firmly.

"Okay then. I think Daddy loves you, too."

Logan was silent for the remainder of the ride, emotions a storm inside him, but when James held his hand he allowed it.

* * *

><p>James and Rich stayed behind while Logan escorted Caroline to class, making sure her bow wasn't crooked and her dress hung properly. "I'll pick you up after lunch, okay? I love you, sweetheart."<p>

"I love you too, Daddy. Will James come back?"

"Yes, he's here with us all day."

"And I get to see Sunshine?"

"Yes. Be good."

"Okay."

She skipped off and Logan took a moment, leaning against a wall to gather his thoughts. Everything had been a whirlwind since James walked through the door, and he knew their next conversation would most likely end up with them fighting.

Things were so much easier when it was just the two of them, but the reality was that Caroline would always be there and if they couldn't find a middle ground, this wasn't going to work. He climbed into the limo with a sigh.

The first words out of James' mouth were, "I know you're mad at me-"

"Of course I'm mad at you! What are you thinking, you don't ask her questions like that! I told you, one simple hint becomes fact in her mind and if you're not going to marry me it might devastate her. She's already attached to you."

"Well, I had to ask at some point! Her opinion is important to me."

"I know, James, and I love that, but there are better ways to go about it. You don't just ask her out of the blue if she wants us to get married."

"She started it!"

Logan's mouth opened slightly. "_She started it?_ Did you really just say that?"

James shrugged, cheeks reddening. "Look, I need to know how she feels. If she hates me-"

"James, she does not hate you. That is glaringly obvious to anyone with eyes. She let you brush her hair, for God's sake! That's huge, you don't even know."

"Well how am I _supposed _to know? She brought it up and I thought it was a good window of opportunity so I took it and we'll have to have that conversation at some point anyway, so why not now?"

"Because we don't know how this is going to turn out, James!" Logan yelled. "You might pick Kendall or Carlos and then what the hell do I tell Caroline? She's five, she doesn't understand all of this. One day we're kissing and the next time she sees you, you're kissing Kendall or Carlos and what does that do to her? Tell me, James, what do I say to her when she asks why you're kissing someone else instead?"

James looked away to form an answer, and when he spoke his voice was low and serious. "Did you not even hear what I said to her, Logan? Did you miss the part where I said I love you? Do you think I'd say something like that to your daughter if it wasn't true?"

"No, I just...I'm so afraid to believe. I know you love me. I've known that since Rio. What I don't know is if it's enough. I know you love them, too. They come with so much less baggage and-"

James' arms reached out to pull Logan close, his mouth cutting off the argument so that Logan had no choice but to melt into it, this being something he would never tire of. "Stop fighting me," James whispered, eyes pleading. "Please."

This time it was Logan who initiated the kiss, James helping him when Logan made a move to climb up onto his lap and settling Logan into place with a sigh. Their mouths teased each other until touches became a little more desperate, Logan rocking over James when his body began to scream for a repeat of their last night alone. His head fell back as James' teeth grazed his throat, hands sliding up to tangle in James' hair and tug brutally so that James cried out, and the next thing Logan knew he was on his back, having been thrown onto the long seat.

He was bereft for a few seconds, the loss of that touch torture, but then James was on him, one elbow resting over his shoulder while the other hand unbuttoned his shirt and James' mouth sucked at his neck. There would be a mighty bruise by morning, but Logan welcomed it as the other had faded and he missed having that reminder that all of it hadn't been a dream.

"Don't stop," Logan begged just as Rich called out "Brooke," and for once it did nothing. James waved a hand in dismissal toward Rich, continuing to free Logan from his shirt while he devoured the bare skin that appeared, and Logan closed his eyes when the kisses neared his waistband. "Yes," he urged, hands back in James' hair and guiding him lower.

"Guys. _Guys._ We're here. Guys, stop!"

James ripped his mouth away, glaring up at Rich with a feral groan of frustration.

"I'm sorry, we're here," Rich repeated.

"Fuck." James sat up, running a hand through his hair. "Where the hell are we?"

Sitting up slowly, Logan looked around while getting a grip on his breathing. "Work. The library."

"Oh. Oh! I get to see where you work?" James' bright grin chased away the last vestiges of frustration.

"Yes, I thought it was a good idea. I don't know that we'd live here, I'll probably want to move, but today is about understanding my daily life. But we won't stay long, we have to pick up Caroline in a few hours."

"That's cool, I don't mind watching you in action. Button up your shirt, though, you look ravished and sexy. I don't want anyone else lusting after you."

Only blushing slightly, Logan did what he was told.

"Here, comb your hair. It looks like we just had sex."

Logan took the comb with a raised eyebrow. "Even though I'm not royalty?" he teased.

"Please, you're the king of my heart. That's more than worthy of my Lucky Comb."

"James..." When he said things like that, Logan almost wished he wouldn't because it was too easy to imagine James only said words like that to him. He couldn't express that, though, or James would accuse him of not believing again.

"Be quiet and comb your hair. I know what you're thinking."

"Fine."

One corner of James' mouth turned up, Logan fighting not to respond in kind but losing the battle quickly, and when he passed the comb back James said, "Thank you, love."

Heart melting, Logan sighed. "What am I gonna do with you?"

"Love me in return."

Logan nodded. "Done."


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Here's the rest of Logan's date. Long chapter, but again—Caroline had a lot to say, and James DID stay at Logan's twice as long as he did at either Carlos' or Kendall's.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

So for those who don't know, this is how "The Bachelor" works. Approximately 30 contestants are chosen to compete on the show. They live in one big house together for about six weeks, and each week at least one contestant is eliminated at the rose ceremony. If the Bachelor gives you a rose, it means you stay another week. There are other roses given for other reasons (for example, the First Impression rose is given to the contestant who makes the best first impression on the Bachelor), and once you receive one of those roses you're guaranteed to remain until the next week. At the end of each date the Bachelor also has the choice of giving his contestant a rose or deciding not to, and that decides whether you go home or not. There are group dates and one-on-one dates and the drama gets out of hand sometimes because the competition can be vicious, but ultimately it gets down to two contestants and at that point the Bachelor decides to propose to one of them, or he can choose to propose to neither of them. I've taken some liberties with the rules and the process here, partly because I'm not sure of all the rules and partly because it works better for the story, but hopefully it makes sense and stays somewhat true to the show's atmosphere.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>James got a tour of the library, Logan explaining his presence to those who asked as "a friend I met while on leave" and resisting when James would absently try to hold his hand. It had become second nature to them, but Logan wasn't about to stir up talk among his co-workers. After debating, he had asked Rich to stay behind, knowing it would cause a sort of disturbance in the library and lead to even more questions he wasn't ready to answer yet.<p>

Twice James was recognized, Logan witnessing the celebrity side of James for the first time. He stood back and allowed the girls to fawn over James, who was gracious and let them take pictures with him as Logan watched with an amused expression. Maybe because he was used to seeing James as the center of so much adoration, and to a greater extent, it didn't bother Logan as much as he would've thought—as long as the girls weren't overly touchy.

Logan apologized at one point for the fact that they were continually interrupted by staff, who upon hearing he was in the building had to come and say hello. He'd set everything up before he left to run itself, basically, each staff member knowing what was expected of them, and he was happy to hear that with April's leadership, things were going well.

"Everyone asks about Caroline," James smiled.

"They all know her, she comes in on the weekends for storytime. Plus I have about a million pictures of her in my office," Logan grinned.

"Can I see them?"

"Sure! In the back here, come on." Logan led James to the area behind the main part of the library, taking him past a few desks and stacks of books to be processed, and it was a small space that Logan owned but it was his. Everything was in place, there were indeed pictures on the walls and a few on his desk, and James' comment was, "I'm shocked your desk isn't piled with paperwork since you've been gone so long."

"No, I told April before I left that I expected her to handle everything as if I wasn't coming back. I think I scared her with that; nobody knows why I took the leave, but I didn't want things left hanging for weeks."

"Who's April?"

"My right arm, basically. She's running the show while I'm out, and it looks like she's doing a great job. Not that I'm surprised, she's pretty amazing. Smart, capable, sweet, and she really cares about the library. If I do end up leaving, she'll be the one to take over."

"Good friend of yours?"

Logan shrugged. "Probably the closest thing I have to a friend."

"Logan? Is it true, are you here?"

Logan looked toward the door, where a cute blonde was rushing in and right past James without even noticing him. "Hey, April!"

"Logan, oh my god, hi! How are you?" She hugged him tight, Logan chuckling and hugging her back.

"I'm good. How are things here?"

"Same as always, you know. Are you here to stay?" She finally stepped back, face full of excitement.

"No, I'll be leaving again for at least a few more weeks. I just stopped in with my friend James to show him the place." Logan gestured toward James, who nodded once in greeting.

"Oh, hi. Nice to meet you." Immediately turning back to Logan, April asked, "How's Caroline? She came in a few times with your mom but when I ask she just says you went on a trip. I did hear something about a pyramid, so did you go to Egypt or what?"

"No, not quite," Logan hedged, unwilling to give too much information.

"She also said you were going to try and get her a baby kangaroo. Australia?"

"No," he laughed. "Nothing that exotic, though I tried to convince _this_ guy we needed to go there."

Again James said nothing, only offered a tiny smile.

"So you're coming back soon?"

"Yeah, I'll be back eventually. Everything seems to be going well, though. How do you like being in charge?"

"I won't lie, it sucks sometimes. I understand now why you get so frustrated with the budget. Or lack thereof."

"Exactly. It's hard to run a library on what they give us. But no problems with the staff?"

"None at all, everyone takes direction from me without complaint. I was about to head out for lunch, want to join me?"

"I'm sorry," Logan replied, shaking his head. "We won't be here too long, and I have to pick up Caroline in a bit. We'll talk when I get back for good, okay?"

"Okay. So good to see you."

"You, too. Thank you for stepping up, April. I know it was sudden, but I had this opportunity and I couldn't pass it up."

"You can't give me a hint?" April pressed. "I'm terrified it's some horrible medical condition you're dealing with."

"No, nothing like that," Logan smiled, gaze swinging over to James. "It's a good thing."

James' eyes warmed with affection, Logan sensing that he couldn't wait until they were alone again to kiss him for that comment.

April sighed. "That's a relief. But we miss you around here, Logan. It's not the same without you."

"I'm sure you're doing just fine, but thank you."

James suddenly found his voice. "Logan, did you want to grab lunch before we pick up Caroline? Since we never got around to breakfast?"

"Um...if we have time. I'm not sure we will."

"We should probably get going, then."

"Yeah, okay." What was the sudden hurry? Logan forced away visions he'd had of James taking him here on the desk, ashamed of himself for wanting something of that nature but the way James was staring at him left him breathless.

"I need to get back to work anyway." April hugged Logan again. "Glad to hear you're okay. Come back soon."

"I'll be back, don't worry."

She stepped back and smiled at him, then exited the office. James reached over to close the door, locking it, and Logan grinned. "You're feeling it, too?"

"What I'm feeling is the need to sit her down and explain to her that you're not available."

"Who? April?"

"Yes, April. She is so smitten with you."

"No, she isn't. We work closely together, she's missed me, and-"

"Logan, you are so blind. How do you not realize how sexy you are? She asked you to lunch. While I'm standing right here!"

"She has no idea I'm even remotely gay, so she wouldn't consider you more than a friend to me. And we have lunch together a few times a week, that's nothing new."

"Because she wants more. I saw it in her eyes, Logan, it's so obvious. I know what it looks like when someone's into you. Trust me."

"Yeah? Is that because you—wait a minute. Were you_ jealous_?"

James rolled his eyes. "What ever gave you that impression?" he asked sarcastically. "Of course I was jealous! She was dying to be alone with you!"

"Well, guess what? She's not, and you are. We can definitely get lunch before we pick up Caroline, I'm starving. But that gives us about..." Looking at his watch, Logan continued, "ten minutes. What can we do in ten minutes without a camera filming us, James?"

James let it go then, the need he'd been stifling since the limo, and Logan loved that with just a few words he could bring this side of James to life. He dragged Logan over to his desk chair, sitting down in it before pulling Logan onto his lap, Logan meeting the assault with the same level of urgency.

"Been dying for this since the first time, I get cravings for you out of the blue. It drives me insane."

"So the pain wasn't too horrible?" James whispered between kisses, his fingers working at Logan's belt.

"It was, but it numbed quickly and then it wasn't pain anymore, it was just...mmm, perfection."

"I don't have anything with me other than a condom, it's lubed but I don't know if that's-" His words cut off suddenly, hands stilling.

Logan pulled back, studying James' face and then following his gaze to the desk, where no less than four framed pictures sat watching them. "I can flip them around if it bothers you to have Caroline's eyes on us," Logan teased.

James didn't even crack a smile. He pushed Logan off him, standing to move around the desk. "It's not Caroline."

"Oh." Of course. Each picture contained Jane as well, one of them showing the three as a happy family and looking as if nothing could be better than that moment in time. "I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you to see her but I don't want Caroline to ever forget her. It's important to me to keep her alive for that reason, so that Caroline remembers her."

"I get it."

"James," Logan sighed.

"No, I do. She should remember her mother. I'd want that if I had a child and died, I'd want her to remember me, too."

"You know that what I feel for you is completely different than what I felt for Jane, right? I was never this alive with her."

"Yeah. Let's go get some lunch."

Without another word James unlocked the door and stepped out, Logan wanting to bash his head into the nearest wall. How could James not see it, that he was everything Logan had ever needed in life? "James."

James stopped and turned back slowly, gaze haunted.

"I love you."

Finally melting a bit, James held out a hand to Logan, and this time Logan took it. Let them say what they would. He was in love.

* * *

><p>As James was in his element the moment they arrived at the stable, Logan was content to stand back and watch. James was a fount of knowledge on the care and feeding of horses, Logan beginning to understand James' penchant for being turned on when he went into lecture mode. It didn't hurt that James got on a horse himself and took Caroline around the track, setting a slow pace so Sunshine could keep up; James still looked hotter than anyone had a right to on a horse.<p>

Logan stood near Rich, taking pictures occasionally as they talked even though Rich was filming every moment. Whenever Caroline giggled Logan's heart flipped over, the joy evident on her face as they circled the track.

"You never ride with her?" Rich asked.

"Sure, but not often. Usually she goes with the girl who owns the horses. I know enough about horses to get by, but nothing like James."

After a minute Rich said, "You uh...you know you're special, right?"

Logan glanced up in surprise, then nodded. "Yeah, I do. Doesn't mean the rest of them aren't, too."

Rich went silent then, and Logan took that as agreement. He knew better than most how amazing Kendall and Carlos were. He wondered briefly when he'd stopped considering Ryan a threat and hoped that wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass. Ryan truly would be the logical choice if James wanted to avoid drama. If he was looking for the best match, Kendall would probably be the chosen one, and it would be Carlos if James wasn't ready for anything too heavy.

When the hour was up, Caroline ran to him clad in her special helmet and boots. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, did you see me?"

"I did! Look, I even took pictures this time."

"Let me see!"

Logan bent down so Caroline had a better view, James coming up behind him and resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Look, James! Daddy took pictures of us on the horses!"

"I see that. I expect copies of those before I leave tonight."

"Got your camera with you?" Logan asked, tilting his head back.

"Of course. Just let me save them from your card to my camera." James took the opportunity to sneak in a quick kiss, planting one on Logan's lips from above.

"Daddy, James said he might buy me a horse."

James' eyes widened in fear. "Caroline, that was supposed to be a secret!"

Logan stood, voice clipped. "James. Over here. Now."

"Shit." James sighed, hanging his head as he followed Logan far enough away that they wouldn't be overheard except by Rich, who followed. "I know what you're gonna say."

"And yet you still do it. This is where you fail with her, James. You have no control."

"I'm sorry, she looks at me with those big eyes and I can't-"

"I know, but you _have_ to. I won't marry a man who's going to turn her into a spoiled brat."

"Logan, it's a fucking horse!"

"And a castle. And whatever else is waiting for her at home. If you can't learn how to say no to her, this isn't going to work."

James stared at Logan, hurt in his eyes. "So for loving your daughter, I lose you?"

"No, of course not," Logan sighed, "but love isn't about giving in to every demand. You have to do what's best for her. And for us, if it comes to that."

"I feel like that's a threat."

"It's not, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. But not if it's going to damage her somehow."

James bit his lip, turning away in frustration, and Caroline yelled over at them. "Can we get ice cream now?"

Logan glanced at James. "We don't have enough time for ice cream," he said softly.

Knowing what Logan wanted, James glared daggers at him before returning to Caroline. He bent down to one knee and said, "I'm sorry, princess, we don't have time. Maybe next time."

Sadness rose in her eyes as she fretted, "But what if I never see you again?"

After giving Logan a tortured expression, James replied, "We just have to pray that you will."

"I know how to pray. I say a prayer to Mommy every night. She's watching us right now."

Stunned, James stood and left them, walking toward the stable's exit. Logan was tempted to stop him, knowing James was probably dying inside, but this was something else he'd have to get used to; they talked about Mommy every day, and if James couldn't handle that, it was one more reason they needed to end this.

"Come on, sweetheart, Grandma should be at the house by now. I bet she's got a treat for you." Taking Caroline's hand, Logan led her to the limo after removing her helmet. She climbed in next to James, holding the camera and scrolling through the pictures while James leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

Logan didn't speak to James on the ride home, but the way they held on to each other spoke volumes about their fears for the future.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Mitchell waited for them in the kitchen, a fresh pitcher of lemonade welcoming them as well as hugs for Caroline and Logan. She greeted Rich when Logan introduced him, then turned to James with a smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you in person, James."<p>

"You too, Mrs. Mitchell. I'm in love with your family."

"That's good to hear," she laughed. "All Caroline was able to talk about the past week is meeting you. I assume it's going well?" When neither James nor Logan replied, her smile fell slightly.

"Grandma, look at the pictures Daddy took! James took me to ride Sunshine!"

"Sure, Caroline, I had nothing to do with that," Logan whined.

"Hush," Mrs. Mitchell chastised. "You know you're her hero, James is just new and exciting right now. Grab yourselves some lemonade. Rich, would you like a glass?"

He nodded, taking it when she passed one over.

"Speaking of pictures," James began, "I seem to recall being promised pictures from a parade?"

Caroline gasped. "That's _my_ parade! I was a tiger! I had a tail and everything!"

"Show me."

"Grandma, Grandma-"

"Hold on, let me go get my laptop. The pictures are on there."

Caroline hopped up and down in excitement. "I wanted to be a kangaroo but Grandma said we didn't have enough stuffing?"

When Mrs. Mitchell returned to the kitchen she sat at the table, Caroline climbing up onto the chair next to her and kneeling for a better view. "It has to boot up, baby. Have patience."

"Well, while we're waiting..." James picked up the box he'd set on the counter that morning, taking the chair on Caroline's other side. "Why not open my present?"

"That's for me?"

"It sure is."

Logan watched, his stomach sinking now, and prayed it wasn't something extravagant. He took the final chair, across from Caroline, and noted James wasn't nervous at all about this present; instead he was eager, fidgeting as if fighting to keep from opening it himself.

Her tiny fingers ripped at the paper, which Logan noticed now was covered in various paw prints. Even weeks ago when he'd put together this present, James had known her so well. The box inside also boasted a paw print, this one large and spanning the width of the lid. "James, if you got her a puppy, I'll-"

"Relax, it's not a puppy," James chuckled, eyes twinkling as he watched Caroline lift the lid. "It's something she's been wanting for a long time."

Logan cringed, but what Caroline pulled out of the box was a stuffed kangaroo. She let out an ear-piercing squeal, everyone cringing at that point.

"I got a kangaroo! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, look I got a kangaroo!"

"Can she read?" James asked suddenly.

"Some, yes. She's at a second grade level. Why?"

"Caroline, look in the box. There's more. Can you read the paper inside?"

She dug further into the box, pulling out a sheet with writing and a seal on it. "What does it say?"

"Let me see that." Logan grabbed it, eyes narrowing as they moved quickly over the words. "Oh, James."

"What is it?"

Blinking fast, Logan managed, "Well...you now own a kangaroo."

"Yeah, it's right here!"

"No, sweetie, an _actual_ kangaroo. In Australia. James adopted one for you. This is a certificate that says you own a real one."

"There should be a picture in the box, too." James reached in, showing Caroline the card that featured a picture of the species and talked about it in detail. "See? This is your kangaroo. It's a baby one."

"A joey! I have a joey!"

"Yes, a joey," James laughed. "He lives in Australia."

"Can I go see him?"

"Not right now," James answered with a grin. He finally chanced a look at Logan, terrified he'd find Logan so angry he couldn't speak, but Logan's speechlessness wasn't due to anger. He stood, holding out a hand to James.

"We'll be right back, Mom."

"Take your time, boys. I found the pictures, but they'll be here when you get back."

Logan's hand tight in his, James allowed Logan to lead him out of the house and onto the patio. "Was that too much?"

"No," Logan answered softly, turning to James with a smile. "That was perfect."

"Why is that okay but a horse isn't?"

"It's not the horse that's the problem, James. It's the promise. Giving her gifts is one thing; promising her a future is another. When you tell her about horses and castles, you're putting the idea in her head that you're going to be a part of her life. We both know that might not be the case, and it will devastate her if she gets too attached."

"But if it_ is_ the case, she needs to get used to it now, right?"

"I would just rather wait until the contest is over, until I know for sure we can count on this. I know you love me. Everything you say and do tells me that."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm not the only one. And I get that, that's how the game is played. You have all these feelings for different guys and there's no guarantee that when you have to make that final choice, you'll go with me. And I wouldn't hate you for it. If I'm not the right one for you, then it's best we know now."

James stepped closer, framing Logan's face with his hands. "What if you are?"

"Then I'll be the one in the end and you can promise horses and castles when you come to live with us. But James...you're getting the light version of our lives. Once Caroline gets used to you, she's going to argue with you sometimes, she won't mind you all the time, and you'll have to be the bad guy once in a while. I don't know if you're ready for that."

"I'll do what it takes to have you in my life. I can be the bad guy, trust me."

"Even with her?"

James looked down, a rueful smile at his lips. "It might take a little practice."

Logan wrapped his arms around himself. "There's just so much. She gets sick and sometimes doesn't go to sleep right away or wakes up in the night and then there's school and making sure she eats right and she even has homework and-"

"Hey. I know it isn't easy."

"But you'd have an easy life with Kendall or Carlos or Ryan, and with me it would be so much of a hassle."

"I know, but there's one thing I'd have with you that I wouldn't have with them."

"What's that?" Logan asked.

"You," James said simply.

A rush of so much emotion hit Logan that all he could do was ask, "How are you even real?"

"I ask myself that about you every day."

"James..." It was a whisper because Logan could manage no more, overwhelmed. James' lips captured his, the familiar weakness stealing over him so that James held him up, and he suddenly needed more. It wasn't going to happen, Caroline and his mother were right inside the house and Rich was less than twenty feet away, and he groaned in frustration. "That's another thing. We won't be able to just go at it when we want to. We'll have to wait until she's in bed and asleep every night."

James shrugged. "That's the least of my concerns, you're worth the wait. In the meantime there are kisses, and holding your hand, and having you next to me."

"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames! Come see my costume!"

They both laughed. "This is what I'm talking about," Logan commented. "It's all about her when she's around."

"As it should be." He took Logan's hand in his. "Let's go look at her costume."

"I can't believe you adopted a kangaroo for her."

"It wasn't hard. I think it's more symbolic than anything else, but now she can tell everyone she owns a joey."

"And she will. Trust me."

"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames!"

"Coming, princess!"

Laughing again, they headed back into the house hand in hand.

* * *

><p>After Logan changed Caroline into play clothes, she won two games of Candyland before James insisted on Chutes and Ladders. She wasn't happy about that, as she usually lost, but when he asked she ran to get it. Logan and James each won a round of that, causing Caroline to pout and demand a rematch of Candyland because "I hate this game."<p>

"Losing once in a while is good for you, Caroline."

James frowned. "Losing sucks. How is that good?"

"Because it teaches her that you can't always have what you want in life."

Rolling his eyes, James looked down at Caroline. "Losing sucks," he repeated.

She nodded. "Losing sucks."

"James, really? You're teaching my child that?"

"It's true."

"Life isn't fair."

"I know that, and it sucks."

"Yeah," Caroline agreed. "It sucks."

"Okay, you are not allowed to use that word ever again." With a stern look, Logan added, "Either of you."

James leaned in with a smirk and whispered, "But I can still do it, right? Suck?"

Logan stood up suddenly, face red. "Don't you two have some flips to work on?"

"Yeah! James! You promised to teach me flips!"

"I did," James grinned. "Come on, beautiful." He picked her up and spun her around, laughing as she squealed and held on tight.

"Again!"

Logan watched them go, standing near the patio door while James continued to spin her and she screamed with laughter. A hand fell on his shoulder, his mother having finished up an emergency phone call with a client.

"I'm sorry about that, sweetie. No more work, I promise."

"It's okay, you didn't miss much. We beat her at Chutes and Ladders."

"Oh, she hates that."

"Yeah, and if you hear her using the word 'sucks' please put a stop to it."

She chuckled. "Okay. He's good with her."

"Yeah."

"You don't sound convinced."

"No, I am, he's great with her, I just...you know. Don't want to get used to it."

James got onto his knees after tossing his jacket aside, giving Caroline some kind of instructions as she listened with a serious expression.

"You just might win this, honey. He's head over heels for you, it's obvious every time he looks at you."

"I know, but he loves the other guys, too. I'm so afraid to get my hopes up."

"So you're not going to fight for him?"

"Of course I'm fighting for him." Logan spun around, turning his back on the sight of James lifting Caroline into the air and turning her over to land on her feet again. "He's here, isn't he? There were times I wanted to leave because I missed her so badly but I didn't. I stayed for him. I'm not giving up completely."

"You shouldn't give up at all."

"Mom, he doesn't know the first thing about being a father."

"And neither did you when Caroline was born. You learn as you go, Logan. We all do. So far, he seems to be doing well with her."

"It's one day."

"Then make it more. Would you like me to help with dinner?"

"No, I got it. He likes when I cook for him. But thanks."

When his mother nodded and moved to join Caroline and James, Logan stopped her. "Mom? Does that mean you approve?"

"Logan..." She was quiet for a minute, choosing her words carefully. "It won't be easy. I'm aware of that, and I'm glad you are, too. But that man loves you so much he can't even see straight, and he's quickly growing to love Caroline just as much. What more could I possibly want for my son and granddaughter than a man who brings so much love into their lives? You love him, that's obvious to me as well, and as long as he treats you both right, he's more than welcome into this family."

Nodding, Logan replied, "Thanks, Mom."

She hugged him, whispering, "And if you overthink this and ruin it, I'll kill you. He's the best thing that ever happened to you."

"Yeah, yeah. Trust me, I won't be the one to run away screaming."

Logan watched them as he prepared dinner, able to see from the kitchen window. It was about a half hour before Caroline mastered it, Logan's mouth dropping when she did it on her own. "Holy shit."

"Daddy! Daddy, come see me flip!"

Dropping the knife he'd been using, Logan wiped his hands and joined them in the backyard.

"Show him, Caroline."

Her face was split into a huge grin as she nodded at James. "Daddy, are you watching?"

"I'm right here, pumpkin." He settled onto a bench next to his mother. "What are you showing me?"

"I did a backflip!"

"Are you kidding? Backflips are hard, I'm sure you must be mistaken."

"No, Daddy, I did it! Watch! James, help me!"

"I don't need to help you." James stood back, gesturing for her to go for it. "You can do it on your own. Just like we practiced, come on."

Logan's mother had the camera ready, and as he took in the sight of Rich and another cameraman nearby, he realized that all of America might one day watch Caroline do her first official backflip. It was both terrifying and exciting.

"Okay, are you watching, Daddy?"

"I'm right here," he repeated.

Caroline took a deep breath, crouching down as James nodded in encouragement and gave her last-minute reminders about her posture, and then she was airborne. Logan had a moment where he was positive she was going to break her neck, but then she was on her feet again and he could breathe.

"Wow! Look at you!"

She squealed and ran to him, hopping up into his lap. "I did it! I did two now!"

"That's amazing, Caroline. I'm so proud of you! And Grandma got pictures, too."

"Rich!" Caroline called out, head swinging around to find him. "Did you see it in your camera?"

"I did. I almost dropped the camera, I was so shocked."

"I'm gonna do it again!"

Visions of broken bones filling Logan's head, he tried to divert her attention. "Hey, did you ever show James your castle?"

"Oh! James! Come see my castle, you have to be my prince!"

James smiled when she jumped down from Logan and ran to him, letting her drag him into the house. He looked back once to wink at Logan, who pursed his lips into a silent kiss. "I love you," James mouthed, Logan's heart doing a somersault. He nodded just as James disappeared from his view, once again wishing they didn't have to go back to L.A. Couldn't they just stay here forever?

It was an hour later that Logan went to collect them for dinner. He'd been able to hear them off and on as he cooked, enough to know they were having a blast, and the sight that greeted him made him snicker before running to find his camera and sneaking back to the room in silence.

James was sitting inside the large cardboard castle that Logan had colored and put together, James' long body taking up most of the space but leaving just enough room for Caroline to squeeze in next to him. They each wore crowns, Caroline's plastic and James' looking more like a headband wrapped in foil. Caroline had put on one of her princess dresses but allowed James to wear the cape, and it hung halfway down his back, a bright pink thing that looked as if it would choke him if he leaned forward. There was a congregation of stuffed animals facing them.

"What about the joey?" Caroline was asking as Logan started filming from above, Rich moving over to make room.

"Well, let's ask." James picked up the kangaroo and and said, "Mr. Joey, what do you wish to see the princess for today?" He waited a beat, then nodded. "I see."

"What did he say?" Caroline gasped.

"He has informed me that you're the most beautiful princess in the world and he wants to know if you'll let him cuddle with you every night."

"Of course!" She grabbed the small kangaroo, hugging it to her chest. "Every night, Joey! That's what I named him, he's Joey."

"I think that's a perfect name. Now what does the bear have to say?"

Caroline picked up a dark brown bear and lifted it to her ear, the joey still in her lap. "He says you should come see me every day because you're my prince."

James went silent, Logan watching the emotions flash across his face. _Shit, Caroline._ He was about to open his mouth but James spoke then.

"Caroline, I want nothing more than to be here every day with you. Remember that for me, that if you never see me again, it isn't because I don't want to be here."

"Are you gonna die like Mommy?"

With a pained expression James replied, "I don't plan to anytime soon. You never know what can happen, but I think I'll be around for a long time. Do you remember a lot about your mommy?"

"She used to sing to me."

"Really?"

Logan blinked, shocked that Caroline remembered that. She'd been two when Jane had disappeared from her life, and barely able to speak.

"Uh huh. And we played patty-cake. Do you know patty-cake?"

"Uh...I think?"

"It's like this, look." Caroline put her hands up, waiting for James to do the same, and she garbled the words but managed to do the hand motions right, nodding when James got it down.

Memories flooded Logan then, visions he'd shoved so far down he never planned to see them again, and he saw in his mind a mother and child who would never again laugh or sing together. He glanced up at Caroline's wall, where there were pictures of her so that Caroline would never forget, and when the tears hit he had to escape, closing himself into the bathroom until he could regain control.

When he next entered the room, James was singing to Caroline, some song about a whole new world that was vaguely familiar to him, and his heart squeezed because he wanted this every day for the rest of his life. Caroline joined in off and on when she remembered the lyrics, James nodding to keep her going as they sang, and when it got too much he called out, "Okay, guys, dinner's ready! Playtime is over for now!"

"Aww, man!" James responded. "We were having fun, too."

"What's for dinner?" Caroline asked, jumping up and squeezing out of the castle.

"Chicken and potato salad and vegetables. And cornbread."

"Corn bread!" Caroline yelled, running out of the room while James awkwardly crawled out of the cardboard building to stand with a grin.

"You made me potato salad?"

"Of course I did. And mine is way better than the crap we've eaten so far."

James' arms slid around his waist, Logan lifting his face up to meet the soft kiss. "And cornbread. It's like you can see into my mind."

"Mmm, I'm psychic. You look adorable in that crown."

"She made it for me."

"I know. It's adorable. You gonna keep it?"

"Damn right. I might even wear it at the next rose ceremony," James smirked.

"Ha, I dare you. And the cape is a nice touch."

James' mouth found his neck, heat spreading from the point of contact and throughout his body as his hands automatically slid up James' back and into his hair. "I can't breathe when you do that," he whispered.

"Want me to stop?"

"God, no." The pressure intensified, James pulling his collar aside to find that magic spot, and Logan moaned. "I miss you."

Making a noise of agreement, James clamped his teeth down to make Logan writhe against him. "Fuck. How do you always do this to me?"

"Stop trying to understand it and just go with it, Logan."

"Daddy, hurry up!" Bare feet padded down the hall, Logan stepping back and fighting for composure. "James, you can sit next to me, I saved you a seat!"

"You did? Awesome. Let me escort my princess to dinner. But I am getting rid of the cape first." After doing so he reached down to pick her up, carrying her as Logan followed, torn between the pain of missing Jane and the beauty of James taking on the role so effortlessly.

The crowns stayed on for the meal, James having three helpings of potato salad and causing Logan to beam with pride while Mrs. Mitchell asked James about his home life and his career. He gave honest answers, making sure she understood that he had every intention of walking away from his home in Los Angeles to make a new life with the man who won the contest.

Caroline only grasped about half of the conversation, but she zeroed in on that. "You're gonna live here with us?"

Glancing at Logan before answering and not ignoring the warning look, James said, "Maybe. I won't know for a few weeks, sweetheart. But I promise that if I am gonna move here, you'll be the first to know."

"Excuse me?" Logan interrupted.

"Okay," James grinned, "the second. I suppose I'd have to tell you first."

"And I'd have to accept your proposal." When the smile died, Logan reached out to squeeze James' hand. "Which is a no-brainer."

"Yeah? If I asked, you'd say yes?"

"Do you really have any doubts about that?"

"Honestly? Yes."

"Well, knock it off. You wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't intend to marry you."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Logan wanted to kick himself. Immediately Caroline gasped. "You're gonna marry James?"

"I...honey...I don't know yet, it might not happen and-"

"But you and Mommy are married."

"Well, I...we are, but..." Logan begged his mother for help, but for once she shook her head and let him flounder. "Mommy's not coming back, pumpkin, you know that. How would you feel about having two daddies?"

Caroline looked back and forth between James and Logan, and her next words were like a knife slicing into both of them. "I miss Mommy."

James bowed his head while Logan said, "I know, sweetheart. I miss her, too. If there was a way I could bring her back I would, you know I would. But I can't."

Just like that James was gone from his side, Logan letting him go because Caroline was the immediate concern.

"Is James leaving? He didn't say goodbye!"

"No, sweetie, he's just going outside for some air. I know you miss Mommy, and I know it would be weird if James lived here with us, but I love him. You said that before, remember?"

"He loves you. He said so."

"I know he does. And that doesn't mean we'll get married, but if we did...would you be okay with that?"

"Would Mommy be mad?"

Another slice to his heart. "No. I don't think she would be."

Finally Logan's mother jumped in. "No, Caroline. She would be happy for you and your daddy. She doesn't want your daddy to be alone."

"Is James gonna buy me a horse?"

"Caroline," Logan scolded. "If he comes to live with us, he's not going to buy you things all the time."

"But he said he was gonna get me a horse and bring his and we could ride together!"

"Gonna kill him," Logan said under his breath.

"Honey, go check on James. I've got this handled."

"You sure, Mom?"

"Yes. Go."

Logan found James in the front yard, arriving in time to hear "What the fuck am I doing here, Rich? What made me think I'm even remotely capable of being a father?" He was staring at the crown in his hands.

Rich nodded toward Logan, James spinning around and the tears on his face ripping at Logan's heart.

"Come here."

James turned away, wiping angrily at his cheeks. Logan forced him around, staring into his eyes. "You're here because you love me."

"Fuck, Logan. I can't replace her, what ever made me think I could try?"

"No, you can't replace her. But Caroline said if you buy her a horse, she's cool with you living here."

James blinked, spluttering before his tears were broken into with laughter. "I got that going for me at least."

"You have a lot more."

"I just don't...she should hate me. I hated the woman my dad married after my parents divorced. I hated her simply because she married my dad. She was great, tried so hard with me, and I hated everything about her. I don't want to make Caroline feel like that, to resent me for trying to replace her mother."

"Then don't try to replace her. Talk about her with Caroline, keep her memory alive. Let Caroline tell you about her, show you pictures."

James held his silence, brushing away the last of his tears.

"I told you, James. It's not easy with me. You wouldn't have to deal with any of this if you picked-"

"Would you stop fucking pushing me toward everyone else? I can't believe we've come this far and you're still telling me I should pick one of them. Don't you even want me?"

"You're seriously asking me that?"

"Yes! All I hear from you is 'I love you but I know you'd rather be with them. You shouldn't choose me because you'd be happier with one of the others.' Jesus, Logan, do you want me or not?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then act like it! Don't worry about everyone else when you're with me, just worry about yourself and take what you want. I'm right fucking here, I'm spending sunrise to sundown with you while everybody else only got half a day, doesn't that tell you something?"

"I...didn't know that."

"Fuck!" Beyond frustrated, James spun away, looking for something to kick. Rich backed away quickly.

"James, I want this to work. Don't ever think otherwise. But I need to know it's going to last. I can't bring you into her life if you're going to get tired of it in a few months and realize you would've been happier with someone who doesn't have a child."

"It's not going to last if you never give it a chance, Logan."

"Boys?"

James and Logan both spun around to see Mrs. Mitchell in the doorway.

"Caroline wants to talk to James. She's afraid he's going to leave without saying goodbye and she has something important she needs to tell him."

"Shit." James rushed past her, Logan following more slowly.

"Is he okay?"

Shrugging, Logan replied, "We're working on it."

His mother let him go and he made his way to the kitchen, where James was sitting on a chair with Caroline on his lap. "I don't know, princess. I'm sorry, I really don't."

"Will you try?"

"Yes. I promise you that, I will try."

"Okay. I won't move, just in case."

Chuckling, James kissed her cheek. "I'd appreciate that."

"Are you leaving now?"

"Uh..." Glancing up at Logan, James said, "It's late, I probably should."

"But you can't! We still have to watch the Beast movie! You promised!"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "You did promise her that. And when you make a promise, you have to keep it."

"I'll tell you what," Logan's mother offered. "Logan, why don't you give Caroline her bath while James and I clean up the kitchen? And then you guys can watch the movie together."

Knowing Caroline would fall asleep halfway through, Logan nodded. "Sound good, James?"

"That...yeah. I'd really like that."

Logan dipped down to kiss James once, Caroline giggling but otherwise keeping her song to herself. "We'll be back in a little bit."

"Okay."

Once they were gone Logan's mom started picking up dishes and piling them near the sink. "How good are you at loading a dishwasher, James?"

"I can manage," he replied, eyes on Logan and Caroline as they headed down the hall. "I'm sorry about that, about taking off."

"It's okay. It's not easy trying to step into someone else's shoes."

"I'm not trying to do that. I just want to be what Caroline needs, and I don't know if I'm capable of that."

"I think you need to have more faith in yourself. She adores you."

"Yeah, but Logan says that's because I'm new and exciting. You even said that yourself earlier."

"Well...yes, that's true, but that doesn't mean you aren't what she needs for the long haul."

"How are you okay with another man raising your grandchild? It doesn't bother you at all, that she'd have two dads?"

"Not if they both love her and provide what she needs."

"I don't have the first clue what she needs, though."

"No one does in the beginning, sweetie. Logan's father and I didn't, and neither did he when Caroline was born. You're going to make mistakes along the way, just as Logan still does to this day. But marrying you wouldn't be one of them."

"Really? You think it would work out?"

She shrugged, holding out a wet plate to James and silently encouraging him to help. He stepped up and started loading the dishwasher as she passed him dishes. "I don't have any way of knowing for sure. Nobody does."

"But what if we try it and it's a mistake? What if I screw her up so badly she needs therapy someday?"

Chuckling, Mrs. Mitchell said, "James, kids are more resilient than you realize. They do take everything to heart, but they're also extremely impressionable. That can be good and bad, because they're easily led astray, but it's just as easy to lead them back onto the right path. I don't know if you're a religious man, but the Lord has a plan for you. It could be a life with Logan and Caroline, or it could be something entirely different."

"How do I know, though? How do I know what the right path is?"

"Your heart will tell you. When it comes time to make a decision, you'll just know. Hasn't it been that way for you so far, when you've had to decide who to send home? You just know?"

"I suppose. Sometimes I don't know until that final moment, though."

"But you always know in the end. Your heart will tell you what's right, James."

"That's what Kendall's mom said. Has Logan told you about Kendall?"

"A little bit, yes. He said he made a few lifelong friends out of this. The other was...Carlos, I think?"

"Yeah, they're both incredible guys. I talked to Kendall's mom yesterday about love and how to know when it's right and...you two should meet," James smiled.

"She sounds like a smart woman." Mrs. Mitchell shut off the water and dried her hands. "Why don't we cook up some popcorn for the movie? That's a treat Caroline doesn't get often."

"Sure. Thanks, Mrs. Mitchell."

"Oh honey, call me Mom."

The smile James favored her with was blinding.

* * *

><p>Logan entered the living room with a freshly-bathed Caroline in his arms, her clutching Joey tight and eyes lighting up when she saw the couch prepared with blankets and popcorn.<p>

"Hey," James smiled, sitting in the middle with his arms over the back. "The movie's ready to go, just waiting for my two favorite cuddle buddies to get started. Oh, and Logan, your mom wants to talk to you before she leaves. She's in the kitchen."

Logan set Caroline on the floor. "I'll be right back, don't you two start the movie without me. And there'd better be popcorn left!"

"If you're lucky!" James yelled, laughing when Caroline crawled under a blanket and snuggled up against him.

"I brought Joey. He's gonna watch with us."

"Cool. Want some apple juice?"

"Yeah! See my blanket? It looks like a white tiger with stripes."

"Hey, I have pajamas like that."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"You should bring them next time you sleep over and you can use my blanket."

James smiled, touched, and hugged her close. "I'm not spending the night, sweetheart."

"Do you have to leave?"

"I'm afraid so. But I'll tell you what. Even if I can't come back to see you again, maybe we can still talk on the phone. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, but we can't play castle on the phone."

"That's true, I guess. So let's just pray I come back, okay?"

"Okay. I'll pray every night."

Kissing her forehead, James said, "So will I, princess."

Logan's voice rang out from the kitchen. "Is there still popcorn left or did you animals eat it all?"

Caroline giggled when James hid the bowl under the larger blanket. "Sorry, love, we were starving."

Logan's eyes widened when he came into the room. "Are you kidding me? You guys really ate all that?"

"Yep. Sucks for you."

"Yeah, sucks."

Knowing he was in trouble, James cringed.

"I thought I made it clear neither of you is allowed to use that word ever again."

"Sorry, Daddy."

"Sorry, Dad," James echoed.

Shaking his head, Logan couldn't keep the smile away so he turned to flip off the lights, then kicked off his shoes before sliding under the blanket next to James.

"You got enough light, Rich?"

"I'm making due, Logan. Forget I'm here, just relax. And pass some of that popcorn James is hiding under the blanket, since all the other guys left and I don't have to share."

Caroline covered her mouth. "Rich, you weren't supposed to tell!"

"Oh, so that's where it disappeared to." Logan's hand snaked toward the bulge he hadn't noticed before, James moving the bowl at the last second so Logan's hand fell to his crotch. He smirked at Logan, who called his bluff and squeezed, James' hips shooting up off the couch suddenly.

"Logan!"

"You started it," Logan winked.

"I want some popcorn."

After passing the bowl to Rich, then back to Caroline, Logan grabbed the remote and got the movie started. "So you've never seen this one, James?"

"No, I missed out on it somehow."

"The Beast is a prince like you, James," Caroline commented.

"Like me?"

"Uh huh. He's handsome. But then he gets ugly."

"Well, I hope I never get ugly."

"Daddy says it doesn't matter if you're ugly on the outside long as you're pretty on the inside."

James' gaze shifted down to Logan, who smiled up at him. "See, James? I'd love you even if you weren't gorgeous."

"Logan," James whispered, and by the look in his eyes Logan knew a massive make-out was on the way. He shook his head minutely, James sighing but reining it in.

Having had a day full of excitement, Caroline fell asleep a half hour into the movie with her head resting against James' chest. He stared at her for a long time, just watching her sleep, and when Logan noticed he stood up from where he'd been snuggled against James' other side. "I'm gonna put her to bed. Don't leave without saying goodbye?"

"Promise."

He returned a few minutes later, smiling when he saw that James had set the food on the floor and stretched out on the couch. Logan lowered his body over James', giving in immediately to the passion that had been smoldering since sunrise, and groaned at the urgency James responded with as if he'd been counting down the seconds for this moment. James' hands slid over his ass, pushing Logan down while he bucked up, and when James started that delicious suction at his throat Logan's fingers dug into James' shoulders. "Don't stop this time, please James, give me this before you leave."

"We can't go too far, the camera-"

"Well, shit!"

They froze, heads swinging over to Rich. "What's wrong?" James asked.

"My battery died."

"What battery?"

"For the camera."

"You don't have another?" Logan asked.

"That one's dead, too. Damn. Guess I'll go see if I've got an extra one somewhere. I might be gone for a little while. I'll call for the car too, tell it to be here in...oh, about half an hour? You do have a flight to catch tonight."

James grinned at Rich, gratitude shining in his eyes. "Sounds perfect. Bad luck about that battery."

"Right? Strangest thing." Rich winked at them before leaving the room, and after Logan heard the front door close he chuckled.

"Good old Rich."

"He's the best. Now where were we?"

"I believe you were about to fuck me."

"Oh god, Logan, fuck." James flipped Logan over onto the floor, kicking the popcorn out of the way and not caring about the mess but focused instead on getting Logan's pants off as fast as was humanly possible. Logan reached up to do the same to James, sitting up slightly to nip at his lips and lifting his hips when James dragged his pants down. "So hot, I'm always so hot with you, you're so fucking gorgeous I can't stand it, Logan."

Logan would never tire of hearing that. He bit his lip when James slid down his body, mouth fastening over him and Logan stifling a moan because even though Rich was gone, Caroline's door was still open. He should've closed it but he liked to keep it open in case she called out to him; James seemed to have the same thought suddenly. He lifted his head and said, "We shouldn't do this. She could walk out at any moment. This is wrong."

"She's sound asleep, don't you dare stop now."

"But what if-"

"James, I swear to God, if you don't stop talking-"

"Okay, okay. I just don't want to traumatize her."

"You're traumatizing _me_ with all this teasing. Do something already."

That was all it took, James returning to the task while reaching into his pants pocket. His tongue was like wet velvet on Logan's skin, Logan hissing at the contact.

"Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"

Once again they froze, then James jumped back as if burned. Having been through this before with Jane, Logan only sighed.

"See? I told you! We can't do this while she's around!"

"So, what? You're never touching me once we get married?"

"Logan, she could walk out and-"

"Daddy!"

"Coming, pumpkin!" Logan sat up and fixed his pants, frustrated. "All I wanted was five minutes with the love of my life. Is that too much to ask?"

James watched Logan go, any desire he had been feeling washed away with the sound of Caroline's voice.

Less than a minute later Logan was back. "She's asking for you again."

"She is?"

"Yes. Apparently she forgot to tell you something earlier."

"Oh. Okay." James stood up to walk down the hallway, peeking into the room that was lit only by a nightlight. "Everything okay, princess?"

"James! I forgot to show you my Spongebob nightlight. The one you said keeps me safe, wanna see it?"

"Of course," James smiled, drawn toward it. It was shaped like a yellow sponge and featured Spongebob's cheesiest grin. "I see he's happy to guard you."

"Yeah."

"You got Joey?"

"Yeah, he keeps me safe, too. I forgot to say goodbye."

From the doorway, Logan felt his heart crack.

James knelt next to her bed, reaching up to brush her bangs off her forehead. "We can't forget that, can we?"

"Nope. Thank you for coming to see me."

"It was my pleasure, sweetie. I hope I get to come back again."

"I prayed."

"I'll pray, too. Every night." He kissed her cheek, then reached into his back pocket and whipped out the comb. "Here. I want you to have this. Make sure Daddy uses this instead of the brush, okay? If he needs to, he can use water with it."

"Okay." She watched James lay it on her nightstand, then held out her arms for a hug. James hugged her tight and Logan thought for a second he wasn't ever going to let go but then he did, laying her down in the bed again.

"Goodnight, princess."

"Night, Prince James."

"I love you, Caroline. You be good, okay?"

"Uh huh."

After another kiss to her forehead, James rose and brushed past Logan, whispering, "I need to go."

Logan nodded, blowing Caroline a kiss before following James into the front yard. "You okay?"

"No." But James refused to say anything more; instead he pulled Logan into his arms and held him until the car arrived, Logan enjoying the simple gesture while it lasted.

"I'll see you Saturday night."

"I'll be there, James."

"I love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

There was a brief kiss, and then James climbed into the limo.

"See you, Rich."

"You got it, Logan. Take care of her."

"Always do."

The door closed, and once again James was out of his life.


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I may regret posting this chapter when I'm half asleep, but oh well.

Before I forget! People keep asking me if Rich is gay. No, he is not. He's unattached, but he's not gay.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Kendall was the first to arrive at the mansion. He was shown to a room of his own, nervous over things he couldn't put into words. After getting settled in for what might not even be an overnight visit, he grabbed a bottle of water and staked out the living room, fingers tapping the arm of the love seat in an unsteady rhythm.<p>

Sunlight poured in when the front door opened twenty minutes later, and he didn't have to look up to know who it was. Still he couldn't bring himself to rise from the chair, and when Carlos continued up the stairs without saying a word or even acknowledging him, he stood up and went out to the pool area, the nerves back in full force. Since when was he nervous around Carlos?

Kendall stared down at the water, memories of horseplay with Carlos coming back to haunt him, and he knew they would remain that from this point on—memories and nothing more. It was entirely possible that James would choose Logan as his husband when this was over, but that didn't change the fact that Carlos wasn't in love with him. Carlos was in love with James, as he was supposed to be, and why Kendall was even here at this point was a mystery to himself, except that he too loved James. That was what made this all so hard, so many conflicting emotions running through him, and when he thought of James' kisses and hugs his heart warmed. He couldn't deny that he had feelings for James; the problem was that he could no longer deny that he also had feelings for Carlos.

_What a fucked-up mess._

"Kendall?"

Kendall closed his eyes at the voice, stomach heaving for a moment before he got control of it and spun around with a bright smile. "Carlos, hey! How you doing?"

"Good, it was weird being home but it's almost weirder to be back here. Anyone else here yet?"

"No, just you and me so far. Chris said Ryan won't be in until an hour or so before the ceremony, his flight was delayed, but that Logan's due soon."

"Oh, cool. How was your week?"

"Pretty good. Got to visit with Mom and Katie, they miss me."

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, Chachi was pissed when I left. He knows what the suitcases mean now."

A genuine smile graced Kendall's lips. "James told me he got to meet Chachi."

"Yeah? What did he say?"

"Not much else, but it seemed like he loved the dog."

"It's kind of hard not to. Chachi's irresistible."

"Yeah," Kendall said softly, blinking before walking past Carlos and toward the house. "Want a beer or something?"

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks."

Kendall hated the awkwardness between them. He wished he could take back that kiss, take back every second of the night that had changed everything between them; rather than the peaceful sleep he'd found with Carlos for those few wonderful weeks, he now laid awake in bed every night for hours before exhaustion forced his brain to shut down.

_James. Focus on James. Focus on Carlos' happiness with James, because even if he loses, he'll still be in love with James. He's okay with not seeing you anymore when this is over, he made that clear._

Kendall was stepping into the kitchen when he heard the front door open again, followed by Carlos screeching, "Logan!" He turned to witness Carlos tackle Logan with a hug, Logan laughing as he clapped Carlos on the back.

"Hey, buddy, what's up? Great to see you, missed you!"

"Missed you too, Logan. Kendall's here already, look."

Logan smiled across the room, and something inside Kendall snapped. He rushed to Logan and hugged him tight, Logan allowing the embrace that lasted too long. "You okay?" Logan whispered.

"Fine. Just really happy to see you."

"Good. I'm happy to see you guys, too."

"Go put your stuff away, Logan," Carlos urged. "Then we can all catch up!"

"Sure. Kendall, can you grab that bag for me? It's heavy."

"Yeah." Kendall picked it up, the thing of course almost light as air, and with a smirk he followed Logan up the stairs.

"It's so quiet now. Remember in the beginning it was loud all the time, people everywhere?"

"I know," Kendall agreed. "It's like a ghost town. I've seen some of the camera people setting up but otherwise it's just the three of us."

"No Ryan yet?"

"No, he'll be in later tonight."

"Okay, they said I get this room right here..." Logan opened the door and dropped his stuff, then waited for Kendall to close the door and do the same before pulling him in and holding him. "What's going on? Did it go badly with James?"

"No, not exactly, but we just...we always end up fighting."

"Yeah, we fought, too. A few times."

"Did it go okay with Caroline?"

"They got along very well, there was no problem with that. It was a little scary, to tell you the truth. She's extremely attached to him now."

"Which will kill her if you don't win."

"Exactly." Logan finally stepped back, eyes narrowed on Kendall's face. "You look like you haven't slept all week. Is it because Carlos wasn't there? I noticed you two sleep a lot better together than you do apart."

Kendall shrugged, not meeting Logan's gaze. "We just got used to sleeping together, I guess. But it's not that, it's...a lot. My emotions are a mess over this whole thing."

"Mine too, Kendall. Having James in my house was both the best and worst thing that's happened to me in a long time. Seriously, though. If you need to talk, I'm here."

"I know. I think that's why I attacked you downstairs; I can't really put everything I'm feeling into words, but I feel like you understand anyway."

"No matter what, we're friends, right?"

Kendall nodded. "Definitely. It's so good to see you." He hugged Logan again, amazed because he'd not given a lot of thought to Logan over the week or so they'd been apart, but seeing Logan again somehow helped balance the storm thrashing inside him.

"It's gonna be alright, Kendall. What's meant to be..."

"I know." He took a deep breath, feeling like he could function again. "Okay, let's go down there and talk to Carlos, he's probably lonely by now."

"True," Logan laughed.

Carlos was in the loveseat when they returned. He patted the cushion next to him, Kendall settling in with a grin and relieved that they'd moved past whatever that weirdness had been when Carlos first arrived. Logan took the couch, stretching out on it before opening the bottle of beer Carlos tossed him.

"Okay, so," Carlos began. "Who wants to go first?"

"What exactly are we doing?"

"Come on, Logan, we're all dying to know how it went with James, right? You start. Did he and Caroline get along?"

"Yes," Logan sighed, resigned. "Very well."

"So she likes him?"

"She adores him. He keeps giving her gifts, or at least promising them. I think no matter what happens between us, she's getting a horse out of this. The idiot actually told her he was going to buy her one."

"Wow," Carlos whistled. "Sounds pretty serious."

"Yes, but we also fought plenty. He has no willpower with her, gives her everything she asks for."

Kendall was nodding. "Kind of like he does with you, Carlos. He'd do anything to see you smile."

Carlos frowned. "So he thinks of me as a kid? Is that what you're saying?"

"No, I just mean that he adores you. He's probably more than aware you're an adult."

"Yeah, that's true. When he kisses me...I'm definitely not a kid in his eyes. We had some pretty hot kissing going on right before he left."

"When did he see you, Carlos?" Logan asked.

"Tuesday. You guys?"

"I was Wednesday," Kendall supplied.

"And I was Thursday."

"That means Ryan must've been yesterday," Kendall figured.

"He could've been Monday," Logan commented.

"No, because he was here in L.A. Monday."

"How do you know?" Carlos asked.

"Katie found a video online of him getting coffee with Lana Monday morning."

"Ah," Logan said. "So he went home for a little bit first."

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, he told me that, said it was good to clear his head. Wait, Logan, so he went to you after me? Aren't you in Wisconsin?"

"Yeah, why?"

"He only had to go to the next state? He made it sound like he had a long flight and that's why he left early."

"How early did he leave?" Carlos wanted to know.

"Like right after dinner. Before dark. How long did he stay at your place, Carlos?"

"Like half a day? He got there around lunchtime, I guess. Left about an hour after dinner."

Logan suddenly found his beer fascinating, Kendall picking up on the avoidance immediately. "How early did he arrive for you?"

"Well, you have to remember that the whole point of that date was to show him what daily life is like with us. It's important for him to understand what he's getting into, so I worked it out with the producers that he would be there when she woke up so he could see what it's like."

Carlos' eyes narrowed. "And when did he leave?"

"Uh...not too late," Logan hedged.

Kendall shook his head, annoyed. "After Caroline went to bed, right? Just how much longer did he stay after that, Logan? Did you two get to fuck again or what?"

"Kendall, he left right after saying goodnight to her, okay? There was no fucking! Relax!"

"Okay, so..." Trying to change the subject, Carlos said, "He was with Ryan yesterday. How do you guys feel about your chances now? Logan?"

"I don't honestly know. He loves me. I know that much. But I don't know if he's ready to be a father yet, and I think after leaving the other night he probably did a lot of thinking. I guess...if this was the final night, I wouldn't feel confident, but since it's not...I think I'll stay another week. You?"

Carlos shrugged. "Once again, I was feeling pretty damn good about my chances until hearing about your date."

Logan sighed. "I'm sorry, we know he cares about you-"

"Yeah, but he obviously loves you more."

"Not necessarily."

"Oh, Logan, just stop," Kendall interrupted, words laced with bitterness. "We all know you're the favorite. I don't hate you for it, and I know Carlos doesn't either, but can we at least be honest about it? He spent an entire day and night with you, that says a lot."

Logan didn't answer, not willing to be drawn into an argument, so Carlos picked up the conversation. "Kendall. How'd your date go?"

Getting back on track, Kendall replied, "Um, pretty well. My mom loved him, and he even managed to impress Katie. They both approve, though Katie's still holding out in case he screws up. She says that if he makes the right decision, he'll gain her respect."

"The right decision being you, of course," Carlos grinned.

Kendall shrugged. "And what about your family? Did they like James?"

"Yeah, Mom really likes him a lot. Papi...I'm not sure. He seemed to like him, but when I asked if he approved, he said time would tell if James is the right one for me. Even my brother thinks he's great, though, which is crazy. Paul hates all of my boyfriends."

"What about Chachi?" Logan wondered. "Did he behave for James?"

"Please, that damn dog_ loves_ James. He only got mad when James would kiss me, because he gets jealous. But he approves of James."

"So basically James passed all the tests," Kendall commented. "Our families all approve, it's just a matter of what James wants."

"Or what he needs," Logan added. "I don't think they're the same thing at all."

A silence fell over them, each lost in his thoughts for a few minutes. Logan settled more comfortably into the couch, Carlos cuddled into Kendall, and Kendall responded by pulling him closer. Finally he said, "James gave me your message."

"Oh. He said he wasn't going to."

"He told me about Joanie, at least. Was there more?"

"No, just that if you forgot her, I wouldn't be mad."

Kendall nodded. "Good thing, because I forgot her."

"It's fine. I never really had her to begin with, so if I don't get her back, it's no big deal."

A lump rose in Kendall's throat at the words; he had no idea how to respond to that.

"Did you pop her?"

"No. Why would I?"

"It would be easy for it to happen in your suitcase. I thought maybe that's why you kept hiding her from me, because you didn't want to tell me you killed her."

Kendall chuckled. "She's alive and well, Carlos. I promise."

"Okay."

"My mom wants to meet you guys," Logan said suddenly.

"So does mine," Kendall agreed. "Maybe we can plan some kind of big family weekend when this is all done."

"That would be fun," Carlos nodded. "I bet Caroline and Chachi would have a blast together."

"God, then she'd want a dog, too. She's already begging for a horse, I don't need that."

"It'll be fine, Logan." Carlos closed his eyes, fatigue setting in suddenly, and with Kendall's arm around him he dozed off, Kendall smiling before shifting so that Carlos was laying over him. He closed his own eyes, wrapping his arms around Carlos as he'd done before leaving this place what seemed ages ago.

Logan's mind was on James, nerves setting in as the seconds ticked by. He was mostly sure James would keep him, but if he'd decided parenthood wasn't for him he would send Logan home tonight. Logan knew that much, having procured that promise from James in the early weeks of the contest. "Please don't run, James," he whispered, then glanced over to make sure the other two hadn't heard.

There were no worries on that score, though; Kendall and Carlos were both snoring lightly, looking like they were sleeping peacefully for the first time in months.

* * *

><p>Ryan had time only to greet them all with hugs and a smile before Chris appeared to shepherd them to the ceremony. All four had taken care with their appearances, Ryan looking incredible even though he'd had to rush.<p>

Once again there were three roses on the pedestal, and this time no one was safe going in. They were arranged on the steps, Chris stepping forward once the cameras were in place.

"Welcome back, guys, it's great to see you all. James told me he enjoyed his dates with each of you and that he'd never forget any of them, just as he'll never forget any of you. I know tonight is difficult for him, and I want you to understand you've all made a deep impression in his life. He told me he's learned things from each one of you, both about himself and about life, and that even though this contest is the most difficult thing he's ever done, it's also been the most rewarding and he would do it again just to have the opportunity of knowing you all.

With that said, I must remind you that the remainder of the contest is going to be even tougher for those of you who will stay and for James. From this point on, we require no contact between the contestants. That means that even though you will be in the same hotel for the next few weeks, you will be isolated from each other and that's how it needs to remain. I know that might be difficult for some of you, but it's not up for debate. You have a couple of minutes before James arrives, so you might want to say your official goodbyes now."

Without another word Chris was gone.

"Like I wasn't nervous enough already," Carlos complained.

"No kidding." Logan turned to the other three, unsure what to say now that the moment was upon them. "This isn't goodbye forever, guys. Just for a few weeks. Maybe a little longer if they make us wait until the show airs."

Ryan stood by silently, and Kendall smiled. "Hey. I don't know if you'd care to, but we'd love to keep in touch with you. Didn't you say you and Mike are going to stay friends after all this?"

"We are," he nodded. "I don't know how James would feel about it, though. Imagine how weird that would be for him."

"He already knows," Logan assured Ryan. "We told him we plan to remain in touch and that if chooses one of us, he'd have to deal with it."

"Really? And he was okay with that?"

"Yes and no," Kendall chuckled. "I doubt it'll be easy on any of us, but since he does care so much about all three of us, and you as well, he's okay with it. He doesn't want to lose any of us forever."

"It might be hard to be around him and not have those romantic feelings, though," Logan reminded them.

Carlos shrugged. "It's worth it. I'm not losing these guys,Ryan, and if you ever want to come hang out, you just let us know. I'd give you my number right now if I could."

"Chris would be able to get us in touch," Kendall offered. "I'm not worried about it. You and Mike are both welcome to come to our family weekend when it happens."

"I hope it happens," Logan fretted.

"It will," Carlos said, punching Logan lightly in the arm. "This isn't goodbye forever, right?"

"No. It's not." Finally smiling, Logan hugged Carlos tight, then Kendall was there in their midst while dragging Ryan into the group hug. Logan couldn't hold back a kiss to Carlos' cheek, and Kendall kissed his forehead, and all of them were overwhelmed with the knowledge that they'd possibly be within fifty feet of each other and not allowed to even speak.

"I love you guys," Carlos said suddenly.

"We love you too, buddy," Kendall replied. "No crying."

"I'm not."

"You're about to."

"Shut up."

Kendall laughed, causing Carlos to look up at him, and for one scary moment Kendall found himself leaning down to kiss him out of habit. Carlos' eyes widening in fear broke through that spell, and Kendall pulled away from the group just as James entered the room with Chris on his tail.

James smiled at all of them, Logan noting again that he looked as if he'd barely slept. Make-up could only do so much to hide the circles under his eyes and he seemed to have lost a little weight since the beginning of this whole mess. At this point Logan wanted it to end more for James' sake than theirs; he had to fight the urge to grab James to him and hold tight, to lecture James about eating properly and making sure he took care of himself first.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey," they all chorused, moving back into place on the steps and this time keeping their hands to themselves. Though they were still a group, the dynamic had shifted to leave each of them feeling vulnerable and alone.

"Whenever you're ready, James." Chris squeezed his shoulder, then exited the room.

All eyes were on James as they tried to wait patiently for him to begin. Ryan had seemed like a sure bet to be eliminated tonight, but now that the moment was here Logan's doubts surfaced once again. What if James had decided it was too much? Logan wouldn't blame him for that, but the thought of never knowing James' kiss or touch again left him filled with a terror he hadn't known since the early days after losing Jane.

"There's not much I can say at this point that I haven't already said," James started softly. "You all know how much I care about you, or at least I hope you do, and you should know that saying goodbye to any of you is killing me. I'm sorry for the hurt I'm causing and I hope that one day when this is all over, you can find it in you to forgive me."

James was close to tears but holding up well, his voice steady. Logan still wanted to grab him and run in order to spare him the pain of what he was being forced to do.

He picked up the first rose. "Kendall."

Logan's heart dropped as Kendall stepped forward to receive the rose. Before walking away he leaned in to kiss James, who was surprised into a smile.

"Thank you."

"No need to thank me, Kendall. Just don't make me regret it."

Kendall nodded before returning to his place.

Another rose was lifted from the podium. "Logan."

His knees went weak for a moment, then he found strength and stepped forward. James smiled as he fastened the rose, whispering, "How is she?"

"Good. She misses you."

"I miss her, too." James nodded once, waiting for Logan to step back, but instead Logan dove in for a kiss that had James breathless and desperate in under five seconds. "Jesus," he managed when Logan leaned away.

After winking at James, Logan kept his eyes down and moved into the line to face forward.

James took a moment to calm down, licking his lips before going for the final rose. "Okay." He cleared his throat, cheeks still flushed. After a very deep breath, James let it out and said, "Carlos."

"Oh my god, this is the worst thing ever!" Carlos yelled. "This stress is gonna kill me, man! Geez!" He stepped forward, James apologizing softly as he attached the rose to Carlos' shirt. "I know, I know, but...damn. Next time can you say my name first? Please?"

James chuckled, kissing Carlos on the cheek. "Go on. You're safe."

Chris was there as Carlos walked away. "Ryan, I'm sorry. Please say your goodbyes."

He nodded, looking as if he wasn't very surprised, though he did seem heartbroken. Everyone hugged him again and he smiled. "It was great meeting all of you."

"Same," Kendall replied. "We meant what we said earlier."

"Thanks."

James was waiting with an outstretched hand and sad eyes, and Logan watched the two of them leave the room with a heavy heart.

"What was that, Logan?"

He turned to Carlos. "What?"

"That kiss. Trying to rub it in?"

"No. No, I just...I don't know why I did that. He was there and I missed him and-"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "And you had to claim your territory."

Logan shrugged. "Like you didn't make out with him at the last ceremony?"

"That wasn't my choice."

"Oh, that makes me feel better."

"It wasn't meant to; it was the truth."

"Guys, can we please stop fighting?" Carlos begged. "We only have a few more minutes before he comes back and then we're done. No more talking until the end. This is it."

"We should still have one more rose ceremony," Logan said. "At the end of the overnight dates, we get back together for one more of these things."

"But we can't talk until then. Can't even see each other."

"No, Carlos, we can't." Logan's eyes fell on Kendall, then on Carlos. "If he doesn't choose me, I'm prepared, but it's still going to be difficult. Just know that I love you guys no matter what."

Both Kendall and Carlos nodded in agreement. "To love?" Carlos asked hesitantly.

"To love," Logan smiled.

"And friendship," Kendall added, gaze on Carlos.

Feeling James' presence, Logan spun around. "You okay?"

James managed a smile. "I'm fine, lo-Logan."

"Are you eating? I'll go find Rich right now and tell him to make sure you-"

"Logan. I'm fine. I love that you care, but I'm fine."

"Always the mom," Carlos teased, elbowing Logan.

"I can't help it, I'm a parent. And I worry about those I love."

Sensing that all James wanted was to take him somewhere alone and cry on his shoulder, Logan tried to communicate with his eyes that it was going to be okay. James nodded in silence.

"Are we all here?" Chris smiled at each of them, returning to the room. "Everyone needs to get a good night's rest, because we're up early in the morning for a flight to...London!"

There was excitement over that, Carlos, Kendall, and Logan hugging each other while cheering. James stood back with Chris, watching them with longing that he tried to conceal, until Kendall held an arm out. "You know, you're part of us now. You need to get over here and join the party."

With a blinding smile James did, rushing to them and being enveloped in their hugs, and for a few brief minutes everything was perfect. It wasn't going to last, more hearts would be broken before this was over, but for the time being, all was right between them.

"I love you guys," James whispered as they huddled together.

As each of them had already said the same to him, they didn't respond with words. Instead they hugged him tighter, dreading the moment they'd have to say goodbye.


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

So at this point you're probably all thinking I'm crazy. Two chapters in one day? WHO DOES THAT? Yeah, I've done it before. The thing is, I wasn't planning to post this chapter until tomorrow but there are things going on in my personal life that make me feel this push to get this done and posted. I'll be posting the next chapter tomorrow night, and after that I don't know. It depends on those personal things. But I'll do my best to keep this going.

This is a short little chapter about Carlos' overnight date with James. Tomorrow will be the next overnight date. This is when James has to make his big decisions, and trust me when I say it's not easy for him and that he's going through hell. When you want to hate me, remember that everything happens for a reason and I believe in happy endings.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>It had been a torturous few days for Carlos. First there was the long plane ride to England, where they'd been allowed to sit together. None of them had expected that after being told to say their goodbyes, and the idea of sitting next to Kendall for hours on a plane brought back memories Carlos wanted only to forget.<p>

When they were seated it was Logan between them, and Carlos didn't know if that was done purposely by Kendall or not but he was grateful.

James had to be his focus now. Kendall was wonderful, he made Carlos feel safe in a way no one ever had, and that kiss...all of them, really...had been like nothing he'd ever experienced.

But Kendall was just a friend. He'd made that clear over and over, and they were both here for James. All it took was to witness Kendall making out with James to know where Kendall's heart belonged. And Carlos understood completely because when James kissed him, he felt it, too. James was perfect. He was gorgeous, funny, sex, sweet, went out of his way to make sure Carlos was happy, and his family loved James. He was so much more than Carlos had ever hoped to have as a boyfriend, and there was a real chance he could end up as more.

Of course Logan seemed to have a lock on this, but it wasn't over yet. Logan kept saying he thought James wouldn't go through with it in the end, and Logan was a genius; he knew things. Carlos had been tempted to ask why Logan stayed in the contest if he was so sure he wasn't going to win, but really he thought he knew the answer to that.

It was James. They loved James, all three of them did, and spending time with him now was worth knowing they might lose him in the end. Bottom line was that whichever of them James chose would be okay with Carlos, because he knew James would be loved. He also knew he wouldn't lose the guys who had quickly become the three most important people in his life, and that was what mattered most.

The plane ride had been followed by another separation, this one worse than any before because he didn't have his dogs or family there to distract him, nor did he even have Ryan. He'd brought Alex and Elyse along for company, but of course they weren't very good at conversing. Instead Carlos played his video games, trying not to think about the fact that Kendall and Logan were down the hall and that one of them would be gone for good after the next round of dates.

Then again, this was the sex date. Finally. _Finally. _After over a month of teasing, Carlos was going to get James. Sure, it was up to James whether or not he would be invited to stay the night, but he had no worries on that score. Carlos knew without a doubt both Logan and Kendall would get that magic moment, and he had no reason to believe he wouldn't as well; if nothing else, James was dying without sex and would take what he could get while he could get it. Kendall seemed convinced that Logan and James had already taken that step, but with a camera on them all the time that would've been impossible.

After another night of restless sleep (there had been many of those since Rio), Carlos awoke to a knock on his hotel door. He grabbed a robe and opened the door a crack, face brightening when he saw it was Chris.

"Good morning, Carlos. Sleep well?"

"Well enough. Is today my big day?"

"It is," Chris smiled. "Be ready in two hours. The limo will be waiting out front."

"What should I wear?"

"Casual, but bring along nicer clothes for later. We'll give you time to change between your outing and dinner."

"Awesome! Thanks, Chris!"

"Good luck, Carlos."

He followed instructions, dressing in jeans and a t-shirt but taking along a nice suit that would remain in the limo until he needed it.

As Carlos walked down the hall toward the elevator he was pulled up short by a loud cry of "Motherfucker, you're going down!" from the room next to his. It was muffled but it was Kendall, and Carlos had to fight the urge to bang on the door and beg to be let in so he could challenge Kendall to a game. He pressed one palm to the door, mind screaming at him for just one quick hug or a few words of encouragement before his big date, but then common sense returned and he let his hand drop.

_James. James is waiting for you._

It was enough. Carlos moved toward the elevator and what would hopefully be his destiny.

* * *

><p>Carlos knew which table was theirs before he even saw James; the cameras trained on it clued him in. James rose from the table and greeted him with a hug, face lighting up. "Carlos! Good to see you, I've missed you!"<p>

"Same here, buddy. What's the plan for today?"

"Well, first lunch. You haven't eaten yet, right?"

"Nope. I was too nervous."

James rolled his eyes, gesturing for Carlos to take the seat across from his own. "I told you, there's no need to be nervous around me. It's just me, dude."

"I know, but...this is a big date, you know?"

The waiter appeared then, distracting them both as they perused their menus. James explained the foods that were foreign to Carlos, having been to England many times, and in the end they ordered a meal much bigger than their stomachs would allow but agreed to sample everything together.

"I'm surprised the restaurant's not empty," Carlos commented. "Usually they clear the places out for your dates."

"Well, dinner will be just the two of us. Seafood okay?"

"As long as it's nothing scary."

"Shrimp and lobster?"

"Sold!"

They laughed, James reaching across the table to hold Carlos' hand. "So tell me the truth. Did the family hate me?"

"No, dude, not at all! Mom loves you, and even Paul said he approves. You don't know how hard it is to win that guy over. I'm the older brother but he acts like it with my dates. Drives me crazy."

"That's good to hear. And your dad?"

"He said he liked you a lot."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"But..."

"But what? He liked you."

"He didn't give you any warnings or tell you I wasn't good enough?"

"No, James, he liked you. All he said is that time will tell if you're the right guy for me."

"Ah." Leaning back when the waiter set down their drinks, James pulled his hand free and waited for the man to leave before continuing. "And Chachi? He gave his approval?"

"Duh, James. He's fine as long as you don't kiss me. But he can learn to live with it, because I love it when you kiss me."

James smiled, reaching out again for Carlos' hand and squeezing. "You holding up okay? I heard they separated all of you."

"Yeah, it sucks but what are you gonna do? They don't want us to know how it's going for the other guys."

"Part of the game, I guess. I'm sorry."

Carlos shrugged. "So what are we doing today?"

"That is entirely up to you."

"Me? You're letting me pick?"

"I am," James grinned.

"Why?" Carlos asked suspiciously.

"Why? Because I like to see you smile."

"It's not because you feel like you don't know me well enough to know what I like?"

James lifted an eyebrow. "Really, Carlos? You think I don't know what you like by now?"

"Okay, okay, you're right. Just making sure."

Satisfied, James asked, "So what do you want to do?"

"Let's see, I'm in London. What have I always wanted to do in England?" Sitting back, Carlos considered it. "Well, there's one thing I've always wanted to do here, and one more thing I've always wanted to do with you."

"We're not having sex in public."

Carlos busted up, shaking his head. "No no no, that's for later. But I don't know if we have time for both before dinner."

"Tell me and I'll let you know."

"I want to see the royal palace. Where the queen lives."

James nodded. "We can totally do that. They give tours."

"Okay, cool. And with you...I always thought it would be fun to see a movie. That's probably really boring but-"

"Actually, Carlos, that sounds like fun. I bet you and I like the same movies."

"Yeah? So we can do it?"

"I don't see why not. But no sex in the movie theater."

"You suck."

"No, I think the problem here is I won't," James joked. "Still want to see a movie with me?"

"I guess," Carlos pouted, but he was teasing.

"Okay, then. I'll have the show set up a tour for us. Rich?"

"On it."

Carlos looked to his left, where Rich had put down his camera to make arrangements with the staff. "You're the coolest date ever, James."

James smiled. "I try."

* * *

><p>The tour was fun, Carlos impressed with the extravagance and history of it all. They made jokes throughout the tour, causing the guide to roll her eyes no less than ten times, but as long as they didn't touch anything they weren't supposed to she was satisfied.<p>

Carlos wanted to visit the gift shop, of course, and as they wandered it James' gaze fell on a child-sized replica of the queen's outfit, complete with crown, robe, gloves, and sceptre. He stared at it in silence until Carlos noticed he'd stopped moving, and when he came back Carlos said, "I know who you're thinking of."

With a boyish smile, James shrugged. "She likes to dress up like royalty. I wonder how she'd like being a queen."

"I bet she'd love it. And what's that, a wand? Like a fairy?"

"It's a sceptre. Kind of like a wand but it doesn't do anything. It's more for looks."

"I can't wait to meet her, dude. She sounds adorable."

"She's amazing," James said softly, hands in his pockets as he warred with himself. "Logan would kill me for buying her more stuff."

Carlos pursed his lips, then said, "I'll tell you what. I'll go in halves with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, that way Logan can't just yell at you, he has to yell at both of us. And he won't yell at me."

James chuckled. "You don't know Logan. He definitely yells."

"At you, maybe. But I want to do something nice for her, too. Get in good, you know?"

"Carlos, you have nothing to worry about. She's going to love you."

"Well, this will help. And look over here, we can get her these cute little shoes, too. Think they'll fit?"

James studied them. "I think so. She's so tiny, dude. She's like air when you lift her. Rich, you think these would fit Caroline?"

Rich stepped closer with a smile. "Totally. She's gonna love it, James."

"I bet I get at least a squeal out of her. Carlos, her hugs are the best."

"Can't wait," Carlos repeated. "Let's do it."

Nodding, James grinned. "Deal."

* * *

><p>The movie was great except that Carlos found James wasn't kidding about the "no sex" thing. This also extended to making out, apparently, because each time Carlos tried more than cuddling James would say something like, "Dude, not right now! He's about to crash the hideout!"<p>

As it was an action movie Carlos had fun anyway, the two of them passing popcorn and candy back and forth while shouting at the screen. The show had managed to procure them a theater to themselves on short notice, and there was no one around to yell at them for making too much noise.

By the time they left, both were full of adrenaline from the action, talking about the movie the entire ride to the restaurant. They were each given time to change in the lavish restroom area, James going first in order to be set up when Carlos arrived at the dining room.

Now he was nervous. Carlos enjoyed sex, always had, but he had no way of knowing if he was any good at it. His partners had all appreciated his willingness to please and the ability to be selfless during the act, but whether or not he was _good_ was a different story.

And it was no secret James was a pro.

Carlos attempted to shake off the nerves as he was escorted to dinner, keeping in mind that James would be kind no matter how good or bad he was at sex. But as sex was important to James, this could be his downfall.

_Just relax. Don't be nervous. It's just James._

James rose once again, waiting until Carlos was seated to return to his chair. "You look gorgeous," James smiled.

"Thanks," Carlos blushed. "You're pretty hot yourself."

They stared at each other for a while, Carlos sensing for the first time that James too was nervous. What did James Diamond have to be nervous about?

Their dinner was delicious, the two raving over that while appreciating the view of the ocean, and when it was done James asked Carlos to dance.

That brought an immediate smile to Carlos' face, causing him to jump up and hold a hand out to James.

"Nothing too crazy, Carlos. I like to slow dance as well."

"That's fine, just dance with me."

James spun Carlos around the floor, Carlos flowing easily with it, and they laughed when James would suddenly dip him and scare the daylights out of him.

"Stop that!" Carlos smacked James' shoulder after the third time. "You almost dropped me that time, dork!"

"I got you, relax." Smirking, James continued to swing Carlos in his arms, not ready for it when Carlos suddenly dipped him down near the floor and kissed him.

He froze but then sank into it, letting Carlos kiss him and returning the gesture at first but then standing up, hands braced at Carlos' elbows. "Come sit with me," he said softly.

Carlos' heart dropped into his stomach. That kiss had been nothing like their last, and it terrified Carlos. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." James settled into his chair and pushed it away from the table before lowering Carlos to his lap.

"We're not having sex tonight, are we?"

"Carlos, relax. Please. Kiss me again."

Carlos did, and James responded in a way that soothed his fears a bit. James was enjoying the kiss, that was something, but then he pulled away with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. I know you don't understand this, and I know you probably hate me, but...I can't."

Carlos' face turned to stone. "It's Logan, isn't it? You guys did have sex."

"I'm not discussing Logan with you."

"You don't have to, James. Kendall was right, he's the one you love most. Why are we even still here?"

"Carlos, please." James hugged him close, the grip so tight it was almost painful. "You have no idea how much you mean to me, please don't leave. It's not over, don't-"

"But you already decided. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about Caroline. When Logan kisses you. By the way you can't even take me to bed. You love him, and I'm not mad about it but it hurts to know someone else is better than you."

"Hey." James tilted Carlos' chin toward him. "It's not a matter of one being better than the other. You are amazing, Carlos. I've said from the beginning that the ones I send home aren't the wrong people, they're just not the right ones for me. And to tell you the truth, I don't know yet who I'm sending home at the end of this week. Anything can happen between now and then."

"But you know Logan's staying."

"I don't know that, no. I have some heavy decisions to make and I don't look forward to any of them. Just...please don't give up on me. Don't leave."

Looking down, Carlos twisted his hands together. "You won't sleep with me. How do you even know if we have something special if you won't sleep with me?"

"Sex isn't everything, Carlos."

"But it's a huge part of making a marriage work. You know that."

James was unwilling to address that. All he said was, "I'm sorry. I can't right now."

Nodding slowly, Carlos stood up. "I guess there's no reason for me to stay here any longer."

"Please don't leave-"

"I meant the date. I'm just going back to the hotel."

"Will you stay the week for me? Please?"

Carlos spun around to answer, taking in that James was terrified. He didn't know what was going through James' head or what he had to be afraid of, but the sight of his hero pleading with sad eyes was enough to break him down. "Yes. I'll stay. And if you decide I'm not the one, I won't hate you for it. I love you, James."

"I know, Carlos. I love you, too."

James' haunted eyes stayed with Carlos even as he returned to the hotel. He was conflicted, a part of him angry that James couldn't even manage to take him to bed but still expected him to remain, another part of him wanting to hold James and promise things would be okay and he'd never leave James alone.

As he passed Kendall's room the pull was strong. He stopped, once again putting a palm to the door, and when it was suddenly flung open he stepped back with a gasp.

Kendall blinked at him in surprise, a little unsteady. "Carlos?"

"You okay, buddy?"

"I'm...aren't you supposed to be fucking James right now?"

Carlos ignored that. "Are you wasted?"

"No, I'm drunk. Can you send room service over? My little fridge is empty and I'm still standing. This is a problem."

Carlos sighed. "Kendall, go lay down."

"I'm fine."

"Go lay down."

"Fuck you!"

"Kendall! Go lay down! Now!"

"Fine!" Kendall backed up to let the door slam shut.

When he returned to his room, Carlos got in touch with Chris and asked him to please keep an eye on Kendall since he wasn't allowed to. "Just make sure he stops drinking and doesn't do anything stupid."

Chris promised to take care of it, and when Carlos finally fell asleep it was to nightmares of both James and Kendall being kidnapped and held for ransom by Logan, who was dressed in the queen's royal garb. He woke up shaking and wished Kendall was near to soothe him back to sleep, the knowledge that Kendall was on the other side of the wall almost more than he could bear.


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

First, thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and good vibes regarding my personal life in your reviews/messages. It helps. :) Again, I don't know when I'll update after this, Wednesday at the earliest I would say. Don't hate me for that.

**Please read the next paragraph before beginning this chapter.** Even if you've already read it, read it again now.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Logan had spent his days in isolation getting used to the fact that James was going to marry him. He no longer had any doubts on that score; James had seen what it would take, even what amounted to a small chunk of the big picture, and he hadn't run. Instead he'd kept Logan, and after promising that he would send Logan home if he didn't feel it was going to work, Logan could logically deduce that James Diamond had every intention of marrying him.<p>

Chris came to his hotel room and informed him he needed to be ready for his date in a few hours, saying only that Logan should dress up a bit. He was nervous about this one, not because they were going to have sex again (that much he welcomed after having so many interrupted moments), but because this wasn't an ordinary date; Logan was going to meet with his future husband, knowing it in his heart for the first time. It was daunting, but he couldn't wait to look upon James with the certainty that everything James promised would come to pass.

He made sure he looked as irresistible as possible, having a pretty good idea by now what James liked, and when the limo arrived he stepped into it with that same smile he'd been unable to curb the day James had come to visit him and Caroline. Most of the ride was spent lost in memories of the two of them together, laughing and so enamored of each other, Caroline's eyes lit up in a way they hadn't been since Jane was part of their lives.

Thinking of Jane brought an ache to Logan's heart. He'd accepted her death and moved on, but bringing someone else in to replace her was a different thing entirely. Mindful of the camera on him, he forced his face to remain neutral but engaged in a silent conversation with her, imagining what she would say and ultimately breaking into a smile when he heard her stern warning in his mind.

_You deserve this, Logan, and if you don't allow yourself to be happy, I'll find a way to come back and smack you._

Though the ride took him out of London and north to the coast, it was only two o' clock when Logan stepped out of the limo and was pointed in the direction of a small cove. Cameras traced his every move as his feet sank into the sand with each step, finally rounding an outcropping of rock to see what had been set up for them. Of course there were more cameras, but along with those Logan spied a table set with elegant linens under a canopy to protect them from the sun. Twenty feet away was a bed and tall candlesticks hidden behind sheer curtains that were blowing in the breeze, and all of this was by surrounded cliffs, the only open side leading to the water.

He stopped for a moment to catch his breath, not from exertion but from simply being overwhelmed by the lengths this man had and would continue to go through in order to make him feel special. One fantasy Logan had never shared with anyone was the desire to make love under the moonlight with waves crashing nearby, and apparently he hadn't needed to—James somehow knew anyway.

Logan was directed to the table and reminded that should James choose to spend the night with him, the cameras would be turned off at that point and they would be left to themselves. Logan smiled at the "should James choose to" but nodded. With a bed close enough to see if they turned their heads, James would be itching to get him into it, Logan had no doubt.

He stared out at the ocean while waiting for James, thinking that when they could arrange it they needed to plan a trip to Australia for Caroline. She'd talked his ear off about it when he'd called her earlier, telling him all sorts of things Joey had in mind for the adventure, and he was smiling when that familiar tingling started in his chest, the one that meant James was near.

Logan stood and spun around, the smile widening and then slowly morphing into a gape that must have left him looking like an idiot but as James walked toward him, he could do nothing but stare stupidly and grab onto the chair next to him for support.

The sun picked up every highlight of James' silken hair, which for once wasn't styled but left to blow in the breeze. Logan's gaze traveled down slowly and then back up, from heavy black boots to leather pants that hugged every inch of muscle as he moved, the crisscrossing ties that replaced a zipper matching the ties of the billowing white shirt he wore, long sleeves puffing out slightly around his forearms. Completing the look was the addition of make-up, black eyeliner smudged artfully and some sort of shadow subtly applied to make James' eyes seem to glow. When James stopped before him with a smug smile, Logan noted that his lips were glossed over in a way that made them seem plumper, and he ached to nibble at them.

"Hey, gorgeous," James grinned, basking in the intensity of Logan's reaction.

"Jesus Christ, James," Logan whispered, barely able to breathe. "Are you trying to kill me before we even make it through dinner?"

James laughed, pulling Logan against him and laying a slightly sticky kiss on his forehead. "Thought you'd like this."

"What are you supposed to be, some hot pirate lost at sea?"

"I'm whatever you need me to be. Just promise to love me forever, and I'll do anything in my power to see that you and Caroline are happy."

Logan kissed him then, lust raging in waves to get out, and he felt James weakening as he returned the assault, the knowledge that nothing was going to stop them from making it to bed an aphrodisiac that left them both heady.

It wasn't easy, but with a sudden gasp James pulled himself back, panting as he placed a hand on Logan's chest to keep him at a distance. "As badly as I'm dying to get you in that bed, there are some things I want to talk about first. Once the clothes come off, there won't be any talking for the rest of the night."

Logan loved the sound of that. Nodding, he moved back to his seat, watching James find his and downing half a glass of water that had been set out for him. Once calm enough to focus on something other than James, he realized Rich was near and smiled. "Hey, Rich. Enjoying England?"

"It's a job. You?"

"Well, this comes pretty damn close to the best day of my life. Excepting, of course, the day my daughter was born."

"Of course. How is the little cutie?"

"She's great, wants to visit Australia."

"Excuse me, would it be too much to ask that my date pay attention to me and not my cameraman?"

Logan chuckled, pulling James' hand toward him and holding it tight. "Jealous, love?"

"Always when it comes to you. So she's talking about Australia again?"

"Yes, that's what happens when you adopt a kangaroo. Joey wants to go see his live-action counterpart."

"We'll have to make that happen, then."

"I was thinking the same thing earlier."

They couldn't stop grinning at each other, two fools in love, and it was a few minutes before Logan asked, "So what's the plan for tonight? Are we just going to eat and uh...spend the night in bed?"

"I didn't think you'd mind that. If you'd rather do something else-"

"Hell, no."

"Good," James laughed. "I figured we could have lunch, then the cameras go off. If, of course, I decide you're worthy of this." Picking up an envelope from a small table off to the side, James continued, "It's supposed to be a room key, but since we're not exactly using a room..."

"What is it?"

"Wait and see. If you pass my test, you'll find out after dinner. Or lunch, rather."

"Oh, give me that." Logan snatched it out of his hand, James smiling but allowing it. Sliding his fingers under the flap, Logan pulled out a piece of paper that had the following words written on it:

_This is the key to my heart. You had it the moment I first kissed your lips, and it wants only to belong to you. If you take it now, it's yours forever._

"Please take it," James whispered.

Logan glanced up before reaching back into the envelope for a small but thick golden key. "Your heart is heavy," he said softly, weighing it in the palm of his hand.

"Make it light. Take it."

Logan slid it into his pocket, eyes once again glued to James as he realized this was as good as a proposal. They'd do it all for the cameras next week, but in his mind this was it, what he'd journeyed here so long ago to find. Jane's face flashed before him and his breath caught, but then he saw in his mind Caroline in that cardboard castle with James, the ridiculous crown on his head, and he could breathe again.

"Are you okay?" James was up and moving in a second, Logan holding a hand up.

"Fine. Just...letting go of some things."

James sat back down, motioning for the servers to approach, and Logan managed a smile.

"So you talked to Caroline today?"

"Yes, she asked me to say hi for her and tell you she misses you."

Melting, James reached across the table for Logan's hand. "What else did she say?"

"That she's decided on a name for her horse."

"Oh. Shit."

"Mm-hm."

"So uh...I can get her the horse, right? I mean, you're not gonna be a big meanie and deny your daughter that one thing she wants most, are you?"

"You can get her the horse, James. At this point I'd be the wicked stepfather if I said no."

"I don't mean to make you out to be that, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, but the horse is as far as it goes. Things like—what's that look for?" Logan asked with suspicious eyes.

"Well, it's nothing big, but-"

"Are you _squirming_? James, what did you do now?"

"Nothing, I mean it's just a little thing, and Carlos talked me into it, so if you want to be mad at somebody, be mad at him!"

"Carlos talked you into...I'm lost."

James sighed, freeing his hand to focus on the salad set before him, then said, "Yesterday we went to the royal palace and-"

"You and Carlos?"

"Yes."

"So you've already had your date with him."

James hesitated a beat, but then nodded.

"How'd it go?"

"It was fun."

"I'll bet," Logan bit out.

Letting the comment drop, James moved on. "We took a tour of Buckingham Palace and at the end of it there was this gift shop, and they had this...well, it's basically a replica of the queen's outfit. There's a crown and a robe and gloves and a sceptre and it's exactly Caroline's size and then Carlos wanted the shoes and-"

"So Carlos talked you into this?"

"Yes! I wasn't sure if I should do it because you said I can't spoil her but when I saw it I couldn't help myself and the crown, it's got so many diamonds that sparkle and I just know she's gonna love it and-"

"Do you know what she decided to call her horse?" Logan interrupted.

James blinked, surprised by the tone. It wasn't the condescending "James, you shouldn't have done that" he'd been expecting. "What?"

"Diamond."

"Are you...oh my god, are you kidding me?" Overcome, James had to set his fork down and sit back, lifting a linen napkin to his mouth.

"The funny thing is, she has no idea that's your last name. I checked with Mom, and she never mentioned it. But somehow Caroline still chose 'Diamond.' When I asked her why, she said it's because she wants to get one with a diamond on its forehead."

"Okay, we can do that, I researched—I mean, I had _Rich_ research some things and found one that would be perfect, and it actually does have a diamond on its forehead and they're willing to sell and-"

"When did you do all this?"

"Rich. _Rich_ did it."

Rolling his eyes, Logan asked, "When did _Rich_ do it?"

"Uh...sometime between your date and Ryan's."

"Even though I told you not to think about a horse until this is over and done and a sure thing?"

"You never actually said I couldn't, Logan, just that you wanted to wait. And I'm totally willing to wait, but it doesn't hurt to start looking into things now." When Logan didn't reply but instead crossed his arms over his chest, James made a frustrated noise. "What's the big deal? It's not like I went out and bought the thing already, I wanted her approval first."

"I guess I'm lucky you didn't call her yourself and set it all up without mentioning it to me."

"Logan, I wouldn't do that."

"Wouldn't you? You have no filter with her, James, you had no idea if this was going to work between us-"

"It doesn't matter if it works, she's getting the horse either way."

"And the little queen outfit and the castle, I'm sure."

"I promised her the castle. She's getting it."

"That's my point. You can't just go around getting her stuff without talking it over with me first. I'm her father, James."

"I know that, Logan."

"You don't act like it."

"I thought we were on same page here. Am I wrong?"

"No, James, it's just..." Logan shook his head. "I'm not kidding when I say I won't let you spoil her. If you can't learn to say no..."

"I'll work on it."

"You need to."

"I will."

"Fine."

The main course arrived then, giving them each time to cool off and focus on something else for a minute, but then James ventured, "So, at the risk of pissing you off more, I was thinking about schools."

"Schools?"

"Yeah. You know, because you said you wanted to put her in regular school but you can't right now. With your work schedule and everything."

"Right..."

"Well, uh...with me around you wouldn't have to worry about picking her up, I could handle that. And then we could get her into a private school. I don't know where you want to move to, but you did say you wanted to, and there are some great ones I looked into." Not daring to look up at Logan, James kept his attention on his dinner and waited for the explosion.

"I...James."

James held his silence, still waiting.

"One of the things Jane and I did talk about before she died was the education we wanted for Caroline. I was all for private school, but she thought it would be better for Caroline to grow up with all types of kids so that she could see what real life is like. She didn't want Caroline to be pampered all her life and then suddenly be thrown into the harsh world and go into shell shock."

"I see."

"As far as an education, anything public school lacks I can make up for. I _am_ a genius."

"That you are," James said quietly. "What if I wanted to put her in gymnastics? Would that be a problem? I think she'd really enjoy it."

"Gymnastics? Wow, that has a lot of potential for broken bones."

"She's a kid, Logan, she's going to suffer broken bones once in a while. Not that I want that for her, I'm just saying you can't protect her from everything."

"Jane always thought she'd be good in ballet."

James nodded, setting his fork down. "What else does Jane think we should do with your daughter?"

"That's not fair."

He looked away, mouth tight.

"She will always be Caroline's mother, James."

"I'm perfectly aware of that."

"You need to accept it."

"I have, Logan. I've accepted that. But somehow I don't think you've accepted that marrying someone else means giving up a little control."

"She's my _daughter_."

"I fucking know that, okay?" Throwing down his napkin, James hissed, "But I am not going to be a half-assed father who has no say in her future. I lived through that, my own father didn't give a shit about me and I felt invisible most of the time. I won't do that to Caroline. If I step into this family, I expect to be part of it, not some outside figure who watches her grow up while hiding in the shadow of your dead wife."

"James-"

"Do you know what it's like to sit in that living room with her staring at me from every direction? Feeling like she's judging me and finding me unworthy of even being in the presence of her angel?"

Stunned, Logan stared at James. "She's not judging you," he whispered.

"Look, I get that you want to keep her alive for Caroline. I actually want to know more about her, I'm fascinated by a woman who can keep you so enthralled even when she's been gone for three years, but I won't be made to feel like an intruder. Every time I open my mouth about Caroline it's 'Jane says this' or 'Jane says that' and Jesus Christ, Logan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry she's gone, I'm sorry for your pain, but you have to let her go for this to work."

"I _have_ let her go."

"I don't think so."

"And I don't think you really have a clue what Caroline needs. You met her once, spent one day with her. That doesn't make you a pro at providing for her."

"I never said it did."

"But you're over here making all these plans without even talking to me about it first. I'm sorry, James, but you don't know what she needs."

"I'll learn with time, just give me the chance to-"

"And then it might be too late. Children aren't math problems that you can erase when you make a mistake. Mistakes cause lasting damage. I know what's right for her. You have to let me raise her the way I see fit."

"Because I'm not good enough. Is that why you keep trying to push me onto Kendall and Carlos? Because I'm not good enough for your daughter?"

"I didn't say that."

"Bullshit!" James exploded, standing up and knocking the chair back. "I never will be good enough because I'm not Jane. Sure, I'm a great fuck, and I'm fun to hang out with for a day, but when it comes down to taking me seriously as a husband, as a father for your daughter, that's where you draw the line. What the fuck did you even come here for, Logan? I thought you wanted a father for your child."

"I do!"

"No, you want someone to stand by and watch. I won't do that. It's either all or nothing with me, if you don't allow me to have some kind of say in that child's life, then we might as well end this right now."

Logan stood up, gaze narrowing on James. "You're scared."

"Of course I'm scared! I'm scared out of my fucking mind that I'm going to ruin this child's life, do you think I look at this like some kind of game?"

"No, but you really have no idea what you're stepping into. You just...you don't. You can't expect to come over and play house for one day and end up knowing everything that goes with raising a child! And for that reason, I need to be the one to make decisions, to raise her the way I know she needs to be raised."

"While I just stand by and feel like some useless piece of shit."

"You know what? If that's how you're going to look at it, then this isn't going to work."

"It's not _about_ how I look at it. It's just the way it is. Are you seriously telling me it's not going to work between us?"

"If you insist on trying to run her life, yes. I'm sorry, James, you're just not ready. Maybe one day you will be, but right now..." Logan shook his head. "I'm sorry."

It was a minute before James said, "Logan...I love you, but I'm not going to marry someone who won't let me be an active part of his family. I'm not bending on this."

Logan nodded. "I know," he said softly.

They stared at each other for a long time as it sank in, Logan finally turning away.

"So that's it. After everything we've been through, this is how it ends. You're leaving."

"I'll make sure she gets the gifts. Just leave them with Carlos and she'll get them eventually."

"Logan, if you'd just let go of Jane-"

"Jane isn't the problem," Logan said quietly.

More silence followed that, the ocean deafening suddenly.

Blinking furiously, James asked, "Can I walk you to the car at least?"

Logan nodded, holding out his hand, and James took it in a death grip but got his feet moving. Once they reached the limo, he managed, "There was a part of me that always knew you'd leave, right from the very start."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, James."

"You're just...too good to be real. You deserve someone who can give you what you need. I wanted to be that, more than anything I wanted to be that, but I guess loving someone enough doesn't always mean it's meant to be." He pulled Logan into his arms, clutching as if he'd never let go, but then he did.

When Logan turned away, James called his name. One hand on the open door, Logan stopped but didn't turn back.

"Logan, I'm not...I won't be able to handle seeing you after this. I don't know how to just be your friend."

"I understand."

"Tell her I'm sorry. That I wanted to be there."

Numb, Logan climbed into the car. If Kendall had been there, or even Carlos, one of them could possibly have talked some sense into him. But they weren't there this time, he was alone and needed to focus only on what was best for Caroline, and so he closed the door after one last look at James-the man who would always be the love of his life. What James couldn't be, though, was what Logan needed most—a father for Caroline. The truth was he hadn't thought this through completely, had been so blinded by the intensity of his love for James that he hadn't understood what bringing in another parent would truly mean.

Logan had seen countless women and men suffer this moment, being driven away from the one they'd fallen for, and most of them cried and wailed to the camera. Logan did neither, he simply sat in silence as the reality of what he'd walked away from washed over him. He glanced back once to see James enfolded in Rich's arms, black streaks painting his cheeks as his tears ran through the eyeliner.

"I'm sorry," Logan whispered, a hand pressed to the window, and then he gave in to tears himself.


	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

First, thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and good vibes regarding my personal life in your reviews/messages. It helps, more than you know. You guys are so sweet!

Second. I'm sorry. It had to happen this way. Please stick with me until the end, but if you can't I understand.

Third...the boys are killing me. It's bad enough James went to a Lakers game, then they went to Hawaii and took a picture in a cave of sorts. I wrote this chapter last week and then last night there were pics of them cliff diving. My heart can't take much more.

Also, I make a point to reply to my reviews, but for chapter 30 I most likely won't, mostly because there's not a lot I can say. It's getting harder and harder to do that without revealing the ending, so I'm forcing myself to keep my mouth shut when I need to. I love hearing from you, though.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Kendall had begun to wonder if the dates weren't actually falling on consecutive days when there was finally a knock on his door. He knew Carlos' had been two days before, and Logan's yesterday so assumed he would be today, but when it got to be noon and there had been nothing, he'd decided today wasn't his day.<p>

Of course as soon as he'd come to that conclusion, Chris had shown up to inform him a helicopter would be waiting for him on top of the hotel in an hour and his escort would appear just before.

"Dress comfortably but bring along nice clothes" was the only real instruction he was given.

Kendall jumped into the shower, trying to shake off the past few days. His first full day in London had been the worst. He'd gone crazy in his room, attempting to distract himself from his thoughts, but finally it had been too much.

Figuring if anyone caught him he'd explain that he was returning Joanie to Carlos (he hadn't forgotten her and was ashamed of himself for lying about it, especially to Carlos, but the words had slipped out before he thought them through and now he could just say he'd never taken her out of his suitcase after all), he exited the room with the inflated dog in his hand and walked to the next door and knocked. He knew which rooms Logan and Carlos were in as they'd been escorted to them together, and when Carlos didn't answer he knocked again.

Nothing.

Kendall had then gone to Logan's room, and that door was opened after the first knock. "Kendall, are you crazy? You're going to get us kicked out."

"Please, they're not sending us home at this point. They'd have no show left."

"Fine, just...what do you want?"

"I was going to return Joanie but Carlos isn't answering."

"Oh." The implication set in. "_Oh._ Well. I'd assume you're next then, that's James' pattern."

"Yeah. Good luck."

"You, too, buddy."

But he hadn't been next. Logan didn't answer his knock the following day when Kendall had come to him, head pounding so badly he kept having to run to the toilet in fear of puking. This was due to the monster hangover he was suffering after drinking himself into a stupor the night before. He remembered almost none of it except a vague dream where Carlos came to his door and he'd screamed at him, and when Kendall woke from his passed-out state he was shaken. It was a mark of how deeply Carlos had gotten to him that he dreamed of Carlos even when in a blackout, which he hadn't experienced since college.

But today was his day with James. He was determined not to let James off the hook this time; James Diamond was going down.

The thought made him laugh when taken literally. He certainly hoped James would do that, because those lips...

_That's right, focus on James. Logan's got this, but James has no idea what you can do in bed._ Whether they'd fucked or not, Kendall knew he had an edge in this area.

Immediately feeling guilty for using Logan's lack of experience against him, Kendall nevertheless strengthened his resolve to take James down.

The only problem would be trying to forget that Carlos had already done the same.

* * *

><p>Kendall was shocked to see James in the helicopter when he arrived on the rooftop.<p>

"Hey," he greeted, hugging James once he was settled. "I expected to meet you there."

"Well, it's not every day we get a helicopter ride together, is it?"

Thinking back to their first date, Kendall smiled. So much had changed since then, when his biggest problem had been discouraging James while at the same time convincing James to keep him around. He wished suddenly for that again, for the heartache to cease, for the feeling of falling in love with someone who wanted him.

But now there was Logan in James' life, and Kendall had paled in comparison.

Or had he? James took his hand and held it tight once Kendall was belted in, Kendall surprised but returning the gesture. He studied James more closely and frowned. "You look like shit."

"Wow, that's definitely the way to win my heart," James joked. "And I was thinking the same thing about you."

Kendall shrugged. "I didn't sleep well."

"Neither did I."

"This thing is really taking a toll on you, isn't it?"

"Just a little bit," James chuckled.

"Well, relax. Kendall's here to take care of you now. It's what I do best, remember?"

He slid an arm over James' shoulders, James burrowing into him and laying his head on Kendall's chest, and Kendall was surprised but kissed James' hair.

Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

* * *

><p>"Ever been skydiving?" James asked as the helicopter set them down.<p>

"Sky...are you serious?"

"Totally. You ready to jump out of an airplane with me?"

"Holy shit. Yes, but I'm terrified."

"Yeah? You'll do it?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not without looking like a pussy if you chicken out."

"Fuck you, Diamond," Kendall laughed, hugging him close before unbuckling his seatbelt and happy to see a genuine smile on James' face. "Carlos is gonna kill us for going without him, though."

Once they'd stepped out and gotten a distance away, James clutched Kendall's elbow to stop him. "Listen. Can we go one day without talking about everyone else? This is our date and it needs to stay that way or it's never going to work."

Kendall sighed, frustrated with himself. "You're right. From now on, Carlos and Logan don't exist. It's just you and me until this contest is over."

A pained expression flashed through James' eyes, but he nodded. "Thank you."

"No, you're right. It should've been that way from the start. I'm sorry I let them cloud my judgment."

"You can't help it, Kendall. You're the caretaker."

"Yes, but it's time I took care of myself, right? Isn't that what you've been saying all along?"

James nodded again, hugging Kendall to him with one arm and continuing toward the building that housed the skydiving company. "So you're taking this leap with me?"

Feeling that James was referring to more than skydiving, Kendall nodded firmly. "I'm in."

James stopped walking, suddenly turning to Kendall and kissing him. It was a light kiss, almost as if it was their first, and Kendall realized that while it wasn't like kissing Carlos, the spark was still there.

It would do.

* * *

><p>Skydiving was a rush like nothing Kendall had ever known. Once they were in the plane it was James who'd almost chickened out, Kendall coaxing him at first but when that didn't work he'd turned to insults. That, of course, pissed James off, and when it was time they'd gone together, screaming the whole way and loving every minute of it.<p>

The second they were free from their instructors they'd run to each other, Kendall tackling James as they laughed and whooped from the adrenaline and when Kendall couldn't help himself, needing an outlet for all that he was feeling, he tore off his goggles and attacked James' lips. James kissed him back with a vengeance, knocking him to the ground to better devour him until Kendall finally rolled over on top of James, pinning him and satisfied when James offered no resistance.

"Can't wait to get you alone," Kendall growled, and rather than answer James kissed him again, cutting off further talk until neither could breathe and had to lay there panting just to be able to function again.

"What's next?" Kendall asked when he'd calmed down a bit.

"Cliff diving."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Let's do it."

The helicopter shuttled them to another location and they repeated the experience. While it wasn't nearly the rush skydiving had been, the risk of cutting it too close to the cliff added enough danger to make it exciting, and after the first jump Kendall swam to the side to call up insults again, James giving him the finger before backing up for a running leap.

Kendall was there waiting for him, rewarding him with more kisses.

"I wasn't scared that time, just so you know."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall said, "Bullshit."

"I wasn't. I just like the way you cuddle me when you think I am," he grinned.

"You really don't need to pretend for that to happen," Kendall replied, arms tightening around James before they kissed again, and when Kendall wrapped his legs around James' waist, James kicked water to keep them afloat.

"Want to go again?" James whispered, Kendall feeling his arousal through the shorts he wore.

"Yeah. Just kiss me a few more times first."

Once again there was no fight in James, Kendall beginning to believe he was finally making up for lost time and wanting to keep his edge. He pulled away but dragged James along behind him to the shore, then took him down again in the sand, James meeting the assault with abandon in a way he never had before, not even in the beginning when he'd still idolized Kendall. There had always been that guard, the wall that Kendall met time and time again. It was nonexistent now, James so open that Kendall felt if he pushed, James would go all the way right here on the beach.

Of course there were still cameras trained on them, but he was feeling reckless and the network could censor whatever they wanted. To test his theory, he slipped his hand between them and into James' shorts, James gasping into his mouth and thrusting into the touch while fingers became like claws in Kendall's back.

"Jesus, James," Kendall whispered. Why couldn't he have been this free when he'd come to the house in Minnesota, where they'd been in a locked room away from cameras? It didn't matter, he supposed; they had all night and there was no doubt James would offer him the Fantasy Suite key before the evening was done.

"You still want to dive again?"

James licked his lips, keeping his eyes closed, and said, "I just want you to fuck me into oblivion. So hard I can't even think."

Kendall smirked, realizing that no matter how good Logan and Carlos might've been in bed, they obviously hadn't been able to give James what he needed. Pain shot through his heart at the idea of Carlos fucking James, but he stomped it down. Carlos had consumed enough of his thoughts the past few weeks, and what James was suggesting sounded perfect-a night of mind-numbing sex where he could maybe find peace for a while. Kendall knew it wouldn't last, but even a few hours of freedom from the longing for something he could never have would be welcome.

Or maybe it _would_ last. Maybe James could replace what Carlos had become in his life, and he could be happy again. "That I can do."

"We have to do dinner first, though. The show requires it."

Kendall grinned down at James, whose eyes were still closed. "We'll need to build up our energy for the night anyway."

James' eyes opened, hazel boring into green as his lips split into a smile. "I'm counting on you to get drunk with me this time."

Anything to hasten the oblivion. "Done."

They held hands as they walked back to the helicopter, feeling closer to each other than ever.

* * *

><p>Dinner was in the hotel's finest restaurant, and when Kendall saw the dance floor his gaze narrowed on James, who had risen from the elegantly decorated table. "I'm not dancing with you, no matter how drunk you get me."<p>

"Relax, I don't want to dance with you." James greeted Kendall with a light kiss, one hand sliding up his neck and into his hair.

"Oh, really. I'm not sure how to take that."

"Never happy, are you, Kendall?" James smirked.

Not lately, he wasn't, but Kendall wasn't going to think about that tonight. "Give me a reason to be."

"Let's start with prime rib. I seem to remember you loving that."

Kendall practically salivated at the idea. "I'm starving. We really did work up an appetite."

"It's been a busy day, yeah." James pulled out Kendall's chair, Kendall smiling when he sank into it.

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Anything for you, your highness."

After James was seated, Kendall asked, "Why is it that even when you're complimenting me, I feel like I'm being mocked?"

"Because if I didn't tease you, you'd think I didn't love you."

"I...can't argue that," Kendall grinned. "Oh, we already have wine. This is a good start."

"Definitely." James poured them each a glass, settling back in his chair with a deep sigh.

"You okay?"

James nodded slowly, eyes on his glass. "It's been a rough week. Hell, a rough month."

"Yeah. I think we were all nuts to willingly put ourselves through this."

"For sure," James agreed. "And yet...I'd do it all again. Every second of it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'd change a few things, but...even if I couldn't, I'd relive it over and over."

Kendall cocked his head to the side, sipping his wine before guessing, "Because it's worth the risk to find love?"

"Because even though there's been a lot of pain, I've had experiences that changed me forever. Perfect moments in time, you know?"

Flashes of Carlos sleeping in his arms, of their long kiss on the plane, of Carlos looking up at him like the world's biggest hero. "Yes," Kendall said softly. "I do know."

Lifting his wine glass, James toasted, "To love."

Fighting back tears that hit out of nowhere, Kendall clinked his own glass to James'. "To love. And the heartache that's worth it for those perfect moments."

Rather than drinking, James set his glass down and stood up suddenly. "I'll be right back. Just need..."

He never finished, but Kendall didn't mind. He needed, too—so many things, and once James was gone he let a few tears flow, hating himself for them. What was wrong with him? He had what was probably the most gorgeous man in the world right in front of him (or soon to be), with the promise of what he already knew was going to be explosive sex, but he was _crying_? Over a guy who wasn't even in love with him?

There was a tiny part of Kendall that was tempted to walk away now, to let Carlos have James because Carlos deserved to be treated well, and James would do that, at least. He didn't doubt Carlos would be cherished and loved by James, and he should have been easily able to walk away and hand Carlos over with his blessing.

And yet he couldn't. Not even just because he wanted Carlos for himself, but also because he was tired of being alone. James was his one chance to have a real partner again, someone who understood him and would share the ups and downs of life and yeah, there was still Logan, but at this point Kendall felt he finally had a shot again. And he was going to take it, for once doing something that he needed for himself. Logan was a great guy, but even he doubted that James was going to go through with it once the final decision had to be made; taking on a parental role was a huge responsibility, and no matter how deeply James felt for Logan, Kendall didn't think he would do it when the time came. Logan would find someone else. Being here had shown Logan that he had it in him to love again, and while it would be difficult for Logan to see James with someone else, he was smart enough to realize that it was for the best if James wasn't able to handle being a father, and eventually he would move on.

Carlos would bounce back. Kendall had been worried about that from the start, his protective nature guiding him toward the man who would probably be most devastated upon rejection, but Logan had said it and Kendall now believed he was right—Carlos would survive, and like Logan he would move on, and hey—if nothing else, maybe the two of them would turn to each other in their heartache and form a family of their own.

Bile suddenly rose into Kendall's mouth, causing him to jump up and rush in the direction James had gone. James passed him on the way, doing a u-turn to follow him back into the bathroom after he zipped by. He was gagging over a toilet when he heard James call out to him.

"Kendall? What's wrong? Are you sick?"

_Keep it down. Just breathe, keep it down, don't ruin this. And don't let Carlos ruin it, either._ "Fine. I think all the excitement from the day caught up to me. I'm sorry."

"It's no problem, I'm just concerned. You want to call it a night?"

"No! No," he repeated. "I'll be fine, I didn't even puke. Just had a scare there," he joked, standing up and flushing the toilet. He opened the stall and picked up a folded towel from the sink, wetting it before pressing it to his face. When he lowered it he noted a wadded-up one already sitting on the counter. "Did you throw up?"

"No. Just needed to cool off for a minute, didn't feel well."

"Damn, we're a pair, aren't we? Spending a romantic dinner getting sick in the bathroom?"

James gave him a sad smile, then pulled Kendall into his arms. "I'm glad you're here."

Kendall sank into the embrace. "I'm glad I am, too."

"Let's go have a delicious dinner, get a little tipsy, and then fuck all night."

"Music to my ears," Kendall smiled, kissing James' neck before following him out to the table.

After refilling both their wine glasses, James said, "Okay, enough with the heavy shit. What did your family say about me?"

"Oh god, my Mom...she couldn't shut up about you. You have been upgraded from 'handsome' to 'gorgeous' but she says she now feels weird thinking that about you because you're like a son to her."

James laughed, digging into the appetizers that had appeared during their absence. "I love your mom, dude. She really made me feel welcome and actually gave me some great advice."

"She's good like that." Taking some food off the plate when James held it up to him, Kendall continued, "And Glenn was disappointed he didn't get to meet you. I wish you could've stayed longer."

"Yeah, I kind of do, too."

Hesitating but finally deciding it needed to be talked about, Kendall asked, "Was it because of Logan that you left so early? I know we agreed not to talk about them, but this concerns us. I want to make sure the reason you left isn't because of something I said or did wrong."

"No, Kendall, nothing at all like that. I promise. It _was_ because of Logan, I won't lie about that, but it was more that I needed to get an idea what an entire day in the life of that family is like. As unfair as it sounds, I spent twice as much time there as I did with the rest of you. I'm sorry you got cheated."

"It really _wasn't_ fair."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"But I understand that you need to know that, since you're considering becoming a father to Caroline."

James swallowed down half his glass of wine, closing his eyes before setting it down again. "What about Katie? Did I ever win her approval?"

"She actually sort of liked you."

"Only sort of?"

"For her, that's a lot. I get the feeling she doesn't think we belong together, but that's because she doesn't know you well. I'm sure that would change over time."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure, but it wouldn't stop me."

"No?"

"Nope."

"Believe it or not, that might make Katie like you better."

Chuckling, James shook his head. "She's something else. More wine?"

"Please." Kendall held his glass up. "So...if I survive this week, I get to meet your family, right?"

"My mother, yes. I think I told you I don't speak to my father anymore?"

"We're even on that. But just her?"

"No, Lana will be there, too. She's not blood, but she's like a sister to me and I told the producers I want her there. I respect her opinion more than my mother's anyway."

"Wow. Your mom's gonna be pissed when they air this."

James shrugged. "We understand each other. I know she loves me, and she shows it in her own way. You might think she's cold if you met her, and I guess she is, but her heart's in the right place."

"Should I be nervous?"

"Definitely." James smiled to take the sting out of his words, linking fingers with Kendall. "Here, try this. It's really good."

"What is it?"

"Just taste it." James lifted an appetizer to Kendall's lips, watching while he chewed it. "Good?"

"That's amazing. What is it?"

"Snails."

Kendall spit it out all over his plate, James cracking up and beating the table with his hand. "That was so great."

"You're a little bitch." He downed his wine, trying to kill the taste.

"Come on, it was good! You said so!"

Shuddering in disgust, Kendall wiped up the mess he'd made. "You're still a bitch."

"Can I be _your_ bitch?" James smirked, one eyebrow raised.

Something in his tone had Kendall's body heating up, and when he glanced up into James' eyes he couldn't tear his gaze away. "I guess that answers that question," he said softly.

"What question would that be?"

"One of the guys suggested a long time ago that you might be a bottom."

"Being someone's bitch has nothing to do with bottoming. You can top and still be submissive."

"Oh?"

"Oh yeah."

"I'm not quite sure how that would work," Kendall said slowly. "You might need to show me."

"You might need to _make_ me."

Kendall's breathing quickened. "Why are we still only on the appetizers?"

"Because I like teasing you."

And why was every single word out of James' mouth suddenly dripping with sex? Kendall reached out to pour himself more wine, but only a few drops fell from the bottle. With a wave of his hand, James had another bottle there in ten seconds.

"When do I get the invitation? You'd better not be fucking with my head like this and not go through with it."

"Oh, don't worry. I have every intention of going through with it. I need this tonight."

"You and me both."

The meal was delectable, but seemed to take forever. By the time James whipped out the key to the Fantasy Suite, they'd made it through two more bottles of wine and Kendall was having difficulty keeping his hands to himself. At some point James had shifted his chair over so they were in touching distance, and he seemed to delight in running his fingers up Kendall's thigh and slipping his fingers between buttons to rub lightly over Kendall's abs in a way that made him shiver.

"Would you care to join me tonight?" James asked finally, setting the room key in front of Kendall.

"Only if you promise to not let up until I can't move anymore."

"Done."

It was the most violent sex Kendall had ever engaged in. He'd never had angry sex, but he imagined that this was what it felt like. As soon as the suite's door was closed, clothing was ripped off and hair pulled so hard it left them both screaming. They didn't make it to the bedroom, James having stored the necessary supplies in his pockets, and he barely had time to reach for them across the carpet before Kendall was dragging him back, bringing about rug burns that would surely leave a mark but the pain only seemed to make James hotter so that he dragged Kendall over him by the hair to shove his tongue down Kendall's throat.

They prepared themselves quickly, neither caring anymore who topped as long as it happened, and it was James who ended up bent over a couch while Kendall took charge. The rougher Kendall got, the more James seemed to want. Already unsteady from the abundance of wine they'd taken in, their use of tables and chairs to keep their balance did little good. When they crashed to the ground they stayed there, continuing the brutal rhythm until they were spent and panting, heartbeats slowly returning to normal.

"You good?" Kendall asked finally.

"I'm still conscious. We need to fix that."

"Yeah. Should we find the bed?"

"We'll get there eventually."

The cycle repeated itself for hours, the two resting in between until they were ready to go again, but not speaking much. Kendall was fine with that, and even better with the fact that he was unable to form much in the way of coherent thought as their encounters progressed. They weren't satisfied until neither could move, and an exhaustion so great swept over Kendall that he actually nodded off before waking with a jolt. "James?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

"Yeah."

That was all Kendall knew until the light of day, and he woke to an aching body and a worse headache, but he was satisfied. When he trudged past Carlos' door on the way back to his room the pain was still there, but it was muted for the time being.

James had managed to do _that _for him, at least.

After a half-assed shower Kendall fell into his hotel bed, once again passing out to dull the pain. He told himself this would get easier every day, and that eventually he wouldn't even remember what it felt like to have Carlos' lips pressed to his.

His subconscious disagreed with that theory, though, filling his dreams with that bright-eyed face that made him light up like the sun.

* * *

><p>Kendall dressed carefully for what he knew would be a brief ceremony, as Chris had already informed him that they would be leaving tonight for their final destination, if of course he received a rose. Either way he'd be flying somewhere, but he felt confident that he would be one chosen to stay.<p>

What had killed him from the moment he woke up from his half-day nap was the knowledge that he had to say goodbye to Carlos tonight. James could still surprise him, he supposed, but when taking last night into consideration, as well as James' obvious love for Logan, he knew it would be Carlos taking his leave.

The worst part of all of it was that he couldn't be there to comfort Carlos. He remembered talking to Logan about that, how Carlos would have no one to cry to, and the vision of Carlos sobbing in his bed alone (except for perhaps a few stuffed animals James had won him) was enough to bring tears to his own eyes.

_He'll survive. Logan said he would. He may hate me for winning James, if that comes to pass, but he'll survive and move on to find a man who can treat him the way I would, love him the way he deserves to be loved._

If Kendall thought there was any chance he could be that person in Carlos' life, he probably would've said fuck the contest and taken Carlos away, but he'd seen the way Carlos looked at James, heard over and over that James was "perfect." Kendall couldn't argue that anymore, necessarily; when James made you his world, he was as close to the perfect boyfriend as you could get.

_And yet you'd still choose Carlos. You're a fucking moron, Kendall._

_Maybe James will end up choosing Logan. Maybe once Carlos gets over James, things can change. He could take a look at you then and realize that though you're not as perfect as James, you can still make him happy._

And maybe if they hadn't shared those kisses, that would still be possible. Everything had changed when they'd made that mistake, enough that Carlos wanted Kendall to know he would be okay with never seeing him again.

_Yeah. Keep dreaming, buddy._

So with a heavy heart Kendall made his way down to the room that had been set up for the ceremony, once again determined to focus on the man who truly would be a good match for him and would keep his loneliness at bay. James was a more-than-adequate consolation prize.

The cameras were set up, a few of the staff running around making last-minute adjustments, but otherwise he was the first to arrive. The roses on the pedestal were intimidating only in the fact that there were a mere two of them, underscoring the knowledge that Carlos would be leaving tonight.

Hands in pockets, Kendall spun around a few minutes later when Carlos called his name. He managed a smile, because even through the ache it was impossible not to smile around Carlos, and then tried to keep his eyes from straying up and down Carlos' body because he was so gorgeous it was enough to take Kendall's breath away.

"Haven't seen you in ages," Kendall said softly.

"Seems like it, huh? You uh...you doing okay?"

"I'm great. A little nervous, but...you know."

"Yeah." Carlos licked his lips, looking nervous himself, and Kendall couldn't fight it anymore. He approached Carlos and pulled him into a hug, Carlos clutching him so tight it broke Kendall's heart. "I already know I'm going home," Carlos whispered. "I'm gonna miss you."

"You don't know that, Carlos—"

"Yes. I do. And I've made my peace with it. I guess you guys have that connection with James that I just don't."

Kendall placed his lips near Carlos' ear. "James is an idiot if he sends you home. Anyone would be lucky to call you a husband."

Carlos lifted his face, eyes sad, but a tiny smile appeared. "Same goes for you."

The pull was almost unbearable then, Kendall actually dipping his face down slightly, but then Carlos stepped away and asked, "Where's Logan?"

Shaken, Kendall forced his gaze away from Carlos. _Get a grip._ "I'm sure he'll be here any minute. He's probably getting in a quick phone call with Caroline before we leave."

"Did James give you any hint about where you're going next?"

"Nope. How was your date?"

"We're not supposed to talk about it. Yours?"

Kendall chuckled. "We're not supposed to talk about it," he echoed.

There was a call for the two of them to get into place, and they followed instructions out of habit before it hit them that Logan was still missing. "Wait, we're missing a guy-" Kendall started, but he was shushed and then cameras were rolling, Carlos staring up at him questioningly. He shrugged, because surely Logan hadn't been sent home. That made absolutely no sense. Unless Logan did something completely stupid like goad James into an argument or let his jealousy go too far this time.

Or maybe Logan had been right all along. Maybe James had finally come to the conclusion that he wasn't cut out to be a father.

Chris stepped into the room, a bright smile favoring them both before he spoke. "Good evening, gentleman. As you can see, we're down a man. I congratulate you both for making it this far, and wish you luck in the week to come."

Stunned, Carlos and Kendall could only stare at Chris.

"While it may seem unnecessary for this rose ceremony to even continue, you do have the option of turning down the rose when it's offered. Obviously since you're both still here James has decided he sees a future with you, and I hope you take that into consideration before making any rash decisions."

At a gesture from Chris, James entered the room, face once again the mask they'd grown used to seeing in the early days of the competition. He nodded at Chris as a thank you, Chris stepping out before James addressed them. "I'd like to thank you both for bringing me joy in the time I've known you. I honestly do see a future with both of you, and I hope that you'll bear with me one more week while I struggle through this. It's been torture on you, I'm sure, but in that we're even, and I beg you to give me a chance to prove to you that I can be what you need."

After taking a deep breath, James picked up the first rose. "Kendall."

Realizations swirling through his head, Kendall stepped forward, still in a state of semi-shock.

"Will you accept this rose?" James asked, eyes pleading.

"Of course I will." It wasn't lost on him that Logan had already been sent home by the time his date with James occurred, and while it all suddenly made sense, he wasn't going to let it anger him. Yes, James had been so free probably only because Logan was already gone, but it didn't change the fact that he had made the decision to send Logan home and keep Kendall instead. Kendall imagined that it had been the hardest decision James had ever had to make in his life, and his need to be fucked so hard he couldn't think also made sense to Kendall now—but Kendall understood that need completely, and as he had been using James in an attempt to forget Carlos he figured he had no right to be angry that James used him to forget Logan. Maybe now they could both move past the heartache together and find that happiness in each other that they both needed so desperately.

James fastened the rose with steady fingers, a calm over him that was only belied by the fact that he hugged Kendall tight to him afterward, drawing strength from him. "I'm here," Kendall whispered, James squeezing him harder before letting go. He nodded a thanks to Kendall, then waited for Kendall to take his place next to Carlos before lifting the second rose.

James met Carlos' gaze head-on, bracing himself. "Carlos."

Carlos approached more slowly, still in somewhat of a daze, and James asked, "Will you accept this rose?"

There wasn't an answer for a long time, Carlos studying James as a whirlwind of thought stormed through his brain. Kendall's stomach cramped as he silently pleaded with Carlos to make the right decision, to stay another week if for no other reason than to be near Kendall as long as he could.

"Yes," he finally said softly, and before James even attached the rose he pulled Carlos to him, relief evident in every pore. Carlos folded and hugged him back just as tight, whispering something to him that had James almost in tears but did the trick. He was able to step back and now his fingers were shaking as he fastened the flower, thanking Carlos quietly. Carlos squeezed his hand once, then returned to Kendall's side.

Chris was there suddenly, whispering in James' ear with a hand on his shoulder, James nodding in a way that meant he was reassuring Chris that he was okay. Satisfied, Chris turned to face Kendall and Carlos.

"Good to have you both along for the ride. Your luggage is being taken to the cars waiting for you, and you will be flown separately to our next location. Say your goodbyes now, and then prepare for a few days of fun in Australia."

Kendall gaped, head whipping over to James, but he wasn't looking at either of them. Instead his eyes were dead again, the mask firmly in place, and then Kendall was in Carlos' arms.

"What happened to Logan?"

"James sent him home," Kendall whispered, hugging Carlos tight.

"Do you think he's okay?"

Kendall wasn't sure which of them Carlos was referring to, but he replied, "I'm sure he will be."

"I miss you."

Eyes falling closed as the pain ripped through him, Kendall whispered, "I miss you, too. Take care of yourself."

"You, too."

When they broke apart James was gone and it was time to leave. He kissed Carlos on the cheek, Carlos slowly moving his face so their lips lightly brushed together as he pulled back, and Kendall wanted to scream from the force of the need that simple touch brought about in him.

"Goodbye, sexy," Carlos whispered, gaze somewhere over Kendall's shoulder.

"Goodbye, Carlos."

Turning his back on the man who had somehow managed to become his entire world, Kendall walked out of the room and toward his future with James.


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

A longer chapter. Finally we get to see what James is thinking. In the show, this episode is centered around the Bachelor more than at any other time (except maybe for the first episode), so you get a better idea of what he's thinking. This chapter does that as well.

I figured out a long time ago how this was going to end and how it would come to that point, but last night I finally planned out every scene in my head. I now know there will be 4-5 more chapters, depending on whether or not I do an epilogue. I haven't decided that yet. Either way, I know a lot of you are pissed and that this story may not turn out the way you wanted it to. I will say this again and again and again—everything happens for a reason, and in the end, everyone will be happy. Everyone. Except maybe Jerry, but he's a jerk. You'll hear more about what went down with him in a later chapter.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>The show had rented a house on the beach for James, and while he stared out the window at the ocean his thoughts, as always, turned to Logan. He remembered the night he'd originally planned this trip, going to the producers and begging for them to change the final location to Australia after Jerry had been booted in Rio. It took him over an hour to convince them, and he'd never regretted it until this moment when he had to face that his visions of taking Logan on a kangaroo safari would never come to pass. He'd thought they could do it on this trip, check it out to decide if it was something Caroline would enjoy. He'd also thought it the perfect place to propose, saving it as a surprise, but that wasn't going to happen now.<p>

It had been four days since he'd said goodbye to Logan, and he wondered when the pain would begin to subside. He knew it would eventually, that even though he would never forget Logan and Caroline it would become easier in time to think about them, but so far it cut him just as deeply as it had the night he'd watched Logan disappear from his life in a limo.

_Make it stop. For the love of God, just make it stop._

A hand fell on his shoulder. "You okay, buddy?"

James shrugged, arms crossed over his chest. "I just wish Lana would hurry up and get here. You're a great shoulder to cry on, Rich, but I think I've abused you over the past few days."

"I don't mind it. I just hope you know what you're doing."

"I know what I need to do. And I know we'll be happy together."

"Even if he's going to be living in Logan's shadow for the rest of his life?"

"I'm tired of being alone, Rich. I was fine with it before this whole thing. Never thought I'd end up as someone who can't bear to sleep alone."

"We all need people sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

James spun around. "You got a girlfriend?"

"I do not. Women are trouble."

Grinning, James said, "Don't think I didn't notice your eyes lingering on Kendall's sister when we were there."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

James laughed. "I think she's taken, sorry."

"No concern of mine."

"You never know, though. Things change. No relationship is perfect."

"I need to go set up my camera."

Laughing again, James said, "There's food in the kitchen if you guys are hungry. Lana and Mom are supposed to be here pretty soon, so grab it now."

"On my way. But if you need me, I'm here."

"Thanks, Rich. I'd be lost without you."

"I know."

"I'll also add that Lana's single. If you happen to find her to your liking when you meet her."

"Quit trying to set me up with everyone! Women are trouble!"

"Yeah," James said sadly. The problem was, so were men.

* * *

><p>James greeted Lana with the longest hug they'd ever shared, her not complaining but allowing it because she knew he was going through hell. When they broke apart, she asked, "You holding up okay?"<p>

"No. I hate you for convincing me to do this."

"You do not. You met the love of your life, you'll be thanking me on your wedding day."

Pain sliced through him as he looked away.

"Oh shit. You fucked it up, didn't you? You got scared and sent him home."

Stepping past Lana, James grabbed his mother's arm and pulled her in. "Hey, Mom. Welcome to Australia."

"You couldn't have done this somewhere colder, like Switzerland? I'm sweating through my blazer."

"And if we'd done Switzerland, you'd be bitching because you're too cold. The place is air-conditioned, come in and relax."

"James, sit down and talk to me," Lana commanded. "Last time I saw you, you were bubbling over with happiness. I mean, you were terrified and unsure things would go well with Caroline, but you were hopeful. Did it go badly with her?"

"No," James sighed. "Let me grab your bags and I'll join you guys in the dining room in a minute. Get something to drink and cool off."

A few minutes later they all were all settled around the table, cameras trained on them.

"So tell me about the two boys who think they're good enough for my son."

"They're more than adequate, Mother. They both make me smile and laugh and when I'm with them, I'm happy."

Lana's eyes narrowed. "But do you love them?"

"Yes," James glared. "They wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Logan's gone, isn't he?"

"Who's Logan?" Brooke asked. "Is he the one Lana told me about, with the little girl? James, you're not ready to be a father."

James' face crumpled and he blinked away tears as he stared down at the table. "I'm aware of that, Mother."

Lana shot daggers at Brooke. "I think he'd make a fantastic father. He needs something like that in his life, something to ground him. Logan will do that for him, give him the rewarding life he needs."

"Look, it doesn't matter," James interrupted. "Logan's gone. He went home last week."

"Oh, honey. Come here." Lana held out her arms, but James shook his head, grabbing a napkin and wiping tears away.

"I'm moving on. Carlos and Kendall are wonderful guys, and they deserve to be treated right. At this point my biggest problem is deciding which of them to marry."

"Are you leaning toward one in particular?" Lana wanted to know.

"Yes, but I won't tell you which. I want your unbiased opinions after meeting them."

"Okay, just tell me this much, James. Did you send Logan home or did he leave on his own?"

James swallowed. "He left. He's not ready to let someone else into his life, and the truth is I'm not capable of giving that child what she needs."

"Bullshit."

"It's true, Lana. I knew it, but I thought that maybe I could learn. I thought with time I could become the type of father she needs, but I was dreaming. I'm not dad material. I can't hate Logan for recognizing that. He has to think of her first."

"He's an idiot if he thinks you're not good enough, James."

"Damn right," was uttered to James' left, and he rolled his eyes.

"Impartial cameraman, my ass."

"Wait," Lana jumped in. "You met Logan, right? You were there with James in Wisconsin?"

Rich's eyes widened before he hid them behind the camera again.

"Lana, he's not allowed to participate in any of this."

"But he agrees with me. And he was there. Which means I'm right. James did wonderful with that little girl, didn't he?" she asked Rich.

"He made that girl light up like it was Christmas morning. Logan's an idiot. And don't worry, I'll edit that out, James."

James let out a sigh that turned into a frustrated groan. "Can we stop talking about Logan already? It's over and done."

"My son is right. There's no point in dwelling on the past. Now. Tell me about these boys we're here to meet today."

"Thank you, Mother. Okay. Well, first you'll meet Carlos. He owns a business is New York, is very successful, and lives with five dogs. He comes off almost like a big kid, but there's definitely a deeper side to him and he makes me feel free. When I'm with him, I have fun. I forget about life for a while. I'm able to relax and just go with the moment."

Lana was nodding, having heard much of this when James was home for a day.

"How is the sex?" his mother asked.

"Jesus, Mom. Is that all that matters to you?"

Rich was snorting with laughter, trying to hide it, and Lana merely shook her head. She was used to Brooke.

"James, you're talking about him like he's your best friend from elementary school all grown up. That's fine if you two want to hang out and run around being hooligans, but if you're planning to marry this boy then you need to be sexually compatible. Why do you think your father and I divorced? He was incompetent in the bedroom."

"I thought it was because you're a bitch."

"I don't care how old you are, James, you're never too old to be slapped by your mother. But yes, that was part of it."

"Alright, alright, calm down, both of you." Lana stood up and went to the fridge, which had been stocked for their visit. "You both need some alcohol. Oh, is that potato salad?"

James' face once again started to crumple, but he shook it off. "Mom, Carlos is extremely sexy. I'm sure we'd have just as much fun in bed as we do outside of it."

"You haven't slept with him yet?" Lana questioned, returning to the table with some wine coolers and snacks. "I thought last week was when all that happened."

"Yeah, I uh...we didn't. I opted not to."

Brooke rolled her eyes. "I'm telling you, he's like a buddy to you. You had the opportunity to spend the night with him and chose not to—I know you, James, and for you to turn down sex when it's freely offered is unheard of. Or was it this boy who didn't want to sleep with you?"

"No, he wanted to," James sighed.

"Okay, then tell me why you turned him down." Her eyes bored into him, making him squirm slightly.

"Things were different then, Mom."

"Oh? He wasn't attractive to you last week? Did he suddenly become sexy overnight?"

Lana squeezed James' hand. "Logan was still there then, wasn't he?"

James nodded. "I couldn't do it. I...all day with Carlos I was thinking about it, wondering if I could go through with it when the time came, but Logan...he's very jealous. And I knew that even though I'm here for this reason, to try everyone out and that he would understand and not hate me for it...I couldn't do it. I felt horrible hurting Carlos."

Brooke sighed. "You're too soft. You take everything to heart and I can see you're suffering over this boy who broke you, but he's not worth it."

"He is, Mother."

"Fine, but you said yourself he was right in thinking you're not ready to be a father. I'm in the minority here, but I agree with him. And if you're ever going to move on and be happy, you have to let him go. Don't let him break you down. You're stronger than that."

"Even though I'm too soft," James said wryly.

Brooke reached over to frame his face with her hands. "You are stronger than that, James Diamond. You deserve to be happy, and fuck anyone who stands in the way of that. Who knows, I haven't met this Carlos yet, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe now that the one who blinded you is gone, the sex with him will be off the charts. But what matters most is your happiness."

"That much we can agree on," Lana nodded. She passed him an open wine cooler. "Here, drink some of this. Now tell me what your doubts are about Carlos?"

"Doubts?"

"Yes. I know what you like about him, but no one's perfect. What are your concerns when you think about marrying him?"

"I don't know. He's pretty awesome."

"I repeat, no one's perfect. What do I need to know going into this, when I have the opportunity to question him?"

"Just be gentle with him. Please. Kendall can handle it. Carlos...I don't know."

"So you're the caretaker with him."

James blinked. "I...what?"

"You feel protective of him. Want to keep him safe?"

Thoughts turning to Kendall, James considered that. Were his feelings for Carlos what Kendall's were, the simple need to protect? "I guess. I mean...there's definitely attraction between us. There was from the start."

"But when you're with him, do you feel that pull?"

James hesitated, thinking back over the moments he'd shared with Carlos.

"That's a no," Brooke commented. "He's taking too long to answer."

"That's not fair, Mom."

"Okay, let's try this. Do you feel that pull toward the other guy?"

Glaring at his mother, James said, "Yes."

"There we have it. Carlos is like a brother to you."

"I love him, Mom."

"I'm sure you do. But obviously not in the way you love this Logan boy."

"Can we fucking stop talking about Logan already? Jesus Christ!" James stood up, pacing while running a hand through his hair. "He's gone! He's not coming back! Quit bringing him up!"

"James." Lana stood up, dragging James to her and wrapping him in her arms. "She's just making a point. We don't doubt that you love Carlos, but maybe it is more of a brotherly love than a romantic one. I sensed that when we talked about him in L.A. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy."

"He's incredible. I don't want to lose him."

"I know, sweetie, but you have to make a choice. And if your love for him isn't that all-consuming passion, then you need to let him go so he can find someone who _does_ love him that way."

"Fuck, this sucks. I've never cried so much as I have this past week. Not in my whole life."

"Crying isn't a weakness. It means you feel."

"I beg to differ," Brooke tossed out. "Suck it up, James."

He couldn't help but chuckle. "You really are a bitch, Mom."

"Yes, darling, I know. Now sit down and tell me about the other one."

Lana led James back to the table, standing over him with a hand on his shoulder. "You told me you're insanely attracted to Kendall. And I still can't believe you ended up in this with Kendall Knight. What are the odds of that happening?"

"I know. When I first saw him step out of that limo, I thought I was dreaming. How long have I lusted after that guy?"

"Probably since his first official game with the Kings. I remember the night we watched it on T.V. and we were glued to him, he was so powerful out there, and when it was over we kept talking about him. He was like a god to you."

"Plus, he was gorgeous. That didn't hurt," James smiled. "Remember how I stayed up all night researching him on the Internet? God, I was so obsessed." Suddenly realizing Kendall might see this someday, James flushed. "Uh...Rich?"

"It's taken care of."

"Thanks."

"So this is the hockey player?" Brooke jumped in.

"Yes."

"And is he as amazing in person as you imagined he would be?"

"He's...pretty much, yeah. Sexy, intense, funny, romantic...I mean, I've been the more romantic one so far, but I can tell he loves it. We have so much in common, Mom, and he gets me in a way no one I've ever known does."

"Not even this Logan?"

James groaned. "Do we have to keep bringing up Logan? My feelings for Kendall have nothing to do with him."

"I'm just trying to understand what you see in him. How does he 'get' you?"

"I don't know, he just...does. On our last date we talked about this whole mess and we feel the same way about it; when we talk about things we're usually in the same mindset. Of course we're very different personality-wise but I feel like I can talk to him about anything. He makes me feel...safe, I guess. Comfortable. There aren't many people I can sit and talk to for hours. Ryan was one of them, but with Ryan I was missing that spark."

"Ryan's the one who grew up near you?" Lana asked.

"Right. I had to send him home after the hometown dates, when I realized it wasn't going to change. He's a great guy, but we just don't have that chemistry. We didn't click the way I do with Logan, Carlos, and Kendall."

"James..." Lana started hesitantly, "I know you don't want to talk about Logan anymore but when we talked last time you mentioned that the four of you had decided to keep in touch no matter what. That the three of them had formed a great friendship and they felt you would fit in with that. Since all of this with Logan, has that changed?"

"As far as Logan, yes. Maybe someday I can be his friend, but not anytime soon. And I hate that, I hate that I ruined the chances for that but there's just no way I can be around him and not want him. As crazy as it sounds, he's belonged to me almost since we started this. I don't know how to sit back and watch him find love with someone else, someone who is everything I wanted to be. And I feel horrible about that, because whichever of these guys I choose is going to be his friend and hang out with him sometimes. I just can't be around him without needing to touch him. He's mine." Closing his eyes, James corrected himself. "He _was_ mine. But he's not now and a friendship just wouldn't work. We've been through too much together."

"And these guys understand that? Carlos and Kendall?"

"Kendall would. I don't know about Carlos, he'd probably be hurt that I wasn't part of their get-togethers."

Brooke's eyes narrowed. "How do either of them feel knowing they were second best? That you would have chosen Logan if he hadn't left?"

"They uh...don't know that."

"But they will," Lana reminded him. "When the show airs. They'll know it all then, and how does that make them feel?"

James sighed, laying his head on his arms. "I don't know. They'd probably hate me. But by then I'll be over Logan and hopefully they'll believe me when I tell them that."

"Okay, no more Logan talk," Lana urged. "Back to Kendall. Besides the fact that he's all of those things you mentioned earlier, what would life with him be like?"

"I'd get to see a lot more hockey games," James smiled. "And the sex would be phenomenal."

"Did you sleep with him?" Brooke questioned.

"Yes. It was insane."

"Well, he's got that going for him. And you two have a lot in common. Kendall's got my vote."

"Mother, you haven't even met them yet. You'll hate Kendall, because he won't bow to you."

"Oh, he talks back?"

"He's definitely got a mouth on him. We end up arguing a lot, but that's changed now that he's focused on me again."

Frowning, Lana said, "What do you mean 'focused on you again'? Where was his focus before?"

Lifting his head, James drank some of the wine before replying. "He's got this...caretaker thing going on. He worries about everyone else and fights for them before thinking of himself. He was more concerned with Logan and Carlos' feelings than mine. He even admitted to me that originally he hated me, he was going to walk out as soon as he found out I was the Bachelor, but he stayed for them."

"He hated you?" Lana asked in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because of my image. He thought I was a stuck-up prick. I changed that opinion, but it wasn't easy. He was determined to hate me."

"So he's judgmental," Brooke stated.

"You have room to talk?"

"No, I'm simply making a point, James."

"I wouldn't say he's judgmental, no. He's friendly and open to everyone, has a way about him that puts people at ease. He likes for everyone to get along. It's just that I want someone whose focus is on me, not on the rest of the world. I'm selfish like that. I come by it naturally," he grinned, winking at his mother.

"Yes, you do," she laughed. "But that's changed now? His focus is where it needs to be?"

"It seems to be, yeah. I don't know what changed, I think the fact that I considered sending him home one week really shook him."

"And he loves you?" Lana asked.

"He says he does. And he seems to."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes. I do."

The unspoken words were left hanging in the air, both Lana and James aware that he didn't love either of them as much as he loved Logan, but it was pointless to even mention it. The fact was Logan was gone and James had to consider his current options. "I do love Kendall," he reiterated.

"I know you do. I believe you."

"And he can make me happy. Our life together would be exciting and comfortable at the same time."

"As long as you're happy, James. That's all your mother and I care about."

Brooke nodded, reaching out for James' hand. "Forget about Logan. You need someone who accepts you as you are, not someone who will make you change before marrying you."

_Forget about Logan._ James bit his lip, knowing that was easier said than done. He'd meant what he said on their last date; Logan took that key and kept it, and James' heart would always belong to him. When he closed his eyes at night, there were two faces that swam to the surface, each one breaking his heart all over again with the knowledge he would never have either of them in his arms.

_Forget about Logan. Kendall is a better match for you, anyway._

Standing up suddenly, James exited the house and escaped into the heat of the backyard, needing to clear his head. It was time to let go. He let the tears flow, neither of the women coming to comfort him but letting him work through it on his own, and an hour later when he was called to the house because Carlos was on the way, the tears had stopped and the wall was back in place over his heart.

Now it was time to decide which of the two remaining men would be the one he'd spend his life with.

* * *

><p>Carlos didn't jump out of the car like he usually did, instead climbing out slowly to approach James, who was standing by with a smile and ready hug. The lack of enthusiasm put a damper on James' smile, but Carlos hugged him warmly enough that he felt better. "It's good to see you, Carlos."<p>

"You too, James. You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Ready to plan my future. You?"

"Really unsure of my future right about now."

James nodded. "If you're nervous, there's no need to be."

"I'm meeting your mom, of course I'm nervous. No dad here, right?"

"No, but there is Lana. She's like a sister to me."

"Oh, damn. Now I'm scared."

"Why?" James chuckled, an arm sliding around Carlos and leading him toward the house.

"Because, this could change everything. Logan said meeting the families is the real test, that that's when things start to fall apart."

"Logan doesn't know everything, Carlos. I told you that once before."

"Yeah. Can we talk about what happened with him?"

"No. It's over and done and no longer a concern."

"Okay, but..." Carlos stopped walking, forcing James to do the same as they reached the porch. "You loved him. I know you did."

"I love you, too. Decisions had to be made, you knew it would be like this in the end."

"I know, but...are you guys gonna be able to be friends, or is he pissed at you?"

James sighed, hating more than ever that he could never be truly alone with these guys without them bringing up one of the others. "I don't know, Carlos. I honestly don't know right now."

"Okay. That's fair. I don't think I can be friends with Kendall, either, at least not for a while."

"Kendall? Why not? What happened between you two?"

"One day we were fine, and the next...things were weird. I think the whole contest got to us, and once it's over maybe we can all breathe again and start fresh. I don't want to lose them for good. Or you."

"I don't want to lose you either, Carlos. And I owe you an apology. I'm sorry about our last date. My head was uh...not in the right place, and I'm sorry. I hope you'll let me make that up to you."

"Really?" Carlos smiled. "You want to?"

"Yeah, I do. We will get one more date before the final day, let's see what we can make of it."

"I like the sound of that."

"Good." James leaned in for a kiss, Carlos lifting up to meet him halfway, and when it was done they were grinning at each other, hands clasped. "You ready for the inquisition?"

"You're not gonna leave me alone with them, are you?"

"Hey, I had to face your dad with a _gun_, Carlos. The worst my mom will have with her is a nail file."

"Those can kill, dude."

James laughed, hugging Carlos to him. "It's so good to see you."

"Yeah, I missed you too. Let's get this overwith."

* * *

><p>Carlos was introduced to both of them, Lana greeting him with a hug and liking him immediately while Brooke held off forming an opinion until after she'd grilled him. They were seated around the dining room table a few minutes later, Lana having dug out all the food and served it up while James was in the backyard earlier.<p>

Sensing that Carlos was nervous, James scooted his chair around to Carlos' right side, laying a hand on his leg for reassurance as they ate lunch. They questioned him about the business and about his family, Brooke impressed by the story of Carlos' self-made success in the hot dog world, and her opinion of him rose even more when he was able to readily answer business-related questions with confidence.

Lana wanted to know more about his dogs, and he had them in stitches with stories about them (especially Chachi, who as usual stole the show). He pulled out his wallet to show off the pictures, beaming with pride when the women fawned over them. Brooke had a small dog of her own that she rarely traveled without, only leaving it behind this time because she'd had no choice, and in that Carlos was able to win her over even more as he gushed over pictures of her dog.

"So who's going first?" James asked when the meal was done, glancing back and forth between his mother and Lana.

"Brooke, why don't you take Carlos now? That way I can console him after he's been traumatized by you."

Carlos' eyes widened at Lana's words, but James smiled and kissed his cheek. "Don't worry, I'll be here when you're done. Remember—I had to face a police officer with a gun."

Brooke stood up. "Come on, Carlos. I'll try to be gentle."

She walked out of the room, James shaking his head. "She's joking, you'll be fine. Just don't let her walk all over you."

"Kiss me for luck?"

"Gladly," James smiled, tilting Carlos' chin up for a soft kiss that surprised him by turning into more, leading him to draw it out as some of the original attraction surfaced in him and suddenly he wished they were alone now so he could explore that further. When he pulled back, Carlos licked his lips.

"Wow. Maybe I have a shot at this after all."

"Don't doubt that I love you, Carlos."

In a slight daze, Carlos made his way to the living room, where Brooke sat waiting with a smile. "It's okay, Carlos, I'm not a total bitch. Well, I am, but you're not an enemy so we're fine. Sit."

Taking the chair across from her, Carlos linked his fingers together and sat up straight. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you love my son?"

"Yes. He's amazing."

"He says the two of you have a lot of fun together."

"Always. That's what we do best, have fun. And dance," Carlos grinned. "He's a great dancer."

"That's wonderful, but life isn't all fun and games. Do you two have what it takes to stick it out through the bad times, too?"

"I know James will be there for me when I need him. He loves to make me smile, he told me that."

"My son has a big heart. Sometimes it gets him in trouble. How do I know you won't break it?"

"Mrs. Diamond, I would never intentionally break anyone's heart. Especially not James'. He's been so wonderful to me and I never thought I'd have a chance with anyone as amazing as him. He deserves to be loved and I will love him forever if he marries me."

"And if he doesn't? If he goes with Kendall? Wouldn't that be hard on you, to see the two of them together and know it could've been you but wasn't?"

For that, Carlos didn't have an answer ready. His face fell as he stared at his feet, chest heaving slightly.

"I'm not trying to upset you. James has already told me he's afraid to lose you when this is over, and I want to know if that's a possibility. Would you still be willing to befriend him if he marries Kendall?"

"I don't want to lose either of them," Carlos replied softly. "But I think it's going to happen no matter what at this point. Either I lose him or Kendall, and what's meant to be will be. I do love James, though, and I would spend my life proving it to him."

"Carlos...I'm going to be honest. I don't mean to hurt you, but this is a big decision and you need to think it over before taking that step." Brooke leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees. "James is used to a fast-paced life and being in the spotlight. Right now he's enjoying some time for himself, but he'll get bored with it in a few months and start to crave that spotlight again. When he does, you won't see much of him."

"He said he wanted to cut back on the modeling."

"He doesn't know what he wants. The idea of settling down is nice for the moment, but it won't last. He convinced himself he was ready to be a father, for God's sake! I'm so glad that didn't pan out, because he would've realized too late what a mistake it is. I'm not saying you're a mistake or that you two won't be happy together, but I want you to understand that if you're looking for someone who's going to be home with you every night, James isn't that man."

"I'm used to being alone, Mrs. Diamond. Even if he was gone a lot, I'd have him sometimes. That's more than what I have now. And I'm so busy with my restaurants anyway that it wouldn't be a big deal."

"What about your family? Do they approve of James?"

"Heck yeah. They love him. Even Chachi loves him, and I told you what a little bitch he is."

"Dogs are good judges of character."

"My dad says the same thing," Carlos grinned.

"Well, it's the truth. My dog hates James' father." She stood up. "Thank you for speaking frankly with me."

"Wait, that's it? You're letting me off the hook?"

"I know everything I need to know, Carlos. I'll send Lana in."

"Okay."

Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Carlos leaned back in the chair. James suddenly rushed into the room, stopping to kneel in front of Carlos and hold his hands. "Hey. You doing okay?"

"I'm fine," Carlos laughed. "She was actually nice. Sort of."

"Good. I asked her not to scare you away."

"She didn't. She told me some things I should watch out for, but I don't see them as problems."

"Oh shit. What did she say?"

"Nothing that changes my mind, don't worry," Carlos smiled, leaning in for a kiss. James met it and drew it out, once again wishing they were alone.

"Okay break it up, break it up, my turn."

They pulled apart when Lana entered the room, James standing. "You'll be fine. Lana's nice."

"I know that already." Carlos squeezed James' hand, and then he was gone. "Hi."

"Hello, Carlos." Taking the chair Brooke had vacated, Lana gave him a smile. "James really likes you a lot."

"Yeah, he's pretty amazing. I don't know what I did to deserve a guy like that."

"Tell me what you like so much about him."

"Well, he's...I don't even know how to describe it. He's given me everything I asked for, without me even having to ask."

Lana quirked an eyebrow. "Everything?"

"Well...okay. No. Not everything. But close. It's not just that, though, I love him for more than what he gives me. He makes me feel special."

"Is that new for you?"

"It is. Most guys I meet don't do that for me."

"Can I ask you a personal question, Carlos?"

"I guess." Nervous again, Carlos fidgeted slightly.

"Have you been with a lot of men?"

"Um. Do you mean sexually?"

"Let me rephrase it. I was talking more boyfriends, serious relationships."

"I've had quite a few boyfriends, but only one that was serious, I guess."

"And did they make you feel special?"

"Not like James does."

She nodded, considering that. "James is extremely generous with those he loves. He can make you feel like the best thing to ever happen to him."

"Yeah! He totally does that for me."

"He does that for me, too. Of course mostly we bicker, but he never fails to make me feel appreciated and special." She let that settle before asking, "And you are sexually attracted to him?"

"Hello, have you seen him? I don't know if you're straight or what, but anyone would have to be crazy to not be turned on by that."

Lana laughed, agreeing, though she said, "I have to admit, my sexual attraction to him never went anywhere. I think it lasted all of two days before I started to see him like a little brother. I have a family, but otherwise no one special in my life, and right now he's basically my main concern. I take care of him. I'd like to know he'll be taken care of with his husband, that he's marrying someone I can trust to look out for him. He forgets to eat sometimes, he doesn't get enough sleep, he overworks himself...he needs someone who will stand up to him when he argues about that sort of thing. Because he will. He'll fight you on it, and you have to be willing to put your foot down and force him to take care of himself."

Carlos' face fell a bit as he realized that in that area, Logan or Kendall would be a better fit. But Logan was gone, James had sent him home, and that left only Kendall. "I...can do that."

"I'm not exaggerating, Carlos. James can be a diva when he throws a fit. Are you prepared to take him down a few pegs and remind him he's only human like everyone else?"

"I think so. We've never really argued, so I don't know how I would react if he started yelling at me."

"Sadly, that's a given. I'm not trying to scare you away, I just want you to be aware of what you're getting into. You two have been in a situation where you're cushioned from the world, but the world will crowd into your lives once this is over. I'd like to know he's chosen someone who can withstand all the bullshit, who can stay strong with him and be there for him when life gets him down."

"I wouldn't leave his side."

"I know that. I'm not saying you would. I just caution you to realize that with James, life won't be as easy as it's been so far. There will be rough days."

"I know."

"Okay. Overall, I think you're wonderful. And he truly does care deeply for you."

Carlos nodded, standing when she did.

"It's been such a pleasure to meet you, sweetie."

"Thanks. You, too." Carlos shook her hand. "I hope that no matter what happens, I'll be seeing you again someday."

"Yeah, about that. James said you all want to keep in touch when this is over? How would you feel seeing James with Kendall?"

"As long as I know Kendall loves James, I'll be happy. I want them both to be happy, and if it's with each other...I'll live with it."

"I know you're not supposed to talk about the other contestant, and it's in poor taste of me to ask this, but I'd like your opinion. What's Kendall like? I'm going to ask him about you, too, because you can tell a lot about a person by the way they view their enemies."

"Kendall's not my enemy," Carlos smiled. "He's my friend."

"Isn't that hard? You can't tell me there won't be _some_ hard feelings if James chooses him."

"If there are any hard feelings between us, it won't be because of James. But Kendall...I don't even know where to begin. He would take care of James. I can promise you that much. He's good at that."

"Thank you for being honest with me. Whatever happens after this, I hope you find love. Either with James or someone else, because you have a heart of gold and you deserve to be happy."

"Thanks," Carlos grinned, suddenly surprising her with a hug. "I hope you find love, too."

She laughed, waving a hand. "I'm not worried about me."

"Not right now, but once James is married off, you can focus on yourself. There are some hot guys in this world, you know."

"Yeah yeah. Let's go have some pie."

* * *

><p>James kissed Carlos goodbye at the car, pulling back after a few seconds. "What's wrong? I thought it went well?"<p>

"It did," Carlos replied. "They were both nice, and I like Lana a lot."

"She's awesome. I don't know where I'd be without her. I certainly would never have met you."

"Then she's one of my favorite people," Carlos grinned.

"So what's the matter? You seem...too quiet."

"Just a lot to think about, you know? This is a big step for us, James."

"I'm highly aware of that."

"So what's left? I see you one more time before the proposal?"

"Yes," James nodded, suddenly serious. "We've got tomorrow. Anything in particular you want to do in Australia?"

Carlos was quiet for a moment, then his gaze bored into James'. "Surprise me," he said softly.

The effect was instant, James jolting as the torment had him almost physically ill.

"You do still love Logan."

James turned away, angry. "Carlos, I'm not perfect. I'd be the same way if it was you that was suddenly gone. I have strong feelings for all of you."

"How can you marry me if you still love Logan?"

"I love you, too! Obviously it wasn't meant to be with Logan, okay? If it was, he'd still be here. Think about that. What matters now is my future, not my past. You are my future."

"Or Kendall is."

"Yes, or Kendall. I'm sorry, that's how this works. It's hard enough making this decision, don't hate me for it. I have to follow my heart."

"I know, James. I know. I just don't want to lose you guys." Tears were suddenly at the surface. "I've never felt like this, never had friends like you guys. I don't want to lose any of you."

James was suddenly crying, too, the whole thing too much as he hated himself for once again breaking down. He pulled Carlos into his arms and they cried together, Carlos' tears staining James' shirt as he shook in James' arms. "I don't know if I'll ever see Kendall or Logan again."

"I can't imagine Kendall abandoning you, Carlos. Remember how he was with you in that cave? He cares so much about you. I think even if I choose him, he'll insist on seeing you again. And I'm perfectly fine with that."

"Promise?"

"Swear. You're not leaving my life by _my_ choice. I only hope that if I don't choose you, you can forgive me."

"As long as we stay friends, I'll be okay. Just promise me that, James."

"I do. I promise." James kissed Carlos' forehead, holding him tight. "We're gonna make it through this."

"I know I'll be friends with Logan, it's you and Kendall I'm worried about losing."

"You won't lose me. And I honestly can't believe Kendall would abandon you."

"But you and Logan?"

James closed his eyes and let out a sigh. "No, Carlos. I'm sorry. Not me and Logan."

"But what about Caroline? You can't just never see her again, Logan said she loved you."

The tears hit again, James stepping back to face the house. "It was one day. She'll forget about me soon enough."

"Dude, I'm so sorry. I know you loved him."

"It wasn't meant to be." Wiping his face, James spun back around. "Okay. Go on. I'll see you tomorrow."

Carlos opened the door. "So uh...is Kendall coming here today?"

"Yeah. I get dinner with him."

"Tell him I miss him?"

James smiled. "Will do. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Hang in there."

"You, too." James waved as the car was driven away, and once it was gone Rich lowered the camera to be the shoulder James needed yet again.

* * *

><p>"Oh, honey," Lana said the moment James walked in, face streaked with dried tears.<p>

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. What happened?"

"He started talking about Logan and Caroline. When will the fucking pain go away, Lana? When?"

"It's been a few days, you have to give yourself time to heal."

"I don't have time! I have to propose to one of them in three days! Three fucking days, when I can't even hear Logan's name without becoming a fucking mess!"

"James...I'm not sure you should propose to either of them if you don't love them."

"I do love them. And I'm not living my life alone anymore, I'm done with that."

"Will you just listen to me for-"

"No! Fuck Logan! He left me, he doesn't think I'm good enough, and I don't care if he's right. It still hurts and I still want to go beg him to change his mind and I hate him, I hate him for making me so weak I would fall to my knees and beg for him. Why does he have to be so perfect?"

Lana held him as he cried, finally truly letting go for the first time. He'd cried, but nothing like this, and even his mother came into the room to see if she could help. Lana lifted a hand, telling Brooke to stay back, and when she caught Rich's eye she was pleased to see the camera was off. No one should see James like this.

By the time James started to regain control they were both on floor, Lana rocking him like a child, and his mother had brought him a wet washcloth for his face.

"Sweetheart, I don't mean to sound bitchy but the next one will be here in about thirty minutes. You can't let him see you like this."

It had been years since his mother had called him 'sweetheart.' He nodded, sitting up and wiping his face. "I need fifteen minutes. I'm going to shower and change, please handle getting dinner ready?"

"Go on." Lana steered him toward the hallway, sighing once he'd gone. "Rich. I don't care how impartial you are. What the hell happened between him and Logan?"

"They got into a fight because James wanted to make decisions about Caroline's life. He wanted to be a true father to her."

"And Logan had a problem with that?"

"Yeah. He's still kind of hung up on the dead wife. He loves James, there's no question of that, but he isn't ready to let someone else raise his child. I don't think it hit him until that night just how much James was going to be a part of _her_ life. If that makes sense."

"Is there still a chance? If James went to him?"

"He's gone. And it was his choice to leave. He's obviously not ready to move on."

"Damn. I wish I could get five minutes with this guy. I've never seen James like this."

"I watched James with twenty-five guys. No one affects him like Logan does."

"Not even Kendall?"

"In the beginning, he was into Kendall. He kept talking about how he couldn't believe he had a chance to marry Kendall Knight. But then things changed. Probably the first time he kissed Logan. It was explosive."

"Tell me the truth. Will Kendall make him happy?"

"Once he lets go of Logan, yes. That's what he needs to do."

"And Kendall loves him?"

"I...think so. I can't read him as well as I read James, of course, I've only been around him when James was. He seems to, but..."

"What?"

"I don't know. There's something there, like he's holding back. But so is James."

"That's what James said, he felt Kendall wasn't completely devoted to him. But he also said that's changed. Has it?"

"Possibly. Their last date went well, they were definitely into each other. Except for the fact that James would rather it had been Logan. I think he's distracting himself with Kendall. But again, Logan's an idiot and Kendall can make James happy eventually. So Kendall's got my vote."

"Right. Okay. Thank you."

"No problem. This may be just a job to me, but I've spent pretty much every day with James and he's like a brother to me. I want to see him happy."

"Same here. I need to know he's taken care of. Will Kendall be able to do that?"

"Not as well as Logan would've, but...yeah. It'll work."

Lana sighed. "Okay. Let me know when James is out of the shower?" Rich nodded, and she went to help Brooke set the table for dinner.

* * *

><p>James emerged looking like new other than blood-shot eyes. Rich tossed him some Visine and he was good. "I feel so much better."<p>

"Crying helps. Manly or not."

"I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. Not even when my dad left."

"Love will do that to you, buddy."

"I'm good now. I feel it, I'm ready to move on. How long before Kendall shows up?"

"About ten minutes. The women are in the kitchen."

"Cool, I want to ask them about Carlos. And hey. Thanks for not filming that."

"No problem, buddy. You're just lucky it happened while the other guys were out grabbing some food. They're back now, though."

"That's fine, I'm ready. Camera on."

"You sure?"

"The show must go on, Rich. That's rule number one in television." When they reached the kitchen, James clapped his hands together. "Okay, ladies, opinions on Carlos?"

Brooke smiled over at James. "You look better. And I adore Carlos. He's precious."

"Awesome."

"But you're not going to marry him."

James sat down at the table. "Excuse me?"

"He's not what you need, James. You two are brothers, just like I thought."

"Mom, come on. Lana, tell her."

Lana bit her lip, then sighed. "James...I'm afraid she's right. He's wonderful, and I can see why you have strong feelings for him, but I don't think what you're feeling is love. At least not the marrying kind of love. I'm sorry."

"Really? You both feel that way?"

"Look, James," Lana started, sitting down and laying her hand over hers. "I've known you for almost ten years. I've seen you date, I've seen you sleep with countless men and women, and the fact that you didn't sleep with Carlos when you had the chance tells me a lot."

"I couldn't. I couldn't do it to Logan. But he's gone now, and I'm totally ready to sleep with Carlos now."

"What about Kendall? Would you have slept with him if Logan was still there?"

"Honestly? I don't think so. It's all Logan. With him gone, my head is on straight. When I kissed Carlos earlier, I felt it again, that attraction I used to have for him. He's not just a brother to me."

"Honey...are you sure you haven't kept him around this long because you couldn't bear to say goodbye? Because you were afraid of losing him for good?"

James stared at Lana, hating her for asking these questions he didn't want to think about. "I love him," he repeated.

"No one's questioning that, James," Brooke soothed. "But no one would willingly blame you for not wanting to break that boy's heart. Or wanting to keep him around. But that doesn't mean he's what you need in a husband. I think he makes a good friend for you, but I don't see you lasting with him as more than that. Use your head, son."

James shook it instead. "Fine. Whatever. Maybe you'll like Kendall better."

"I'm pretty excited to meet him," Lana smiled. "I might be suffering a little idol worship myself here. And the guy's so hot."

"Back off," James warned with a grin. "He's mine. And he's gay. You have no chance."

"I can still look," she winked. "And I think he's here."

Kendall smiled as he stepped out of the car, greeting James with a kiss that almost had them on the ground as he dipped James back.

"Damn," James grinned. "Nice to see you, too."

"Wanted to make a good impression on your family. Where are they?"

"Inside. How are you?"

"Fine. A little upset with you, but I'm over it."

"Upset with me? Why?"

"You could've told me Logan was gone."

"Oh. Yeah. You know I'm not supposed to say anything."

"James, come on. I'm not mad, really, since now I have you for myself, but it would've been nice to know."

"There's still Carlos. You don't have a lock on this, Kendall."

"Yeah, we're not talking about Carlos today. Just you and me, right?"

James nodded. "Please. And I'm sorry, I know why you're pissed, but what matters is that he's gone and it's all about us now."

"Exactly. And is it just me, or was the sex amazing?"

"Mmm. No, that's not just you."

"Good." Kendall kissed James again, smacking him one on his lips, then took his hand as they approached the house. "So are they going to go easy on me?"

"I doubt it. But you'll be happy to know they weren't horrible to Carlos. I only say that because I know you worry about him, and...okay, wait." James stopped their momentum, placing a hand on Kendall's stomach and turning to face him. "Let's just get this out of the way, and then no more talk of Carlos or Logan. Deal?"

"Yes. What is there to say now?"

"A few things. Carlos asked me to tell you he misses you."

Kendall's gaze went to the ground. "Anything else?"

"No, that's all he asked me to pass on, but he's scared, Kendall. He's terrified he's going to lose you. Both of us, really. I reassured him about me, but he has this fear that he'll never see you again. I'm telling you right now that if we get married, I won't have a problem with you two being friends. We can totally hang out, it won't bother me." Kendall didn't answer, and James added, "That's not the case with Logan."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"No. It didn't work out for us, but I'm sure it's no surprise to you that I still have feelings for him."

"No, I'm aware of that."

"If that's a problem, we need to talk about it now."

"It's not, I mean it probably should be, but in a weird way that I can't explain, I'm actually okay with it. I know how much he meant to you and that if it wasn't for Caroline, you two would probably have ended up together. Am I right about that?"

James let out a breath, then nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Honesty is important, and I'm glad you can be up front with me. Having said that, I don't like the idea of my husband being around a man he still has feelings for. I still plan to keep in touch with Logan and be his friend, but I'm perfectly fine with you two not interacting at all. Because I'm sure he's still in love with you, too, and it probably killed him when you sent him home."

James bit his lip.

"And I'm perfectly aware that our night in that hotel room was about you trying to forget the pain for a while."

"I'm sorry," James whispered.

"I'm over it. I understand. But what I'm hoping is that we can move on now, forget about the past, and look forward to a future where we can be happy with each other. I think we have something here, James. It would be a waste for us to not pursue it."

"You're pretty amazing, you know that?"

Kendall smiled. "I've been told that before."

"I won't lie, it hurts. A lot. But I'm moving on. If you can be patient with me, I will do my best to make you not regret taking a chance on me."

"That's all I ask. And the same from you. Be patient with me."

"Okay. Deal."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Let's do this."

Hand in hand, they went to face the women.

* * *

><p>The interrogations took place before the meal this time. A few minutes were spent all together, Lana fangirling slightly over Kendall, who made her swoon when he kissed her cheek. James rolled his eyes but Kendall ate it up. Brooke appraised him, not making a comment but greeting him warmly. James knew her well enough to know she had made her choice.<p>

"I'm going first this time," Lana said, dragging Kendall out of the kitchen.

"Hey! Remember what I said, he's mine!" James called out.

"Not if I can make him switch sides!" she yelled, and Kendall was laughing as she gestured him to a chair. "I'm just kidding, by the way. I mean, you're gorgeous and if you were straight, all bets would be off, but...you're not, and James loves you, and what I care most about is his happiness."

"I'm glad to hear that," Kendall smiled.

"I assume it's the same for you? James' happiness is what's most important to you?"

"I want him to be happy, yes, and I hope I can be the one to do that for him."

"Why wouldn't you be the one?"

Kendall shrugged. "I'm sure he's told you about Logan?"

"Yes," she said cautiously.

"I know he loves Logan. It just wasn't meant to work out for them, and he's accepted that. It's not going to be easy for him right now, but he knows it and he'll move on from it."

"So...it doesn't bother you that the man you're going to marry is in love with someone else?"

"He's in love with me, too."

"Okay, sure, but let's be honest here. How does that not bother you?"

"I've been where he is. It's hard to love someone and accept that he isn't the one you're meant to be with, but it gets easier and you move on."

"Are we talking a past boyfriend? Michael?"

Kendall blinked in surprise. "He told you about us?"

"Yeah. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine, I'm just surprised."

"Not as surprised as I was when I found out you two had been together. Especially since he's now engaged to a woman."

"Engaged to a—what?"

"Yeah, it was all over the news a few weeks back. Oh, that's right, you guys are isolated there. I'm sorry, but...yeah. Michael's engaged to a woman."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's not gonna last. He loves dick too much. Uh. Sorry. That was crude."

"Do you still have feelings for him, Kendall?"

"Honestly, there will always be a small part of me that loves him. I've moved on, though, and now I know what real love feels like. We were in love, but not...it's not that all-consuming thing that you can't live without. I know the difference now."

"That's good. Because it's odd that you're so accepting of James being in love with another man."

"Like I said, I've been there. You accept it and move on."

"Okay...one of my concerns with you is that James mentioned you didn't like him in the beginning. Why was that?"

"I stereotyped him," Kendall cringed. "I'm not proud of it, and I learned my lesson. I had this image of him that turned out to be wrong. Though you have to admit, he comes off differently in the media."

"He definitely does, I can see that. But when did it change?"

"On our first date. I fell for him that night. He was everything I'd always wanted in a boyfriend."

Lana smiled, very pleased with that answer. "Alright, he also mentioned that your...focus...wasn't where it should be."

Kendall looked down, blushing. "Yeah, that...I know this probably doesn't make sense, but I've spent most of my life taking care of my mom and sister, and it's extended to other people I feel close to. I formed a bond with two of the other contestants, and I was overly concerned with their welfare. I didn't want to see them get their hearts broken."

"Carlos and Logan."

"Yes. They're both special to me."

"That's fine, you're allowed to care for your friends. But Kendall, your husband has to come first."

"I know that. It's hard, you spend every waking moment with the other contestants and only a fraction of that with James. It's natural that you get closer to them in the beginning. I can't help caring."

"But now that's changed?"

"James is my concern now, and myself. He kept telling me I had to think about what I wanted instead of what they wanted. He was right. I almost lost James over it and I'm grateful he gave me another chance."

"He seems to love you very much."

Kendall smiled. "That's good, because I love him, too."

"And if you remain friends with the other two? You'll still be able to put James first?"

For the first time, Kendall hesitated. It wasn't lost on Lana.

"Kendall, if you aren't in this one hundred percent, now is the time to face that."

"I am. I'm totally committed."

"To James."

"To James," he agreed.

"Because if you break his heart more than it's already been broken, so help me God I'll hunt you down and kill you."

Surprisingly, Kendall laughed.

"That's funny?"

"Only because you sound just like my sister and my mother. Which makes me love you."

"Oh. Well, then. But I mean it."

"I know. I won't break his heart. I know it killed him to let Logan go. But he was smart enough to realize it wasn't meant to be, and I respect that. It's not an easy choice to make."

Lana looked as if she wanted to say something, then changed her mind. "Okay. I guess that's about all I have to say. Make him happy, Kendall."

"I intend to."

"You ready for Brooke?"

"Not even remotely."

Grinning, Lana stood up. "If you can handle your mom and sister, you can probably handle her. James says you've got a mouth on you."

"Well, he would know," Kendall smirked.

"Oh, that's another thing. He said the sex was great. That's important in a marriage. Or so I hear."

"The sex is definitely not something we have to worry about."

"Good. Okay. Hang tight."

The moment Lana was gone, Kendall let out a deep breath as if he'd been holding it. He rubbed a hand over his face, then remembered there were cameras on him. _Great. Now they'll see that I wasn't Mr. Cool. Oh well, what matters is what James thinks._

"Kendall Knight," Brooke announced loudly as she walked in.

"Yes, ma'am." He stood, clearing his throat.

"What are your intentions toward my son?"

"To love him and take care of him."

"Sold. Welcome to the family."

Kendall gaped. "You're...joking, right?"

"Not at all. I choose you. Whether my son will be smart enough to do the same I can't be sure of, but relax and know that you are my choice."

"Okay. Wow. Thank you."

"Do you have any questions for me? Perhaps want to hear about what a little diva he can be?"

Laughing, Kendall said, "No, I think I know him pretty well by now."

"Excellent. We had a late lunch, but there's plenty of food in there and we can stuff our faces more. Come join me." She held out her arm and Kendall took it, leading her back to the kitchen.

James stood up, a confused expression on his face. "You're done?"

"I'm done. Kendall has my approval."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. Thank you," she smiled as Kendall held her chair out and scooted it in for her.

"Okay, then..." James was about to sit when Lana grabbed his arm.

"Come talk with me for a minute. We'll be right back, guys."

Rich following James as always, and the three of them moved into the living room.

"What's wrong? Did he do okay?"

"He did fine, James. Your mother decided before he even showed up he was the one, remember?"

"Yeah, but how did he do with you?"

"Honestly? I think it's gonna work. He's aware of his shortcomings and his mistakes and he's determined to work on them. What's more important is that he's aware of yours; he knows you're not perfect and he loves you anyway. Carlos, on the other hand, idolizes you. When you show him that you're not perfect, that could shatter his ideal image of you."

"We argued for the first time today. I never imagined I'd ever fight with Carlos."

"What was it about?"

"I told you. Logan."

"Who you said was perfect."

"I didn't say he's perfect, I meant he's perfect for _me_. And can we stop now? I've moved on."

"Have you?"

"Yes, Lana. I got it out of my system. Kendall is the one I'm going with. Shit. Rich, strike that."

"Done."

"But what about Carlos? You said he still had a chance."

"I don't know anymore. About any of this, really. Fuck, why is this so hard? When I'm with Carlos I want him, when I'm with Kendall I want him."

"And when you're with Logan?"

"That's a stupid question. Why would you even say that?"

"Because I think that no matter who you're with, you want Logan."

James sighed. "You know, I think I'd be over him by now if you all weren't shoving him in my face every five seconds."

"James. Think about it. Do you really want to marry a man when your heart belongs to someone else?"

"I'm doing this, Lana. I'm ready to be married. It's going to happen."

"Okay. Kendall has promised not to break your heart. Just remember that by choosing him, you break Carlos'."

"I know that, alright? Do you think that's not killing me?"

"What I'm afraid of is that you won't be able to do it. That you'll stand before him and he'll look up at you with those big brown eyes and you'll cave because you know Kendall will get over it and you think Carlos won't."

"Carlos said he'd understand if I don't choose him."

"I'm sure he will, but he'll still be devastated."

"I know."

"I don't envy you, James. They're both amazing guys."

"I know," James repeated. "I don't want to hurt either of them."

"But you have to. When you're standing there in that final moment, your heart will tell you what to do."

"Kendall's mom told me the same thing. Of course then, I thought it would be Logan."

"Promise me you'll follow your heart, James. Promise me that no matter who you end up hurting, you'll do what feels right for you."

"I just wish..."

"What?" Lana laid a hand on James' arm, encouraging him to go on.

"I just wish I had it in me to be a father. I wish he hadn't left. I wish for so many things. That little girl...she wanted me to promise her I'd come back. She made me promise, and I couldn't, because I was so afraid Logan would do this. I knew he would do it when the stakes got too high. He was scared. And I was, too. But I was willing to try."

"What if he were to change his mind? Maybe there's a way you could get in touch with him and-"

"It wouldn't matter. He's not willing to let me in, to let me be the kind of father I know I need to be. The fact that we love each other isn't enough. I thought it was, but...it's not. With Kendall it is." He shrugged. "Kendall feels right."

"Okay, then. As long as I'm your best man."

James' stomach dropped as he realized Logan would've been Kendall's. "You might not be alone, Kendall may pick his sister to be his."

"Then that's perfect," Lana grinned. "Come on, let me go stare at him some more before he has to leave."

Shaking his head, James followed her back into the kitchen, where Brooke was practically fawning over Kendall. "Disgusting," James remarked.

"Oh hush, let me adore your future husband."

"Mother, I told you, the decision hasn't been made." James sat down next to Kendall, who grabbed his hand and smiled.

"Whatever you decide, you're not losing me. Okay?"

"Even if I decided to go with Carlos?"

"You're not losing me," was all Kendall said.

"Okay." He kissed Kendall's palm before Kendall slid it up over his cheek, rubbing a thumb against James' lips.

"We'll be good for each other, James."

James closed his eyes. "I know we will."

The atmosphere was relaxed from that point on, Kendall fitting in well with the family, and James thought he could live happily like this for the rest of his life, and he was one step closer to peace.

Still, though, when he closed his eyes that night, Logan was a ghost around him and inside him, and for the first time in years, he prayed to a god he hadn't truly acknowledged since childhood. "I know we haven't talked in a while," he whispered in the dark, "but I don't know who else to talk to. Please, God. Make the pain stop. I just want to forget."

For a few brief minutes, he was able to, and he fell into sleep exhausted. What he couldn't control was his subconscious, and his lips curved into a smile when a dream played out featuring Caroline's excitement upon receiving her pony. He watched through a crystal ball that someone had provided, and though his heart was filled with joy at hearing her call it Diamond, James could only look in from the outside as Logan watched her ride it around the track with a shadowy figure standing behind him and holding him close. He woke with tears on his face and hated himself once more for not being good enough to be that shadowy figure who could give her what she needed.


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

I hadn't planned to update until tomorrow, but this chapter went a lot faster than I thought it would. Next one will be a few days, most likely. It will be the hardest to write. Well, except maybe for Logan's exit. That one damn near killed me. And of course "Intermission" comes on as soon as I type that and I'm ready to cry again.

We are in the home stretch, guys. I never imagined that I'd end up writing a story that was 500+ pages long, or that it would be this intense. This chapter takes us up to the day of the final proposal/episode. Those who have stuck with me this far, thank you. I hope that no matter who ends up "winning" (I use the term loosely), you will be happy with the outcome. Either way, thank you for reading as far as you did.

Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Carlos had been told to be ready bright and early, but that was proving difficult after another sleepless night. He kept telling himself it would be over in a few more days, that he could go home soon and crawl into bed with the boys. Maybe Mom would even bring over a pot of posole for him to drown his sorrows in.<p>

Carlos wasn't deluding himself into thinking James would propose. There was no way he could begin to compete with someone as amazing as Kendall. From the start Kendall had been the favorite and Carlos had somewhat accepted that he would go before Kendall, and it hadn't bothered him too much at the time. Then things had shifted and Logan had stolen James' heart, and Carlos was even okay with that. He'd grown closer to Kendall and found in him someone he couldn't imagine living without.

But then Logan was gone and everything changed. Once Carlos realized he had a chance, he wasn't sure how to feel. He tried to keep in mind that James had chosen him over Logan, even though James still had feelings for Logan, but that only went so far until he remembered his competition was Kendall.

And who in his right mind would choose him over_ Kendall_?

Kendall was...there were no words to describe Kendall. He was sweet, funny, knew how to have fun and take a joke, was the world's best cuddler, and the one who was able to make Carlos feel safe in a way no one else ever had. Plus, his body was insane once he let go, and his kisses...wow. Again. No words.

Kendall was also going to marry James.

When that finally sank in, Carlos' sanity started to slip. He'd realized it fully the night before, after returning from his visit with James' family, and a pain so great gripped his heart that he'd laid there shaking. How the hell was he supposed to watch Kendall marry someone else? And why had it taken him this fucking long to understand that it wasn't okay, that what he wanted most, even more than "perfect" James, was to be the one Kendall loved?

He'd been aware of his attraction to Kendall, hadn't been able to ignore it after the nightclub and their secret kiss, but he'd been so blinded by James that he'd failed to look at Kendall as anything more than the perfect friend.

And now it was too late. Kendall was going to marry James, and could Carlos really blame him? Who would choose him over James?

Kendall and James were right for each other. Everyone could see that, even Logan probably. He had to let them both go and learn to be their friends, which wouldn't be too hard, really. He was already a friend to both of them.

Still, today would be his last adventure with James before he officially belonged to Kendall, and Kendall to him. Carlos was going to enjoy it.

And when this was all over, Chachi and the boys were waiting for him. Maybe he'd even be able to call up Logan and they could cry together. He was still looking forward to meeting Caroline one day.

_Just get through today, and when he tells you he didn't pick you, grin and bear it. He promised to remain your friend. One thing about James, he always comes through as a friend._

Rolling out of bed, Carlos trudged to the shower and prepared to have fun.

* * *

><p>James was waiting at the beach, looking like just a normal guy in a t-shirt and swim trunks; that was how Carlos liked him best. "Hey, buddy!"<p>

"Carlos, what's up?" They hugged, James holding him tight before stepping back with a grin. "You ready to go surfing?"

"Oh damn, I've never done that."

"No problem, I'll teach you. Just like with the skiing."

Carlos grinned, remembering their first date. "That was a fun day, wasn't it?"

"Sure was. My snowman kicked ass."

"It was only because of that scarf that you won. Don't get a big head."

"Oh, look who's talking! You want a rematch? Sand castles?"

"You're on!"

Surfing came first, James patiently showing Carlos how to stand and balance his weight, then they took on some waves. When Carlos had swallowed enough saltwater to make him almost puke, James gave him a break and led him to the sand, where a picnic had been set up for them. They ate while taunting each other about how the other didn't stand a chance in their upcoming sand castle war, and then that contest got underway.

Rich declared Carlos the winner an hour later, James giving him the finger, but Rich stood by his opinion. "Sorry, James, his has turrets. Face it, you don't know how to build a castle."

James ignored those words and the chubby little cheeks they brought to mind. "My castle is the best. You just suck."

"Dude, give it up!" Carlos exclaimed. "I won. Now what's my prize?"

"Oh. Well...last time it was a kiss. Are we good with that again?"

Carlos licked his lips, for the first time not jumping at the chance. "Sure. A kiss sounds nice," he said anyway.

James smiled and drew him close with a hand on his shoulder, kissing him softly but studying him when they pulled apart. He said nothing, though, other than, "Ready to surf some more?"

"Yeah. How much time do we have left?"

"We've got all night. Though I'm getting up early for tomorrow, so..."

"I won't keep you up too late. Promise."

"I wasn't complaining."

"I know. But I won't."

"Okay." James stood and slipped Carlos' hand into his. "You okay?"

Making their way to the water after grabbing the board, Carlos said, "Yeah. Just a lot on my mind. I've been doing a lot of thinking, you know?"

"Yeah. I do know. Our lives are about to change, more than they already have."

"Well, mine might go back to the way it was, but...I'll never be the same after this."

Though he squeezed Carlos' hand tighter, James had no comment for that.

"Do you ever wish you could go back and do things differently?" Carlos asked as the waves reached their feet.

After a wry chuckle, James said, "All the time, Carlos. All the time."

* * *

><p>Though they were actually coached a few times to lighten the mood and make this something viewers would want to watch, dinner was more a somber affair. Maybe because they each knew it was their last time together in this capacity, or maybe because their minds were on things they couldn't change. James attempted to get Carlos laughing when he could, and it always worked, but the smile didn't last.<p>

"Carlos," James said when they'd finished dessert, "I want to tell you that meeting you is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my life. I don't know how I survived without you and though I would change a lot of things about this whole experience, my moments with you I would not."

Carlos smiled, reaching across to take James' hand in his. "Same. Except I would've slept with you in that tent."

Busting up laughing, James joked, "The night's still young. We could sow some oats here..."

Carlos grinned, but said, "Don't take this wrong, dude, but now it's my turn to say I can't."

"Wow. Seriously?"

"Seriously. I'm sorry."

"It's...actually okay. I'm just surprised. What changed?"

"It's not you. Ha, that's what you said to me."

"It was true."

"Yeah. I know. It's true now too, it's not you. It's me. I think I get it now."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just...make me one promise."

"We're still going to be friends no matter what, Carlos. That won't change."

"I know," he smiled. "Just...make him happy."

James' expression softened, fingers curling around Carlos'. "I will, Carlos. Promise."

Carlos nodded, blinking as he looked away.

Rich's voice called out, "You do realize we'll have to edit out that whole conversation?"

"I don't care," James replied. "It needed to be said."

"Don't worry, I'll act surprised tomorrow when you reject me."

"Carlos..." James looked as if it was his own heart breaking.

"It's okay. I have to be honest and tell you that even if a miracle happened and you did choose me tomorrow, I would say no."

"But why? What did I do to suddenly change your feelings for me? Is it because of Logan? I've moved on."

"It's not Logan. If it was just that, I'd marry you and make you forget him. I'm good like that."

James laughed. "And so modest."

Carlos only shrugged, eyes twinkling at James. "You probably couldn't handle all this anyway."

"Fuck, I love you. I'm gonna miss you like crazy."

"I'll be around. And when you're down, I'll make you hot dogs to cheer you up."

James nodded, chuckling through tears that had come up with the realization of what he was passing up. "Sometimes I still think I'm making a mistake by letting you go."

Shaking his head, Carlos disagreed. "Some things are meant to be. Others aren't. We're just not, James." When James couldn't bring himself to answer, Carlos said, "I think I should get back now."

"But we didn't even dance."

"You want to?"

"Please. I love dancing with you."

"Me, too."

With his trademark bright smile, Carlos stood and led James to the dance floor, and though their hearts were heavy, they laughed as they spun each other around.

"You'd better save me a dance at your wedding," Carlos threatened.

"Ha, knowing Kendall, I'll dance with you more than him anyway. That guy does not know how to loosen up."

Smirking, Carlos said, "You never know. He might surprise you one day."

"We both know that's not gonna happen."

The song ended and before Carlos could move away, James bent his head for one last kiss. It was bittersweet, the two pressing their lips together with a sense of resignation. "I do love you, Carlos."

"I know, James. It's just...not enough."

They rode back to the hotel in silence, Carlos cuddled up to James' side in the limo while James held him there.

A block away, James suddenly said. "Oh. I almost forgot." He leaned away to pick up a large gift bag.

"There's no way Fonzie could fit in there. What did you get me?"

"Sorry, I'm a horrible person, but this isn't for you. It's the stuff we bought for Caroline. I wanted to make sure she gets it."

"Oh! Of course! You're not horrible, it's fine. I promise she will, and I promise she'll know it's from both of us."

James nodded, satisfied. "Thank you, Carlos. You're the best friend a guy could ask for."

"I try," Carlos smiled.

* * *

><p>That night as he laid in bed, for the first time in his life Carlos knew the true meaning of jealousy. He'd told Kendall it was a useless emotion, and in his current situation it most definitely was. But when he saw it happening in his head, knew he'd possibly be standing right next to James when Kendall pledged his love to him, the feeling was a white hot burning in his chest.<p>

Would it have mattered if he'd realized it sooner? Would Kendall ever consider him someone worth loving that way?

Possibly. If you took James out of the picture, maybe. Because Carlos knew he couldn't compare to James, and while he didn't hate James for being amazing, he hated Kendall a little for that very same thing.

He'd been wrong all along. James wasn't the perfect one, Kendall was. How many times had James said "If I send you home, it doesn't mean you're not the right person, you're just not the right person for _me?_" Finally Carlos understood that.

Kendall was everything Carlos never knew he needed. And in two days, he was going to pledge to marry James Diamond, because James Diamond was the right person for _him_.

_So unfair. So fucking unfair. I finally figure out what I really want and I can't have it. Even worse, I had it. Just enough to know what I'm missing and suffer without it._

When he'd signed up for this, Carlos' mother had suggested that even if he didn't win the Bachelor's heart, he might find someone else to love. What she'd failed to understand is that in a game like this, not everyone ends up happy; most get sent home broken-hearted. Carlos had been prepared to lose the contest, knowing if it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn't be.

He hadn't been prepared for Kendall, though. As the jealousy and longing swarmed through him, Carlos closed his eyes and imagined Kendall's arms around him, remembered the feel of that perfect body wrapped around his, and finally he was able to sleep.

* * *

><p>Kendall was instructed to meet James for breakfast in a cafe off the lobby of the hotel. James greeted him with a smile, standing up to kiss his cheek and hug him before they were seated across from each other in a plush booth.<p>

"You look better," Kendall noted. "More rested."

"I am. Shifting my focus and ready to embrace my future. Sadly, you still look like shit."

Kendall shrugged, not offended. He wasn't sleeping well at night and knew he probably wouldn't until he was far away from Carlos. "I'll be fine once I get some coffee in me. How were you able to let go of Logan?"

James looked down into his own coffee, obviously not comfortable with the question, but he responded with, "I faced that it wasn't meant to be. You can love someone and accept that you're not right for him. That's what I had to do."

"Doesn't mean it's easy."

"No, it's not. But the truth is I love you and I can see myself being married to you and satisfied."

Kendall nodded. "I can see that, too. I think we should make that happen."

James smiled, resting his chin on his hand as he stared at Kendall. "The only thing is...I need some kind of closure with Caroline. Logan and I said goodbye, we made our peace with each other, but I never really did that with Caroline. I think I need to before I can completely move on. And I just realized that I'm doing exactly what I always asked you not to do-I'm talking about Logan on our date. I'm sorry."

"You know, it's actually okay. I get it, how hard it is to let go of something you want. I won't be quite so understanding once you propose to me, but for now we're in that messy stage where we're breaking from the old and running to the new. Do what you have to do now to let go, and when you come to me do it with a clean slate. I promise to do the same with you."

James cocked his head, studying Kendall. "You're still hung up on Michael, aren't you?"

Kendall chuckled, about to answer when their waitress approached. They decided on what they wanted to eat, James asking Rich if he wanted anything even though he'd been coached numerous times to pretend Rich wasn't even there. Rich passed, and once the waitress moved away Kendall said, "If you wanted to call Caroline and say goodbye, I would completely understand."

James' eyes were sad as he replied, "I don't think I could handle that. I'd totally break down. But..." He hesitated.

"But what?"

"There is one more thing I'd like to do for her. Just to tie up the loose ends before I can move on."

"Buy her a horse?" Kendall smirked.

"No, I took care of that last night," James grinned.

"Holy shit, James, are you serious?"

"Totally. I bought her a horse last night. And there's a castle being built and delivered to her."

"Damn. Logan's gonna kill you."

"No, he said I could do it. He knows I promised her, so he's okay with it. That was one of our big issues, me making promises I couldn't keep. So if I can, I'm determined to keep them."

"Okay. So what's left?"

"Well...I sort of hinted that I'd find the kangaroo I adopted her," James said sheepishly.

One eyebrow lifted. "You adopted her a kangaroo?"

"Yeah. She wanted to come find him and I said we could try someday. Obviously that's not going to happen, but I was hoping to at least get out there and take some pictures of actual kangaroos so I could say one of them is hers."

"James..." Kendall sighed, taking a moment to gather his thoughts while he sipped coffee. "Are you _sure_ you don't want to be a father? I know it's scary and a lot of responsibility but I can see how much you love her, and I know you love Logan. Are you sure you want to walk away from that without even giving it a chance?"

His face closed up, Kendall witnessing the wall come down over his emotions as his eyes turned to stone. "The decision's been made," James stated. "All that's left is to fulfill that last promise."

"Okay, but I think you should've given it a chance. I think you'd make one hell of a dad."

James blinked rapidly, standing up and whipping a brochure out of his pocket. "I'll be back. Look this over, and if you don't want to do it, I totally understand. It's not fair of me to ask this of you."

Kendall watched James stalk off in the direction of the restroom, frustrated that he'd pissed James off but not regretting his words. He picked up the brochure, which was for a kangaroo safari. It certainly would be interesting, and if this was what James needed to do in order to let go, Kendall could understand that and would be at his side.

If only there was some symbolic way he could let go of Carlos, too. Things between them were weird and what he wanted most, more than even to marry James, was to make sure Carlos would still be a part of his life. He had to find a way to make things right again.

When James returned, Kendall slid the brochure across the table to him. "We can totally do this today. You can take your pictures and I'll make sure Caroline gets them."

"Really? You don't mind?"

"Not at all. It's one day, and we've got the rest of our lives."

James didn't give a hint to his intentions, but he smiled.

"On one condition."

Now James was suspicious. "What?"

Kendall hesitated, eyes going to Rich, and James gestured to him.

"Guys, I'm sorry, I ate some bad food last night. I gotta run to the bathroom, give me a few minutes? And promise not to do anything too amazing while I'm gone?"

James grinned. "We'll just talk. Thanks, Rich."

When he was gone, Kendall laughed. "You know, he's a pretty cool guy."

"You have no idea," James replied. "What do you need from me?"

"Carlos' room number."

"Oh." James blinked, unsure how to take that. "Uh..."

"It's not what you're thinking. You need closure with Caroline, I need it with Carlos. I need to make things right between us."

"Kendall, what the hell is going on between you and Carlos? I'm starting to wonder if this whole time I've been overlooking something because I was too wrapped up in Logan to see it."

"Relax. I just need to give Joanie back."

"Oh. You still have that thing?"

"Yeah," Kendall blushed. "There was never an opportunity to return her. And the truth is, I don't know what's going to happen when we leave here, so I need to do it now."

"What do you mean 'make things right' between you two? Carlos said something similar, that he's afraid to lose you because things are 'weird.' What am I missing?"

"Nothing, James. It's like you with Caroline. You made her some promises you have to keep, I made Carlos the same. I promised I would give Joanie back, and I need to. I'd also like to officially say goodbye. Without a million cameras on us."

"Aren't there cameras in your rooms?"

"I think so, I just meant as opposed to our last goodbye, which was at the ceremony."

James nodded, considering that. "Okay. I'll get it for you. Say your goodbyes, I'll take the pictures of kangaroos, and tomorrow we move forward together with a clean slate."

Kendall smiled. "Deal."

The food arrived then, Rich returning a few minutes later, and after he made a quick phone call Kendall had Carlos' room number. Satisfied that they were going to get their closure, they were able to enjoy their breakfast and each other's company and look forward to a lifetime of moments like this.

* * *

><p>The safari turned out to be fun, both of them snapping countless pictures of kangaroos in the wild as well as other animals they came across on their guided ride through the Australian bush. James managed to get pictures of a few joeys as well, beaming when he imagined Caroline's face lighting up at the sight of her "actual" joey.<p>

"Kendall, you have to promise me you'll show these to her yourself. I want a report of how she reacts and everything she says. Hell, take pictures if you can. Video."

"I will do that for you," Kendall replied, hugging James to him. It crossed his mind again that James might have given up on Logan too soon, but he wasn't going to let it bother him. James knew his limits and if he wasn't ready to be a father, then it wasn't Kendall's place to push him.

After the safari they spent time off the coast, renting a boat to swim and go snorkeling. Dinner was relaxed, them deciding against the elaborate one that had been set up and choosing a small place the locals had suggested. The show's staff wasn't happy, but neither James nor Kendall really cared at this point—what were they going to do, send them home?

The subject of a sleepover was brought up, but it was more to kill the idea than to encourage it. Kendall stated he wanted to get back early enough to catch Carlos before he went to sleep, and while James never gave a reason for it, he was more than happy to oblige and return for an early night in. Again, they each knew there would be plenty of time for that later, because even though James hadn't specifically said the words, what he did say fell in line with him choosing Kendall as his winner.

James kissed Kendall goodnight at the hotel, cupping his cheek before smiling and saying, "Go make your peace, and get a good night's sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

"You do the same, get some sleep. One more day, James. We can do this."

"We can. Love you."

"Love you, too. Goodnight."

* * *

><p>It took Kendall a half hour to get up the guts to go see Carlos. He sat on his bed with Joanie in his hands, turning over a million thoughts in his mind, and in the end it always came back to the bottom line.<p>

_I can't lose Carlos._

Their kiss had been a mistake. They'd of course made it worse with the subsequent kissing, but he didn't beat himself up too badly over that. Once he'd had a taste, it was impossible not to want more. The first kiss...that had been his downfall. Nothing had been right since then, and what Kendall wanted most was for things to be right again. He'd never have Carlos the way he wanted to, but he could get back what he'd had from the start, which was an incredible friendship that he could not live without.

_No more cuddling, though. That I have to live without._

With a pang in his chest he stood up, grabbing his room key and heading to the elevator in order to go down a floor. Heart racing, he took a deep breath and knocked on Carlos' door, Joanie held behind his back.

The door opened a few seconds later, Carlos standing before him barefoot and in pajamas that had hot dogs and condiments sprinkled across the fabric. A smile slid into place, Kendall having never seen those before, and the sight of Carlos ready for bed made him ache to curl up with that body and keep it warm all night. "Hey, gorgeous," he said softly.

Carlos seemed to melt. "Hey, sexy. You're not supposed to be here."

"I know. There was something I forgot, though, and I wanted to make sure it was taken care of before tomorrow."

Eyes full of emotions Kendall couldn't identify, Carlos stepped back. "Come in for a few minutes."

Kendall did, his mind telling him it was a bad idea but his heart shoving him into the room anyway. The door closed and they stood staring at each other for a long silent minute, Carlos finally breaking it with, "So what's up?"

"Here." He brought Joanie around from behind his back, Carlos' face brightening at the sight.

"Joanie! Hey!" Taking the inflated dog, Carlos inspected her carefully. "No holes or anything, right?"

"Nope, I was careful with her."

"I thought you forgot her."

"I thought I did, too. Turns out I never unpacked her."

Kendall sensed that Carlos didn't believe that, but instead of pushing it he asked, "How was your date with James?"

"It was fun. Kangaroo safari and some time in the ocean. Yours?"

"Good. We did the beach. I kicked his ass in a sand castle contest."

Kendall laughed, heart squeezing with love for this man who never failed to make him smile. "Was he pissed?"

"Only because he lost. Mine was awesome."

"I'm sure it was. Maybe one day we can all get together and do a beach trip, once things settle down from this. Hopefully James and Logan can work out their issues and we can bring Caroline along."

"That sounds amazing, Kendall. We gotta do that."

Nodding, Kendall said, "My biggest fear is losing you. I know how awkward things were after..."

"Yeah."

"I don't want that. I want us to be friends again, to go back to what we were. No matter which of us ends up with James, I don't want our friendship to suffer for it."

"Kendall, come on. We both know he's picking you."

Kendall looked down, chewing on his lip.

"And it's okay. Some things just aren't meant to be."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I met three awesome dudes out of this. Guys I hope will be friends of mine for the rest of my life. And with that, I won't ever really be alone. It's all I need."

"Carlos, you'll find a man to love. In my opinion, James is crazy to pass you up. You've got so much to offer."

"I know." With a smile, Carlos added, "Just not enough."

"Come here," Kendall sighed, pulling Carlos into his arms and closing his eyes when Carlos stepped up against him to hold him tight. Nothing would ever feel as right as this, Carlos in his arms and needing him. He kissed Carlos' hair, then his cheek, and whispered, "You're more than enough. He's stupid not to see that."

There was no answer, but they remained like that for a long time, both of them aware that when they stepped back, it was over. Tomorrow Kendall would officially belong to James, and all of this would be a memory. "Thank you," Kendall said softly.

"For what?"

"For everything. For making this whole thing bearable. For being a friend to me when I need it. Just for...being you."

"It's what I do best," Carlos grinned, finally forcing himself to step back. He set Joanie on a nearby table. "Thank you for the same. For being there when I was scared and making me feel like I had a chance when I was sure I didn't."

"I'll always be here when you're scared, okay? I mean that. You can call me anytime. I'll be there." Hands on Carlos' shoulders, Kendall stared intently at him. "Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you. Same goes for you."

"Okay, good." Taking a breath and then letting it out, Kendall let his hands drop. "Promise me you'll get some sleep when this is over? I know you, you're not sleeping well at all."

"Sure you don't want to stay until I fall asleep? Make sure I do?"

Kendall did want that, so badly it was once again a physical ache in his chest. "I'd love to, but we can't. James-"

"Right. You're totally right, I was stupid to even-"

"No, you're not stupid. It's just-"

"It's fine. You're right, Kendall. We both know James wouldn't understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop it. Go to bed. Big day for us tomorrow."

"Right." Another deep breath, and then Kendall kissed Carlos on the cheek. "Goodnight."

"Night."

Kendall turned toward the door, his hand on the knob when it was suddenly ripped off and he was spun around and shoved up against the wall, Carlos' mouth taking possession with an intensity it hadn't before. Gasping, the shock only lasted a few seconds before Kendall lost the will to fight (as if it had been there in the first place) and kissed him back, hands dragging Carlos against his body with a moan that came from his stomach and rose up through his throat and into Carlos' mouth to leave him trembling with the need for so much more.

Carlos was hard against him, Kendall's reaction matching it and then some, and it wasn't until Carlos started grinding into him that Kendall snapped, knowing he couldn't fight that. He shoved Carlos away roughly, panting while gripping him by the forearms. "Carlos, what the fuck was that for?" he yelled.

"Because I'll never get to do it again," Carlos replied, eyes a little wild.

"Fuck." Kendall let go, once again turning away to open the door, but then he lost it completely and grabbed Carlos, this time shoving _him_ up against the wall and diving into his mouth. Carlos let out a little whiny sound that drove him insane, and his hands reached down to lift Carlos up off the ground to carry him to the bed.

"Kendall-"

"Shut up."

Carlos did then, giving in and wrapping his legs around Kendall as they kissed, neither of them able to catch their breaths. Kendall's hand found its way inside the pajama pants, his body stretched out along Carlos', and when Carlos bucked up off the bed and into the touch, Kendall thought he might pass out from the lust overpowering him. How was he supposed to fight this? How could anyone possibly fight this?

He felt Carlos trying to return the gesture, or maybe just to undress him, at this point Kendall wasn't sure what was going on, he only knew that he needed to please Carlos, he needed to show Carlos just once that he could be as amazing as James—even if only for a few minutes. He batted Carlos' hand away before returning to the task, tongue darting into Carlos' mouth with the rhythm of his hand, and it was much too soon that Carlos exploded, crying out as his fingers dug into Kendall's shoulders. Kendall pressed his face to Carlos' neck, wanting to remember this feeling forever.

"Kendall. Holy shit," Carlos whispered. His arms slid around Kendall, holding him there as if he was going to leave.

"You started it," Kendall said softly, hoping to kill the awkwardness that he knew would come next. Their first kiss had nothing on this.

"I know, I'm...fuck."

There wasn't much more to say, and as the maelstrom of feelings started to settle, melancholy slid into place to leave Kendall once again in pain.

"Please," Carlos said suddenly.

"What?"

"An hour. Just give me an hour. I swear I'll let you go after that and I won't touch you again, but I just want you to hold me for an hour. I want to fall asleep in your arms one more time. Please."

As it was exactly what Kendall wanted, he didn't argue. He slipped his hand free of Carlos' pants, wiping it on the sheet before settling down on his side and pulling Carlos back against him. "One hour."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just remember this."

"Always."

Kendall pulled the blankets up over them, wondering if he should set an alarm but then realizing he wouldn't fall asleep. He didn't want to miss a second of the next hour and this feeling that he'd never have again. He kissed Carlos' temple. "Goodnight, Carlos."

"Goodnight."

He cheated and allowed himself ninety minutes, but Carlos didn't complain. He slept solidly for an hour of their time, then spent the last half hour enjoying the feel of Kendall around him. When Kendall rose to leave, he offered no argument, knowing it was the way things had to happen. Kendall bent down for a soft kiss, Carlos closing his eyes and savoring it, and then Kendall was gone.

Carlos laid awake for a long time, Joanie in his arms. His thoughts were spinning but at the same time resigned. Tomorrow he would meet with James only to be told he wasn't good enough, and strangely that hurt less than knowing he would never get even a kiss on the cheek from Kendall again. He closed his eyes, reliving every moment of the time he'd had with Kendall since their first meeting and wishing he could do it all again.

* * *

><p>Back in his room Kendall had fallen into bed, an emptiness so profound inside him that he didn't know how he'd even manage to get out of bed the next morning. He was professing himself to a man who was worthy, who was kind and would live his life trying to make Kendall happy, and it would be a good life. He would have his career, and when it was done he would have James. That was all he'd ever wanted out of this, really—a man to love who would love him, who would take away the loneliness and help him to enjoy life. He had what he came here for. He'd won.<p>

For the first time in Kendall Knight's life, winning wasn't enough.

* * *

><p>In a house by the beach, James Diamond sat on a patio with a book in front of him. The glow from a nearby lamp lit up Logan's face on the page, those warm brown eyes staring up at him with such devotion and love that it made James' stomach cramp. Tears flowed freely as he turned the pages, saying his final goodbye to what would never be. "I love you," he whispered, a finger trailing down Logan's face as he'd been captured kissing James at the base of a statue built to spread love to all.<p>

"Always."

* * *

><p>In the hotel room directly below Kendall's, Logan Mitchell sat in a bed and flipped through pages in a scrapbook. Each picture brought with it memories of sights and sounds and feelings, echoes of James' hands ghosting over him to leave him wanting, always James left him wanting. Once he'd sated that need, and it would forever be the perfect night Logan had dreamed of with James. When he closed his eyes for sleep, that was what he always called into consciousness, the thing that soothed him and followed him into dreams where he could relive it over and over again.<p>

With that, Logan would have to be satisfied. As he stared down at a picture of James kissing him near the statue in Rio, he tasted those lips, felt the tongue so gentle in his mouth at times but so demanding at others, suffered the stretch of James inside him and owning him. No matter what happened tomorrow, he would always have that. The memories would be enough to keep him warm when loneliness left him feeling cold.

His fingers moved over the gold key in his hand, and he prayed that James had meant what he'd said about his heart. "It doesn't matter," he said softly to himself. "Because you have mine." He kissed the key, closing his eyes.

"Always."


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Thirty-four chapters later, we've made it. What a journey it's been. I have loved meeting all the new people who reviewed/said hi to me on Tumblr and of course I would be lost without those who are always here with me and encouraging me. I love you guys so much, and thank you for suffering through the heartache this story has caused.

Today James Diamond makes his final decision. He's a different man than he was when this whole thing started, and that's due to the influence of three guys (and one animal-loving little girl) who complete his life in a way he never knew was possible. I hope you're happy with the ending I've chosen, and if not, I'm sorry. This is how it was meant to be. :)

The next chapter will be the "After the Final Rose" special, and then there will be an epilogue. This chapter may leave you with questions, if so please feel free to ask for explanations, and I will respond either in a message or by having James address the question in the next chapter. Again, thank you for reading this far.

Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>James rose from his bed with a heavy heart, knowing that within a matter of hours he would lose his chance with Logan forever and was in fact choosing to do that. If Logan didn't think he was a capable father, how could he begin to believe it himself?<p>

_Logan doesn't know everything._

But that argument didn't work, because while that was true, one thing Logan_ did_ know was what his daughter needed. No one, not even James, could know that better than Logan.

_Kendall is amazing. You're lucky to have him. He's everything you've ever wanted._

That was also true. But then he'd met Logan, and discovered that what he wanted wasn't what he needed. He _needed_ Logan.

_Fuck that. I don't need him. I've got Kendall, and Kendall loves me. We're both a little broken but together we can make this work._

James showered, packed his suitcases (stowing the scrapbook in a pocket where it would be concealed and now glad he hadn't given in to the urge to toss it into the ocean), and dressed carefully in his tux.

Rich arrived when it was time. "You sure you want to do this? It's not too late to back out."

"My mind is set. Kendall will make me happy."

Rich looked as if he doubted that but said nothing. It wasn't his life.

"Got everything?"

"Almost." James moved to the safe in the dining room and retrieved the jeweler's box. "Gotta have this to propose, right?"

"Absolutely."

As they closed up the house and stepped outside, Rich said, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"If Logan showed up...realized he'd made a mistake...would that change things?"

"It's not worth thinking about."

"Just answer the question."

Sighing, James said, "I honestly don't know, Rich. He hurt me more than I can handle. I understand why, and I support his decision, but...I don't know if I'm ready to open my heart like that again."

"Yet you're proposing to a man today that you're not in love with."

"I love Kendall."

"You know what I mean. Is that really fair to him?"

"Kendall understands me. He knows what he's getting into. If he says yes, Logan isn't holding me back."

Rich nodded slowly, and they climbed into the limo.

* * *

><p>Kendall showered and shaved, wishing he had James' knowledge of cosmetics to conceal the bags under his eyes, or even the make-up to attempt it. James would most assuredly tell him he looked like shit. Oh well. The show's make-up team would fix him anyway, most likely.<p>

His body was still humming from the night before, the way it had been at the club. It knew what it needed, and no matter what he told it, it continued to scream for Carlos. Kendall had engaged in full-on sex with James, for hours at a time, and his body still preferred ten minutes of what amounted to teasing with Carlos.

What kept haunting Kendall as he dressed in his tux was something James had said in San Francisco, holding his hand as they walked through an empty amusement park.

_"I'd hate to marry you and watch you pine over some other guy for the rest of your life."_

Was it really fair to do that to James? Even if James was doing the same to him? If it was so bad that James couldn't even stand to see Logan again, that had to mean something.

_Then again, can you stand to see Carlos? After last night? What makes you think you can be alone in a room with him for five minutes and not attack him like you did last night?_

_I'll just make sure we're never alone._

But that was impossible, Kendall knew, and though Carlos' attraction would probably fade over time, his would not. He was so in love with Carlos that escape was hopeless. And though he also sensed that Carlos had feelings for him, how much of that was due to the rebound of James' rejection of him?

_You could be there for him anyway. If you're willing to let James settle, why not Carlos? You could be what he needs and maybe in time he'll grow to love you the way he loves James._

But then what of James? James was counting on him to be the white knight, to rescue him from the loneliness they both dreaded. He'd basically already said yes to James. How could he change his mind now?

_Because James deserves to find someone who can make him feel the way Logan does. You don't do that for him, and he doesn't do it for you._

Kendall still believed that James had made a mistake sending Logan home. It wasn't like Logan was going to go out and find another man anytime soon. Maybe he could talk to James, convince him to give Logan (and himself) another chance, and with time they could meet halfway. James could learn. And Logan could have a husband he loved and a father for his daughter, one who would move mountains for her.

And he could instead be Carlos' white knight.

James would be hurt for a while, no doubt, but Kendall could do it; he could talk James into going after Logan again.

For the first time since he'd kissed Carlos, Kendall began to feel peace. This entire situation was a fucked-up mess, but he was going to fix it. Starting today. Even if Carlos rejected him, he could rest with the knowledge that he'd tried instead of spending his life wondering "What if?"

They all would have that knowledge by the time he was done. Kendall knew what he had to do.

* * *

><p>Logan paced his room, impatient. He'd hardly been able to sleep the night before, nerves thrumming as he willed the time to pass faster. He just wanted this whole thing over, wanted to know either way what his future held.<p>

_That's not true, you want more. You want James to love you. Because otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life resenting Kendall for having what you walked away from. And that's not fair._

Sliding his hand into his pocket, Logan's fingers worked over the key.

_"If you take it now, it's yours forever."_

Logan had to trust in that. He had to.

Looking at his watch, he knew that right about now Carlos would be on his way to James. He'd stayed for Carlos, begged them to let him come along for the ride specifically to be there when Carlos lost the contest and fell apart. Surprisingly, they'd allowed it. As much as he hated to admit it, he now knew that Kendall had been right all those weeks ago; Carlos wasn't going to win. He wasn't what James needed.

Kendall would be good for James, and though Logan knew he would be better, he didn't deserve the chance. He'd devastated James.

Still, James had said his heart would always belong to Logan. Today would be the test, and if James chose to marry Kendall, Logan wouldn't stand in the way. He'd forfeited his claim the night he walked away.

So now all he could do was wait. It was maddening, it was the worst kind of torture he had ever lived through (as Jane had been gone before he'd had the chance to be tortured), but he would wait it out.

A knock at his door had him jolting. "Oh, thank god." He rushed to the door and opened it, a bright smile lighting up his face at the vision before him.

"Anything yet?"

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>As the limo wound up a hillside of green, Carlos' eyes were closed and scenes from the night before played through this mind. Kendall had instructed him to never forget, and Carlos had no intentions of doing that.<p>

_As if you ever could._

A smile stretched across his lips. No, he couldn't. And at this point, he didn't even want to. He had no regrets, had gotten his last moments with Kendall, and now had memories to see him through the lonely nights. Maybe he'd take lovers in the future, maybe he wouldn't. But he knew that he made Kendall crazy, and even if they weren't meant to be more than friends, at least he would always have that.

_Best friends. I have the three best friends in the world, and nothing's gonna change that. When I see Kendall and James together, I'll be happy for them. And I'll remember what Kendall's eyes look like when he's desperate. Because if nothing else, I made him want me. For a little while, I was good enough._

The limo rolled to a stop and the door was opened, Carlos stepping out to be met by a team of staff and guided through preparations for what would be his most important moment in the show. He still couldn't believe he'd made it this far. That was something to be proud of.

They touched up his appearance, reminded him that no matter what James decided he was to let James finish speaking without interruption, and wished him luck. When a man in a headset asked if he was nervous, he smiled and shook his head. "It's been a great ride."

"It's a go. James is waiting for you."

At the top of a hill, James stood in a black tux and looking gorgeous enough to take Carlos' breath away. It was a mark of how much his feelings had changed that it didn't make his heart ache to think James was rejecting him.

James smiled at him and held out a hand, and Carlos took it with a grin.

"You doing okay?" James asked.

"I am. You?"

"Gonna make it."

They laughed, and then James sobered slightly but couldn't lose the smile; Carlos had that effect on him. After taking a deep breath, he began to speak.

"Carlos. From the first words out of your mouth, you had me laughing. That night you blew me away with everything about you, and I gave you the First Impression Rose because you brought out a side of me that I didn't even know existed. Growing up I wasn't close to anyone, never really knew what it was like to relax and have fun, never understood what I'd missed out on by not having true friends. The times we shared will live in my heart forever and bring me laughter every time I think of you.

But I think it was that lack of experience with friends that was my downfall, if you want to call it that, because I confused those feelings with love. My mother and Lana both tried to tell me that, and I didn't want to hear it, because what I feared more than making a mistake was losing you. I couldn't bear the thought of sending you away. That wasn't fair to you, and what I need to do is let you go in order to find a man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved."

Carlos' eyes were sad, but there was a tiny smile at his lips anyway. James' words had touched him.

"I'm sorry, Carlos. I can't marry you."

Carlos nodded, pulling James into a hug. "I love you," he said softly.

"I know. I love you, too. Just not..."

"Yeah," Carlos finished. "Enough."

"I hope you can forgive me for keeping your hopes up."

"Of course I forgive you. What's meant to be will be."

James squeezed him tighter. "You know, some guy is going to be really lucky to have you one day."

"I know. But I'm in no hurry. I'll just watch two of my best friends get married and be excited for them."

James almost broke down then, again wondering what was wrong with him that he would pass up this incredible man, but in his heart he knew it was the right thing for both of them.

Carlos stepped back and punched James in the arm. "Go get that hockey player. Make him happy."

"I will, Carlos. I promise."

"That's all I need."

They hugged one more time, and then Carlos was led away. He looked back to see James standing alone and wished he could go back to hold his hand, but that was Kendall's job now. He'd stayed after their "overnight" date only because James had needed him, and that need was no longer there.

_Treat him right, James. That's all I ask._

The limo sailed down the hill and Carlos wondered if the hotel fridge was stocked with enough liquor to get him sloshed before the flight tonight. How else was he supposed to survive knowing the love of his life was agreeing to marry his best friend?

* * *

><p>A staff member came to collect Kendall when it was time, and he spent the limo ride planning out what he was going to say to James. He knew James would be devastated, possibly angry enough to punch him. He kept hearing James yell "We had a deal!" in his head. They had, and Kendall was going to break it, but there was no going back now. The chance to kiss Carlos again was enough to keep him on track.<p>

_At least if he breaks my nose, that'll make for great television._

He climbed out of the limo to be whisked away and prepared, and he only hoped he wasn't throwing away James' friendship in the next few minutes.

* * *

><p>Carlos had been in his room five minutes when there was a knock at his door. Lifting his head from the mini fridge, where there were indeed tiny bottles of liquor, he frowned. It couldn't be Kendall, Kendall would be on his way to James right now, if not already engaged. Maybe the staff was making him catch an earlier flight to L.A.<p>

When he opened the door to see Logan, his face went into shock.

"Hey, buddy."

"Logan! Oh my god, Logan!" Carlos picked him up and swung him around, the joy radiating in waves. "Dude, what are you doing here?"

"Thought you might need a friend."

"Aww." Carlos set him down inside the room and let the door close. "I meant what are you doing here in Australia?"

"Really," Logan replied, hands in pockets. "I thought you might need a friend. When they were going to send me back to L.A. I begged to be allowed to come with you guys so that I could be here for whoever wasn't chosen."

Carlos gaped. "And they actually said yes?"

"I know, I was shocked, too. I think they were hoping I'd go charging in and make some kind of claim on James, stir up the drama. Anything for ratings."

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Well, you _are_ wearing a tux, and...wait. Why are you in a tux? _Are_ you going charging in?" Logan bit his lip, remaining silent, and Carlos sighed. "Dude, I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and James. I know how much you loved him."

"Still do. But...I figure it's like you said. If it isn't meant to be..."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm not too upset about James rejecting me."

"No?" Gesturing toward the little bottles stacked on the fridge, Logan commented, "Looks like you were about to partake in a pretty impressive pity party."

Carlos shrugged. "Nobody _likes_ being rejected. Want to join me?"

"Not really. And you don't need that stuff, I'm here. For the moment, anyway."

"Bet you can't wait to get home to Caroline. Oh, hang on! Since you're here..."

Carlos rushed over to his suitcases, opening one and pulling out a brightly-colored bag. "Here. This is for Caroline, James and I bought it for her."

"Oh, the outfit." Logan peeked inside the bag. "James told me about it. She'll love it. Thanks, Carlos."

"No problem. Have you talked to Kendall at all since we got here?"

"No, I had to swear I wouldn't contact either of you until after the proposals. Is he doing okay?"

"I think so. We uh...talked last night."

"Really." Logan raised an eyebrow. "You two aren't supposed to."

"I know, but he had to give back Joanie."

Rolling his eyes, Logan said, "You two and that stupid dog. Did you get to say your goodbyes?"

"Oh, definitely. Do you ever wonder if James regrets it? Sending you home without giving it a chance?"

Logan grimaced, taking a seat at the small table near the bed. "He uh...well. He didn't. I left."

* * *

><p>The make-up girl had Kendall looking like a million bucks when she was done, and he thanked her. He was given last-minute instructions before being pointed to a trail that led to the top of the hill. "Good luck," they said to him, and he smiled. His stomach was full of nerves, but only because he hated the idea of hurting James.<p>

_It's for the best. You can do this. Carlos is waiting for you, even if he doesn't know it yet._

* * *

><p>Carlos fell into the chair opposite Logan. "You what?"<p>

"I left. You don't have to say it, I was an idiot. I know that."

"Are you fucking kidding me? _Are you fucking kidding me?_ Are you insane?"

"Probably. I got scared. He started talking about all these plans he had for Caroline and I just...I wasn't ready. I panicked."

"But...I don't understand. You love him, right?"

"More than I've ever loved anyone in my life, outside of my daughter."

"Holy shit, Logan. Holy shit! And now Kendall's going into this thinking...oh my god. This changes everything. We have to stop them."

"We'll do no such thing."

"Logan, come on! You can't let Kendall marry a man who's still in love with you. I mean, I knew he still had feelings for you, but he didn't even send you away! You were the moron who ruined it, and you're here now and you have to do something, you can't just-"

"I've hurt him enough, Carlos," Logan interrupted quietly, eyes on the table. "I don't deserve another chance. Kendall can make him happy, and if he chooses to marry Kendall, then he's moved on and it wasn't meant to be."

"Oh, fuck that!" Carlos stood up. "Where's the phone?"

* * *

><p>James offered him a bright smile when he reached the top, Kendall's stomach dropping. He was going to break this man's heart.<p>

"Hi, you."

"Hey," Kendall smiled, taking the hands James held out. "You good?"

"Just want this over with. You look incredible."

"Thanks, you look amazing yourself." Kendall pulled James in for a tight hug, hoping it wouldn't be their last. "We're gonna be okay, James."

"I know. Let's do this."

The hardest part would be keeping his mouth shut when James gave his speech. Kendall would rather have called the whole thing off now but that wasn't possible; there was a show to put on. He hated that James' heartbreak would be televised, but there was nothing he could do.

They were given the go and Kendall stepped back, James' hands holding his once more. He watched James take a deep breath and open his mouth, then close it. After licking his lips, James opened his mouth again, looking as if he wanted to speak, but his mouth snapped shut. The third time it happened Kendall started to say something, but James cut him off.

"Kendall."

* * *

><p>"Carlos, stop it! This has to happen! If he's going to marry Kendall, it means that what he thought he felt for me wasn't real."<p>

"You think this is just about James? There's no way in hell I'm letting Kendall get engaged to a man who doesn't love him."

"That's what I'm saying! If James is able to propose, that means he _does_ love him. And since Kendall loves him, too, then they should get married!"

"No! They shouldn't! Because Kendall thinks James sent you home and chose him over you, and that's not right."

"It won't matter in the end."

"Yes, it will! Kendall can't marry James!"

"Yes, Carlos, he can."

"No!" Carlos had finally had enough. "I won't let him!"

"You won't_ let _him? Why the hell not?"

"Because!" Carlos yelled. "I love him! I love that stupid jerkface and I think he might love me too even though he loves James more and I'm tired of being the one to always let everyone else have what I want! I love Kendall!"

From his perch on the chair, Logan blinked up at Carlos in shock. "You're in love with Kendall? Like...in_ love_?"

"Yes! We kissed and made out and I'm sorry, it was wrong and not fair to James but I couldn't help it, he's so perfect I couldn't resist him and-"

"Holy shit, Carlos." Logan was reeling. "How did I not see this coming? I mean, I had my suspicions about your feelings for each other but I never thought...you two were both so devoted to James...how did this slip past me?"

"Because of James. Because all you saw was James. And that's how it should be, it should've been the same with me and Kendall but...don't you get it? Kendall can't marry James! He needs to marry me!"

* * *

><p>"The moment you stepped out of that limo the first night, you were everything I'd always wanted. I'd watched you play hockey for years and each time you were on the screen, my eyes were glued to you. When I made it to the games, it was the same. Wherever you went, my gaze followed."<p>

Kendall couldn't help but smile at that, squeezing James' hands.

"And then I met you, and it turned out I'd been right. You really _were_ everything I'd always wanted. Getting to know you only made me love you more, but this time it wasn't just my image of you, it was the _real_ you. You, Kendall Knight, are the kind of man everyone dreams of marrying. You're perfect."

Licking his lips, Kendall forced himself to remain quiet.

"When I woke up this morning, I knew I'd be coming up here to propose to you. I can see myself married to you and living a life full of love and laughter, and I know we'd be happy together. As I climbed this hill a few minutes ago, I looked forward to finding that life, to taking that journey with you. And then you stood before me, and all that kept running through my head are words I said to you once before: I'd hate to marry you and watch you pine over some other guy for the rest of your life. That's still true, but even more important is that I can't expect you to do the same. I love you, Kendall, and I had every intention of marrying you, but your mother told me that when I stood here in the final moment, my heart would tell me what to do. She was right. I'm sorry. I can't marry you."

Kendall dropped to his knees, shoulders shaking, and immediately James did the same, a hand on Kendall's shoulder. "Kendall, I'm so sorry. I know what we said and I'm so sorry but it's _him_, I can't get him out of my head and-wait a minute. Are you _laughing?_"

And he was. Great big tears were rolling down his eyes and he was gasping for air, but Kendall was laughing, the relief so huge it left him shaking. "I'm sorry. James. I'm sorry. But I was going to say no, for the same reason, because you love Logan and I love Carlos and it's not too late, we can fix this-"

"Carlos? You're in love with...oh my god. I knew it, why didn't you just tell me? I wouldn't have gone through all this, just...Jesus Christ, Kendall. What the fuck were you thinking coming up here today?"

"Like I had a choice? I had to see this through. I was so scared you were gonna hate me, but it's not too late, I'm sure Logan still loves you, just go to him and-" James' face fell, the pain rising to the surface. "What? Don't tell me he doesn't love you, I won't believe that."

James shook his head. "He loves me. He just knows I'm not ready to be a father."

"No, it's _you_ who thinks that. Logan would've given you the chance."

James shook his head, unable to find his voice.

"I know he kept thinking it hadn't sunk in for you yet, that when it did you'd run, and even if he was right, it's not too late to-" Frowning as he watched James, Kendall's eyes narrowed. "Oh shit, James. Oh shit. You didn't send him home, did you?"

Face screwed up with emotion, James shook his head again.

"Jesus Christ, this is such a mess. He left?"

"Yes," James whispered, falling into it when Kendall embraced him.

"I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna _kill_ him. No wonder you couldn't get over him! And on our date, all you wanted to do was forget. Like me."

"I'm sorry," James said again. "So sorry."

"Don't be. We're in the same boat."

* * *

><p>"Carlos, what happened? What do you mean you made out with him? When? I was with you all the—oh my god. The club. In Rio."<p>

"I got him dancing and it was...oh my god, Logan, he's insane when he gets moving, his body...it's just hard to make him lose control but once he does...and then he kissed me and it was..."

"And then things were weird. I'm so stupid, I can't believe I missed that. But it was after James and I spent the night together and-"

"I knew it!" Pointing a finger at Logan, Carlos cried out, "I _knew_ you guys had sex! Why did you lie?"

"I had to! They could've kicked me off the show, and that was my biggest fear, losing James!"

Carlos smirked at him. "And guess what? You did anyway. Because you were stupid enough to walk away. But he still loves you, and you still love him, and he's crazy over Caroline, and you're a fucking moron if you let him marry Kendall. What am I saying, he's not gonna marry Kendall. I am." Carlos moved toward the phone.

"Wait!"

"What?" One hand on the receiver, Carlos stopped.

"I'm afraid that he's had time to think about it. And he realized...what if he realized he _doesn't_ want to be a dad? What if the time away from me cleared his head and now he's glad I left?" Logan asked in a small voice. "I can't stand the thought of him telling me he's changed his mind. He doesn't ever have to know I was here."

Carlos shook his head. "Logan...you didn't see him. He's not himself, and I knew he was upset over you leaving, but I had no idea...trust me. He needs you."

* * *

><p>"So you love Carlos."<p>

Kendall had no idea if they were still being filmed at this point, and he honestly didn't care. This was about the four of them now, not about some stupid television show. "I do. I didn't want to. I fought it for so long because he doesn't love me like that. But you know Carlos. Can't resist that guy."

"Not if you're in love with him, you can't," James said softly. "Kendall...what have we done? How did we let them slip away?"

"It's not too late, James." Sitting back on his heels, Kendall braced his hands on James' arms and looked him in the eye. "Go after him. He still loves you, I know he does."

"But I'm not what Caroline needs. She needs-"

_"Love_, James. That's all she needs, two parents who love her and will spend every waking moment proving it. A house with the three of you would be so full of love, and you can't go wrong with that."

"But Logan-"

"Logan's an idiot. He got scared, I know him. He got scared. It got too real. But now he's had time to think and I bet he's kicking himself for leaving. I bet he's dying without you, James, just like you're dying without him."

James rubbed a hand over his face. "Then why isn't he here? If it was me, I would've found a way. Maybe he's thought it over and decided he was right."

Kendall's lips slowly curved up. "Do you love him?"

"Yes," James answered, expression tortured. "So much I can't breathe without him."

"Then tell him that. Tell him you'll do whatever he wants, whatever it-"

"No."

"No?"

"I'm not going to be a cardboard cutout who just stands there watching from the outside. I'm going to be a real father to that little girl, and that's what he doesn't want."

"But he _wants_ a father."

"No, he doesn't. He wants Jane. I can't be that, and I won't try."

"James-"

"Just stop!" James stood up suddenly, towering over Kendall. "You don't know, Kendall! He says I'm not ready."

"Then maybe you will be someday. Or maybe he's wrong, did you ever think of that?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It's the only thing _does_ matter!"

James shook his head, turning away.

"So you're just letting him walk away? Again?"

"It was his choice."

"Compromise, James!" Kendall yelled as he stood up. "We talked about this, compromise is the only way relationships work! One of you has to make a move."

James shook his head again, biting back angry tears as he faced Kendall to argue, and suddenly Kendall knew what to say. "Hey."

"What."

"If you don't marry him, someone else will."

James looked up slowly.

"Someone else's hands all over him."

James' nostrils flared, his eyes like smoldering flames. Kendall leaned in, pulling James close with a hand at the back of his neck, and said in his ear, "Someone else inside him, the way you were. Owning him."

"Fuck you!" Shoving Kendall away so that he stumbled back, James then advanced. "Just shut the fuck up!"

"Then go to him! Be the father that child needs before someone else does, or that someone else is going to teach her how to ride the horse _you_ bought her! Someone else is going to play in the castle _you_ had built for her!"

In his mind James saw the shadowy figure from his dream, himself watching from the outside, and it left him practically hyperventilating. "Fuck!" he screamed, spinning on his heel and stomping down the hill. He stopped before descending the trail and pointed back at Kendall. "Then you'd better go get Carlos! I'm not doing this alone!"

"I intend to!" Kendall yelled with a grin.

Sudden applause broke out around them. Kendall stared around at the production crew, who had apparently been rooting for this. He started laughing, James glaring at them all before stomping off again. Rich immediately followed.

"Is Carlos still here?" Kendall asked no one in particular.

A few people called out that he was at the hotel, and Kendall trotted toward his own limo with that huge smile in place. The show was over, they couldn't stop him now. He'd fly to New York if he had to and recruit Chachi to help him.

Carlos Garcia was going _down_.

* * *

><p>"I want <em>him<em> to tell me he needs me. I won't believe it unless it comes from him."

"You're so stupid, Logan. The smartest guy I've ever met, but so stupid sometimes. Do what you want with James. I'm going after Kendall."

Carlos picked up the phone to get an outside line, Logan jumping up from the table, and the two froze when there was a pounding on the door.

"Logan! Logan, open up! He couldn't do it, open the door!"

Heart soaring, Logan ran to the door and flung it open, hardly daring to believe his mother's words. "He couldn't do it?"

"No! They just called, he couldn't go through with it because he's still in love with you! I _told_ you! Go!"

Logan picked up his mother and squeezed her tight, tears of joy and relief sliding over his cheeks. "Thank you, God. Thank you." To Joanna, he said, "Is everything ready?"

"Yes, just go!"

Spinning back to face Carlos, Logan saw that they wore matching grins. "Go get him, genius. I'm gonna go get my hockey player."

Logan couldn't resist running back for a hug, squeezing Carlos tight. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Continue to be stupid. Go. And don't forget the stuff for Caroline."

"Right. Thanks." Logan kissed him on the cheek. "We're gonna do this."

"I know! Go!"

After grabbing the gift bag, Logan ran out of the room, leaving his mother alone with Carlos. "Hi. You must be Carlos."

"Yeah. Hi. Mrs. Mitchell, right?"

"Call me Mom." She went to him and hugged him. "I've heard so much about you I feel like you're a son already."

"Aww, my mom would feel the same way about Logan. So Kendall's not marrying James? Do you know if he's on his way back here? What did they say?"

"Oh, there's something you need to know. It wasn't only James who couldn't go through with it. It seems Kendall was planning to turn him down because he's in love with someone else. I wonder who that could be?"

"Seriously?" Carlos did a victory jump. "I _knew_ it! That jerkface can't resist me." The smile was plastered on his face. "Where is he?"

"I'm not sure, by now he's probably on his way back here."

"Damn. Where's the phone?"

Ten minutes later Logan opened the door to his hotel room, about to rush out when his mother appeared from Carlos' room. "Honey, tell them to hold that helicopter! You've got company."

Logan grinned. He was still terrified of the future, still afraid that he and James would have a lot of issues to overcome, but someone had once told him that with love you could work through anything. And even though there was a part of him that feared James wouldn't take him back now, he focused on six words that James had tried to drill into his head before it all went wrong.

"_Have a little faith in me." _

* * *

><p>Kendall's biggest problem at this point was how to convince Carlos that he could be just as good a husband as James. Though maybe marriage shouldn't even be brought into this yet; he supposed that might be jumping the gun a little, considering they hadn't even discussed a deeper relationship than friendship (excluding their stolen moments of physical contact), but then again they'd both signed on to this whole thing with the ultimate goal of marriage in mind.<p>

_I may not be James Diamond, but I've got things going for me. I'm a catch. Right?_

Maybe he could convince Carlos through more kisses. It would probably be tough to compete with James in bed, since he knew firsthand that sex with James was incredible, but Carlos was at least attracted to him. That was a good start, and if Kendall did everything in his power to please Carlos, he'd forget in time how great James was.

Or so Kendall hoped.

The truth was he didn't really know what it had been like between James and Carlos, he only knew that Carlos had said over and over that James was "perfect" and that Carlos had been terrified the first night they'd kissed because he "couldn't lose James." Whatever Carlos had felt for James, it was powerful and Kendall knew it would be a challenge to break that devotion down, even after James had rejected him.

_That's okay. I'm up for the challenge. I know him better than James does anyway, and I make him feel safe. In the cave, it was me he held on to._

Of course he'd also said that if it had been James next to him, he would've cuddled up to James.

_So what. He doesn't have James anymore. Tough. He's stuck with me and I'm gonna clobber him over the head until he loves me. I'll fill an entire room with stuffed animals, win him an entire zoo if I have to. I'll hold him down and make Chachi bite him until he gives in._

Wrapped up in his scheming, Kendall hadn't been paying attention to the scenery but couldn't help noticing the ride seemed to be taking a lot longer to get back to the hotel than it had taken to get to the proposal site. Then he realized the limo was climbing again, as if going up a mountain, and frowned. Feeling a sense of deja vu when it rolled to a stop, Kendall frowned. They were right back where they'd started.

The door was opened and he stepped out, more than a little confused. "What am I doing back here?" he asked the staff member who had opened the door.

"He changed his mind."

"What? Are you...he changed his mind? Are you_ kidding _me?"

"That's what they told me. He's waiting for you up there."

"James Diamond, I am not marrying you!" Kendall yelled, this time ready to be the one to do the punching. How could James even think about marrying him now, after everything they'd talked about? Even worse, he was losing precious time with Carlos, who might already be heading back on a flight to Los Angeles.

Kendall stormed up the trail, anger burned into his features and hands clenched into fists, and when he reached the top he opened his mouth to let loose but no words came out. All he could do was stare at the man before him, who was grinning at him and staring at him with those bright eyes he'd fallen in love with.

Hands behind his back, Carlos said, "Hey, sexy."

Kendall swallowed, heart in his throat. "Hi, gorgeous. What's uh...what's going on?"

"Well." Carlos cleared his throat and appeared to think something over. "I heard that you couldn't accept James' proposal. Something about me being irresistible?"

He had no idea how Carlos could possibly know that, but he didn't even try to argue it other than to say, "I told you once before, there are a lot of words I would use to describe you. That's not one of them."

"You sure about that?" Carlos smirked. "I seem to remember you finding me pretty damn hard to resist last night."

Cheeks coloring, Kendall glanced around. They were being filmed, and that got his heartbeat racing in triple time. Why would the show film this moment between them? He was afraid to believe it could be for the reason he hoped it was. "You're such a little shit."

"Don't even try to deny it. You love me."

With a slow smile, Kendall said, "I don't know when it happened. I don't know why it took me so long to realize it. I do know I'm not James, and while I may never be as perfect in your eyes as he is, if you let me I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be."

Carlos shook his head. "Not good enough."

A crack sliced its way up Kendall's heart, because he'd actually started to believe Carlos felt the same way, or at least enough to give it a try. "Carlos, give me a chance. All I want is to be with you, I go crazy when you're not around, and I can't be there all the time like James would've been, but-"

"Being like James isn't good enough. I need more than James. I need _you_." Bending down to one knee, Carlos pulled a familiar inflated dog from behind his back and held it out. "You took pretty good care of Joanie. Do the same for me. Love me and keep me safe, be the hero that you already are to me. Marry me, Kendall."

Though Carlos would've sounded confident to anyone except the three men who could see right through him (and maybe his mother as well), Kendall saw the doubt hiding behind the deep brown eyes, the terror that he'd been wrong and Kendall would walk out of his life forever; that had always been Carlos' biggest fear. He stepped forward and took Joanie from Carlos, cradling her carefully in his arm before helping Carlos to his feet. "I swear to love you and adore you and be there for you in every way that I possibly can. You are the one I came here looking for, and you are the one I'll leave with. Because even though the Bachelor didn't ask me to marry him, I'm coming out of this the winner. I get Carlos Garcia. What more in the world could I possibly want?"

Unshed tears shimmered in Carlos' eyes as he replied, "A lifetime supply of Garcia's Dogs?"

"Yes," Kendall chuckled. "Dogs of all kinds."

"You'll take us? Joanie and the boys and Chachi and the gang from 'Family Ties'?"

"And all of the prizes I'm going to win you over the course of our marriage. Yes. And don't forget that I'm semi-famous, too. I have contacts. I can get you Fonzie."

Carlos laughed, the tears spilling over. "Even if you can't...I don't care. I just want you."

"Good thing," Kendall smiled, tilting Carlos' chin up and leaning down. "Because all I want is you."

There was no applause to ruin the moment, their kiss sweeter and more passionate than any they'd shared before because this time it was right. They were done hiding from the world and from each other, but most importantly from themselves. When Carlos stepped closer to slide his arms around Kendall's waist, Kendall lifted Joanie out of the way to keep her safe, just as he'd promised Carlos all those weeks ago, just as he'd keep Carlos safe for the rest of his life.

"I love you," Kendall said softly, staring intently into Carlos' eyes.

"I love you, too, jerkface."

Kendall's laughter was music to Carlos' ears, and he knew he'd finally found the man who would love him through the night and then hold him as he fell into peaceful dreams, later shoving him out of bed to kick his ass at their favorite video game.

It didn't get any better than that.

* * *

><p>"I'm proud of you."<p>

Slowly turning his face from the window of the limousine, James appraised Rich and waited for him to continue.

"You didn't settle. I'm proud of you."

"Yeah, great for me. Now I'm alone."

"I thought you were going after Logan."

James shrugged, his gaze returning to the ocean.

"Don't make me smack you, James."

"Did you know about Carlos and Kendall?"

Rich hesitated, then went along with the subject change—for now. "Not really. I knew they were close, but I didn't know they were _that_ close. I get the feeling things escalated toward the end, when you never saw them together. When they were forced apart."

Nodding, James agreed. "I can see that. But it's crazy, I was so worried about Logan. In the beginning, I kept worrying I'd lose Kendall and Logan because they'd fall in love. Carlos...I don't know. He never felt like a threat to me."

"Probably because you mostly saw him as a friend."

"Not always. There was a time I saw him as more."

"If it hadn't been for Logan, would you have slept with him that night?"

"Yes. If it wasn't for Logan, I'd have slept with anyone who made it that far. I feel it's important to test out things of that nature. If you're not sexually compatible, it's not going to work. At least not with me."

"But because of Logan, you wouldn't have slept with Kendall."

"You know what's funny, Rich? It's because of Logan that I _did_ sleep with Kendall."

"And you're okay with giving that up? With hanging around Kendall after having sex with him? That won't be weird for you guys?"

"Honestly...no. My attraction to him is pretty much dead. I mean...yeah, he's hot but I feel like we got it out of our systems that night. If we'd ended up married, the sex would've been great, but I don't crave him the way I do Logan. I've never felt the pull to anyone like I do him. He's like a magnet, and even though he's on the other side of the world right now and doesn't want anything to do with me, I still feel it. I don't think that's ever gonna fade."

"That's a sign it's meant to be."

James closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat, the familiar ache spreading from his chest and out to his limbs. "I miss him, Rich. So fucking much."

"I know, buddy."

"And I know what Kendall said, but I still have that fear. What if he's glad he left? What if he realized he was right and is thanking God for giving him the wisdom to bail before he made a horrible mistake?"

"James Diamond, you are so blind. I spent the past six weeks with you. Every single moment except a few very special ones, I was right there next to you both. I have never in my life seen two people more in love, two people who belong together and who need each other. You brighten each others' lives, you can't keep your hands off each other, and neither of you is happy without the other."

"I know that, Rich," James groaned, bringing his fist down hard onto the leather seat. "Our love for each other has never been in question. He captivated me that first night, and then when we finally kissed it was...fuck. It was magic. Everything with him is magic, I can't get enough. But it's not just about us; there's a little girl whose life is at stake here and we could mess it up if-"

"Bullshit, James. I wish Lana was here, she'd smack some sense into you."

James sighed. "I can't to wait to see her again."

"She'll be proud of you for not proposing, too. When do you get to see her?"

"Once they let us go. We've got some stuff to wrap up back in L.A. before we're all allowed to leave, but it won't be more than a day or two. Then it's home sweet home. God, I miss Fame."

"What about Diamond? Don't you want to see her, too?"

"Rich, just knock that shit off!"

"No. What would Lana say if she was here right now?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. What would she say?"

"Do you know how much I fucking hate you sometimes?"

Rich raised an eyebrow. "Really? That's what she'd say?"

"No, Rich, that's what I'm saying to you."

"You hate me because I'm right. What would she say?"

"She'd say the same things you are. The same things Kendall said. Hell, probably what Carlos would say, too."

"Then trust us. We know what's best because we see it from outside. Every single one of us agrees that you'd be a wonderful father to Caroline."

"But it doesn't matter what you guys think! It's all about what Logan believes, and he's smart. He knows better than anyone else."

Rich smiled as the limo rolled to a halt. "You think so?"

"I know so. If he says I'm not ready, I'm not ready."

"And if he said you were?"

James shook his head. "Not even worth thinking about."

The door was opened and James stepped out, only then noticing they weren't at the beach house. He was tired, he was cranky, and what he wanted most in life he couldn't have; he certainly wasn't in the mood for anything except to be alone. "Where the hell am I?"

After standing next to James, Rich answered, "The show wanted to get some video of you reflecting. You know they love that shit. Just go walk around by the shore and look like you're thinking really hard over the past month and the choices you made."

"I'm really not in the mood for this."

"It's almost over, James. Last day to put on a show." Rich raised his camera. "One more time."

James didn't have to fake the melancholy as he trekked over the sidewalk and into sand. Five steps in he bent down to remove his shoes, not caring anymore about much of anything, and tossed them aside. After peeling off his socks, he slid his hands into his pockets, and ignoring the few other cameras and staff around him, he headed toward the water, watching his feet as the sand suddenly dipped into a descent.

"James!"

The cry surprised him, seeming so foreign in this deserted place, and he glanced up to see a small body hurtling toward him over packed sand, blonde hair and a queen's robe flying behind her as Caroline ran. "Caroline?"

"James! James, I got to ride in a helicopter!"

He'd finally lost it. All of the stress, all of the heartbreak, it had finally become too much and he'd cracked, because there was no way Caroline could be here on this beach in Australia. He quickly decided that if this was insanity, he would willingly succumb because any place that had this little angel running around in it was where he wanted to be. He started trotting toward her, desperate to hold her in his arms again.

She was holding something big and shiny in her gloved hands as she ran, feet clumsy in the fancy shoes he and Carlos had bought for her, and the crown threatened to slip down over her forehead. "It went high in the air and I saw Carlos and he's gonna come make hot dogs and-"

The sand was suddenly too much, her foot sinking enough that she couldn't get it out in time, and as she started to tumble forward James covered the distance to slide onto his knees and catch her, the golden crown she was holding falling aside. She landed in James' arms, him hugging her close as he fought tears because he knew she'd be scared if he cried in front of her, would think she'd done something wrong.

"I almost fell!"

"I know, princess. It's okay, though. I got you. I won't let you fall."

"I missed you, James!"

Still holding her tight, he said softly, "I missed you, too. I missed my princess."

"But I'm a queen now, see?"

He let her go when she pulled away to model the outfit. "I wanted to bring the spector but I had to carry the crown instead."

"The...sceptre, you mean?"

"Yeah! Oh no, where's the crown?"

"It's right here, sweetheart." James picked it up and brushed it off, still on his knees. "Here you go."

"No, it's for you. I'm a queen now, so you have to be my king. Daddy said we have to get you a real crown if you're a king."

Pain ripping through his heart at the mention of Logan, because seeing Caroline again had opened the wound so that it was raw and bleeding, James whispered, "Where is Daddy?"

Caroline giggled and pointed over his shoulder, and slowly James spun, rising as he did, to find Logan immaculate and beautiful in a tuxedo and standing behind him. Logan looked as terrified as James felt, but at the same time at peace, which James understood perfectly—they were within sight of each other again, and already his heart was calming while at the same time his body was waking, the familiar pull drawing him closer.

Fingering the crown, he asked, "Are you really here or did I go over the edge?"

Logan gave him that crooked little smile he was so in love with and replied, "I'm really here. In Australia, where you somehow managed to bring me."

"It wasn't easy, you know."

"I do know. I'm sorry."

A flash of red caught his eye and James watched Caroline run to Rich, who held a finger to his lips but then welcomed her at his side.

"Why are you here?" James asked.

"Because I still have something that belongs to you." Logan reached into his pocket and pulled out the key, holding it up so that the sunlight glinted off it. "The problem is I can't give it back. When you gave it to me, you said I would have it forever."

"You will. No matter where you go or who you end up with, you're stuck with that. I'm never taking it back."

"I made a mistake when I walked away from you. There's nothing I can say that will undo the pain I caused both of us, and I can't get us back the past few weeks, but I'm hoping there's still enough love in this thing to get me a second chance with you. I was scared and I was stupid and I thought I knew what was best, but...the truth is I don't know anything anymore except that I love you and I want you to be part of our family."

Fighting the overpowering urge to say yes, that anything Logan wanted he would give as long as he could have them both in his life forever, James took a breath and said, "I'm not giving in to what you asked of me. I want to be her father in every sense of the word."

Logan swallowed, nodding before responding. "I'm aware of that. It terrifies me to let someone else in, to trust someone else with her, but I need to give a little. So do you. Somewhere we can meet in the middle and try to work this out, if you still want me. Both of us, because you know we're a package deal."

Gaze straying to Caroline, James smiled slightly. "That was never a problem for me, Logan. I was scared, yeah, but there was never a time I felt you weren't worth the hassle. And then I met her and...the two of you in my life, that's all I want. I'm not going to be a perfect dad right away, and maybe not ever, but I just want a chance to show you that I love you both enough to do whatever it takes to make sure you're happy and taken care of. All I'm asking for is a chance. If you don't want to get married right away because you need to make sure it's going to work, that's fine, but please, Logan. Just give me a chance to love you both."

Logan held out one arm in Caroline's direction and she came running to his side, hugging his leg as she stared shyly up at James. "Honey, tell James what you said in the helicopter."

"I think I saw a joey in the grass!"

"No, pumpkin," Logan chuckled. "The part about Mommy."

"Oh! I miss Mommy."

James nodded, biting his lip but keeping quiet.

"And?" Logan prompted.

"If you want to be my daddy, Mommy won't be mad. I prayed to her and she said I could have a new daddy."

James' heart squeezed, and this time he couldn't help the tears rolling from his eyes.

Logan sank to one knee, an arm around Caroline's waist. "You gave me your heart. You trusted me with it, and I abused it. Still you won't take it back, and that tells me we have something worth saving. I'm so sorry I hurt you, and I'd give anything to undo it, but I can't. All I can do is give you what you've given me. I give you my heart, James." He pushed Caroline toward James, her smiling up at him with big blue eyes. "And I trust you enough to keep it safe."

Falling to his knees, James wrapped his arms around Caroline when she ran to him, body shaking as he cried. Logan's eyes were wet when he asked, "James Diamond, will you marry us?"

Logan was yanked off his knees and into the embrace, Caroline between them as they held each other. "Yes, you fucking genius. _Yes._ It's all I wanted from the moment I met her."

"I love you, James. I love you so much and I can't believe I almost lost you."

"I'm here. But if you try to leave me again, I'm not letting you go this time. I'll fight for you until you stop thinking about everything and just trust your heart. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

"But can we go see Joey?"

They both laughed, Logan reaching down for the crown James had dropped. "Here, Daddy. Put on your crown."

"Yeah, put it on so we can match!" Caroline made sure it was straight, then beamed up at him. "Now you're my king!"

"And you are my little queen. There's a castle on the way to your house, too. A real one that we can put in the backyard and play in."

Hands covering her mouth, Caroline gasped. "A real one?"

"That's right. I have some pictures of Joey to show you, too."

"You saw him?"

"I sure did, princess. And yes, I'm still going to call you that, even if you are a queen. Because you'll always be my princess."

Rising to his feet, James picked Caroline up and settled her at his waist, holding her up in one arm while helping Logan up with the other. He kissed Logan gently, even that soft touching of lips setting every nerve ending on fire. "I missed you," he whispered.

"So much," Logan agreed, speaking against James' lips. "Mom's going to take her out for a walk when we get back to the hotel. I begged her for an hour alone with you."

James groaned softly, fingers fisting in Logan's hair in a way that made him gasp, but then he gulped down air and forced himself to relax.

"Soon, James."

As they made their way toward the sidewalk, James remembered the cameras and realized this had all been filmed. "You set all this up?"

"Well, I had help from the producers. They were hoping something like this would happen, kept encouraging me to go break up your proposal to the other guys, because they knew it would be more dramatic and make the viewers happy. They figured it would be a nice twist to the show."

"How did you know I didn't propose to the other guys?"

"The staff kept in contact with me. I've been here the whole time and when I told them what I wanted, they worked with me to make it happen. And don't be mad at Rich, he just found out last night I was here and I made him swear not to tell you. We just had to wait and see what you would do with Kendall and Carlos. Who should be engaged by now, just so you know."

"Seriously?"

"If Kendall agrees to marry Carlos, then yes. We dropped Carlos off on the way here, he was going to propose."

"Oh, Kendall will say yes. Damn, I'm sorry we missed that."

"We'll see it when the show airs."

"When can I go see Joey?" Caroline whined. "Today?"

"Maybe," James answered. "I'll see what I can do." He kissed her cheek. "I see you've been using our Lucky Comb."

"Yeah! Daddy taught Grandma how to use it, so it doesn't hurt me no more!"

"Anymore," Logan automatically corrected.

"Shoot. Logan. There's a horse being delivered to your house today."

"Oh. That could be a problem."

James grinned, hugging Logan tight against his side. "Nothing we can't handle. They'll hold it for us."

As they reached the limo, James opened the door to allow Caroline to hop in and then followed Logan in as well. "We can handle anything life throws at us," James said with conviction.

"Daddy!"

"What?" Logan replied.

"What does 'fucking' mean?"

James' eyes bugged out of his head and Logan shook his, turning to raise an eyebrow at James. "We can handle anything," he mimicked. "Go on, Dad. Handle this one."

"Uh...well, Caroline...it's not something you should ever say."

"Why not? You said it."

Logan looked on in amusement as James tried to dig himself out of that hole. He'd come halfway across the country to find this man right here, the one who was currently struggling to find a way to explain "bad words" to a five-year-old child. Logan could've helped, might've interceded to let James know he and Caroline had covered that subject the previous year, but James needed practice-the sooner the better.

Logan remembered the first glimpse he'd had of James, standing handsome and anxious and so ready to take on twenty-five men who would all be battling for the spot Logan found himself in at this moment. There was a depth to James now that wasn't there then, and Logan liked that he'd been part of the reason for that shift.

"I love you," he whispered into James' ear. "Always."

James turned dancing hazel eyes to him. "I love you, too. More than enough," he replied, and then smiled. "Always."


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Wow, a lot to say here. First, thank you for the reviews. I'm so happy most of you loved the last chapter and the choices that were made and I know it was rough getting here, but I promised you a happy ending. My guys ALWAYS have a happy ending. This isn't the last chapter, there's still one more to come, but this one is super super long. James had a lot to say.

On the actual show, there is an episode that airs between the overnight dates and the proposal, it's where they bring back all of the eliminated contestants (except for the final two, because at that point we don't know yet who's been proposed to) so that they can confront each other and the Bachelor about things that happened over the course of filming. I chose to combine that with the After the Final Rose special, so in this chapter you get all of it. It's almost all dialogue, which makes sense since it's basically an interview, and I hope it's not too boring for that but Chris takes them all on a sort of recap of the season and gets their feedback (mostly James). The point of this episode is to finally get to hear what James was feeling and thinking, as well as to see where the couple (or in this case, couples) stands at this point in time and whether or not the relationships are working out. Sometimes they don't, which is sad. The show ends and reality sets in and things don't always work out.

Also, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get up. It took forever for me to write, both because it is so long and because I kept having to re-write huge chunks of it two and three times due to my phone and computer erasing it. It's been a long week haha. Hopefully it doesn't come off too flat for that, since I had to keep redoing it.

Some of the questions Chris asks below are thanks to **21MSTARZ**, who mentioned them in a review. She came up with some good questions!

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Chris was given the go, and from his comfortable leather chair on the small stage he turned to speak into the camera.<p>

"In what was perhaps our most dramatic season of 'The Bachelor' to date, love managed to overcome all obstacles. As those of you at home just witnessed, there wasn't one but two proposals given in the final episode, and in a twist no one expected, the Bachelor himself wasn't even the one to propose! When the creators of this show decided to try their hand at a gay version of the contest, they had no idea what they were getting into; they knew there would be controversy, they knew there would be drama, and yes—they knew there was a chance contestants might fall for each other rather than the Bachelor himself. It was of course discouraged among the contestants, but as we've seen over the past few months, when it's right...it's right. The final proposal could have gone any way, had the remaining men not chosen to take a chance, but because they did we ended up with not only one couple, but two. Or as you'll learn tonight, even three."

The spotlight suddenly lit up the gathering of men on the stage, grouped in two rows of seats. All of the contestants were present except the final three and Jerry, and for the next fifteen minutes Chris allowed them to speak their minds and vent any frustrations they'd been feeling toward each other. Austin and Rob of course spoke over everyone else, continuing to bicker as they had when they'd been forced to live together, and Ryan did his best to calm them down while Mike jumped in to agree that he could see both sides of their arguments but reminded them it was in the past and not worth fighting over at this point. Ruffled feathers were soothed, Peter and Scott both feeling they hadn't been given fair chances with James, and at that point Chris interrupted.

"Well, let's go ahead and let James come out and defend himself. Everyone, welcome the Bachelor—or should we say, _former_ bachelor—James Diamond."

The studio audience cheered when James stepped out onto the stage, glowing and handsome as ever. He shook hands with Chris and nodded at the group of men off to the right, then smiled before taking one of the empty chairs near Chris.

"Hello, James. Welcome back."

"Yeah, it's been a while," James grinned. "Good to see you."

"The viewers at home just watched the dramatic proposal on the beach and saw you go from a broken shell of a man to the happiest guy in the world in a matter of minutes. We'll talk more about that later in the show, but for now let me ask you this: did you have any idea Logan was even in Australia?"

"None at all," James answered with a shake of his head. "And I certainly had no idea Caroline was there. I thought at first I was dreaming or had lost my mind."

"It was a beautiful moment. I have to say that I've been with this show, as well as 'The Bachelorette', for every season, and this was the first to make me tear up. That little girl running to you in her outfit..."

Shaking his head again, James was beaming. "Isn't she amazing? Sometimes I just stare at her in wonder."

"Sounds like things are going well on that score, but again—we'll talk more about that later. For now, these men have some issues they'd like cleared up."

James cleared his throat and pulled his collar away from his neck, shifting in his seat to smile at the men. "Hey, guys."

They all chorused a "hello" at him, and Chris gestured toward Scott. "You had something you wanted to discuss with James?"

"Yes. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that from the start, we felt like you were favoring certain guys over the rest of us. First Kendall, then Carlos."

"And don't forget Logan," Kevin added.

"Right, well I was gone by that time," Scott replied. "It's no secret you were starstruck by Kendall and that really wasn't fair."

"You can't blame me for that, Scott," James reasoned. "I didn't know he was going to be on the show. My guess is the producers picked him knowing of my crush in order to bring in more drama, since I'd mentioned him a few times in interviews as being my favorite hockey player. And don't forget that it wasn't even Kendall who got the First Impression Rose, it was Carlos."

"But then it was Carlos you spent all that time with on our group date in Big Bear," Peter pointed out. "So again, playing favorites."

"I would've done the same for any of you. Dave, remember our date in San Francisco? The roller coaster? Did I not spend extra time on you because of your fear?"

"Yes, you did," Dave nodded.

"And you got the rose. Mike. Our date in Vegas. After all the drama with Kevin and Dave, it wasn't Logan who got the rose. It was you. Because you showed me you're the kind of person who's fair and listens to reason. You didn't get caught up in the drama of it all. On the group date in Hawaii, it was none of those three who got that rose—it was Ryan. So say what you want, I will freely admit to being more hung up on Logan than the rest of you, but Carlos and Kendall..." James sighed. "While they are very special to me, and were even then, I tried my hardest to be fair with all of you. It's not easy in that situation."

"James," Chris started, "let's talk about that date in Vegas. The men were understandably upset because you were showing favor to Logan, and when they expressed that it ended badly. Can you honestly blame them for it, though?"

"I wasn't angry at them being jealous. What pissed me off was Kevin and Dave insinuating that Logan, Kendall, and Carlos were more than friends." He stopped speaking, blinking at how ridiculous that sounded in light of the way things had turned out, then chuckled. "Let's forget about the fact that Kendall and Carlos were in love. At that point nothing had happened between them. Kevin, you couldn't have known this then, but my fears over exactly what you were suggesting ran deep. I had my own suspicions about the same thing, but had cleared the matter up with Kendall. I was at that point past my jealousy. For you to not only bring it up again but then to accuse me of being a puppet, basically...that wasn't gonna fly with me. I'm sorry for the way it ended, and Dave, I'm sorry you got involved in that but it was your own mouth that did it. Once we left the theater and sat down to talk, you both just kept digging yourselves in deeper and I knew it wasn't going to work."

Kevin shook his head, annoyed.

"You don't seem to buy that, Kevin," Chris prodded.

"No, because if it had been anyone else, even Mike and Ryan, you wouldn't have sent us home over it. It's because it was your precious trio of buddies."

Mike jumped in before James could answer. "I don't believe that. I think if it had been about me and Ryan, James would've reacted the same way. It wasn't that it was them so much as the fact that you thought he was being played, that you pretty much called him stupid."

"Thank you, Mike," James smiled. "There's a reason I hated sending you home."

"But I'm sure glad you did," Mike grinned, reaching out to hold Ryan's hand. Ryan blushed but laughed.

"Yes, let's talk about that for a moment, shall we?" Chris chuckled. "It seems losing the contest was the best thing to ever happen to you two."

"I'm glad it worked out," James said, eyes twinkling at Ryan.

"After Mike's exit aired, I got a lot of questions about why Mike left." Turning to James, Chris continued, "Everyone said they liked him a lot and that you two seemed very compatible. They couldn't understand what went wrong."

"The thing with Mike and Ryan is that nothing actually went wrong. There was nothing they said or did that pushed me away. I got along well with both of them and it was really hard to say goodbye."

"But you had to," Chris said.

"I had to send someone home. As much as I loved those guys, when it came down to choosing who would go, it was never a question of 'Who don't I like?' It was 'Who can I not live without?' And as it got closer and closer to the end, my feelings were stronger for some men than others. Ryan and Mike were wonderful, but I knew they weren't the ones for me. And as you saw in the hometown week, I was beginning to have suspicions that Ryan was in love with Mike anyway."

Ryan turned red again, Mike wrapping an arm around him and hugging him in. "I'm sorry," Ryan said softly.

"Don't be! Look at you, you're glowing! Both of you. You know how much I like you, Ryan. I hope you believe that everything I said to you was true, that I honestly loved being around you."

"I do. I know it was."

"But when it came down the final four, I had to look at the future. I mean, we talked for hours on our dates, and that was so great. With everyone else it was trying to do things, make it exciting, but with you...and Logan, I guess...it was about spending time with you and getting to know you. We bonded right away over our childhoods, and even though that spark wasn't there, I didn't want to lose you. In that way, you were like Carlos to me. I'd met someone amazing who maybe wasn't my future husband, but was someone I couldn't stand to say goodbye to. But in the end, I had to say goodbye to someone."

"I know, James," Ryan smiled. "I don't bear you any ill will. I knew I was talking too much about Mike on our last date but I couldn't seem to help myself. I was going crazy without him."

"Aww," Mike cooed, kissing Ryan on the cheek. "You do love me."

"Would I be marrying you if I didn't?"

Mike dived in for a quick kiss, Ryan blushing yet again, and James laughed. "They're adorable."

"Even in times of heartache, love is born," Chris quipped. "Did anyone else find love in the group? Did we end up with more than three couples?"

The answer was apparently no, as everyone else shook their heads, some of the guys looking a little bitter. Scott voiced what they were thinking. "It doesn't seem fair that these guys all broke the rules but ended up happy. Why was there no action taken?"

"Hey," Mike argued, "Ryan and I did nothing wrong. We didn't even kiss until after he'd been eliminated. Up until the end, James was our priority."

"But what about Carlos and Kendall?" Kevin asked. "We saw in the final episode that they totally kissed in Australia, and who knows what else, when they weren't even supposed to be talking to each other."

"And what about all that cuddling they did? Even Mike and Ryan shared a bed on their last few nights together." Dave pointed out. "How was that fair?"

Chris shrugged. "If you want to know what the producers felt about it, the truth was they were pretty much willing to let anything happen. It was new to them, dealing with contestants who were attracted to the same sex, and they decided to just let it go and see what would happen. It brought up the ratings, as they knew it would."

"That's not fair, though," Kevin complained. "They gave us these rules and then didn't care if we broke them? We were all going crazy in that house being around so many hot guys but most of us suffered because we thought we had to."

James lifted an eyebrow. "I would've thought you'd suffer because it was me you wanted, not because you had to. But that just proves my earlier point, Kevin. If you wanted to be with someone else, obviously I wasn't the one for you. Logan says that other than a little bit of attraction he felt for Kendall in the beginning, which disappeared once he fell in love with me, he was never once tempted to be with anyone else. It was always me. That's how it should be when it's right."

"Yet you were still attracted to Kendall at the very end," Chris pointed out.

"Sure, he's an attractive guy. I still find him attractive today but there's not even one tiny piece of me that would want to sleep with him. The only reason I did on our date is because I was trying to get over Logan. And he knows that," James added in a hurry when the audience took that badly. "He feels the same way about me, so we're good."

"Meaning he only has eyes for Carlos," Chris clarified.

"Right."

"Okay, we're gonna wrap this up but when we come back from commercial break we'll talk to Kendall and Carlos about their own experience, and coming up later we'll hear more from James and Logan."

The men stood up to exit the stage, James taking the opportunity to jump up and rush over to Ryan and Mike. He hugged them both, genuinely glad to see them. "So happy for you guys."

"Thanks, same to you," Mike grinned. "I take it things are going well?"

"Better than ever," James smiled. "I've never been happier in my life."

"Neither have we," Ryan said while glancing up at Mike. "I'm glad there's no hard feelings."

"Nah, I was more afraid you guys would have them. Listen, we don't have much time but Kendall wanted me to make sure I get a number in case he doesn't get to see you. We want to invite you guys up for a weekend, if you want to come."

"Yeah, that'd be great!"

James whipped out his phone and put Ryan's number into it, then Mike's as well before they were all rushed off the stage. Logan approached the moment they stepped into the big room where everyone was gathered, arm sliding around James' waist after he met first Mike's hug, then Ryan's.

"Good to see you guys again!" Logan said with a smile.

"Yeah, you too," Ryan agreed. "We couldn't believe it when we were sitting there watching the show and you took off that night in England. We both had bets you would win."

"Well," Logan shrugged. "Basically I did."

James kissed his temple. "We both did."

When Logan blushed, Mike laughed. "You're as bad as Ryan. You two need to learn to take a compliment."

Kendall and Carlos rushed by hand in hand, Carlos waving and calling out a greeting to them as they headed toward the stage. "See you guys in New York?"

"We'll be there!" Mike yelled in response.

Carlos took one of the chairs near Chris, Kendall waiting until he was seated to sink into the next one.

"Good to see you two," Chris smiled, shaking their hands before he was given a signal to begin. To the camera he said, "Welcome back. We just heard from most of the contestants who didn't win the contest, but there were two who came out winning in a different way. Kendall and Carlos came to L.A. looking for love with James, but ended up finding it where they least expected it. Let's take a look back at where this all began."

On a large screen above the stage, Carlos appeared. Kendall reached over and grabbed his hand as they watched pieces of Carlos' original entry video, him talking about his life and what he hoped to gain from the experience. It switched to Kendall after, Carlos chuckling when he realized they'd both been looking for someone like James. "We were so stupid," he whispered.

Kendall grinned and squeezed Carlos' hand, clips of the two of them together playing now-their antics around pools, their habit of throwing objects at each other, the two of them cuddled up in bed playing a video game or wrapped up in each other while sleeping on a couch. The last scene was a shot of Carlos snuggled up in Kendall's arms and yelling "I have nothing to hide. You hear that, James?"

Everyone laughed, Carlos blushing slightly. "Well, I didn't! We were just friends then!"

"It's okay, babe. It all worked out."

Chris broke in. "How hard was it for you two to resist each other? Kendall, I know it caused problems between you and James, so much that you begged him for a second chance to prove your devotion."

"Yeah, but that wasn't just about Carlos. I mean, a lot of it was, this guy is really distracting-"

Carlos beamed.

"-but it was also Logan, because I knew how much Logan loved James and I felt he needed someone like James in his life. With Carlos, I always worried about what being sent home would do to him, because...well, I just did."

"It's because you love me. You can admit it now."

"But I didn't then, Carlos. At least I hadn't accepted it."

"That brings up a good point," Chris commented. "When did you know?"

Carlos answered first. "I didn't figure it out until the very end. It was after I knew in my heart that James wasn't going to pick me. And that meant he was gonna pick Kendall, and up until then I'd always assumed it would be Logan. When it hit me that Kendall was going to marry James...I freaked out. It wasn't even about James, it was about watching Kendall marry someone else. That's when I knew I was screwed."

"Aww," Kendall responded, reaching over to hug Carlos' shoulders with one arm.

"What about you, Kendall?"

Sitting back again, Kendall answered, "I think I would've been okay if we'd never kissed. I probably would've been engaged to James and not realized I was in love with Carlos until later, when the game was all over and I didn't see him every day. The attraction was there from the start, but I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring that for a while."

Chris nodded. "You went into Carlos' room that night innocently, to return his toy?"

"I did, I had no intentions of anything happening other than an official goodbye. This guy, though-he has to push things. Just like the dancing. That was my real downfall."

"Me?" Carlos exclaimed. "You kissed me first!"

"Well, if you hadn't forced me to dance like that, telling me to pretend we were having sex...how was I supposed to react?"

"With _James._ I said to pretend it was with _James_."

"While you're rubbing up on me? Yeah, that's gonna happen."

"Wait a minute." Chris held up a hand. "You two went dancing in Rio. Your first kiss was in Rio?"

"It was his fault!" Carlos yelled as Kendall laughed. "He kissed me."

"Yes," Kendall said in reply to Chris' question. "We were terrified someone would find out and disqualify us."

"And from then until the final night, you managed to keep your hands off each other?"

Carlos was silent, squirming, while Kendall said, "Mostly."

"Okay, I'll back off," Chris laughed. "I suppose none of that matters now anyway. But Kendall, up until the final day, it appeared you were planning to accept James' proposal. When did that change and why? Was it the encounter with Carlos the night before?"

"Partly. That made it worse, because I already missed him and was miserable thinking that he'd slept with James-"

"Even though I didn't," Carlos interrupted.

"But you would've," Kendall countered.

"I could've the last night with James and I didn't."

"Neither did I the last night. I went to see you instead."

Chris jumped in. "Is that hard for you, Carlos? Knowing he did and you didn't?"

Carlos shrugged. "A little bit. Not so much anymore. And I couldn't really be mad, because I would've done it too if I'd had the chance on my first overnight date with James. Now I'm glad I didn't, because it might be weird when we hang out."

"Is it weird for you and James, Kendall? I imagine the friendship between the four of you has remained intact?"

"Yeah, but we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together yet. We were forced to keep everything quiet until the show aired, so mostly we all just talk on the phone."

"Sometimes we Skype with Caroline," Carlos added. "And they send us pictures of her all the time."

"Her birthday's coming up in a few months, we're all getting together for that."

"And that won't be awkward between you and James?" Chris asked.

"Not really, because we both know why it happened. James is great, but he doesn't even come close to comparing with Carlos. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. We're content to be friends for the rest of our lives."

Chris nodded as Carlos smiled at Kendall. "So how much time have you two been able to spend together since filming ended?"

"Pretty much all of it," Carlos replied.

"I've been hiding out at Carlos' place for months now."

"And how has that changed your life, Carlos?"

"It's been awesome. I still work a lot, but Kendall makes sure I'm home by nine every night. He and Chachi come to get me if I'm not."

"Ah, the infamous Chachi. Does he approve of Kendall, then?"

"It's disgusting, Chris!" Carlos whined. "He gets so pissed when I throw him off the bed at night. All he wants to do is cuddle with Kendall!"

"Can you blame him?" Kendall teased.

"No, because that's all I want to do, too."

The audience "awwed" as they grinned at each other, Kendall hugging Carlos close again across the distance.

"Have you ended up helping out with the business at all, Kendall?"

"Yeah, some nights I show up to drag him out and there's an emergency so I pitch in."

"He's so awesome," Carlos beamed.

"And sometimes I get bored at home so I just show up randomly to help out because I miss him."

Another "aww" from the audience had Chris rolling his eyes. "Just wait until we get James and Logan out here, the audience will probably combust. Kendall, have you met the family yet? We know Carlos' father had some doubts about James' devotion to him, has that been an issue for you?"

"Not at all. He took me aside the day we met and we talked for a long time about Carlos. When we left that night, he welcomed me to the family."

"He didn't even use his gun," Carlos added.

"And Kendall's family? Did Katie go easy on you, Carlos?"

"Yes. We haven't actually got to meet yet, but we've talked on the phone. After we watched the episode where James met them, I asked her why she didn't interrogate me like she did James. She said it was because I made Kendall happy and she could tell we were in love. She knew with James his heart wasn't in it."

Kendall nodded. "She also said that with James,_ my_ heart wasn't in it, either. I think they edited that out of the show, but she knew when I went home for a few days that it was Carlos I couldn't stop thinking about. Pissed me off."

Carlos grinned. "Were you more mad at her or yourself? Because I was pissed at myself for the same reason when I went home."

"Mostly myself, I guess. I couldn't get you out of my head. I missed you."

Chris pointed at the audience, who "awwed" on cue. "Knew that was coming," he laughed, Kendall and Carlos joining him. "So what are your plans at this point? Kendall, are you moving to New York?"

"Yes, though I'll still keep the place in San Jose until I can work out a trade. That might be years from now, though."

"He has to go back into training in a few weeks," Carlos pouted. "Chachi's gonna be hell to live with."

"You two can console each other," Kendall soothed.

Chris chuckled. "Before we wrap this up, there's one thing I'd like to know. Kendall, do you now know the recipe for Garcia's Dogs?"

"Yes! I make them better than he does, too."

"You do not!" Carlos exclaimed.

"Chachi went for mine in our contest."

"That's only because yours was closest to him. The other dogs all ate mine."

"Yeah, because Chachi wouldn't let them near mine. Face it, Carlitos, I make the better hot dog."

"You're a jerkface."

"Right. That's why you can't keep your hands off me when I work in your restaurants. You know you love me."

"That's not why," Carlos shook his head.

"Oh? It's not because you find me irresistible?"

"No. I mean, yes, but...it's just sometimes it hits me, how amazing you are and how you put up with all my crap and you love me anyway. I'm so lucky, and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but when I see you in my kitchen working...sometimes I get overwhelmed. I love you so much."

Kendall melted right along with the audience this time, leaning over to kiss Carlos gently. "I love you."

"I know," Carlos smiled. "That's my point."

"I think we'll wrap this up with that. I wish you both a long future filled with love and happiness. And a lot of dogs."

"Thanks, Chris." Kendall shook his hand, then Carlos did, before they left the stage hand in hand.

James was waiting in the wings, hugging them both on arrival. "We still on for a late dinner after this?"

"Yes, I'm starving!" Carlos whined.

"Where's Logan?"

In answer to Kendall's question, James pointed to a corner of the room where Logan was trying to hear someone on the phone. "He's saying goodnight to Caroline."

"You're not?"

"I already talked to her. She's supposed to be in bed by now but Grandma let her stay up to watch us on T.V., since she was on it, too. That woman spoils her, I swear."

Both Kendall and Carlos busted up laughing.

"Shut up, I'm not that bad."

Carlos affected a child-like voice. "One more story, James? Please?"

"So she likes it when I read her stories. You're just jealous because your child doesn't tell you he loves you before bed."

"Oh yes he does," Kendall argued. "He says it with licks and cuddles."

"Which sounds so wrong," James shuddered.

"James, you're up!" a stage hand called out.

"See you guys later."

After a wave at Logan, who smiled and nodded, James once again took the stage, this time sans the group of contestants. Chris greeted him and he settled into the chair Carlos had vacated, much more relaxed.

"Well, James, it was a wild ride."

"Yeah, you could say that," James laughed.

"Would you do it all again if you had to?"

"A million times. I have the most incredible family and I can't believe I lived without them for so long."

"You didn't come into this looking for a family, though, did you?" Chris asked with a smile.

"Not at all. I just wanted...well, I'm not sure what I wanted, really. I went into this not knowing what I wanted and trying to keep an open mind."

"Let's take a look at the James Diamond who first signed on to do this show."

More clips flashed on the screen, James watching himself talk about his life and his career and how he felt it was time for a change. It was surreal, he'd had no idea at that point just how much his life would change or that Logan and Caroline even existed. Now he couldn't imagine living without them.

When the screen fell silent, Chris said, "That is not the man you are today, is it?"

James shook his head. "Not even remotely. I had no idea what I was capable of then or what I was missing."

"Going back to that first night, you seemed a bit overwhelmed."

"I was! So many hot guys, and they were all there for _me_, to try to win me over. It was awesome, but a little much all at once, too."

"Who stood out the most that night?"

"Well, there was Kendall, of course. I'm glad they saved him for last because I wouldn't have been able to function when meeting anyone else," James chuckled. "I was starstruck. But once we got inside...I'd say Carlos for sure, as well as Mike and Jerry."

"Not Logan?"

"Logan...I wasn't sure what to think of him. I was intrigued, because he was so quiet. He was very cute, blushing whenever I looked at him, and he kept putting his foot in his mouth, and then he'd blush more, and-"

"Just talking about him now, you can't stop smiling."

James grinned, blushing a tad himself. "He has that effect on me. But then I saw him with Kendall and Carlos, and he was laughing, and I wanted to see more of that. I kept trying to get him to relax, he was so uptight."

"And Mike and Jerry?"

"Mike just seemed like this awesome, hot guy. He was athletic, he had a great smile, he seemed like the kind of guy who would run into a burning building to save a dog."

"Which is accurate, considering he's a fireman."

"True. But it was obvious even in the beginning, he's just got that lovable personality that makes you feel safe. He's a lot like Kendall in that, actually."

"And Jerry?"

"Jerry." James sighed. "Jerry probably should've been sent home the first night, but I wasn't thinking with my brain when it came to him. That was our biggest problem, I never was."

"It wasn't obvious to the other contestants, but watching the show they saw just how close you and Jerry were."

"Physically," James emphasized. "He attacked me the first night, and I didn't fight it, and it kept escalating every time we were alone together. He was like the guys I slept with before coming on the show, knew exactly how to touch me."

"I imagine that was difficult for Logan to watch."

Nodding, James said, "I had to warn him first. I came clean about everything with Logan, because he was going to watch me making out with all these other guys and I knew it would be hard on him. I'd have been raging if it was me watching him. He handled it pretty well, though, because after each episode I'd spend the night reminding him it was _him_ I chose and _him_ I'd choose again. Jerry was the one he had the hardest time watching me with, because he'd had no clue it was that intense between us."

"Let's talk about that for a moment. You came pretty close to crossing the line with Jerry on numerous occasions, and all without even having a one-on-one date with him. Why did you wait until Rio for that date?"

"Because Jerry...how can I explain it? I knew what we had going was purely physical. I fooled myself for a while, thinking it was more, but I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. As the weeks progressed, I started feeling more and more pressured by him and didn't want to be alone with him, because he pushed it further each time we were. And it was getting harder for me to be with anyone besides Logan at that point."

"True, you didn't seem to have a problem actually stopping with anyone except Logan."

"I had a few intense moments with Kendall, and of course Jerry got pretty far with me, but Logan's the only one I needed intervention with. When he kisses me...everything else disappears. It was like that from the first kiss, I forgot who I was and where I was and all that mattered was making sure it never stopped. It scared me."

"So how was that different from Jerry or Kendall? You seemed to lose control with them, as well."

"With them I never forgot the situation, never forgot that I would have to stop. I always had my wits about me, to a degree. Logan...I can't explain it. He's amazing. He owned more than just my body; he owned my heart the first time he kissed me." James grinned when the audience melted.

"And they're off," Chris chuckled. "So Carlos gets the rose on that first night."

"Yes! Carlos was fun. That guy always makes me laugh, no matter what. He makes me feel like a kid again. I love that feeling, and I knew he was someone I wanted to keep around."

"On that first night, if you could've predicted who the final two would be..."

"I would've said Kendall and Carlos. And I would've been right, only not the way I thought."

"Let's look at the next week. Kendall gets the one-on-one date and you're in heaven."

"I was! It was my dream come true, Chris! Kendall Knight on a romantic date with me? Plus I got to hang out with him at a game? It was surreal, I couldn't believe I was alone with Kendall Knight. The only problem was he already had a bad image of me, so it took a while to wear him down."

"But you did."

"Eventually, yeah. I fell so hard for him and it killed me that he didn't even want to give me a chance. But he did, and it was a great date."

"And the next day everything changed for you."

James looked down at his lap, a smirk on his face. "Yeah."

"Carlos got a little extra attention, which we know upset the other guys, but it was Logan they should've been worried about."

A tiny smile at his lips, James looked up. "I was fine until we kissed. I'd never experienced anything like that before. One simple kiss...it changed my life."

"What made it so different from any other kiss you've ever had?"

Shrugging, James shook his head. "It just felt different. I never wanted it to end. It consumed me."

"And scared you."

"Definitely. I didn't understand what I was feeling, I just knew...he was different. But it wasn't just the kiss. We'd talked a few times before that, and he made me feel...good about myself. He asked about me and encouraged me and didn't judge me, and made me feel like a good person. Plus he didn't gush over me, just treated me like a normal guy. And I'd been dying to kiss him since the first night, but I was afraid to try."

"Why? Wasn't he there to kiss you?"

"Yes, but...here's the thing about Logan. I spent almost every second of my time with Logan terrified he would disappear. He seemed too good to be true. I felt like if I pushed too hard, he'd go running. To me he was like a butterfly, you want to catch it but you get too close and it flies away. That was my feeling about him the entire time up until he left. I was so afraid to chase him away."

"And yet we saw at one point you telling him not to treat your time together that way, as if it was your last."

"That's because he was acting the way I was feeling. Like he was planning to leave. I hated that, hated fearing he would show up one day to tell me he was leaving. Especially after I found out about Caroline, I knew he had a good reason to leave. The day he came to my room in Rio..." James shivered. "I don't even like to think about it."

"I was there, you were terrified."

"I thought he was leaving. I knew by that time I was in love, that he was all I ever needed, and I lived in fear of him disappearing."

"When did you know, James?"

"I knew he was special when we kissed. If I had to go back to a moment when I knew I was in love...I'd say our first date. We were sitting on the beach talking, and he said that Caroline's laugh is his favorite sound in the world. I can't tell you why, but that was the moment I fell in love. That was the moment I knew I couldn't live without him and that I'd do anything to hold on to him."

"Yet you let him walk away without really putting up a fight." James bit his lip, and Chris said, "But we'll get to that. Going back to the beginning, your next date was with Carlos. The fish incident."

"Oh god, did you have to bring that up?"

"Of course I did," Chris laughed. "The date with Carlos seemed to go well."

"It was great. We had fun, and he made me hot dogs, and even though we got rained out, there was a nice time in the tent."

"At that point he was still a contender, then?"

"Carlos was always a contender. He's a great guy, and Kendall's very lucky. He's just not the guy for me."

"What did you wish for on that shooting star?"

James smiled, thinking back. "For a chance with Logan. And I know that's wrong, I was on a date with Carlos and shouldn't have been thinking about Logan, but...I couldn't help it."

"It came true, then."

"Sure did." Eyes sparkling, James glanced around at the audience. "I know, we're sappy."

Continuing on, Chris said, "One thing that came up during that date was the fact that everyone seemed to have an image of you that you didn't like. They were surprised that you had feelings."

"I know! That hit me hard, because while I tried to maintain a certain image, I never knew I was putting off these asshole-oops, am I allowed to say that?"

The audience laughed and Chris said, "We'll bleep it. Go on."

"Well, I never knew I was putting off these vibes. When I went home for a few days I asked Lana about that and she said the guys were right, that I came off like that in interviews and stuff. That I acted like I didn't care about anyone but myself. Carlos, Kendall, and Logan were the first people to actually show me that, and it hit me hard."

"Did that cause you to change your behavior at all?"

"Uh..." James considered that. "Not really. The ones who mattered to me had already seen that there was a good side of me, so that's what I cared about."

"After that was Arizona. What prompted you to make Kevin and Logan trade places on that raft? Kendall thought it was jealousy, was he right?"

"Pretty much, yeah. I couldn't get it out of my head that Kendall and Logan were close, and I kept seeing Kendall reassure Logan. I knew Logan was scared and I hated that he went to Kendall instead of me."

"So there was no jealousy over Kendall? It was all Logan?"

"It was a little of both. Logan needed me more, though, so I made him come up with me. I wanted him to know I could keep him safe, too. And we ended up having a blast together," James grinned.

"After the rafting adventure, you had time alone with the guys. You took Kendall off alone, and the two of you ended up arguing."

"Kendall and I were always arguing," James chuckled.

"Why is that?"

"Because he has to challenge everything. And there were things I couldn't talk about, or maybe didn't want to talk about, and he'd push it. Every damn time. All I ever wanted to do was kiss him, but he kept bringing up things that made us argue. He couldn't just enjoy the moment."

"And then you went with Logan. What were you feeling at that point?"

"I was so nervous. I mean, here's this amazing guy, so smart and gorgeous and way out of my league, but he seemed to at least like kissing me. And he didn't make me feel dumb. I tried to relax and it felt natural, it always felt natural with Logan even though I was nervous. Every time I talked to him I fell a little harder, never wanted our moments together to end."

"Why did it bother you so much that the three of them were so close and shared everything with each other? Was that jealousy?"

"A little, but only in the way that I wasn't part of that. You have no idea how much I envied them! I knew they shared a room and I kept picturing them all laying awake into the night talking, maybe even cuddled up together, and while that killed me, I wanted to be a part of it. I never had that, never had close friends, and those guys had each other. I went home alone every night, couldn't even call someone if I wanted to. I hated that, hated that they were forming this legendary friendship without me."

"Later Kendall brought that up, told you they would welcome you into that no matter how it turned out. Did that help?"

"That made it all bearable. I was afraid to believe it, because I thought it was an impossible dream. How could they stay friends once I rejected two of them? And if they could, did that mean I didn't matter as much as I should've? And how would that be for me, having to see the other two once I'd sent them away? I didn't see how it could work, but it meant a lot to me that I was...invited into the club, so to speak."

Chris nodded. "And after the picnic, Logan's horse had a tumble and once again, your world shifted. Suddenly there was a new factor in your relationship with Logan."

"Caroline," James smiled.

"I imagine that was a huge shock?"

"Yeah, just a little," James laughed. "But suddenly it all made sense, Logan's detachment. He was the only one who wasn't really trying to win me, who seemed like he'd be fine with going home. I mean, Kendall had his moments too, but with Logan...I kept feeling like there was something else going on. And there was."

"What was your initial reaction? Was it to send him home?"

"Are you kidding? By that time I was in too deep. Mostly I was just in shock, and then I asked about her and learned a little, and all I could think was 'I'm not capable of being a father. I would screw her up so bad.' I was scared. I figured she'd be better off without me, but then the thought of never seeing Logan again...that scared me even more."

"And things went downhill from there. You two got into a heated argument at the party afterward."

"There was so much going through my head. I was spinning. Here I'd already been thinking Logan might be the one, but I was afraid he'd leave. I wanted to hold on but I didn't know how to keep his attention. I felt unworthy. I was always in competition with Jane, at least in my head, and how could I compete with that? Then I found out about Caroline and it was even worse. I was so damn scared, Chris. Of him leaving, of me not being good enough, of him choosing Kendall over me-"

"You were honestly afraid of that?"

"Of course! How could I compare to Kendall Knight? They spent almost every waking moment together, and seeing them together that day...I realized just how close they were. So I've got all that going through my head, and then Caroline happens, and I took out my fear on Logan. I felt a little like he'd betrayed me by not telling me sooner, but mostly I was scared. And then he automatically assumed I would send him home, and that was it. I snapped. I hate people making assumptions about me. He assumed and I just...in that moment, it seemed like it was best to send him home. His daughter needed him, I could tell he missed her like crazy, and I couldn't imagine that I would ever be a good father. I was overwhelmed. And then Kendall came to his rescue, and that was it. I was done. I kind of gave up in that moment, decided if they were meant to be, I shouldn't stand in their way because loving Logan was so...hard."

"Love isn't always easy, James."

James nodded, a corner of his mouth turning up. "I'm aware of that now."

"The next night you had a change of heart."

"I was ready to set him free. I figured once he was gone I could try with Kendall and see if there was something there or if his heart was with Logan. And if it was, there was Carlos."

"What changed your mind?"

James shrugged, sitting back in the chair. "I don't know. I hadn't slept well, I was feeling drained and exasperated, and Kendall was there for me. At the cocktail party, he made me feel better, but I kept seeing Logan. Every time I did, my heart just screamed for him. I didn't want to let him go. We'd kissed...what? Three times maybe? And when we were about to start the ceremony, I had this moment where I pictured it, him walking up to say goodbye. I pictured his face when I didn't give him a rose. And I just...I couldn't do it, not unless he wanted me to. I left it up to him."

"We now know that he was resigned to leaving. Had you sent him home, he would've gone without regret."

"I know. That kills me when I think about it, how close I came to losing him. So many times I almost lost him."

"But you asked what he wanted, and he chose to stay for you. Did that help calm your fears somewhat?"

"Yes. I think it helped both of us, because it meant a lot to him to know I wanted him to stay."

"And things got easier between you two after that?"

"Yeah, no more secrets, and we both knew we were feeling things. It gave me hope."

"Your next date was a group one, in San Francisco," Chris coached. "You and Kendall had a pretty intense talk on the Ferris wheel, in which you accused him of that fear, of wanting more than friendship with Logan."

"I had to know for sure, because I was falling hard for Logan, but if they wanted to be together, it was better to know before I fell any harder for either of them."

"And Kendall set your fears to rest?"

"He did, actually. When he talked to me about his ex-boyfriend, I understood why he had feelings for me, because until then I couldn't understand how he could find me worthy."

"You didn't seem to have self-esteem issues with any of them except Kendall and Logan. Why is that?"

Shrugging, James said, "I guess because they seemed so high above me. In different ways. I felt they could do so much better. Not that the other guys weren't great, but those two...I kind of put up on a pedestal, I guess."

"Kendall mentioned at one point later that you seemed almost clingy with him at times. Why him and no one else?"

"Because Kendall..." James sighed, trying to figure out how to explain it. "Carlos would probably understand this. Kendall puts off this vibe that he'll take care of you no matter what. You feel safe around him. When I was scared about the future or feeling like I wanted to pull my hair out, it was Kendall I ran to. He makes you feel like everything's gonna be okay."

"Logan doesn't?"

"Logan would agree with me completely on this. And of course I feel safe with Logan, but in our relationship I'm the one who takes care of everyone. Well...that's not true, either. It's hard to explain. As far as day-to-day things like cooking and cleaning and making sure everyone's taken care of, Logan's the one who does that. I'm the strong one, though, more the father figure in our family. I hope he doesn't take offense at this, but he's more the mom. It's more of a balanced thing. Kendall is just a natural leader who steps forward and makes sure everyone's safe. And there was no one else like that for me. I understood exactly why Carlos and Logan gravitated to him, why he was the glue that held them together. He's the glue for all of us now, even though we hardly see each other. Kendall and I talk all the time, he's always there when I need him. He's there for all of us."

"Let's touch briefly on your first date with Logan," Chris said, moving on. "You two had some deep talks."

"We had to. There was a lot to cover, and I wanted to know everything I could about Caroline and about Logan's life. I needed to understand what I was getting into."

"Instead of chasing you away, it only made you fall harder?"

"Yeah. I know Logan was scared it would go the opposite way, but hearing about Caroline and understanding how strong he'd been through everything with Jane, having him open up to me like that...God, I never wanted to let anyone else have this man. He was amazing."

"And the attraction was definitely there."

"Most definitely," James grinned. "We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Still have that problem, you know."

"Good to hear," Chris smiled. "By the time you all went to Hawaii, you'd made your choice, hadn't you?"

"Yes. I knew in San Francisco he was the one. At that point I was just worried about keeping him. I was still scared he would leave, no matter how much he felt for me."

"There was a moment where Kendall and Logan disappeared from the luau together. Did that worry you at all?"

"Not once Ryan explained what happened. He told me Logan got jealous and took off, and that Kendall had gone after him. That fit right in line with their friendship, and I loved that Logan was jealous."

"Why did you like it when Logan was jealous, but not the other guys?"

"Because it was Logan. It was proof that he was feeling what I was, that the thought of me with anyone else was killing him. I loved that. I'm a jealous person by nature, so I understood exactly what he was feeling."

"On that date it was also brought up that you and Ryan weren't very physical together. We know that on your dates alone with him, the two of you held hands and that you had your arm around him a lot, and you did kiss him goodnight. Why the lack of affection in front of others?"

"It wasn't so much that it was in front of others, it was that the spark wasn't there. I hate to say this, but since I'm pretty sure he feels the same way I will. When I kissed Ryan it was like kissing a friend. With most of the other guys, I'd be around them and feel that attraction, that pull to touch them. With him I never really did. We got along really well, but I couldn't imagine making out with him."

"Yet he still lasted until the final four."

"Because I liked him so much. I couldn't bear to send him away until I had to."

Nodding, Chris continued. "Then came Las Vegas and the big blow-up, which we've talked about. When you had your date with Kendall, though, you already knew it was Logan you were going to propose to. Yet you were asking Kendall about his family and kids and his plans for the future."

"I was pretty sure I'd be meeting his family at that point. I knew he would be one of the top four. As for the future...again, as horrible as it sounds, I was still afraid Logan would disappear. Carlos and Kendall both know all this now, we've talked about it, and they don't hold it against me that they were...back-ups, so to speak. But you have to remember the situation I was in. It didn't matter that I'd already made my decision. I couldn't just propose to Logan on the spot and send everyone else away even if I'd wanted to. The contest had to go on until the end, no matter what. And they drilled it into my head day and night, to keep up the suspense and to not show too much favoritism toward one guy even if I already knew who I wanted. It's a television show, and that's the bottom line. At the very end I think we all said 'screw it' to that, we didn't care anymore, but at that point I was still being commanded to show equal interest in everyone. Which I'm horrible at where Logan's concerned. Everyone knew he was my favorite, though I tried not to show it so much around the other guys."

"You failed, James," Chris smirked. "Miserably."

"Yeah, I know," James laughed. "But I tried."

"I think everyone watching wanted to know where you and Logan disappeared to on your group date."

"Oh, that? We uh...got away for a few minutes."

"Uh huh. So Kevin was right? The two of you were hiding out somewhere 'enjoying each others' company?'"

"Chris, come on! The love of my life here! I was going crazy after our date, I was desperate to be alone with him again, and I kept thinking he would leave and I had to take advantage of every moment with him I could! He tried to fight it, didn't want to come after me, but I kept hinting at it so he finally gave in."

"And then you sent Kevin and Dave home because they insinuated that you were being played."

"You saw what happened. I knew by that point the guys weren't sleeping together, but I guess there was always that tiny sliver of fear it could happen. Kevin and Dave spent more time with them than I did, and I couldn't help but wonder what I was missing. They still could've saved themselves, though, if they hadn't made it worse once I got them alone."

"By continuing to accuse you of playing favorites."

"Well, I was. They were right about that. But they kept insisting I was blind to what was right in front of me. They wouldn't let up, and when they started yelling at me that I should just send them home, I did. I wasn't gonna deal with that."

"But James, they were jealous. Just like Logan."

"Logan never made me feel bad for spending time with the other guys. He understood that's how the game was played. Even though it killed him more than the rest, he put up with it. Most of the time."

"You're thinking of the ceremony in Rio, where he stormed out."

James grinned. "Yeah. But I pushed that, so I don't blame him."

"You did it on purpose?"

"It was a test for him and Kendall. They both passed."

"How so?"

"I wanted to know that Kendall would put his feelings for me before his feelings for everyone else. He was uncomfortable, but he allowed it. I also wanted to know that Logan had made a claim on me in his heart, even if he couldn't do it outwardly yet. We'd shared something special on our date, and I needed to know it meant the same thing to him that it did to me."

"But your date in Rio ended early. In fact, you two disappeared from the camera at one point, and then when you came back you ended the date. That baffled the viewers and everyone else, who'd thought the date went well."

"The date went beautifully. It was the best day of my life up to that point."

"So what went wrong that you ended it early?"

James bit his lip and looked at his hands, finally hedging, "We had some things to take care of and needed to get back to the hotel early."

"You never gave him a rose." Lifting an eyebrow, Chris said, "Somehow he had one at the ceremony, though."

Finally James smiled. "Let's just say our date didn't end when I kissed him goodnight at the room. The show's over now, I can say that."

"Ah. So there _was_ more we didn't get to see."

"Like I said. Best night of my life."

Chris smirked. "Now while all this was going on, Kendall and Carlos had their own stolen moment on their outing with Mike and Ryan. You had no idea the two of them had kissed, right?"

"No way. You didn't even know, did you?"

"No, I just found out tonight. Logan didn't know, either?"

"Nope. They kept that from everyone until the end."

"Had you known then, would you have sent them home?"

James opened his mouth and then hesitated. "I...you know what? At that point? Yes. I think I would have. Because I had already decided on Logan and if I'd known they were fighting feelings for each other, I would've let them go to explore that. Definitely."

"Even though you still had feelings for both of them?"

"Chris...here's the thing you have to understand. I had feelings for _all_ of them. My four favorites were of course Ryan, Logan, Kendall, and Carlos. I loved each of them in different ways, and they were all special to me. With Ryan, he's the guy I could talk to for hours, who understood things about me nobody else does, who's just a really nice guy to hang out with. Carlos, he was the fun one. I could be a kid, relax and laugh, just let go and enjoy life, and he let me spoil him, which was great. He's like the brother I never had. With Kendall there was definitely a physical attraction-"

"I don't think anybody could argue that."

"No," James laughed. "He's hot, he was able to match me sexually, he made me feel safe, and he was the romantic guy I'd always dreamed of having one day even though I swore I'd never settle down. But then there's Logan. And Logan...he's basically all of that rolled into one. He satisfies me on every level. The thing is, all of those guys are amazing, and I love them to death. But you put them in a room with Logan? Everyone else disappears. Every single one of them. He steps into a room and there's no one else. I would've sent everyone away for Logan. And if that sounds horrible, I don't care." His voice softened as he added, "He's the love of my life."

The audience of course ate that up, the chorus of "aww" almost deafening. James shrugged. "It's true."

Chris nodded. "Okay, I think everyone would kill me if I didn't ask about Jerry. Other than the proposal, that was probably the most dramatic moment of the entire season. It's the first time we've ever seen the Bachelor punch one of the contestants," Chris chuckled.

"God, Jerry. What a nightmare that was." James rubbed a hand over his face. "But he deserved it."

"Oh, no question. I think my favorite part was Rich, our cameraman, putting the camera down to deck him when he came at you again."

James cracked up. "Rich is the best. That guy saved me so many times."

"So what went wrong? You two were on your date, you spent the day walking the streets of Rio-"

"I knew better than to take him somewhere we'd be alone. He kept trying to get me alone, too, but I knew an hour into it he was going home."

"Because he was so aggressive?"

"That, and I'd realized by then he wasn't at all the kind of man I wanted. He was bored with our date, which I honestly don't blame him for, as I made sure to keep him around other people, and that whole date dragged for me. I just wanted to get through dinner and send him home."

"Why didn't you end it early, then? You could've."

"I don't know, I guess I felt bad. He seemed to really like me and I wanted to make sure I wasn't making a mistake."

"So you had dinner, it was a little awkward, and he was getting annoyed."

"He knew. I know he knew, and he was trying to change my mind. It wasn't working, though. And after dinner I made the mistake of taking him somewhere private to tell him it wasn't going to work and that I was sending him home."

"He got belligerent."

"He did. He started yelling at me that I didn't give him a chance, that if I could look away from Logan and Kendall for five minutes he could show me what I was missing, and when he started insulting Logan that was it."

"Still, you tried to do the right thing and handle it with class."

"Yeah, but he wouldn't stop. When I told him he had to leave, he attacked me, like if he could just fu—uh...have sex with me, that would change my mind. And he was big. I'm a big guy myself, but he was _really_ big and at first I was able to fight him off, but then he overpowered me."

"You did manage to deck him, though."

"Finally, after he had me on the ground. Thank God Rich was there, because I fought Jerry off and punched him, and that really pissed him off so when he came back at me Rich and I double-teamed him. Knocked him unconscious and then I don't know what happened. The limo took him away."

"I can tell you what happened. When he arrived back at the hotel, he was informed that he'd broken the contract and was being flown home on the next flight to the U.S. If he didn't like that, the producers offered the other option of being turned over to the authorities for attempted rape."

"Oh, really?" James beamed. "Nice!"

"Obviously he chose to be flown home and out of the contest entirely." Continuing on, Chris said, "It was a bad ending to a bad date, but you managed to go to bed on a happy note anyway, didn't you?"

"I did." A huge grin on his face, James said, "I'd already hoped to get back early enough to meet with the producers, and once they were done dealing with Jerry, which is what I assume they kept me waiting for, I sat down with them and begged for the proposal location to be changed."

"To Australia."

"To Australia," James agreed. "I wanted to surprise Logan."

"You hadn't even been on your second date with Logan yet."

"No, but like I said. I knew it would be him. I'd already adopted the kangaroo and he kept hounding me about Australia, and..." James shrugged. "Anything for Logan and Caroline."

"The first time you talked to her on the phone, what was that like?"

"Wow. It was...wow. She was this real thing, this adorable little girl and when I called her princess and she asked me to come be her prince...you have kids. You know what it's like."

"Yes," Chris nodded. "I do."

"There's nothing else like it. I wanted to be her hero. I didn't think I was capable or even close to worthy, but I wanted to try so bad. I'd never wanted to be a father before, never really considered it as something I could do, not until I met Logan. But those two...they're my whole world."

"I know you've been in hiding for the past few months while waiting for the show to air, so you haven't done any modeling at all. Have you been with them the whole time?"

"Every single day. I put the L.A. house up for sale today, and we're putting the Wisconsin house up for sale next week. We couldn't move until the final show aired."

"Where are you moving to?"

"We bought a big place in New York, plenty of room for Diamond and Fame."

"New York? Is that a coincidence?"

"It's not," James smiled. "We wanted to be close to Kendall and Carlos, and even though Kendall will only be there some of the time during hockey season, it's become his home."

"So indeed, the friendship has survived."

"The friendship is better than ever."

"Okay, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. Let's get back on track," Chris coaxed. "Las Vegas. The pool party. You seemed ready to crack that night, and the guys were all aware of it and doing what they could to help themselves."

"Crack how?" James asked with a frown.

"The dancing. Everyone was all over you and you weren't fighting it."

"Oh." Blushing, James sat back some and cleared his throat. "Yeah, that was a bad night. I was ready to...well. I was going crazy. Logan knew it and rescued me, knew I was having trouble controlling myself."

"You call that a rescue, James? The two of you ended up going at it in the pool."

"Well, he tried, okay? Everyone thought he was just jealous, but he knew how I could get and tried to help. Unfortunately I discovered that he was jealous, and that only made me hotter."

"Because it was Logan."

"Exactly."

"A little later Kendall expressed some jealousy to you and that was not welcome, though."

"It's not that it wasn't welcome, I did like hearing that because it meant he was putting my feelings over theirs. But for him to be jealous of Logan...he had every right to be. I couldn't say that, though. I got defensive because he was right to be jealous of Logan and I couldn't flat-out say 'Yeah, he's the one I want, get over it.' Part of me wanted to, but at the same time I dreaded hurting Kendall. I did love him."

"You mentioned that night that kissing him was one of your favorite things. Still, that didn't compare to Logan?"

"Not once I'd kissed Logan, no. Kendall is a great kisser, but...you know. It always comes back to Logan. I can't help that."

"After you spoke with Carlos, you directed him to send you anyone but Kendall. Why was that?"

"Because I was so horny! Sorry, I know that's not something you should talk about on prime time television, but I was! And I knew that if Kendall got in there at that moment I'd attack him."

"What about Logan?"

"I had no fear of Logan coming in there. He knew better and waited a while, though he did bring me food." James smiled. "That was so sweet. I love that about him."

"You don't think that was just to check up on you? His insane jealousy?"

"No, I honestly believe he was worried about me not eating. That's just how Logan is. He didn't stay more than a minute."

"When he did go in there, though, you finally had your first encounter with Caroline."

"Yes." Grinning, James said, "We talked about _The Lion King_. And I promised her I'd teach her how to do flips. And she asked me to be her prince."

"You know, you light up when you talk about her. Her and Logan both."

"Of course I do. That's my family."

"That didn't scare you at all? Knowing she was real?"

"It scared the crap out of me, Chris! I told you, I was terrified I'd ruin her somehow. But it also made me want to meet her. I wished we could just fast-forward the next few weeks until I could get there."

"And after that you and Logan had your first argument about her, about what would become one of your biggest issues: you making her promises you might not fulfill."

"But I knew I would fulfill them. Every single thing I ever promised that little girl, I intended to come through on."

"Logan didn't know that, though, right? He was thinking you could send him home at any minute."

"But I knew. That was enough."

"For you, maybe, but Logan had no way of knowing that. Now that you've lived with her for a while, do you have a better understanding of his fears?"

"Yeah, I do, but...there was never any doubt in my mind. I couldn't tell him that, but he was the one and I knew in my heart I would fulfill all of those promises. It was so hard keeping that to myself, so many times I wanted to just blurt it out, tell him I loved him and that I wanted to spend my life with him. But I couldn't."

Chris moved them on again. "Next stop was back in L.A. You had your one-on-one with Mike, which you seemed to enjoy."

"We had a blast. Every date I went on after my first with Logan was with the knowledge that I wasn't going to end up with anyone else. So I tried to make the rest of the dates fun for everyone, enjoyed spending time with them while I could because I knew it would be Logan in the end. Unless he left, and in that case there was always Kendall. Again, that sounds horrible, I know, but..." Shrugging, James said, "We've talked that out and there are no hard feelings."

"Your next one-on-one date was with Carlos. You made all of his dreams come true in one day, I believe."

"That was my goal. I couldn't get him The Fonz, though. I really wanted to."

The audience laughed, Chris shaking his head. "So through all of this, you say you knew it was Logan."

"Yes."

"But you still kept the guys' hopes up on each date. On this one, for example, Carlos returned from it feeling like he was the one for you. I understand your position, having seen countless Bachelors go through this same thing, and it's tough. You guys are expected to keep your feelings a secret and make sure each contestant believes she, or _he _in this case, has a shot. But that's how hearts get broken."

"I'm not proud of it, and I didn't like hurting anyone. Especially Carlos, that killed me. But it's like you said, I didn't really have a choice. I'd put myself in that position and they coached me constantly about that, and...yeah. You make the time as wonderful as you can with each guy. That's what I did on that date with Carlos. I enjoyed his company and made sure he had the time of his life."

"What you didn't know, James, that you probably know now, is that Kendall and Carlos had begun sharing a bed at that point. Had you entered the room to find that, what would have been your reaction?"

"Oh, that. Uh..." James took a moment to think back. "I don't think it would've gone over well. Yes, I was dating all of them, but they were there for _me_. I get it now, seeing Kendall and Carlos together and knowing how they are, I understand why they did it, but at that point in time...I probably would've ended up sending them home that week. For the same reason I mentioned before, because I would've realized that their focus was on each other and they should explore that."

"After all, you had Logan, right?"

"You don't have to make me sound like a jerk, Chris."

"I'm not, James, but we're here tonight to explain your side of the story. And that would be your argument, right? You could safely send them away because you had Logan."

"I guess, but I was also very much encouraged to _keep_ Kendall and Carlos."

"Because you did have strong feelings for them. And it would keep the viewers interested."

"Exactly. If I'd sent them home and been left with Logan and only a few other guys that weren't Kendall and Carlos, people would've stopped watching. They would've known who the winner would be. But still, I would've sent home Kendall and Carlos if I'd known they had feelings for each other."

"Even though that was Carlos' biggest fear?"

"Yes," James nodded. "He would've had Kendall and been fine."

"In the end, though, you hated to do it because sending him home meant you had Kendall."

"Yeah." Looking down, James said softly, "I hated to do that to him. I knew at least that Kendall was a type of security blanket for him, only because he was the same for me and Logan. But in L.A. I still had Logan, so he would've had Kendall to console him."

"Something that was brought up over and over, though not to you, was whether or not you would allow Kendall and Carlos to remain such close friends if you chose one of them. The cuddling, the sharing a bed, that sort of thing. If you'd in fact ended up proposing to Kendall, would you have allowed that between them?"

"Absolutely not. I expect my husband to come to me when he's scared, to cuddle with me and no one else. That's not negotiable."

"Yet you just said that Kendall is a security blanket for Logan."

"I said _was_. I don't care what they did before Logan and I got engaged, he had every right to find comfort with Kendall when he didn't belong to me. But the moment he did, that all changed. He's mine now. Nobody touches him."

There was silence in the room other than a few whispers among the crowd, but James didn't care. He knew he sounded like a jealous husband but that was, in fact, basically what he was. "Logan understands my feelings perfectly," James finally said.

"Speaking of Logan, you two had quite a moment at the cocktail party the next night."

"Are you gonna badger me about that? Chris, you have no idea how hard it was to keep myself from running away with Logan. All I ever wanted to do was be alone with him, to shut out the world and have him to myself."

"But when you got him alone, that's when things would always escalate."

"I couldn't help it! I told you how it is with him, I kiss him and nothing else exists. And then that night he begged me and how was I supposed to just stop or walk away? Thank God they didn't air everything that happened in that room, I was pretty sure they wouldn't, but yeah—we took it a little too far. I don't regret any of it."

"Okay, let's talk about Kendall. You almost sent him home that night, even though he was the biggest contender other than Logan. Why was that?"

"Because even though I didn't know what was going on between Kendall and Carlos, I knew his focus wasn't on me. I sensed that. On our date in Vegas, things were good. And that's the thing about Kendall. When we were alone, it was great. Get him around others, and I suddenly wasn't the main attraction. I'm not saying I expect to be the only thing that matters, but in a situation like that, I should've come first. I did with everyone else, but not Kendall. I knew his heart wasn't where it was supposed to be."

"But in the end you gave him a rose."

"I wasn't ready to give up on him yet. I was close, but not quite there. You know...security blanket and all," James laughed.

"And then came Rio."

"Rio." James chuckled. "Everything went crazy in Rio."

"It started with a visit from Kendall, in which he rededicated himself to you."

"Yeah. I thought he was coming to tell me he'd decided to leave."

"That seemed to shake you up."

"It did! Like I said, I wasn't ready to lose him. I still feared Logan would disappear, and if that happened, I would need Kendall more than ever. The funny thing is, I always felt like if Logan did disappear, and I did end up needing Kendall, that would solve the problem of me not being his focus. Because he seemed to gravitate toward those who needed him most. So once Logan did, in fact, leave, it was Kendall I ran to, and he reacted exactly how I knew he would. He was there for me."

"He was trying to get over Carlos at that point."

"I didn't know that, though. He was there for me, that's all I knew. And he always would be."

"You made sure Kendall knew what was expected of you, though, as far as dedication and loyalty."

"In Rio, you mean? Yeah. I was torn, I wanted to keep him around, but if he wasn't going to change, then it was best he went home. I knew I didn't have any dates left with him until hometown and so in that little time we did have together, which was almost nothing, I had to make sure he understood what I expected of him."

"Here's something I was wondering," Chris tossed out. "Because I watched you from the beginning and I noticed things on playback. With Kendall and Jerry, there was a physical attraction for sure. On dates or even just stolen moments at cocktail parties, you managed to kiss them plenty. After San Francisco, though, and your date with Logan, your physical interactions with the other guys began to wane. You went from kissing everyone when you could to only giving goodnight kisses and sometimes, as in the case with Carlos in Las Vegas, you discouraged the physical advances. How much of that was due to Logan and your feeling that he had a claim on you?"

"Uh...all of it, basically. Kendall and Jerry, I had a hard time resisting them because physically, yeah—there was a lot of attraction. Up until Rio, I was still able to not let it bother me too much. On my second date with Kendall, we kissed plenty. There was definitely the attraction. All the other guys, though...even Mike. When I kissed them I felt wrong. After Rio I knew I was in trouble, because Logan and I had bonded so completely that I couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone else. We still had overnight dates coming up and I didn't know how I was gonna do it, when I could hardly stand to kiss anyone else. Kendall was the only one who could get me even close to that, and even with him I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't shown on the show, but when I visited his family we had a moment together that I stopped. I was testing myself to see if I could go through with it, and I couldn't. All I kept seeing was Logan's face. It pissed me off, in a way, but it also showed me I was on the right track."

"So by the time you had your date with Jerry, were you even attracted to him?"

"Not really, no. It was getting harder and harder to even kiss anyone besides Logan, and when Jerry kept trying to push things all it did was make me mad."

"So you had that nightmare of a date, and then the next day you had Logan."

James' lips curved into a smile. "All to myself. It was fantastic."

"Well, you did share him with Caroline that morning."

"I did! We had another phone call, and I was going crazy wanting to meet her. She was so excited about her animal parade and riding Sunshine and watching movies with me and I just...God, I love that kid. I wanted to fly Logan home right then and there and spend the day with them."

"Instead you spent the day with Logan alone, and the two of you fell more in love."

"It was magical. That whole day was magical, Chris. He told me he loved me. I'd sensed it, but hearing it...I wanted to tell him so bad, it killed me that I couldn't."

"I think you two found a way to communicate that to each other anyway."

"We found a lot of ways to communicate that to each other. Still, he kept talking like it was never gonna happen again, and begging for just one perfect night with me."

"We've seen what happens when Logan begs you for something."

Blushing, James nodded. "Yeah, Caroline's not the only one I can't say no to."

"So after you took him back to his room, there was...a part two to the date?"

"Something like that," James hedged.

"How did you manage it without anyone knowing?"

"I'm not answering that. I'm sorry."

"Can you at least share with us what the night entailed?"

"We fell more in love. We shared new experiences. I never wanted the night to end. There's not much more to say."

Chris tilted his head. "You are probably the Bachelor who has shared the least with me. I'm not offended, I know you're that kind of guy who keeps things to himself, but it was hard for me because usually they don't have anyone else to talk to, so they come to me."

"I'm sorry, I bonded with Rich. The guy was with me everywhere I went and he became like a brother to me. If it hadn't been for him, I probably would've gone crazy."

"Or talked to me."

"Or talked to you," James agreed with a laugh.

"So the next day, Logan came to me and asked to speak with you. I immediately feared he was going home, and it was obvious you were afraid of the same thing."

"Oh my god. Don't even remind me."

"You were shaking, James."

"I was...after the night we'd had? More in love than ever, and he comes to me out of the blue and all I could think was if I lost him, I didn't know what I'd do."

"Even Rich was worried."

"I know! I was so pissed at Logan for scaring me like that."

"But he only wanted you to call Caroline with him."

"Thank God. It's weird, because he did end up leaving later, and I survived it, but when he came to me that day I felt like I'd die if he left."

"Did you feel that way when he did leave?"

"I was numb when he left. I felt like..." James shook his head, eyes downcast. "I can't even talk about it. I know you're going to ask me about it but I can't even...that was the worst time of my entire life. I'd finally found what I was looking for, without even know how badly I'd wanted it. I had everything. And it was suddenly gone. I wanted to die, Chris. That night, after Logan left, I literally wanted to die. Rich didn't leave me alone the whole night."

"I imagine that was hard for Logan to see you like that, because even though you weren't filmed too much after Logan left, Rich did get you talking a little for the camera the next morning. It wasn't a pretty sight."

"They made him. He didn't want to, but they made him force me to talk about it. I didn't even want to get out of bed that day."

"But you did, for your date with Kendall. As you'd predicted, you ran to Kendall."

"There was a show to put on. I didn't have a choice. And yeah—I ran to Kendall."

"Once again, we're jumping ahead. After Rio was the hometown week. You went to New York first, to visit Carlos, and you seemed to have a good time with him."

"Of course, it's Carlos," James laughed. "Told you, I always have a good time with him."

"He was nervous to have you meet his family, very afraid they would chase you away."

"His family's great, he had nothing to worry about. Though his dad did scare the living daylights out of me a few times. He thought it was funny."

"So did our viewers," Chris chuckled. "Even then, though, as you no doubt saw when the show aired, Carlos was having a tough time concentrating on anything but Kendall."

"Yeah, he said something once, called a doll 'Kendall' at one point...that was weird. I think that was probably my first inkling that there was maybe something there. And then when he was wanting me to pass on that message, like he was afraid Kendall wouldn't want to see him again. I was lost, I thought they would be buddies forever."

"But still you weren't suspicious?"

"You know, everybody keeps asking me that, like I'm stupid. Maybe I was, I don't know, but the bottom line is all I could see was Logan. He missed it, too! The genius missed it! He had his suspicions, but he didn't see it because his focus was on me. So if we're stupid, oh well. We were in love."

"You seemed confused by the question Carlos' father asked you. He wanted to know if you loved Carlos enough."

"Yeah, at the time...I didn't get it."

"You do now?"

"I do," James nodded. "Had Logan's mother asked me the same question, I would have answered without hesitation. Because even if I didn't quite get what she meant, I loved him enough for anything. However she might've meant it, it was enough. Coming from Carlos' dad, though...I didn't get it."

"That seemed to bother you."

"Of course it bothered me. I felt like he didn't think I was worthy of Carlos. Looking back, I wasn't. He had every right to doubt my devotion to his son. At the time, though, I just got mad."

"You went to Kendall next, and really seemed to bond with his mother."

"I love his mom! She's seriously become a mom to me. I call her once a week now."

"Really?"

"Yes! I can't wait to see her, we're throwing a big party for Caroline's birthday and she's coming with Glenn and Katie. I finally get to meet Glenn! Carlos and Logan are excited to meet them, too."

"In the final episode, you mentioned to Kendall that his mother helped you make that final decision. How so?"

"Because she helped me understand what true love is. Even though I knew Logan was the one I wanted, and I knew I was in love with him, there was that fear that I was making a mistake. Not by loving him, but...what if I was going to ruin his life by choosing him and he was passing up someone better for him and Caroline?"

"Like Kendall, maybe?"

"I don't know, maybe. I still felt like I wasn't good enough. And I did have feelings for both Carlos and Kendall, so there was a little confusion there. She helped me understand that it was in fact Logan I needed. That what I felt for him was real love and not some weird obsession. Because I think we can all agree by that time I was a little obsessed."

When the audience laughed, Chris nodded. "I'd say so, yeah. It doesn't mean you were crazy, though."

"Crazy for him. But she was wonderful, she really wanted her son to find love and wanted it to be me, but at the same time she didn't pressure me about it. She encouraged me to do what felt right, even if it wasn't her son that I would choose. That meant so much to me."

"Then you had Katie, who was going out of her way to make you feel unwelcome."

"She was looking out for Kendall. I can't fault her for that. She knew it even before Kendall did, that it was Carlos he needed. Without even meeting Carlos, she knew that. So of course she's gonna discourage me."

"And she apparently also knew you had your heart set on Logan."

"She's smart. That's why I refused to talk about Logan with her, because if I did, she would've seen right through me and known I was totally in love."

Nodding, Chris moved them along. "I'm sure we could talk for hours about your visit with Logan and Caroline, but we'll just touch on a few things. It's obvious how you felt that day, that Caroline stole your heart in the first few seconds you met her and spending time with them together cemented your decision to choose Logan."

"It did and it didn't," James differed. "It made me want it more than anything, to be part of that family and to be a father to her, but it also made it real. Showed me how little I was prepared for something like that."

"She loved you right away."

"And I loved her. But I didn't know if I was capable of giving her what she needed."

"You were willing to try, though."

"Nothing was gonna stop me. Except, of course, Logan telling me himself I wasn't good enough."

After a moment, Chris said, "You seemed to do pretty well with it. I think the moment you were most uncomfortable was when she asked if you were going to marry her daddy."

"Yeah, what was that? I was not prepared for that!"

"Logan wasn't either, obviously," Chris laughed. "That's how kids are, they say things you don't expect and you have to scramble to answer the question without lying. It's tough. You mentioned later that it was hard being in that house, feeling Jane's ghost everywhere."

"It was. I knew I could never replace her, and it wasn't like I was trying but at the same time I kind of was. I was stepping into being a second parent, and it's hard trying to live up to that. I knew I wouldn't be as good at it as she was. And Caroline kept bringing her up, which wasn't so bad except that one time Logan said he'd bring her back if he could. I mean...that's not fair of me to get upset over, but can you blame me? He was basically saying if she was still here, he'd choose her over me. Now, we've since talked about that, and when I told him how much that hurt, he said I took it wrong. That yes, he would bring her back for Caroline and because he missed her, but not as his wife. He says he realizes now that he wasn't as happy as he always thought he was, because now he knows what it can be like and what he was missing and that he wouldn't be satisfied with a woman anymore. Not even Jane. So uh...that helped. A lot."

"You two did argue a few times that day. Most of it had to do with Caroline and Jane."

"He didn't like that I was making her promises again. He was afraid I wasn't going to come through with it, and he was right to be worried about that because I couldn't tell him I had every intention of following through on everything. I did tell him I loved him that day, though. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I think that helped some."

"You told Caroline that you loved him, too. Really, James, you were horrible at keeping your feelings to yourself regarding Logan."

James shrugged, unconcerned. "Love of my life."

"Logan admitted that day that he knew you loved him, said he'd known it since Rio. His biggest fear was that you loved the rest just as much, though. Watching it from the outside, anyone could see that your feelings for everyone else came nowhere near your feelings for him, but none of the contestants were able to gauge that. How frustrating was it for you to keep your mouth shut and not tell him it was him you were going to pick?"

"It was torture, Chris. Every time he said he loved me, every time he hinted that I might choose someone else over him, I wanted to pull my hair out. But I wasn't allowed to say anything! I said so much more than I was supposed to as it was, but if I'd said that...I don't even know what they would've done. Probably sat us down and had a meeting and said we had to pretend it hadn't happened and Logan was still clueless, I don't know. Either way, it was torture to watch him suffer that fear of knowing he might lose me, especially after I met Caroline and she loved me. Bringing me home to her was a huge step for him, and he had to place a lot of trust in me. I know he was scared. But if you think that was hard, imagine how I felt when Caroline asked if she'd ever see me again. That right there was enough to kill me."

"Because you wanted to say yes?"

"That, and because I was terrified Logan would decide I wasn't good enough and back out. I knew I had every intention of being part of that family, but I couldn't tell them that, and Logan could still decide it wasn't going to work. Which...you know. He did. And I had that fear with me always. When she would ask me to come back and see her, I kept wanting to hold on and never let go. Because I knew Logan could still change his mind. There was nothing I feared more."

"I think probably my favorite moment of the entire season was watching you and Caroline in that castle in her room."

"Really?" James smiled. "Even better than the end, where she appeared on the beach?"

"Well, that was pretty special, too, but I think we saw a side of you that we hadn't seen before in that castle. I think every viewer in America knew in that moment you'd made up your mind and wanted to be a daddy to that little girl. You didn't know it then, but Logan realized it, too. He had to leave and compose himself."

"Yeah, he told me that when we were watching. Said he was overwhelmed with sadness at letting go of Jane but that he finally did in that moment, he finally believed it was going to happen and I was going to be his husband."

"It was a touching scene," Chris agreed. "After dinner you two had another fight. It was obviously his comment about bringing Jane back that upset you so much, but it seemed like that was the catalyst for a lot of things to come out into the open."

"We were both so scared, Chris. We were starting to understand that this might actually happen but we were scared it would all disappear or even worse, that it wouldn't and it would be a mistake. He started pushing me toward the other guys again and I started arguing with him about that and it was just a big mess and the next thing I knew Caroline was asking me to promise to come back and see her and it was too much, it was all too much. I'm honestly not surprised our next date ended the way it did, we were both so ready to snap from the pressure of it all and the fear. I thought it would be best if I just left right then for the night, but I didn't want to, and Logan didn't want me to, and so I stayed and we ended up having a perfect family moment. I wanted to do that every night for the rest of my life."

"We didn't get to see your goodbyes to them, unfortunately."

"Poor Rich. He was having a bad night with his camera. Both his batteries were dead."

Chris smirked but said, "I imagine you and Logan said goodbye without fighting anymore that night?"

"Actually, I ended up talking to Caroline some more. I said an official goodbye to her and to Logan. Leaving that night was difficult. I didn't want to."

"But you had to see Ryan the next day."

Nodding, James said, "That was a fun time, we spent the day cruising the old neighborhood before I met his family."

"And he kept saying things like 'Mike would love this place' or 'I told Mike I was gonna bring him here one day.'"

"Yes!" James laughed. "He couldn't help himself, but that was okay because if you noticed, I kept saying the same sort of things."

"About Logan and Caroline, yes."

"We both knew at that point it wasn't going to happen. He was crazy over Mike, though he'd done a damn good job of hiding that from me."

"To be fair to Ryan, I don't think he really figured it out until Mike left."

"Kind of like Carlos and Kendall, how it hit them harder once they were apart."

"Exactly," Chris agreed. "So we watched you two rediscover your childhood and make all these plans to bring Mike and Logan and Caroline to visit one day."

"We didn't mean to do that. It just...you know. That's where our hearts were. When I said goodbye to him at the rose ceremony, he wasn't surprised. We were cool with each other."

"You even told him when you walked him out to follow his heart. You knew where he was going."

"He was sad, because he really did have feelings for me and had thought maybe we could work, and I was sad too in a way, but I knew he loved Mike. I told him to go for it. And I'm so glad it worked out, they seem really happy."

"There's not too much more to say about your overnight dates with Carlos and Logan. Carlos was devastated when you didn't invite him to stay, though."

"I know. He'd been begging for that since the beginning, and I felt so bad. I almost wanted to invite him anyway, just so I didn't hurt him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He kept trying to make out with me during the movie and it just felt wrong. All I could see was Logan."

"If you'd had your date with Kendall before the one with Logan, would you have invited him to stay?"

"No. I thought maybe Kendall could convince me to, if anyone could it would be him. But it had gotten to the point where I could barely kiss anyone without feeling like I was cheating on Logan. That's what sucks about a situation like this. You have to keep playing the game even when you don't want to."

"So what happened on your date with Logan? It seemed to be going perfectly, and within a matter of minutes it was over. You two were so in love, and everything was going according to plan, and then it was like an explosion—just like that, he was gone. How did it escalate so fast?"

"It's like I said earlier. We were both so scared. It was real. It was gonna happen. I knew it, he knew it, and we had both been so afraid to believe it was going to happen that when we knew it was and started thinking it all through, making these plans, it just...I don't know. After I left their house the week before, all I could think about was them and our future and I started looking into things and making plans and maybe that was my downfall, maybe I should have discussed it all with Logan first, but we didn't have that kind of time. I was getting used to the idea of being a dad, and learning what all it would involve and I was excited, I had these visions for Caroline, and Logan wasn't ready for that. He panicked, and so did I, and...well. You saw what happened."

"You just let him go, though. I think that was more shocking than him leaving, the fact that you didn't really try to stop him."

"He said everything I was already feeling. My biggest fear was not being good enough, Chris. Of ruining that child's life. I was willing to try, to do anything, but for Logan to tell me I wasn't ready...that was exactly what I was afraid of, that I _wasn't_ ready. Who would know that better than him, as her father? I'd been dreading that moment since the beginning, had somehow known it would happen, that I'd lose him, and then suddenly it did. If Logan felt I wasn't good enough, then I wasn't good enough."

"You two brought that upon yourselves, with your lack of communication. Why didn't you express that, that you were afraid?"

"I did. In Wisconsin, I told him that. He knew how scared I was. What I didn't know is that he was scared, too. I think if we'd had more time, if we weren't in this situation where it was all crammed together into a few weeks, we might've avoided the blow-up, but it all happened so fast and suddenly I was going to be a dad and he was going to have a partner and it was too much. We let the pressure get to us. We were stupid, but everything happens for a reason."

"And what reason do you think this happened for, James?"

"To show us we can't live without each other. That our doubts were stupid and what matters most is that we love each other enough to make it work. Since he proposed to me, we've never looked back. We don't have any doubts anymore. Sure, we make mistakes here and there, but there's never once been a point where we questioned whether this was the right thing. It just is."

Sudden applause from the audience surprised both James and Chris. "Obviously they agree with you," Chris smiled.

"When it's right, it's right," James grinned.

"We're running out of time because we still need to get Logan out here, but let's talk for a moment about your overnight date with Kendall. We don't know what happened behind closed doors, but I think it's safe to assume the two of you spent the night together? Kendall pretty much confirmed that earlier in the show."

"Yes, we...yeah. Definitely did."

"So once Logan was gone, all bets were off?"

"Exactly. I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to forget the pain for a few hours."

"And you didn't know this then, but he was trying to forget Carlos, as well."

"We were both in a bad place. I don't regret anything."

"No? Not at all?"

"No."

"Was that hard on Logan?"

"Uh...you'll have to ask him."

"Why don't we bring him out now?"

Chris stood up to greet Logan, who had been standing backstage with Carlos and Kendall watching. After Kendall gave him a shove, Logan made his way onto the stage, James stepping out to meet him halfway as they held each other for a moment, Logan nodding when James whispered something to him, and then James nodding when Logan whispered something in return. James went back to his seat and Logan lowered himself into the chair next to it, James reaching out to pull it closer before taking Logan's hand. When the audience laughed, James shrugged. "I like him close to me."

Logan blushed but smiled at James. "Hi, Chris."

"Logan, welcome." He shook Logan's hand before being seated again. "You've been listening to all of this, I take it?"

"Yeah, from backstage."

"So you know what I asked James. How hard was it for you to know James spent the night with Kendall?"

"I had no right to be upset, I'd walked away."

"That's not an answer, Logan."

James started to speak but Logan squeezed his hand as if to say it was fine. "It was very hard. I was extremely upset but knew I had no right to be, so it wasn't worth getting angry over."

"When you left, you didn't think you'd ever see James again."

"No."

"How long was it before you realized you'd made a mistake?"

"About an hour," Logan replied, biting his lip.

"An hour? You could've gone back!"

"He let me go, Chris. He didn't put up a fight. If he had, I probably never would've even stepped into that limo."

"Is that what you wanted from him? To fight for you?"

"No, that wasn't my intention. In that moment, I honestly felt it wasn't going to work between us. I wasn't okay with him making decisions about Caroline."

"But an hour later you were?"

"Chris, he made a mistake," James interrupted. "We both did."

"It's fine, love, let him talk." Logan sighed, returning to the conversation. "An hour later I still wasn't okay with him making decisions about my daughter, but I knew I couldn't live without him. I was dead inside."

"All you had to do was say the word and we would've driven you to him."

"I know," Logan nodded. "But since he let me go so easily, I thought maybe it was for the best. Maybe he'd had a chance to think everything over and thought it would be easier if he went with Kendall."

"He was looking into schools for her. Wanted to put her in gymnastics."

"I wasn't thinking clearly, Chris. I was a wreck. I just...I made a mistake."

"And it all worked out," James reminded them. "That's all that matters, he's here with me now."

"What happened over the next week, Logan? Everyone assumed you'd been flown back to L.A., but you instead flew to Australia with the show. How did that come about?"

"Once it had all set in, I knew Kendall was going to win. I thought about it, knew Kendall wouldn't be able to console Carlos the way he'd want to, and I was feeling pretty bad by that point myself. I figured by the time Carlos was rejected, I'd be a wreck and need someone, too. So I asked for a meeting and begged them to let me be there for Carlos. They were still shocked I'd left at all, and I think were hoping I'd change my mind and come back. That would bring up ratings. So they allowed it and flew me to Australia."

"In a separate plane than Carlos and Kendall."

"Yes. I didn't know it at the time, but James was on my plane."

James nodded. "If we'd known...things would've gone a lot differently."

"So the whole time James was meeting with his family and going on dates with Carlos and Kendall, you were stuck in a hotel room. The same hotel where Carlos and Kendall were staying," Chris coaxed.

"Yep," Logan answered. "It was hell. I talked to Caroline once a day, but otherwise had no contact with anyone really. I was sworn to stay hidden, though again—I think they hoped I would break the rules and go charging in."

"What about before we all flew to Australia?" Chris asked. "In England. You were still there, knowing James was on his overnight date with Kendall."

"I didn't know that for sure. I knew he'd had his date with Carlos but I didn't know if he'd had it with Kendall yet."

"You seemed bothered by that, assumed he'd slept with Carlos."

Logan didn't answer, James speaking instead. "He did assume that."

"Was that part of why you left, Logan? You thought he'd, in essence, cheated on you?"

"I knew he was going to sleep with them. I couldn't stop it."

"But he didn't."

"I didn't know that."

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Because I couldn't, Chris. Not in that situation. I had no right."

"I would've told you the truth," James said softly.

"I didn't want to know the truth," Logan replied. "I couldn't stand it. I'm sorry."

With a smile James leaned over and kissed Logan's cheek. "Don't be. I love that about you."

That brought a grin out of Logan, as well as an "aww" from the audience.

"Okay," Chris continued. "You spent all that time alone and had time to think. When did you decide to try to win him back?"

"A few days before. I decided that if he proposed to Kendall, I'd let go. Because it was obviously what he wanted, and-"

"I never wanted that," James interrupted.

"I know that now, but then I didn't. You'd given me your heart and said it would always be mine, but if you married Kendall...I would know it wasn't anymore. If you could marry someone else, then he had your heart."

"I thought I could do it, too. Even with you still having my heart, I thought I could marry Kendall."

"But you couldn't," Logan said in a voice just above a whisper.

James shook his head, eyes fastened to Logan's. "You were all I wanted."

Logan couldn't refrain from a kiss, leaning in slowly while Chris sighed and the audience melted. "I warned you guys," he said. "They're worse than Kendall and Carlos."

"Sorry." Logan sat back, flushed.

"I'm not," James grinned.

"We saw the events unfold on the beach. Logan, were you afraid he wouldn't take you back?"

"Terrified. I broke his heart, I didn't deserve a second chance."

"James, were you scared to open your heart up to him again?"

"Terrified," James laughed, echoing Logan. "I was so tempted to just say yes to anything he wanted, whatever he asked I would go along with and that kind of scared me, but...I made sure he knew I wasn't going to get into this unless I could be the father I wanted to be."

"And how has that worked out? Do you two ever argue at all?"

"Who, us?" James joked. "Never."

"Hush," Logan chuckled. "We argue all the time, but it's never anything that would break us up. We're in this for the long haul and we know that no matter what happens during the day, at the end of the night we'll go to bed together and be thankful to have each other."

"What do you two argue about most?"

"It's always the same thing," Logan smirked. "He spoils her."

"Hey, I've gotten better!" James argued. "Just yesterday, she asked me for a cookie at bedtime and I said no."

Logan's eyebrows shot up. "Did you really?"

"Yes, love. I did. I told her if she went to sleep I would make sure she got a cookie with her breakfast."

There was silence as Logan digested that, and then, "So when I went to get dressed this morning..."

"She got a cookie. Yes. But not until she'd finished her omelet," James added hurriedly. "I made sure of that first. See, babe? I'm learning."

Logan smiled. "Actually, you're doing wonderful with her. I don't know how I did it before. You are such a help around the house and with Caroline and when I get stressed you're right there for me and I'm just so lucky. I came so close to losing you, I was such an idiot."

"It doesn't matter." Leaning closer, James touched his lips to Logan's. "I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere."

"James," Chris jumped in. "What about the modeling? Is that done?"

"No. In fact, once we move I'm getting back into it some. Not as much, of course, but I've been in hiding at the house in all this time so there's been none of it. It's been good for us, we've gotten to know each other better and figured out how to make it work. It's not always easy."

"You've been known to do some racy photo shoots in the past. Will that change now that you have a daughter to raise? How does Caroline affect your image?"

Logan raised an eyebrow, impressed by the question from Chris.

James licked his lips, considering. "I hadn't thought about it. I can't do anything she'd be ashamed of, either now or later in life. She...wow. That changes things."

"How?" Logan asked. "I never wanted you to give up doing what you love. That was one of my issues in the beginning, that you'd suffer for me. Don't."

"I'd still model, babe. I'm not giving that up. I'm at a point in my career now where I can choose what I want to do, not have to take every job that's offered to me. There are fashion shows I can do, things of that-"

"Or you can start singing again," Logan interrupted.

"Or you can go back to med school," James countered immediately.

The two stared at each other in challenge until Chris asked, "I take it this is something the two of you argue over?"

"We don't argue about it," Logan replied. "But I suggested to him since we're moving to New York that he can get involved in singing and acting again; it's his first love."

"As is your dream of being a neurosurgeon, love. There's no reason you can't go back to school once we move."

"There's no reason you can't get into Broadway. I've heard you sing, you're amazing."

"I will if you will," James said suddenly, gripping Logan's hand tighter. "We can do this together."

Chris allowed them to gaze at each other again, communicating silently, before breaking in. "The media is going to be all over the two of you now that it's known you're together. Logan, your tragic past has already been in magazines across the nation. How do you plan to deal with that, with the attention both you and Caroline will be bombarded with now?"

"I won't lie, it's a little scary. One of the first things James and I talked about in the beginning was that I didn't want Caroline being exposed to all of that, but I did it myself by coming onto the show. All we can do is try to shield her."

James nodded. "Which is another reason I won't be modeling as much. If I get into Broadway, I might give it up altogether. I don't know yet. I think we have a lot to talk about, babe."

"I think we do," Logan agreed, smiling. "Our lives might be about to change even more than we thought."

"As long as we're together, we can handle it. You, me, and our daughter. That's all I need."

"You've got it," Logan whispered, and again they kissed, Chris shaking his head.

"I think we're about done here. As you can all see, they're still happy and I'd say a marriage is definitely in the works down the road. Thank you both for coming out tonight, and for bringing us an exciting season of 'The Bachelor.'"

"No," Logan said, pulling away from James. "Thank _you_, Chris. All of you, for this show and for bringing me the perfect man. It was hell at times, and it almost broke me, but I'd do it all again to have James Diamond by my side."

"Always," James said softly, tilting Logan's chin up for a quick kiss, and as Logan returned it he was once again grateful he'd had the courage to take that leap with James.


	36. Chapter 36

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Well, this is it. The final chapter. I cried when it was done, and I've cried each time I re-read/edit. Not to say it's sad, but I'm sorry to see this one end. I think I have finally written something that has replaced "I Would Scream to the World" as my favorite fic of mine. I can't express my gratitude for all of the support and encouragement you guys have given me, both here and on Twitter and Tumblr and the response to this has been insane. I love you guys so much, you'll never know how this keeps me going from day to day.

A quick thank you to those who pointed out my Minnesota/Wisconsin mix-up in the last chapter, I can't believe I did that. Actually, I can, I do that sort of thing a lot. But the fact that I didn't catch it...that's weird.

Also, thank you to **joyousbrokenthing** and **The Brat Prince** for the advice about New York. I just wanted to make sure this was possible, as I know nothing about New York and have never visited.

Just...thank you. So much. I love you guys.

I dedicate this to **kathrynew30** because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank **Aranelle** for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

* * *

><p>Hand pressed to the glass, James started to scream. The limo was rolling away at an alarming speed but he tried to open the door anyway. He heard a snap as the locks engaged. "No!" He pounded on the window, watching Logan get smaller in the distance, and Jerry laughed as he bent down to kiss Logan, a shower of rose petals cascading down over them from above while Caroline jumped up and down in an attempt to catch them all.<p>

"James. Love. James, honey, it's okay. James."

"Logan, no, please..."

"Shh, I'm right here."

Arms were tight around him, pulling his body close, and finally James came awake, the relief leaving him shaking in Logan's arms. "Oh my god. Logan. Oh my god." He tried to breathe, his heart still racing from the nightmare and tears crowding in, but Logan's lips at his forehead and cheek helped. "I love you."

"I know. I'm right here," Logan repeated. "Bad dream?"

"God. It was horrible. Jerry."

"Jerry? That asshole doesn't deserve a second of your time, James. Why the hell are you dreaming about him?"

"I don't know. Maybe the idea of everyone coming over, it's bringing it all back. You chose Jerry."

"What?"

"You chose Jerry. You were the Bachelor, and you chose Jerry over me."

Unable to keep it in, Logan laughed at the notion. "You know that would never happen. Not in a million years."

"Yeah, I just...fuck, babe. It was so real."

"But it wasn't. This right here, this is real. And I love you and would choose you a million times over."

James slid his arms around Logan, snuggling up closer as calm began to settle. He let out a long breath, trying to relax, but then a sound had his head popping up. "Was that Caroline?"

"No, love, it was just the house. It does that sometimes at night when it's quiet, seems to settle."

"I've never heard it."

"You're just not used to the new place. You'll get there. And you're usually asleep when it does that."

"Why aren't you?"

Logan shrugged. "There are times I can't sleep, I just lay awake and think about things."

"Nervous about starting school again?"

"A little. It's going to be a lot of work. And you should know that I get really stressed out when I'm in school. I hope I don't take it out on you, but no promises."

"Do what you want with me, just don't take it out on Caroline."

Logan smiled, loving that James always put her first. "If I get out of hand, smack me."

"I'll just take you to bed and fuck you until you're so worn out you don't have it in you to be stressed."

"Oh, fuck. Promise me that."

Chuckling, James rolled over onto his back and pulled Logan into his arms. "Done. You did get everything set up for the party, right? I tried to help but I had that meeting and-"

"Everything's fine, love. Carlos is catering, so we'll have plenty of food. They'll be here really early, just so you know."

"I hate it when I get home so late you're already in bed. I don't like not saying goodnight to you."

"We said goodnight."

"A phone call doesn't count, especially when I only have about thirty seconds to fit both you and Caroline into it."

"I know, but we have to get used to it. Once the musical gets underway, you're going to be out late every night."

"Not every night. We don't even know if I got the part yet."

"Hush, we know you did. And you're going to be amazing and bring down the house."

James smiled, squeezing Logan. "I love you."

"I know, babe. I love you, too. As far as the party, your job is making sure everyone gets here from the airport. I'll handle everything here, but you'll need to pick up the moms and Lana. And Rich."

"No, Rich is renting a car. Turns out he and Lana booked the same flight, so he offered to drive her out."

"Oh, did he?" Logan smirked. "Convenient."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they'll be spending a lot more time together after this weekend," James smiled. "He asks about her a lot."

"That's cute."

"What about Mike and Ryan?"

"They're driving up from Boston."

"Ah. So it's just the moms I have to worry about?"

"Yeah," Logan nodded. "Kendall said he'd handle his family. Carlos' parents are of course driving up."

"Good thing we got such a big house."

"Had to have room for Diamond and Fame. And of course Christmas."

"Of course, nothing beats riding with you and my girl. Caroline said the funniest thing yesterday, Logan. She wants to change Christmas' name because it's only supposed to happen once a year."

"What? We can't change her name, she's had that her whole life."

"I know, but remember last month when Caroline asked if Santa was coming soon and you explained to her that Christmas only comes once a year?"

Logan laughed. "She is so smart, I swear. Remembers everything. I can't wait for her to start school here. I have so much to do next week to get her ready for that. Don't let me forget to-"

"Babe. Relax. You're not doing this alone anymore, remember? I'll help."

Logan sighed, James feeling the tension leave him. "I still forget sometimes. I'm not used to having someone share the burden. I mean, there was Mom, but..."

"But I'm her parent. It's totally different."

"Yeah."

"I can't wait for her to make some friends. I feel bad that there aren't any other kids coming to her party, Logan. It's gonna be all adults, and isn't that boring?"

"She won't be bored for a second, not with all the attention on her. Besides, Carlos is coming, he's a big kid anyway. And they're bringing Chachi, so she'll have him to play with."

"Chachi's coming?" A bright smile lit up James' face. "You didn't tell me that!"

"This dog must really be something. All three of you go crazy over him."

"You're gonna love Chachi. Well..." James frowned. "Actually, you might not. I can see the two of you getting into it."

"James, it's a dog. We're not going to argue."

Rolling his eyes, James said, "You don't know Chachi. That dog is part human. And I predict he will not like you."

"Oh, thanks. What's so wrong with me?"

"You won't cater to him. He's going to hate you."

"He's a damn dog," Logan repeated.

"And that right there is why he won't like you. But it's cool, he's got enough people catering to him. Just make sure he doesn't pee on your shoe. Carlos says he does that to people he doesn't like."

"What? What the hell kind of dog does that?"

"Chachi, babe. Chachi. He's more than a dog, I'm telling you."

"I feel bad for the other dogs. They don't get all that attention, I'm sure."

"They can handle it. Chachi's a special case."

"Dog, James. Dog."

"You'll see. Now can I get some loving out of you while we have the house to ourselves? The moms are staying a few days, right?"

"Yeah. And if you ask nicely, I'll think about it."

"Please. You like it better when I don't ask."

To prove his point James suddenly attacked Logan, and smiled when Logan responded with eagerness. He loved that he knew Logan so well.

* * *

><p>Logan wasn't sure the bounce house had been a good idea, but Caroline had begged and James had pleaded her case, and so he of course had given in. Watching Carlos and Kendall jump around in it now with Caroline, Logan frowned. "Those things can't pop, right?"<p>

"Honey, relax. They're sturdy."

"I know, Mom, I just don't want to end up having to pay for it if it breaks."

"James isn't going to care." Joanna stood up from her folding chair and stretched, gaze shifting to the ocean. "I can't believe he bought you a place on the beach."

"I told him once I wanted to live near the beach. I think on our first date. He doesn't forget things like that, it's crazy."

"That's because you're important to him. Are you okay with him getting involved in the theater? He won't be around as much."

"We've got it worked out. When I start classes I'm doing as much as I can online so I can handle getting Caroline back and forth to school, and he won't be busy every single day. Just...most. Mom, sit down, let me get that for you."

"I'm fine, Logan, I can get my own drink. But you make such a wonderful mother," she teased.

"Yeah yeah, I learned from the best. Have you seen James?"

"I saw him go into the house earlier with Jennifer. I think she was going to help him bring the presents out."

"Oh, I could've done that. Let me-"

When Logan stood up, his mother placed a hand on his arm. "Sweetheart. James has it covered. Let him do this, he loves being the parent."

Sighing, Logan nodded. "I know. I'm still not used to it sometimes. It's weird."

"Just like going from having Jane around to suddenly doing it all on your own. It takes time, honey. But it's okay, you'll get used to it. Have you two set a date yet?"

"No, we wanted to talk to Kendall and Carlos about it. Have to make sure they're available, and of course everyone else but they're our best men, so..."

"Caroline informed me last week that she's going to be the flower girl. I asked her what that means and she said she gets to carry flowers and wear a pretty dress. That's as far as it's gotten in her head."

Logan grinned. "She's excited. She keeps asking to watch weddings on T.V. I'm not sure how that translates for her, I hope she doesn't expect one of us to wear a dress."

"Well," Joanna smirked, "as long as James is wearing eyeliner you'll be happy, right?"

"Mom!" Logan's cheeks flamed. "How—what-"

"Logan, I watched the show, remember? The entire world knows about your eyeliner fetish by now."

"Oh my god. I just realized that school is going to be a lot more stressful than I imagined."

"Have you been recognized a lot?"

"We haven't gone a lot of places since we moved here. James is used to ordering everything online, so all of the furniture and stuff came that way. I did get recognized at the grocery store. That was weird."

"It's gonna happen, honey."

"They asked about Caroline, too. I was glad I left her home with James."

"It'll pass over time. You'll be fine. It was still worth it, right? To do the show?"

"Of course. We have James. Nothing else matters."

Joanna smiled. "I couldn't agree more."

* * *

><p>James almost tripped when Chachi zoomed in front of him. "Dammit, Chachi! Out of my way!"<p>

The dog yipped at him before hiding behind a couch.

"Oh, come on. Don't make me feel like shit." Sighing, James set down the armful of packages he was carrying on the couch, then leaned over the back. "Hey. I'm sorry. I know you just want to spend time with me. Come here."

In two seconds Chachi was climbing over the pile of brightly-wrapped gifts in his hurry to get to James, who picked him up and scratched behind his ears. "I thought it was Kendall you were obsessed with. You really did like me, didn't you?"

The dog made his answer known by settling happily in James' arms, and Jennifer chuckled when she entered the room. "I see Chachi has you wrapped around his little finger, too."

"This dog is so strange."

"Even Katie seems to give in to him. When we visited last month, he didn't leave her side. Although...that was only when Kendall was in the room. When he wasn't, Chachi followed him."

"I think he'd be out there with Kendall now except Caroline accidentally jumped on him in the bounce house. After that they kicked him out, poor guy. You just wanted to have fun, too, huh?"

Chachi ate up the scratches to his belly, eyes closed in contentment.

With a smile Jennifer picked up the packages James had set on the sofa. "I think this is the last of them. You two really overdid it, you know. It's not good to spoil your child so much."

"Yeah, that wasn't so much Logan as me. I'm horrible. I see something I know she'd like and I have to get it. I can't help myself."

"Little gifts here and there aren't so bad, James, but it's better to use them as rewards than random showers of affection. I mean...that's not a bad thing either, but too much of it can be. She's starting school, right?"

"Yeah, in a few weeks."

"If you insist on buying her things, make sure to give them to her in appreciation for something she's done. She'll value them more, and learn that good behavior results in good things. Have you had to discipline her yet?"

Eyes falling closed, James said, "Don't remind me. That was the worst thing ever. But it was for her own good, she was playing by the street and kept running out after her ball. No matter how many times I warned her, she kept doing it, and finally I had to send her to her room. Jennifer, she _cried_. I made her _cry_."

"Oh, honey." Jennifer couldn't hold in a soft laugh. "It won't be the last time. I know it's hard, but you did the right thing. Better a few tears now than her getting hurt. Wait until she starts screaming at you that she hates you."

James' face drained of color. "She wouldn't say that."

"Oh, she will. Trust me. And you'll want to smack her little smart mouth but you won't, you'll send her to her room and take away her phone and she'll hate you even more."

"Jennifer..."

"You'll handle it just fine, James. I'm not worried about it. And you've got Logan, the two of you can work it out. I'm sure you've got five years or so before all of that starts anyway. At least, I hope."

"Oh my god. I can't do this." James cuddled Chachi as if that would make it all better.

"Yes, you can." Hefting one more package onto the pile in her arms, Jennifer started heading out of the room. "Come on, Dad. Let's go make your daughter's year with all of these presents."

"Jennifer, wait. There's something..." Setting Chachi on the floor, James stepped around the couch and approached her, taking some of the gifts. "I wanted to thank you. The things you said to me when I visited you guys in Minnesota...if it wasn't for all of that, I'd probably be married to Kendall by now. Or at least engaged. And while Kendall's great, he's not-"

"I know, James. He's not Logan. Nor are you Carlos, and I wouldn't dream of taking Carlos from him. Things worked out the way they were supposed to. My son is happy, he's got hockey and a man to love." A sudden bark surprised them both, and with a roll of her eyes Jennifer added, "And a dog to raise. How does he always know? It's like he can understand us."

"I'm telling you, that's no normal dog. But again, thank you. I've never been happier, either. And I'm glad I finally got to meet Glenn. He is really in love with you."

"He's my guy," Jennifer smiled. "Chachi! Go get that little package in the corner that we missed. Go on, the red one. Get it, Chachi, get it! Go, boy!"

When she pointed at it, Chachi rushed over to it, James grimacing when he realized Chachi might rip into it like a toy, but instead Chachi caught the bow in his teeth and trotted up to them, waiting for further instruction. "I love this dog," James marveled.

"Go on, take it out to Caroline. Go find Caroline," Jennifer coaxed, and then Chachi was gone. "I hear Caroline wants a dog."

"Yeah, about that..."

"She's got a horse. And once she starts school, and you start this Broadway stuff I've heard about, Logan's going to be the one stuck taking care of the dog. Try to see it from his point of view, honey."

James bit his lip. "I um...might've...there's this little dog..."

"James. You didn't."

"Not yet. One of my buddies at the theater is trying to get rid of a puppy and I said I'd work on Logan. Caroline's gonna flip, Jennifer, he looks just like Chachi, and even though he probably won't act anything like him, he's small and cuddly and perfect for her. I'm gonna get Kendall on it, see if between the two of us we can talk Logan into it. I'm pretty sure he won't be able to resist both of us."

"I almost feel sorry for Logan, the way you all gang up on him."

"You know he'll end up loving the dog. He'll bitch about it but when Caroline goes to bed at night, the dog will probably come cuddle with Logan. And that dog will end up spoiled, too. Just watch."

Jennifer shook her head. "Come on, let's get this stuff out there. I've barely said two words to your mother, I'd like to meet her properly."

James laughed. "You'll regret that, but okay. Let's go."

* * *

><p>"I always knew James would be an incredible father," Brooke was saying to Ryan and Mike as James passed behind her chair, and all he could do was laugh. This was his mother, who would never change, and Lana caught his eye with a similar expression. They were used to this. Rich also smirked from his chair next to Lana, and James managed a discreet thumbs up even with his arms full of presents.<p>

"James!"

The familiar cry had his head swinging over immediately, arms dropping packages on the pile before he braced himself to meet Caroline's running approach. He swung her up into his arms and settled her at his hip, tilting his head so her crown didn't stab his cheek. "What's up, princess?"

"Are all those for me?"

"Every single one. You like the jumper?"

"It's fun! Carlos jumps really high and makes me bounce!"

Glancing over at the inflated house, which was designed to look like a castle, James smiled when he caught sight of Carlos and Kendall kissing inside it. Sometimes he thought it should feel weird to witness that, but it didn't; it just felt right, and he had no regrets. "They're not jumping now."

"No, Carlos said I should open my presents. He got me a water gun."

"He...wait, he told you what he got you?"

"Yeah, Kendall got mad. Carlos said oops."

"I'm willing to bet Carlos got you two water guns, one for himself to play with. Just make sure you don't let Kendall steal yours, because those two will run off squirting each other and we'll never see them again."

"But Kendall said they'd come back! He promised!"

"No, I mean...never mind. You having a good time?"

"Yeah! Grandma Brooke said my present is at the bank, can we go get it?"

Chuckling, James said, "Sorry, sweetheart, you won't get that present until you're eighteen. It's a trust fund, which means that when you get ready to go to college, you'll have money to do it."

"That doesn't sound like a fun present."

"No, but you'll be happy to have it later in life. Trust me."

"Oh. Is that why it's called a trust fund? Cause I have to trust you?"

James frowned, then shrugged. "Sure. Did you get to meet Mike and Ryan?"

"Yeah! They're nice."

"And Katie and Glenn and Kendall's mom?"

"Uh huh! Carlos' daddy is a policeman, James!"

"I know. He didn't show you his gun, did he?"

"No. He has a gun?"

"Not right now. I hope."

"Rich looks funny without his camera. He said he left it at home."

"That's okay, we've all got cameras. We've been taking pictures all day. We're taking video, too, so you can watch the party later if you want."

"Can we watch it tonight?" Caroline asked in excitement. "With popcorn?"

"Sure. Grandma's staying for a few days, and Grandma Brooke, too."

"Grandma Brooke said she doesn't want to ride Diamond."

"No, she doesn't like horses."

"How come?"

"She's weird. Grandma Joanna likes horses, though, right?"

"Yeah! She said tomorrow we can take Diamond and Christmas on the trail by the water."

"Did she?" James smiled, thinking of all the things he could do with Logan while they were gone. "Take Grandma Brooke with you, too."

"But she doesn't like-"

"I don't care. She's going with you. She can ride Fame."

From across the backyard, which was mostly sand, Logan caught his eye. He was walking around picking up trash and tossing it into a large bag, but he smiled at the two of them. "I love your daddy so much."

"I know! He loves you, too, member?"

"Yeah. I remember. I need to talk to him for a second, can you go get everyone together? It's almost time to open your presents." He set Caroline down gently. "Tell them to move their chairs over here by the table."

"Okay!"

James cornered Logan in the kitchen, ripping the bag out of his hand and dropping it before spinning Logan around for a deep kiss. Rather than fight it Logan met it eagerly, having expected this. "I saw that look in your eyes."

"Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. How much I love you."

"Hopefully that's something you feel all of the time, not just sometimes."

James rolled his eyes. "Duh. You doing okay? We've hardly talked since the party started."

"A lot of people to entertain."

"But you're having fun, right? Enjoying yourself and not just worrying about taking care of everyone?"

Logan shrugged.

"Relax, babe. We can clean all this up later. Our moms are staying for the weekend, remember? They'll handle it."

"Your mom does not seem like the cleaning type."

"She's a mom. Trust me, she knows how to clean up messes. And she actually does it well. Has she been nice to you?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't she be?"

"You saw the show. She was Team Kendall. I worry sometimes that she thinks I should've gone with him."

Logan shook his head. "She told me she's glad you came to your senses and went after me."

"Went after...did she not watch the show? _You_ came after _me_."

"I don't know, all that matters is she says you made the right choice because she's never seen you like this, and she's happy that you're happy."

"Oh. Good." James grinned. "I am, you know. Ecstatic. Gonna be even happier tomorrow when they take Caroline out riding for a few hours. Just think, the house to ourselves. We can be as loud as we want to be."

"Your mom's going riding?"

Nodding, James answered, "Whether she likes it or not."

Logan smiled, pulling James down again and touching their lips together, but they didn't get far before a throat was cleared rather loudly.

"Oh, excuse us, are we interrupting something?" Carlos asked, obviously not sorry in the slightest.

"Yes, we wouldn't want to disturb you," Kendall added, bending down to pick up Chachi, who had of course followed him into the kitchen.

"Shut up, what do you want?" James slid his arms around Logan's waist, holding him close.

After a glance at Kendall, Carlos began, "We had this idea."

"And if you two aren't cool with it, just say the word."

"What?" Logan asked suspiciously, eyes narrowed.

"Well..." One more glance at Kendall, then Carlos said, "You know how we're going to be in your wedding, right?"

"Uh huh."

"And Caroline was telling us she wants to be our flower girl, too."

Kendall nodded. "And having everyone together like this, it's pretty cool. All the families, you know?"

"But we know how you two are, you hate sharing and like to be alone and stuff and the thing is, Chachi could be our ringbearer and-"

"What the..." Logan looked up at James. "Please tell me what they're trying to say. I can't always follow Carlos' train of thought."

"I think they want a double wedding, love."

Carlos beamed. "So what do you say? We can do the whole thing together, that way it's less time off work and school for all of us, and we can take our honeymoon together and bring Caroline and-"

"Only if you want to," Kendall broke in, hands up. "No pressure. I know you guys might want time alone since you never get it."

James lifted an eyebrow. "You think I want to go anywhere without Caroline for a week?"

Logan lifted up to kiss James for a second. "You are incredible. You really want to take Caroline on our honeymoon?"

"Of course. I'd go crazy worrying about her for that long. Not that I don't think your mom's capable, I know she took care of her while you were filming the show, but that's a lot to ask again and we could go to Australia and this time do what she wants, and maybe even England so she could see the Palace and-"

"Dude!" Carlos exclaimed. "She'd love that!"

"The only problem would be Chachi," Kendall frowned. "We'd have to figure out how to get him with us. If we pay extra, we can do that, right?"

Carlos glanced up with wide eyes. "You want to take Chachi with us?"

"I'm not leaving Chachi alone for a week!"

"He can stay with Paul and Sandra, Kendall. Or like before, they can come check on the dogs every day. It's just a week."

"Carlos, I am not leaving Chachi for a week. Look at this face. Can you honestly look at him and tell him you're leaving him?" Kendall lifted up the small body, pointing Chachi's face at Carlos. "He's sad just thinking about."

"You're as bad as James with Caroline," Logan laughed, leaning against James. "But what do you think, love? Could you handle a double wedding?"

"I think it actually makes sense. Carlos is right, we're going to have to find time for the weddings and it'll be easier if we only have to do it once. We can do it while Kendall's in the off-season."

"And that would be between semesters for you, Logan," Kendall reminded him.

"And I'll make sure not to sign onto anything that will run during that time period," James added. "Carlos is the only one who can't stop what he's doing for this."

"No, but Paul will take over again. He liked it last time, and he's doing a lot more around the business now anyway. So what do you say, guys? Double wedding or what?"

Logan smiled, putting a hand out. "To love."

Carlos and Kendall laughed but joined in, chorusing, "To love."

James placed a hand on top of theirs and grinned, his other arm hugging Logan tight. "To love."

* * *

><p>In the midst of a gathering of people all brought together by a television show, Caroline Mitchell opened her massive pile of gifts. Camera flashes went off every few seconds, video was taken, and James forced Logan to sit next to him and simply watch while the moms handled everything. By the time it was done, James was fighting tears of joy, Logan squeezing his hand because he knew James was overwhelmed. As he glanced around at everyone, Logan was overwhelmed as well. This had become his family, and while he still wished Jane could be near to witness this, he knew if she was he would never have met James, never have found this incredible group of people who filled his life with so much love.<p>

A huge cake was brought out, both Carlos and Kendall carrying it as they all sang the birthday song. Chachi was happy in the crook of James' elbow while James' other arm was in place around Logan's waist, a hand possessively at his side. James had a moment where his mind flashed back to the old days, the endless barrage of nights with men he barely cared to know, and he still couldn't believe how much his life had changed in such a short time, but he thanked God for it every single day. As Caroline blew out her candles (with the help of Carlos), he also said a silent thank you to Jane, who had without meaning to brought him this wonderful gift of fatherhood.

The small crowd clapped and cheered, and James leaned in to whisper to Logan. "I love you."

Logan smiled, head resting on James' shoulder as he replied, "Always."


	37. Chapter 37

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

**Author's Notes:**

I don't know where this came from. I woke up from a nap and there it was in my mind, something I had to get out on paper. I never planned to write anything more for this story, so I'm as surprised as you are if you're reading this. But I always did love the vision of James dealing with a teenaged Caroline, from the moment I wrote that conversation between James and Kendall's mother in the last chapter. So here you go, it's not been read by anyone and probably sucks because I haven't written anything in so long. But...yeah. It just needed to get out, I guess.

I don't know if this means I'll be writing anything more, before you ask. I think I just miss writing. So we'll see what happens. If you're reading this, thank you, and thank you to those of you who still tell me you've read this story numerous times. You'll never know how much that means to me. I love you guys.

Dedicating this to every single person who made it through the entire story and stuck with me even though you were raging at me for the choices I made. Can't believe it's been almost a year since I wrote this. Wow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Ten Years Later<strong>_

On nights like this one, James liked to sit on the deck and stare out at the ocean. He couldn't see much, the darkness a shield for everything except the glare of moonlight on the water, but he could hear the ocean waves pounding the shore and somehow it brought him peace, an echo of his thoughts as they pounded through his head, raging and powerful.

His hands clenched the arms of the sturdy wooden rocking chair that had been a gift from Logan on their first anniversary, and James remembered how Logan had beamed with pride at presenting him with something not only functional but made with his own hands, Logan working on it when James was at the theater and Caroline at school. James had made an offhand comment once about how Caroline seemed to fall asleep faster when being rocked, and Logan had taken that to heart and presented him with the chair that was now worn and chipped in some areas but still as sturdy as the day it was built so carefully by a man who loved nothing more than the two people who would use it most.

Suddenly James wished for those early days to return, when Caroline was tiny and nothing brought her more happiness than a ride on her horse with her daddies trailing behind her on theirs. Diamond had been the perfect gift for Caroline, taking to her immediately and keeping her safe even when she'd become old enough to ride by herself. She'd taken to escaping on Diamond when she was angry, and while it killed both James and Logan when she felt the need to run, they knew she'd be okay with Diamond to watch out for her; he'd returned her safely each time, usually in tears and full of apologies while James held back his own tears and hugged her tight, telling her it was okay and he would always love her while Logan watched and waited for them both to calm down enough to talk sense into them.

Lately, though, riding off on a horse wasn't enough. Caroline had her license now, which scared the crap out of James every time he thought about it, and three times in the past month she'd hopped into the flashy but practical car he and Logan had agreed on as a sixteenth birthday present, insisting she needed "me time." She could throw a fit like the best of them (or like James, as Lana liked to say), and Logan knew from years of dealing with it in his husband that it was best to let her go until she calmed down and returned. James, on the other hand, spent the entire time a wreck and imagining all the horrible things that could happen to her while driving recklessly.

A hand fell on James' shoulder from above and automatically he reached up for it, squeezing it tight.

"She's fine," Logan assured him.

"She drives too fast, you know she drives too fast. Especially when she's pissed."

"And we know she's pissed," Logan sighed. "I might have to repair that front door again."

James couldn't have cared less about the front door. "Why does she have to argue with me about everything?"

"Because she's your daughter," Logan smirked. The situation wasn't funny, he dreaded nights like this, but it always amused him when James complained about Caroline acting exactly like him.

"Excuse me, I don't slam doors and run off into the night."

"Excuse me, who broke the door last time I had to repair it?"

"That wasn't my fault," James argued.

"It was totally your fault, you got so angry you practically ripped it off the hinges."

"Well, if you hadn't kept arguing with me-"

"Was I right?"

That shut James up fast, his lips pursing together before he replied, "I don't remember. It was a long time ago."

Logan couldn't hold back a laugh. "It was two weeks ago and you came back apologizing because you were in the wrong. I believe you even brought me some Garcia dogs to make it up to me. I assumed that meant you went to visit Kendall and Chachi, and Kendall returned you to your senses."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Shaking his head, Logan moved around the chair to settle as comfortably as he could on James' lap. Arms around James' neck, he forced James to look at him. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Okay, maybe," James conceded, unable to avoid Logan's gaze. "But this time I'm right."

"I know you are."

"You do?" That surprised James, who'd expected Logan to take Caroline's side. "I'm right, then? She's too young to date a twenty-one-year-old man?"

"Absolutely."

"Then why didn't you say something? Why did you let us fight it out instead of helping me?"

"Two reasons, James," Logan answered. "One, I couldn't have gotten a word in even if I'd wanted to. When you two get going, you don't listen to anyone or anything."

"That is so not true."

"Two," Logan continued as if James had said nothing, "because she wouldn't have listened. She's just like you in that, won't listen to reason when she's wound up and distraught. She's more stubborn than you, I swear."

James rested his head back against the chair, groaning in frustration. "You'd think she was my biological daughter, wouldn't you?"

"She might as well be, love. Nature vs. nurture. Genes play a part in behavior, but a lot of it's learned. She must've studied you like a textbook."

"But you're so good with her," James complained, shifting Logan and sliding arms around his waist while praying the chair didn't break beneath their combined weight. "You just...talk to her. And she listens."

"That's because I wait until she's done raging like a hormonal female. You argue with her and make it worse. But you know what, James? She listens to you, too."

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does. The things you say get through to her, and once she actually thinks about it, whose advice does she normally take?"

James shrugged slightly. "Both of ours?"

"Yes, but we're usually on the same page. How often does she come back saying things like, 'I guess you were right, Daddy, I just didn't want to admit it.'?"

James shrugged again. "I don't know."

"Every time, love. Every time." Logan leaned in to kiss James' cheek, James then turning so their lips met.

"Why do you always have to be right?" James asked with a soft smile.

"It's the genius in me. And right now I guarantee you she's reached the end of her tantrum and has pulled over somewhere to cry and feel horrible about the whole thing."

"God, I hope so." James rested his head on Logan's chest and closed his eyes, Logan's heartbeat more soothing than the waves he could hear in the distance. "Kendall's mom warned me about this, you know."

"She did?"

"Yeah. Years ago. I think at Caroline's sixth birthday party."

"That was a great day, wasn't it?"

"One of the best," James agreed. "She told me that one day Caroline would scream at me that she hates me. I informed her she was wrong, Caroline would never say that to me."

Heart breaking some, Logan ran a hand down James' hair. "I'm sorry. I know it kills you when she says that."

The tears overflowed then, James giving in to the pain. "Nothing hurts me more," he whispered. "I don't care that I'm not her actual father, I might as well be."

"You _are_," Logan said firmly. "You're the best father she could have, you've loved her as if she was. I know in your heart she is. And she doesn't hate you, you know that."

"Doesn't mean I don't die every time I hear it."

"I know, James. I know." Logan pressed his lips to James', soothing as well as he could with a kiss. "If it helps, I love you."

James smiled then, hugging Logan closer. "It does. I can never hear that enough."

They both jumped at the sound of a ringtone, one Logan had chosen for Caroline because it was her favorite song growing up. "Answer it!" James hissed.

"Give me a second, I have to get to it."

James watched impatiently, trying to hear Caroline's side of the conversation but it was impossible. Instead he listened to Logan answering and asking where she was, then suggesting, "Why don't you tell him that? He's right here."

Heart leaping into his throat, James waited with wide eyes, desperate to hear his little girl's voice. But Logan only sighed, saying, "Okay. Be careful. We love you."

"What happened? Where is she?"

"She's downtown. She's on her way back now."

"Was she crying?"

"She had been, I could tell."

"What did she say about me?"

"That she's sorry and to please tell you she doesn't hate you. When I asked her to tell you that herself, she said she'd wait until she was home."

James let out a huge sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. "She's going to send me to an early grave."

"She'd better not," Logan grinned, pocketing his phone. "I need you. Someone has to keep me company once she gets married and moves out."

"Wow, I don't even know what that's like, to live with only you. Imagine all the sex we could have."

"Like it stops us now?" Logan laughed.

"Well...we have to be careful. Don't want to make it awkward for her."

"That's true enough. So uh...you okay now? Do I need to call Kendall to talk some sense into you?"

"No," James chuckled. "He only does that when it's you I'm fighting with."

"Carlos is pretty good at that, too. He has a way of simplifying everything when we complicate it too much."

"Yeah. Can we have dinner with them this weekend? It's been a while and I miss them."

"As long as we don't have hot dogs. I love them, but I know Carlos likes a break from it sometimes. I'll call Kendall and see what they've got going on. We'll figure something out."

Logan's phone buzzed again, this time the sound of an alarm.

"What's that?" James asked.

"Cookies are done." Logan hopped off James' lap before leaning back down to kiss him briefly.

"You made me cookies?"

"Of course. You were upset."

A hand snaked out to grab Logan by the waistband of his jeans before he could get too far, stopping him in his tracks and pulling him back to sink onto James' lap again. "In case I haven't said it lately, I love you. I have never once regretted choosing you and I thank God every single day that you came back for me. Both of you."

Logan nodded slowly, staring into the eyes he'd woken up to every day for the past ten years. "It worked out the way it was supposed to. I couldn't imagine living without you now, and I don't even like to think about what might've happened if I hadn't gone to Australia."

"I'd still love you. Even if I was married to someone else, or married no one at all. I'd love you and wish you were mine."

Logan smiled. "You did wish for that. On a star in Arizona. And it came true."

Knowing Caroline was on her way home, James resisted the urge to scoop Logan up and carry him off to bed. There would be time for that later, to remind Logan of everything they came so close to losing but in the end were smart enough to hold onto. "Go get my cookies."

"Yes, Your Highness," Logan teased, and after one more quick kiss, James was once again alone on the deck, lost in memories as he stared at the moonlit ocean.

* * *

><p>It was twenty minutes later when James heard the back door creak open slowly, followed by the sound of hesitant footsteps approaching from behind. He could've made it easier by welcoming her, but James Diamond wasn't always the most mature person when he'd been dealt a devastating blow by someone he loved.<p>

"Hey, Daddy," Caroline finally managed, voice barely above a whisper.

"Hi, Princess." He kept his eyes ahead, it killing him that she was dying inside but he was determined not to beg for forgiveness when she'd been the one in the wrong.

"Can I um...can I talk to you?"

He didn't need to see her to know her big blue eyes were filled with tears, that she was biting her lip nervously and fighting to keep from throwing herself at him and doing what he wanted her to do, to say she didn't mean it and that she still loved him. It was a sight he'd seen many times before, a moment he knew they'd live through again, and when it was all said and done she would still be his princess and he would still be her king. A crystal-clear vision came to him, a memory from a time before he lived this life, of a little girl running to him across the sand on a faraway beach and calling out his name. He remembered the way he'd run to catch her when she fell, as he'd done a million times since then, as he would a million times more in a less literal way. Right now Caroline Diamond-Mitchell was falling in her heart, and James couldn't let her crash now any more than he could then. He sat back in the chair and patted his lap, and she rushed to him and curled up as if she was once again six years old and her daddy was rocking her to sleep, tears streaming down her cheeks and onto his shirt.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, clinging to him while he held her tight. "I don't hate you, I could never hate you, I was just so mad and you wouldn't listen and-"

"I know, princess. I know." He rocked the chair without even thinking about it, rubbing her back and shushing her as she cried, his own cheeks wet with tears. "It's okay."

"No, it's not, I didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said it."

James nodded in agreement. "You don't know how much it hurts to hear that from you. You and your father are the two most important things in this world to me, the things I can't live without. The things I treasure most. I can't lose either of you, okay?"

"I know, Daddy. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But I love him and-"

"You met him a month ago."

"You and Dad knew within two weeks."

"No, _I_ knew. I think it took your dad longer to decide. And as far as actually knowing we were in love, that happened about a month in. Maybe. It's all a blur now."

"Because you're getting old."

"Don't start with me, young lady. This isn't the time to piss your old man off."

But there was teasing in James' voice, enough that Caroline knew they were on the road to being okay again. "My point is sometimes you just know."

"Not when you're fifteen, Caroline."

"Sixteen."

"Quit reminding me," James groaned.

"Daddy, I have to grow up sometime."

"I know, but does it have to be in my lifetime? I want to hold on to my little princess forever."

"But you can't. One day I'm going to get married and I expect you to be walking me down that aisle, not throwing a tantrum in some little side room of the church."

"Oh, you're one to talk about throwing tantrums."

"Learned from the best," Caroline smirked, causing James to laugh. "Dad always says I learned everything I know about drama from you."

"Well, I _am_ an actor," James pointed out.

"Lana says you were like that before you started acting."

"What does she know?"

"Practically everything. And she told me you used to be a big slut before you met Dad."

James blinked suddenly, sitting up some. "What does that have to do with you and this conversation?"

"Nothing, Daddy, I'm just pointing out that you weren't always perfect. You made mistakes along the way."

"They were...lessons. I was learning what not to do."

"And so am I. But you have to let me."

"I don't have to do any such thing."

"Daddy," she whined, sighing and laying her head on James' shoulder. "You're being unreasonable."

"Dating a twenty-one-year-old man when you're sixteen is not reasonable. It's actually illegal."

"It's only illegal if we have sex." Caroline realized her mistake when James' eyes started to bug out. "Daddy, wait, we're not having sex. I promise. I'm still a virgin, I swear! Don't freak out!"

It was a few moments before James could speak calmly. "Please don't ever say that word again around me. And I'm not bending on this. I'm sorry, but he's too old for you. Even your father agrees with me on that."

"I know," she sighed. "But I really like him a lot."

"Just...take it slow, okay? There's no need to rush anything."

"Are you saying I can date him?"

"Absolutely not. Find someone closer to your age and we'll talk."

"Daddy..."

"No. I'm sorry, Caroline, but it wouldn't work. Not in the long run. And I don't want to see you get your heart broken when you realize I'm right because he's found someone he can...well. Have more fun with."

"You'd kill him if he broke my heart, wouldn't you?"

"He's already a dead man if he even thinks about it."

Caroline hugged him tight then, James relaxing to rock her again. "Nobody hurts my little girl."

"You can't protect me all the time, Daddy."

"I can sure as hell try."

Leaning to the side, Caroline reached down to pick up something she'd set near the chair earlier. She came up to place a tarnished golden crown on his head, James' face melting when she placed a matching one on her own. "You're always gonna be my king, you know," she said softly, wiping away a lone tear dripping down his cheek. "No matter how old I get. I'm going to wear this on my wedding day. If you let me get married," she added with a tiny laugh.

"Talk to me about it in fifty years," James joked, then kissed her cheek. "But you're always gonna be my princess, too. No matter how many times you scream that you hate me."

"I don't hate you. I never did."

"I know. Your father was right about that, as usual."

"Dad's always right," Caroline agreed. "It pisses me off."

"Me, too," James laughed, hugging her closer. She laid her head on his shoulder as James rocked the chair again, a peace stealing over both of them even though they knew it wouldn't always be like this. One day Caroline would find the man who could make her feel as safe as her fathers did, and when that day came they would have to let her go. But for now, James savored the knowledge that he was her hero and that nothing brought her more peace than this right here.

From the doorway Logan watched them both, a plate of cookies in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. The sight of James and Caroline wearing their crowns while rocking in the chair he'd spent hours on warmed his heart, and he remembered a thousand nights like this one, where he'd treat them to cookies and milk as they all stared out over the ocean while waiting for Caroline to fall asleep. Ten years had flown by them, but he was happy to see some things still hadn't changed.

As Carlos would say, if it was meant to be, it would be. This had been meant to be.


End file.
